DISCLAIMER
I am not the least bit responsible for anything that happens as a result of reading this website—unless, of course, something good happens, in which case I am 100% responsible.
PARENTAL ADVISORY
Explicit Lyrics
GIRLFRIEND’S ADVISORY
Your boyfriend wants to sleep with your best friend. In fact, he’s probably fantasizing about her at this very moment.
BACHELOR’S ADVISORY
Signing a marriage license is like signing away your freedom.
WARNING
Hot Coffee is Hot
WARNING
The Deep End of the Pool is Deep
WARNING
Some material in this video may not be suitable for minors. Which is exactly why you should watch it. Especially if you are a minor.
WARNING
The earth is upside down
WARNING
Hitting yourself with a hammer while holding this book may result in injury. In fact, I’ll go ahead and guarantee that it will.
WARNING
Past performance is no guarantee of future results. And the way we bullshit you with half-truths and whole lies, I’d say past performance isn’t even a guarantee of past performance.
CUIDADO
If you’re not Hispanic, don’t call a Hispanic man “homes” or “vato.”
PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY. DON’T LET THE HALF NAKED WOMEN IN OUR ADS SWAY YOU IN ANY WAY.
PLEASE GAMBLE RESPONSIBLY. … WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER DRINK, SIR?
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ON THIS SHOW REALLY SHOULDN’T BE THE VIEWS OF SO MUCH AS A SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET
THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ON THIS SHOW SHOULDN’T BE EXPRESSED ANYWHERE
FAILURE TO PAY DEBTS ON TIME COULD RESULT IN BROKEN LEGS. IN FACT, WE’LL MAKE SURE IT DOES.
DO NOT READ WHILE DRIVING, OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY, OR HOLDING YOUR PENIS
DO NOT USE AS TOILET PAPER OR EAT
AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, DO NOT USE AS TOILET PAPER AND THEN EAT
DO NOT USE AS A Q-TIP, 23RD ANNIVERSARY GIFT, HORSESHOE, HOME PREGNANCY TEST, MEAT THERMOMETER, SECRET COMPARTMENT FOR HIDING MARIJUANA, SCARECROW, SKATEBOARD, BASEBALL BAT, ARTIFICIAL HEART, AIRPLANE MEAL, RAFT, CAR BATTERY, BRA PAD, FISHING ROD, OR QUANTUM PHYSICS TEXTBOOK
DO NOT USE AS A BOOK. … ACTUALLY, FORGET THAT ONE.
DO NOT READ IF ALLERGIC TO READING
DO NOT READ IF ALLERGIC TO BULLSHIT
DO NOT READ WHILE UNDERWATER
DO NOT READ WHILE OVERWATER
DO NOT PLACE IN MICROWAVE
DO NOT TRUST THE JEWS
DO NOT TRUST THE GENTILES
DO NOT PASS GO
DO NOT COLLECT $200
DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN
KEEP OUT OF REACH. PERIOD.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: a desire to play Pac-Man in the nude, a hatred of yellow T-shirts, and the belief that the Pope owes you $32,000
FOR EXTERNAL USE ONLY—DO NOT INSERT INSIDE OF ANUS. BELIEVE ME. I TRIED IT.
REWIND AND ERASE BEFORE RETURNING
THIS TAPE WILL TURN INTO PUDDING IN FIVE SECONDS