What's the one thing women want to hear most? Is it I love you? No. That's not even in the top five. Actually, it is. "I love you" is number five. Number four is, “Have you lost weight?” Number three: “You’re looking thin.” Number two: “Are you anorexic?” And number one: “Seriously, you’re starving to death!”
That's what women want to hear. “You're starving to death. What the hell is wrong with you?” For some reason, that’s the ultimate compliment. How did that become the ultimate compliment? You’re starving to death?
I think Justin Bieber should put out a song telling the listener how thin she is. That sounds like a hit to me. Justin--call me up. We'll do lunch. A low carb lunch.
Nowadays, you don’t even need to bother taking your woman out for Valentine’s Day and getting her flowers and a gift. Here’s what you should do. Just tie her to a chair and say “I’m going to force feed you a 1000 calorie meal and make sure you digest it. You’re dangerously underweight.” Believe me, she’ll be thrilled. It’ll be the best Valentine’s Day of her life. She’ll think, “Yes! I look like I’m starving. Mission accomplished. Take that Heidi Klum.”
That’s a chick flick right there. Meg Ryan losing weight on a diet, and Tom Hanks tying her to a chair on Valentine's Day, and forcing her to eat something. And then, at the very end of the movie, she'll weigh herself, take her measurements, and conclude that she's thinner than Heidi Klum. Because most women are in a competition with Heidi Klum. They think to themselves, “Hedi Klum? She's not going to out-thin me. I’ll out-thin her!”
We can call the movie How to Lose Ten Pounds in Ten Days. Because almost all women want to know that. Even most fetuses want to know that. That's what it's come to. I can just see a mother eating a piece of bread, and her yet-to-be-born daughter saying, “Bread? Mom--are you crazy? Do you know how many carbs are in that? I want to look thin for my birth. And you could lose some weight too, Mom. Look at your belly. You're making both of us fat. Me and your belly. ”
Women are obsessed with their weight. If you ask a woman “How was your day?” and she answers honestly, a third of it might be something like, “Well, around noon, I was feeling kind of fat. Then Suzy from work looked at me, and it seemed like she thought I looked thin. I could just tell by her facial expression. Then at three o’clock, I was feeling kind of fat again, because I lifted my arm quickly, and there was some sort of a jiggle. And then a half an hour later, I was feeling really hungry, but I remembered the fat on my arm. So I drank a cup of water instead of eating something. And then at four o’clock, I passed out. I regained consciousness ten minutes later, and I thought about eating something--but then I remembered the saying, ‘Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.’ I’m pretty sure that applies to consciousness, too. As in, ‘Being thin feels better than being conscious.’ ”
Yeah---they should make a movie out of that, too. They can call it How Was Your Day? Subtitle: Being Thin Feels Better Than Being Conscious. It’s not really a chick flick, though. The government should use it to torture suspected terrorists:
“Not talking, huh Muhammed? OK. I'll bet two hours of Meg Ryan's day will change that. Tommy--play the video.”