I think Olympic judges should give weightlifters a score. "Smith only lifted 272 pounds. And the judges just gave him a 9.8 for grunting, a 9.7 for sweating, a 10.0 for post-lift vomiting, and 0.6 for lifting weights. Smith can't lift weights for shit--but he vomits like a champion."
How come when the Olympics comes around, billions of people are suddenly transformed into very serious fans of sports like taekwondo, curling, synchronized swimming, and the luge? They're snobby about it, too--like they're wine aficionados drinking a bottle of Chateaux Haut Brion. Some guy watches synchronized swimming and thinks, "Latvia did a magnificent triple lindy. How come the judges only gave them an 8.5? Ridiculous! I don't even know what sport I'm watching--but I'm sure Latvia deserves a 9.2." Then he watches the luge and tells someone, "My goodness. That was some impressive luging. The luge is a magnificent sport. I really love the luge. You know, back in college, I was left lugyfroosh on the Yale luging team. And in 1997, I scored 43 lugemehooshes."
Then a month after the Olympics, that same guy says, "Luge? What in the hell is a luge? It sounds like a toilet part. You got your gasket, your valve, and your luge. The luge is what makes your toilet flush clockwise. Unless you have an Australian luge. I learned that at community college. I was left gasketmaster on their toilet repair team." Then he flips through the channels, he comes across synchronized swimming, and he thinks, "Why is ESPN showing a bunch of homosexuals swimming together? Is this some kind of exotic sport?" And when the announcer mentions that Latvia got an 8.5, he thinks, "Latvia? I don't even think that's a country. It sounds like a toilet part. You got your gasket, your valve, your luge, and your latvia. The latvia is what prevents water from shooting up into your face. And if you have an Australian latvia, it also protects you against kangaroo attacks."
After any Olympic event, the gold medalist has the status of a king. The bronze medalist has the status of a Duke. And the silver medalist has the status of someone who just got herpes. Because to most people, a silver medal is just a spotlight on the fact that someone didn't finish first. "Welcome back to the 2012 Olympics. I'm here with silver medalist and worthless piece of shit John Smith. John, your father always said you'd never amount to anything--and today you confirmed that. Let's talk about the guy who beat you by two hundredths of a second. I love that guy. Apparently you were too stupid to realize that you were supposed to run faster than him. He just signed a $10 million deal to endorse shoes and light bulbs. You just signed an $8 deal to endorse toilet luges and latvias."
I really wonder about some people at the gym. There's always an interesting cast of characters there. Like that guy who does 35 different exercises that no one's ever heard of. The last time I saw him, he had a 50 pound dumbbell in one hand, a 10 kilogram kettlebell in the other hand, a jump rope wrapped around his neck, a rubber ducky under his armpit, and an Arrested Development Blu Ray disc taped to his thigh. He's a workout snob. "Why the hell would I do bench presses like all of you idiots, when I can get a real workout by doing Antarctic George Michael rubber ducky push presses? Quack quack."
When I'm at the gym, it's not all about me. I go out of my way to motivate others to be the best they can be. Like if some guy's curling 20 pound dumbbells, I scoff at him, and curl 40 pound dumbbells right in front of him. And if some guy's curling 80 pound dumbbells, I tell him, "Your spray-on tan looks ridiculous, you orange jackass."
Some people are a little too obsessed with being built, and letting others know how built they are. At the DMV they say, "I don't need vanity plates--but I want a vanity drivers' license. Just add my bodyfat percentage next to my weight, and put a full body photo on the back." And then a month later they pulled over. [Police Officer:] "License and registration, please." [Bodybuilder:] "Just the words I wanted to hear, officer. Check it out, bro. 240 pounds, 3.8% bodyfat. Put that on my ticket. OK. Now I'm gonna step out the car, take off my shirt, and flex my pectoral muscles, to confirm my identity."
The other day, I asked someone like that about his workout. And he told me. "I do two sets of squats, four sets of dips, six sets of eight sets of fish and chips. Ten sets of tartar sauce, presses and curls. Wipe of my sweat, flirt with 12 sets of girls. I trade a Maximus for a Megatron, fight an octopus in the octagon, do the heptathlon and the decathlon, work my quadriceps at the pentagon, lower my triglycerides, soak my buttocks in formaldehyde, slaughter a yellow goat, and row, row, row your boat. I pull up my boxers and read Geoffrey Chaucer, iron my vest and dropkick Kanye West, do three sets of chin ups with a thin black Russian, drink a protein shake with two sets of Robitussin. I pick a peck of pickled peppers, shake it all about, do five sets of the hokey pokey, and eat some sauerkraut. I can a quart of candied carrots, sell some seashells on the seashore, sheer a sheep, shine my shoes, squats and flyes, ham on rye, hit on nine, double down on ten, change the song to 'It's Raining Men.' I deadlift a train caboose, lift up a dead moose, sweat to the oldies, and vomit in a Waffle House Men's Room. I do the stairmaster while I watch Mystery Theater, I watch Mr. Magoo while I take off my shoe, I put mustard on my toes and some ketchup on my nose, I do eighteen sets of rows, then I urinate in a hose. And I don't use a rubber ducky." After hearing his workout, I was so tired that I sat down and took a smoking break. And I told him, "That workout sounds pretty good. Maybe I'll squeeze it in to my daily routine, right between going to Dunkin Donuts and taking my mid afternoon nap."
Some malls have a side by side escalator and stairway. Which sets up that situation where one guy's on the escalator, and another guy's taking the stairs right next to him. And the stair guy looks at the escalator guy a few times. As if to say, "I'll bet once you get off thar escalator, you're going to take a ten minute post-escalator nap--you lazy son of a bitch." I do that a lot. I don't even bother going to the gym anymore. I just ten minutes going up an down the mall stairs, and then doing push ups right where people get off the escalator.