The Library: Revised and Condensed
The president did and said some stuff yesterday. Some people were happy, others were pissed.
The president is planning to do and say some stuff tomorrow.
A group of Middle Eastern men are really pissed.
Some guy complained about something some other guys did.
1, 3, 15… What’s the point? You know you lost.
A team of big strong guys beat another team of big strong guys.
Afterwards, some guy from the winning team had the usual things to say.
Stocks were down two percent yesterday—and to be honest, we have no idea why.
From now on, all decisions will be made by internet vote. (And if you’re not an internet user, the government will exile you to Antarctica.)
Thank God we relocated the Middle East to Jupiter.
“We plan to pass our cost savings onto the consumer,” said the new company’s CEO, who immediately raised the prices of all products and services by 30%.
In related news, the Dow Jones Energy Average dropped 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% Oh. Wait a second. It just dropped to 0. Believe it or not, it just went into the negatives.
Um… mankind has been controlling the weather for the last twenty years. Vote for a temperature, cloud setting, humidity level, wind speed, and more now at www.thepeoplesweather.com
You don’t even have to check anymore. If you win, the money will be automatically credited to your account (minus taxes).
For no apparent reason, every single Republican and Democrat in the country switched to the other side last night.
Now we can play Tetris while clipping our toenails.
Damn it! I need to check my email.
A much-awaited comeback by our Lord and Savior isn’t quite having its intended effect.
Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls “Real Christianity,” religious leader and God Jesus Christ is finding very few converts to his new reform movement, and plenty of “aborted” Christians seeking better alternatives to the Lord. more
The entire nation is on an all out search to find its only unemployed person and give him or her a job.
Final score: Alliance of Love 232 million, Alliance of Peace 219 million
A Better World, Group has finished construction of a 478 trillion person capacity Earth II a whopping 672 years ahead of schedule and $698 gazillion under budget. The new planet, which will self-replicate every fifty years, features a twenty seven mile long waterslide and 4x Thomas Crapper Mount Flushmore.
And don’t worry—there’s an unlimited supply of nothing.
“Death to nobody!” exclaimed the country’s Prime Minister.
By today’s standards, it was crap.
Negotiators told him to go screw himself.
Um… you can set your own personal weather settings by using your free iWeather device.
You don’t even need to buy a ticket anymore. The government awards $1 quadrillion to 10 random people each day.
“That’s the last time I use my computer while drunk,” he remarked.
“I knew our persistence would pay off,” said the movie’s producer.
The only other country left is Schwarzeneggerland.
In a span of just 32 minutes, four new religions took turns going from number one to extinct, giving way for Nintendoism to take the top spot.
It was time for a change.
“If it weren’t for me,” remarked Emperor Arnold HW CXVI, “these people’s lives would be meaningless.”
“If you’re willing to pay $5 tril. for a cup of $1 tril. coffee,” remarked the Company’s CEO, “you might as well pay $3 tril. for a $0 cup of air.”
And it turns out that the earth is shaped like Tony Danza.
Hopefully they won’t kill us.
“Rise of the machines” my butt!
“I’m not feeling so judgmental anymore,” he explained.
An argument about paper clips somehow led to an interuniversal war that destroyed everything (other than time and space).
Oh well—it was bound to happen at some point.
“Honest to God,” he remarked, “I never liked mankind to begin with.”
“Maybe Heaven should loosen its standards.”
No one was available for comment.
No one was available for comment.
No one was available for comment.
473,502 stocks were delisted from the New Old New New York Stock Exchange, including Everlast, Always, Eternally Yours, Forever and Ever, and ‘Til the End of Time.
“I don’t care if there’s no planet,” he remarked. “I still have plenty of football left in me.”
“This just isn’t our day,” said an industry spokesman.
“Don’t look at me,” remarked God. “I had nothing to do with it this time.”
“I really didn’t see that one coming,” said God.
And they come in 92,345 different races.
I can’t believe people used to churn cream into butter.
But for some reason, Marge’s hair is glow-in-the-dark green.
“Picking the Hebrews again would’ve been too predictable.”
For no apparent reason, an ancient “Macarena” remix has been playing throughout the universes for the last 53 minutes.
What the hell happened?
?
“I spent the last year trying to score with this hot chick, and right when I was about to close the deal, the freakin’ universes disappeared. But at least ‘Macarena’ finally stopped playing.”
I don’t know.
“After 1.014 trillion seasons,” said one man, “it really should have had a proper send off—like the final episode of Cops.”
Now I’m really confused.
No.
“The missing universes will reduce pollution by at least 100%.”
“He was really depressed when Cops was cancelled,” said an unnamed source close to Heaven.
We’re not sure what happened, but a new universe somehow appeared out of nowhere.
Their lawyers will battle it out in the “Trial of the Quadrillenium.”
“I’m back, baby!” he said.
“Hear O Israel,” He said, “I brought you out of Egypt—and now it’s time for you to return the favor.”
“Just call me ‘New God,’” he said (to nobody).
“I want this one to be environmentally friendly.”
“The blue-white-green-brown scheme would go perfectly with my curtains.”
“I spent a long time creating the First Earth,” It complained, “only to have some fictional god copy it and take all the credit.”
After the trial, Nature called the Judge and New God “a couple of deluded religious believers.”
Let’s just hope they eat the right apples.
Newspaper Headlines: 1 Million BC - 2008
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PreTeen Girl
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