Space exploration: We should bomb Mars as soon as possible. That way, we won’t have to go to the trouble and expense of exploring it.
Social Security: Social security money should go to people who are 30 and younger. I mean, the elderly are probably going to spend it on on some stupid shit like prunes and Bob Hope videos.
War on Terrorism: Terrorists are like five year olds who are just fishing for attention. Instead of giving them what they want and encouraging them to continue acting up, we should just ignore them and hide their Nintendo games.
Iraq: It’s shaped like a sideways heart
Afghanistan: Let’s just pretend it doesn’t exist
Antarctica: We’re going about this whole global warming problem all wrong. Instead of reducing emissions of greenhouse gases, we we should just make sub-Saharan Africa part of Antactica
Israeli-Palestinian conflict: We should dissolve 100 million chill pills in their water supply.
Eminem-Mariah Carey conflict: We should find something they both hate, and have them sing a duet about it.
Economic policy: We should print more hundreds and fewer ones. And we should build a huge glass wall around the country, run all of our fans once every year, and let people stuff as much money as possible into their pants.
Health Care: Against. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of seeing the same people year in and year out. We really ough to increase our turnover rate.
Birth control: Against. (See Health Care)
Affirmative action: Instead of favoring traditionally disadvanataged minorities, we should make things harder for their advantaged counterparts. For instance, we can hire bouncers to keep them from leaving their homes on weekdays, or have Wile E. Coyote put earthquake pills in their coffee.
The Bill of Rights: Against. Giving people too many rights makes them spoiled.
Reparations: I think we should go to Europe, round up a a few million people, and make them the slaves of all (non African) African-Americans.
Military: The military should merge with the UFC. That way it’ll start making some money, and it’s soldiers will learn some new submission holds.
Postal Service: The Postal Service should merge with the military.
Religion: In order to promote tolerance and understanding, we should force people to change religions at least once every month. I mean, very few people will hate the Jews if they know they’re going to be one next month.
Gay marriage: Gay marriage should be legal north of the Mason-Dixon line, and mandatory south of it
Gays in the military: We should put all gays who take it up the ass in one division, and all gays who give it up the ass in another one. Problem solved.
Gays in gay bars: Gays should be banned from gay bars. I mean—when I go to a gay bar, I don’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of homosexuals.