Basic Instinct Review
Basic Instinct Review
Citizen Kane Review
Die Hard Review
Donnie Darko Review
Lance: It made me think of the Constitution—particularly the part about cruel and unusual punishment. One thumb down, one gun in my mouth
I’m confused. Was I supposed to root for or against the fat Italian guy? Two stars
Jack: Back in the old days, movies had meaning, depth, and actual storylines. Thank God those days are over. One star
Lost in Translation ReviewSteve: It lacked a plot, it lacked realism, it lacked Elmer Fudd references, and it lacked order—and I was fine with all of that. But I found the lack of nudity to be completely unacceptable! Two stars
Reginald: If the Royale with Cheese is actually a metaphor for man’s struggle to overcome the mass production programming of society, then this is the hands down greatest movie of all time. If not, then this is the stupidest crap in the history of stupid crap. One or four stars
Gordon: Brilliant, innovative, deep, meaningful, and clever. Take the opposite of all of those words, and you’ll be left with a pretty good description of this movie. One star
Sharon: I’m not really into sports—but I am into sweaty, shirtless men. Three stars
Thomas: I’m confused. Was I supposed to root for Rocky or Apollo? Two stars
The single most overrated piece of trash in the history of cinema (—aside from the other 5,455 movies I’ve called the single most overrated piece of trash in the history of cinema).
I normally don’t care much for super BS, over-the-top, death-a-minute action films—but as far as they go, this one was awful. One star
Star Wars ReviewHeath: Reminds of the titanic crap I took last week. One star
Steve: I’m not so sure there’s much to say about this one. A guy pursues a girl on a ship, we see a couple of seconds of nudity, and then the ship sinks. Maybe if they extended the nude scene to 190 minutes and covered everything else in five, it would’ve been pretty good (and not nearly as expensive)—but as it is, it focuses a bit too much on its plot and characters. Two stars
Steve: A feel good romantic comedy that made me feel like vomiting. One star and three hundred chunks up
Sharon: This used to be my favorite movie of all time—until it made me realize how dull and unromantic my own marriage is. One star
Jack: A word of advice: If your girlfriend drags you to this one, bring along a pair of earplugs and binoculars, stick the former in your ears, and keep the latter on Meg Ryan’s butt the entire time—because that’s the only way you’re going to be able to get through this movie without slitting your throat. One star
Carl: Poo-poo with a capital P. For starters, I thought the Cat character was unrealistic, one-dimensional, and a complete doo-doo head. Plus, the book was way too vague at times. And worst of all, it never bothered explaining why the cat was in a hat. I mean, I’m tempted to think the author just put him in a hat because it happens to rhyme with cat!! What’s next? The Goat in a Boat? The Ape in a Cape? The Crab in a Cab? The Whale in a Pail? The Whale in a Pail! I can just see it now. The long awaited follow up to The Cat in the Hat, featuring a walking, talking whale who, for no goddamn reason whatsoever, happens to spend time in a pail! Never mind the fact that whales don’t fit in pails, never mind the fact that whales can’t talk—this particular whale defies all the laws of nature for reasons that go entirely unexplained. I’d like to know where this Seuss fella got his degree, because I think they’re handing out diplomas to anyone who shows up at their door. One star
Hugh: The first amendment does have its drawbacks—and that’s made apparent by pages 1 to 277 of this freakin' nonsense. One star
Simone: If you like pointless books, I hold you responsible for the success of this crap. One star
The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown ReviewTerry: Reminds me of Seinfeld… in the sense that it’s about nothing. Reminds me of a piece of crap… in the sense that it’s a piece of crap. One star
Ulysses: If you’re looking for a book that offers instant gratification, look elsewhere. If you’re looking for a book that offers delayed gratification, keep looking, bub. In fact, if you want any type of gratification whatsoever, I’d suggest burning this crap after you read the first page. One star
Ulysses: The plot was nonexistent, the characters were underdeveloped, the chapters were repetitive—and I never understood my motive for finding Waldo. I mean, does Waldo even need to be found? Although, I suppose that might be the point of the book. Maybe we all spend our lives chasing Waldos like money, fame, and approval, while neglecting the more important things in life. We immediately start looking for that cap wearing lunatic, without realizing that our search only leads to leads to an unfulfilling life. … You know, on second thought, this is the greatest book of all time. Where’s Waldo? Out of my life, and out of my mind. I can just leave this book on my coffee table without every having the urge to look for that %@!(^$#)@^%!!. If I could, I’d kill that striped piece of crap! In fact, I’m going to hunt down that guy just to erase every single one of his images from my copy, and make sure I’ll never be distracted by him again. Four stars
John: We have the Beatles to thank for just about every new musical act to come out since the 1960s—including and especially, New Kids on the Block, N Sync, 98 Degrees, The Backstreet Boys, and Color Me Badd. Thanks a lot! One star
Michael: Is she looking at you? Is she smiling? Do I care? A—I don’t know, I don’t know, no! One star
Robert: If I wanted to see a bunch of Jews eating a meal, I’d be at my grandma’s house right now singing Shalom Aleichem. One star
Sarah: A Bible themed painting? How original. One star.
Jesus: A little too busy for my taste. Two stars
Tia: I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Pope Julius II had in mind when he hired Michelangelo. And I’m pretty sure this isn’t what God had in mind when he released the Bible. Two stars
Kolby: This one would’ve been a bona fide masterpiece—if it weren’t for all of those clocks! Two stars
Jesus: Should be retitled Forgettable. One star
Jesus: The expressions on their faces remind me why I hate the French so much. Four stars
Sal: I can’t believe the people responsible for Seinfeld and Blazing Saddles also gave us Numbers and Deuteronomy. One star
Moshe: The scriptures contain way too much filler, the food contains way too much fish, and the emotions contain way too much guilt. Two stars
Christina: Kosher for Passover soap, separate meat and dairy utensils, a full day’s fast every year—it all seems like too much of a hassle to me. I do, however, like the folk songs. Two stars
Jenna: I started losing interest after Exodus, I started falling asleep during Joshua, and I was ready to worship false idols by Kings. One star
Paul: I liked it back when I was an eight year old getting gifts and hunting for eggs—but I’m not so sure this religion has much to offer adults. Two stars
Sal: I’d rather spend my Sundays watching football. Two stars
Jenna: “Love your enemies” might seem fine in theory—but if this Jesus guy actually knew my enemies, he’d be singing a much different tune. Two stars
Christian: The cross might be effective against vampires, but it sure does a lousy job of keeping blood sucking clergymen away. One star
Stan: Isaac Newton was a Christian, Bugsy Siegel was a Jew, Joseph Stalin was an atheist, and 99.9% of Muslims are terrorists. I rest my case. Four stars
Paul: I don’t care much for the religion itself—but I love the idea of hating everyone else. Three stars
Sal: The good will go to Heaven and the evil will go to Hell? How cliché is that? Two stars
Christina: Adam, Noah, Abraham, and Jesus—where have I heard those names before? Two stars
Jenna: The only thing I like to do five times a day is open the refrigerator. One star
Gina: Naming 90% of the population Muhammad pretty much defeats the purpose of first names. One star
Hal: I don’t mind the reincarnation—but did I have to come back as such a selfish bastard? Two stars
Paul: If it were any good, it would’ve made it past India’s borders a long time ago. One star
Sid: I used to be into it—until I found out that the Buddha was actually a thin Indian guy. Two stars
Hal: The Buddha would make an interesting pro wrestling character—but I’m not so sure I like him as a religious leader. Two stars
Jenna: Based on what I know, I’d say it may or may not be bull. ? stars
Sal: And I thought Islamic fundamentalists were intolerant. One star
Gina: Even if God doesn’t exist, he probably doesn’t want you to become an atheist. One star
Jehovah: God is like soooo 1980s. Four stars
Paul: After living the last two years with a bossy real wife, I have no desire to live with a bossy imaginary God. Four stars
I don't actually use the Total Gym--but I've owned one for a really long time, and I still don't look anything like Chuck Norris. I even grew a beard. Actually, I got the beard before the Total Gym.
But I'm not happy about my purchase. I defintely have good reason to be upset with Chuck. I should go to his house and return it--but I don't know. He looks like a tough, crazy guy. He might challenge me to a Kung Fu fight--and I don't like my odds.
But I'm not so sure I can recommend the Total Gym. Maybe the people who have actually excercised on it have experienced different results--but if you're planning to just buy it and stare it, it's probably not going to transform your body.