If you're a rapper, you have to rap about how much money you make and spend. It doesn't matter how broke you are. Even if you're rapping at your local landromaut while your clothes are drying, you can let everyone there know about your astounding wealth. Right after you borrow a dollar from your friend. "Charlie! What up, homey? Yo--can I borrow a dollar? I need to take care of some laundy." And right after you get the dollar from Charlie, start rapping about how rich you are. "I head on down to Tiffany's and I buy rocks / I head on in to the laundry and dry my socks."
99.9% of rappers are playing the character of a wealthy rapper. The other 0.1% actually has money. Of course, at one point they were part of the 99.9%. They, too, were broke ass rappers talking about their Rolls Royces and diamonds. And somehow or another, they ended up getting actual Rolls Royces and diamonds. In the rap game, talking about getting money is the best way to get money.
When rappers do actually get money, they spend it. That's not just a rap song theme. Rap money = spent money.
Famed investor Warren Buffet--the world's third richest person--drives a $45,000 car. And famed rapper Jay Z--the world's 3000th richest person--spends $45,000 on lunch. But Jay Z is supposedly the one who lives in the ghetto. That's what Mr. $45,000 lunch is telling us. "I'm from the streets, homey." He probably says that to his manicurist a lot. "What do you mean you can't work on me until 3 pm? I'm from the streets, homey. You better give me a 12 o'clock appointment, Ling Lee. I need an early manicure."
Maybe Warren Buffet's the one who should be rapping about living in the ghetto. Because compared to Jay Z, he lives in poverty with his $45,000 car. That’s pretty ghetto when you put it on Jay-Z’s menu. A car next to a $10,000 order of onion rings.
I wonder what Jay Z would do with Warren Buffet's money. That’s a scary thought. I think he’d lose his mind.
Even though Jay-Z spends a ton of money on damn near everything, there are certain things he wants and can't afford. If you change that, just imagine what'll happen.
Here’s what’ll happen: He’ll go to an auction and win a car for a million dollars. And then he'll take a baseball bat and start smashing the car up. And someone will ask him, “What are you doing?” And he'll say, “What do you mean what am I doing? I'm worth $45 billion. I can afford to do this.”
Yes. Jay-Z can now afford to smash up a million dollar car. So he's doing it. That's Jay-Z, the $45 billion man. But nowadays, he can only afford to light $100 bills on fire.
He does that. And then he goes to the recording studio and lets us know about life in the ghetto. And life as the 3000th richest man in the world.
That’s what I love about rappers. They rap about how rich they are and how much money they spend, and then ten seconds later they're saying, “Yeah--I live in the ghetto.” What? You spend $50 million a year, but you live in the ghetto? Am I supposed to believe that? Even politicians won’t try something like that. Newt Gingrich considered it. But then he thought, “Uh--people aren’t going to go for that.” But rappers alternate the ghetto life with the high life. One second, they’re in Watts. The next second, they’re on a yacht. Getting shot. Jay-Z--if you want to put out a children’s book, there you go. I Got Shot on a Yacht. By Jay-Z. featuring Dr. Seuss. And Ludacris. "He did not shoot me in my house. He did not shoot me with a mouse. I left my crib in ghetto Watts. Then I got shot while on my yacht."
Most rappers are like that. They ofter a pretty strange picture of how they live. "Look at me, man. I'm a ghetto superstar / With a refrigerator full of beluga caviar”
So wait--you eat caviar in the ghetto? Uh... I'm not an expert or anything--but according to the sitcom Good Times, people in the ghetto eat foods like oatmeal--not caviar. Or maybe they put caviar in their oatmeal, instead of raisins. Is that soul food? Yeah. Now that I think of it, I think JJ's other catchphrase was, "The salad fork is on the right."
OK--fine. Caviar in the Ghetto. That can be the title of Jay Z's next album. Caviar in the Ghetto. The album cover will have a picture of him shooting someone with one hand and getting a manicure with the other. “If I'm I going to shoot someone, I want to make sure my nails look good.”
The album will contain fifteen tracks--each of which will feature ten guest rappers and singers. That's the way rap songs are nowadays. Each one has to feature enough guest artists to play a five on five basketball game.
How does the guest rapper process work? If Jay-Z wants to feature a rapper on his track, does he approve the other rapper's lyrics first? I don't know. What if the guy he's featuring wants to rap about having sex with sheep? Has Jay-Z ever been in that sitaution before? What if he hires the Ghostface Killer as a guest rapper, and Ghostface says, "OK. I'm going to rap about having sex with sheep." That would be a very uncomfortable situation for Jay-Z. What's he supposed to say? "You know what. Fuck you. Get the fuck off of my song." That'll start a rap feud. Even if Jay-Z tries to be polite about the whole thing. "Ghostface. I love the idea. In fact, I've had sex with a few sheep myself. But I'm going for something else in this song. This isn't really a 'have sex with sheep' song. But if I ever want to make a track like that, you'll be the first guy I'll call." Even if Jay-Z says that, it'll still lead to a rap feud. You're liable to get shot over something like that. Someone will get shot. Either Jay-Z or the Ghostface Killah. I called him Ghostface Killer before. It's Killah. What's wrong with me? Why did call him Killer? It's Killah.
I hope I don't piss off Ghostface Killah by saying he has sex with sheep.
Whatever. That guy's probably proud of it. He does have sex with sheep. He's proud.
Listen. If your name is "Ghostface Killah," you shouldn't have standards like "Don't say I have sex with sheep. That offends me. That's where I draw a line." That's where you draw a line? Really? You're a freaking Ghostface Killah. I don't even know what that is.
Ghostface Killah? Does that mean he wears a white ski mask and kills people? Or maybe he kills ghostfaces. I don't know. But whatever a ghostface killah is, I don't think it's a step up from a sheep rapist.
I like to analyze these things. Some people like to analyze philosophical works or Shakespeare. I like to analyze rap names. And rap songs. Let's do Money Ain't a Thang by Jay Z featuring Jermaine Dupri.
[Jermaine Dupri] "In the Ferrari or Jaguar, switchin four lanes"
He's switching four lanes. That probably means he's on the freeway. Where else are you going to find four lanes? Unless he's switching into oncoming traffic. I doubt it. And if he is, then I'm not too fond of Jermaine Dupri.
Anyways, he's talking about his expensive cars and how he likes to drive them. Great. I'm happy for you, Jermaine. You have a Ferrari or Jaguar? I don't.
"With the top down screamin out / Money ain't a thang"
So now we know the car is a convertible. But you never know with these rappers. "Top down" might mean something else. Maybe he has some custom made non-convertible with its top down. Or maybe his girlfriend's top is down. Do rappers have girlfriends? Maybe their hos.
But I'm guessing Jermaine is talking about a convertible. He's in a convertible. And he's screaming out, "Money ain't a thang."
If I actually saw someone doing that, I'd kick his ass. I'd be driving in my Honda Civic. Not a Ferrari, not a Jaguar. A Civic. I'd follow the gentleman in the Ferrari or Jaguar. Even at 200 miles per hour. I get better gas mileage. He'd have to stop at some point. I'd hunt him down and kick the shit out of him for screaming "Money ain't a thing" like a lunatic. I'm not happy about the fact that he's switching four lanes in the first place. But yelling money ain't a thing? Jermaine Dupri--you better not do that shit around me. I'll tell you that right now. If you're driving in your Ferrari or Jaguar and you have the urge to scream out "Money ain't a thang," check for me first. Check your rear view mirror for a silver Honda Civic. And if you see me, don't yell out anything "Money ain't a thang" related. Otherwise, I'll kick your ass.
Money ain't a thing? Allow me to offer a counterargument, Jermaine. Money is a thing. It ain't a thing to you. But what about someone making $20,000 a year? It's a thing to him.
You shouldn't have a Ferrari or Jaguar. You shouldn't even have a donkey. Anyone who's ever screamed out "Money ain't a thing" doesn't even deserve a donkey. I'll let you have a used 1980s skaetboard. That's it. That's all you get, Mr. Money Ain't a Thang.
Imagine someone like that running the country. With a "Money Ain't a Thang" attitude. Like Obama. Obama wants to change our national anthem to Money Ain't a Thang. I know it. (By the way, I'm not racist for saying that. If Obama were white or Money Ain't a Thang were a country song, I'd be saying the same thing.)
[Jay-Z] "Bubble hard in the double R flashin the rings"
I'm not sure what bubbling is. The double R is a Rolls Royce.
Congratulations, Jay-Z. You own a Rolls Royce. You're master of the universe. Should I give you your crown right now? You have a Rolls Royce. And you're bragging about it. That makes you master of the universe. Or does it? I really don't see what the big deal is. You got the Double R. I got the HC. I think HCs are better than Double Rs. Do you know how reliable Honda Civics are? Do you know how much I'm saving on gas?
Anyways, Jay-Z has a Rolls Royce. And he's also flashin the rings. He's starting to piss me off. Even if he doesn't yell out money ain't a thang, the flashing of the rings is enough. It's over for you, Jay-Z. My Honda Civic is after you, too.
"With the window cracked, holler back / Money ain't a thang"
So he's hollering back to Jermaine Dupri. Jermaine Dupri's saying, "Money ain't a thang." And Jay Z's saying, "Money ain't a thang."
Jay-Z--you deserve every Grammy you've won. You deserve more. If you have ten, I want to give you another ten. Just saying "jigga" is worth ten of them.
[Jermaine Dupri] "Jigga, I don't like it if it don't gleam clean"
So I guess if Jermaine has a Ferrari that's not shiny, it's not enough. OK. Fine. I'm not going to be too hard on him. I was really hard on him during the first verse. I should ease up. I'm the one who has to be more tolerant. I have to be the tolerant person. I'm a tolerant person. So he's driving a car, switching lanes, and screaming out "money ain't a thang." Honestly, it's starting to piss me off. But it's OK. So he's yelling out "money ain't a thang." I'm going to tolerate it. I'm still going to kick his ass. But I'm going to have a much different attitude. Not during the ass kicking, but afterwards. Does that count as being tolerant? I'm going to kick his ass, and then think to myself, "You know what? I'm a tolerant guy."
"And to hell with the price / cause the money ain't a thang"
So he's saying that he has a lot of money. Or that he's financially irreponsible: he spends a ton of money even though he doesn't make that much. Because money ain't a thang.
Is this guy broke now? I think he is. I think I heard something about him being broke. Let me find out. Let me Google it.
Yup. He's broke. He had to save his Atlanta mansion from foreclosure, and he owes a lot in taxes. I guess we foresaw that with this song. "And to hell with the price / cause the money ain't a thang." I'll bet he has a much different attitude now. He should put out a part two. "Maybe money is a thang. I changed my mind." Or who knows? Maybe he still doesn't give a shit. He owes millions of dollars, but he's saying, "Money ain't a thang. I don't give a shit." That's also a possibility.
Either way, I want Jermaine to keep his mansion. I'll chip in a dollar.
[Jay-Z] "Put it down hard for my dogs that's locked in the bang / When you hit the bricks, new whips / Money ain't a thang"
I'm not 100% sure what Jay-Z is saying here. I'm going to call him up and ask him. Can I find his phone number with Google?
[Jermaine Dupri] "Come on, y'all wanna floss wit us"
I think flossing is spending money extravagantly. "Y'all wanna floss wit us?" Is Jermaine Dupri asking me? What am I going to do? I don't have any money. Is he saying that he and Jay-Z will pay for me?
Jermaine, Jay. If I hang out with you guys, will you give me $100,000 to floss?
OK. Yes. I want to floss with you guys. I accept your invitation.
But I guess Jermaine Dupri's broke now. He can't afford to fund my flossing. So I'll floss with Jay-Z. What's his phone number? Google isn't showing it.
"Cause all across the ball we burn it up"
I guess the ball is earth. And they burn money. Or rubber. Or both. They burn money and rubber. Simultaneously. Jermaine Dupri's switching four lanes and he's ordering four Rolexes. "I switch four lanes, I spend four million. Just like that. Money ain't a thang." There we go. Money Ain't a Thang, Part Two. You guys can use that if you want.
"Drop a little paper, baby toss it up."
When he says a little, he means a lot. This guy has never dropped a little paper. It's always a lot. Has this guy ever bought something with a one dollar bill? "What's that? Wrigley's gum? 25 cents? F--- that. I want the $200 gum. Find me some $200 gum. Money ain't a thang. I want to floss it up."