Richard Nixon was born on July 4, 1876 in a Buick factory. He was wearing a suit.
The second he was born, he tore off his umbilical cord, got up, and built 400 Buicks with his bare hands. All 400 of those Buicks are still on the road today.
After finishing his 400th Buick, Nixon drove it to a coal mine and mined for coal. He didn't take a lunch break. Nixon always ate lunch while working. He ate nothing but liver. And he drank nothing but mud water and rum.
When Nixon was done at the coal mine, he added 500 names to his Enemies List. And then he enlisted in the military. He was six hours old.
Nixon accomplished more in his first six hours than that no good communist Barack Obama has accomplished in his entire life. Barack Obama is worse than a Northern European. He and Joe Biden are the biggest lowlife bastards in human history. And Matt Damon. And Nancy Pelosi. And Jimmy Carter.
Richard Nixon is an American hero. Barack Obama is a son of a bitch. All liberals are sons of bitches. Every single liberal on the planet today is on Nixon's Enemies List. If Nixon were alive today, he'd eat Barack Obama's liver. I don't even think he'd bother chewing. He'd want to get Obama's liver into his digestive tract as quickly as possible.
Anyways, after serving in the military for a few years, Nixon built more Buicks, mined for more coal, and studied the lives of great Americans.
How come our schools don't have a Lives of Great Americans class?
If it were up to Barack Obama, our kids would be studying the lives of great Muslim terrorists.
Barack Obama is a terrorist. He wants to destroy America. All liberals want to destroy America.
Richard Nixon is hands down the greatest American ever. Barack Obama is the worst. He's not just the anti-Christ--he's the anti-Nixon.
Barack Obama is a communist. He doesn't work, and he tries to spend as much of your money as possible. But the media isn't allowed to mention that. In 2008, they never mentioned that he's built a grand total of zero Buicks. Never! And why? Because Obama played the race card. Liberals will resort to anything in order to get ahead. Barack Obama stole the election. He stole it. But American heroes like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush won the presidency fair and square.
Nixon is a hero. He should be on our five dollar bills and pennies instead of Abraham Hussein Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a traitor. I'll bet he was the founder of Northern Europe. When I'm done with this Nixon bio, I'll begin work on one about "Abraham Hussein Lincoln: American Traitor and Founder of Northern Europe." Abraham Lincoln was a Northern European piece of garbage. I'll bet his real name was Sven or Jari. I'll bet he was a Muslim, too. Or an atheist. Or both, like Barack Hussein Obama. "Abraham Sven Hussein Lincoln: American Traitor, Founder of Northern Europe, and Atheist-Islamic Son of a Bitch."
Anyways, after finishing his service in Northern Europe, Nixon drove his Buick to Arizona and dug the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is basically a three year old Nixon's sandbox. He dug it up in forty days and forty nights. He didn't even eat or drink anything--because unlike Nancy Pelosi, he can store water like a camel.
After finishing the Grand Canyon, Nixon invented a time machine , traveled to 1783, and defeated the British. He then went to 1955 and gave Biff back the Sports Almanac--because there's nothing wrong with what Biff was doing. He was a capitalist.
Nixon then began his war on drugs by killing Pablo Escobar. And three minues after Escobar was dead, Nixon created the internet, along with the world's first two websites: foxnews.com and buick.com. (Liberal lunatic Al Gore would later take credit for the internet, as well as Nixon's 18 touchdown passes to Elroy Hirsch in the first ever NFL championship game.)
Nixon created the internet and set up foxnews.com and buick.com. Barack Obama, on the other hand, uses the internet to forward his Muslim terrorist friends Qur'an quotes like "Kill the idolaters" and "Death to the America." Oh--and he always uses Twitter to talk about himself and feed his conceit.
Republican Presidents like Nixon think about America, service, duty, and bald eagles. Democratic Presidents like Obama think about themselves. Republican Presidents serve as president. Democratic Presidents serve their egos.
If Nixon had a Twitter during his presidency, it wouldn't have been about what he ate for breakfast or did for Christmas. It would've been about the country's net increases in hours worked, gallons of rum consumed, and number of Northern Europeans killed per week.
Those rates increased every second under Nixon.
The day before he resigned in 1974, the average American was working 274 hours a week, and the average American rum manufacturer was worth $174 billion. Abercrombie & Fitch, on the other hand, was worth negative $6 trillion. The company's CEO was tortured fifteen times per day. All liberals were tortured at least once a day. The Communist Manifesto wasn't just banned--every copy was obliterated with a nuclear weapon. We used one nuclear bomb on each copy. And on Halloween, all children dressed as Uncle Sam--and people gave them beer and cigarettes instead of candy. The average three year old smoked two packs a day, and Rob Reiner was a chain smoker. And there was no such thing as lung cancer.
Anyways, after creating the internet, Nixon disappeared for a large chunk of his early life, and then reappeared in his early thirties, performed miracles, healed the masses, tortured communists, and became a Congressman and then Senator of California. (In reality, Nixon ran the entire Legislative branch of our government. Anyone who ever voted against Nixon was immediately thrown out of office and beaten with a Yakov Smirnoff tape.)
Nixon then became vice president to Dwight D. Eisenhower--and together, the two of them built our entire highway system, won the WWF tag tam championship, and changed all 366 calendar days to July 4th. They also teamed up with Martin Luther King, Jr. and ended racism, even though King was definitely a communist.
Nixon was the greatest Vice President ever.
But the country went insane and chose John F. Kennedy over Nixon after Eisenhower's second term.
After losing to Kennedy, Nixon had his 40 years in the desert--only it was eight (40 divided by the 5 Books of Moses)--and then he became the 40th president in US history--only he was the 37th (3 + 7 = 10, 10 times the 4 in 40). It's all in the Bible.
And after one day of Nixon as President, the country's unemployment hit 0%. And I mean real unemployment, and not Obama's deceptive variety. Everyone was employed. People who wanted jobs, people who werent sure if they wanted job, people who definitely didn't want jobs. Adults, teenagers, children, toddlers, babies, fetuses, sperm and egg cells--everyone. Even corpses, ashes, souls, etc. Animals worked, too. And plants, fungi, and bacteria. Even subatomic particles. Real unemployment was at 0%. Worldwide. And universe-wide. Even in the afterworld. 0% unemployment everywhere.
And the world was up to its ankles in coal. The entire planet was a bed of coal. The oceans were filled with coal. When people wanted a barbecue, they just lit anywhere.
And the average family owned five and a half Buick Tanks. And 300 machine guns.
And there were bald eagles everywhere. And American flags. Almost everything was an American flag.
And the environment was perfect.
Then Nixon was framed of something--and rather than wasting America's time and money the way Obama does, he resigned instead of letting it go to trial.
And in 1994, after finding out that Friends was the most popular show on TV, Richard Nixon committed hari kari suicide in order to go to the afterlife and kill Satan. One second later, Satan was dead. Nixon finished digesting his liver three seconds after that.
And now he sits next to Jesus and God. There was no Trinity before Nixon. Jesus and God were waiting for him.