Testimonials

Praise for The Library: Revised and Condensed (Can you believe it? We actually managed to find 30 schmucks willing to say something good about this book.)

“The greatest book ever.” A Very Important Person (Whose name hasn;t been disclosed for perfectly legitimate reasons.)

“Worth its weight in gold. OK—maybe not gold. But it’s probably worth its weight in water. OK—maybe not water, either. But it’s definitely worth its weight in something.” Anonymous

“It’ll be dated by the time you read this quote.” Anonymous

“Everything in this book is complete and total bullshit. Except for that last sentence.” Zeno

“If this doesn’t become a bestseller, I’ll eat my hat. And if it does become a bestseller, I’ll still eat my hat. In fact, I already ate my hat about an hour ago. … Ughhh—my stomach hurts.” Napoleon

“They offered me $1000 to say that I liked this book. And I turned them down. By the way, ‘they’ are carrot-shaped aliens from the planet Marmeladeus27.2.” Barack Obama’s Non-Cousin

“If you liked A Tale of Two Cities, you may or may not like this book. But odds are you won’t.” Jesus

“If you like The Library: Revised and Condensed, you may or may not want to see a psychiatrist. But you really should.” Sigmund Freud’s Clone

“Among my favorite books of all time. The others are about pigeon sex.” Benjamin Franklin

“The greatest thing since the expression ‘the greatest thing since sliced bread.’ Although to be honest, I’ve never liked that expression. Or sliced bread. But do you know what I really do like? Sliced pickles.” Otto Rohwedder

“I laughed, I smiled, I cried, I yelled, I worried, and I gasped. In fact, I did all of that before I even opened the cover. As you might imagine, I have some serious mental problems.” Anonymous

“A bona fide masterpiece. Although to be honest, it’s less of a master than it is a piece.” Anonymous

“It’s the greatest book ever. And do you want to know why? Because it stole 95% of its content from me.” HG Wells

“Occupies a prominent spot on my bookshelf, right between my golden shower DVDs and my other golden shower DVDs.” Benjamin Franklin

“The library will never be the same again. Why? Because I took a piss on the reference section.” Adam

“The book of 230 uses—all of which have to do with wiping your ass.” Anonymous

“How many freakin quotes do you need?” Anonymous

“You want a quote? Here’s a quote! Take out your freakin wallet and buy it!” Anonymous

“What? You don’t want to buy it? Well then go screw yourself!” Anonymous

“Nine out of ten dentists are sleeping with the tenth dentist.” Donald D. Sanders, DDS

“I’m Stephen King, and I want absolutely nothing to do with this book.” Mark Twain

“There’s good literature, and there’s great literature—and this book is neither. In fact, I’m not so sure I’d even call it literature—or a book.”

“Reading this book is like having a mental orgasm. Minus the orgasm. And the mind.”

“Readers of The Library: Revised and Condensed showed a 43% percent increase in 12% increases.” Sara

“This book will revolutionize the world. But not now. Oh, no. The world’s not ready for it right now. But half a million years from now, it’ll pretty much replace the Bible, the Qur’an, and Super Mario Bros. (By the way—Super Mario Bros is going to very popular from 100,000 to 500,000 ALRC (After the Library Revised and Condensed).” Anonymous

“This book makes Romeo and Juliet look like A Midsummer Night’s Dream. What does that mean? I have no fucking idea.” Lysander Montague

“If you like to laugh, pay a prostitute to tickle your anus. If you like to hold your balls while watching Seinfeld, go ahead—no one’s stopping you. But if you ever happen to find yourself in a locked room with nothing but The Library: Revised and Condensed and a loaded gun, think happy thoughts and resist the urge to blow your fucking brains out.” Eve

“I lost ten pounds reading The Library: Revised and Condensed.” Jose B.

“I gained ten pounds reading The Library: Revised and Condensed.” Josbi A.

“I gained one pound by eating The Library: Revised and Condensed.” Billy Goat

“I lost one pound by excreting The Library: Revised and Condensed.” Billy Goat

“I’m Barack Obama, and I endorse this book.” Van Gogh

“I’m Abraham Lincoln, and I endorse this book.” Van Gogh

“I’m Barack Obama, and I endorse Abraham Lincoln.” Van Gogh

“Three words: ‘As good as.’ Actually, I’m not done yet.” ?

“It’s like Hamlet, The Great Gatsby, and Moby Dick rolled into one. Except it’s about the mating habits of Pakistani donkeys.” Joe

“I loved, I loved it, I freakin loved it! Did I mention that I loved it?” George

“My wife divorced me two weeks after I read this book. Which is perfectly fine with me. In fact, I’m loving the bachelor’s life. And as far as I’m concerned, the day she left me was the the best fucking day of my life! In fact, it was the best day in anyone’s life! In fact, it set a standard for how good a day of human life can be. From now ‘til the end of eternity, no one will experience a better day than I did on the day she locked me out of my own fucking apartment and emailed me a thirteen thousand word breakup letter complete with *footnotes and a foreword by her mother. The second she was out of my life, I felt like a man on death row who had been pardoned by the governor. I went from being * in a cardboard box to having an entire world open up—a world of ___ … OK, fine—I’m not happy. I’m fucking miserable. Is that what you want*ed to hear? Huh?! Do you enjoy my misery, you sick, perverted fuck! … Linda, if you’re reading this, please give me a call! * I can change—I swear! … Although I’m not gonna stop watching football. I mean, I gotta draw the line somewhere. … Anyways—who the fuck are you to tell me to stop watching football? What do you think I am—some sort of animal for you to train and command?! “Watch this, watch that, wear this, don’t wear that, don’t masturbate in front of my mother.” And what did I get in return for listening to all of your fucking rules? A tomato and cheese sandwich three times a week, and a wartime ration of sex. And to top it off, you’re not even that good! … OK—maybe you are that good. But that didn’t give you the right to manipulate people with sex. You know what? I’ve had enough of your shit. Go find some other *dickhead for you to dick around—because I’m sick of being that fucking dick. Good luck finding some other jerk poor bastard who will open your bottles, listen to your endless complaints about your enemy of the day, You know what you’re like? You’re like a fucking