The Library: Revised and Condensed
OK. There are about fourteen hundred characters and one hundred fifty plots in this book, so pay attention, or you won’t understand what the hell is going on.
The time is 1805. The place is Europe. Some crazy French guy named Napoleon is trying to take over the world, and it looks like Russia is next on his To Do List.
Somewhere in Russia, a guy named PIERRE AY gets married after inheriting a shitload of money—but his wife cheats on him, and he leaves her and becomes convinced he’s Bookman from Good Times.
During all of this, Pierre’s friend ANDY BEE returns to the city after being wounded in the war, only to find that his wife died shortly after giving birth to his son.
His fellow soldier NICK CEE also returns from the war, gambles away most of his family’s money, and calls of his engagement to his cousin SONYA CEE in hopes of finding a rich woman to marry.
His best friend BILLY DEE signs an endorsement deal with Colt .45, and loans him $5,000 at 8% interest
And some random woman named SHEILA E. signs a deal with Warner Bros. Records, and releases her debut album “The Glamorous Life.”
Napoleon then strikes a treaty with Russia’s King, and during the ensuing period of peace, Nick Cee’s sister NATASHA CEE becomes engaged to Andy Bee (the guy whose wife died a few paragraphs ago)—but Andy’s father OLD BEE doesn’t like her, and persuades him to travel for a year and think about it.
A month after he leaves, Natasha Cee falls in love with another guy—but although they try to run off and get married, their plan falls apart.
Andy Bee comes home, finds out what happened, and dumps Natasha Cee—and shortly thereafter, Pierre Ay (the guy who left his cheating wife several paragraphs ago) ends up falling for her.
Napoleon then invades Russia, and Andy Bee goes back to fight, while Pierre Ay flips out and becomes convinced he should assassinate Napoleon.
Old Bee dies, and his daughter MARY BEE leaves their home when French troops make it into their city—and she ends up developing a romance with Nick Cee (the gambler who was engaged to his cousin).
Pierre Ay, now a crazy wanderer in chaos filled Moscow, winds up being imprisoned by the French.
Meanwhile, the Cees leave their city, come across an injured Andy Bee, and take him with them.
Nick Cee considers making good on his engagement with Sonya Cee, and decides to break up with Mary Bee.
Mary Bee visits the Cees to see her wounded brother Andy Bee, and becomes friends with Natasha Cee.
Andy Bee forgives Natasha Cee for cheating on him—and just before dying, he declares his love for her.
The Russian army heads back into Moscow after winning a battle, while the French take off with their Russian POWs, including Pierre Ay.
Pierre Ay is freed by the French, tracks down Natasha Cee, and marries her—and they go on to have four children, but don’t really live happily ever after.
Nick Cee ends up marrying Mary Bee, and the two of them more or less live happily ever after.
And in case you forgot, Andy Bee died a few paragraphs ago after declaring his love for Natasha Cee.
Oh—and Billy Dee marries Sheila E and has two sons —one of whom marries Pierre Ay and Natasha Cee’s daughter, and has a son who time travels back to the 30s AD, becomes a secret Apostle of Jesus, travels to the Italian Renaissance, and runs out of fuel for his time machine (— and no, the fuel wasn’t plutonium). And that son’s name is Leonardo da Vinci.
If you got all of that, then you must be a freaking genius—because I spent eight years writing it, and I’m still not sure who did what.