I am the Prophet Austin. And I'm here to tell you that the Lord Almighty is not from Israel. He is not from Nazareth, Galilee. He is not from anywhere in Arabia. And he most certainly is not a Chinaman from India. (That doesn't even make any sense.)
I'm here to tell you that the Lord Almighty, the creator of this universe, is from Texas.
Several months ago, I was at Cowboys Stadium for a late season game. And during the halftime, I went to the restroom, and I headed into a stall. Just to pee--because the urinals were occupied. And when I was finished, I saw the light come from the ceiling. And it was the Lord Almighty.
And then the Lord said unto me, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
And I said, "Lord--how 'bout them Cowboys? Looks like we're going to win a Super Bowl this season."
And the Lord replied, "No. We are not going to win the Super Bowl this season. The Dallas Cowboys will not come home with a Lombardi trophy."
And I said, "Wait a second Lord. We got about a dozen pro bowlers on the roster. I think we are going to win a Super Bowl."
But the Lord said, "No. We are not going to win the Super Bowl. Because the people of Texas are living in sin. The people of Texas have veered from God's way. And until we restore righteousness in the great state of Texas, a Lombardi trophy will elude the Dallas Cowboys."
And at that point, I had to cut off the Lord and get back to the game. I didn't want to miss the second half.
But anyways, a few days later, I was at home in my apartment in Dallas, Texas. And in through the door walked none other than Satan himself. The devil walked into my apartment. He made the trip all the way from his hometown in San Francisco. And the devil looked at me, and he tempted me. He said, "I will give you everything you could ever possibly want. Everything in the universe. And all you have to do is root for the 49ers."
And I said, "No, Satan. I will not root for the 49ers. Nor will I root for the Giants, the Eagles, the Redskins, or anyone else for that matter."
And then Satan just took off. I figured he'd be a little bit more persistent. You know--put in a counteroffer or something. Apparently that wasn't the case.
And then for the next 40 days and 40 nights, I stuffed myself with food down at the local buffet. Because I was hungry.
And then I went to the Alamo to meditate and find out how I could become a better Texan. And two hours into it, I saw a light come from the sky. It was the Lord Almighty. He came down again. And he said to me: "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
And I said, "How 'bout them Cowboys, Lord? How did you know that the Cowboys weren't going to win the Super Bowl? Tell me, Lord. I am listening, Lord. Let me know."
And the Lord Almighty said, once again, "The people of Texas are living in sin. The people of Texas have veered from God's way. And until they turn around and follow my 15 Commandments, we are not going to win another Super Bowl."
And I said, "15 Commandments? Wait a second, Lord. I thought there were 10 Commandments."
And he replied, "In Texas, there are 15 Commandments. We do things differently around here."
And I said, "Lord, what are your 15 Commandments?"