Isn't racism confusing? How does someone decide how racist to be, and how much to hate other races?
My neighbor Jim is the son of a racist father and a non-racist mother. He'll tell you, "White power. But not too much power. You gotta have a like a dozen blacks in Congress, and maybe even a Jew here and a Mexican there. A spoonful of Mexican makes the medicine go down." His sister used to date a guy who's half black. And Jim thought, "He's half black, I'm half racist." Then he went up to the guy and said, "I hate you a quarter. Let me put it this way. If you marry my sister, I'll go to the wedding, put a burning cross on your cake, congratulate the two of you, wish you the best, and be the godfather to your kids--as long as they're not darker than Tiger Woods."
And then there's my neighbor Jim. He's a hipster racist. "Tokelauans are ruining our country." [Me:] "Uh... What the hell is a Tokelauan?" [Tom:] "People from Tokelau." [Me:] "Toke-what??" [Tom:] "It's tiny island country in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. And two people from there live in America. They run a pottery store in Boise. Those damn Islakelauggers. By the way--that's a racial epithet for Tokelauans."
How come there's no such thing as a racist person who's positive and unhateful when it comes to his racism? As in, "Whites are better than Asians and Mexicans. Asians and Mexicans are better than blacks and Jews. And blacks and Jews are alright! I like them. I'm a very positive guy. I even drink a little Manischewitz and malt liquor on Hanukah and Kwanzaa."
My neighbor Cal is black, and he's convinced that America's sole purpose of existing is to be racist towards black people. He'll say, "Do you think white people have to pay income and sales tax? They say they pay taxes--but they don't. Instead of being charged taxes, white people get a bonus for being white. It's like a Christmas bonus--only white people get it every day. December 25--bonus. January 8--bonus. August 15--bonus. You think white people peel oranges? Oranges are peeled for them. If you're caught with crack cocaine, the government will put you in prison. If you're caught with cocaine, the government will give you a $23 ticket. And it just so happens that white people use cocaine, and black people use crack. Black people are in prison for crack, while white people are out free doing cocaine, playing golf, shopping at Bloomingdale's, and saying, 'It's a good thing we put those negroes in prison.' All white people consider black people to be a problem. And I mean 'problem' with a capital N--for the N-word. Now--I'm not saying I hate white people. I'm just saying that the government should give me a 40 acre plantation, and 40 white slaves to work on it."
There's also my neighbor Ashton. He's white, and he's on a mission to combat racism against black people. He'll tell you, "The NBA is racist. The home team always wears white jerseys, while the away team always wears colored jerseys. It's like the league is saying, 'White people are home in America, while colored people should go away to Africa.' Unbelievable! And whites make up 15% of the world--but they're 25% of the NBA. 25 minus 15 equals 10 racisms. I'll bet NBA stands for No Blacks Allowed. We need some affirmative action. Any time a white player misses two free throws, he should be sent to Nigeria as a slave. And how come computer keyboards have a W in the first row, and a B in the third row? It's like they're saying, 'Whites are first class citizens, blacks are third class citizens.' We need some affirmative action. Let's force people to use their keyboards upside down. And how come there are so many white people on BET? BET? It's more like JCN: The Jim Crow Network. We need some affirmative action. Any time you turn on BET, there should be wall-to-wall black people with their teeth hidden, so you won't have to see anything white. And how come there are only 3 channels for black entertainment, and 997 channels for white entertainment? Not to mention the fact that we all live on WEE: White Entertainment Earth."
Every two weeks or so, a celebrity says something that's racially insensitive, and then the public gets pissed off at him. "Flag on the play. Racism, number 34, Kramer. 10 yard penalty." I run a service that prevents celebrities from saying the wrong thing. Yesterday, one of my clients was on The View. He told Barbara Walters, "I think that affirmative action is un..." And then I ran up to him and tased him. Being tased is better than being blacklisted. That's my company's slogan. We also produce TV specials that repair the image of celebrities who've already crossed the line. Pretty soon you'll turn on your TV and see something like, "The Mel Gibson Chanukah and Kwanzaa Special--featuring guest appearances by Jimmy Kimmel and Kanye West." You're gonna love the part where Rabbi Goldstein circumcises Mel. And then 20 minutes later, Mel has labor pains, and he somehow gives birth to a black child that he names Malcom X, Jr.
How come the defintion of racism keeps on expanding to fit more things--like it has an inflation rate of 18%? Nowadays, just mentioning someone's race makes you sound racist. Because no matter how you bring up race, a lot of people will take it the wrong way. You say one thing, but they'll hear something else.
Like if you say, "Remember that black guy who used to live next door to us?" some people will hear you saying, "I can't stand black guys like the one who lived next door to us, or black guys like that troublemaker Martin Luther King, or black guys who have skin that isn't white. I'm just glad that black guy used to live next door to us. The day he moved, I got on a horse and went up and down my block throwing a parade--and I announced on a megaphone, 'Finally--we live in a negro-free neighborhood.'"
Or suppose you mention a guy named Mike, and someone asks you, "Which Mike are you talking about?" If you say, "The black Mike," some people will hear you saying, "The Mike that wants to steal my bike." So if someone asks you which Mike you're talking about, just reply, "I don't even know. I don't know which Mike is the black Mike, or the Mexican Mike, or the Chinese Mike--because when I come across Mike, I pay attention to the content of Mike's character, free at last, we shall overcome."
Here's another tip. If you say "African-American," make sure the person you're talking about is actually American. Because if you call a non-American person an "African-American," some people will hear you saying, "Are you sure that black guy on TV is Umbuta Maafala, Prime Minister of Nigeria? Because in my eyes, he's actually DeAndre Jenkins, Crackhead King of Detroit."
Also, if you're at a supermarket checkout stand, don't separate your groceries from a black peron's groceries. Otherise he might hear you saying, "See this rubber divider thing? I'm putting it here, so my cottage cheese and quiche aren't huddled together with your Kool-Aid and Kool cigarettes. I'm separating our groceries on this conveyor belt--because we don't have separate supermarkets, water fountains, and schools, the way I want, DeAndre. Is your name DeAndre? Yes. After all, you're a male negro, and I'm Grand Wizard of the KKK." One time, a black person used a divider to separate his items from mine. I just looked at him and said, "Shame on you. After everything Dr. King went through, you're going to pull a segregationist stunt like this?"
One more thing. Don't use the words "negro" or "colored." If you didn't know that already, then please head down the hall to Political Correctness 101, where they'll teach you things like, "Don't discuss affirmative action while burning an Obama effigy and holding a Confederate Flag on Martin Luther King Day."
OK. Now let's move on to Indians. When someone mentions an "Indian," you're not supposed to ask him which type of Indian he's talking about. Because no matter what you say, you'll end up sounding like a racist asshole. "Is he an Indian American, or an American Indian?" "Is he a brownish red Indian, or a reddish brown Indian?" "Does she have a dot on her forehead, or a feather in her hair?" "Do you mean the Indians you learn yoga from, or the ones you play blackjack against?"
My friend Chandler is a Navajo Indian. Yeah--his name is Chandler, and he's 100% Navajo. Do you have a problem with that? Anyways, one time I watched a football game with him. And whenever the announcers mentioned the Redskins, I turned to Chandler and said, "Sorry about that. And sorry the white man took your land and stuff. We should get a 10 yard penalty. You know what? We'll give you 10 extra yards of land on your reservations."
My friend Rajesh is the other kind of Indian. And I once gave him a 10 yard penalty... for being too much of an Indian stereotype. A lot of Indians are doctors or convenience store owners. Rajesh has a stethoscope and a Smith and Wesson--and he runs a convenience maternity ward. You walk in there while you're in labor, and you walk out ten minutes later with a baby, a Slurpee, a pack of Huggies, a pack of Camels, an umbilical cord, amd a Slim Jim. One thing they don't sell there is birth control.
In India itself, they really hate the convenience store stereotype. That's why all of their convenience stores are run by Koreans. And any time they show The Simpsons in India, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon is replaced with Achu Joong-Ki Soo-Hyun.
I'm a very politically correct person. Instead of just stopping at the assigned stuff, I go for extra credit. Like when I come across too many people fitting a racial stereotype, not only do I throw flag on the play, I also force those people to act less stereotypical. One time, I was watching a comedy show in Koreatown--and any time a Korean girl laughed, she covered her mouth with her hand, the way Korean girls are known to do. So when I noticed the girl next to me about to do that, I grabbed her wrists down and said, "Just laugh, Korean girl. Don't cover your mouth. I'm earning extra credit." Her boyfriend wasn't too happy with me. He did the typical Korean male thing, and challenged me to a Taekwondo fight. I had no choice but to throw a flag on the play. "Excessive Koreanness. 10 yard penalty."
Speaking of Koreans, don't associate them with Chinese people or Chinese culture. Because if you do, some people will hear you saying, "There are ten races in the world: white, black, Mexican, Muslim, Jew, communist, Indian, Indian, Chinese, and Eskimo." Chinese people and Koreans are actually two completely separate groups. In fact, Chinese people and other Chinese people are also two completely separate groups, It's racist to say that there are "Chinese people." Each "Chinese person" is his own race. Jet Li is a Jet Li person, and Yao Ming is a Yao Ming person. One more tip. Any time you see two Asian guys you know, tell them, "I've never mistaken one of you for the other, or assumed that either of you were good at math or bad at driving. I see the two of you as champion NASCAR drivers who both need help calculating a restaurant tip."