I hate Time Warner Cable. I'm convinced they have meetings where they just try to figure out ways to piss me off. "OK. We're going to tell him that we'll show up at some point between 9 am and 5 pm. Let's get there right when he's taking a piss. Ring the bell once, and only once. Wait there for three seconds--and if he doesn't show up, run to your van and leave." That's what they do.
And what about their DVR? It's like they had a meeting and said, "You know that Tivo thing everyone likes? Yeah. Let's take that... and make it worse. People like that function. Let's get rid of it. This looks convenient. Gone. Gone. Get it out of here. There we go. Time Warner DVR." Thank you.
They've built up so much negative goodwill with me that I'm looking for any reason to declare a jihad on them.
We should turn Islamic fundamentalists against companies like Time Warner Cable. That would solve two problems at once. Islamic fundamentalists are looking for some sort of war. So we need to direct their zeal away from the US, Israel, etc., and towards the real Great Satan.
We should call up Islamic headquarters one day and say, "Did you guys hear what happened?" "No. What?" "Time Warner Cable said some really bad things about Islam." "What? Death to Time Warner Cable!"
You know what? We don't even need to do that. All we need to do is send Time Warner Cable down to Saudi Arabia. That would take care of everything.
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] "What do you mean you're going to be here at some point between 7 am and 5 pm? When are you going ot be here?" [Time Warner Cable:] "7 am to 5 pm." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "Care to be more specific?" [Time Warner Cable:] "No." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "OK. Fine."
And then of course, they're not going to show up. And he's going to call them. [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "I waited. 7 am to 5 pm. You do the math. That's a long time. No one showed up. I missed a lot of good shows. Like Meet the Press. Imprison the Press. Covering Gray’s Anatomy. And Looney Sunni Toons.
[Time Warner Cable:] "Oh--sir. I'm sorry. We were every busy yesterday. There was some sort of incident involving a camel eating some cords, and we weren't able to make it. But we can get there tomorrow. We're going to be busy again. So it'll be at some point beween 4:30 am and 11:25 pm."
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] "You know what? It's OK. You don't have to come here. I will come to you. And I'll bring a gift. It'll be attached to my chest. I'll be there at some point between now and next month."