If you think 0-time Nobel Peace Prize winner Richard Nixon did more for world peace than 1-time winners Le Duc Tho, Anwar Sadat, and Yasser Arafat, you might be a real American.
If you don't want liberals to start printing hundred thousand dollar bills, you might be a real American.
If you think Obama is a celebrity first and a president second, you might be a real American.
If you want Halliburton to acquire Apple Computers and turn it into an oil refinery, you might be a real American.
If you consider an Andy Griffith Show rerun more important than the World Cup, you might be a real American.
If you think we should give Seattle to Israel, you might be a real American.
If you think Conservapedia has a liberal bias, you might be a real American.
If your mental map of the United States doesn't acknowledge the existence of San Francisco and Seattle, you might be a real American.
If you've wondered why the "President" spent $2 million to avoid producing his birth certificate, you might be a real American.
If you put quotes around "President" when referring to Hussein Obama, you might be a real American.
If you refer to our "President" as Hussein Obama, you might be a real American.
If you think the government should digitally add Police Academy's Tackleberry to 99% of all movies, you might be a real American.
If you think the people taking credit for 9/11 were behind 9/11, you might be a real American.
If you don't want atheists to connect their non-Churches to our state, you might be a real American.
If you think the Mayflower was powered by gasoline, you might be a real American.
If you think guns and Jesus are the ultimate combination, you might be a real American.
If you want to know why no one's ever produced proof that Honolulu and Barack Obama exist, you might be a real American.
If you think that capitalism creates wealth while Marxism distributes wealth that doesn't exist, you might be a real American.
If you don't want to give America-hating terrorists the code to our combination lock, you might be a real American.
If you believe that the only government agencies should be those outlined in the Constitution, you might be a real American.
If you think all universities force students to minor in liberalism, you might be a real American.
If you own an 8-track tape with 8 tracks of "Stars and Stripes Forever," you might be a real American.
If you think that liberalism is a mental disorder, you might be a real American.
If you don't want to support a President who's supported by terrorists, you might be a real American.
If you think the rest of the world should thank us on Thanksgiving, you might be a real American.
If you think the race card pictures Barack Hussein Obama pissing all over America, you might be a real American.
If you consider "meatless dinner" to be an oxymoron, you might be a real American.
If you consider Michelle Obama's fight on Childhood obesity to be an infringement on individual freedoms, you might be a real American
If you've noticed the negative correlation between smoking and lung cancer, you might be a real American.
If you can claim that the Bible mandates free market capitalism, you might be a real American.
If you think everyone should pay us for their freedom, you might be a real American.
If your idea of checks and balances is a conservative President, Supreme Court, and Congress, you might be a real American.
If you dislike cats on principal, you might be a real American.
If your idea of home security is a Smith and Wesson, you might be a real American.
If you bet your bookie that the South will rise again this year, you might be a real American.
If you think Sportscenter ought to lead with hunting highlights, you might be a real American.
If your favorite authors are Mark Twain and Glenn Beck, you might be a real American.
If you prefer Chinamen and Japanmen to other non-Americans, you might be a real American.
If your idea of an international vacation is visiting Disney World's Epcot Center, you might be a real American.
If you're offended when the person working the deli gives you a choice of cheeses other than American, you might be a real American.
If the only reality TV show you watch is hosted by Jerry Springer, you might be a real American.
If you think Elmo is a communist, you might be a real American.
If you measure cocaine in ounces and pounds, you might be a real American.
If you think that the government should send Ann Coulter books to all Oprah Magazine subscribers, you might be a real American.
If you think people wearing outfits that look Muslim ought to be subjected to a citizen's frisk, you might be a real American.
If you think that the government's decision to give land back to the American Indians was unconstitutional, you might be a real American.
If you think that cigarettes shouldn't be taxed and Tiramisu should, you might be a real American.
If you have no idea what Tiramisu is, you might be a real American.
If you can taste Richard Nixon's sweat any time Obama is identified as a Muslim, you might be a real American.