EXT. YACHT – NIGHT
TONY (Cuban, medium height, late twenties) and an attractive young WOMAN are slow dancing to Barry White’s “I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby.” After about thirty seconds, they stop and romantically gaze into each others eyes for a few moments As they slowly lean in to kiss, we hear a man’s voice.
MASTURBAR (V.O.) Tony.
EXT. SHIP – DAY (CONT.)
Tony is asleep and curled up against the wall of a small run down ship filled to capacity with CUBAN REFUGEES. He is kissing the air, and his erect penis can be seen propping up the crotch area of his pants.
MASTURBAR (O.S.) (louder) Tony.
Tony wakes up and sees MASTURBAR (Cuban, tall, late twenties) standing over him.
MASTURBAR We’re almost there. Get up, man.
Tony stands up. His penis is still erect.
MASTURBAR Can you believe it, man? Five hours ago we were in a fucking cage in Cuba, and now we’re five minutes away from the Joonited States.
TONY … Joonited States?
MASTURBAR Yeah, man.
TONY … It’s the United States—not the Joonited States. Joo sound like jore fresh of the boat when joo pronounce it like that.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM A – DAY
Tony is seated near a desk in a small room. Two forty to fifty year old male IMMIGRATION OFFICIALS are sitting on the other side of the table.
IO What’s your name?
IO 2 Como se llama?
TONY Rigatoni Dakota. … But you can call me “Tony.”
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM B – DAY (CONT.)
Masturbar is seated in a similar room and being interviewed by two other IMMIGRATION OFFICIALS.
IO 3 What’s your name?
IO 4 Como se llama?
MASTURBAR Pass.
IO 3 Is that your first name or your last name?
IO 4 (Spanish) Is that your first name or your last name?
MASTURBAR No—I meant I’d like to pass on that question. Move on to the next one.
IO 3 … You can’t pass. Now what’s your name?
MASTURBAR Masturbar Mucho.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM A – DAY (CONT.)
IO And what did you do for a living in Cuba?
TONY I was one of those religious fuckers with the ninja suits.
IO … You mean a priest?
TONY Whatever the fuck they’re called—that’s what I was.
IO And why did you leave Cuba?
TONY… Have you ever seen Cuba? Living there is like living with your mother-in-law in a cardboard box next to a fucking garbage dump. ... But to be fair, I should point out that Team Castro throws you a bag of rice and a bar of soap every month.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM B – DAY (CONT.)
IO 3 And what did you do for a living in Cuba?
MASTURBAR I was a hitman.
IO 3 You were a hitman?
MASTURBAR … Did I say hitman? I meant to say… doctor.
IO3 And why did you leave Cuba?
MASTURBAR Well—let me put it this way. In Cuba, a doctor makes three hundred dollars a year. In America, a panhandler makes three hundred dollars a week. ... That Karl Marx was full of shit.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM A – DAY (CONT.)
IO And how do we know you’re not just another criminal Cuba’s trying to dump on us?
TONY Criminal? No. I’m just a man looking for life, liberty, and all of that other shit—and now I just want the forty acres and mule your fucking president promised me.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM B – DAY (CONT.)
IO 3 Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
MASTURBAR Yes.
IO 3 Yes?
MASTURBAR … Did I say yes? I meant to say… no.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM A – DAY (CONT.)
IO ... OK. Welcome to America.
He hands Tony a green card.
IO Here’s your green card.
INT. IMMIGRATION PROCESSING ROOM B – DAY (CONT.)
IO 3 Alright. That’ll do it.
He hands Masturbar a green card.
IO3 Welcome to America. ... Have fun.
EXT. BUSY MIAMI STREET - DAY
Close up on Masturbar’s face
MASTURBAR Can you believe it, man? We’re legal residents, and we already got jobs.
Masturbar is standing on the sidewalk next to a shopping cart filled with orange bags. Tony is seated nearby working on a pencil sketch of two men standing next to two giant empty egg shell halves, one of which has a Cuban flag drawn on it. Tony looks up at Masturbar.
TONY … You call this a fucking job? I didn’t come to America to do this shit, man.
A car pulls up near them. The DRIVER pulls down his window and says:
DRIVER How much?
MASTURBAR Two dollars.
The Driver hands him two one dollar bills, and Masturbar hands him a bag of oranges. The Driver drives away. Masturbar opens another bag, takes out an orange, and begins peeling it.
TONY I’m telling you, man—this country’s like one great big chicken just waiting to get fucked——and we’re out here peddling oranges for a few dollars.
MASTURBAR Hey—it’s just until we get on our feet. And it’s not that bad, man. I mean, we get to spend our days outside, getting some sun, meeting new people. ...
He puts an orange slice into his mouth.
MASTURBAR And oranges are nature’s perfect food.
TONY ... You know—you’ve always been a “glass is half full” kind of guy.
MASTURBAR That’s right. And it’s half full of orange juice right now.
TONY Yeah—but half a glass is not enough for me. I want the whole fucking orange grove.
INT. SMALL CUBAN HOME - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
SUPERIMPOSE: “CUBA”
TONY 6 -- Tony at age 6 -- is sitting on the floor, finishing up a large crayon drawing of Fidel Castro sitting on the toilet. His brother BENNY 7 -- a slightly taller Cuban boy -- is dressed in a police officer costume, holding a couple of bananas as if they’re guns, and playing cops and robbers with an imaginary robber. TONY’S MOTHER (late twenties) and his AUNT (early thirties) are seated at a kitchen table drinking coffee.
TONY’S MOTHER (to Tony 6) Tony—show your Aunt your drawing.
Tony picks up the drawing and shows it to his Aunt.
TONY’S AUNT It’s beautiful.
He puts the drawing back down and continues working.
TONY’S MOTHER (to Tony’s aunt) You know, maybe one day Tony will become a famous artist, and Benny will become the chief of police.
TONY 6 Mamma. Where’s papa?
TONY’S MOTHER I told you a thousand times, Tony. He’s in jail.
TONY 6 But why?
TONY’S MOTHER How many times do I have to tell you? He’s in jail for selling American pornography.
TONY 6 But why did he sell American pornography?
TONY’S MOTHER I’ll tell you why. Because of the situation those doo-doo head Americans put us in. They’re the source of all of our problems.
TONY 6 When is papa coming back home?
TONY’S MOTHER Soon Tony.
INT. APARTMENT ROOM - DAY
Tony walks into the room.
TONY Good news, man. I got us some real jobs.
MASTURBAR Real jobs?
TONY Yeah.
MASTURBAR … So are we killers or drug dealers?
TONY We’re killers. For a drug dealer. And if we do a good job, we can work our way up to drug dealer.
MASTURBAR Well what type of money are we talking about?
TONY Our first hit pays twenty thousand.
MASTURBAR Twenty thousand? Who the fuck do we have to kill? Chuck Norris?
TONY No—just some regular guy who tried to screw our boss.
MASTURBAR … Twenty thousand dollars?
TONY Yeah man.
MASTURBAR … Bullshit, man.
TONY No—I’m serious.
MASTURBAR ... Bullshit, man.
TONY No—I’m serious.
MASTURBAR … Bullshit, man.
TONY No—I’m serious.
MASTURBAR … Are you serious?
TONY Bullshit, man. I mean—yeah man. I’m serious.
MASTURBAR Well how did you get this fucking job.
TONY I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy, that we killed in Cuba. And he knows what kind of work we do.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - DAY
Tony and Masturbar walk through the hallway and stop in front of an apartment unit’s front door.
MASTURBAR You ready?
Tony puts his hand in the back of his pants and pulls a pocket watch out of his butt. It reads 12:58.
TONY Let’s wait a little while.
He puts the watch back in his butt.
MASTURBAR Why?
TONY It’s bad luck to kill people during the last ten minutes of an hour.
MASTURBAR Yeah—but it’s not a good idea to hang around outside the apartment of the guy you’re about to kill.
TONY … OK. How about we go inside, chit chat with him for a couple of minutes, and then kill him.
MASTURBAR Sounds good, man.
Tony knocks on the door.
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.) Yeah.
TONY We’re Mr. Goldenberg’s friends. We need to settle a few matters with you.
The door is opened by a dark haired Caucasian MAN in his early thirties. Tony and Masturbar walk in.
INT. APARTMENT ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
TONY Sit down.
The Man sits down on a sofa. Tony looks around and remarks:
TONY I love what you’ve done with the place.
He spots a Che Guevara poster on the wall.
TONY Is that Che Guevara?
MAN Yeah. … Do you like him?
TONY Actually... No. That motherfucker ruthlessly murdered my great uncle back in Havana.
MAN Oh. ... Well, I was planning to take that poster down.
Tony notices a half-eaten quarter pounder with cheese lying on a table near the kitchenette.
TONY Is that a quarter pounder with cheese?
MAN Yeah.
TONY ... Do you know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Cuba?
MAN No.
TONY (angrily) They don’t call it shit—‘cause they don’t have McDonalds in Cuba! (calms down) ... They don’t have much of anything in Cuba. But you know what they have plenty of?
MAN Uh... no.
TONY (to Masturbar) Tell him.
MASTURBAR Nothing.
TONY That’s right. Nothing.
MAN Uh... is this going anywhere or...
TONY Have you ever heard of a guy by the name of Jesus Christ?
MAN Uh... Yeah.
TONY There’s a quote of his I’m awfully fond of. Luke Six Thirty-One.
Tony takes a gun out of his pocket and points it at the Man.
TONY (meanly) Do unto others, as you’d have them do unto you.
Tony fires three bullets into the Man.
INT. APARTMENT ROOM - DAY (LATER)
A couple of DETECTIVES are examining the Man’s dead body while a FORENSIC PHOTOGRAPHER snaps photos.
DETECTIVE 1 So uh—should we dust for prints, look for hairs, interview neighbors?
DETECTIVE 2 (casually) No—that doesn’t seem necessary. This looks like an obvious suicide.
DETECTIVE 1 But... no gun was found at the scene. And he was shot multiple times.
DETECTIVE 2 Well, I’ll just put down...
He takes out a pad and pen, and begins writing.
DETECTIVE 2 ...assisted suicide.
INT. BAR - EARLY EVENING
Masturbar is seated at a table drinking beer. Tony walks into the bar and sits down next to him.
MASTURBAR So what happened?
TONY They gave me the next assignment.
MASTURBAR Already? Who do we have to kill this time?
TONY We’re not killers anymore. We’re drug dealers.
MASTURBAR That was fucking quick.
TONY Hey—that’s how they do things around here. We’re not in Cuba anymore.
MASTURBAR You can say that again.
TONY You can say that again.
MASTURBAR ... So what do we have to do?
TONY Buy a little coke from a new supplier.
MASTURBAR And how much does the job pay?
TONY Twenty thousand.
MASTURBAR Twenty thousand? ... Bullshit, man.
TONY Don’t start that shit again. ... Anyways, we’ll go over the plan tonight.
MASTURBAR OK, man.
Tony spots an attractive WOMAN standing a few yards away.
TONY (to Woman) Hey. You wanna have a drink with me and my friend?
WOMAN (in an “are you kidding me?” tone, as if she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them) No.
TONY … You wanna go to my apartment and have sex?
WOMAN ... (in a “why not?” / “sounds good” tone) Sure.
EXT. MOTEL - DAY
Masturbar is standing at the end of a motel corridor.
Tony is several rooms down.
Tony walks up to a room and knocks on the door. Masturbar hides behind the corridor corner. An OLD LADY opens the door.
OLD LADY Yes?
Tony looks at her and then glances into her room.
TONY (confused) Uh—I don’t suppose there’s a Columbian drug dealer in there with you?
OLD LADY Columbian drug dealer? No. The only other person in here is my husband—a Jewish proctologist. I think you’re looking for the gentleman next door.
TONY Oh. ... OK. ... Sorry to bother you.
She closes the door. Masturbar reappears from around the corner, and watches as Tony walks up to the next room and knocks the door Masturbar once again hides behind the corner. A 40 year old COLUMBIAN MAN opens the door.
COLUMBIAN MAN Tony?
TONY Yeah.
COLUMBIAN MAN I am a Columbian coke dealer.
TONY OK.
COLUMBIAN MAN Entra.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY (CONT.)
Tony walks in. The Columbian Man closes the door behind him.
They walk to the center of the room.
COLUMBIAN MAN So how are you doing?
TONY OK.
A THUG bursts out of the bathroom holding a machine gun. He points it at Tony.
COLUMBIAN MAN OK! Enough small talk! Where’s the fucking money, you fucking Cuban piece of shit!
TONY (points out the window) ... It’s over...
COLUMBIAN MAN Not talking, huh?! Tough guy, huh?! (to the Thug) Bring over the chainsaw!
THUG We didn’t get one.
COLUMBIAN MAN Well, do you have a knife or something?
The Thug searches his pockets, but comes up empty.
COLUMBIAN MAN Well, can you at least get me a piece of paper!?
The Thug hands him a piece of paper.
COLUMBIAN MAN (To Tony) Sit down!
Tony sits down on a nearby chair.
The Columbian Man grabs a rope and ties Tony to the chair. He then takes the piece of paper, and, with a sadistic look on his face, uses its edge to give Tony paper cuts on his forearm.
EXT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY (CONT.)
Masturbar is holding a stethoscope up to the door.
COLUMBIAN MAN (O.S.) Now are you ready to talk, or do you want more!
Masturbar throws the stethoscope aside and rings the doorbell.
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY (CONT.)
The Columbian Man looks towards the door and says:
COLUMBIAN MAN (to the Thug) Who the fuck is that?
He walks towards the door, looks into the peephole, and sees Masturbar.
COLUMBIAN MAN Who is it?
MASTURBAR (O.S.) Yeah—I’m here to deliver some ... free prostitutes.
COLUMBIAN MAN Free prostitutes? From who?
MASTURBAR (O.S.) Uh... Free Prostitutes... Incorporated?
The Columbian Man thinks for a few moments, shrugs his shoulders, and then turns to the Thug and says:
COLUMBIAN MAN Hide the Cuban in the bathroom.
The Thug grabs Tony’s chair and drags it and Tony into the bathroom. He then walks out of the bathroom and closes the door.
The Columbian Man opens the front door.
COLUMBIAN MAN (to Masturbar) Uh... where are the prostitutes?
MASTURBAR They’re in my van. Uh... Would you guys mind turning around for a minute? I uh... need to give you an aids test.
COLUMBIAN MAN An aids test?
MASTURBAR Yeah, man. Company rules.
The Columbian Man and the Thug turn around Masturbar takes a gun and silencer out of his pocket, attaches the silencer to the gun, and then points and fires several shots into The Columbian Man and the Thug, causing both of them to fall to the floor and die.
INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY (LATER)
Two new DETECTIVES and a new FORENSIC PHOTOGRAPHER are examining the dead bodies of the Columbian Man and Thug.
DETECTIVE 1 I suppose they shot each other up.
DETECTIVE 2 Actually—it looks like they were both shot in the back.
DETECTIVE 1 ... Yeah—that’s right.
DETECTIVE 2 ... So, uh, should we start a murder investigation?
DETECTIVE 1 ... What do I look like—Sherlock Holmes? They don’t pay me enough to go to all that trouble.
He pulls out a pen and pad.
DETECTIVE 1 I’ll just put down double assisted suicide.
INT. CUBAN CLASSROOM - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
TONY 9 and 15-20 other eight to nine year old STUDENTS are seated in a classroom while a TEACHER lectures from the front of the class.
Tony is working on a marker drawing of a cigar-smoking Fidel Castro defecating on a dozen blindfolded men holding pickaxes and shovels.
TEACHER ...And that’s why Castro is a saint, and the Americans are a bunch of filthy pigs. ... Tony—are you listening?!
TONY 9 Uh—yeah. Castro gained weight by eating a bunch of American pigs.
TEACHER No—Castro is a saint, and the Americans are a bunch of filthy pigs!
TONY 9 Then how come so many Cubans want to go to America, and no one in their right mind wants to move to Cuba?
TEACHER Well Mr. Smarty Pants, it’s because people don’t know any better. And that little remark of yours just earned you a month in prison.
A couple of POLICE OFFICERS walk into the room and up to Tony’s desk.
TEACHER But now you’ll get to be with your criminal father. I hear he’s in jail for selling American water.
INT. MEXICAN FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY
Tony and Masturbar walk in. Tony spots his MOTHER seated at a table.
TONY Mama?!
TONY'S MOTHER (Coldly) Rigatoni.
TONY ... So. ... How you doing?
TONY’S MOTHER (Coldly) ... OK. ... And what have you been up to, Tony?
TONY Uh—I work for Microsoft.
She looks at the blood stains on his clothing and says:
TONY’S MOTHER And I suppose those red stains on your clothes are computer fluid.
TONY No—that—s some dead fucker’s blood... (checks himself) ...Uh... I mean, yeah, it’s computer fluid.
TONY'S MOTHER ... Get away from me, Tony.
TONY What?
TONY’S MOTHER You heard me. I don’t want you in my life. I’m not like you, Tony. I’m an honest person. I work for my living.
TONY Well, what do you do?
TONY’S MOTHER (proudly) I’m a prostitute.
TONY Oh—excuse me, Mrs. Prostitute. You’re a real fucking asset to society. And I mean that literally.
She stands up and slaps Tony on the face.
TONY’S MOTHER You think you’re tough shit?! Look at me when I’m talking to you!
TONY Mama—I’m looking right at you.
TONY’S MOTHER Well then look at the floor!
He puts his head down and looks at the floor. She slaps on the face again.
TONY’S MOTHER Now look at me again!
He looks at her She slaps him again.
TONY’S MOTHER Shut up! ... Now what do you have to say for yourself?
TONY Well I...
She slaps him again.
TONY’S MOTHER I said shut up!
TONY Calm down.
TONY’S MOTHER I’ve had enough of your crap, Tony. Don’t you ever come near me again.
She begins walking out of the restaurant. A MAN stares as her.
She stops, slaps the Man on the face, and resumes walking out.
INT. KOSHER DELI – DAY
Tony and Masturbar are seated at a table with GOLDY GOLDENBERG GOLDENSTEIN, a 40 something orthodox Hassidic Jew. A WAITER walks up to the table holding a bottle of Manischewitz wine. GOLDY Pour it for all of us.
The Waiter pours wine for Goldy, Tony, and Masturbar.
GOLDY This is Manischewitz’s best wine. Twenty seven dollars a bottle. And guess what: I buy it wholesale for my home for only eight. Can you believe the profit margins this place is making? I must be in the wrong business!
Tony and Masturbar drink some wine. Goldy points to SALVATORE SILVERSTEIN—a fat Hasidic Jewish Man who is eating a sandwich several tables away.
GOLDY See that guy over there? That’s Salvatore Silverstein of the Glatt Kosher Mafia. That piece of shit motherfucker gets paid five Gs a month just to certify this restaurant Glatt Kosher. In fact, the way I figure it...
He takes a calculator out of his pocket and begins punching in some numbers.
GOLDY ...over the years, that shithead’s Glatt Kosher tax has taken over two thousand dollars out of my own pocket.
He continues typing data into his calculator.
GOLDY Figure in six and a half percent interest compounded hourly, and the number is up to... forty two hundred dollars.
He thinks for a few seconds, and then gets out of his seat and makes his way towards Salvatore.
Tony and Masturbar watch as Goldy confronts Salvatore and exchanges some angry words with him (that we [as well as Tony and Masturbar] cannot hear). Goldy then takes a handgun out of his jacket and points it at Salvatore, who, quite terrified, nervously takes out his wallet, opens it, takes out about a dozen bills, and hands them to Goldy. Goldy, still not satisfied, angrily yells and points at Salvatore’s watch, prompting him to remove it from his wrist and hand it over as well. Goldy calmly walks back to his table and sits down next to Tony and Masturbar.
GOLDY That brings us to rule number one: rather than waiting for people to hand you your due, go out there and get it! It kind of reminds of something my grandmother used to say: “Meshuggennah ken bubbeleh yentl shikse bubkus pickle, boca raton shtup tuchis goyim fiddler on the roof.”
TONY What does that mean?
GOLDY For every one saint, there are half a billion greedy, selfish, two faced motherfuckers who will go so far as to cheat their own siblings if they think they can get away with it.
TONY That kind of reminds of a saying we have in Cuba: “Dos Feliz Navidad mi Speedy Gonzalez, la cucaracha esta sabado gigante.”
GOLDY What does that mean?
TONY There are two kinds of people in this world: capitalists who will fuck you in the ass, and communists who will fuck you in the rear.
GOLDY ... I see you’re familiar with rule number one. Well, let’s move on to rule number two: love your neighbor as yourself—unless, of course, he owes you money, he’s your competitor, he’s trying to screw you, or he just pisses you off.
He takes a small bag of cocaine out of his pocket, sticks his pinky finger in, takes it out, and snorts some cocaine off of it.
GOLDY And last but not least, rule number three: Never get high on your own supply. ... But to be honest, I always thought rule number three was bullshit. I mean, if we don’t get high on our own supply, whose supply do we get high on?
He snorts some more cocaine, and then continues.
GOLDY So, Masturbar—they tell me you really love the ladies.
MASTURBAR Yeah, man. My goal in life is to have sex with as many women as possible. ... In other words, I’m a romantic.
GOLDY Well, if you stick with me and make it big in this business, the women will be all over you—and you’ll be on your way to uh, how shall we say, starting the twelve tribes of Masturbar. ... Say—that’s a pretty unique name you’ve got. I don’t believe I’ve ever heard it before.
MASTURBAR Yeah—it means “to masturbate” in Spanish.
GOLDY ... To masturbate?
MASTURBAR Yeah. ... My father was a sperm donor.
GOLDY ... ... ... Anyways, let me get right to the point. You’ve done some good work for us so far, and I want make you my Senior VPs in charge of operations and beating the living shit out of our enemies. ... So. ... What do you say?
Tony looks at Masturbar.
TONY I say: Mazel Tov. You’ve got yourself a couple of new VPS.
MONTAGE to “Movin' On Up” (The Jeffersons theme)
INT. ROOM 1 - DAY (CONT.)
Three DRUG DEALERS show Tony and Masturbar an open suitcase full of money.
They close the suitcase and hand it to Tony.
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (CONT.)
Tony has a ferocious look on his face, and is shooting various MEN.
INT. ARCADE - DAY (CONT.)
Tony is playing a violent shooting video game.
INT. TONY’S APARTMENT - DAY (CONT.)
Masturbar is lying face down on the floor while Tony walks barefoot on top of his back.
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY (CONT.)
Tony walks up to a baby in a carriage who is holding a lollipop.
He grabs the lollipop and runs away.
INT. TONY'S APARTMENT (CONT.)
Tony is sitting on his sofa, watching an episode of The Golden Girls on television.
INT. TONY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT (CONT.)
Tony is sitting in the dark in his underwear, using a plastic spork to eat beans out of a can.
INT. ROOM 3 - DAY (CONT.)
A cash counting machine is counting fifty dollar Monopoly bills.
Tony and Masturbar are standing nearby.
INT. TONY'S APARTMENT - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar are watching television. They suddenly get up and begin celebrating (slapping hands, smiling, jumping, etc.)
We look at the television, and see a key scene from a popular chick-flick.
EXT. PARK - DAY (CONT.)
A blindfolded Tony hits a pinata with a bat. It breaks open, and cocaine comes pouring out of it.
He takes off his blindfold, gets on all fours, and snorts cocaine off the ground.
END MONTAGE
INT. SMALL CUBAN HOME - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
TONY 12 is holding a paintbrush, and working on a variation of Van Gogh’s Potato Eaters featuring Tony and his family, and rice in place of potatoes. BENNY 13 walks in holding two buckets of water, singing the theme to Cops.
BENNY 13 Bad boys, bad boys / Watcha gonna do? / Watcha gonna do when they come for you? / Bad boys, bad boys / Watcha gonna do? / Watcha gonna do when they come for you?
Tony’s Mother is seated at a kitchen table containing three plates of rice and beans She calls out to Tony and Benny:
TONY’S MOTHER Lunchtime!
Tony and Benny make their way to the kitchen. They sit down.
TONY 12 Where’s dad?
TONY’S MOTHER He left to, uh, buy some more rice.
TONY 12 That was five days ago.
TONY’S MOTHER Well, he probably just wants to make sure he buys the right kind.
TONY 12 Mamma—this is communist Cuba. There’s only one kind.
TONY’S MOTHER I said he wants to buy the right kind! ... Besides—he called a few hours ago. He said he’ll be home any day now.
TONY 12 Called? Mamma—we don’t have a phone.
TONY’S MOTHER And you want to know why we don’t have a phone? Because of those greedy, selfish, piece of shit Americans. ... Now eat your food before the Americans take away its heat!
INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
Masturbar is sitting on a sofa watching TV Tony walks out of the bedroom wearing a sharp outfit and looking well groomed and ready to go out.
MASTURBAR Where are you going, man?
TONY I’m taking out Goldy’s wife.
MASTURBAR Bullshit, man.
TONY No—I’m serious. Goldy’s stuck in Saudi Arabia, and he wants me to keep her company.
MASTURBAR ... So are you going to try to have sex with her?
TONY Of course. ... By the way, do you have any more of those condoms with the holes in the tips?
EXT. GOLDY’S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING
Tony rings the doorbell. Goldy’s wife ANITA (white, American, mid twenties) opens the door.
TONY You ready?
Anita sees Tony’s car—a Chevy Chevette that looks like it’s been through a few dozen hurricanes—parked on the street.
ANITA Is that your car?
TONY Yeah. You like it?
Tony takes out his keys, points the keyless entry remote towards the car, and presses a button. The car horn plays the hook to “Guantanamera”.
ANITA It looks like a Guadalajaran Bar’s Men’s Room toilet on Cinco de Mayo.
TONY You know, that’s a actually a common misinterpretation of its abstract expressionist style.
ANITA And what exactly is it trying to express abstractly?
TONY That I drive a piece of shit.
ANITA Well. I’m not getting into that car.
TONY Oh. ... Are you sure?
ANITA Yeah.
TONY (calmly) ... OK. Go back inside for a few minutes. I'll take care of this.
Anita looks at him, walks back in the house, and closes the door.
EXT. GOLDY'S HOUSE – EARLY EVENING (MINUTES LATER)
Tony is standing next to the door. He rings the bell, and then runs back to the car and ducks behind it.
Anita opens the door.
ANITA Hello?
She looks around, spots some cocaine on the ground. She gets on her knees and sniffs it. After doing so, she looks forward and spots some more cocaine on the ground a few feet away. She walks over to it and snorts it This pattern continues until she closes in towards Tony's car parked in the street. The car door is open, and there is some cocaine on the front passenger seat.
She crawls up onto the passenger seat and snorts the cocaine on it.
Tony closes the door behind her and gets into the car. He pours some cocaine on his lap She begins snorting it. He drives off
.
INT. DINER - NIGHT
25-35 DINERS are seated in a medium sized 50s style diner.
The WAITERS are knockoffs of OSAMA BIN LADEN, AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI, SADDAM HUSSEIN, ADOLPH HITLER, KIM JONG IL, JOSEPH STALIN, IDI AMIN, POL POT, GENGHIS KHAN, BENITO MUSSOLINI, OJ SIMPSON, BARBRA STREISAND, and DARTH VADER. Tony and Anita are seated at a table, studying their menus.
Their waiter Osama walks over.
OSAMA Hello—I am your waiter Osama. What can I get you, you son of a bitch American infidels.
ANITA I’ll have the Adolph Hitler Veggie Burger.
OSAMA And do you want the cow beheaded or electrocuted?
ANITA Cow? I ordered a veggie burger.
OSAMA I know. The Adolph Hitler Veggie Burger contains beef.
ANITA Oh. Um... (studies her menu) ...then I’ll have the Mussolini Macaroni with Marinara sauce.
OSAMA And to drink?
ANITA (studying her menu) Um... The OJ Simpson OJ.
He turns to Tony.
OSAMA How ‘bout you, you piece of poo.
TONY Yeah, I'll have the fucking Kim Jong Il Kimchi, the Ayatollah Khomeini Khoresht, the Barbra Streisand Bagel and Lox, and the one dollar shake.
OSAMA ... It’s the five dollar shake.
Tony takes out his gun and points it at Osama.
TONY It’s the one dollar shake.
OSAMA (backing off, agreeing) OK -- it’s the one dollar shake.
Osama walks away. Tony takes out a huge sack of cocaine, pours some of its contents onto the table, and snorts up some of it.
TONY Feel free to help yourself.
ANITA Thanks.
Anita snorts some.
TONY So—I heard you did a pilot.
ANITA Yeah. And would you believe he took me to the restroom? He wouldn’t even let me anywhere near his cockpit.
TONY ... No—I meant I heard you starred in a TV pilot.
ANITA Oh. ... Yeah. That was my fifteen minutes. ... Well—thirty minutes. Minus commercials.
TONY What was the show about? Pilots?
ANITA Actually... yes. It was about a Cuban pilot who married a redheaded American stewardess.
TONY Were you the stewardess?
ANITA Uh... to be honest, I don’t really remember. I was pretty high at the time.
TONY OK. Enough about you. Let’s talk about me.
ANITA OK. ... Uh—my husband tells me you kill people and deal drugs.
TONY Well. I prefer to say I’m in non-life solutions and coca derivative distribution.
ANITA Well, I’d prefer to say I’m in gluteus couch relations and high grade stimulant absorption—but that doesn’t change the fact that I sit around all day doing coke.
TONY Touche.
ANITA So, I suppose you’re part of the Cuban crime wave.
TONY Indeed I am.
ANITA Why’d you leave Cuba?
TONY Well—we have a saying where I’m from: “Vamos al bano, sony o sanyo.”
ANITA What does that mean?
TONY “Cuba is a fucking shithole.” ... But, I will admit, I do miss some things about Cuba. Some of the little things.
ANITA Like what?
TONY Well, for example—in America, people jack off like this...
He makes a masturbation motion in the air.
TONY ...but in Cuba, they jack off like this.
He flips his hand over an makes an overhand masturbation motion.
Osama walks over to the table with Tony’s shake and Anita’s orange juice. He puts them on the table.
Tony looks at his drink suspiciously.
TONY (to Osama) Did you fucking spit in this?
OSAMA Mr. Infidel—I swear to God, I did not piss in your shake.
TONY ... Who said anything about pissing in it?
Tony looks Osama in the eyes Osama looks back at Tony. Tony suddenly rises from his seat, pulls a handgun out of his pocket, and shoots Osama in the stomach three times. He then sits down and casually continues his conversation with Anita.
TONY So uh... how’s your drink?
INT. CUBAN STREET - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
TONY 16 and a male FRIEND are playing a game of Cubilete (Latin American Yahtzee). They spot an attractive 17 year old WOMAN walking with a handsome well-dressed 20 year old MAN.
TONY 16 (to his Friend) Ay dios mio. Look at that girl.
The Friend looks at her.
TONY 16 Man, would I like to put my Cuban in her humidor.
FRIEND ... Tony—that’s my sister.
TONY 16 Oh yeah. ... Well, when I said put my Cuban in her humidor, I meant, uh, put a wedding ring on her finger. ... Look at that guy she’s with. What’s he got that I don’t got?
FRIEND Well—it starts with a D and ends in an O.
TONY 16 ... He has a dildo?
FRIEND No. ... Dinero. ... Money.
TONY 16 Well—how did he get all that money?
FRIEND Hey—you know how it is here. You’re not gonna get rich curing cancer or painting the Mona Lisa.
TONY 16 Well how about if I paint Mona Lisa curing cancer?
FRIEND No—that’s not cut it either. There’s only one way to make big money here—and it starts with a C and ends in an E.
TONY 16 ... But who are supposed to circumcise?
FRIEND No—not circumcise. Crime.
INT. DINER - NIGHT
A couple of new DETECTIVES are examining the crime scene.
They look at Osama’s dead body.
DETECTIVE 1 Well. ... Looks like a suicide bombing went wrong.
INT. / EXT. TONY’S CAR - DAY
Tony is driving alone. He spots something.
TONY I don’t fucking believe this.
DICKY (Cuban, early fifties) is standing on the sidewalk, offering bags of oranges for sale. Tony pulls over by him. He walks over to Tony’s car. He looks at Tony with a surprised expression on his face.
DICKY Tony?!
EXT. STREET - DAY (MOMENTS LATER)
Tony’s car is parked on the street. He is standing on the sidewalk, having a conversation with Dicky.
TONY So what are you doing here? What happened to your new wife?
DICKY I found out she was sleeping with our neighbor. ... And his wife! ... And our baby-sitter!
TONY What about your job at the nightclub?
DICKY Well, I started drinking, and one thing led to another—and let’s just say I’m banned from the New York nightclub scene for banging every nightclub owner's wife from Albany to Yonkers. (Long pause) Look Tony. I know I haven’t been the best father in the past. But now that fate has given me this opportunity to be in your life again, I want to make the best of it.
TONY Yeah—you already had a million fucking opportunities, and you blew them all. You weren’t there for my first tap dance recital, my first assassination, my first coke deal, my bar-mitzvah.
DICKY Tony—we’re not Jewish.
TONY ... Anyways, the point is, I hardly even know you—and now that you see me driving by in my fly ride, you suddenly decide you want to be part of my life.
DICKY Well... that pretty much sums it up.
TONY Fuck that, man.
INT. TEXTILE STORE - DAY
Close Up on Tony
TONY They tell me you buy from McLaugherty.
Close Up on OWNER
OWNER Yeah.
TONY Well—not anymore. From now on you buy from us. Five keys a month.
OWNER Five keys?
TONY Yeah.
OWNER Um... there seems to be some confusion here.
Pan Out to reveal the textile store.
OWNER I’m in the textile business.
Tony pulls out a gun and points it at the Owner.
TONY Hey! I don’t give a fuck what business you’re in! From now, you buy five keys a month!
OWNER (scared) OK, OK.
INT. SMALL CUBAN HOME - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
Tony 16 walks into the home and is met by his Mother.
MOTHER (angry, concerned) What’s going on Tony?!
TONY 16 What do you mean?
MOTHER You’re a pickpocket!
TONY 16 What? What ever gave you that idea?
Zoom out to reveal a huge pile of wallets.
MOTHER Um—the two hundred wallets in the middle of our living room.
TONY 16 What—that? No—I’m in the used wallet business.
MOTHER Yeah—I’ll bet.
TONY 16 Well suppose I am a pickpocket. What’s the big deal? I mean, it’s a victimless crime. No one gets hurt.
MOTHER What about the people you steal from?
TONY 16 Well... besides them.
MOTHER ... Do you know where you’re headed Tony?
TONY 16 Well, I was planning to use the bathroom once you finished lecturing me.
MOTHER No—I mean do you know where you’re headed in life?!
TONY 16 ... Can you give me a clue?
MOTHER OK. ... You’ll be living in a small piss-infested cell, you’ll be eating beans and rice three times a day, and you won’t be able to so much as scratch your ass without getting someone’s permission.
TONY 16 But mamma—I’m already in Cuba.
MOTHER No—not Cuba! Prison!
INT. GOLDY’S HOME - DAY
Goldy is standing near his doorway talking to a person that has yet to be revealed to us.
GOLDY I’m telling you—that doo-doo head Dakota’s out of control. He doesn’t listen to me anymore. He’s out there making moves on his own, like he’s running the joint! From now on, I’m watching him like a hawk!
The camera pans out to reveal a young GIRL SCOUT standing outside Goldy’s open front door.
GIRL SCOUT ... So do you want buy any cookies or not?
GOLDY No! ... Now get lost!
The Girl Scout walks away.
Goldy closes his front door, takes a cell phone out of his pocket, and dials a number.
GOLDY (into phone) Yeah—I want you to stake out Dakota. ... What do you mean north or south? ... No—not the state. The person—Tony Dakota. ... Yeah. ... Yeah. ... OK.
INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE - DAY
Tony is sitting across from a PSYCHIATRIST.
PSYCHIATRIST ... And so Tony, based on what you’ve been telling me about yourself, such as your belief that it’s bad luck to kill people during the last ten minutes of an hour, your ritual-like recitation of scripture before each of your killings, and your habit of snorting coke lines in multiples of three, I think you’re suffering from a case of OOCCDD, or Oddball Obsessive Compulsive Coke Dealer’s Disorder.
TONY (Pointing his finger, with a tone and facial expression that seem to indicate he is impressed) You, you... (his expression and tone suddenly turn to anger) ... You fucked up! OOCCDD—that’s not what I have!
PSYCHIATRIST Tony—if you just...
TONY (interrupting) No. You fucked up!
Tony takes out a pistol and points it at the Psychiatrist.
TONY And now I’m canceling your fucking contract.
PSYCHIATRIST Tony—wait a second. I have a couple of great alternate theories. One has to do with your father, and...
TONY Shut the fuck up!
Tony pulls his watch out of his butt. It read 2:59. He calms down and rests the gun on his lap.
TONY So uh... you know what they call a Big Mac in Cuba?
PSYCHIATRIST ... They have McDonald’s in Cuba?
TONY ... No. ... Um... are you married?
PSYCHIATRIST Uh... yeah.
TONY Do you have life insurance?
PSYCHIATRIST Yeah.
TONY Good, good. So uh, I guess your death would actually help those you love most.
PSYCHIATRIST Tony—what you’re doing right now is what we call rationalization. You...
Tony glances at his watch again.
TONY Oh—I’m sorry, but looks like you’re out of time. ... But don’t worry—we’ll be able to finish this session in the fucking afterlife.
He points his gun at the Psychiatrist.
TONY (meanly) Do unto others, as you’d have them do unto you.
Tony fires three bullets into the Psychiatrist’s body.
INT. GOLDY’S OFFICE - DAY
Goldy is seated at his desk. His ASSISTANT (male, early thirties, tall) is standing across from him.
GOLDY OK. So give me the rundown. What did he do yesterday.
The Assistant takes a piece of paper out of his pocket, unfolds it, and begins reading.
ASSISTANT He got up. He snorted some coke. He did some push ups and sit ups. He snorted some coke. He showered, dressed, and ate breakfast. He snorted some coke. He left the house and got into his car. He had a meeting with Cain Cocaininose. He sold him some coke. He went to the Deli. He ordered a pastrami sandwich. He got into an argument with some guy who works there over how much pastrami was supposed to be in his sandwich. He went to the library. He read the Bible. He got into an argument with the librarian over the Dewey Decimal System. He went to see a psychiatrist. He shot the psychiatrist. He drove home. He worked on a painting of a piece of gold in a toilet. He snorted some coke. (quickly, looking down and partly covering his mouth, as if he is trying to sneak the next item past Goldy) He had sex with your wife. (back to normal tone, speed, volume, and body language) He snorted some coke. And he went to sleep.
GOLDY Hold up, hold up. Go back a couple of items.
ASSISTANT Uh—he snorted some coke?
GOLDY No—before that.
ASSISTANT He snorted some coke?
GOLDY No—after that.
ASSISTANT ... He had sex with your wife.
Goldy looks furious. Seconds later, there is a knock on the door.
GOLDY Who the fuck is that?!
The Assistant walks over to the door and looks through the peephole.
ASSISTANT It’s Bill Bullshitstein.
GOLDY ... Send that motherfucker in!
The Assistant opens the door to reveal BILL (age 50, Jewish). Bill walks into the office. He looks at Goldy and says:
BILL Goldy. I thought about what you said, and, you know, my deli’s been in my family for decades, and it’s quite a moneymaker, but I’d be willing to let it go for three hundred thousand dollars.
Goldy stares at him with a mean look on his face.
BILL ... OK. Two hundred fifty thousand. But that’s as low as I’ll go.
Goldy still looks pissed.
BILL ... OK. Two hundred thousand. But you’re killing me here! You’re killing me!
Goldy’s expression remains the same Bill walks towards the door and says:
BILL OK. I already have a foot out the door. One hundred ninety thousand, and that’s it. I can’t go a penny lower. I mean, it’s pulling in three Gs a month.
Goldy still looks like he is about to rip off Bill’s head.
BILL ... Two Gs?
GOLDY ... You know, word on the street is, you take care of problems. And by “take care of problems,” I mean “kill people.”
Bill walks back to Frank’s desk.
BILL ... Well, between me and you, I have a stable of some of the finest hitmen in Miami. And rest assured, all of our hits are one hundred percent Glatt Kosher.
Goldy gives him another ice cold stare.
BILL ... OK, maybe they’re not a hundred percent Glatt Kosher -- but we never boil our victims in their mother’s milk.
GOLDY ... Well... it just so happens I’m in the market for a new hitman. And I already have a first assignment: ... Kill... Rigatoni... Dakota!
INT. SMALL CUBAN HOME - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
TONY 18 walks into the house and is met by his Mother.
TONY’S MOTHER (angry, concerned) Where have you been?!
TONY 18 Uh... I was at church.
TONY’S MOTHER At twelve thirty AM?
TONY 18 Hey—the devil never takes a break.
TONY’S MOTHER … You think I don’t know what’s going on?! You think I don’t know you’re a career criminal?! You think I don’t know four plus four equals a number greater than four?! You think I don’t know you hang out with that no good Masturbar Mucho?!
TONY 18 Hey—he’s a nice guy.
TONY’S MOTHER He robs tourists for a living!
TONY 18 Yeah—but he feels real bad about it afterwards.
TONY’S MOTHER ... Why can’t you be more like your brother? ... Ughhh. I can just see it now. I’ll have one son on the police force, and another son in prison.
TONY 18 ... Which one will I be?
TONY’S MOTHER The one in prison!
INT. STUDIO ROOM - EARLY EVENING
Dicky is finishing up a performance of “Santiago Chile” in front of a couple of MEN and Tony.
DICKY (Singing and playing the guitar) De Santiago Chile / De Santiago Chile / De Santiago Chile / Te Chile Ooooh
MAN 1 (to Man 2 & Tony) Yup—he’s everything you guys said. (to Dicky) Mr. Dakota—I’ll have the contract worked up today, and you can be performing for us within a few days.
He shakes Dicky’s hand, and he and Man 2 leave the room. Dicky turns to Tony and says:
DICKY Tony. After everything I’ve done to you over the years, why did you help me out like this?
TONY Well, it’s like they say in my country: “Mis huevos son muchos rancheros, Jennifer Lopez para bailar La Bamba.” ... ... Don’t you want to know what that means?
DICKY Tony—I know what it means. I’m from your country.
TONY Oh. ... Well, I’ll translate it anyways. “If a superior person is unwilling to help out a piece of shit in need, he’s not really superior person.” ... By the way, I’m the superior person in this equation.
DICKY (somewhat annoyed) Yeah—I figured you were.
TONY ... And you’re the piece of shit.
DICKY (annoyed) Yeah, yeah—I get it.
INT. LOBBY - EARLY EVENING
Tony walks into a Men’s Restroom.
A HITMAN (Jewish, late 20s) covertly watches from several yards away. After a few seconds, he walks into the Restroom.
INT. MEN’S RESTROOM - EARLY EVENING (CONT.)
Tony is standing at a urinal. The Hitman slowly walks towards Tony’s back. He makes his way behind Tony and reaches for a handgun. As he does this, Dicky walks into the Men’s Room and sees the Hitman and his gun.
(In Slow Motion)
Dicky yells out to Tony.
DICKY Tony! Turn around!
Tony turns, sees the Hitman and his gun, grabs his wrist, and pulls his shooting arm up and away. As he does this, the Hitman pulls the trigger, sending a bullet in Dicky’s direction. The bullet hits Dicky. He yells “Ah”, and falls to the floor.
Tony and the Hitman struggle for the gun that is still in the Hitman’s hand. Dicky gets up, runs over, and punches the Hitman in the face, sending him to the floor, and allowing Tony to pry the gun from his hand.
(End Slow Motion)
Tony points the gun at the fallen Hitman, and with his eyes on the Hitman, says to Dicky:
TONY Are you alright?
HITMAN I think my jaw’s hurt—but other than that, I’m OK.
Tony points/tilts his head towards Dicky.
TONY I was talking to him!
HITMAN Then why were you looking at me?
TONY ‘Cause I’m pointing a fucking gun at you! ... Dicky, are you alright?
DICKY I’m fine. The bullet barely grazed my arm. ... Uh Tony—your fly’s open... (clears his throat, leans in to Tony, and speaks in a loud whisper) ...and your schmeckle is hanging out.
Tony closes his zipper with his free hand.
TONY So I suppose you’re a hitman.
HITMAN Yeah.
TONY You want a job?
HITMAN Uh... sure.
TONY How much do you charge per hit?
HITMAN Ten to forty Gs.
TONY And how much for you to hit yourself?
HITMAN Well... that sounds pretty simple. ... Ten Gs.
TONY OK.
Tony pulls five thousand dollars cash out of his pocket and throws it and his gun at the Hitman.
TONY Here’s five. I’ll give you the rest when you finish the job.
HITMAN OK.
TONY (to Dicky) Let’s go.
Tony and Dicky walk out of the Restroom...
INT. LOBBY - EARLY EVENING (CONT.)
...and back into the Lobby. Seconds later, they hear a single gunshot from the Bathroom.
TONY That fucking dumbass. The second he comes to collect the other five, I’m gonna pop a cap in his ass.
EXT. STREET PAYPHONE - NIGHT
Tony is using a street payphone.
He inserts a quarter into the slot and dials a number.
TONY (imitating the Hitman) Yeah—we got him. He’s finished. ... Uh... sorry. Wrong number.
He hangs up the phone He then glances down at a piece of paper that reads “People Who Might Want to Kill Me” on top, and contains a list underneath with the following names: Groucho Diaz, Harpo Diaz, Chico Diaz, Al Pacino, Brian De Palma, Oliver Stone, Armitage Trail, Masturbar, OJ, Hamza bin Laden, Goldy, Leonard Maltin, Castro, Barbra Streisand, Mamma, Emilio Rebenga Sr., Jack Valenti, Nancy Reagan, Bugs Moran, Marsellus Wallace, Benny Blanco, Beverly D’Angelo, and Johnny Lovo. He crosses off one of the names, and then picks up the phone, inserts a quarter, and dials another number.
TONY (imitating the Hitman) Yeah—we got him. He’s finished. ... Uh... sorry. Wrong number.
He hangs up the phone and crosses off another name. He pulls his pocket watch out of his butt. It reads 7:43.
EXT. STREET PAYPHONE - NIGHT
Tony’s watch now reads 7:50.
He puts another quarter in the payphone and dials a number.
TONY (imitating the Hitman) Yeah—we got him. He’s finished. ... Uh... sorry. Wrong number.
He hangs up the phone and takes out his list, which now has about ten names crossed out. He crosses out another name, puts another quarter into the phone, and dials another number.
TONY (imitating the Hitman) Yeah—we got him. He’s finished. ... OK. ... OK. ... I’ll tell him.
He hangs up with a furious look on his face.
TONY Goldy!
INT. GOLDY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
Goldy is sitting at his desk. Masturbar and Tony walk into the office with guns in hand. Goldy looks bewildered.
TONY Of all the cocaine operations, in all the towns, in all the world, I had to walk into yours.
GOLDY Tony. ... What are you doing here?
TONY Oh—I just felt like dropping by.
GOLDY Uh... What's with the gun, Tony?
TONY Oh, nothing. I'm just taking advantage of my second amendment rights.
A cell phone on a table rings. Tony immediately takes aim and fires several bullets at it. He turns to Goldy.
TONY Someone in this room fucked up. ... Guess who?
GOLDY ... You?
TONY No.
GOLDY ... Masturbar?
TONY No.
GOLDY ... You?
TONY You already said that!
Tony points the gun at Goldy.
GOLDY Tony! You’ve got me all wrong! It’s that time of the month for you—you’re not thinking straight! Whatever you think I did—I didn’t do it!
A (land line) phone rings a few times. Tony looks at it The answering machine picks up.
Music from a Jewish folk song plays in the background, while the greeting plays:
GOLDY (ANSWERING MACHINE) You’ve reached Goldy Goldenberg Goldenstein. Please leave a message after the beep.
The machine beeps.
BILL (ANSWERING MACHINE) Yeah, Goldy. Are you there? I tried calling you on your cell. Anyways, I got some bad news: we weren’t able to take care of Dakota. But don’t worry—we’ll finish the job ASAP. Although we can’t do it tomorrow, it being the Sabbath and all. And Sunday’s out, too. We’re having our annual employee picnic. So uh, give me a call and we’ll sort everything out.
The message ends. Tony looks at Goldy.
GOLDY What? ... Oh—you must think he was talking about killing you. Oh—what a misunderstanding! No—that was a babysitting service. That guy was just talking about taking care of my illegitimate child Dakota. She lives up in, uh, Montana.
The phone rings again. The answering machine picks up.
GOLDY (ANSWERING MACHINE) You’ve reached Goldy Goldenberg Goldenstein. Please leave a message after the beep.
The machine beeps.
BILL (ANSWERING MACHINE) Yeah—I just realized that last message was kind of vague. Just to be totally clear, when I said “take care of Dakota,” I meant “kill Rigatoni Dakota.” The guy you called a dirty rat motherfucker the other day. ... OK. So uh—I’ll talk to you later. ... Unless, of course, Tony’s in your office right now, about to blow your fucking brains out. ... And if that’s the case, I’d just like to say, I’ve always hated you, and I think you’re a complete piece of shit. ... And if that isn’t the case, I’d like to wish you and your lovely wife a Happy Passover. ... OK. Bye.
The caller hangs up, and the machine stops recording. Tony looks at Goldy.
TONY You know, almost getting shot today was quite an experience for me. It made me think of a an old Cuban saying: Dos Equis que Don Quixote, Bucanero Tecate tu Toyota.
GOLDY What does that mean?
TONY There are two certainties in life: taxes, and death by murder. ... That reminds me: I’ve got some good news, and some bad news.
GOLDY What’s the good news?
TONY The good news is, you’re never gonna have to pay taxes again in your life.
GOLDY What’s the bad news?
Tony fires three bullets into Goldy, instantly killing him.
TONY The bad news is, you’re fucking dead.
MONTAGE to James Brown’s “Living in America"
INT. ROOM - DAY
Tony and Masturbar are standing near a table. A money counting machine on the table is counting hundred dollar Monopoly bills.
INT. TONY’S APARTMENT - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar are dancing in tandem to the montage’s music.
INT. DINER - NIGHT
Tony and Anita are seated at a table in the same diner from a previous scene.
EXT. DECK SHUFFLEBOARD COURT (CONT.)
Tony is playing shuffleboard with various SENIOR CITIZENS.
He pushes the disc with his shuffleboard stick.
It slides into the ten point zone.
INT. TONY’S APARTMENT - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar continue dancing.
INT. DINER - NIGHT (CONT.)
Kim Jong Il is taking Tony’s order.
Tony pauses, and, with a vicious look on his face, suddenly springs up, grabs the back of Kim’s head, and slams it into the table.
EXT. BANK - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar lead a number of MEN carrying large stuffed laundry bags in front of a bank.
INT. BEDROOM - DAY (CONT.)
Tony, dressed in combat gear and holding a machine gun, opens a closet to reveal a six year old ELIAN GONZALEZ knockoff standing alongside a 35 year old MAN.
Tony points his gun at the two of them while Elian cries hysterically.
EXT. ZOO - DAY (CONT.)
Tony walks among a group of flamingos while Anita watches.
INT. ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
Tony is playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out on a Nintendo NES system and 80s style television.
EXT. BANK / LAUNDROMAT - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar lead the Men past the bank and into a Laundromat.
INT. CLUB - DAY
Tony, dressed in an 80s James-Brown-ish outfit, is dancing with Anita while other CLUBGOERS watch.
INT. ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar are standing near a table while a money counting machine flips through five hundred dollar Monopoly bills.
INT. WEDDING CEREMONY ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
Groom Tony and bride Anita are being married by a MINISTER while various WEDDING GUESTS watch on.
EXT. TONY’S HOME -DAY
A WOMAN and a group of young TRICK OR TREATERS are standing by the front door.
Tony opens it, grabs a few Cuban cigars out of a container, and puts one of them in each of their bags.
INT. TONY’S APARTMENT - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar continue dancing.
INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY (CONT.)
Tony, Masturbar, and the other Men load dirty laundry out of their bags and into a few washing machines.
EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY (CONT.)
Tony is playing double dutch with two LITTLE GIRLS.
INT. WEDDING CEREMONY ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
Tony puts a wedding ring on Anita's finger.
They share a romantic gaze into each other’s eyes.
INT. ROOM - DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Masturbar are standing over the same table, watching the same money counting machine flip through one million dollar Monopoly (Here and Now Edition) bills.
EXT. LARGE LUXURY SHIP – DAY (CONT.)
Tony and Anita are in the midst of a romantic kiss.
END MONTAGE
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY
Tony is up to bowl, while Masturbar is seated in the area adjacent to his lane. Tony bowls his ball. It knocks nine pins down, leaving one in the back left corner. Tony takes a handgun out of his pocket, aims towards the remaining pin, and shoots it down. He puts his gun away. He walks back towards Masturbar, and sits down. Masturbar gets up and grabs a ball.
He walks up to bowl, makes his way towards the lane, and bowls his ball. It goes into the gutter He grabs a machine gun off of the floor, points it towards the pins, and guns them all down. He walks back. Seconds later, COPY COPPERSON (age 50, white) walks up to them.
COPY Well—if it isn’t Tony Dakota and his good friend Masturbar Mucho.
TONY ... Who the fuck are you?
COPY Copy Copperson. US Narcotics officer. And I think we need to have a talk.
Tony gets up.
TONY And what if I don’t feel like talking?
COPY Well, if you don’t talk to me now, odds are you’ll be in a jail cell next year, getting ass-raped by a three hundred pound man named Antoine. ... Now—let me get right to the point. I know everything. Goldy Goldenberg Goldenstein, a psychiatrist who shot himself three times without a gun, a waiter who spit in the wrong man’s drink, and a guy who didn’t get to finish his quarter pounder with cheese. ... But, uh—there is something that can make me look the other way.
TONY ... Oh yeah? ... What?
COPY Well—it starts with an M and ends in a Y.
TONY Well—how many games of Monopoly are we talking about?
COPY No—not Monopoly. ... Money.
TONY ... OK. How much money are we talking about?
COPY Twenty thousand. ... A day.
TONY Are you serious?
COPY Bullshit, man! ... Uh... I mean... oh yeah. I’m serious.
EXT. COPY’S HOME - NIGHT (LATER)
Copy unlocks the door to his home, opens it, and walks in.
INT. COPY’S HOME - NIGHT (CONT.)
Copy flicks on the lights. He walks to his den, flicks on the den lights, and sees Tony and Masturbar standing in the middle of the room holding guns. Copy stares at them in silence for several seconds.
TONY I bet you’re wondering why I’m here. ... I’ll give you a clue. It has something to do with the bullets in this gun, and the vital organs in your body.
COPY Tony. You can’t do this. You’ll get caught!
TONY Caught?! Have you been watching this fucking movie?! I’ve been killing people left and right ever since I got to Miami, and I haven’t even made a fucking suspect list.
COPY Good point.
Tony points his gun at Copy.
TONY Go to hell. Go directly to hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect twenty thousand dollars.
He fires three bullets into Copy’s body.
INT. TONY’S CAR / EXT. STREET - DAY
Tony is driving and talking on his cell phone. Anita is in the front passenger seat.
TONY Yeah—you fucking tell that motherfucker that if he doesn’t fucking finish the fucking job by Friday, I’m gonna fucking take a fucking kitchen knife and fucking stab his motherfucking heart so many fucking times that even after he fucking dies, he’s still gonna be fucking feeling it in the motherfucking afterlife! ... Yeah ... I love you too. ... OK. ... Bye grandma.
Tony flips closed the phone.
TONY (to Anita) Fucking contractors, man. They’ll take ten years to do a one week job, unless you put a fucking gun to their heads.
ANITA (annoyed) God Tony. Do you really need to use the word “fuck” so much?
TONY ... Why the fuck shouldn’t I? It’s not like we’re going for a fucking PG-13 rating.
A car honks at Tony.
TONY (to the DRIVER) Hey—fuck you, man!
INT. CUBAN COURTROOM - NIGHT (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
Tony 18 is on the witness stand in a small courtroom. A JUDGE and a few other PEOPLE are present.
JUDGE Rigatoni Dakota, you’ve been charged with possession of unlicensed beef. How do you plead?
TONY 18 Not guilty.
JUDGE ... OK. I find you guilty of all charges, and sentence you to five years in prison.
TONY 18 Shouldn’t I get a chance to defend myself?
JUDGE (sighs) OK. Did you in fact possess unlicensed beef?
TONY 18 No. I was simply...
JUDGE OK—the defense rests. I find you guilty of all charges.
TONY 18 Wait a second! Shouldn't I get a jury vote?
JUDGE Fine!
He turns to twelve JURORS sitting in a jury box.
JUDGE If you think he’s guilty, raise your hand.
Eleven of the twelve jurors raise their hands. The Judge takes out a rifle and shoots the Juror with his hand down.
JUDGE OK—it’s unanimous.
EXT. RICO'S HOME / FACTORY - DAY
SUPERIMPOSE: BOLIVIA
Tony is standing near RICO, a tall Hispanic man wearing a “Just Say No To Drugs” T-shirt.
RICO We got a lot of cocaine here. And we use it for everything. ... (touches his hair) Look at my hair. You like it?
TONY Yeah, man.
RICO I wash it with pure cocaine. ... And see that lady over there?
A WOMAN is holding up a compact and applying blush to her face.
RICO That blush she’s using is pure cocaine. ... And look at my wife...
Rico’s WIFE is changing her BABY’s diaper, and pouring powder out of bottle onto the baby’s butt.
RICO That’s not baby powder—that’s pure cocaine. ... And see those Indians salting fish?
Several INDIANS are salting fish.
TONY Are they using cocaine?
RICO No—they’re using salt. What, do you think we’re crazy or something, using cocaine to salt fish? ... Anyways, let’s talk price. If you buy in quantity, I can sell for as little as seventeen hundred a key.
TONY ... Well, I’d still have to move the stuff, and that's a lot of risk. I mean, it’s like they say: “A bird in the hand isn’t a chicken until its eggs have hatched.” (thinks for a moment) ... Wait a second—that’s not it. ... Ah. “Don’t count your chickens ‘til you have two in the bush.” ... No—that’s not it either. ... Anyways, the point is, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to transport the stuff to Miami. ... Wait a second. I got it. “A bird in the hand is worth two chickens and one bush.”
RICO Well, what do you suggest we do?
TONY How about we split the risk: you deliver to Africa, and I’ll take it from there.
RICO Africa? That’s not even between Bolivia and Miami.
TONY That's the beauty of it: no one will ever expect it.
RICO ... Well, if I got to deliver the stuff to Africa, I'm upping my price to seven five a key.
TONY Seven five a key? You must be high!
RICO Of course I’m high. I’m always high. .... Uh... What were we talking about?
TONY The price.
RICO Right. ... What do you suggest?
TONY How about five Gs per key? Delivered to Africa.
RICO That sounds good. I’ll take a hundred thousand keys.
TONY Wait a second! You’re the seller! I’m the buyer.
RICO Oh. ... Well then, I can’t go under seven thousand.
TONY That’s too much.
RICO Come on Rico, I have kids to feed.
TONY Wait a second. You’re Rico. I’m Tony.
RICO Well, let’s not get into who’s who right now. Let’s just agree on a price first.
TONY How about six five?
RICO ... OK. ... Deal. ... But only because I like you.
EXT. SMALL HOME - DAY
Tony walks up to a small house and rings the doorbell. Seconds later, Tony’s Mother opens the door. She slaps him in the face.
TONY’S MOTHER What the hell do you want! Didn’t I tell you to stay away from me?!
TONY I just want you to be part of my life.
TONY’S MOTHER You want me to be part for your life? Like that’s going to happen.
TONY ... There’s a hundred thousand dollars in it for you.
TONY’S MOTHER ... ... A hundred thousand dollars?
He picks up a briefcase and opens it to reveal several stacks of hundred dollar bills. A few seconds pass.
TONY’S MOTHER (cheerful / friendly) Tony! It’s so good to see you! Please—come in!
Tony walks into her home.
INT. CUBAN PRISON - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
A PRISON GUARD throws Tony 18 into a cell with a mean looking 40 year old CONVICT. The Guard closes the cell and walks away.
CONVICT I suppose you’re my new boyfriend.
TONY 18 Boyfriend? No—I’m your new cellmate.
CONVICT Same thing! ... So—how long are you in for?
TONY 18 Five years.
CONVICT So... Let’s see. If I have sex with you two times a day, that will be three thousand six hundred and fifty two times total. Or eighteen hundred twenty six with good behavior.
TONY 18 Good behavior? What do I look like—Mother Teresa?
CONVICT Tough guy—huh? Well, let me tell you something, shithead—I’m the boss here! You’ll do what I say, or take a knife in the throat!
TONY 18 (calmly) ... OK.
INT. CUBAN PRISON - DAY (THE NEXT MORNING) (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
A GUARD walks by Tony’s cell and discovers the Convict’s dead body on all fours with his head in the toilet. He looks at Tony.
GUARD What happened?
TONY 18 What do you mean what happened? Isn’t it obvious? He was drinking out of the toilet, and he fell asleep.
INT. TONY’S DEN - NIGHT
Tony and Anita are sitting on a couch in front of a TV. Tony is working on a variation of American Gothic featuring a cigar-smoking Tony as the man, Anita as the woman, and a machine gun in place of the pitchfork. Anita is reading a Fidel Castro Biography. Tony puts his paintbrush down, and then leans in towards Anita and begins kissing her. Anita pulls back a bit and hardly even looks away from her book as she says:
ANITA I’m not in the mood right now. Maybe later.
She continues reading her book.
Tony makes a “Oh well –off to plan B” type expression, puts his left hand in his pants, and begins masturbating. A few seconds later, Anita notices the noise Tony’s masturbation motion is making.
She looks towards him and sees his hand moving up and down under his pants.
ANITA What are you doing?
Tony stops stroking and responds very “matter of fact”-ly
TONY ... I’m jacking off.
ANITA For God’s sake, Tony. We’re a married couple. I will not have you servicing yourself like that.
TONY Hey, if you’re not gonna give it up to me, I’m gonna have to defragment my hard drive every once in a while.
ANITA What are you talking about? We just had sex two hours ago.
TONY Hey—that was anal sex! That doesn’t count!
ANITA Doesn’t count my ass! It counts double!
TONY Well, apparently we have a difference of opinion on the matter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the middle of something.
He continues masturbating.
ANITA (annoyed / angry / upset / disgusted with Tony) Ughh.
She gets up and walks out.
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Tony is on the witness stand.
TONY Cocaine? I don’t have anything to do with cocaine. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know what cocaine is. ... Is it some kind of a car part?
The camera reveals an average sized courtroom. A JUDGE, PROSECUTOR, DEFENSE ATTORNEY, BAILIFF, JURY, and 10-20 OTHER PEOPLE are on hand.
PROSECUTOR (confused) Uh... Mr. Dakota. I haven’t asked you any questions yet.
TONY Oh ... Well... ask away.
PROSECUTOR Mr. Dakota. Do you know a Rico Fukmeeko of La Paz, Bolivia?
TONY Never heard of him.
PROSECUTOR What about an Anita Hardkok of Miami, Florida?
TONY I have no idea who that is.
PROSECUTOR But... she’s your wife.
TONY Well... I still never heard of her.
PROSECUTOR (skeptical) Mr. Dakota...
TONY I don’t know any Mr. Dakota. I never heard of the guy.
PROSECUTOR ... Sir... you are Mr. Dakota.
TONY Well—that might be so. I’m not sure. I’ll have to check my records.
PROSECUTOR Mr. Dakota. May I remind you that you’re under oath?
TONY Are you calling me a liar?
PROSECUTOR Uh... not exactly.
TONY May I remind you that you’re under oath?
PROSECUTOR Uh... Well, maybe I was implying... uh ... wait a second here! I’m not the one being questioned!
TONY And why’s that? Do you have something to hide?!
PROSECUTOR (to Judge) Your honor. Help me out here.
JUDGE Mr. Dakota. Just answer the questions.
PROSECUTOR Thank you your honor. (turns to Tony) Mr. Dakota. On your last five years worth of tax returns, you reported a combined net income of thirteen dollars and twenty two cents—and yet, last week, a police officer found ten million dollars cash in your car trunk.
TONY ... I’m not quite sure where you’re going with this.
PROSECUTOR Where did you get the money?
TONY Uh—I was holding it for a friend.
PROSECUTOR Who?
TONY Uh... Bill Gates?
PROSECUTOR And if we called Bill Gates, I suppose he’d confirm your story.
TONY ... ... Wait. Which Bill Gates are you talking about?
PROSECUTOR What do you mean which Bill Gates am I talking about? I’m talking about Bill Gates of Seattle—the software tycoon.
TONY Oh. ... Well I was talking about Bill Gates of Cuba—the coffee farmer.
PROSECUTOR ... ... OK. So if we called Bill Gates of Cuba, he’d confirm your story.
TONY Call him? ... No—that’s not possible.
PROSECUTOR Why? Doesn’t he have a phone?
TONY He’s dead. Castro killed him.
PROSECUTOR ... Mr. Dakota...
TONY He’s dead too.
PROSECUTOR (Aggravated) ...For the last time, you are Mr. Dakota!
TONY Well. ... Allegedly.
PROSECUTOR (to the Judge) Your honor. I’d like to be removed from this case and permanently disbarred.
TONY Checkmate.
INT. TONY'S LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING
TONY We gotta get rid of that fucking guy. He knows too much.
MASTURBAR Wait. ... What guy?
TONY Our head of distribution.
MASTURBAR But... you’re our head of distribution.
TONY Yeah—I know.
MASTURBAR So... you wanna get rid of yourself?
TONY Yeah.
MASTURBAR But... you’re you.
TONY Hey—I don’t give a fuck who I am! I know too much!
MASTURBAR Tony. I don’t think you’re properly weighing the pros and cons here. I mean, the pro is you won’t be able to cross yourself. The con is you’ll be dead. That’s the worst con possible.
TONY ... Maybe you’re right. ... So—what are you doing tonight? You wanna go to that French restaurant?
MASTURBAR Um... I don’t think they’re gonna let us back in after that shit you did last time.
TONY (confused) ... How come we didn’t do that scene?
MASTURBAR I don’t know, man.
Tony walks towards a DIRECTOR standing near a camera, CAMERAMAN, and small CREW.
TONY Hey! Why aren’t we doing the restaurant scene?
The director turns to the Crew.
DIRECTOR (annoyed) Cut, cut.
He turns to Tony.
DIRECTOR Tony baby—we couldn’t fit it in.
TONY I think you’re making a huge mistake.
DIRECTOR Tony, there’s really nothing I can do about it. My hands are tied.
TONY Well—let me look at the script.
The Director hands Tony a script.
Tony looks through it and begins reading it. Something catches his attention.
TONY Are you responsible for all of this?
DIRECTOR ... Yeah.
TONY ... Just you?
DIRECTOR Well, me and the writer over there.
He points to the WRITER—a thirty year old man standing by a food table, eating an apple. Tony points to an open page in the script.
TONY (angrily) So you two are the ones who put that fucking Narcotics Officer on me?
DIRECTOR Tony baby, it was nothing personal—just part of the movie.
TONY Part of the fucking movie, huh? ... OK. Let me talk to you and the writer in private for a second. I want to run some ideas by you two.
DIRECTOR Uh—OK Tony.
Tony yells out to the Writer
TONY Hey screenwriter!
The Writer looks towards Tony.
TONY We’re having a creative meeting in my bathroom.
Tony leads them into his bathroom. He shuts the door. Moments later, we hear the sound of a running chainsaw. As the chainsaw continues to run, we hear the Director and Writer yell in agony.
The Movie Crew Members are staring towards the closed door with looks of uncertainty and fear.
Several seconds later, the noise of the chainsaw and the cries of the Writer and Director stop. Tony, drenched in blood, opens the door and walks out of the office alone.
The Movie Crew Members glance at Tony, and then look down and to the side and track him in the corners of their eyes as he makes his way from his office towards them. Tony turns to a random FILM CREW MEMBER.
TONY Hey—you want to be the new director?
FILM CREW MEMBER / NEW DIRECTOR Uh—sure.
INT. CUBAN PRISON - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
TONY 25 is sitting alone in a small prison cell. A GUARD escorts MASTURBAR 25 to the cell, opens the door, watches him walk in, and closes the door behind him.
TONY 25 Hey. How did you end up back here?
MASTURBAR 25 You know how it is, man. It’s all politics.
TONY 25 Politics? What do you mean?
MASTURBAR 25 Well—I had sex with the mayor’s daughter, and he dug up some dirt on me.
TONY 25 Oh.
MASTURBAR 25 What about you? I thought you were out?
TONY 25 Yeah—I was. But now I’m back in.
MASTURBAR 25 Well, how long were you out?
TONY 25 ... Nine hours.
MASTURBAR 25 Nine hours? What happened?
TONY 25 You know how it is, man. It’s all politics.
MASTURBAR 25 … The mayor’s daughter?
TONY 25 His wife.
INT. TONY’S HOME (HALL)
Anita walks through a hallway and up to a door. She opens the door...
INT. TONY’S HOME (BEDROOM) (CONT.)
...and discovers Tony having stand up doggy style sex with an attractive thirty-something WOMAN.
ANITA Tony!
TONY (casually) What?
ANITA How could you?!
TONY What are you talking about?
ANITA You’re having sex with another woman!
TONY What?
He leans to the side and looks at his sex partner. He then turns back to Anita and says:
TONY Anita—I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.
ANITA Oh really! Then what is your penis doing inside of her?
TONY I don’t know. She must have gotten onto the wrong penis.
ANITA Gotten onto the wrong penis?! What does that even mean?!
TONY ... You know, when you think about it, I’m the one who should be upset with you!
ANITA Oh yeah! And how do you figure that?
TONY There are a thousand possible explanations as to why my penis is in this woman, and you had to assume the worst!
ANITA (disgusted /annoyed) Ugghhh—I’m out of here.
Tony quickly cuts her off at the door.
TONY Wait.
She stops.
ANITA What.
Tony breaks an “In Case of Emergency Break Glass” box located on his bedroom wall, takes a ring box out of it, and hands it to Anita.
TONY I got you this.
She opens the box to reveal a gold ring featuring a huge diamond. She stares at it and him for a few seconds.
ANITA I love it!
She puts on the ring and admires it.
ANITA You’re the best!
TONY Yeah—I know.
INT. RICO’S HOME - DAY
Tony and Rico are seated across from one another.
RICO Tony—have you ever heard the saying, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours?”
TONY Yeah.
RICO Well, I’ve heard that you have a little something itching you right now—that you have some legal problems in the US. ... Well Tony, I know some people who can take care of your itch. And by “itch,” I mean legal problems.
TONY ... OK. ... So what's your fucking itch?
Rico stands up.
RICO This is my itch.
He takes off his shirt and turns his back to Tony.
RICO It’s on the top of my back. Can you scratch it for me?
Tony gets up and scratches Rico’s back.
INT. TONY’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Tony’s phone rings. He presses its speakerphone button.
TONY Hello?
RICO (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Tony. It’s Rico.
TONY Que paso, man?
RICO (SP) (Angrily) Tony—my back still itches.
TONY That’s OK. I’ll take care of it tomorrow.
RICO (SP) No, it's too late for that. I’m really pissed off, Tony. My back has been itching all day. ... Consider yourself dead, you fucking monkey!
TONY ... Listen. There’s something I need to tell you. Put the receiver against your good ear and listen closely.
RICO (SP) ... OK.
Tony picks up the phone, puts it on the table, pulls a pistol out of his pocket, points it towards the phone receiver, and fires several bullets into it. He looks towards several surveillance camera screens showing a bunch of INTRUDERS with guns pouring into the Dakota estate.
TONY (to himself) That was fucking quick.
He gets up and grabs a machine gun off the floor He walks out of his office...
INT. TONY'S MANSION LOBBY - NIGHT (CONT.)
...and to the indoor balcony at the top of his stairway. He hides behind a large pillar, and waits for the Intruders to make their move.
A few seconds later, a dynamite-like explosion blows off the mansion’s front door, and dozens of intruders begin making their way into Tony’s home. Tony immediately opens fire on them, and a gunfight ensues.
Tony uses the pillar as his shield, and does his best to fight off the intruders, who now number fifteen to twenty Tony fires off a few rounds He manages to hit a few Intruders. A doorbell rings several times Everyone stops shooting.
One of the Intruders walks up to the door and looks into the peephole.
INTRUDER (to everyone involved in the gunfight) Oh shit. It’s the cops, man.
The doorbell rings again.
INTRUDER (to the person or persons on the other side of the door) Who is it?
COP 1 (O.S.) It’s the police. Open up.
INTRUDER Uh... One moment, please.
Tony and the Intruders hide their guns behind their backs A few Intruders drag the dead bodies of other intruders out of sight, smearing trails of blood all over the floor. The Intruder opens the door. It reveals two COPS
Cop 1 looks inside Tony’s Mansion.
COP 1 Yeah—we got some reports of some gunshot noises going off around here.
The Intruders look like they aren’t sure how to handle this situation.
Tony speaks up.
TONY Oh—we were just watching Scarface with the volume turned up really loud.
COP 1 ... Scarface, huh...
The Cop looks around and examines the room, as if he is not entirely sold on Tony’s story yet. After a few seconds, however, his expression of seeming suspicion turns to one that indicates everything looks fine.
COP 1 I love that movie. Sorry to bother you.
TONY No problem, man.
The Cop walks out. The Intruders look at each other. They look at Tony. After a few seconds, they take out their guns and resume the gunfight.
TONY Come on!
Tony shoots his machine gun Various intruders are shot. Tony continues shooting his machine gun.
More intruders are shot. Tony, now with two machine guns in his hand and a Cuban cigar in his mouth, makes his way to the staircase, sits on the stair rail, and slides down it while shooting at the intruders and smoking his cigar.
He finishes off the remaining intruders as he slides down to the ground floor. He looks at all the dead intruders laying everywhere.
He pulls out his cell phone and dials a number.
TONY (into cell phone) Yeah—waste management? ... Yeah—I’ve got a few tons of waste I’m gonna need to manage.
INT. RICO’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Tony and Masturbar creep into a dark bedroom. Rico is standing up near a wall, having sex with an inflatable woman.
RICO Come on! Come on! Is this what you want?! Is this what you want?! Huh?! Huh?!
Tony flicks on the lights Rico turns around, keeping the woman in front of him.
TONY You having fun?
RICO Tony. Uh...
He throws the woman aside.
RICO What a pleasant surprise. Can I get you some water, juice, a blow up doll?
TONY No—I’m okay.
RICO Uh... Who’s your friend?
TONY ... Well—normally I’d introduce you two... but since you’re gonna be dead in about ten seconds, what’s the point?”
He pulls out a gun and points it at Rico.
RICO Tony. I don’t deserve to die! I never hurt anyone!
TONY Oh! You never hurt anyone! ... You know how many lives cocaine ruins?
RICO Tony. ... What the fuck are you talking about? You’re a coke dealer, too.
TONY Yeah—but I only sell it. You grow it. You’re the root of the problem.
RICO Tony—what you’re doing right now is what we call rationalization. You…
Tony fires three shots into Rico, sending his now dead body to the floor.
TONY Oh—I’m sorry. I forget to mention I have a little spasm in my trigger finger. ... Anyways, you were saying something about rationalization.
INT. CUBAN PRISON CELL - DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
TONY OK. I got verification from Ronaldo and Hector.
MASTURBAR Which Hector?
TONY The one that jerks off all the time.
MASTURBAR Both Hectors jerk off all the time.
TONY The black Hector.
MASTURBAR Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
TONY ... I didn’t want to sound racist. ... Anyways—it’s going down today at sixteen hundred hours.
MASTURBAR A.m. Or p.m?
TONY Well, uh... it’s gotta be p.m. ... Anyways, after we get out, we’re gonna take a raft northwest to Miami.
MASTURBAR Northwest? ... Don’t you mean northeast?
TONY Well—I figured we’d go the other way just to be safe.
MASTURBAR Tony—it’s twenty four thousand miles that way.
TONY ... OK—fine. We’ll go northeast.
A GUARD walks by and opens their cell.
TONY (to the guard) What the fuck is going on?
GUARD We’re sending all of you fucking lowlifes to America. Now you can roam free and fuck up their country.
TONY They’re gonna take us?
GUARD Yeah. Just make sure you don’t tell them you’re a convict. Now get all of your shit and meet us in the courtyard in five minutes.
TONY Five minutes a.m. or p.m.?
GUARD Um... a.m.
The Guard walks away.
TONY Fucking A.
MASTURBAR What?
TONY I spent the last three months planning our escape! And I already bribed the guards. That shit is nonrefundable!
MASTURBAR Tony—who gives a shit? We’re fucking out of here.
INT. RICO’S BEDROOM - DAY
BENNY—now in his early thirties—is examining the crime scene with another DETECTIVE. He glances over Rico’s dead body.
BENNY Let’s see. It looks like he was shot three times in the midsection. Uh... I’m not quite sure why he has an erection—but uh, as long he does, we might as well obtain a semen sample.
DETECTIVE ... OK.
Benny kneels down next to the body, takes off his hat, and, from what we can see, appears to begin stroking Rico’s penis.
BENNY Alright—call in the squad and get the wheels rolling. I want them to collect blood and hair, dust for prints, search the house for porn, and see if he has any library books out.
DETECTIVE Whoa—calm down. I think you’re taking this job a bit too seriously.
BENNY The hell I am! I am sick and tired of these animals running around shooting people and destroying our city. It’s no wonder our suicide rate is so high! ... Now go get me a cup. It looks like this guy is ready to shoot whitey.
EXT. SHIP – DAY (BLACK AND WHITE SCENE)
- Same setting/situation as Scene 2-
MASTURBAR Can you believe it, man? Five hours ago we were in a fucking cage in Cuba, and now we’re five minutes away from the Joonited States.
TONY ... Didn’t we already do this scene?
MASTURBAR ... Oh yeah.
INT. TONY'S MANSION, OFFICE - NIGHT
Tony is sitting at his desk working on a variation of Da Vinci’s Last Supper featuring Tony as Jesus and mountains of cash and cocaine in place of the disciples.
TONY (to himself) You know, all in all, everything seems to have worked out well. I mean, this all only proves that crime pays.
About a second later, Anita storms through Tony’s door with an angry look on her face.
ANITA I’m leaving you, Tony.
TONY What? Why?
ANITA ... You know, I could look past the cheating, the drug dealing, the swearing, the murders, the watch in your ass... even the chronic masturbation—but I just cannot stand the way you blow your nose into toilet paper! ... Goodbye, Tony.
She walks out of the room. Seconds later, Tony’s phone rings. He presses a button on it.
TONY Hello?
MAN (SP) Tony, it’s me. I’ve got some bad news.
TONY Well—does it accompany some good news?
MAN (SP) Uh—no.
TONY Well—can you think of some good news, and then give me a “good news bad news” combo?
MAN (SP) ... OK. ... Tony—I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
TONY OK. What’s the bad news?
MAN Our coke storage was cleaned out last night.
TONY What!? How?
MAN Some crackhead got in and snorted it all up.
TONY All five thousand keys?!
MAN Yeah.
TONY (calmly) ... OK. Just call our insurance company. They’ll take care of everything.
MAN Uh... Tony. There’s no such thing as cocaine insurance.
TONY ... Oh yeah. ... Well, where the fuck is that crackhead? I’d like to crack his fucking head.
MAN He’s dead. He ODed on the coke.
TONY ... Fucking A. ... Listen. You have that fucker cryogenically frozen. Then maybe one day we’ll be able to bring him back to life, so I can fucking kill him myself.
MAN Uh... OK, Tony.
TONY So, uh... what’s the good news?
MAN Uh... there’s a sale at Bloomingdales.
TONY There’s a sale at Bloomingdales?
MAN Yeah.
TONY ... That is good news. ... OK. Bye.
He presses a button on the phone.
Seconds later, Tony’s Mother walks through the door and up to Tony’s desk.
TONY’S MOTHER Tony—I just came to tell you that I did some thinking, and I decided that you’re no good, and I never want to see you again! ... And you can have your filthy money back.
TONY ... OK. ... Where is it?
She slaps him.
TONY’S MOTHER Shut up!
She turns around and walks straight out of his office.
Seconds later, Tony’s phone rings again.
He presses the same button and puts it on speakerphone.
DOCTOR CARTER (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Tony—it’s Doctor Carter.
TONY How you doing?
DOCTOR CARTER (SP) Alright.
TONY And how am I doing?
DOCTOR CARTER (SP) Uh—not so great. According to our tests... you don’t have a liver. It’s been replaced by a large cluster of hardened cocaine.
TONY Well—that’s OK. I mean, cocaine’s a versatile substance.
DOCTOR CARTER (SP) Um... actually...
TONY Well—thanks for your call.
DOCTOR CARTER (SP) But, uh, you might want to...
TONY OK, take care.
He presses a button on the phone and ends their call.
Seconds later, Masturbar walks through the door.
TONY Bad news, man. Some crackhead snorted up all of our coke.
MASTURBAR Are you serious?
TONY Yes, I’m serious! And it’s all your fucking fault!
MASTURBAR How is it my fault?
TONY I wanted to get rid of Dakota a long time ago—but you wouldn’t let me! He’s the one who got us into this mess!
Masturbar rolls his eyes, sighs, and shakes his head.
MASTURBAR You know what—you’re out of control, man. I’ve had enough of your fucking shit. Just pay me for my half of the business, and we’ll go our separate ways.
TONY ... OK. Let’s see. ... We lost a hundred million dollars worth of coke today—so that makes your half of the business worth... uh... negative ten million dollars.
MASTURBAR ... On second thought, you can keep my half.
He turns around and quickly walks out of the room.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
MAN Good news. A security camera spotted two men going into the Rico Fukmeeko home the night of the murder. And we found about a dozen foreign prints in his bedroom. Half of them belong to a blow up doll by the name of Sharon Head, and the others are from a local suspected coke dealer named Tony Dakota.
BENNY Tony Dakota?
MAN Yeah. Do you know him?
BENNY ... He’s my brother.
INT. TONY’S OFFICE - DAY
Tony’s phone rings again.
He presses its speakerphone button.
TONY Hello?
CARRIE (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Yeah—it’s me.
TONY Me? ... Tony?
CARRIE (SP) No—it’s Carrie.
TONY You’re gonna have to be more specific.
CARRIE (SP) ... Your mistress.
TONY Keep going.
CARRIE (SP) I’m five foot seven. ... I have a tattoo of a butterfly on my lower back.
TONY Oh—yeah. So uh—you wanna come over and uh, make my butter fly?
CARRIE (SP) ... Tony—I just called to tell you that I’m sick of being your woman on the side, and as far as I’m concerned, we’re finished.
TONY But baby! I love you! You mean everything to me!
CARRIE (SP) Yeah—you’ve used that one too many times. I mean, it’s like they say: “Fool me once, shame on you; fool the mice, the cats will play.”
TONY I can’t argue with that.
CARRIE (SP) ... Goodbye Tony.
She hangs up Tony presses a button on the phone. Seconds later, the phone rings again Tony presses the speakerphone button.
TONY Hello.
DICKY (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Tony—it’s me.
TONY ... My mistress?
DICKY (SP) No—it’s Dicky. ... Your father.
TONY Oh. ... Well—what do you want?
DICKY (SP) I need to borrow a hundred thousand dollars.
TONY Well—I’m having a little cash flow problem right now.
DICKY (SP) So—the answer’s no?
TONY Yeah.
DICKY (SP) The answer’s yeah?
TONY No.
DICKY (SP) Wait... I’m confused.
TONY The answer is no
DICKY (SP) What was the question?
TONY Can I borrow a hundred thousand dollars!
DICKY (SP) What a coincidence. I was going to ask you for a hundred thousand dollars.
TONY I know. You did. And my answer is no!
DICKY (SP) ... You know, I never liked you Tony. You’re nothing but a fucking lowlife scumbag. You’re the reason I stayed away from our home, you’re the reason I broke up with your mother, and you’re the reason the Confederates attacked Fort Sumter!
He hangs up Tony presses a button on the phone. Seconds later, JESUS CHRIST walks through the door.
TONY Jesus?
JESUS ‘Tis I.
TONY ... What do you want?
JESUS I just dropped by to tell you that I hate you.
TONY ... You hate me?
JESUS Yes.
TONY I thought you loved everyone.
JESUS Well... almost everyone.
Jesus snaps his fingers and disappears.
TONY (to himself) I’m beginning to think crime doesn’t pay.
The phone rings again. Tony presses a button on it.
TONY Hello.
MAN (ON SPEAKERPHONE) Tony. I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
TONY Well—what’s the good news?
MAN (SP) Well—to be honest, there is no good news.
TONY ... OK. What’s the bad news?
MAN (SP) Word on the street is the cops found a security video of you and Masturbar walking into Rico’s house the night of the murder. They also found your hair and fingerprints at the crime scene. They say it’s going to be an open and shut case.
TONY ... Open and shut for me, or for them?
MAN (SP) For them.
TONY Fucking A, man. ... OK. You call me back in five minutes with some good news!
MAN (SP) Um... OK, Tony.
Tony presses a button on the phone.
Seconds later, he hears Benny’s megaphone-enhanced voice
coming from another room.
BENNY (O.S.) Tony Dakota. This is Ben Dakota of the Miami Police Department. Come out with your hands up.
TONY (to himself) ... Benny?
He glances at his security camera and sees Ben in his lobby He walks out of his office...
INT. TONY’S LOBBY
...and into his home’s lobby area.
BENNY Long time no see, Tony.
TONY What the fuck are you doing here?
BENNY I’m here to take you in. You’re under arrest for the murder of Rico Fukmeeko.
TONY ... What are you, fucking kidding me?
BENNY (dead serious) Do I look like I’m kidding?
TONY ... I hope so.
BENNY Well... I’m not! Now are you coming, or not?
TONY Why? So you can put me in prison for the rest of my life?
BENNY (reassuringly, innocently) We’re not going to put you in prison.
TONY Oh yeah? Then what are you going to do to me?
BENNY Well... we’re going to put you in the electric chair. (reassuringly) But Tony—we’ll get you a good lawyer, and he might be able to get the voltage reduced.
Tony walks behind a pillar.
TONY Now, I’m not fucking around Benny! I have a shitload of weapons in this pillar. You can leave right now—you go your way, and I’ll go mine... provided, of course, that your way isn’t the same as mine. ... But if you stay, one of us will be leaving in a fucking body bag! ... Now, what’s it gonna be?
BENNY ... No.
TONY “No” as in you don’t want a gunfight, or “no” as in you’re unwilling to leave?
BENNY I’m not going anywhere, Tony. I came to make an arrest.
TONY (angry, emotional) ... OK! OK! You want a war?! You got one!
Benny takes refuge behind a pillar.
Tony opens a secret door in his pillar, revealing a variety of weapons He grabs a machine gun and begins firing at Benny. The bullets bounce off of Benny’s pillar.
Benny answers back with his machine gun, and sends a few bullets bouncing off of Tony’s pillar.
They exchange another round of gunfire. Tony grabs a grenade out of his pillar. Benny grabs a grenade out of his pocket. Tony pulls the pin out of his grenade and launches at Benny. Benny pulls the pin out of his grenade and tosses it up to Tony. Tony glances down and spots Benny’s grenade near his feet.
TONY Oh shit.
Benny glances down and spots Tony’s grenade near his feet.
BENNY Oh shit.
Tony and Benny both dive out of the way a split second before their grenades explode A second later, they take aim at each other and begin firing. Benny takes a couple of shots to the arm. Tony takes a couple of shots to the midsection. Another bullet hits his gun, causing it to fall out of his hands He stumbles around for a few seconds and then falls down near the top of his staircase. Benny gets up and, with his gun pointed at Tony, cautiously makes his way up the stairs. He reaches Tony, who is badly wounded, and appears to be on the verge of dying.
BENNY (concerned, upset) Tony. ... Tony—say something.
TONY ... Rosebud.
BENNY (confused) What?
TONY (emotionally) I mean. .... ... I could’ve... I could’ve been a painter. ... A painter with a loving wife, two and a half kids, real friends, liver cells, and all that other shit. ... But instead, I’m a fucking thug. ... And now, I’m about to die. ... ... (casually) Oh well—you win some, you lose some.
Tony dies.
INT. TONY’S OFFICE - NIGHT (CONT.)
Tony’s phone rings three times.
TONY (ANSWERING MACHINE) Yeah—it’s Tony. Talk to me.
The machine beeps.
MAN (AM) Yeah—Tony. I’ve got some good news. It turns out that crackhead is actually in a coma. The doctor says he has about a ten percent chance of coming out of it. So uh—let me know if you want to kill him now, or take our chances and hope for a recovery.