Sal: I can’t believe the people responsible for Seinfeld and Blazing Saddles also gave us Numbers and Deuteronomy. One star
Moshe: The scriptures contain way too much filler, the food contains way too much fish, and the emotions contain way too much guilt. Two stars
Christina: Kosher for Passover soap, separate meat and dairy utensils, a full day’s fast every year—it all seems like too much of a hassle to me. I do, however, like the folk songs. Two stars
Jenna: I started losing interest after Exodus, I started falling asleep during Joshua, and I was ready to worship false idols by Kings. One star
Paul: I liked it back when I was an eight year old getting gifts and hunting for eggs—but I’m not so sure this religion has much to offer adults. Two stars
Dan: Mark was a bit too much like Matthew, Luke was a bit too much like Mark, and John was a bit too much like Luke. Oh—and all four of them were a bit too much like Wayne’s World. Two stars
Sal: I’d rather spend my Sundays watching football. Two stars
Jenna: “Love your enemies” might seem fine in theory—but if this Jesus guy actually knew my enemies, he’d be singing a much different tune. Two stars
Christian: The cross might be effective against vampires, but it sure does a lousy job of keeping blood sucking clergymen away. One star
Stan: Isaac Newton was a Christian, Bugsy Siegel was a Jew, Joseph Stalin was an atheist, and 99.9% of Muslims are terrorists. I rest my case. Four stars
Paul: I don’t care much for the religion itself—but I love the idea of hating everyone else. Three stars
Sal: The good will go to Heaven and the evil will go to Hell? How cliché is that? Two stars
Christina: Adam, Noah, Abraham, and Jesus—where have I heard those names before? Two stars
Jenna: The only thing I like to do five times a day is open the refrigerator. One star
Gina: Naming 90% of the population Muhammad pretty much defeats the purpose of first names. One star
Hal: I don’t mind the reincarnation—but did I have to come back as such a selfish asshole? Two stars
Paul: If it were any good, it would’ve made it past India’s borders a long time ago. One star
Sid: I used to be into it—until I found out that the Buddha was actually a thin Indian guy. Two stars
Hal: The Buddha would make an interesting pro wrestling character—but I’m not so sure I like him as a religious leader. Two stars
Paul: If you think doing LSD is trippy, try hearing a tree fall when you’re not around to hear it. Four stars
Jenna: Based on what I know, I’d say it may or may not be bullshit. ? stars
Sal: And I thought Islamic fundamentalists were intolerant. One star
Gina: Even if God doesn’t exist, he probably doesn’t want you to become an atheist. One star
Jehovah: God is like soooo 1980s. Four stars
Paul: After living the last two years with a bossy real wife, I have no desire to live with a bossy imaginary God. Four stars