The Library: Revised and Condensed
You’re pregnant?
Congratulations!
Now what?
Well, let me start off by saying that no matter what you’ve been doing so far, it’s been all wrong. (Which explains why you need to buy this book right now. In fact, if you don’t buy at least five copies of it within the next five minutes, you’re basically saying that you consider the hundred dollar bill in your pocket more important than your own child!)
Now, here’s what you should do:
1. Listen to songs that contain frequent uses of the terms “baby” and “folic acid.”
2. Avoid pointing any loaded firearms at your stomach or lower back.
and
3. Go back in time and buy my book What to Expect Before You’ve Been Impregnated.
OK. This might hurt a little.
But hey—it’s your fault. I mean, you knew those apples were forbidden!
I’m not going to lie to you. Your infant isn’t always going to be the most pleasant person in the world.
But so what? Do you think you’re any better?
Your baby might whine and moan every once in a while—but at least he usually has a good reason, not to mention the fact that he’s a baby! You, on the other hand, complain about damn near everything day in and day out, like it’s your purpose in life!
Ughh! You’re just like my ex-wife!
After about a year or so, your child is actually going to start doing more than just eating, peeing, pooing, and crying. Pretty soon he’ll walk, talk, run, and jump. Then one day he’ll beg you for some Spongebob Pokemon BS or something else he’s been brainwashed to want—and if you don’t buy it, then God help you, because he’ll unleash a tantrum so loud that it’ll be heard in China, Neptune, and 98% of the galaxies in our universe.
By age 3, your child will be unbelievably cute, charming, and fun. But you’ll probably be too busy with your petty concerns to even notice.
Remember that cute little kid capable of warming your heart by doing just about anything? Well forget about her—because she’s history! And she’s been replaced by a moody, cranky, ungrateful, spoiled, unreasonable, psychotic pre-teen who will hate your guts 90% of the time, no matter what you do.
Don’t even get me started on your teen.
So you spent all of your money on the twenty five year old who still lives in your house eating your food, and seems to think he’s some sort of Vanderbilt heir.
Big deal! You should just be happy you spent it all on something worthwhile, instead the stupid crap you would’ve bought had you used birth control twenty five years ago.
And don’t think your child owes you a thing. I mean, what have you ever done for your parents? What? You give them a call once every three or four days? Oh—well excuse me while I go get your Daughter of the Year Award! I can’t believe you even brought that up.
And if you did, get up right now and buy my book No—You Don’t Deserve a Daughter of the Year Award.