Daniel Defoe - Robinson Crusoe (1719)

I know this is going to sound a little like Gilligan’s Island, Cast Away, and Six Days Seven Nights—but keep in mind that this book is copyright 1719. (So take that, Sherwood Schwartz!)

A few decades ago, some young English guy decided to set sail and become a sea merchant. A while later, some pirates captured his ship and made him a slave in Africa. But he managed to break free and set sail down the African coast, and he somehow ended up becoming a wealthy plantation owner in Brazil. He later made a voyage to Africa in order to get some slaves, only to get shipwrecked off of the coast of Trinidad, the sole survivor of his ship, and apparently the only person on a deserted island.

Now, most people in his situation would’ve looked for food, explored the area, or at least taken a nap—but for some reason, he took the time to write a catchy theme song describing his adventures up to that point.

He then began life as a real life “Robinson Crusoe.” No phone, no lights, no motor cars—which didn’t bother him the least bit considering how none of that stuff even existed back then. He did, however, miss Brazil nuts and English toffee.

Anyways, he kicked on the island for a while, and managed to build a one man town complete with a goat farm, candle factory, bakery, brewery, cellar, church, synagogue, mosque, pet store, Crate & Barrel, Barrel & Crate, and Starbucks. (Unfortunately, the Starbucks was always out of coffee.)

He also built a small boat and planned to sail back to civilization—but he mysteriously developed some sort of woodphobic OCD, and had to scrap those plans and burn every tree he could find.

A few years later, he discovered some human footprints on the beach—which scared the hell out of him considering how cannibals were rumored to live in the area. (Not once did he suspect the footprints belonged to Don Rickles or the Harlem Globetrotters.)

So he moved underground to the island’s basement—and after hearing gunshots go off one night, he went to investigate the next day, and discovered some cannibals killing a group of captives.

One of them, however, escaped and ran towards Crusoe’s dwelling—and then some other stuff happened, and John Elway ran in for a game winning touchdown with no time left on the clock. (But fortunately for me, the Broncos didn’t cover the spread.)