Before I get started, let me just say that you should be reading this in Arabic, and only Arabic. If this text isn’t in Arabic, you might as well be reading a blank piece of paper.
You got that? OK. Now, allow me to introduce myself.
I’m God—the Most Gracious and Merciful, the Most Merciful and Gracious, the Master of the Day of Judgment, the Master of the Day of Groundhog, and the… uh… you get the point.
I created the universe. And I revealed my way to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Jesus, and a bunch of other guys with beards.
But before I go on, let me make this 100% clear: I’m not Jesus. I mean, think about it: Do you honestly believe I’d make my one appearance on earth as long-haired sandal-wearing Jewish carpenter? Get real! I mean, that is so not my style. I sent Jesus to spread my message to mankind—but like a game of telephone, you corrupted his Gospel and turned it into some hippie religion. And those who say Jesus is the Son of God are sons of you know what in my book.
I’m the one to worship, and I’m the one to seek. I sent my religion to mankind through my Messenger—and now it’s up to you to obey Him and submit to Me.
O you who believe! Believe this: Believers who follow my way will end up in Heaven, while unbelievers who abandon my way will suffer in Hell.
What’s Hell like? Well, imagine yourself in Hawaii, eating fresh pineapple, and living with the girl or guy of your dreams. Hell is pretty much like that—except Hawaii is Detroit, the pineapple is sour goat milk, and your dream girl or guy is a gorilla giving you a root canal. And that’s the Heaven part of Hell. In the Hell part of Hell, Detroit is Iran, the sour goat milk is thicker than oatmeal, and the gorilla thinks you slept with his wife. On the plus side, however, you’ll get to meet a lot of interesting people—like Alexander the Overrated (better known as Alexander the Great to you), Genghis Khan, Napoleon, and the Jews behind your favorite movies and TV shows.
But all in all, you’re not going to have a very good time. And you can check your watch all you want—but you won’t be going anywhere.
Heaven, on the other hand, is kind of like a water park with a seventy two to one female to male ratio.
Male
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Unless you’re a homosexual male, in which case there will be a seventy two to one male to male ratio.
Male
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Or, wait a second—if you’re a homosexual, you can pretty much forget about going to Heaven. Unless you happen to be perfect in just about every other way. (By the way—women don’t really count)
Let me show you how it works. I judge everyone on a 1 to 5 scale. Praying five times a day counts for half a point, yelling “Death to America” five times a day counts for half a point, avoiding gay sex counts for one point, and believing in me counts for three points.
Five points can be redeemed for one entry to Heaven and one backstage pass. Four points will get you just the pass to Heaven. Three points are good for a ticket to Heaven’s Eternal Waiting Room, and an afterlifetime subscription to the Jewish Journal. Two points will get you into Hell. One point will get you into Hell's Hell.
And if you don’t have any points, I’ll reincarnate you as a typical Saudi Arabian housewife. (And if you somehow end up with negative points, you’ll also be engaged before you’re even born, married by age two, and pregnant with your sixteenth child before your fifteenth birthday.)
And don’t think you can con me into giving you points you don’t deserve. Don’t be like one of those people who says “I believe” without meaning it. As far as I’m concerned, those people can go to hell. In fact, they will go to hell. That’s how serious I am.
And know this: I know everything. Really. Test me. Ask me some questions.
What’s the capital of Texas? Austin. What’s the square root of 2? 1.414213562373095048801688724209698078569671875376948. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? 1.414213562373095048801688724209698078569671875376948 pounds per minute. Did OJ do it? No—he was framed by the apple juice industry.
Is the universe expanding? No—it only appears that way because the non-universe is contracting. What came first—the chicken or the egg? It was a tie.
Have I always existed? No, I have. Why did I create the universe? God told me to. Why did God tell me to? Because God told Him to. Can I create an object so heavy that even I can’t lift it? Not only can I create it, I can lift it an infinite number times.
I’m telling you—I really know everything. I even know what you’re thinking. Here—I’ll show you.
Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9. Add the new number’s digits together. Subtract 5. Convert the result to its corresponding letter in the alphabet (1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D, etc.) Think of a country that begins with your letter. Think of a land animal that begins with the second letter of that country’s name. And think of that animal playing dominoes in the country from the last step.
OK. I’m going to read your mind now. Drum roll, please. … OK. You’re thinking of a cat in Ecuador! No? How about a goat in Egypt? No? Um… a lion in El Salvador? Well—if you’re thinking of an elephant in Denmark, you must’ve made a math error. (And if you’re thinking of an ox in the Dominican Republic, odds are you’re way too obsessed with Albert Pujols.)
People who aren’t completely ignorant seek My guidance and devote their lives to submitting to Me. But those communist infidels who see my wondrous creation and claim that there is no God—they corrupt others, and really piss me off in the process (wink, wink—Richard Dawkins)
Now, there are some people who say, “We won’t believe in God without seeing some evidence first.”
You want evidence? OK. Look outside. Do you see a universe? Well there you go. The universe is evidence of My reality and power. What? You want more evidence? OK. I’m going to make you blink. … There. Did you see that? Are you satisfied now? No? Well, my next proof involves killing you—so I think you better just call it quits right now.
I created mankind. And now it’s up to you to follow my way.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “You’re the one who made me—so everything I do is ultimately your doing.”
Well, I beg to differ. (Actually, I’m God—I don’t need to beg. I just differ.) Why? Because I gave you the power to make decisions.
Adam disobeyed me, while Abraham used his mind to turn towards Me and receive my message.
Most other people, however, use their minds on vain pursuits and activities, like deciphering the Da Vinci code and working on Sudoku puzzles.
And on the Last Day, I’ll send down an earthquake and reveal all secrets, and you’ll be accountable for the good and evil you have done. I’ll even make you accountable for the good and evil you merely intended to do. And I’ll even make you accountable for the good and evil you wanted others to do—like the time you were hoping someone else would beat up the people responsible for those Muhammad cartoons. (By the way—that falls under the “good” category).
Oh yeah. One more thing. I’m going to put a few trillion dollars worth of oil under your land. Whatever you do, don’t sign any deals with the British.
The Bible
Recorded Teachings of the Buddha
Lao Tzu - Tao Te Ching
The Analects of Confucius
Teachings of Reality’s Only True Non-Existent God