Over 5 million American kids and teenagers are calmed down regularly with the prescription drug Ritalin. As in. “Oh—look at Tommy. Tommy’s out of control! We gotta give him something. Let’s give him some pills. There we go. That calmed him down. Now he’s watching Nickelodeon. Alright.”
But I actually have a really good Ritalin alternative. This works just as well or better than Ritalin. Just put your kid in a cage with padded walls and a toilet, and leave him there for 4 or 5 hours. And if you want, you can play the Benny Hill music, too. He’ll have a great time—and that should take care of everything. Without any side effects.
And there'll be a nice bonus. And you can attach his arms and legs to a machine that’ll use his movements to generate power. There we go. I just solved the energy crisis. One kid will be enough to power an electric car battery. And all of Las Vegas. I’ll bet Jesus put hyperactive kids in this country to reduce our reliance on Muslim oil. That makes a lot of sense. Any time you give your kids Ritalin, you’re helping the terrorists. OPEC probably owns shares in the company that makes Ritalin.
So don’t give your kid drugs. Just put him in a cage. And if you don’t want to put him in a cage, just attach his hands to a rickshaw, and have him carry you everywhere.
Imagine a left wing environmentalist type coming across something like that. He’d be really conflicted. “Uh... wait a second. They’re helping the environment, but they’re being pulled around by their kids. I’m not quite sure how I feel about this.”
So drug companies are telling us that we don’t need cages or rickshaws. I’m not necessarily saying we do—but they don’t want you to even consider my theory. Why? Mainly because...