Richard Milhous Nixon was born on July 4, 1876 in a Buick factory. He was wearing a suit. After he was born, he tore off his umbilical cord, got up, and built 400 Buicks with his bare hands. All 400 of those Buicks are still on the road today. After finishing his 400th Buick, Nixon drove it to a coal mine and mined for coal. He didn't take a lunch break. Nixon always ate lunch while working. He ate nothing but liver. And he drank nothing but mud water and rum. Nixon accomplished more in his first six hours than that no good communist Barack Obama has accomplished in his entire life. Richard Nixon is an American hero. Barack Obama is a son of a bitch. If Nixon were alive today, he'd eat Barack Obama's liver. I don't even think he'd bother chewing. He'd want to get Obama's liver into his digestive tract as quickly as possible.
Anyways, after mining for coal, Nixon drove his buick to Arizona and dug the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is basically Nixon's sandbox. It took him a few hours to dig--and he didn't even eat or drink anything, because unlike Nancy Pelosi, he can store water like a camel.
Barack Obama is a communist. But the media isn't allowed to mention that. During the 2008 election, they never mentioned that he's built a grand total of zero Buicks. Barack Obama stole the election. He stole it. But American heroes like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush won the presidency fair and square. And even if they crossed a few lines to win, it doesn't matter. American heroes need to do whatever they can to defeat liberal jackasses like Al Gore and whoever the hell Nixon beat.
Anyways, after digging the Grand Canyon, Nixon disocvered America and defeated the British. He then created the internet, along with the world's first two websites: foxnews.com and buick.com. He also roundhouse kicked communists in the face, and became a Congressman, and then a Governor, and then Vice President. VIce President Nixon and Presdient Eisenhower built our entire highway system themselves, out of dirt and empty whiskey bottles.
On January 20, 1969, Richard Milhous Nixon became President of the United States--and on January 21, 1969, the country's unemployment rate hit negative 1776%. Everyone worked. People who wanted jobs, people who weren't sure if they wanted jobs, people who definitely didn't want jobs, and people who were definitely dead. Nixon even dug up Karl Marx's corpse, and made him work 12 hours a day as lumberjack. That's how Nixon fought communism. Every day, people would walk by the White House front lawn and see a dead Karl Marx chopping down redwood trees, like Paul Bunyan. As President, Nixon gave five State of the Union Addresses. Each one was five seconds long, and mentioned two things: how many hours the average American worked, and how many gallons of whiskey the average American preschooler drank for breakfast. Those rates increased every second under Nixon. Right before he resigned in 1974, the average American was working 17 hours a day, the average redwood tree has been chopped down eight times, and the average liquor store had more customers than the average McDonald's.
And the world was up to its ankles in coal. And there were bald eagles and American flags everywhere. And on Halloween, all children dressed as Uncle Sam--and people gave them beer and cigarettes instead of candy. The average three year old smoked two packs a day, and there was no such thing as lung cancer. And the average family owned five and a half Buick Tanks. Everyone drove a Buick tank to work. All of those tanks were built by Nixon himself, with nothing but two hammers, a bunch of mud, and 187 billion empty whiskey bottles. And yes--Nixon drank all of that whiskey himself, on the day of his Inauguration, right after punching every single communist in the Soviet Union.
Then Nixon was framed of something--and rather than wasting America's time and money the way Obama does, he resigned instead of letting it go to trial.
And in 1994, after finding out that Friends was the most popular show on TV, Richard Nixon committed hari kari suicide in order to go to the afterlife and kill Satan. One second later, Satan was dead. Nixon finished digesting his liver three seconds after that.
If Nixon had a Twitter during his presidency, it wouldn't have been about what he ate for breakfast or did for Christmas. It would've been about the country's net increases in hours worked, gallons of rum consumed, and number of communists roundhouse kicked per week.