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Funny Stand Up Comedy Quotes

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts." Jim Gaffigan

I bought a pair of boots the other day, and there was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots going, "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is." Larry the Cable Guy

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people." Jerry Seinfeld

Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers. Jerry Seinfeld

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent." Jim Gaffigan

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg

Have you ever noticed that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway, moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car? Without fail, he's got the arm out of the window holding the mattress. This is classic male idiot super-hero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 mph... "I got it! I got it! Don't worry about it. I'm using my arm!" Jerry Seinfeld

When you play Scrabble, you spend most of the game salivating over the possibility of using all seven of your tiles in one word and reaching the triple word score bonus. You see "tank" on the board, you see a triple word square to the left of tank, you notice the C your possession, and you think, "Alright. I'm not here to put 2 and 2 together. I'm here to do some advanced algebraic linguistic trigonometry—as in, I'm gonna take that tank, and I'm gonna convert it to the word cantankerous!" That's your first thought. But then you stare some more at your letters. And you think, "Well. I guess I can't do cantankerous. I don't have the letter arsenal it takes to spell that word." So instead of going with the word cantankerous, you go with the word "at." And then later in the game, you get a little more sophisticated, and you spell the word "it." And then 20 minutes into the game, you spell "ox" on a double letter score. And you feel like you've really accomplished something notable. You tell your opponent, "Yeah! I just scored a ten pointer! In your face!" Rodney Ohebsion

I was in one of those [grocery stores in Chinatown], and they had duck vaginas. I swear to God. A huge barrel of duck vaginas--with a scoop stuck in it. I didn't get any. Because I don't want to know--what if I love duck vaginas? I don't want to find out. It's not like millions of things taste like a duck vagina. Four in the morning. "I gotta have a duck vagina! Right now!" Chinatown's closed. I gotta go to the park with a knife. "Where's a duck?!" Louis CK

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No." Jim Gaffigan

[New York is] the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. ... Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!" ... That was the first job I ever had. Lewis Black

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy. Why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early." Rodney Dangerfield

Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can't fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. It works. If you have some problem.--walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: "Hey, you got a problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem! I just lost my motherfucking job to a white man, look just like you! So I say I'm gonna step on some feet till I feel I've redeemed myself. You got a problem?" And white guys will go, "Hey, I didn't know about your job." They leave, and the brother be standing there like this: "That was close. I almost got fucked up." Eddie Murphy

I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well. Sometimes you'll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like: “You, too!” I was getting out of a cab at the airport and the driver goes, “Hey…Have a nice flight!” “You, too! You, too, you have a nice flight, too. In case you ever fly someday. Don't anybody look at me. I'm a moron. Don't know when to say the 'you, too' phrase. I can't handle it." I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat, enjoy it when you eat it, if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.” Brian Regan

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman

I love riding my bicycle in this town. Sometimes people make fun of me because I choose to wear a helmet. But it doesn't bother me, though. You know why? Because that's also my favorite kind of humor. Yeah. Talking shit about safety. It's so fun. It's so fun. Like, whenever I see my dad and he's taking his blood pressure medication, I got to clown him. I'm, like, "Yo, yo--check out this heart nerd. Trying to lower his cholesterol like a bitch. Man, I ain't scared of no strokes." Or, like, if I see a pedestrian, I'm, like, "Yo--check out that mama's boy looking both ways. When I cross the street I look one way: directly at the sun." Sheng Wang

(to audience) Don't worry, I'm not reading my jokes off this notecard. It's just a picture of my dad beating me, to remind me why I do this. Geoffrey Asmus

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Rodney Dangerfield

White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. ... Black people will openly talk about politics. Black people will openly talk about beating up politicians and shit. "If I see George Bush, I'll kick his motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid." Dave Chappelle

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that. Louis CK

These airlines are falling apart! They lost my luggage. They fucked my Aunt. "Sir, the flight's completely overbooked. We're gonna have to fuck your Aunt. You can pick her up at baggage claim in 20 minutes. And she's five pounds overweight. We have to charge extra " Bye, Aunt Donna! Jeffrey Ross

Women like a guy with a sense of humor and they also like a guy with diamonds, just not comedians or refugee miners. Conrad Roth

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. Garry Shandling

There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. Steve Schneider

The Drug Enforcement Agency threw a young man in jail and then totally forgot about him for four days. According to the report, they found him barely alive. He was delirious, he was dehydrated, he had to drink his own urine, and he was covered in his own feces. He survived, he sued, and got $4.1 million. Four days. That's a long time to go with no food and no water. But I think it might be a little bit too soon to be covered in your own feces. I don't know. I think he jumped the gun on feces. Right? That's not even a survival tactic. He was just bored. You know. He was done masturbating. He was, like, "I guess it's time. It's time for poopy fashion show." But you know that helped his case. You know that got him more money. And so, what I hope happened was, on the fourth day he heard the guards come, and he was like, "Oh, shit. Time to get paid. Cha-ching!" Sheng Wang

I saw this college team [bowling] championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!" Jim Gaffigan

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield

This country was founded on two things: meat and war. You eat enough fucking meat, you wanna kill somebody. That's the way it works. That was the ultimate American dream. During that Persian Gulf War, I was sitting in my living room, naked, with a can of Budweiser and a three inch stake watching the war, live on TV. I had a six foot erection with a giant cheese burger on the end of it. I ate so much meat during the war that by the time the war was over three weeks later, I was like, "No no no. We need to keep fighting. Make a couple of stops on our way home from the Persian Gulf. First stop! Vietnam! Surprise the fuck out of those people, huh?" Denis Leary

Even when I'm 100% focused and trying my hardest, I never feel like I'm polite enough when speaking to a Japanese person on the phone. Ramin Nazer

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? It's like, "Hey, if I could pay you less, I would--but it's against the law." Chris Rock

Do you ever talk to someone who's not from America, and then he starts getting annoyed when he finds out that you're not thoroughly familiar with his country? He says, "I am from Finland." You tell him, "Right. Yeah. Finland. The country where everyone's busy making watches and chocolate." And this guy, he becomes outraged. He says, "No! That is Switzerland! That is not Finland, you jerk! How dare you associate me with those damn Swedes! You should learn about the differences between my fantastic country and their stupid country!" So then you reply, "Calm down, bro. You don't have to throw a Finnish hissy fit just because I think all Scandinavian countries are the same." And then he flips out again. He says, "Finland is not a Scandinavian country, you American asshole! Scandinavia consists of Sweden, Norway, and Denmark! Finland is vastly different from all three of those countries. Educate yourself!" Rodney Ohebsion

We have Working Mother Magazine, Black Entrepreneur Magazine, Hispanic Business Magazine. In fact, any activity, any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country, has got a fucking magazine devoted to it. Skydiving, snowmobiling, backpacking, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skeet shooting, duck hunting, jerking off, playing pool, shooting someone in the asshole with a dart gun--they probably got a fucking magazine for that! ... There's actually a fucking magazine called Walking. "Look Dan! The new Walking is out! Here's a good article: 'Putting one foot in front of the other!'" George Carlin

You'd show up [at school the day the science project was due. And] you're scared because you don't have anything good--and you find out all the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated that. They're backing them in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano. He didn't know how to zip up his own pants--but he built a volcano. “How'd you swing that?” I didn't know what to do for my project. So I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she'd know I'm an idiot, and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something. “What do you have there, Brian?” “It's a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F' on it there and let me go home.” “Well, explain it.” “Well, it's a cup. With dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.' You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there.” So she went to this one kid; there's a kid in my class who made the same solar system like 19 years in a row. A bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with coat hangars. “Hey, you're breaking some new ground there, Copernicus.” He's going, “The big yellow one's the sun! The yellow one is the sun!” “OK. Alright. What are these other planets?” “The big yellow one is the sun!” “Alright! Calm down!” Brian Regan

Three weeks ago... [I] saw someone get hit by a car. ... The guy gets tagged, OK? ... He's in the air flipping around. This is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air, and he starts walking around, embarassed. He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit by a car. People around him are like, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you alright? Are you OK?" He's like, "I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry. But, uh, other than that I'm fi-" --"No you should really sit down. You're bleeding from the ears." "I know. I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head. It's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles, and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine. I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush." Dane Cook

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. Jerry Seinfeld

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer." Rodney Dangerfield

I went to see my doctor. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah. I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." Rodney Dangerfield

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie. Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly, too!" Rodney Dangerfield

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket. For those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea. Jim Gaffigan

They [your kids] just watched a movie where this candy treat makes robots fly. You think you're gonna get them on the celery sticks? "Come on, eat the celery. It's good. It's got fiber in it. Yeah, I know those [junk foods on TV] make people fly--but these will keep you from getting polyps in your 60s in your rectum. Come on--can't you be a little more forward-thinking, you fucking eight year old? Grow up a little." Greg Giraldo

People talk to each other in this city [New York] in a way that is just not normal. I was stopped at a light the other day. These two guys were unloading a truck. One guy looks at the other guy. He goes, "Hakuna Matata, motherfucker! From the motherfucking Lion King." Hakuna Matata, motherfucker. What could have possibly preceded that part of the conversation? What kind of "What's your favorite Disney cartoon song?" debate ends up with "Hakuna Matata" and "motherfucker" in the same sentence? That must have just built all day long, you know? "No, that song sucks, man. I like the other one: Under the sea / Under the sea." "Nah, man. Hakuna Matata." "Don't be a fucking pussy, alright? It's 'Under the Sea.'" "Hakuna Matata, motherfucker!" Greg Giraldo

Fact Check: Today Sen. Scalprash said "It's a great day to be in Ohio". LIAR! It's actually humid and overcast. Dave Konig

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. Demetri Martin

I want a job where someday I get to say "Sir! With all due respect.." Ramin Nazer

Stand-up comedy is one of the hardest, scariest things you can do. That's why there are only 800 million people who do it. Ramin Nazer

An old black man--he ain't going to let you fuck up his money. Whenever an old black man sees an old white man, the old black man always kisses the old white man's ass. "How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you. Whatever I can get you, you let me know." As soon as the white man get out of sight, he's like: "Cracker-ass cracker! I'll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! I wish that cracker would've said some shit to me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker! (spits) motherf (spits) motherf... cracker, kiss my ass, you fucking cracker!" The white man come back. [And the old black man says to him:] "Howdy, sir?" Chris Rock

I got an uncle real crazy. My uncle B. 55 years old, hates the white people, married to a white lady. And he sits around going, "You know, these crackers ain't shit. Except for Susie." He tried to explain the whole thing to me. One day he said, "Yeah, yeah. I got a white wife. I love her, she love me. That's all that matters. But I'll tell you this: if the revolution ever come, I'll kill her first! Just to show these crackers I mean business! Motherfucker, cracker-ass, motherfucker cracker! Shit, cracker motherfucker! [To wife:] Hey, hey--hi, honey. [To Chris:] Motherfucker cracker. I'll kill my cracker kids, too!" Chris Rock

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!" Chris Rock

There's nothing a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off guard, ever. I'm always looking for some racism. ... I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin, doing an interview, talking about Madagascar 2, say, "Yeah Regis, Madagascar 2 is real good, man. I play a zebra again. Oh, this shit great." And right in the middle of the interview, Regis would pull a pencil out of his pocket, stab me in the neck, say, "Take that, you fucking nigger. Take that, you dirty, greasy nigger. Take that, you fucking nigger." And I'll be like, "I should've seen it coming." I'll be mad at me. I'll apologize. "Hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. I'm sorry, man." Chris Rock

All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions that will allow her to run her fucking mouth! You set her up, she'll knock them down. Fellas, you want your woman to be happy? All you got to say is, "How was your day? Honey, how was your day" Know why? 'Cause "How was your day?" is a 45 minute conversation to a woman. And as a man, you don't really gotta talk. You gotta just act like you're talking. "Get out of here. Go on! I don't believe it. ... You don't say! Really? Get out of here! ... Go on. I don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here. ... I told you that bitch crazy!" You gotta throw in, "I told you that bitch crazy." You know why? 'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand. Women, y'all exaggerate everything. You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like: "She's trying to destroy me!" What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's! What's she doing, ripping up your paper? Chris Rock

Women are the biggest liars. Masters of the lie. The visual lie. Look at you. You got on heels, you ain't that tall. You got on makeup, your face don't look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain't that long. You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big. Everything about you is a lie. And you expect me to tell the truth? Fuck you! Chris Rock

Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. ... 'Cause at some point, you have heard everything this person has to say, and it makes you sick to your stomach. You know what they're gonna say before it even comes out their mouth. And you just wanna stab them in the neck with a pencil! You can't take the shit no more! And they're like, "Remember that time..." "Yeah--I remember that time!" "I ever tell you about..." "Yeah--you told me about that time! Stop telling me the same shit over and over again! Why don't you go out and get kidnapped, have some new shit happen to you?" Chris Rock

Why is it so hard to be a man? 'Cause nobody cares about men. Nobody gives a fuck about men. If you see a homeless man on the street with a dog, you feel sorry for the dog. ... Every night on TV, I see there's a new missing woman. "We got to find Carol. Where's Carol? We must find Carol. Carol didn't come home last night. Where the fuck is Carol?" I've never seen one of these things for a missing man yet. It's like, "Bob didn't come last night." "Good. I hope he never comes home. Probably out fucking Carol." Chris Rock

Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Everybody takes Daddy for granted. ... "Tell your mama how good the food is. Tell her how nice the house looks. Tell your mama how nice her hair looks. Did you tell your mama? You better go in there and tell your mama. That's right! Tell your mama." Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. ... What does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. ... And some women don't want to give up the big piece of chicken. Who the fuck is you to keep the big piece of chicken? ... When I was a kid, my mama would lose her mind if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident. "What the fuck! You ate the big piece of chicken? Oh, Lord! No, no. Now I got to take some chicken and sew it up and shit. Get me two wings and a pork chop." Chris Rock

It's hard to defend [rap lyrics like] "I've got hos in different area codes". It's hard to defend "Move bitch, get out the way!" "Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, 'Move, bitch, get out the way.' You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!" Chris Rock

Last night I didn't realize I said "abortion" [in my stand up comedy act] instead of "circumcision." No wonder I got blank stares at "rabbi got faint at sight of blood." Ben Rosenfeld

I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly. Steve Schneider

I at least have the decency to hate on & talk shit about people I have met & personally know are assholes. Steve Schneider

Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you. Steve Schneider

These Korean shopkeepers seem pretty angry at me for not being Korean. Steve Schneider

I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money. Steve Schneider

My parents lied to me. They DIDN'T tell me I was a worthless piece of shit. Steve Schneider

I don't talk about my hair anymore because I've matured. I matured and realized it doesn't matter what you look like. It's what kind of hair you have inside that counts. Garry Shandling

All I would prescribe if I were a psychologist is seven years of chopping wood in Alaska. David Venhuizen

I saw a commercial the other day, and I really don't understand the organization, and I really don't understand who they think they're ever gonna help. And it was for a company called www.don'tshakeababy.com. Now, I'm not gonna get up here and take a big pro-baby-shaking stance, so you can go ahead and relax, Seattle. But I don't know who they're supposed to help. Because if you're such an inbred, meth-head shit-hook, that you would consider shaking a baby, the only thing that's gonna help you is a beheading. Now, I know there's people in the audience tonight going, "But Ron, Ron, Ron--but Ron! What if the baby's asking for it?" Don't shake a baby! "What if I can't find my car keys and I've looked everywhere?" Yeah--even then. I went on to www.don'tshakeababy.com, and they have links to similar websites. They have a link to www.don't-stick-your-dick-in-a-toaster.com, and they have a link to www.don't-shove-a-ferret-in-your-ass.com. And there's a lot of reasons why you don't want a ferret in your ass. Because they're not like gerbils. They've got fangs and claws and a lot of shit you don't need in your ass, man. Ron White

I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan. Kyle Cease

What is up with Jermaine [Jackson]? Is it just me or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen? Just greasy motherfucker. Looking like he sprayed Armoral on his face! Just glistening--like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter! When Jermaine is on the TV, I got to wipe the screen! "I can't see shit! Jermaine must've been on!" Even the police can't catch his ass. He just slips out! They're like "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga please!" Chris Rock

By the way--if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. ... This is not a joke. You're going, "There's going to be a joke coming." There's no fucking joke coming. ... I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now, too. "Oh, you know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags! "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now? He's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags! Quit putting a godamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! "Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that." Bill Hicks

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? Henny Youngman

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn." Henny Youngman

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Henny Youngman

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Why is it so hard to find undercooked meat? Because it's rare.

What does a gay horse eat? Haaaay!