Tom Hanks

Rodney Ohebsion

The Truth About Tom Hanks

He’s charming, polite, talented, funny. He can act, sing, dance, and play the piano with his feet.

Tom Hanks. Everyone loves him. Even if a movie consisted of him doing nothing other than eating apples for two hours, it would still gross over a $100 million. He could literally take a piss on screen and still manage to be charming and entertaining.

But how? How can one man be so talented and likeable? The answer’s simple (and obvious, if you ask me). What is it? Wait for it… Wait for it… It’s coming… Are you ready? Well here it goes: Tom Hanks doesn’t exist! That’s right. There is no actual Tom Hanks. He’s nothing more than an idea—a creation of a secret society of aliens.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: If Tom Hanks doesn’t exist, then who's the guy in all of his movies?

I’ll tell you. He’s nothing but a product of our minds—down to his dashing smile, beautiful eyes, heavenly hair, and mesmerizing voice. Filmmakers simply roll tape with no one to play Tom Hanks’s role—and we’re the ones who add him.

But how do they get us to add him? They don’t. I never said they do. The aliens do. And how do they do it? Simple. By sending out Tom Hanks broadband fiber optic data signals through the very air we breathe!

Nikola Tesla

That’s right. In 1922, super inventor Nikola Tesla developed a method of covalently bonding thoughts to oxygen atoms. Realizing that the technology could get into the wrong hands, he decided to keep his discovery a secret and have it die with his own mortal body. But a group of aliens who had his laboratory under surveillance were able to learn some of the secrets behind the technology, and gradually piece everything together over the next few decades.

Bosom Buddies Screen Shot

By 1980, they created the idea of a super entertainer with unlimited appeal, and used Tesla’s technology to add him to a new television show: ABC’s early 80s sitcom Bosom Buddies—which was originally titled Bosom Buddy, and starred just Peter Scolari as the lead. The show’s producers were stunned when another actor appeared on screen alongside Scolari in the video editing room—but they decided to simply go along with it, and give him the name “Tom Hanks” (an anagram of “Thanks Mo[na Lisa]”—which has absolutely no meaning whatsoever).

As the years passed, the same actor appeared in numerous TV shows and films (including 2000‘s “one man” movie Cast Away, which was actually filmed as two hours of no one doing nothing on an empty island)—and in a span of a couple of decades, the aliens managed to make their creation the highest grossing actor in the history of the universe.

But if Tom Hanks can just appear out of nowhere in a film and turn it into a gigantic hit, then why haven’t filmmakers been rushing to make Tom Hanks movies and benefit from his star power?

They have. I never said they haven’t. In fact, 90% of box office flops are Tom Hanksless Tom Hanks films.

But how do I know all of this? Easy. I played Splash and The Money Pit simultaneously and backwards, and heard a message in Aramaic detailing everything. I then tested the theory by holding my breath while watching Sleepless in Seattle—and lo and behold, Hanks disappeared! Most of the movie turned into Meg Ryan getting emotional for absolutely no reason.

But that leaves one question that has yet to be answered. Why? Why would a group of aliens go to all of that trouble in the first place?

Beats me. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last ten years!

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