Rodney Ohebsion

Rodney Ohebsion's Collection of Quotes and Proverbs



African Proverbs


A man who pays respect to the great paves his own way for greatness.


African Proverbs


Antonio Aguilar Quotes

comedian


When a fight breaks out, there are always those guys who are like, "Naw, I ain't getting involved. I ain't going back to jail." I'm like, "Naw, I ain't getting involved. I ain't going back to the hospital."


Woody Allen Quotes

comedian


My grandfather was a very insignificant man. At his funeral, his hearse followed the other cars.


I was watching a ballet at City Center, and I'm not a ballet fan at all, but they were doing The Dying Swan, and there was a rumor that some bookmakers had drifted into town from upstate New York, and that they had fixed the ballet. Apparently there was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.


American Proverbs


The road to the head lies through the heart. [In order to influence someone's mind, you should start by appealing to his emotional nature, desires, etc.]


Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan. [When something succeeds, many people take credit for it; but when something fails, they do the opposite.]


The opportunity of a lifetime is seldom so labeled.


We may give advice, but we cannot give conduct. [It's easy to give someone advice; it's seldom as easy to change what he does.]


A smile is worth a thousand words.


There’s no use asking the cow to pour you a glass of milk.


There are two sides to every story—and then there’s the truth. [Even after hearing both sides of a story, you still won't have the complete, reliable truth.]


American Proverbs


Jalon Anderson Quotes


A good lie contains 80% of the truth.


The world is a very complicated place with many layers to it. It is naive to dismiss something offhand that you really know nothing about, and you have never thought about until I posted about it a few days ago.


Jalon Anderson Quotes


Sherwood Anderson Quotes


General Grant had a simple, childlike [recipe] for meeting life ... “I am terribly afraid, but the other fellow is afraid, too.”


Antisthenes Quotes

(c444 BC-c365 BC) philosopher


The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. [We often see learning as a process of adding things--but in some ways, it can be more important to get rid of things.]


Arabic Proverbs


It’s better to have a thousand enemies outside of the tent than one inside the tent.


Arabic Proverbs


Armenian Proverbs


When someone’s wealth improves, his home’s columns suddenly appear crooked.


Armenian Proverbs


Bob Arum Quotes


Yesterday I was lying. Today I am telling the truth.


Mary Kay Ash Quotes

(1918-2001) businesswomen who founded cosmetics powerhouse Mary Kay Inc


There are two things people want more than sex and money... recognition and praise.


Mary Kay Ash Biography and Quotes


Geoffrey Asmus Quotes

comedian


(to audience) Don't worry, I'm not reading my jokes off this notecard. It's just a picture of my dad beating me, to remind me why I do this.


Sharon Atkins Quotes

receptionist at a large business establishment in the Midwest. In the early 1970s (when she was interviewed), she was 24, and her husband was a student


I was out of college, an English Lit. major. I looked around for copywriting jobs. The people they wanted had majored in journalism. Okay, the first myth that blew up in my face was that a college education will get you a job.

I changed my opinion of receptionist because now I am one. It wasn't the dumb broad at the front desk who took phone messages. She had to be something else because I thought I was something else. I was fine until there was a press party. We were having a fairly intelligent conversation. Then they asked me what I did. When I told them, they turned around and went to find other people with nametags. I wasn't worth bothering with. I wasn't being rejected because of what I had said or the way I talked, but simply because of my function. After that, I tried to make up other names for what I did-communications control, servomechanism. (Laughs.)

I don't think they'd ever hire a male receptionist. They'd have to pay him more, for one thing. You can't pay someone who does what I do very much. It isn't economically feasible. (Laughs.) You are there to filter people and to filter telephone calls. You're there to just handle the equipment. You're treated like a piece of equipment, like the telephone.

You come in at nine, open the door, you look at the piece of machinery, you plug in the headpiece. That's how my day begins. You tremble when you hear the first ring. After that, it's sort of downhill-unless there's someone who is either kind or nasty. The rest the people are just non, they don't exist. They're just voices. You answer calls, you connect them to others, that's it.

I don't have much contact with people. You can't see them. You don't know if they are laughing, if they're being satirical, or being kind. So your conversation come very abrupt. I noticed that in talking to people. My conversations would be very short and clipped, in short sentences, the way talk to people all day on the telephone.

I never answer the phone at home. It carries over. The way I talk to people on the phone has changed. Even when my mother calls, I don't talk to her for very long. I want to see people when I talk to them. But now, when I see them, I talk to them like I was talking on the telephone. It isn't a conscious process. I don't know what's happened. When I'm talking to someone at work. The telephone rings and the conversation is interrupted. So I never bother finishing sentences or finishing thoughts. I always have this feeling of interruption.

You can think about this thing and all of a sudden the phone rings and you've got to jump right back. There isn't a ten-minute break in the whole day that is quiet. I once worked at a punch press, when I was in high school. A part-time job. You sat there and watched it four, five hours. You could make up stories about people and finish them. But you can't do that when you've only got a few minutes. You can't pick it up after the telephone call. You can't think, you can't even finish a letter. So you do quickie things, like read a chapter in a short story. It has to be short-term stuff.

I notice people have asked me to slow down when I am talking. What I do all day is t say what I have to say as quickly as possible and switch the call to whoever it is going to. If I am talking to a friend, I have to make it quick before I get interrupted.

You try to fill up your time thinking about other things: what you are going to do on the weekend or about your family. You have to use your imagination. If you don't have a good one or you bore easily, you're in trouble. Just to fill in time, I write real bad poetry or letters to myself and to other people and never mail them. The letters are fantasies, sort of rambling, how I feel, how I depressed I am.

I do some drawings-Mandarin, sort of. Peaceful colors of red and blue. Very ordered life. I'd like to think of rainbows and mountains. I never draw humans. Things of nature, never people. I always dream I'm alone and things are quiet. I call it the land of no-phone, where there isn't any machines telling me where I have to be every minute.

... Your job doesn't mean anything. Because you're just a little machine. A monkey could do what I do. It's really unfair to ask someone to do that.

...You have to lie for other people. That's another thing: having to make up stories for them if they don't want to talk to someone on the telephone. At first, I'd feel embarrassed and I'd feel they knew I was lying. There was a sense of emptiness. There'd be a silence, and I'd feel guilty. At first I'd try to think of a euphemism for "He's not here." It really bothered me. Then I got tired of doing it, so I'd just say, "He's not here." You're not looking at the person; you're talking to him over an instrument. (Laughs.) So after a while it doesn't really matter. The first time it was live. The person was there. I'm sure I blushed. He probably knew I was lying. And I think he understood I was just the instrument, not the source.

Until recently, I'd cry in the morning. I didn't want to get up. I'd dread Fridays because Monday was always looming over me. Another five days ahead of me. There never seemed to be any end to it. Why am I doing this? Yet I dread looking for other jobs. I don't like filling out forms and taking typing tests. I remember on applications, I'd put down, "I'd like to deal with the public." (Laughs.) Well, I don't want to deal with the public anymore.

I take the bus to work. That was my big decision. I had to go to work and do what everyone else told me to do, but I could decide whether to take the bus or the el. To me, that was the big choice. Those are the only kinds of decisions you make and they become very important to you.

Very few people talk on the bus going home. Sort of sit there and look dejected. Stare out the window, pull out their newspaper, or push other people. You feel tense, until the bus empties out or you get home. Because things happen to you all day long, things that you can't get rid of. So they build up and everyone is feeding them to each other on the bus. There didn't seem to be any kind of relief about going home. It was: Boy! Did I have a lot of garbage to put with!

One minute to five o'clock is a moment of triumph. You physically turn off the machine that has dictated to you all day long. You put it in a drawer and that's it. You're your own man for a few hours. Then it calls to you every morning and you have to come back to it.

I don't know what I'd like to do. That's what hurts the most. That's why I can't quit the job. I really don't know what talents I may have. And I don't know where to go to find out. I've been fostered for so long by school and didn't have time to think about it.

My father's in watch repair. That's always interested me, working with my hands, and independent. I don't think I'd mind going back and learning something, taking a piece of furniture and refinishing it. The type of job people aren't telling you what to do every minute of the day.


William Walker Atkinson Quotes

(1862-1932) New Thought philosopher


Man need not be a slave or creature of his Desires if he will assert his Mastery. He may control, regulate, govern and guide his Desires in any directions that he pleases. Nay, more, he may even CREATE DESIRES by an action of his Will…


William Walker Atkinson Biography and Quotes


Dave Attell Quotes

(1965-) stand-up comedian


They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? "Don't worry, honey. Just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport!"


St. Augustine Quotes

(354-430) philosopher and Christian bishop


To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. [Sometimes it's easier to avoid something completely than to do it in moderation.]


Avasyaka Niryukti Quotes


Even limited knowledge of scriptures is beneficial to a person whose inner eye is opened, just as the light of even one lamp is sufficient to show the path to a person whose eyes are open. (99) [When we advance to a certain state, we can make much better use of our learning.]


Just as when the water becomes clearer, one is able to view the reflection with greater clarity, so when the self becomes inspired to know the reality, one starts acquiring knowledge with greater consistency. (1169)


Jainism


Avesta Quotes

Collection of Zoroastrian scriptures


Doing good to others is not a duty—it is a joy, for it increases your own health and happiness.


Hosea Ballou Quotes

(1771-1852) Universalist preacher


Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit!


Maria Bamford Quotes

(1970-) comedian


I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need and I refuse to share with others.


Arj Barker Quotes

comedian


I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.


PT Barnum Quotes


After securing the right vocation, you must be careful to select the proper location. You may have been cut out for a hotel keeper, and they say it requires a genius to "know how to keep a hotel." You might conduct a hotel like clock-work, and provide satisfactorily for five hundred guests every day; yet, if you should locate your house in a small village where there is no railroad communication or public travel, the location would be your ruin. It is equally important that you do not commence business where there are already enough to meet all demands in the same occupation.

I remember a case which illustrates this subject. When I was in London in 1858, I was passing down Holborn with an English friend and came to the "penny shows." They had immense cartoons outside, portraying the wonderful curiosities to be seen "all for a penny." Being a little in the "show line" myself, I said "let us go in here." We soon found ourselves in the presence of the illustrious showman, and he proved to be the sharpest man in that line I had ever met. He told us some extraordinary stories in reference to his bearded ladies, his Albinos, and his Armadillos, which we could hardly believe, but thought it "better to believe it than look after the proof." He finally begged to call our attention to some wax statuary, and showed us a lot of the dirtiest and filthiest wax figures imaginable. They looked as if they had not seen water since the Deluge.

"What is there so wonderful about your statuary?" I asked.

"I beg you not to speak so satirically," he replied, "Sir, these are not Madam Tussaud's wax figures, all covered with gilt and tinsel and imitation diamonds, and copied from engravings and photographs. Mine, sir, were taken from life. Whenever you look upon one of those figures, you may consider that you are looking upon the living individual."

Glancing casually at them, I saw one labelled "Henry VIII," and feeling a little curious upon seeing that it looked like Calvin Edson, the living skeleton, I said: "Do you call that 'Henry the Eighth?'"

He replied, "Certainly, sir; it was taken from life at Hampton Court, by special order of his majesty, on such a day."

He would have given the hour of the day if I had insisted; I said, "Everybody knows that 'Henry VIII.' was a great stout old king, and that figure is lean and lank; what do you say to that?"

"Why," he replied, "you would be lean and lank yourself, if you sat there as long as he has."

... I called upon him a couple of days afterwards; told him who I was, and said: "My friend, you are an excellent showman, but you have selected a bad location."

He replied, "This is true, sir; I feel that all my talents are thrown away; but what can I do?"

"You can go to America," I replied. "You can give full play to your faculties over there; you will find plenty of elbow-room in America; I will engage you for two years; after that you will be able to go on your own account."

He accepted my offer and remained two years in my New York Museum. He then went to New Orleans and carried on a traveling show business during the summer. To-day he is worth sixty thousand dollars, simply because he selected the right vocation and also secured the proper location.


They fancy they are so wonderfully economical in saving a half-penny where they ought to spend two pence, that they think they can afford to squander in other directions.


Basque Proverbs


A strong attack is half the battle won.


Alexander Graham Bell Quotes

inventor of the telephone


I felt then [back when I was trying to invent the telephone] that my difficulty was my lack of knowledge about electricity, but I now realize that I would never have brought forth the telephone if I had known anything about electricity, for no electrician would have tried what I tried. The advantage I had was that I had studied sound all my life and knew something of its nature, the shapes of the vibrations that pass through the air when you talk, and other facts about sound. I had to go to work, with the assistance of Mr. Watson, to learn about electricity by my own experiments. No electrician would have been foolish enough to attempt the ridiculous experiments we tried.


Edward Bernays Quotes

(1891-1995) advertiser, propagandist


We are governed, our minds molded, our tastes formed, our ideas suggested largely by men we have never heard of... [a] small number of persons... who understand the mental processes and social patterns of the masses.


If the public relations counsel can breathe the breath of life into an idea and make it take its place among other ideas and events, it will receive the public attention it merits. There can be no question of his "contaminating news at its source." He creates some of the day's events, which must compete in the editorial office with other events. Often the events which he creates may be specially acceptable to a newspaper's public and he may create them with that public in mind.


[P]hysical loneliness is a real terror to [people, and] ...association with the herd causes a feeling of security. In man this fear of loneliness creates a desire for identification with the herd in matters of opinion. ... [Nevertheless, once within the "herd," we still want to express our opinions. Therefore, the public relations counsel must] appeal to individualism [which] goes closely in hand with other instincts, such as self-display.


[M]en do not need to be actually gathered together in a public meeting or in a street riot, to be subject to the influences of mass psychology. Because man is by nature gregarious he feels himself to be member of a herd, even when he is alone in his room with the curtains drawn. His mind retains the patterns which have been stamped on it by the group influences. [Even when people are alone, they're not necessarily alone mentally. They have a strong desire to be part of a group. If a group isn't physically there in front of someone at the moment, he might still strongly identify with the group, and it can still have a major influence on his personality, tastes, attitude, etc.]


If you can influence the leaders, either with or without their conscious cooperation, you automatically influence the group which they sway.


Trotter and Le Bon concluded that the group mind does not think in the strict sense of the word. In place of thoughts it has impulses, habits and emotions.


[W]hen the example of the leader is not at hand and the herd must think for itself, it does so by means of clichés, pat words or images which stand for a whole group of ideas or experiences. Not many years ago, it was only necessary to tag a political candidate with the word interests to stampede millions of people into voting against him, because anything associated with "the interests" seemed necessary corrupt. Recently the word Bolshevik has performed a similar service for persons who wished to frighten the public away from a line of action. By playing upon a old cliché, or manipulating a new one, the propagandist can sometimes swing a whole mass group emotions.


[The] average citizen is the world’s most efficient censor. His own mind is the greatest barrier between him and the facts. His own 'logic proof compartments,' his own absolutism are the obstacles which prevent him from seeing in terms of experience and thought rather than in terms of group reaction.


It is evident that the successful propagandist must understand the true motives and not be content to accept the reasons which men give for what they do. [People don't necessarily know why they do things. And even when they do know why, they won't necessarily tell us.]


Propaganda is of no use to the politician unless he has something to say which the public, consciously or unconsciously, wants to hear.


[U]niversal literacy has given him [man] rubber stamps, rubber stamps inked with advertising slogans, with editorials, with published scientific data, with the trivialities of the tabloids and the platitudes of history, but quite innocent of original thought. Each man's rubber stamps are the duplicates of millions of others, so that when those millions are exposed to the same stimuli, all receive identical imprints. [It's uncommon for people to add original thought, but common for them to pass along something.]


Another interesting case of focusing public attention on the virtues of a product was shown in the case of gelatine. Its advantages in increasing the digestibility and nutritional value of milk were proven in the Mellon Institute of Industrial Research. The suggestion was made and carried out that to further this knowledge, gelatine be used by certain hospitals and school systems, to be tested out there. The favorable results of such tests were then projected to other leaders in the field with the result that they followed that group leadership and utilized gelatine for the scientific purposes which had been proven to be sound at the research institution. The idea carried momentum.


Business offers graphic examples of the effect that may be produced upon the public by interested groups, such as textile manufacturers losing their markets. This problem arose, not long ago, when the velvet manufacturers were facing ruin because their product had long been out of fashion. Analysis showed that it was impossible to revive a velvet fashion within America. Anatomical hunt for the vital spot! Paris! Obviously! But yes and no. Paris is the home of fashion. Lyons is the home of silk. The attack had to be made at the source. It was determined to substitute purpose for chance and to utilize the regular sources for fashion distribution and to influence the public from these sources. A velvet fashion service, openly supported by the manufacturers, was organized. Its first function was to establish contact with the Lyons manufactories and the Paris couturiers to discover what they were doing, to encourage them to act on behalf of velvet, and to help in the proper exploitation of their wares. An intelligent Parisian was enlisted in the work. He visited Lanvin and Worth, Agnes and Patou, and others and induced them to use velvet in their gowns and hats. It was he who arranged for the distinguished Countess This or Duchess That to wear the hat or the gown. And as for the presentation of the idea to the public, the American buyer or the American woman of fashion was simply shown the velvet creations in the atelier of the dressmaker or the milliner. She bought the velvet because she liked it and because it was in fashion.

The editors of the American magazines and fashion reporters of the American newspapers, likewise subjected to the actual (although created) circumstance, reflected it in their news, which, in turn, subjected the buyer and the consumer here to the same influences. The result was that what was at first a trickle of velvet became a flood. A demand was slowly, but deliberately, created in Paris and America. A big department store, aiming to be a style leader, advertised velvet gowns and hats on the authority of the French couturiers, and quoted original cables received from them. The echo of the new style note was heard from hundreds of department stores throughout the country which wanted to be style leaders too. Bulletins followed despatches. The mail followed the cables. And the American woman traveler appeared before the ship news photographers in velvet gown and hat.

The created circumstances had their effect. "Fickle fashion has veered to velvet," was one newspaper comment. And the industry in the United States again kept thousands busy.


In some departments of our daily life, in which we imagine ourselves free agents, we are ruled by dictators exercising great power. A man buying a suit of clothes imagines that he is choosing, according to his taste and his personality, the kind of garment which he prefers. In reality, he may be obeying the orders of an anonymous gentleman tailor in London. This personage is the silent partner in a modest tailoring establishment, which is patronized by gentlemen of fashion and princes of the blood. He suggests to British noblemen and others a blue cloth instead of gray, two buttons instead of three, or sleeves a quarter of an inch narrower than last season. The distinguished customer approves of the idea.

But how does this fact affect John Smith of Topeka?

The gentleman tailor is under contract with a certain large American firm, which manufactures men's suits, to send them instantly the designs of the suits chosen by the leaders of London fashion. Upon receiving the designs, with specifications as to color, weight and texture, the firm immediately places an order with the cloth makers for several hundred thousand dollars' worth of cloth. The suits made up according to the specifications are then advertised as the latest fashion. The fashionable men in New York, Chicago, Boston and Philadelphia wear them. And the Topeka man, recognizing this leadership, does the same.


Small groups of persons can, and do, make the rest of us think what they please about a given subject. But there are usually proponents and opponents of every propaganda, both of whom are equally eager to convince the majority.


A man sits in his office deciding what stocks to buy. He imagines, no doubt, that he is planning his purchases according to his own judgment. In actual fact his judgment is a melange of impressions stamped on his mind by outside influences which unconsciously control his thought. He buys a certain railroad stock because it was in the headlines yesterday and hence is the one which comes most prominently to his mind; because he has a pleasant recollection of a good dinner on one of its fast trains; because it has a liberal labor policy, a reputation for honesty; because he has been told that J. P. Morgan owns some of its shares.


In Great Britain, during the war, the evacuation hospitals came in for a considerable amount of criticism because of the summary way in which they handled their wounded. It was assumed by the public that a hospital gives prolonged and conscientious attention to its patients. When the name was changed to evacuation posts the critical reaction vanished. No one expected more than an adequate emergency treatment from an institution so named. The cliche hospital was indelibly associated in the public mind with a certain picture. To persuade the public to discriminate between one type of hospital and another, to dissociate the cliche from the picture it evoked, would have been an impossible task. Instead, a new cliche automatically conditioned the public emotion toward these hospitals.


Men are rarely aware of the real reasons which motivate their actions. A man may believe that he buys a motor car because, after careful study of the technical features of all makes on the market, he has concluded that this is the best. He is almost certainly fooling himself. He bought it, perhaps, because a friend whose financial acumen he respects bought one last week; or because his neighbors believed he was not able to afford a car of that class; or because its colors are those of his college fraternity.


It is chiefly the psychologists of the school of Freud who have pointed out that many of man's thoughts and actions are compensatory substitutes for desires which he has been obliged to suppress. A thing may be desired not for its intrinsic worth or usefulness, but because he has unconsciously come to see in it a symbol of something else, the desire for which he is ashamed to admit to himself. A man buying a car may think he wants it for purposes of locomotion, whereas the fact may be that he would really prefer not to be burdened with it, and would rather walk for the sake of his health. He may really want it because it is a symbol of social position, an evidence of his success in business, or a means of pleasing his wife.

This general principle, that men are very largely actuated bv motives which they conceal from themselves, is as true of mass as of individual psychology. It is evident that the successful propagandist must understand the true motives and not be content to accept the reasons which men give for what they do.


Bhutanese Proverbs


On the battlefield, there's no distinction between upper and lower class.


You must first walk around a little before you can understand the distance from the valley to the mountain.


Josh Billings Quotes

(1818-1885) humorist and philosopher


As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. [There's not much truth out there in the world--and there's even less of a demand for it. Even though truth is rare, there's still more of it than people want.]


Black Elk Quotes

(1863-1950) holy man


Grown men can learn from very little children—for the hearts of little children are pure. Therefore, the Great Spirit may show them many things that older people miss.


Lewis Black Quotes


I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!" ... That was the first job I ever had.


The weirdest thing is if I'm with a group of my friends who are my age. If you listen to us talk, it's like verbal charades. "I saw that movie. I saw that movie, you know, the movie you told me to see. The one you told me to see, I saw that movie. You know, the movie, the one you told me to see. I saw the movie. The one you told me to see. You told me to see the fucking movie. The one with the guy. You know. The guy. The guy. We liked the guy, then we didn't like the guy, then we liked him, then we don't like him. You know. The guy who goes out with the girl. You know the girl. Son of a bitch. No, no, not a moose--a bunny, " That conversation can go on for days. To others it sounds like, "Holy shit, these people don't know what we're talking about." We know exactly what we're talking about. 0We just can't remember any names anymore.


Our message for the ages is, "60 isn't old. 60 is the new 40." No--it's not, asshole. 60 is 60, and 40 is 40. That's why they're different fucking numbers!


Napoleon Bonaparte Quotes

(1769-1821) French emperor


The best cure for the body is a quiet mind.


A leader is a dealer in hope.


Power is founded upon opinion.


Nothing is more important in war than unity in command.


There are no precise or fixed rules. Everything depends upon the character nature has bestowed upon the general, on his qualities and faults, on the character of the troops, on the range of arms, on the season, and on a thousand circumstances that are never the same.


War is composed of nothing but accidents, and, although holding to general principles, a general should never lose sight of everything to enable him to profit from these accidents; that is the mark of genius. In war there is but one favorable moment; the great art is to seize it.


In war, nothing is accomplished except through calculation… If I take so many precautions, it is because my habit is to leave nothing to chance.


The art of being sometimes audacious and sometimes very prudent is the secret of success.


A general should say to himself many times a day: “If the hostile army were to make its appearance in front, on my right, or on my left, what should I do?” And is he is embarrassed, his arrangements are bad; there is something wrong. He must rectify his mistake.


Napoleon Bonaparte Quotes


Frankie Boyle Quotes

comedian


They're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.


[On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen:] I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.


Brhatkalpa-bhasya Quotes


A person in solitude is subject to all kinds of doubts and uncertainties at every moment. Hence, the company of the holy and virtuous should be sought. (5719)


David Brinkley Quotes

(1920-2003) broadcast journalist


People have the illusion that all over the world, all the time, all kinds of fantastic things are happening; when in fact, over most of the world, most of the time, nothing is happening. [The public promotes the illusion that the world is filled with interesting occurences.]


A. Whitney Brown Quotes

(1952-) comedian


I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.


There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.


Jean de la Bruyere Quotes

(1645-1696) writer


The great gift of conversation is less about displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. Anyone who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is very well pleased with you.


You think he is your dupe; but if he pretends to be so, then who is the greater dupe: him or you? [Sometimes Person A thinks he's deceiving Person B, when in fact, Person B is pretending to be deceived.]


Buddha Quotes

(563 BC-483 BC) founder of Buddhism


[T]o satisfy the necessities of life is not evil. To keep the body in good health is a duty, for otherwise we shall not be able to trim the lamp of wisdom, and keep our mind strong and clear.


The man who walks in the noble path lives in the world, and yet his heart is not defiled by worldly desires. [You don't have to be removed from the world in order to purify yourself.]


The wise man will use the light he has to receive more light. He will constantly advance in the knowledge of truth.


As a fletcher makes straight his arrow, a wise man makes straight his trembling and unsteady thought, which is difficult to guard, difficult to hold back.


Let the wise man guard his thoughts, for they are difficult to perceive, very artful, and they rush wherever they list: thoughts well guarded bring happiness.


A day of virtue and reflection is better than a hundred years of ignorance and unrestraint.


A day of courage and earnest striving is better than a hundred years of idleness and weakness.


Let no one think lightly of evil, saying in his heart: "It will not come to me." As water drop by drop fills a jar, the foolish person soon becomes full of evil, even as he gathers it little by little. Let no one think lightly of good work, saying in his heart: "It will not come to me." As water drop by drop fills a jar, the wise person soon becomes full of goodness, even as he gathers it little by little.


If by forsaking a small pleasure one finds a greater pleasure, he who is wise will leave the small and look for the great.


The disciples of Gotama are ever awake and vigilant, and their thoughts day and night are always set on the Dhamma, their law.


Buddha Quotes


Bulgarian Proverbs


A gentle word opens an iron gate.


Hannibal Buress Quotes


I want to be a gangsta. I do. I want to be a crip--but minus, like, the gang-banging and shooting people. 'Cause if you take all that away, it seems like they just dance and go to barbecues all the time. They just have a lot of fun. It's a gala. "Hey, cuz, pass the potato salad, man. This barbecue is great. You want to go bandana shopping after this? I really enjoy being a crip. The camaraderie is my favorite "


Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open. And then he has to step out and come around and close that door. And while he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors--and we just go around and around and around, and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life.


Burkinabe Proverbs


If you haven’t been to two different bazaars, you don’t know the best value.


Bill Burr Quotes

comedian


You can't say hi to kids anymore. ... I like making faces at them on the airplane, making them laugh. Now parents are like, "Is that a sex offender?" They start huddling their kids in, making me feel like a freak. I'm terrified of kids now. Remember back in the day when a kid would come walking up to you? You could pat him on the head. "Hey there, Rusty. How you doing?" Right? Now a kid comes walking up, I'm like, "Dude, get that thing the fuck away from me."


I think it's weird how human beings, we're trying to control the population of animals. Like, any time the deer population gets out of control, some dude will literally get on TV and be like, "Alright. The deer population is up to about 1,700, 1,800. Realistically, we need to get that number down to about five, six of them--alright? So starting tomorrow, if you got a gun, fucking shoot one in the face." [They don't do that with people.] You could have 15 kids, have a 16th on the way. No one's gonna get on TV and be like, "Alright. Paul is still fucking. Starting tomorrow, if you got a gun, fucking shoot him in the face."


I'm halfway through my life at this age, and I've been an angry son of a bitch. And I've got to turn this around, man. I'm embarrassed with my... I don't want to be that guy. You die as the angry guy. That's the worst dude to die as. Because then people have got to try to think of happy shit to say about you at your funeral. They're just sitting there like, "You know--he always paid his bills on time. You know. You've got to give him that. You know. God damn it--you gave this guy a bill, he paid it. This guy was a bill-paying son of a bitch. Ironed his shirts. I... I got nothing. I don't know what else to say about the guy."


Either I'm gonna get married, or I'm just gonna end up being that creepy old guy, hanging out in a bar, red chest hair hanging out. ... I think I just stayed single too long, man. It's just brutal. There's a critical point when you stay single too long, and when your brain switches from, "You know, don't say that," to, "Eh, fuck it. Say it. See what happens."


Recently, my girl took me to a street fair. ... It's a typical girlfriend idea. It sucks, and it's gonna take all Saturday. ... [I tell her:] "I'm gonna go get some air, OK?" Even though we're outside, I think there's more air to be had. No--'cause I felt it. I was gonna snap. I literally walked two, three tables away. There was this lady standing there with this big table and nothing but muffins. Homemade muffins. ... She's got this big, stupid "Hey, look at the muffins I made" look in her face. And the second I saw that shit, that part of my brain was just like, "Dude, what would happen if you just came up and just said, 'Hey lady, are these your muffins?' and just started going fucking [smashes muffins with fist] wham, wham, bam, bam, bam." Like, how many of these muffins could I mush before anybody did anything? I mean, realistically, I think I could've got the whole table. 'Cause even if you saw me doing that shit, it would take at least five to six seconds to process. Like, "Did they say he could do that? Is it, like, a game? Do you eat the muffin off your fist? That just seems like a waste of muffin." Dude, there's no security at shit like that. There's no dude standing there. "He's mushing the muffins. OK, I'm on it." ... ... If I never broke eye contact the second I started hitting those things, that girl wouldn't even have been able to call for help. I would've been in her head. It would've been too personal. She'd be like, "Did I go to high school with this guy? Why would you do that? Muffins are a happy food."


I don't want to come off here like I'm some woman-hater...[but] I just find them to be relentless. Just, every day, they just, they just got to come at you. They just wake up. They have an agenda. They're like these psycho robots that never run out of batteries. ... Every day, it's like waves hitting the beach. Every day, just eroding a little more of your life away. Just waking up inch by inch, every day, just: "Why are you hanging out with him? He drinks too much. Where'd you buy that? That's ugly. Throw it out!" Till one day, you're just hanging out in the middle of a lagoon, just floating there with your baseball cards, and waving to your friends back on the shore. "Dude, get me tickets! I still like sports! Oh, here she comes. Here she comes. Hey, honey, how you doing?"


There's no physical ramifications for being an asshole when you're a woman. Do you know how much of a dick I would be if it was socially unacceptable to kick the shit out of me? Dude, I would be trashing everybody I saw. See some big muscle-bound guy. [Bodybuilder:] "Eh--I go to the fucking gym." Slap his protein shake out of his hand [and say], "Hey--go fuck yourself!" But I can't do that. Every guy has a line--and if I cross the line, I get blasted in the face. ... But with women, there's no line. ...They could do stuff worthy of a suplex, and they'll just stand right next to it. ...They'll light your clothes on fire. They're like, "Tada! I did that shit. Oh yeah! And I was so proud of my work, I stuck around to see your reaction. I invited a couple of friends to heckle you as you try to stomp it out with your bare feet."


It took me four trips to go to the supermarket to finally be able to buy this goddamned pumpkin. Because every time I would walk in there to get it, I'd be thinking all these happy thoughts. "This is a great thing. I'm embracing the holidays. It's gonna bring me and my girlfriend together. This is a very loving thing to do." And I reach out and grab it, and all I hear in the back of my head is, "What are you, a fag?" And then immediately, I had to turn around and walk out. ... This is how it works with guys. Any time you do anything remotely sensitive, heartwarming, anything that's gonna make you more of a loving, caring individual, immediately, all your guy friends suggest that maybe, just maybe, you want to suck a dick. Oh, it's brutal. Even if you do something smart. Like it's raining out. "He's got an umbrella! What a fag! Oh my God! What are you, afraid of the water? Put your shoulders up, you fucking homo! Jesus Christ! What--did you pull that thing out of your ass? " Oh, it's brutal. It doesn't even have to make sense. "You carved a pumpkin? What are you going to do next--carve some guy's ass with your cock? What a fag! What--are you gonna blow a scarecrow? Dude, get away from me with your gay little pumpkin!" Oh, it's brutal. "Dude, what are you, a fag" is the reason why guys drop at 55 out of fucking nowhere. It's literally from five decades of just suppressing the urge to, like, hug a puppy, admit a baby's cute, say you want a cookie. You've just got to keep pushing it down, like, "Fuck them! I'm not sucking dick! I'm not sucking dick!" ... And then one day you're in a Denny's, and they forget to put bananas in your pancakes. You just have, like, an aneurism, and your head slams off that sticky table. And the last thing you hear before it all goes black is your friends go, "He got bananas in his pancakes! What a fag! Oh my God! It wasn't sweet enough with the syrup, you fairy?! Hey, bring another one over whole and shove it up his ass! Yeah, 'cause it looks like a dick, right? It looks like a dick. Yeah--I thought it, and then I said it. I'm awesome." Oh, it's a horrible, horrible way to live your life. You can't--you're just dying every day. Just every dumb thing that you can do as a guy, any stupid thing that's gonna shorten your life makes you more of a man. It's fucking zero degrees out. You don't have a coat on. "Dude--you cold?" You can't admit it. "No, I'm not cold. Dude--I'm not cold. I'm just thinking of something I really agree with." ... Go out to go see a sad movie, comes to the sad part. What do I do? She's [my girlfriend] crying. I've got to think of some funny shit. "Ah, what if somebody kicks Sean Penn in the balls right now?" I start laughing. And then they get mad at you. "How could you laugh during a time like this?" Because I'm not fucking allowed [to cry].


My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the " Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.


You know what? Douchebag of the week is anybody who goes out and does Christmas shopping and just gets a bunch of fucking gift certificates: “Here you go! You fucking figure out what you want! Here's some money.” Why don't you just come in, take a fucking handful of cash, and throw it on the floor like I'm some god damn whore, and watch me crawl around my hands and knees picking it up, you know? Like I just gave you a bad lap dance, but you've got enough money to not bitch to management.


I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to situate myself on the bed. I don't want to put my laptop in my lap, you know what I mean? Why would you? "Why won't you put it in your lap? It's called a laptop." This is why. Because it gives off radiation and I like my balls! I think the Illuminati came up with the laptop, and they know we're too stupid to stick it exactly where they want us to put it so they can thin out the fucking herd. So they go, with their evil voices: "Why don't we just call it a laptop? We call it the laptop, they put it in their lap, and they fucking die, the infidels."


I rented that movie Pride recently. It's about the first all-black swim team, and the difficulties they had to go through being the first all-black swim team. Let me ask you a question. How many of those "white people are evil" movies are they gonna make? It's like, it's all the way down to swimming. I'm starting to run out of white guilt. Those movies--they started off unbelievable. Started off with Roots. White guilt was at an all-time high. I could barely even watch it. I'm like, "Dude, I got it. My ancestors are evil, OK Please, please turn the channel, dude. Please turn the channel. They still hitting him? Fuck!--turn the channel. This is gonna be on all week? Jesus Christ--turn the channel." Then in the eighties, there was, like, a football movie. Then, like, Cuba Gooding wanted to be, like, a scuba diver. Remember that shit? And now, it's all the way down to swimming. And I got to admit, I don't think I give a fuck. You know? I'm not trying to be a dick--but it's a recreational activity. Plus, I've been in pools. There's been black people in the pool? I never saw any white guy trying to like fucking prevent people from getting into the pool. It's like, are they just making this shit up? I'm not being a dick here, either, OK? Just to clarify, you know. I just don't want anybody coming up to me after the show, like, [Redneck accent:] "You know, I was thinking it, then you fucking said it." I'm not saying that I don't think black people should be allowed to put on some speedos and go for a dip. I'm not saying that shit.

These movies, like, the characters aren't even believable. They always have to have the over-the-top, uninhibited white racist character. You know that guy? He's the guy, he's supposed to represent all the white evil? He's the dude they always have screaming during the movie trailer. They'll be like, "They were the first all black swim team." [White, racist character:] "Get out of the pool!" He's got a big vein in his forehead. He's just screaming shit, not even looking around. Dude, it's ridiculous. Real racism is quiet. It's subtle. People look around first. They make sure the coast is clear. There's disclaimers, like, "Dude, you know I'm not racist, but, uh, these" insert group name, followed by fucked-up conversation? That's how it goes down. Not just some guy just standing up--"There's negroes in the pool. Do you approve of this?"


Any time they do a movie about a group of people that thinks dumb shit about another group of people, it's always white dudes. Are white dudes the only ones who think ignorant shit about other people? No Mexican guy ever walked up to somebody from India like, "Dude, what the fuck is that? Is that, like, itchy? Does that bug you?" White dudes are the only ones walking around, "What--you guys don't eat cows? You bunch of fags. Well, then, why are you wearing sandals? This guy's wearing sandals. This guy's a fag!"


How many times are they gonna make that movie [where] ... a white person goes into the projects--[and] they just have to make a difference. They just made that movie again. ... It's like, did you even need to go see it? Let me guess. She shows up and they don't accept her. Then she goes home. She cries to her effeminate boyfriend who's wearing sweatpants and he's cooking something for some reason. And he convinces her to give it one more chance, right? So then she goes back down there, she starts drawing out their inner beauty. Next thing you know, they put a do rag on her and she starts fucking dancing--and it's just embarrassing for all races involved. For the love of God, stop making that fucking movie. Dude, the amount of times they made that movie, I would think I would know somebody white who actually did that shit. Just be like, "Eh--that's Mike. Yeah, he saves ghettos. Eh--it's what he does." ... It's just annoying after a while. And it always fucking works out too--any time the white person goes down there. I want to see a movie where it doesn't work out. Like, the white dude goes down there the first day, just gets the shit kicked out of him. Just leaving all negative. "You can't fucking help these people--you know?! You go down there, you try to do something nice! I couldn't get a goddamn word in! This is a $300 prescription!"


I love the 100-meter dash. There's always nine black dudes, and then that one token white guy in lane eight. And I'm just sitting there going, "Come on, man, one time. Just one time. Just win the bronze. Just do what you got to do." And the white dude always stays with them till, like, the first turn. Then he, like, fucking blows out a knee. Those other eight black dudes are like, [imitating whooshing]. Where's that white dude the next Olympics? He's up in the broadcast booth. His career is over. He's a commentator. "Yeah, it's gonna be a great race. Still can't feel my fucking leg"


When you ran away as a slave, you just didn't run to the end of the driveway and be like, "Eh, fuck that job," and start walking down the street. Dude, you had to like run through whole states. ... Those were the first [beep] triathletes. ... [And] there was no dude on the side of the road like, "Come on, man. Two more states, you're in Ohio. Suck it up, you're looking good."


Friends of mine'll be like, "Well, how come any time a black athlete does something, they say it's an athletic move; any time a white athlete does it, they say it's an intelligent move?" And it's like, well, fair enough, man. It just depends on what you're doing. If you read a defense, white or black, that's an intelligent move, right? But if you take off from the foul line, jump over nine other dudes, and throw the shit down, those other nine guys aren't standing there like, "Fuck!--why didn't I think of that shit?"


There's always three white dudes [sports analysts, commentators, and announcers], and the one white dude in the middle. ... The guy with the theory. ... "You know, it seems these, uh, these African-American athletes, they, uh, they seem to have this, uh, this quick twitch, uh, muscle fibre. You know, there's a slow twitch, " And the second the dude says that, the other two white dudes start sliding out of frame, like, "OK--this guy's getting fired, and I'm not gonna be part of this highlight. Nice knowing you, Ned." And the dude in the middle, he's just hell-bent on getting fired. He starts bringing up slavery. "Evidently, they were breeding the strongest man with the strongest woman, and the quick " And literally 20 minutes later, that dude's on tv. He's fired. He's crying. His family's standing there. He's got a box of shit with an Emmy sticking out. He's like, "I don't know what I said. I was just talking about the quick twitch and the slow twitch, and I was just trying to " No, I love that. I love seeing people mess up their careers like that.


How quiet was that limo ride home [from the Olympics] with Hitler? He was talking crazy shit when they were on the way there. They were all amped up. "We are going to dominate! " just going off. That whole ride home, they're just sitting there, all quiet. You're sitting next to an even angrier than usual Adolf Hitler. Trying to make some sort of small talk, like, "It is und nice day, isn't it? "


I'm fascinated with Hitler, man. I am. Just how the fuck that guy ever came in power. 'Cause does he ever look like he's in a good mood, in any of those clips? Every one's just, "[German gibberish]." Fucking hair's flapping around. There was nobody even in the beginning to be like, "Dude, is it me, or this guy's, this guy's a little crazy, huh? ... Crazy people can take over shit. ... [Regular people] just never say shit. You ever notice that? Like, you can be on a bus. 30 decent people. One crazy dude can take over the whole bus. Everybody's just sitting there. Everything's great. One guy's like, "Ah--Motherfucker!..." and just starts screaming. And the second that happens, all 30 people are like, "Ah!" He's, like, up against them. "Does he have hepatitus?" Everybody's freaking out. It's like, why doesn't everybody just pounce on the dude? I think every regular person should just have a chloroform rag right in their front shirt pocket. And the second any crazy shit happens, if you're behind it, it's on you. You just pull it out, and you take the guy down. Everybody jumps on him. You tie him up. Then you tattoo "Possibly the Next Hitler" across his forehead. You keep an eye on him.

No, but it's so hard. It's just hard to speak up. ... I was in a Target the other day... and I'm standing there with a buddy of mine. He's a bouncer. He's a bouncer in this really crazy bar, so he knows all these scumbags--and it just so happens that one of them just so happens to come walking through the Target. So my buddy, he goes to wave to him, like, "Hey--how's it going?" And rather than this guy being like, "Oh, you know, it's going pretty good," he just launches into this tirade about immigrants, right in the middle of Target. He's like, "How's it going? I'll tell you how it's going. These goddamn Mexicans keep coming to this country, taking all of the fucking jobs!" Immediately, everybody in line's like, "Ooh. M&Ms. Let's read the back of these for a while. Wow, look at that. Glucose. Is he still there? I'm not looking. I looked the last time. It's your turn to look. I am not looking." This guy was going off. Nobody did shit--including me. Including me. I wasn't looking at the guy. Even the people who worked at Target, they just kept ringing stuff up, like, "Ooh, three socks for a dollar. That's amazing. Think it's gonna rain out?" ... Dude, it was a classic chloroform moment. This guy, he was doing like a fucking Hitler open mic. He was just going off. ... Somebody should've just threw some Skittles on the ground, you take him out. That's it. It's over. But nobody did shit. You knew there was, like, one guy working at Target. Like, some crazy dude peeking out from the back, like, "I like this guy. This guy's making a lot of sense." He follows him out to the parking lot. They jump in his El Camino. Now there's two of them.


Leo Buscaglia Quotes

(1924-1998) self-help guru


Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which has the potential to turn a life around.


Lord George Gordon Noel Byron Quotes

(1788-1824) Poet


Truth is stranger than fiction. (“Don Juan”)


Louis C.K. Quotes


I grew up in Boston. And in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other, for no reason. They just beat the shit out of each other. But I kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. 'Cause in places where that doesn't happen, people are just too free. ... I was once on Venice Beach, and I'm jogging. And there's this guy rollerblading towards me. And he's got rollerblades on. And just a thong. Just a fucking thong. And it's just grabbing his dick and balls, and just fighting with it, going, "Aargh! Stay in there!" And then he's just totally naked otherwise. And he's got this Kenny G hair. And he's just rollerblading. Like, "I'm free!" And I actually had to stop jogging--'cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate this guy with. I had to just stand there, and go, "Ugh--you motherfucker! Now I have to know you exist, you piece of shit! Fucking go skate into an AIDS tree--you motherfucker."


I live in a nice building. I never lived in a nice place before. ... I’m not used to it... My first week in the building, about a year ago, I went down to the courtyard for the first time--and I didn’t look too good. You know, it was Sunday morning. That’s my least presentable hour. ... ... And then there’s this guy looking at me. I noticed he's looking at me from across the courtyard. And he’s all spiffy looking. He’s got brown shoes and he is looking at me like, "Hmmm." I can tell he was thinking I don’t live in the building. He thinks I just wandered in off the streets and sat in the courtyard. I can tell he’s thinking of coming over and dealing with me on his own. And I’m sitting there thinking like, "Oh, please to do that. Yes, please come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on." And I’m trying to look even more gross, and I’m like pulling up my shirt. And then I see him go, "Oh, no, that’s not going to do at all." And he comes over to me, “hmmmm,” and I’m like, "Yummm, yummm, yumm, yummm!" I’m so excited to have this thing, the confrontation where I’m not wrong at all and he thinks I am. So he comes over, says, "Excuse me, do you live in this building?" And I said, "No." Because why not start there? I said no. He goes, "Well then, what are you doing here?" And I said, "I just need to rest, I’m having a hard time." He says, "This is private property." And I said, "Well, I don’t really believe in that." You know, just the worst things I could say from his point of view, is basically all the things I was saying. And he goes, "Well, if you don’t leave, I’m going to talk to the doorman." I was like, "Can I just stay like five more hours?" So he’s, "Hmm, no." And he goes over to the doorman. And I see him talking about me to the doorman like this. And then I see the doorman going, "Oh, no--that guy lives here. It’s okay." And the look on his face, it was just so, it was the--this beautiful cocktail of anger and confusion. It’s like I had invented a new way to hurt somebody’s feelings. That’s how excited I was.


I always seem to get in trouble with people. I don't know what happens to me. I was in traffic once and the guy behind me lost his mind. Did that ever happen to you? The guy behind you in traffic just decides that you're the problem. It's you. I don't now what happened. I am sitting in this car. And, there's just, there's 50 cars ahead of me before any light. And the guy behind me just starts--beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I look at him. And he's honking just at me. He's amazed that I'm not going. He's going 'Go! Jesus!' Beep. 'Just go!' Screaming out his window at me. Like I'm driving all 50 cars there. You know. I'm I'm pushing them like shopping carts in a parking lot. What does he think? He keeps yelling 'Go!' And I'm trying to do that thing--'What? I can't--what do you want? What do you want, why are you...' But it just made him madder. He was like, 'Ulkhdslksdfhy!' He was like purple and crazy. I'm laughing at him, you know. Till he gets out of his car. He's one of these guys. Gets out of his car, comes up to my car, starts screaming at me, 'Move it! Move it!' What am I gonna, what am I gonna say back? What's going to be my argument that's gonna make them see clearly? 'Well I can't. Cause of all the cars. I'm not able to get through the cars. Cause they're solid. They're made of solid material. You know what I mean?' And he's gonna go, 'Oh yeah. Oh no. I didn't know they were solid. That's right. Yeah. You can't drive through the cars. I'll just go back to my car and wait. I'm sorry.' That's not gonna happen. But he kept yelling at me. So I just decided, you know what, I'm gonna argue with this guy. I'll argue with him. But I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not gonna have his argument. I'm gonna have mine. So he goes, 'Move it!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. And I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back now! I want it!' He got scared. Got back in his car, and he locked his doors. So, you know, that's what I do from now on.


I was driving in Manhattan. There’s traffic, nobody’s moving. The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. ... I decided that I’m gonna argue with this guy--but I’m gonna argue about something else. I’m not having his argument; I’m having mine. So he’s like, ‘Go!’ And I go, ‘Well give me back my jacket!’ And he stopped. I was like, ‘Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You’re stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!’


The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day, and said, "I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife." And I was thinking, "I'm not doing that. I'm definitely not doing it." But I thought, "Why just say, 'No! The hell with you!' and get fired? That's boring." Instead I said to him, "Yeah, OK. I'll do it." Then I didn't do it, and he came up to me later: "Did you scrape the gum off the tables?" I was like, "Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure." And later, he comes up, he goes, "You didn't scrape the gum off the tables?" I'm like, "Ah! No. Damn." "Are you gonna do it?" "Yeah, of course I'm gonna do it." Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.


I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."


I hate skinny people, because they don't empathize with fat guy problems. You ever have a skinny friend, and you try to tell him, "I just wish I could have one doughnut and fucking walk away. I wish I could do that. I wish I had the power to eat a doughnut." And your skinny friend's like, "Well, just eat the doughnut, then. What's the big deal? Just have a doughnut if you want one. Totally go ahead and have one. Just enjoy yourself and have a doughnut if you like them." Fuck you! You don't get it. It's a whole spiral that begins with a doughnut, and later I'm killing hookers, and I don't even remember what happened.


I'm buying a cinnabon at the airport I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? ... I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a cinnabon with a fork and knife, just [moans]. It was a shitty one, too. It was old. The dude at the thing, he was about to take it in and close, and I was like, "Uh-uh, no, no. Gimme--gimme that." And he didn't want to sell it to me. He was like, "This is very old. Please don't buy. Don't buy." I was like, "Dude, I'm eating that. That's what's gonna happen next. You decide if we're gonna be in the paper tomorrow, but that shit's going in my face. I already made the shitty decision. Don't ruin it."


I weighed myself today. I don't know why. I'm not using the information. It's not guiding my behavior. Why am I bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit I am?


He [my doctor] starts asking me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, like there's a pattern. It's just chaos and awfulness. It's just desperate constant... He's like, "How many meals..." and [I respond:] "I have no idea. It's just a blur. I'm just shitting and eating all day. I fill--pack my body to capacity and then blow it out my asshole. That's it. Every shit is an emergency. Does that give you some idea?" ... "Well, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop?" I'm like, " ... The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself."


[Black people have slavery. And] white people have our own thing--stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it’s pretty even.


People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."


I've started to just kind of hate people. And it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's just recreation. Like when you're at the bank, and you've got nothing to do while you're waiting in line--so you just pick people to hate while you're waiting. You just look at someone and form an opinion. With no information. And it's never positive. Who fucking wastes their time? "Oh, I bet he's a hard worker!" Who thinks about that shit? Skip over those people. Then you find a guy. "Oh, look at his shoes. What a fucking asshole. Oh, look at that piece of shit. I hope he dies today. Oh, God I hate him. Hate him!" You watch all the shit. "Yeah, fill it out, you fuck face. Fill it out. Yeah--you filled it out. I knew it! You suck!" He's just standing there. He has no idea you're just boiling with hate.

I feel people hating me sometimes. I was at the post office, and I'm at the line. It was one of those things where there's a long line and one window open. So everyone's just like "Aargh!" Everyone's mad. When you're in the line, you're in the hate group. You get to be part of the group. And you're all looking at each other going--like a silent movie of impatient people. Then there's always one person who breaks the silence; somebody who has an idea, you know, like, "They should open another window." Everybody's like, "Oh totally, I know. They don't even know. They don't even know how to do it." Then there's always an old lady who has a story. "I was here on Wednesday--and there was also a line like this." Holy shit! Really!? Oh my God! You fucking old lady! That's amazing! But anyway, then it's your turn at the window--and now everyone's looking at you. And you feel the scrutiny of how quickly you're mailing your shit. You start realizing how unimportant your package is. And you feel like they can tell. "Yeah, fuck, get out of there! You don't need to mail that right now!" And it's like if you do one little extra thing, like, "Do you have those stamps that have Jackie Robinson?" Behind you, you hear like, "Pff, Jesus! Fucking dude!" They put their shit down heavily, like, "Fuck--now, this motherfucker's going to make me stand here while he buys fucking stamps at the Post Office? Are you shitting me?"


I used to like people more. But now I have children, and that changes your life. ... Like, you spend a lot of time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people--I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other. Based on no criteria, by the way. They're the same size. They don't give a shit who they make me hang out with." My daughter had a play date the other day, and this kid comes over. And his father brings him. And his father brings his fucking face into my house. And I have to ask it questions for an hour and a half. "Ugh, what do you do? I don't care. God damn it. What other shit are you passing on to that little faggot you brought over here to play with my kid? I hate your son. I hate him. He smells. He gets too close. "Can I have raisins?" "Yes, you can have--just stand-- dude, I'm not--you're not mine. I don't love you. Do you understand? I don't have any--no love. None. I don't even have an instinct to protect you. I don't care if you die. I seriously--I won't feel anything if you die. I'll have to pretend."


We were playing hide and seek the other day, and we play by her [my daughter's] rules. That she invented. And do you know why? Because she sucks at hide and seek. ... When it's my turn to hide, she tells me where to hide! ... "Hide in the closet, Poppa." "But you're going to know where..." "HIDE IN THE CLOSET!" ... Now I'm standing in the closet like an asshole. She comes in, "I found you!" She's like shitty about it. "I found you!" And I'm like, "WOOOW, how did you figure out where you told me to fucking hide?" And then when she hides--this is her hiding. She goes over to a fucking wall, and does this. [Crouches slightly] She goes..." That's it! There's nothing here! What the fuck is this? Like this is some ninja invisibility crouch. ...

This is how things have gotten in my house. Okay. Here's a very good example of where it's gone. We're playing a version of hide and seek where my wife and I have to decide together where to look. She likes that. She's like "Mama, you tell Poppa where to look." ... She's over there hiding like this, just in plain sight. ... And my wife's like, "Why don't you look under the bed?" I'm like, "Okay, I'll look--she's not there!" Then she says, "Why don't you look in the linen closet?" "Okay." So I open the closet, She goes, "That's not the linen closet! We don't put that in there anymore." "Alright, fuckin' Jesus, I'll look in..." So I look in... "Why would she be in that closet? That closet has shelves. She can't stand in a shelf." "Well maybe she crawled in a shelf!" Now we're having a fight about where to look for this fucking kid who's standing right there!

She totally runs the house. I remember at Halloween, last year, couple of days before Halloween, my wife comes up to me and goes, like, "We have to get you a cat costume!" "No. No, we don't, actually" "No! We do! Because she thinks you're going to be a cat! I don't..." It's like she's got a guy with a gun in the other room. That's what it's like. "She thinks you're going to be a cat! I don't know how she got it in her head, but she's expecting you to be a cat on Halloween." I was like, "Well, go tell her to go fuck herself, because I'm not doing it."


You're in McDonald's... [Someone's] kid's eating french fries. And the kid asks a question, like, "Mama, why is the sky blue?" And she's like, "Just shut up and eat your french fries." And you think, "What a terrible mother! Why doesn't she answer her child? When I have a child, I will answer all of their questions! And open their minds to the wonders of the world!" Well guess what? You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You can't answer a kid's question. They don't accept any answer. A kid never goes, "Oh, thanks, I get it." They fucking never say that! They just keep coming, more questions, why? why? why? Until you don't even know who the fuck you are anymore at the end of the conversation. It's an insane deconstruction. ... This is my daughter the other day. "Poppa, why can't we go outside?" "Well, cuz it's raining." "Why?" "Well, water's coming out of the sky." "Why?" "Because it was in a cloud." "Why?" "Well. Clouds form when there's vapor." "Why?" "I don't know. I don't know any more things. Those are all the things I know." "Why?" "Because I'm stupid, okay? I'm stupid." "Why?" "Well--because I didn't pay attention in school. I went to school, but I didn't listen in class." "Why?" "Because I was high all the time. I smoked too much pot." "Why?"" Because my parents gave me no guidance, they didn't give a shit." "Why?" "Because they fucked in a car and had me and they resented me for taking their youth." "Why?" "Because they had bad morals, they just had no compass." "Why?" "Because they had bad parents..." It just keeps going like that. "Why?" "Because, fuck it, we're alone in the universe. Nobody gives a shit about us." I'm going to stop here to be polite to you for a second. But this goes on for hours and hours and it gets so weird and abstract. At the end it's like, "Why?" "Well, because some things are, and some things are not." "Why?" "Well because things that are not can't be!" "Why?" "Because then nothing wouldn't be! You can't have fuckin' nothing isn't! Everything is!" "Why?" "Because if nothing wasn't, there'd be fucking all kinds of shit that we don't--like giant ants with top hats dancing around. There's no room for all that shit!" "Why?" "Aw, fuck you! Eat your french fries you little shit, goddammit.


[My three year old daughter is] looking at her plate [of French toast and angrily panting.] ... 'Cause she needs to want something. There's nothing logical for her to want--so her brain has to go somewhere crazy. So she's looking at her plate. She goes, "I don't know which piece to eat!" ... I'm like, "Oh, I know, honey. That's hard. That's really hard. I'll just make a list of pros and cons for every piece, and I'll help you with it later." And I look at her, and she's walking towards me now with the plate just vertical with syrup fucking going on the floor. And she's like, "Help me! You're not helping!" And I'm standing there, looking at her. And I love her. And I'm proud of her in a way. 'Cause I know she'll never want for anything. She'll beat the shit out of people. She'll kill people for meat after the Apocalypse. She'll be one of those.

... I give her a Fig Newton, just to immobilize her, just to stop it. 'Cause she loves Fig Newtons. I go, "Here honey, have a Fig Newton." And she goes, "They’re not called Fig Newtons--they’re called Pig Newtons!" ... And I go, ‘No they’re not. They’re called Fig Newtons.’ ... She goes, "No! You don’t know. You don’t know! They’re called Pig Newtons!" And I just, I feel this rage building inside. Because it’s not that she’s wrong. She’s three. She’s entitled to be wrong. But it’s the fucking arrogance of this kid! No humility! No decent sense of self doubt. She’s not going, “Dad, I think those are Pig Newtons. Are you sure that you have it right?" She’s not saying, "Dad, I’m pretty sure those are Pig Newtons," which would be a little cunty, but acceptable. I could deal with that. She’s giving me nothing! "No, you don’t know! Those are pig N..." Really? I don’t know? I don’t know? Dude, I’m not even using my memory right now. I’m reading the fucking box that the shit came out of! ... And take a bite of the cookie. Does it taste like a pork cookie, motherfucker?"


I got this one here, the two-year-old. I'm carry[ing her]--she can walk, but she won't. She's a bullshitter, so I'm carrying her. ... And the pain in my shoulder is intense, and it's sending signals to my brain like, "You don't love her. just drop her. She doesn't matter." So I'm fighting that. On this side, I got the five-year-old like this. I hope it's her. I haven't looked back in about an hour. I'm just dragging somebody tiny, just through many strangers' thighs. ... And this [other] one is talking the whole time. The whole time, with a tiny voice, two feet off the ground. What, am I gonna listen to this shit? Really? What, am I gonna take a knee every two seconds? "What's that, sweetie? Go ahead. What's that? Uh-huh. What--excuse me, sir. Go ahead. It's fine. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes dogs are brown."


Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed into my mouth. Just [coughs]. Hit me right in the back of the throat. ... She did this, by the way, because she's trying to tell me a secret--and she thinks you tell secrets into people's mouths. ... And by the way, she's five. Five years old. What secret does she have that I really need to hear? Like she's gonna tell me a secret and I'm gonna go, "Holy shit, are you serious? Oh my God. Honey, I won't tell anybody. That is fucked up, though. Seriously? She got an abortion on Christmas Eve?"


Usually, [kids at school] need help opening a milk. ... We put it in this envelope that was invented by some Dutch asshole in 1773. ... The glue is vicious, so they have to pick at the corner and try to get it, and they end up drinking out of this finger-filth disease spout. So they can’t do it, and they raise their hand. And I do it for them. I’m not better at it. I just deal with the stress better than they do. I don't cry like a little bitch because I can't open my milk. I'm a man.


I play with my kids. Some people don't do that. They just take their kids to the park so they don't have to talk to them--and those kids kind of glom on to our shit. I'll be sitting at the park playing a fun game with my kids. And there's this woman on a bench. She's got her phone. And she's just staring at her phone. And her kid's like, "Mommy, talk to me." "Leave me alone. I'm trying to cheat on your father! Stop it!" And then the kid comes up to us, "Can I be in your family?" It's creepy.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid. Stop." I think that kid's dead. I don't know what happened.


Little boys in my kid's class, I hate them. I hate little boys. I'm like the opposite of a pedophile. I just hate-- There's one kid in my daughter's class who I hate so much. And it's really fucked up--because I'm 44, and I hate a six year old.... with a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. I've thought about him three times since I came out here. That's how much I really hate this kid. I'm going to tell you about him, and I have to make up a name because he's a real child who lives in this city... His name is just, Jezanthepuss. Let's just call him Jezanthepuss. ... He's in my daughter's class. They're in first grade. When we take our kids to class, there's a little procedure. You bring your kid to school and they have their backpack and their jacket. And they go to their cubby and take it all off and they put it in the cubby. Then they take their homework folder and their lunchbox and put them in the bins. Those are their little responsibilities. You help them do it so they'll, blah blah blah. But Jezanthepuss--when he comes in, he doesn't do none of that shit. He just walks in and just sheds it all. And his mom, his weak, piece of shit mom, picks it all up. I hate his mother. Because you hate a weak parent, when you're a parent. Because it's like, "You're raising Hitler, motherfucker! Do your job! Get in there!" ... When Jezanthepuss drops his shit, this bitch picks it up. She just goes, "He just... I'll get...I'll get it... And then I'll put it in the bins for him." And she puts it all away for him, which frees him up to punch other kids in the face. Because he's a shitty, horrible, violent child. One time I was at school, and I was volunteering at recess. It's something you do if you're a good parent, about once a month or whatever it is. You go to school, and you just stand there and you watch recess. You masturbate, whatever you want to do. ... Anyway, I'm watching recess. And recess is a trip. If you've never been to recess, it's intense. Because it's like the universe. You know if you watch the ocean crash, waves on the beach for a long time, you start feeling like you're understanding how everything works? That's what recess is like. Because every natural, chaotic energy is represented at recess. There's kids swirling around in these big roiling crazy things. There's one kid just spazzing out, just to some singularity kid. It's a binary system of two kids holding hands, and they're running and just clotheslining every child of a certain height. They're keeping a uniform height to the playground. So I'm watching recess. And I see Jezanthepuss. And he's walking with this evil--this kid is like evil stuck out of time. He's like--I always picture him in a gray fur coat with bones in it, and lots of rings from people that he killed, and just walking. And then I see my daughter and she's standing there, just by herself. And there's Jezanthepuss, and I know he's going for her. It was like an action movie thriller thing. And I think to myself, "I gotta go there and I gotta protect her." But then I thought, "Let him do a little something first. Let him do just a little something. Because I want this kid in my life. I want a reason. I want aerial photos of him doing some shit to my family that I can bring to the U.N. and get authority to waterboard this little motherfucker. I want to get him on a flight to Venezuela with an envelope on his head and duct tape and all that shit." So anyway, he goes for her, grabs her arm, starts twisting it. She goes, "Ahhh!" I run over. I'm just knocking kids over. I run, grab him. I look in his little face, and I go, "Listen to me, Jezanthepuss. If you ever, ever, in your life, touch her again..." And as I'm doing this I realize, "This is not cool that I'm doing this. This is totally inappropriate. It's really wrong. It's way over the top. It's too grown up." It's like he's a drug dealer in my building that I finally fucking--"This ends now, motherfucker--or I will cut you. I don't care." And he's--he starts crying pitifully. And I just, I really did this, I just walked away from him.


I took both my kids to the aquarium in Boston. And we were looking at this seal, or sea lion. I don't know which one. I don't care. I don't think they need to be separate things. I really don't. They don't care, and we don't care. There's, like, three scientists who give a shit what we call all those things. The scientists could go on TV tomorrow and say, "OK, everybody. From now on, seals and sea lions and walruses, and you know what, penguins are all seals now." And we would all be like, "Yeah, all right. Fine. Yes. Whatever, man."


Our kids go to her [my ex-wife] half the week, they come to me half the week. And I'm a good father. I'm an attentive, focused, and responsible father. Do you know why? 'Cause I get to say goodbye to these kids every week. Are you shitting me? It's like every parent's fantasy. Who can't be a good father for half of every week? No matter how bad it gets, every Wednesday, I get to go, "Goodbye, girls. Daddy's gonna go upstairs and pour whiskey all over his naked body right now. I'm gonna lay in my own filth until two seconds before you come back here."


This summer she [my daugher] got bit by a pony. ... How do you more break a little girl's heart than a pony bite? That's like being raped by Santa Claus. ... And there's all these websites that talk about what to do when your pony bites. And it's like everything else on the internet. It's just fighting, just people angry at each other. The first guy says, "You got to punch the pony right in the face. Just punch it right in the face." And the next person says, "You're a terrible person. You should have your ponies taken away from you." The next person was my favorite. They go, "People who don't punch their ponies make me sick." So we really are a divided nation.


I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"


The other day, she [my wife] got really mad at me. She said to me, "You know what you did? You filled the dishwasher with dishes, you put the soap in, and you didn't turn it on." And I'm like, "Aw, shit--what are we gonna do now?" But here's the part where she blows my mind. This is amazing--when she gets to this level. She says, "Well why didn't you turn it on?" Like I have a reason for not turning it on. I'm like, "Can't I just be stupid? Can't it just be that I'm a fucking idiot? That I filled the dishwasher, and then I went 'duuuuh'--and then I walked away?" I can live with that. I'm cool with that. But she says, "No--why did you do that?" Which means I decided not to do it. Do you know how much more of an asshole that makes me? That means I filled the dishwasher, and I went, "You know what? Fuck her--I ain't turning it on. She can suck my dick if she thinks I'm pressing that on button. I'll fill it--but I don't fucking press on. Not in my own house."


I was in one of those [grocery stores in Chinatown], and they had duck vaginas. I swear to God. A huge barrel of fucking duck vaginas--with a scoop stuck in it. ... I didn’t get any. Because I don’t want to know--what if I love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. It’s not like millions of things taste like a fucking duck vagina. Four in the morning. "I gotta have a duck vagina! Right now!" Chinatown's closed. I gotta go to the park with a knife. "Where's a duck?!"


You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you [look at it and] kind of go, "Yeah, but"--like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing--but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."


I can never finish shopping there [at Walmart]. I just get tired and I go home. I just leave my cart full of shit in the middle of the store.


I cut him off in traffic. It was one of things where I had to merge lanes and no one was in my car to judge me--so I just decided, "He's not me--so I don't care what happens to him," then I cut him off. I know it's a shitty thing to do. It was bad--'cause he was coming fast. And, well, I guess he figured not in a million years would somone be that big of an asshole. So when I did it, he had to stomp on the brakes hard, his dog just flew into the windshield. It all was just really very bad. And the worst part is, when you cut people off, they don't just vanish. They're behind you now. I'm just looking back, and he's holding his wheel just screaming mad in rage. And he just keeps on trying to get next to me, 'cause he just wants to see my face--the fucking face of the dude who just did that to him. And I keep cutting him off, 'cause I don't want him to see. I'm ashamed of what I did. So finally, we get to a red light, and he pulls beside me. Only because there was a car in front of me. Otherwise I would have taken off. So he's here just yelling in my direction, and I have the apologetic look going on. Then he starts to do the "open you window" motion ... like I'm supposed to take part in my own abuse."


I hate when people explain where they're from. They're like, "Well, technically..." ... No one cares. ... I met a guy recently in Boston. I said, "Where are you from?" And he goes, "Well, I was born in East Meford. But then we moved to North Medford." I'm like, "I hope you die in South Medford. Why would you think that people want to know about your family's migrations within the town? Was your dad in the army? Is that why you moved around Medford so much? What was it like when you first saw snow in North Medford? Did you have to change money--you fat idiot?" He's fat, too. I hate this guy. I knew him for ten seconds. And I just carry hatred for him. Like, I'm in the shower. "Ugh--Medford idiot!" I'm like scrubing my ass. My ass is raw because I hate this guy so much. I'm like, "Just say Medford! Nobody wants to know [the details]!"


I saw this guy in New York one day, and he's walking his dog. ... He's got a coffee and a dog on a leash and a phone. He’s on the phone. So he’s got his phone like this, and the dog’s leash is going from the phone hand to the dog. And I look at this and I go, “Oh--he's got, like, a dogphone.” That thought sincerely inhabited me for like a full minute! I'm like, “Oh, I wonder, what are the benefits to hooking your phone up to a dog?” And then the other part of me had to go, “Why the fuck would that exist?! You asshole!”


He [my friend] always starts conversations I don't want to have. He's like, "Hey what would you do if you had a time machine?" I'm like "Fuck you. ... I'd use it to go 30 minutes ago and punch you in the fucking face before you asked me that. That's all. One use."


I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80% of the people in New York are minorities. Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80% of the population? That's a very white attitude, really. You know? You could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like, "Look at all the minorities they got over here. I'm the only majority."


When I call American Airlines and I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again. ... 'Cause I know she doesn't give a shit about me and my white people problems. ... I'm in my underwear. "Hi, I have a layover in Dallas that's really long, and I was wondering if"--and she's like, "Oh, really? I haven't had a clean glass of water in ten years, okay? Two of my kids died this morning, and I still came to work, you fat shit."


People on planes, they complain. They get off the plane, they come to your house, and they tell you about their whole flight experience. And they make it sound like it was a cattle car in Poland in the 40s. ... "That was the worst day of my life. I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes." That's a story in this country. That's a fucking hardship, that you had to sit on the runway. People will listen to that story. They'll stop doing the dishes and turn around and go, "Oh my God, really? For 40 minutes? That's awful. You should sue them." "I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes." Oh my God, really? What happened then? Did you fly through the air like a bird, incredibly? Did you soar into the clouds, impossibly? ... "There's always delays when I fly." Really? Delays? "It's too slow. Air travel is too slow." New York to California in six hours. That used to take 30 years to do that, and a bunch of you would die on the way there. You'd get shot in the neck with an arrow, and fall down. And the other passengers would just bury you and put a stick there with your hat on it and keep walking. And one of them would fuck your wife and have three babies. And all the old people would die. You'd be a whole different group of people by the time you got to California.


I was on a plane once, like about a month ago, and they had high-speed wireless internet on the plane. And they had never done that before. They explained to us that we were, like, one of the first aircraft. And I open up my laptop, and I'm online. I'm looking at YouTube and shit while we're flying. And then it broke down. And the woman says, "I'm sorry, but we have to fix the internet, so it's down for the rest of the flight." And the guy next to me goes, "This is bullshit." I'm like, "Dude, how does the world owe you something you didn't even know existed 30 seconds ago?"


People say "My phone sucks." No it doesn't! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks around the phone.


If murder was legal, or just a misdemeanor--like you get a thing in the mail--"Shit, they had a camera there. Well." If murder was legal, there would be so much murder. ... You wouldn't trust somebody who didn't murder. ... "I never killed anybody." "OK. Nice meeting you. Yecch, what a creep. I mean, not even a hooker? Live a life. What's wrong with that guy? He's like a Mormon or some shit. I hate those guys."


Most people don't give a shit what happens, as long as they get to do their favorite thing. People don't even want to back off from their favorite thing. They won't even do their second favorite thing. You ever seen somebody in trouble ... he's in the right lane. And there's a lot cars, like 6th Avenue. A lot of cars. And he wants to make that left. So what does he do? He just does it anyway. He just goes at it. He just shoves his car through everybody's life. Without any... And everybody's honking and outraged. And you always see the guy go, "I have to. I have to. There's no other possible thing I could do. What else could I do? Except go up one more block, and then go left and take four seconds. That's not my favorite way, though! That only meets 99% of my criteria."


I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that.


I was on a plane once and I was flying first class... And this soldier gets on the plane. I see soldiers fly all the time. Because that's how they get to the war. They fly on a shitty airline. You think they get to go on a cool green plane with a red light. "Go! Go! Go!" No--they just go to Delta. And they just wait in line to go to a war. And they always fly coach. ... And every time that I see a soldier on a plane, I always think, "You know what? I should give him my seat. It would be the right thing to do. It would be easy to do and it would mean a lot to him." ... I've never done it once. I've had so many opportunities. I never even really, seriously came close. And here's the worst part. ... I was actually proud of myself for having thought of it. I was proud. "Ah, I am such a sweet man. That is so nice of me to think of that and then totally never do it."


We picked her [my friend's cousin] up at port authority bus station. She had never been to any city before. And we’re picking her up at the port authority, that smelly hole of a place. We pick her up there, and she’s just freaking out at New York. She’s never seen anything like it. And we pass this homeless guy and she sees him. I mean, we all passed him, but she saw him. She’s the only one who actually saw him. We didn’t. Me and her cousin were like, “So? He’s supposed to be there. So what? There’s a perfectly good reason why that’s not me and it’s him. The right people always win, I’m sure of it.” But ... this dude was particularly homeless. He was one of those high-octane homeless, smelly, just piss smell, the unbelievable piss smell, just--he was piss. He didn’t just smell like piss, he was--when you piss, he comes out. And he had dreadlocks. Not hacky sack, cool-guy, medical-marijuana dreadlocks. Just human-neglect clumps of hair. A clump of hair for every year that no one knew his name or cared. His cousin immediately just gets--“Oh, my God! Sir--are you okay? What happened?” What happened?! America happened. What do you mean what happened? Like she thinks that he just fell into that. Right now. ... So she’s down there. “Sir, can we call someone?” And me and my friend, we’re from New York, this is the crazy part, we immediately go to her, we start correcting her behavior, like she’s doing something wrong. She was so confused. “Why, is he okay?” "No, no, he needs you desperately. That’s not the point. We just don’t do that here--you silly country girl.” ... It's weird. Because if you did see a guy who was dressed up fall into shit and vomit and garbage, you'd go, "Oh my God!" And you'd stop and dust him off, and you'd laugh at him a little bit--but you'd help him. But then a guy who's been there for a long time, you go, "Fuck him."


I was with my daughter once. ... And we pass this homeless guy. And I gave him a dollar. ... And she said, "Daddy--why did you give that man a dollar?" And I said, "Because he doesn't have a house. He just lives on the street." And she said, "And so is the dollar--can he buy a house with that?" And I was like, "No. Of course not. That's comically not enough money for a house, honey. It's hilariously too little of an amount." And she said, "Why didn't you give him enough for a house?" And I was like, "Eh, uh, you know--he doesn't just need money. He needs someone to spend time with him. He needs someone to help him." And she said, "Why don't you do that?" And I was like, "It's, it's, it's--I got stuff. I got stuff to do. I got my own, I got stuff. I gotta--I can't do that." And she said, "You don't do anything else. You sleep all day. And you do a show tonight." And I was like, "Why don't you fucking help him? OK, honey? How about that? Where do you get off judging me?"


I was in the airport, and ... this old lady, she falls down... And all these people are: "Whoaaa!!" There's always one second, when an old lady falls down, where no one's helping her yet. There's like a little hestitation where we're all looking at each other. It's like a game of Decency Chicken, where you're not sure it has to be you. You're kind of hoping you can go, "Oh. Good job, buddy! Alright--he got her!" Anyway, I lost this particular game. I was, like, "Oh. Seriously? Oh, my God." So here, I had to pick up an old lady who I don't know. I'm stretching her sweater, she's like, "Aggghhhh!" I'm like, "Come on, lock 'em up! What, are you a baby deer? Just STAND! You were standing eight seconds ago! Don't pretend you never did it! I'm not a physical therapist--I'm a stranger. Just get up!" Finally, I got her up. And she looks at me and she goes, "I don't know where to go!" Oh, come on! That's not fair! I thought I was helping an old lady; now, I have an old lady! Now this ismy old lady that I have in my life. ... She just hands me over stuff: "I don't know how to do it!" She has a passport with a black and white picture, and, like, a different alphabet on it. An itinerary of onion-skin paper from some travel agency in a village somewhere. I'm like, "How do you not know how to get around? You've probably been a refugee, like, eight times in your life already. You were on a muddy road with all stuff in a cart, people throwing rocks at you. Some kid with a big, Jewey hat next to you! I don't know! Why can't you navigate Terminal 8 at JFK?" Okay, so I have to help her. I've already been kind; I can't switch. So I'm like, "Let's go!" She's moving at a negative speed. Like she's sucking space into her body, instead of moving through it. And she's telling me all her stuff: "My husband died. I used to travel with him, but then he died. So I don't know." I'm like, "Oh. Well, maybe you should have educated yourself while he was alive. That would have been really useful today. Maybe if you fed him less pork, I don't know. Maybe some of this shit's your fault, lady--and none of it's mine." Anyway, we sat there at her gate, for, like, two hours. And she she said a bunch of shit that changed my life and I'll never forget her. But that's the boring part. You don't need to hear that. "Oh, yeah. I thought was I giving to her, she gave back tenfold and all, she's precious forever and ever to me." But she really was amazing. Like, I got her on the plane, and right before she got on, she turned around and she stuck her old gypsy finger in my face, and she said, "I shall never forget you!" And I was crying! It was intense!

I love old ladies! I really do! I connect with old ladies. Because they don't care! They say whatever! The filter comes off around 72. 8-year old boys and old ladies have the same sense of propriety. Because old ladies are on the way out. They're like a guy who just got fired, and he's leaving the office with his box for the last time: "You're fat!" "Never liked you!" They just say whatever. And old ladies talk to you in the middle of just--I'm walking through a supermarket, and there's always an old lady, like, "This is ridiculous!" I'm like, "I know! Don't buy it!" I connect with old ladies! They're my favorite demographic of person. I wish that I desired them sexually. ... Because, then I'd be SET! I could find an old lady, and spend the rest of her life with her.


Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"


I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, "Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that."


If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's-- there's not much traffic. "Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no--there's a person."


I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"


For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."


I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated--like, how long you waited. And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it. I had to. Otherwise, they win. That's the way I was looking at it at the time. It was a really strange time for all of us.


You get older, and some things you can't do anymore. Some things you don't want to do anymore. It's a nice change. You feel some desires fall away. Few things make you happy. But some things don't change. And some things I'm sick of. Like the constant, just the constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I'm so tired of those. ... It just makes me into an idiot. ... [Girl:] "Look at my tits." [Louis:] "Yeah, your tits are awesome." It's just a dumb part of life that I'm sick of. It's all, day too. ... I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just--I just want to go to the library and ask for--"Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm looking for a book about early Abraham Lincoln, like when he was--I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and--Oh, shit. I'm trying to talk to her!" That's really a male problem. ... [Women] have no idea. ... See, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have them. You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there. You're Jane Fonda on a tank. I'm John McCain in the hut. ... And for men, sex just is such a constant thing. It's not even sex to us. It's just pussy. ... It has nothing to do with women. ... "Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl." "Mmmm, Vanessa, I love--" No, it's not. ... It's just pussy. ... It's not even a pussy. It's not some peoples' pussies. It's just pussy. ... To men it's just an element of the universe, like it should be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12.


And then the next night I saw her in the club. And she goes, "Hey what happened last night?" I was like, "What?" And she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'Cause you didn't want to." She's like, "Yes I did. I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" And she goes, "'Cause I wanted you to just go for it." I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird. I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me. Like that's a big turn on for me." I was like, "Well you should have told me. I would have happily done that for you." And she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous." I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?" What kind of idiot [thinks], "Hmmm. I'm getting kind of a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know--I suspect she might enjoy being raped. Maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it--so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her. What the hell--what's the worst that could happen, after all?"


You notice, there's no Women Gone Wild [series]--'cause no one would fucking buy the wild women DVD. Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. That's what wild women do. They don't show their tits to nobody. They fuck with their bras on.


Don't yell out during the show. If you have something you want to say to me, this is what we do. We write it down--and then you go outside in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.


I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. That's my memory. I've carried it for 20 years. "There was a gay guy who tried to fuck me all the time." And recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn't seen in years. And we started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, "That guy always used to try to fuck me." And he goes, "He did?" And I was like, "Yeah." And he goes, "Really? Did he--I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically..." "No, it's just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to fuck me all the time." And he was like, "Well did he say, did he push you, and say stuff all the time and make you uncomfortable?" "No, it just was--" And as we went through it, the truth came out. The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That's it. That's really what happened. He was gay. I was 19. And now, "He tried to fuck me all the time." I went through life with that.


Well, this is a nice place. This is easily the nicest place for many miles in every direction. That's how you compliment a building and shit on a town with one sentence.


At my age, if I'm sitting down and somebody tells me I need to get up and go to another room, I need to be told all the information why first. ... 'Cause getting up is a whole thing. It means first, I have to decide, "Do I really want to be alive anymore? Like, let's start with that."


If you're older, you're smarter. A 55-year-old garbage man is a million times smarter than a 28-year-old with three Ph.Ds, Especially smarter than him, 'cause this idiot has been thinking about three things for, like, 15 years. He's worthless. The garbage man is 55. He's had some experience. Things have happened to him. He went to cape cod one summer. He saw a dead guy floating in the motel pool. ... He's had some experience. ... He's witnessed history. ... He saw Nixon resign on live television. Me and those few people that clapped--we saw Nixon resign! We saw the President of America cry, and then quit being President! That shit was crazy. 'Cause none of us knew what was gonna happen next. Today people are like, "The President’s kind of disappointing." Really?! Our President wept like an insane person, and then got on a helicopter and flew away! And the whole nation just watched him go.


Samuel Parkes Cadman Quotes

(1864-1936) Christian radio preacher


A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.


Cai Yuanpei Quotes

(1868-1940) educator


We must follow the general rule of freedom of thought and freedom of expression, and not allow any one branch of philosophy or any one tenet of religion to confine our minds, but always aim at a lofty universal point of view which is valid without regard to space or time. For such an education I can think of no other name than education for a world View.


Whereas in the past we [in China] boasted of our own superiority, now, as a result of repeated defeats and humiliations, we have begun to worship everything foreign and depreciate everything native. We have willingly adopted theories and practices accepted by other nations but refused to experiment for ourselves.


Cai Yuanpei Biography


Cameroonian Proverbs


By trying repeatedly, the monkey learns how to jump from the tree.


Joseph Campbell Quotes

(1904-1987) writer on mythology


People say that what we are all seeking is meaning for life. I think that what we’re really seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our innermost being and reality, so that we can actually feel the rapture of being alive.


George Carlin Quotes


We have Working Mother Magazine, Black Entrepreneur Magazine, Hispanic Business Magazine. In fact, any activity, any activity engaged in by more than four people in this country, has got a fucking magazine devoted to it. Skydiving, snowmobiling, backpacking, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, skeet shooting, duck hunting, jerking off, playing pool, shooting someone in the asshole with a dart gun--they probably got a fucking magazine for that! ... There’s actually a fucking magazine called Walking. "Look Dan! The new Walking is out! Here's a good article: 'Putting one foot in front of the other!'"


I don’t think a writer could ever commit suicide, do you? A writer would be too busy on working on the note the whole God damn year. Trying to get it just right. First draft, second draft, third revision, whole new ending, finally would turn into a book proposal and have a reason to live. That wouldn’t work.


Have you ever noticed that when you're drivin', anyone goin' slower than you is an idiot? And anyone goin' faster than you is a maniac? ... Why, I tell ya, folks, it's a wonder we ever get anywhere at all these days, what with all the idiots and maniacs out there. Because no one ever drives at my speed.


You know what would be great? To be in a coma. You're still alive, but you have no responsibilities. "He owes me six thousand dollars." "He's in a coma." "Oh, okay. Never mind."


That's what the fruit is for. Not for added taste; not for nutrition; it's for sinking the Rice Krispies. Believe me, a good-sized peach, hurled at the bowl full force from a stepladder, can take down eighty or ninety of the little buggers in one glorious splash. And I have absolutely no mercy. If I'm really pissed, I'll climb up to the upstairs balcony and drop a watermelon on them. That'll teach them to sass me at breakfast.


Have you ever been talking to yourself when someone suddenly comes in the room? And you have to make believe you were singing? And you hope to God the other person really believes there's a song called "Fuck Her"?


Andrew Carnegie Quotes

(1835-1919) businessmnan


No man will make a great business who wants to do it all himself or to get all the credit for doing it. [A businessman should be willing to share both the duties and the credit.]


We have a master mind here in our business, and that mind is made up of more than a score of people who constitute my personal staff of superintendents and managers and accountants and chemists and other necessary types. No one person in this group is the master mind of which I speak, but the sum total of the minds in the group, coordinated, organized and directed to a definite end in a spirit of harmonious cooperation is the power that got my money for me. No two minds in the group are exactly alike, but each person in the group does the thing that he is supposed to do and he does it better than any other person in the world could do it.


Mr. Kloman's ambition had been to be in the office, where he was worse than useless, rather than in the mill devising and running new machinery, where he was without a peer. We had some difficulty in placing him in his proper position and keeping him there, which may have led him to seek an outlet elsewhere. He was perhaps flattered by men who were well known in the community; and in this case he was led by persons who knew how to reach him by extolling his wonderful business abilities in addition to his mechanical genius--abilities which his own partners, as already suggested, but faintly recognized.

After Mr. Kloman had passed through the bankruptcy court and was again free, we offered him a ten per cent interest in our business, charging for it only the actual capital invested, with nothing whatever for good-will. This we were to carry for him until the profits paid for it. We were to charge interest only on the cost, and he was to assume no responsibility. The offer was accompanied by the condition that he should not enter into any other business or endorse for others, but give his whole time and attention to the mechanical and not the business management of the mills. Could he have been persuaded to accept this, he would have been a multimillionaire; but his pride, and more particularly that of his family, perhaps, would not permit this. He would go into business on his own account, and, notwithstanding the most urgent appeals on my part, and that of my colleagues, he persisted in the determination to start a new rival concern with his sons as business managers. The result was failure and premature death.

How foolish we are not to recognize what we are best fitted for and can perform, not only with ease but with pleasure, as masters of the craft. More than one able man I have known has persisted in blundering in an office when he had great talent for the mill, and has worn himself out, oppressed with cares and anxieties, his life a continual round of misery, and the result at last failure. I never regretted parting with any man so much as Mr. Kloman. His was a good heart, a great mechanical brain, and had he been left to himself I believe he would have been glad to remain with us. Offers of capital from others--offers which failed when needed--turned his head, and the great mechanic soon proved the poor man of affairs.


Then, when parting, I said: "William, I suppose your sweetheart is a beautiful, tall, 'peaches-and-cream' kind of German young lady." "Veil, Mr. Carnegie, she is a leetle stout. If I had the rolling of her I give her yust one more pass.' All William's illustrations were founded on mill practice. [I find myself bursting into fits of laughter this morning (June, 1912) as I re-read this story. But I did this also when reading that "Every man must stand on his own bottom."]


Andrew Carnegie Biography and Quotes


Dale Carnegie Quotes

(1888-1955) lecturer, public speaking expert, and success guru.


Liken what you wish people to accept to something they already believe. [If you want to present a new idea to people, find some way to connect it to an idea they already believe.]


Most men begin, not by thinking about the other fellow’s views and desires, not by trying to find a common ground of agreement, but by unloading their own opinions. [It might be satisfying to just let others know how we feel and what we think. But if we want to persuade others, it's better to start by mentioning views we have in common with them, and then moving on to areas where we might not agree.]


When a person has said 'No,' all his pride of personality demands that he remain consistent with himself. He may later feel that the 'No' was ill advised; nevertheless, there is his precious pride to consider! [Pride often prevents people from openly changing their views.]


[The main] problem of getting people to accept our beliefs or to act upon our suggestions, is just this: to plant the idea in their minds and to keep contradictory and opposing ideas from arising.


Interest is contagious. The audience is sure to catch it if the speaker himself has a bad case of it. But it cannot be won by the mechanical adherence to mere rules. *


When Crowley was captured, Police Commissioner E. P. Mulrooney declared that the two-gun desperado was one of the most dangerous criminals ever encountered in the history of New York. "He will kill," said the Commissioner, "at the drop of a feather."

But how did "Two Gun" Crowley regard himself? We know, because while the police were firing into his apartment, he wrote a letter addressed "To whom it may concern, " And, as he wrote, the blood flowing from his wounds left a crimson trail on the paper. In this letter Crowley said: "Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody any harm."

A short time before this, Crowley had been having a necking party with his girl friend on a country road out on Long Island. Suddenly a policeman walked up to the car and said: "Let me see your license." Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman down with a shower of lead. As the dying officer fell, Crowley leaped out of the car, grabbed the officer's revolver, and fired another bullet into the prostrate body. And that was the killer who said: "Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody any harm.'

Crowley was sentenced to the electric chair. When he arrived at the death house in Sing Sing, did he say, "This is what I get for killing people"? No, he said: "This is what I get for defending myself."

The point of the story is this: "Two Gun" Crowley didn't blame himself for anything.

Is that an unusual attitude among criminals? If you think so, listen to this: "I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping them have a good time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man." That's Al Capone speaking. Yes, America's most notorious Public Enemy- the most sinister gang leader who ever shot up Chicago. Capone didn't condemn himself. He actually regarded himself as a public benefactor - an unappreciated and misunderstood public benefactor.


Dana Carvey Quotes

comedian


I'm one of you, man. I'm driving a hybrid biodiesel prius made of balsa wood. It runs on baked beans and fruity pebbles. I can get 50 miles to a gallon on my own intolerance to lactose, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm with you. I'm spiritual. I was on the way to my bikram yoga class, and I was eating my tofurkey, and I had on my spirulina sandals--the biodegradable kind. And I looked at my hash watch, and I realized I couldn't find my healing crystals. And then I remembered they're made of pure love. There was nothing to find.


What religion would blow away a scientologist? How weird would the religion have to be before the scientologist would go, "That is whacked!"? Here's what I think it would consist of: We are the Cult of the Golden Orb. Our Master teaches us that every Tuesday 2:30pm Eastern Standard Time we are to hold a Medium Sized Red Hot Chili Pepper between our buttocks for 19 hours, and repeat the sacred mantra "Giddyup Horsey" 51 times. Then, per our instructions, we put on our Sandpaper Pants and we get in the Plastic Punishment Room. We ask each other the holy question, "Are you the lemon?" "No." "Are you the lemon?" "No." "Are you the lemon?" "No." This can go on for weeks or months. Finally, someone says, "I think I am the lemon." They are slapped across the face, stripped naked, and fitted with a Sacred Diaper made of Pudding Skins and Duct Tape. They wear Wax Lips and hum the theme to 'Hawaii 5-0' 47 times. Then, they straddle a Chicken, a Small Chimpanzee is attached to their back, they are fitted in a harness and hoisted 100 feet in the air. They are lowered slowly into a Giant Vat of Lukewarm Chocolate Pudding as the other church members grab hands and repeat the sacred mantra, "Squatting Monkeys Tell No Lies." Now is where it gets a little weird ...' And John Travolta's going, 'Y'know, I think I could be the lemon.'"


I got friends, you know, spiritual friends. They're not into organized religion. It made me think, what's disorganized religion? "Hi, we're a little disorganized. We're gonna meet on Tuesdays or maybe Thursdays. We haven't figured it out. We're a little disorganized. We're gonna meet at P.F. Chang's, maybe. We don't really have a hymn. You can kind of hum to yourself.


People should work out functionally. Don't bench-press 900 pounds. Do workouts that makes sense in your life. "Sit on the toilet and flush. Sit on the toilet and flush. Sit on the toilet and flush. And rest and rest. Sit on the toilet and flush. Sit on the toilet and flush. And rest and rest. And check your watch and sit. And check your watch and sit. And flush and sit and check. And flush and sit and check. And open the door and walk. And open the door and walk. Shampoo your hair. Shampoo your hair. Floss, floss, floss, floss." That's what we should be doing.


My parents are in their 80s. Great health, but they're getting fuzzy. ... They'll go see a movie, and they can't remember the title--and they get mad at me because I can't guess what it is. It's like playing charades with my dad. "Oh, Dane, oh, your mother and I, we saw a dandy movie." ... I go, "Well, what did you guys see?" And he goes, "Oh, oh, we saw the one. You know. Oh, the one with the guy, you know, with the guy and the gal. And there was a car in the movie." I'm like, "I don't know. What did you see--The Illusionist?" And he gets pissed. "Oh, we didn't see The Illusionist! ... And then my mom, my mom's in great health. She's 82. She's really sweet, and she kind of--she mentions her ailments when you call her. I go, "Hi mom," and she goes, "Blood pressure normal. Rashes almost gone." Either that or recent appliance purchases. "Bought a new toaster. Had a two-slicer. Now we have a four slicer." And then you hear my dad. "Oh, we didn't have a four slicer!"


Kyle Cease Quotes

(1977-) comedian


Every Sunny Delight commercial is exactly the same, three guys in the back yard, and one of them is like, “What do you got to drink in the fridge!?” Like so excited about the crappy fridge, and then they go to the fridge and its like, “Well, we’ve got some soda, some purple stuff, SUNNY D!!!” It was always there, behind Brand-X soda and some purple crap, that they couldn’t even identify. Of course you’re going to pick Sunny D, that doesn’t mean it’s a good drink you guys. If you came to my house and you’re like “What do you got to drink?!” and I’m like “Well, we’ve got some ketchup, some gravy, my grandma’s piss, SUNNY D!!!” You’d be like, “Is there any lead in your water, because I hate all four of those.” That should’ve been their slogan, “Sunny D, for when your choices are even worse than Sunny D.” Sunny D tasted a little bit like a fat clown’s asshole, didn’t it? Who came up with Sunny D and was happy? Some guy was like “I like the taste of orange juice AND baby medicine, can we combine that?”


The best part of Nintendo was the codes. We had codes that got us to the end of the game immediately. Why can’t we have that in real life? Just for once I’d like to be on a date with a chick and when she starts talking about her cats, and she’s like “And this cat likes corn, and this one has diarrhea, and this one can fight crime,” I can be like, “Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, select start, and I’m in bed with her, and no more cats.”


My favorite things to vote on are the initiatives, you know the propositions, where you’ll see an argument for one side and you’ll think thats a good point, and then you’ll see the argument for the other side, and you’ll think thats a good point too, and you don’t know which way to vote. I think we need a few that it’s just obvious which way to vote, right off the bat. Like wouldn’t it be cool if it was like proposition ninety-seven: Should we continue to not eat babies. Right there you’d be like, “Hell yeah, I don’t wanna eat babies, you know, I don’t have time, they’re not delicious, and it would be eating babies and that’s weird to me,” so there’s three reasons that I come up with to voting no. But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don’t know which way you’re voting, cause it’s like, “Should we not eat unbabies not on this not day” and you’re just sitting there like “Fuck! I don’t wanna eat babies! You know?! I don’t have time, they’re not delicious, remember my reasons, I had like three.” So you vote no on it and then it’s on the news the next day, “Well, 74% of Americans have decided it’s time to eat babies.”


I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn’t tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I’ve never had that dilemma before. I’ve always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.


Cecil Quotes


It requires as much reflection and wisdom to know what is not to be put into a sermon as what is.


Miguel De Cervantes Quotes

(1547-1616) writer best known for his novel Don Quixote


It requires a long time to know anyone.


You are a king by your own fireside, as much as any monarch is in his throne.


Miguel De Cervantes Biography and Quotes


Chad / Basutoland Proverbs


A man with too much ambition cannot sleep in peace.


Norman Chad Quotes


Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself.


If one official signals Falcons ball and [Seahawks quarterback] Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?


Seahawks beat Cardinals, 58-0. If Patriots beat Texans, 58-0, it will be first time in NFL history there were two 58-0 games in same week.


If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you’d be ahead $70,050. Wow.


Nicolas Chamfort Quotes

(1741-1794) writer


The most wasted of all days is one in which you did not once laugh.


Oftentimes the mind is to the heart just what the chateua library is to the lord of the manor.


All passions lead to exaggeration—that is why they are passions.


When a man and a woman have an overwhelming passion for each other, it seems to me, in spite of such obstacles dividing them as parents or husband, that they belong to each other in the name of Nature, and are lovers by Divine right, in spite of human convention or the laws.


It must be admitted that it is impossible to live in the world without playing an act from time to time. What distinguishes the honest man from the rogue is that he plays an act only if he must, and to escape danger; whereas the other actively seeks out occasions to do so. [There's a major difference between adapting to the world for the right reasons, and playing an act whenever we think it'll get us ahead.]


If we would please in society, we must be prepared to be taught many things we know already by people who don't know them. [In order to get on people's good side and please them, sometimes we need to patiently listen to them without disagreeing--and in some cases, that means pretending that they're informing us about something, even though we know way more about it than they do.]


Though it is commonly thought that the “art of pleasing” is a great way to achieve wealth, there is something that works far better: knowing how to be bored. In fact, the talent of acquiring wealth, like the one for succeeding with women, can be reduced practically to that.


He who cannot resort to the use of a joke, and who is inflexible in the spirit, is very often placed between the need for being false or pedantic—an annoying alternative from which an honest man withdraws himself, for the ordinary one, by grace and cheerfulness. (113)


It must be admitted that in order to live happily in the world, there are sides of your soul that must be completely paralyzed. (130)


Nowadays, people who love nature are accused of being romantic.


We are happy or unhappy for a multitude of reasons that are never mentioned and never can be mentioned.


A person of foresight is a rather sad figure. He disturbs his friends by predicting the problems likely to arise as a result of their imprudence, and they refuse to believe him. And when he is proved correct, they are amazed at the accuracy of his prediction, and they feel offended and have their pride hurt. And when they meet this friend, who otherwise would have been able to console them, and who they would have approached if they had not felt shamed, they feel humiliated.


Man arrives as an apprentice at all the times of his life. / Man arrives as a novice at each age of his life.


Whatever evil a man may think of women, there is no woman but thinks more.


Jackie Chan Quotes

(1954-) actor, stuntman, martial artist


Don’t try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie.


I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.


William Ellery Channing Quotes

(1780–1842) Unitarian preacher, theologians


A clean, comfortable dwelling, with wholesome meals, is no small aid to intellectual and moral progress. A man living in a damp cellar or a garret open to rain and snow, breathing the foul air of a filthy room, and striving without success to appease hunger on scanty or unsavory food, is in danger of abandoning himself to a desperate, selfish recklessness.


Charlie Chaplin Quotes

(1889-1977) comedian, actor, producer, director, and writer


I don’t believe that the public knows what it wants; this is the conclusion that I have drawn from my career.


Dave Chappelle Quotes


Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy--I'm serious--for safety. 'Cause when the shit goes down, somebody's gonna need to talk to the police. ... "Ernie, wanna get this one?" ...

Black people are very afraid of the police. ... We got every reason to be afraid of them. ... "Let me see your driver's license and your registration." ... That's not what they say to us [when they pull us over]. You wouldn't believe what they say to us, either. "Spread open your cheeks and lift your sack." ...

But I didn't always know that was a black thing. It took me a while to figure that out. I learned that shit in New York. I was in New York City. Now I was hanging out with a friend of mine. He's a white guy. ... Chip is driving, and he's driving a little crazy. He's been drinking. Now I don't like to let my friends drive drunk. But, you know, I was smoking a joint--I couldn't really say shit to the guy. Then we get at a red light. We stopped at a red light, and a car pulls up next to us. And I'll never forget it. Chip looks at me, he's all drunk, and he's like, "Dave--I'm gonna race him." I knew it was a bad idea. But I was high. I tried to explain to him it was a bad idea, but all that came out was, "Well, nigga sometimes you gotta race." I don't know. Man. That light turned green, and Chip took off. Zig-zagging and shit so no one could pass him. The other car didn't know he was racing. Then the police seen us and pulled us over. Now you gotta understand, I'm scared as shit. I mean, come on: the car smells like weed, we've been speeding, this man is fucking drunk. I'm scared. Chip was not scared at all. ... Look over at him, he says, "Dave, just relax. Close your buttcheeks! Just relax. Let me do the talking." You wanna know what he said? This was almost exactly what he said. I couldn't believe it. He says: "Oh, oh. Sorry officer. I... I didn't know I couldn't do that." I was fucking shocked! The cop said, "Well now you know! Just get outta here. Just get the fuck outta here!" Chip said, "Okay, I will, sir. Thank you." [And then later in the car, he said to me:] "What? What's wrong with you, Dave?" "I didn't know I couldn't do that." He said, "That was good, wasn't it? Because I did know I couldn't do that."

I was shocked. I wasn't shocked at the audacity. I was just shocked because I would have never thought to say that. I don't think any black dude would think to say that. Because, they know we know the law. Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even started to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere: "Nigga, don't do that. That's five to ten. Watch out."


Sometimes, we [black people] wanna call them [the police], too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call them. But I didn't. Mmm. Mm-mm. House is too nice. It ain't a real nice house--but they'll never believe I live in it. They'll be, "He's still here. Oh my God. [Hits Chappelle in the head with a baton] Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once before when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Well, let's sprinkle some crack on him and get outta here."

That's that whole brutality thing. ...There was a time when only minorities really knew about that. .... [White people] were a little skeptical. ... And then "Newsweek" printed it. ... [And] white people are like: "Oh my God. Honey, did you see this? Apparently, the police have been beating up negroes like hotcakes."


White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It's a secret. You ever ask a white guy who he's voting for? "Hey, Bob. Uh, Bob. Who you gonna vote for?" "Dave, Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Mmmm. Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um, I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And, and, I mean, it was something else." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but--but who are you voting for?" "Dave! Dave, come on with the voting. I'm trying to tell you about how I fucking my wife, and you're asking me all these personal questions." They don't like to divulge that information. 'Cause it matters to them. Black people talk about that shit. Black people will openly talk about politics. Black people will openly talk about beating up politicians and shit. "If I see George Bush, I'll kick his motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid." They don't care. They'll just say it.


Black people like Clinton. I saw one thing on the campaign trail--he actually just picked a black baby up and kissed him--"Come here, little nigger baby." Mwah! Just kissing him. I said, "Mmmm-hmmm! I like that." He did not hesitate or nothing. You see George Bush, Jr. He'd be like: (kiss) "Ew."


I don't know George Bush Jr.'s politics. The only thing I know about is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That's right. Now listen, we cannot have that shit in the White House. ... The stakes are too high in the White House. Can't have no cokehead president. Mm-mmm. He'd be selling nuclear secrets for 20, 30 dollars and shit. He'd be at meetings, embarrassing America. "Come on. Sign the treaty, baby. I'll suck your dick." Like what the--? "Mr. President! Mr. President. That is not how we do business here, sir. Stop sucking the ambassador's dick." [Ambassador:] "No, let him finish. I will sign the treaty. There will be peace in Israel, finally."


That's [show business] where the cultures really collide. ... Sometimes I'll be on a business call [with a lawyer]... "Dave, we're gonna close the deal. Is that fine with you?" I'll be, like, "Yeah, that's good for me." "Great! Great. You have a good weekend, Dave." I'll be like, "A'ight. You too, man. Peace." "Uh... all right now. Bye-bye." They don't know what to say, right? So sometimes I'll make up shit that's not even slang, just to see how they handle it and shit. It'll be the same thing, they just go: "All right, we're gonna close the deal. Is that fine with you, Dave?" "Yeah, it sounds good to me." "Great. You have a good weekend, Dave." "All right, buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out." He'll be like, "Uh... All right. Zippity-doo-dah, bye-BYE."


We misunderstand women a lot. You know, we always undermine their feelings. ... Feelings are very important to women. They are all-important to women. I'm just learning this shit. Everything is based on how they "feel". You could hear it when they tell stories. When a man tells a story, it'd be just facts: who, what, when, where, why. "It was me and Bob, we was at Safeway, then that nigga Bob said this, then I punched that nigga, then I broke out." That's the story. That's the story. Women tell stories, and all these feelings come out--"Well, first of all, you have to understand, I was on my period, and I had just talked to my mother, so I was feeling like--"Goddamn, so many feelings. What the fuck happened? Get to it. get to it. But they gotta talk about 'em. They gotta talk about 'em. That's how they always get me. I'll be sitting there, watching TV, chilling and shit. My old lady come up to me: "David, we need to talk." "FUCK!" I don't say that out loud. That's how I feel inside. Because I know every time we need to talk, we need to talk about some shit that I gotta do. We don't ever have to talk about anything *she* needs to do.


OH Cheney Quotes

ice-President of the American Exchange and Irving Trust Company of New York


Take the great war on the dining-room table, for instance. Three times a day practically every diningroom table in the country is the scene of a fierce battle in the new competition. Shall we have prunes for breakfast? No, cry the embattled orange-growers and the massed legions of pineapple canners. Shall we eat sauerkraut? Why not eat green olives? is the answer of the Spaniards. Eat macaroni as a change from potatoes, says one advertiser—and will the potato growers take this challenge lying down? ... The fruit growers, the wheat raisers, the meat packers, the milk producers, the fishermen—all want me to eat more of their products—and are spending millions of dollars a year to convince me.


Cherokee Proverbs


Don't allow yesterday to spend up too much of today.


Cherokee Proverbs

Lord Chesterfield / Philip Stanhope Quotes

(1694–1773) British statesman


A favor may make an enemy, and an injury may make a friend


If you will please people, you must please them in their own way.


Remember that the wit, humor, and jokes, of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting. Every company is differently circumstanced, has its particular cant and jargon; which may give occasion to wit and mirth within that circle, but would seem flat and insipid in any other, and therefore will not bear repeating.


When you go into good company… observe carefully their turn, their manners, their address; and conform your own to them. But this is not all neither; go deeper still; observe their characters, and pray, as far as you can, into both their hearts and their heads. Seek for their particular merit, their predominant passion, or their prevailing weakness; and you will then know what to bait your hook with to catch them.


If you would convince others, seem open to conviction yourself


We love to be pleased better than to be informed


When a man wants your advice he generally wants your praise.


Patience is the most necessary quality for business, many a man would rather you heard his story than grant his request.


If you can once engage people’s pride, love, pity, ambition (or whatever is their prevailing passion) on your side, you need not fear what their reason can do against you.


However frivolous a company may be, still, while you are among them, do not show them, by your inattention, that you think them so… [and do not manifest] your contempt for them. There is nothing that people bear more impatiently, or forgive less, than contempt; and an injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult. (46)


Without some dissimulation no business can be carried on at all.


[Young people] have, commonly, an unguarded frankness about them; which makes them the easy prey and bubbles of the artful and the experienced; they look upon every knave or fool, who tells them that he is their friend, to be really so


Every excellency, and every virtue, has its kindred vice or weakness; and if carried beyond certain bounds, sinks into one or the other. Generosity often runs into profusion, economy into avarice, courage into rashness, caution into timidity, and so on:—insomuch that, I believe, there is more judgment required, for the proper conduct of our virtues, than for avoiding their opposite vices. Vice, in its true light, is so deformed, that it shocks us at first sight, and would hardly ever seduce us, if it did not, at first, wear the mask of some virtue. But virtue is, in itself, so beautiful, that it charms us at first sight; engages us more and more upon further acquaintance; and, as with other beauties, we think excess impossible; it is here that judgment is necessary, to moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause. (64)


Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.


Cheyenne Proverbs


Don't judge a person 'til you've walked two moons in his moccasins.


Chinese Proverbs


It takes friction to polish a gem, and trials to perfect a person.


To make a man of yourself you must toil; if you don't, you won't.


The evil sea [i.e. the world] is vast. Turn the head [i.e. repent] and you are at the shore.


Quickly do works of repentance, and you will be upon the conscious shore.


If for one day one does not meditate upon goodness, all [kinds of] wickedness will spring up of themselves.


Why so anxiously and busily manage so many evil matters? Drop them all and become a good man.


The door of good works is difficult to open—but when opened, it's difficult to close.


A pure heart has few desires.


Man combs his hair every morning. Why not his heart?


If your fate is not propitious, you should nevertheless cultivate virtue. The sleeping dragon will some day ascend to Heaven. [If your time of fortune has not come, cultivate virtue and wait for your time of fortune].


Embrace every chance of laying up merit, and your daily wants will be regularly supplied.


Show compassion to others’ misfortunes, and rejoice in their excellences.


Entire sincerity moves spiritual beings.


An hour may destroy the work of a hundred years.


The Way can be delicate or strong, soft or hard, yin or yang, obscure or clear. It can wrap up Heaven and Earth. It is sufficient for all things.


The Way doesn't act in vain.


If you wrangle over things of little importance, then you lose the great Way.


Nobody should neglect to cultivate secret virtues.


The gods are in his skill.


Everyone should carefully observe which way his heart draws him, and then choose that way with all his strength.


Before the thought has arisen, the gods know it.


Man reasons in a thousand ways; the spirits only in [the right] one.


Cheat your conscience, and a whole life’s happiness is destroyed.


To do evil is to transgress the laws of Heaven.


Let people despise me [as they like]—but if Heaven does not spurn me, then loss is gain.


Let us fulfill our own parts, and await the will of Heaven.


Some study shows the need for more.


A good heart influences Heaven and Earth.


One sincere thought can influence Heaven and Earth.


Heaven knows and Earth knows—how can I alone know?


Heaven, having let me be born as a man, requires me to follow its doctrines.


The smallest desire to do good is—though not seen by man—certainly known to Heaven.


It is for me to put forth the utmost effort; it rests with Heaven to give success to my plans.


Heaven and Earth will not be angry with one who will correct his faults.


You may deceive people. You cannot deceive Heaven.


Let each one go his own the Way.


The error of one moment becomes the sorrow of a whole life.


Set yourself as the standard.


In the midst of great joy, do not promise to give a man anything. In the midst of great anger, do not answer a man’s letter.


Do not believe that you will reach your destination without leaving the shore.


One foot cannot stand on two boats.


People doing the same things might have different motives.


If you ask for directions rudely, you might end up many miles from your destination.


Better to be without a book than to believe a book entirely.


Close to a blacksmith, learn to hammer out nails; close to a carpenter, learn how to use a saw.


When you converse, let it be with the wise; when you give food, let it be to the hungry.


You can’t talk of the ocean to a well-frog.


If an ox won't drink, you can't make him bend down his head.


The melon seller does not announce, “Bitter melons.”


If you want to avoid being cheated, ask for prices at three different stores.


Solve one problem, and you keep a hundred others away.


If a girl seems as shy as a mouse, you still have to look out for the tiger within her.


To be totally at leisure for one day is to be immortal for one day.


A wise man adapts himself to circumstances as water shapes itself according to the vessel that contains it.


Whoever undertakes a task cannot repudiate the responsibility.


He who waits for a roast duck to fly in his mouth must wait a very long time.


The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.


It is easier to visit friends than to live with them.


A hobbling cat is better than a fast horse when rats swarm the palace.


In a group of many words, there is bound to be a mistake.


It is after a hundred battles that heroes are produced.


A hundred foot bamboo can progress yet another step.


[Even] with half of the Lun Yu / [Confucian] Analects [put into use], the country can be [well] ruled.


If one plants in the springtime, one will harvest in the fall.


Arrogance costs a fortune.


With a helmsman [i.e. leader] that is not nervous, the passengers [i.e. followers] [will feel] secure.


Don’t go tens of miles to sell firewood, or hundreds of miles to to buy grain.


All language is not in books, nor all thoughts in language.


He who has seen little is astonished at much.


If a man keeps his mouth shut, his words become proverbial.


The way to close the mouth of a slanderer is to treat him with contempt.


Great profits, great risks.


Who is the greatest liar? Who talks most of himself.


A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.


Joy is not a horse. You cannot harness it.


When economy goes south, people get political.


If you want to find out about the road ahead, then ask about it from those coming back.


Easy to open a shop, hard to keep it open.


A man who cannot tolerate small misfortunes can never accomplish great things.


If you want your children to have a peaceful life, let them suffer a little hunger and a little coldness.


One beam, no matter how big, cannot support an entire house on its own.


The people who talk the best are not the only ones who can tell you the most interesting things.


There are two kinds of perfect people: those who are dead, and those who have not been born yet.


Ripe fruit falls by itself, but it doesn’t fall in your mouth.


To know another is not to know that person’s face, but to know that person’s heart.


He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.


Better the cottage where one is merry than the palace where one weeps.


Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for life.


He who has never been cheated cannot be a good businessman.


He who thinks too much about every step he takes will always stay on one leg.


Tenacity and adversity are old foes.


Of all female qualities, a warm heart is the most valuable.


Before preparing to improve the world, first look around your own home three times.


All things change, and we change with them.


The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.


Do not do all you can, do not spend all that you have, do not believe all that you hear, and do not tell all that you know.


Do not tear down the east wall to repair the west wall.


If you are standing upright, don’t worry if your shadow is crooked.


If you want an audience, start a fight.


Married couples tell each other a thousand things without speech.


An accidental meeting is more pleasant than a planned one.


What is earned with hard labor is eaten with pleasure. {We often value thngs more when we've worked hard for them.]


The people sitting in the free theatre seats are the first ones to boo.


Wait till the Yellow Eiver becomes clear, and how old will you be?


Chu Chih-yu Quotes


Ching [mind concentration] is a virtue that is vital for all people. Each person comes in the course of his life to a crossroad where, if his thoughts are confused and he loses a grip over himself, he can go the wrong way and even become insane. But if he controls himself, he can take the right way and become a Sage.


Chu Hsi Quotes

(1130-1200) philosopher


But in our daily affairs there needs to be ethical nurture, so that when the time comes for action we may act intelligently. If we act hastily and without self-control, delaying preparation until it is too late, then by sheer neglect we fail to keep pace with events.


Chuang Tzu Quotes


Han State and Wei State were fighting over land that one had taken from the other. Tzu-hwa Tzu went to see Han's Marquis Kao-hsi. Finding him looking sorrowful, he said, “Suppose all the states were to sign an agreement that said, 'The person who gets the disputed territory will also get the entire Kingdom--but he will also lose his hands.' Would you take the Kingdom?” The marquis said he wouldn't. Tzu-hwa rejoined, “Very good. Looking at things from this point of view, you value your two arms more than the Kingdom. And you value your body more than your arms. You have that much concern for your body. And yet, here you are, sorrrowful and endangering your very life, fighting over a small part of the Kingdom.” The marquis Kao-hsi said, “Good! Many have given me their counsel about this matter; but I never heard what you have said.” Tzu-hwa Tzu may be said to have known well what was of great importance and what was of little.


Lieh Tzu was poor and looked hungry. A visitor mentioned that to Tzu-yang, the Premier of Kang State. “Lieh Tzu appears to be a scholar who has attained the Way. And yet, he's living in poverty. Is it because our ruler does not love [such] scholars?”

Tzu Yang immediately ordered an officer to send to him a supply of grain.

When Lieh-Tzu saw the messenger, he bowed to him twice and declined the gift, and the messenger went away.

His wife then complained to him, “I've heard that when someone poseeses the Way, his wife and children enjoy abundance and ease. And yet, we're half starved, and you're rejecting the ruler's gift of food. Is this [your so-called] 'Destiny.'?”

Lieh Tzu smiled and said to her, “The ruler doesn't know me. He sent me a gift merely because of what someone said to him. Should another person speak [differently] of me to him, he may regard me as a criminal. That's why I didn't accept the grain.”

Later, the region was in great disorder under Tzu-Yang, and the people put him [and many of his allies] to death.


Chung Yung Quotes


The way of the superior man may be compared to what takes place in traveling, when to go to a distance we must first traverse the space that is near, and in ascending a height, when we must begin from the lower ground. 15:1


When we have intelligence resulting from authenticity (ch'eng), this condition is to be ascribed to nature; when we have authenticity resulting from intelligence, this condition is to be ascribed to instruction. But given the authenticity, there shall be the intelligence; given the intelligence, there shall be the authenticity. 21


Frank A. Clark Quotes


It’s hard to detect good luck—it looks so much like something you’ve earned.


Ty Cobb Quotes

(1886-1961) baseball player


Every great batter works on the theory that the pitcher is more afraid of him than he is of the pitcher.


Stephen Colbert Quotes


America's greatest days are ahead of us. And our greatest days have aways been behind us. It's right now that's completely screwed up. And always has been.


John Churton Collins Quotes

(1848-1908) writer


Half of our mistakes in life arise from feeling where we ought to think, and thinking where we ought to feel.


Charles Caleb Colton Quotes

(1780-1832) author, clergyman, sportsman, gambler, and wine merchant


[Pride] makes some men ridiculous, but prevents others from becoming so.


If you are under obligations to many, it is prudent to postpone the recompensing of one, until it be in your power to remunerate all; otherwise you will make more enemies by what you give, than by what you withhold. [If you're in debt to a lot of people, it's better to repay none of them at all, than to repay one of them and create enemies of the rest.]


It is always safe to learn, even from our enemies, seldom safe to venture to instruct, even our friends.


We hate some persons because we do not know them; and we will not know them because we hate them.


We should pray with as much earnestness as those who expect everything from God; we should act with as much energy as those who expect everything from themselves.


The first consideration with a knave, is how to help himself, and the second, how to do it, with an appearance of helping you.


Calvin Coolidge Quotes


Those who trust to chance must abide by the results of chance.


We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.


Dane Cook Quotes


We all want to leave behind a legacy. We all want to be remembered for something. [One day I thought] "How can I be remembered?" And then I suddenly realized you can do it on a daily basis, even if it's one on one with people. For example, the other day I saw a young boy, and he was eating an ice cream cone. I ran up and I smashed it into his face. I leaned in, I go, "You remember me forever!" and I ran away. 'Cause you know when he's 50, he's gonna be like, "One day a man ran up to me, I did not know this man. He smashed my treat into my eyes. And he pointed and said, 'You fucking remember me forever.'" But I did not say fucking. I did not say that. He added "fucking" to make the story more intense and interesting. He deserves to have ice cream smashed in his face. 'Cause he's a lying 50 year old man. I did NOT say fucking.


Am I the only person here who loves to watch a couple together that hates each other's guts? That has to be the most entertaining thing, when you see two people that just hate each other together. And look--we've all been there. Everybody's been in that situation where you will stay with somebody, you don't even like them. Two weeks in and already you're like, "Pshh--no way. I can't stand this person, I'll hang around for 5 or 6 years, then we can end this thing violently. I got time." Girls, you make the craziest excuses to stay. Your friends will try and get you out of it. "Why don't you just go? Seriously Jill, just go, Jill. He's a jerk off. Just take your shit and go." You're like, "I can't just go Kim, it's not that simple. My CDs are in his truck. I can't just walk away from 40 or 50 CDs. It's gonna take 2 or 3 more years of abuse until I can leave with my CDs." That couple is the best. They fight over everything. Every little thing--huge explosion. And it's not even about the thing; it's about the fact that they wanna stab each other in the neck with a steak knife because they hate each other's existence. They get in what I call "nothing fights." Fights about absolutely nothing. Right? You see them waiting in line for the movie theatre. They hold hands--but it's not loving at all. It's like this rigor mortis, rheumatoid arthritis, red rover grip that they got going on. And everything's an argument. [Woman:] "I should probably bring my jacket. I might get cold." {Man:] "You bring your fucking jacket. Ya think. Do ya think? Yes. What if they're pumpin' AC in there, and then you're cold? I have to go out and I miss the previews cause I gotta get your fuckin' jacket. Bring your jacket." I love nothing fights. The best nothing fight I have ever seen in my life--I was at the supermarket a few months ago, and I'm going down the aisle, and I'm at the Stouffer's French Bread Pizzas, and I'm deciding, do I want four cheese or one cheese? 'Cause sometimes, I like a lot of cheese. Sometimes, I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth. And then sometimes, I'm into a more solo cheese adventure. Just a single, one on one. Me and one cheese. Then sometimes I want an orgy of cheese on my plate. So as I'm standing there, contemplating my cheese future, I hear the nothing fight going on in the next aisle. I don't know exactly what they are saying, but I hear mumbles and grumbles. OK? I hear the guy going (grumbles) and I hear the girl she's like: [Woman:] "(grumbles) care (grumbles) care. I don't even care (grumbels) care." [Man:] "(grumbles) care. I don't even care (grummbles) care." I hear the nothing fight. I start getting so excited. I'm like, "I gotta go watch this, I gotta go see this." I'm so excited, I leave my cart. You never leave your cart. God forbid somebody comes into the store and wants exactly that shit. And they're like "What? Jackpot. This is everything I wanted." I'm peeking around the Entenmann's cookies and I'm watching the best nothing fight that I've ever been a part of. They're in each other's face. OK? And the guy is saying to the girl, and he's doing it like this: "Do we have any jelly in the house? Do we or do we not have jelly? You said we did last time. I'm looking in the cabinets and I don't see any god damn jelly. I just wanna know if we have any jelly in the house." And she's egging him on, she's like, "I don't even like jelly. I don't even like jelly. I get hives if I even look at jelly. Wha--I don't even know about jelly. I've never even--what is jelly? I don't even care." And he's like, "I don't even give a shit about the hives. I want jelly in the fuckin' house. Stat. Pronto. Tonight. I don't give a--I will break your neck and pour jelly all over your body and pray to the gods of jelly to burn your soul in a jelly like hell. Now get the jelly!" I'm so excited, I'm eating the Entenmann's out of the box. I've opened a box and I am eating. I'll pay for it. Relax. I know you're concerned, but I'll pay. This is the point during the nothing fight that I like to get involved. I have to get involved and I have to say something. Just a little jab, a little poke that will fuel the fire, and help take it to the next level. As they're going back and forth, I walk by them, I lean in, and I go like this, "Hey dude, dude, dude. I know what you mean about the jelly, bro. Tell this twat to get jelly. Now." [Man:] "See, see! Get the jelly. Uh, what's that word again? What, Twat! Good word. Thanks bro. I didn't ev- I forgot about that word. GET THE JELLY TWAT! Great word dude, great word. Twat. Yes."


Three weeks ago... [I] saw someone get hit by a car. ... The guy gets tagged, OK? ... He's in the air flipping around. This is how he lands on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet and then he jumps in the air, and he starts walking around, embarassed. He's trying to play it off like he didn't just get hit by a car. People around him are like, "Oh my God! Oh my God! Are you alright? Are you OK?" He's like, "I'm fine, I'm fine. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry. But, uh, other than that I'm fi-" --"No you should really sit down. You're bleeding from the ears." "I know. I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head. It's tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles, and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine. I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush."


There's other things guys want besides sex. ... If they had the choice of sex or this one other thing, any guy here would rather be part of a heist! You know when you watch the movie Heat, you're like, "I want to do that!" You just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47. "[Machine gun firing] Where's the van! [Machine gun firing] The van was supposed to be here! [Machine gun firing]." We want that guy who's on a computer and is like, "Give me a minute. I just need one more minute. Dude, I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe. I'm in Friendster--they re-routed me into Friendster. I need a minute." "Where's the fucking van! [Machine gun firing]" There's always that guy on the team, too--he was a last minute replacement. He's not one of the original gang, but one of the guys vouches for him. "No, no dude--trust me, this guy's cool; he's solid and he's cool." But he's not cool, is he? He doesn't really say anything ever, right? He just stands there and looks cool. And at one point he might be like, "Let's kill these bitches." I want to be part of a heist. And I want to get shot here in the back of my leg. POW "OW shit!" It stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool. I keep looking at the blood, going, no no no no. Bleeding from the leg. "Where's the van!"

We wanna be a part of a heist. And then there's something else that we want even more than the heist, even more than sex. Any guy here would love to have a monkey. A pet monkey. And people get mad. And sometimes you'd say, "Oh--I'd love to have a monkey," and there's always that one anti-monkey person in the area. They overhear you. "Excuse me--I heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey. And that's a horrible idea. You do not want a monkey. You do not want a monkey." They're a monkey expert--and they start listing off all the reasons YOU can't have a monkey. "Let me tell you a few things. Can I just have a minute? Can I have a minute? Can I just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you don't know, before you jump to your conclusion? OK? It's more than just bananas and dancing with toothbrushes. OK? First of all, they crap in their own hands and they throw it around in a festive manner--like they're at a celebration of monkey poop. And they make faces that are unacceptable in society..." I hear these things and I'm like, "That's why I want a monkey. All those reasons! I don't want a nice, quiet monkey. I want an evil monkey that I can dress in armor give him a sword. Have fights with him inside my place." How pumped would you be, driving home from work, knowing some place in your house there's a monkey you're gonna battle! That's awesome! You walk in. "Uh, monkey? You here? Uh, where are you?" "I'm in your closet!" "Holy shit! You just talked!" "I taught myself to talk!" "This is incredibly odd!" "I know. Let's fight!" "OK."

This would be the ultimate. What if after the heist, you jump in the van, and the monkey is driving the van. "Get in! We gotta go! We gotta go! We gotta go!" Makes me sad, 'cause I know it'll never happen.


You ever do the little delete game? Do you like to do that? You go through--you take your contacts list. Sometimes you're in the doctor's office, right, and you just start scrolling through. You're like, "All right, who don't I need? Who don't I need in my life? Where can I get a megabyte " And it's kinda fun, right? You just scroll through. "All right, yeah, Peter. Peter. Yeah. Fuck Peter." Boom. And you really hit that delete button like you're deleting Peter from existence. Peter is sitting halfway around the world eating a steak, and the second you hit that button, he just turns to vapor. The fork falls.


"It's tough love, Dane. This is tough love, " You know, I'd stop once in a while, I'd be like, "Hey, dad, just quick question. When does the love part come into all this? When is, like, Sunday hug fest that we're gonna do? When are we gonna do, like, a tickle breakfast "


You know what's funny? You get into a car accident, right? Get into a car accident, you know. It doesn't matter if it's your fault or not. The other person always gets out of their car and looks at you like it is your fault. You know, they always get out of their car like this. "Why--why--why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80? Why?"


Confucius Quotes


I used to expect others to do what they said. Now I just listen to what they say and then observe what they do. 5:9


T’an T’ai appeared to be a superior person. Confucius thought he had great potential, so he took him in as a disciple. However, after interacting with him for a while, Confucius discovered that his conduct didn't match what he appeared to be. Ts’ai Yu’s speech was brilliant and cultivated. Confucius thought he had having great potential, so he took him in as a disciple. However, after interacting with him for a while, Confucius discovered that his wisdom didn't match his speaking skill. Thus, Confucius said, “Should I pick people based on their appearance? I made a mistake with T’an-t’ai. Should I pick people based on their speech? I made a mistake with Ts’ai Yu.” (Han Fei Tzu)


Tzu Hsia said to Confucius, “What do you think of Yen Hui?”

Confucius said, “Yen Hui has compassion—more than I do.”

“And Tzu Kung?”

“Tzu Kung is a better speaker than I am.”

“And Tzu Lu?”

“Tzu Lu is incredibly brave—much more than I am.”

“And Tzu Chang?”

“Tzu Chang he can keep dignity better than I can.”

Tzu Hsia then remarked, “So how come all four of them study under you?”

Confucius said, “Sit down and let me tell you. Yen Hui is compassionate, but is also inflexible about it. Tzu Kung is a great speaker, but he does not know when to stop talking. Tzu Lu is very brave, but he lacks prudence. Tzu Chang is very dignified, but unpleasant in social interaction. ... Even if I could, I wouldn't exahnge their virtues for my own. And that's why they'e intent on learning from me.” [Lieh Tzu]


Confucius was gracious yet grave, imposing yet not abusive, and respectful yet composedly calm. (Unattributed Quote, Analects 7:37)


When we don;t keep things within the bounds of what's appropriate, then respectfulness becomes petty, prudence becomes timid, bravery becomes rash, and uprightness becomes intolerant. (Analects 8:2)


If we lack the love of learning, then love of goodness will be beclouded by foolishness/being-deceived, love of knowledge/wisdom will be beclouded by vagueness, speculation, and superficial generalization, love of sincerity will be beclouded by deception/harm/insensibility, love of straightforwardness will be beclouded by rudeness/misdirected-judgment, love of valor/boldness will be beclouded by unruliness/lack-of-control, and love of persistence/firmness will be beclouded by stubbornness/foolishness/rashness. (Analects 17:8)


When a path is known to be dangerous, people wisely warn each other not go out on a journey there without many retainers. And yet, people often make the mistake of not not warining each other about the dangers that can come with certain lifestyle factors like diet and sleep. (Chuang Tzu 19:2:12:5)


The superior person is multi-perspectived and not one-sided. (Analects 2:14)


When the superior person deals with the world, he's not [biased] for or against anything—he [just] follows what's tight. (Analects 4:10)


Confucius was entirely free of foregone conclusions, arbitrariness, obstinacy/inflexibility/set/insist/certainly/bigotry, and egoism. (Unnatributed Quote, Analects 9:4)


Though [even] the Combined Army can have its commander taken away, no person can have his free will taken away. (Analects 9:25)


The superior person doesn't confine himself to praising people with his words; and so the people prove loyal to him. Thus, when he asks about those who are suffering from cold, he clothes them; or those who are suffering from want, he feeds them; and when he praises someone’s good qualities, he gives them rank. (Li Chi 29:48)


Therefore the superior should by all means be careful in what he likes and dislikes. This will make him an example to the people. (LC 30:4)


The practice of goodness comes from a person himself—can it really be from others? (Analects 12:1)


The individual can make the Way great. The Way doesn't [in an of itself] make the individual great. (Analects 15:28)


When it comes to goodness, we shouldn't yield its perfomance to anyone—even our teacher. (Analects 15:35)


The superior person composes himself before trying to move others. (Li Chi Appendix 3, 2:5:44)


When kindness is returned for kindness, the people are stimulated. When injury is returned for injury, the people are warned. (Li Chi 29:11)


Advance the upright and set aside the crooked, and the people will submit. (Analects 2:19)


A true aspirant doesn't experience ups and downs due to wealth and high status or poverty low status. He feels no disgrace that rulers and kings [may try to inflict]; he is above the bonds that elders and superiors [may try to impose]; and superior officers cannot distress him. That's a true aspirant--as opposed to the "aspirants" we often hear about. (Li Chi 38:19)


When you see worthiness, think of emulating it. When you see unworthiness, inwardly examine yourself. (Analects 4:17)


Learning (hsueh) and practicing it on due occasion—isn’t this satisfying? Having friends visit from afar—isn’t this delightful? But suffering no discomposure if others do not know—isn’t this characteristic of a superior person? (Analects 1:1)


I only instruct and guide people who are eager and have a feeling of urgency. If I present a part and someone doesn't come back with the rest, I won't continue. (Analects 7:8)


With friends, start by dutifully urging them and skillfully leading them to the Way. But if that doesn't work, it's not worth it to continue and make yourself vulnerable to indignity. (Analects 12:23)


In the right environment, both your conduct and your speech should be audaciously high. In the wrong environment, your conduct should be audaciously high, but there are many [potentially offensive] things you shouldn't say. (Analects 14:4)


Once, Duke Ai of Lu [State] said to Confucius, "In running the state, I aim to avoid 'getting confused due to a lack of advice.' And yet, I've found that consulting with my officials usually leads to disorder."

Confucius said, "When an enlightened sovereign consults his ministers, one minister might know while another might not, and the sovereign can preside over a conference while the ministers earnestly discuss the affairs before him. But nowadays, the officials of Lu all publicly parrot the opinions of [a wealthy and powerful man by the name of] Chi Sun. The state falls under the sway of the same bias--and even though you consult with everyone, the state cannot help but become disorderly." (Han Fei Tzu)


The superior person is tough, but not merely inflexible. (Analects 15:36)


There was Yen Hui; he loved learning (hsueh): he didn't misdirect anger; he didn't repeat mistakes. (Analects 6:2)


The superior person is dignified/confident/self-possessed but not arrogant and vain. (Analects 13:26)


Someone who doesn't care about what's distant will soon encounter worries at hand. (Analects 15:11)


By leading people with laws and regulating them with punishments, they'll [merely] seek to escape [punishments], but have no sense of shame [over wrongdoing]. (Analects 2:3)


Warming up the old and acquiring the new—this can be an adequate teacher. (Analects 2:11)


Rather than caring about being known, strive to be worth knowing. (Analects 4:14)


[Having people's approval isn't as good as] having good people's approval and bad people's disapproval. (Analects 13:24)


The superior person hates to die without having done anything to distinguish himself. (Analects 15:19)


Yen P’ing Chung was good at interpersonal relations. No matter how long or how well he knew someone, there would be mutual respectfulness the entire way. (Analects 5:16)


The superior person is in harmony with others, and doesn't merely conform. (Analects 13:23) [Social conformity isn't social harmony.]


He does not [hastily] agree with those who think like himself, nor condemn those who think differently. So does he stand out alone among others and take his own solitary course. Thus he takes his stand alone, and pursues his course, unattended. (Li Chi 38:15)


The superior person is dignified (jin er), but doesn't fight for it. He's sociable, but not clannish. (Analects 15:21)


In doing our duty, how can we work with base people? They care so much about getting and keeping an official position, that they become willing to do almost anything for it. (Analects 17:15)


Petty people are difficult to deal with. If you're familiar with them, they're disrespectful/immodest; if you maintain a distance, they're resentful. (Analects 17:25)


Congo Proverbs


He who does not like chattering woman will remain a bachelor.


A day of hunger is not starvation.


If you are too modest, you will go hungry.


The teeth are smiling, but is the heart?


You do not teach the paths of the forest to an old gorilla.


Cowboy Proverbs


Never ask a barber if he thinks yuh need a haircut.


After weeks of beans and taters, even a change to taters and beans is good.


When you’re trying’ somethin’ new, the fewer people that know about it, the better.


The length of a conversation don’t tell nothin’ ‘bout the size of the intellect.


Robert E. M. Cowie Quotes


Unless the man who works in an office is able to “sell” himself and his ideas, unless he has the power to convince others of the soundness of his convictions, he can never achieve his goal. He may have the best ideas in the world, he may have plans which would revolutionize entire industries. But unless he can persuade others that his ideas are good, he will never get the chance to put them into effect.


Adam Cozens Quotes

comedian


I like my women like I like my bottles of wine. Full of wine.


Frank H. Crane Quotes

(1912-) author


You often get a better hold upon a problem by going away from it for a time and dismissing it from your mind altogether.


Croatian Proverbs


It's easy for someone to talk about fasting when he has a full belly.


David Cross Quotes


[On being Jewish in the American South] All the parents see you as is a Jew; I'm a Jewish kid. I'm like a fucking alien to them, you know, I'm a freak...so If I slept over a friend's house, I'd always have to deal with these questions in the morning, like, you know, Mom coming in going, "David, I'm so sorry to have to ask you this, I'm so sorry, um...I'm fixing to make breakfast for everybody and I certainly wanna include you...and I'm just having some questions I was hoping you could answer...do y'alls people eat oatmeal?" What? Yeah. Is there something in the Torah that says we shouldn't eat oatmeal? "No, it's just that I don't know much about y'alls people, that's all, I just don't know--I know y'all hate Jesus! I know y'all hate Jesus, that much I do know...aad, I know y'alls have seven Jew bankers that control the world's money supply, right? In a bunker somewhere about a mile into the earth's core? Is that right? Yeah? And y'all do dances in the woods, y'all wear cloaks and do secret services and burn potions and whatnots, and y'all have horns--that's all I know about y'alls people!"


I have a few business ideas, and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.


I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family, and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said!


I am against the war, but I do support our white troops.


Samuel McChord Crothers Quotes


The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.


Cuban Proverbs


Every head is a world.


Brief encounters can result in long relationships.


Life is short; but it barely takes a second to smile.


Czech / Slovakian / Czechoslovakian Proverbs


What's soon ripe is soon rotten.


Only in water can you learn to swim.


The person who God shows a treasure to must dig it out himself.


Rodney Dangerfield Quotes


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy. Why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."


With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.


I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!


I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!


I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.


I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."


My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.


I had a lot of pimples, too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.


I went to see my doctor. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah. I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."


I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.


I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.


My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly, too!"


Dasavaikalika-Curni Quotes


Whenever a wise man notices himself deviating from the path of righteousness in thought, word or deed, he should immediately withdraw himself from that misdeed like a horse controlled by tightened reigns. (2:14)


Dasavaikalika Sutra Quotes


When a sinful deed is committees intentionally or unintentionally, one should immediately desist from that with a resolve not to repeat it. (8:31)


Danish Proverbs


Truth must be seasoned to make it palatable.


Money is more eloquent than a dozen members of parliament.


Many a man is a good friend but a bad neighbor.


Better to ask twice than to lose your way once.


Charles Darwin Quotes

(1809-1882) naturalist, scientist


The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts.


Jefferson Davis Quotes


Never be haughty to the humble; never be humble to the haughty.


Jeremy Dean Quotes

author of 'PsyBlog.com'


To illustrate the anchoring effect, let's say I ask you how old Mahatma Gandhi was when he died. For half of you I'll preface the question by saying: "Did he die before or after the age of 9?" For the other half I'll say: "Did he die before or after the age of 140?" ...according to the results of a study conducted by Strack and Mussweiler (1999), these initial statements, despite being unhelpful, affect the estimates people make. In their experiment, the first group guessed an average age of 50 and the second, 67. Neither was that close, he was actually assassinated at 87; but you can still see the effect of the initial number. We have a tendency to use anchors or reference points to make decisions and evaluations, and sometimes these lead us astray. ... ...It can be difficult to predict our future emotions and one reason is that we are anchored in how we feel right now. That's why people who have just had lunch feel like they'll never be hungry again; compared with those who haven't, who don't display the same short-sightedness. ... The initial price you set for the car, house or, more abstractly, for a deal of some kind, tends to have ramifications right through the process of coming to an agreement. Whether we like it or not, our minds keep referring back to that initial number. ... In real life things are more complicated than the Gandhi experiment. People usually have a choice about which house or car to buy or which deal to take and they can always walk away. Still, there's a good reason sticker prices on car forecourts are mostly so high. You can see the same effect in salary negotiations. There's some evidence that when the initial anchor figure is set high, the final negotiated amount will usually be higher (Thorsteinson, 2011). Incidentally, the anchoring effect is another reason that you should open negotiations rather than waiting for the employer to tell you the range: because then you can set the anchor higher. ... ...It [pthe anchoring effect] is thought to stem from our tendency to look for confirmation of things we are unsure of. So, if I'm told the price of a particular diamond ring is £5,000, I'll tend to search around looking for evidence that confirms this. ... The problem is that this explanation is less satisfying when the anchor is so manifestly unhelpful, like when you tell people that Gandhi was older than nine when he died. Perhaps, then, it's all down to our fundamental laziness. ... One way of avoiding this bias—whether it's emotional or in decision-making—is by trying to wriggle free from the anchor state. This can be done by thinking about other comparisons. That's what we're doing when we comparison shop: getting some new price anchors. In the realm of the emotions it might mean trying to compare with other emotional states, not just how you feel right now.


Jack Dee


Tattoos get removed, for free, on the NHS (National Health Service, UK). Okay? No no no no bloody no. Not while I'm in charge, okay? You put them on, you take them off, alright? The most the NHS should offer, in this regard, is a crossing out service. "Can you help me, I've got a name on my arm and we're not going out." "Yeah, come here." [bzzz bzzz] "Ahhh!"

I've never understood the tattoo appeal personally. I've never understood why you wanna hang around all Saturday morning in a part-time minicab office surrounded by dodgy surgical equipment while Alice Cooper stabs away at your hand and a German Shepherd licks the wound clean. ...

Flowers and little butterflies. And a Dolphin, yeah alright, they look alright. But I draw the line at Chinese writing, to be honest. Chinese writing, if you're not Chinese, "Do you like my Chinese? It's Chinese." I can see it is. What does it say? "It says, love and peace." How do you know? For all you know it could mean 'Choose one of the tattoos below'.


Edgar Degas Quotes


Painting is easy when you don’t know how, but very difficult when you do.


Democrates Quotes

Pythagorean Philosopher


It is hard to be governed by those who are worse than ourselves.


Benjamin Disraeli Quotes

(1804-1881) British statesman, writer


Religion should be the rule of life, not a causal incident to it.


Nurture your mind with great thoughts. To believe in the heroic makes heroes.


Dominican Proverbs


A rainbow would be considered even more beautiful if it wasn’t free.


It’s not the load that kills—it’s the excessive load.


Wallace B. Donham Quotes


Rules a man must have, if he is to play the business game successfully. But all the rules in the world... will not make him win unless he knows how to use them and can figure out how the other fellow is likely to think and act. What are his motives and his interests? Who are his friends? Where do his profits come from? The search for and discovery of the motives of the other side in a trade or a negotiation is one of the first essentials to success.

No book on business effectively warns you that if the boss is prejudiced against men who wear red neckties, it is your business to know it. Yet such little human elements are of great importance. We train our men to realize that understanding the other fellow is just as important as the rules; that they must think his thoughts and, if possible, think them first.


Frederick Douglass Quotes

(1818-1895) social reformer, writer, and public speaker


As those who believe in the visibility of ghosts can easily see them, so it is always easy to see repulsive qualities in those we despise and hate.


I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false and to incur my own abhorrence.


Liberty is meaningless where the right to utter one’s thoughts and opinions has ceased to exist. That, of all rights, is the dread of tyrants. It is the right which they first of all strike down.


Frederick Douglass Quotes


Maggie Doyne Quotes


One thing that I've learned as of late is that I'm a much better mom, and a much better person when I'm not stressed, when I've taken time to myself to go for a walk, or read a book, or just breathe a little.


Dutch Proverbs / Holland / Netherlands


Wise people can’t answer the most foolish questions.


Skill and assurance form/are an invincible combination/couple.


A praying pirate is definitely a sign of danger.


Thomas Alva Edison Quotes

(1847-1931) inventor


I find my greatest pleasure, and so my reward, in the work that precedes what the world calls success.


Edmuresay Quotes


I was recently in Las Vegas at the Hofbrauhaus drinking mass amounts of Dunkel with a very good friend of mine. It was his birthday and he was getting absolutely ham sandwiched. Well, the Das Boot comes full of beer and one of my buddies points at him and goes, "Drink that beer!"

He downs the whole Das Boot and looks at me with this look on his face and says, "Yep, I'm gonna go puke."

Being the nice guy that I am, I follow him to make sure all goes well. He's running to the bathroom, pushes the door open, and frantically searches for the first thing he can puke into. That happened to be one of those metal towel trash cans mounted to the wall. He gets about 25% of the puke in the can and the rest is running down the sides of the can and on to the floor.

Now, puking in the bathroom of the Hofbrauhaus is somthing that happens many times a night. So they have a employee whos job is to clean up the puke, spray some cologne on the guy, and give him some mouthwash.

The guy looks at my buddy's puke, looks at me, and then gets ready to do his job. My buddy looks at the guy and says, "Look bro, I may be drunk as shit, but there's no way I'm letting you clean up my puke."

He gets on his hands and knees and cleans up every drop of his own puke like it was his job. The bathroom attendant just kept telling me, "No one does this, man. Your friend is a REALLY good guy. Thank you so much."

I can't fully describe just how happy it made this guy to see someone clean up his own puke.


Albert Einstein Quotes

(1879-1955) physicist


The cult of individuals is always, in my view, unjustified. ... It strikes me as unfair, and even in bad taste, to select a few of them for boundless admiration, attributing super human powers of mind and character to them. This has been my fate, and the contrast between the popular estimate of my powers and achievements and the reality is simply grotesque.


Imagination is more important than knowledge.


Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.


Kaibara Ekken Quotes

(1630-1714) Neo-Confucian philosopher


Self-discipline is the main object, and through it, one becomes a man.


[The main object of learning is to] discipline ourselves and thus become true men.


[Let us] continue learning and be true men as long as we can breathe.


We aren't Sages, and we can't always be right.


The Way is extensive and the principles of rightness are subtle and not easy to explore or fully comprehend. Even brilliant individuals can't do so by their own individual talents.

We should suspend judgment and remain skeptical regarding whatever we have even the the slightest doubt about, but also avoid being overly credulous; we should value broad learning and wide experience, and avoid relying on inadequate information; we should be fair, objective, and avoid stubborn attachment to our own point of views; and we should reflect before making judgements, and avoid forming precipitate judgments.


We should not blindly regard all we has heard as true, reject what others say merely because they disagree, or be stubborn and refuse to admit mistakes. Having inadequate information, being overly credulous about what we have seen and heard, ridigly adhereing to our own interpretations, or making a determination in a precipitate manner—these four types of thinking are erroneous.


Even the ancients spoke of comprehensive knowledge. However, they often made empty pronouncements, since they weren't accustomed to personally testing things. And thus, many mistaken views have perpetuated. If someone speaks nonsense that's passed on by the multitude, it'll eventually become regarded as a fact.


Sincerity is the mind of the kami [gods]… if one has a mind of sincerity, the kami will surely respond. (Divine Injunctions)


Yen Chih-t’ui said, “It is difficult to be born with a human body. Do not pass your time in vain.”

He said this because being born as a human and being superior to other things is truly fortunate. If people could be reborn in in this world, even if they were negligent this time and did not know the human Way, they could rely on being born next time as a human. But since we cannot be reborn, we ought to live as a human being by learning the Way and morally cultivating ourselves.

We should not carelessly waste our time. If we do not know the Human Way and if we live aimlessly, it is of no avail to have been born as a human. This is lamentable.


Since it is extremely difficult to be born a human, we should not forget to relish the fact that we have received our precious body miraculously, and we should feel anxious about living aimlessly in this world and not knowing the Way of humans.


I believe that being born a human and not studying is the same as not being born; studying and not knowing the Way is the same as not studying; and knowing tso and not practicing it is the same as not knowing it.


Study is for the sake of knowing the Way. Studying poorly and not knowing the Way is the same as not having studied. Furthermore, knowing the Way is for the sake of practicing it. Studying and knowing the Way without practicing it is the same as not having learned it.

Thus, being born a human, we must study; and those who study must learn the Way.

If we know the way we will inevitably practice it well. Not practicing it is still not knowing the Way.

If we want to know the Way, we ought to follow the method of respecting the Sages’ teachings, and using wise people’s teachings as a guide. ….

If we lack a will to know the Way, if we have poor teachers, and if our path of scholarship is wrong, we won't get results, no matter how much of an effort we make and how diligently we study.

Thus, if we think we will study the Way, we must set our minds upon learning the Way at the beginning, follow illuminating teachers, associate with high caliber friends, and choose the art of learning.

The art of learning is the method of study. If it is a bad method, we will lack an understanding of the Way even if we make a lifetime effort.

Once we lose the Way, it is difficult to return to the correct the Way.

Thus, we ought to first choose the art of learning.


Even the ancient Sages were instructed by their teachers—so how much more so should ordinary people nowadays.


The basis of learning is establishing a resolve. The resolve is the mind/heart’s direction. Establishing a resolve is knowing and practicing the Way by thinking earnestly and fervently with a mind/heart with an aim of becoming a superior person.

If we study without a goal, we won't be successful--as stated in the ancient saying, "Establishing one's resolve is half of learning."

For example, establishing a one’s resolve is like shooting an arrow aiming at a target, or setting out on a road aiming at a destination.

For all tasks, we must first make an effort at the beginning. Establishing a goal is the root of learning. In establishing a goal, we must have courage and not be lazy or timid. If we are lazy or ineffectual, we won;t make progress. ...

Thus, it is good to keep single-mindedly on the Way, and not become enamored by extraneous things.

In the History, it says, "If we trifle with things, we'll lose our aim."

"Trifling with things" means that we distort the mind/heart by pampering the senses, indulging the desires, being fond of extraneous things, or becoming overly fond of various useless skills. If we become enamored by extraneous things, we'll lose the great goal of becoming a superior person by studying the Way. By trifling with and enjoying extraneous things, we'll lose our resolve.


[I]t's difficult to achieve something without single-mindedness. ... When the mind is divided and moving here and there, learning and morality’s aim declines and falls into disuse.


Establishing a goal can be compared to the example of a person in the west thinking “I will go east.” Each day as he walks, he constantly thinks “Day and night I will proceed east.” This is establishing one’s resolve to go west. If he does this, he without a doubt will ultimately arrive at his destination.

We must be sincerely resolute in the Way.


TS Eliot Quotes


Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm--but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it; or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.


Carl Elliott Quotes


I'm not sure when my perspective changed. It might have been when I met a biologist who writes fake scientific articles for the drug industry. It could have been when a friend confided that he used to produce fake television news stories promoting new drugs, or when a physician-researcher in Alabama was sent to federal prison for faking data in a clinical trial of the antibiotic Ketek. But the real turning point probably occurred when I came across a community of professional research subjects who fake their medical histories to get into high-paying clinical studies, then fake painful side effects when they want to get out. Fake science, fake news, fake researchers, fake subjects: (White Coat, Black Hat)


Jaques Ellul

(1912–1994) philosopher, law professor, sociologist, theologian, and Christian anarchist


[S]uccessful propaganda will occupy every moment of the individual's life: through posters and loudspeakers when he is out walking, through radio and newspapers at home, through meetings and movies in the evening.


[W]hat is at issue here is evaluating the danger of what might happen to our humanity in the present half-century, and distinguishing between what we want to keep and what we are ready to lose, between what we can welcome as legitimate human development and what we should reject with our last ounce of strength as dehumanization. I cannot think that choices of this kind are unimportant.


Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes

(1803-1882) Philosopher, lecturer, essayist and poet


To the body and mind which have been cramped by noxious work or company, nature is medicinal and restores their tone. The tradesman, the attorney comes out of the din and craft of the street, and sees the sky and wood, and is a man again. In their eternal calm, he finds himself. The health of the eye seems to demand a horizon. We are never tired, so long as we can see far enough. (“Nature”)


Ralph Waldo Emerson Biography Quotes


English Proverbs


Half the world does not know how the other half lives.


Undertake no more than you can perform.


Better to be safe than sorry.


Actions speak louder than words.


A good example is the best sermon.


A change is as good as a rest.


In a calm sea, every man is a pilot.


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure


A stitch in time saves nine.


A Danger foreseen is half avoided.


A chain is no stronger than its weakest link.


Cursing the weather is never good farming.


Marie Ebner von Eschenbach Quotes


We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don’t care for.


Estonian Proverbs


The work will teach you how to do it.


Ethiopian Proverbs


A close friend can become a close enemy.


When the hyena is gone, the dog barks.


James Evans, Sr. Quotes


Now there are some people out there that ain’t nothing but animals. And they make you fight them to survive. And if you don’t fight them, they just keep picking at you and picking at you until you ain’t got nothing left.


Mark Edward


[As a clairvoyant,] You have to gauge the tone of a person's voice. If they are aggressive or laid back, in a hurry or skeptical. The first four or five words are important. ... All these things about yourself are relatable. Nine out of 10 times you will hit a nerve with them. Then I'd pause and let them jump in. People love talking about themselves and hear what you say about them. They like to imagine I'm in some far off convent, but really I'm ironing at home. And I'd try to be compassionate and sound as new age as you can. ... I would have note cards by my phone for specific answers. Pink for love. Yellow for travel. Green for money. Then I'd talk about a childhood memory of mine. Less is more. Eventually you will find something relatable. Just one or two firm connections, and you'll run with the ball. Once you make that hit, it pours out. And then you mirror. Let the person talk and then you listen and say, "I hear what you're saying is this," "I feel what you're saying." I fed them hope."


Fijian Proverbs


Life is like this: sometimes sun, sometimes rain.


Finnish Proverbs


Being in love is like feeling the sun from both sides.


Martin Fitzuh

dentist


[After noticing that the metal cup holder for my paper cups was tarnished, I wrote this letter to my cleaning woman who came twice a week:] "My dear Bridget, I see you so seldom, I thought I’d take the time to thank you for the fine job of cleaning you’ve been doing. By the way, I thought I’d mention that since two hours, twice a week, is a very limited amount of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel you need to do those ‘once-in-a-while’ things like polishing the cup holders and the like. I, of course, will pay you for the extra time."

The next day, when I walked into my office, my desk had been polished to a mirror-like finish, as had my chair, which I nearly slid out of. When I went into the treatment room, I found the shiniest, cleanest, chrome-plated cup holder I had ever seen, nestled in its receptacle. I had given my charwoman [cleaning woman] a fine reputation to live up to; and, because of this small gesture, she outperformed all her past efforts. How much additional time did she spend on this? That’s right. None at all.


Emmet Fox Quotes


We are not obliged to like anyone; but we are under a binding obligation to love everyone, love, or charity as the Bible calls it, meaning a vivid sense of impersonal good will. This has nothing directly to do with the feelings, though it is always followed, sooner or later, by a wonderful feeling of peace and happiness.


Jeff Foxworthy Quotes


I think any guy who films his wife giving birth, she ought to be able to film his hemorrhoid surgery later on.


French Proverbs


The happiness of the human race in this world does not consist in our being devoid of passions, but in our learning to command them.


When you rely too much on reason, you end up not relying enough on feeling.


Money is a good servant but a bad master.


Vanity has no greater foe than vanity.


Life is half spent before one knows what life is.


Women will believe any lie that is wrapped in praise.


Do not find fault with what you do not understand.


Courtesy that is all on one side cannot last long.


Late is worth more than never.


The common property donkey is the worst saddled.


Remember that everyone you ever meet is sure to fear something, to love something, and to have lost something.


Do not talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung.


Sonya Friedman Quotes

psychologist


Don’t count on others to hand your life to you. (On a Clear Day You Can See Yourself, p. 23)


No matter what you do in life, someone important to you isn’t going to like it. (38)


Some people are not capable of giving you what you’re trying to get from them. (38)


R. Buckminster Fuller Quotes

(1895-1983) poet, philosopher, inventor, and architect


Don’t fight forces; use them.


Allen Funt Quotes

(1914-1999) TV personality who created and hosted the show Candid Camera


… [Children are] so original, so independent. ... But adults are consistently herd-minded, conformant, subject to group pressure.


Diane Von Furstenberg Quotes


Life is a risk.


Gabon Proverbs


Bad friends will prevent you from having good friends.


Jim Gaffigan Quotes


Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! Yeah! Yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! I just do this for an hour. Yeah yeah yeah yeah! "That was the worst show I've ever seen!"


New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. Everything looks familiar, 'cause I grew up here. Oh, where do I need to go? Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."


I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time. 'Let's go buddy! Holland tunnel!' '...Uh..I-I was just going to the store... I didn't realize it was my shift. Well, let's see... the Holland Tunnel is in my ass... alright?"


You ever walk behind someone walking so slow, you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them?


You ever walk next to that stranger who wants to walk the same speed as you? "Get the fuck away from me! What are we--on a date here?"


You ever been walking next to some stranger and for no reason at all you decide that if you beat them to the corner, you'll be a millionaire?


Isn't it strange when you're single all you see are couples; and then when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers?


Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."


You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."


How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."


I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."


The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape. It looks like a retired football ... The manatee is also called the sea cow. I mean ... that kind of sounds like an insult. It's almost as if the manatee was introduced to the ocean, the other animals were like, "Who's the new guy?" And the manatee was like "Hi everyone, you can call me the manatee!" "Yeah right, sea cow." "Uh, it's manatee." "Sea cow, fatass, tub of shit." "Quit it." ... Doesn't the manatee kind of look like a guest on the Ricki Lake show? "Uh, Ricki, I'm here because I'm endangered." Then one of those mean people in the audience would offer up the advice, "Yeah, I want to say something to the sea pig!" "That's sea cow..." "Whatever, sea pig. You gotta get yourself an education and a job!" "Uh, I live in the ocean." "It just so happens you live in the ocean 'cuz you ain't got no job!" "I don't know what you're..." "You gotta get in Weight Watchers, some kinda program!" "I have a layer of blubber to keep my body warm in the water..." "Whatever, talk to my hand." "...I don't have a hand."


I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) "Get away from him." Would you ever take directions from someone who looks like this? "Where you gotta go?" "Uh, 49th street." "Why don't we take my spaceship? I gotta pick up Santa Claus, anyway."


You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."


When you don't drink, people always need to know why. "You don't drink. Why?" This never happens with anything else. "You don't use mayonnaise? Why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside..."


You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"


I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."


Lifetime is television for women. ... Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."


I saw this college team [bowling] championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"


You never want to be the worst bowler of the group--because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We’re praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they’ll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don’t you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"


I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."


Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something. But you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."


The indoor pool. That's always relaxing, right? Until anyone else shows up. Because then you're in a gigantic tub, essentially in your underwear with some stranger lurking there. The polite thing to do is ignore the other person. Because there's nothing you can say at that point that doesn't sound creepy. You can't be like, "Hey, hop in! What room are you staying in? I didn't shower before I got in here. I kind of count this as a bath." ... Really, whatever people are doing in the hotel pool, it seems a little odd. Even that person swimming laps--I'm always like, "Settle down, spaz. You're at the Ramada, not the Olympics." If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah--that dad was a tough one to kill. What room are you staying in?" ... You will see people in the indoor pool you would never see in a swimming pool. Occasionally there will be a sweet old lady, someone's great-grandma, 90 years old, paddling around. "I haven't been in a pool since the 30s." Why do they always swim like this. "If my hair gets wet, I'll melt. Good thing I brought my shower cap. I made this suit out of curtains upstairs. What room am I staying in?"


I wish I was ethnic. I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, "He's got a Latin temper." If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, "That guy's a jerk."


I wish I was Korean--'cause then my interest in Asian women wouldn't be considered so creepy.


I only dated one Asian girl. But she was very Asian. She was a panda.


Boy, pet stores don’t like it when you ask, “What is the most delicious animal you sell here?”


They could find out that kale cures cancer, and I would still go with the chemo.


Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."


I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."


You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.


There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket. For those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.


I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, "I'm glad I ate that." I'm always like, "I'm gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts."


"Uh, tonight's specials. We have a sea bass, which is broiled, and we have a hot pocket, which is cooked in a dirty microwave." "Hello sir, is your hot pocket cold in the middle?" "Yeah it's frozen." "Well I can serve it to you boiling lava hot." "Will it burn my mouth?" "It will destroy your mouth! Everything will taste like rubber for a month!" "Ill have the hot pocket."


I saw a commercial for a chicken potpie hot pocket. Now they're just messing with us. It's just a matter of time-- "have you tried the hot pocket hot pocket? It's a hot pocket filled with a hot pocket. Tastes just like a hot pocket.


It’s fun telling people you go to McDonald’s. They always give me that look like, "Oh! I didn’t know I was better than you." ... I’m tired of people acting like they're better than McDonald’s. It’s like, you may have never set a foot in McDonald’s, but you have your own McDonald’s. Maybe instead of buying a Big Mac, you read US Weekly. Hey, that’s still McDonald’s. It’s just served up a little different. Maybe your McDonald’s is telling yourself that Starbucks Frappuccino is not a milkshake. Or maybe you watch Glee. It’s all McDonald’s. McDonald’s of the soul. Momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt, eventually leading to cancer. Really it’s all McDonald’s out there. "Scarlett Johansson got a haircut? Why do I give a shit?" Because it’s McDonald’s, and that feels good, going down. By the way if you care who Prince William married, that’s Burger King.


I do love food. I like to eat late at night, too. You know, you're not supposed to eat late at night. Then again, you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning. And apparently, you're never supposed to smoke crack. Whoa, whatever! I'm not training for the Olympics! Sorry. After an entire hour of work, I wanna unwind with a burger and a crack pipe. If I do that every night, does it make me some crackhead?


I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.


I love the fast food. I do wish I was there when they decided on the size of those ketchup packets. I'm not saying I need a gallon--but maybe enough for more than one fry. I always end up opening 20. I look like a heroin addict. "I'm gonna party " ... They always give you three packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."


Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "


What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel "


My wife thinks I'm trash 'cause I use a lot of ketchup on my sushi. I find it gets rid of the fish flavor.


If you've never been to a Waffle House, just imagine a gas-station bathroom that sells waffles.


I don't like it when they separate the up and the down escalator. They do that in malls. You're like, "Where's the down escalator? " "Oh, that's conveniently located a mile away. Did you bring a canoe?"


I'm surprised we can still get people to camp. "Hey, want to burn a couple of vacation days sleeping on the ground?" "Uh, no." "What if I told you you get to crap standing up?" "I still wouldn't want to go." "You'll wake up freezing " "All right, I'll go.


When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows--like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.


You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, and you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go, "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this."


Do you ever have one thing to do all day, but you just can't get yourself to do it? "I gotta go to the post office. But I'd probably have to put on pants."


You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? "Oh shit!" There's always one person at work: "Hey--did you get a haircut?" "No--not really." "What smells like smoke in here?" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. I only had 48 hours to take a shower. I was kind of busy."


You ever been asleep at night, and you're awakened by a noise, and you're convinced there's someone breaking into your house and they're gonna kill you--but instead of getting up and escaping, you just go back to bed? "What is that a murderer? I gotta get some sleep. Can't kill me if I'm asleep!" That'd be embarrassing, you get to heaven. "Hey, how'd you die?" "Oh me? I was too lazy to get out of bed. Yeah--I heard the guy in the kitchen and I thought I had an hour."


Sleep can make you give up any principle. "Hey do you want to help the homeless?" "Yeah sure, I'll help the homeless." "Alright, meet you Saturday at 6:00am." "Oh, fuck the homeless. They're homeless in the afternoon, too. I think they're big brunch people. We should let them sleep in a little bit."


As it is, I have to negotiate with myself just to get out of bed. "Alright, here's the deal, me. I'll get up, but I'm not taking a fucking shower. That's something we'll negotiate later on."


It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."


Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that. Just dream I'm in a techno club or something."


How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.


"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody


You ever have a dream where you get in an argument with someone, then the next time you see them they're like, "Hey, how ya doin'?" You're like, "Fuck you. Don't act like you didn't push me off that cliff. You're lucky I had wings, buddy. VERY LUCKY."


It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream, you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"


My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.


Tradition [on Valentine's Day] is, we give each other those big red hearts filled with the gamble chocolate. Have you ever eaten any chocolate out of those big red hearts with any confidence? "Hmm, well, this could either be really good or totally nasty. I'm just pig enough to find out. Ah--I got the one filled with toothpaste! I'm gonna have to eat another nine to get rid of that flavor."


I know nothing about St. Valentine. I assume he's the patron saint of overpriced greeting cards. That's an odd ritual, really. You know, we go out and we buy cards that already have things written in 'em. "... Hmm... Hey, that's something I'd say. I'll just add my name here " (humming) "Here you go! You like what that other guy wrote in there? Took me five seconds to find it. "


It can be hard to give a gift. It's a gamble, you know? I could--it's hard. I can't believe we're still giving clothing as a gift, 'cause whenever you get clothing as a present, you always open it up and you think, "not even close." And the person that gives it is always like, "you can take it back " that's all right. 00:25:55 I'll just throw it out. 00:25:57 Don't give me an errand. 00:26:00 " why don't you head to the mall for me? 00:26:03 If you'd get my dry cleaning, that'd be awesome."

I got a robe for christmas. I remember looking at the robe, thinking, wow, hope I get the flu so I can wear it. 00:26:15 I mean, who has the time to enjoy a robe? I mean, what, are we about to shoot a porno? 00:26:23 That's a weird piece of clothing. 00:26:25 How'd we even come up with the robe? 00:26:28 Was some guy, "hey, I got an idea. 00:26:30 How about we make a coat out of a towel? And there could be a belt .. 00:26:36 And you could dunk the belt in the toilet. 00:26:41 " the indoor jacket, the robe. 00:26:47 You ever see someone outside in a robe? 00:26:49 They look like they escaped from the loony bin. Do you ever get a candle as a gift? "Hey, thanks. You know I have electricity, right?" How can you tell when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.


You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."


I love how we measure the difficulty of everything versus brain surgery. 00:47:17 "Hey, it ain't brain surgery. 00:47:19 " what do brain surgeons say? 00:47:23 .. 00:47:24 " (breathy voice) "HEY, I'm a brain surgeon, buddy. 00:47:32 I didn't appreciate that. 00:47:35 " (normal voice) I DO WANT Everyone to feel comfortable, and that's why I'd like to talk to you about jesus. 00:47:44 (breathy voice) "HE-- " (normal voice) IT DOESN'T MATTER If you're religious or not. 00:47:50 Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, "i'd like to talk to you " yeah, I'd like you not to. 00:47:59 You could say that to the pope-- I wanna talk to you about jesus. 00:48:01 He'd be like, "easy, freak. 00:48:04 " I have to admit, that was a good impression of the pope.


I just don't know how honest people are being in there [confession]. They go in there for, like, a minute and a half--"Yeah, I lied, I double-parked. Can we wrap this up? 00:50:41 I'm meeting a hooker."


Emily Galati


A group of British people crashed our 4th of July beach-party. Don't think they understand the holiday.


I expect so little from movies these days that I always leave entertained.


Just saw a dude in a full Princess Leia costume. The weird part: he had a fanny pack.


John Kenneth Galbraith Quotes


In any great organization it is far, far safer to be wrong with the majority than to be right alone.


Jose Ortega y Gasset Quotes

(1883-1955) Influential philosopher who focused on the individual perspective


Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are.


Georgian Proverbs


Whomever I love is the most beautiful.


German Proverbs


No person can like all, or be liked by all.


An enemy that is surprised is already half-defeated.


Great pains cause us to forget the small ones.


Your friend’s enemy might be your best friend.


A fence between makes love more keen.


No lie so gross that it does not find believers.


A good lie finds more believers than a bad truth.


An old lie is often more popular than a new truth.


Truth that is poorly timed is as bad as a lie.


Who does right is born of God.


Who is healthy and free is rich.


Work is good, as long as you don’t forget to live.


Guard your mouth as well as you guard your chest.


Loving and singing are two things that should not be forced.


German Proverbs


Jon Gery Quotes


You just can't make everyone happy. It is a law. But if you try, and go a little bit out of your way, you could make someone smile. It is a law.


George Getty Quotes


You must never try to make all the money that’s in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money too, because if you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won’t have many deals.


J. Paul Getty Quotes

(1892-1976) oil tycoon, investor, and philanthropist


I would rather earn 1% off a 100 people’s efforts than 100% of my own efforts.


The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.


In times of rapid change, experience can sometimes be your worst enemy.


Ghanaian Proverbs


The tongue kills a man and the tongue saves a man. (Ashanti)


Only a fool tests the water’s depth with both feet.


One lie spoils a thousand truths.


Abu Hamid Al-Ghazali Quotes

(1058-1128) Sufi philosopher


…The distinctive aspect of mysticism is something that cannot be understood by study, but only by dhawq [tasting / immediate experience]… There is a big difference between knowing the meaning and the causes of health and satiety, and being healthy and satisfied.


Paul Gilbert and Jeremy N.V. Miles Quotes


This study also found that those who see themselves as relatively down rank tend to blame themselves for criticism, while those who feel relatively superior, tend to blame others.


Jerry Gillies Quotes

Speaker and author of books such as Moneylove (1978) and Psychological Immortality (1981)


You will recognize your own path when you come upon it, because you will suddenly have all the energy and imagination you will ever need.


Greg Giraldo Quotes


They [your kids] just watched a movie where this candy treat makes robots fly. You think you're gonna get them on the celery sticks? "Come on, eat the celery. It's good. It's got fiber in it. Yeah, I know those [junk foods on TV] make people fly--but these will keep you from getting polyps in your 60s in your rectum. Come on--can't you be a little more forward-thinking, you fucking eight year old? Grow up a little." ... You got a better chance of getting a crackhead to switch to eggnog at that point.


When did the peanut become the most toxic substance known to man? Have you tried going anywhere near a school with peanut butter? Holy shit. They look at you like you slathered it on your [bleep] and went skipping across--"Which one of you hot little motherfuckers wants some peanut butter? I got jelly. I got jelly. You just have to dig for it a little. Come on. Where--hey, where you going?"


You know who's got to feel terrible about this election? Barack Obama's brother. He's got a half brother who's, like, a homeless guy in Kenya. Every politician has that fuck up asshole brother. You know. Barack's got his brother. Bill Clinton had Roger Clinton. Jimmy Carter, of course, had Billy Carter. And Jeb Bush has George Bush.


[Obama] said, "Well, I made a deal with Michelle that I could run for president if I quit smoking. So you know how that played out." ... Really? Really? You really think that's how it went down. Really? He had ask for permission? He had to make a little deal with wifey-poo to run for fucking President of the United States? "Please, Michelle, please? I really, really want to be Presdient." ... If that's true, how would he ever possibly negotiate with other world leaders? "You'll halt the development of your nuclear program immediately." "Really? Did your wife tell you to say that? Look at me. I'm smoking. I love to smoke! Oh, it's delicious to smoke. Should I just talk to Michelle directly, or do you have any fucking balls at all left--you pussy-whipped ___?! ... You know what I'd tell me wife if she told me to quit smoking? I'd cut her fucking tits off. That's what I would do."


People talk to each other in this city [New York] in a way that is just not normal. I was stopped at a light the other day. These two guys were unloading a truck. One guy looks at the other guy. He goes, "Hakuna Matata, motherfucker! From the motherfucking Lion King." Hakuna Matata, motherfucker. What could have possibly preceded that part of the conversation? What kind of "What's your favorite Disney cartoon song?" debate ends up with "Hakuna Matata" and "motherfucker" in the same sentence? That must have just built all day long, you know? "No, that song sucks, man. I like the other one: Under the sea / Under the sea." "Nah, man. Hakuna Matata." "Don't be a fucking pussy, alright? It's 'Under the Sea.'" "Hakuna Matata, motherfucker!"


I was in the subway the other day. This guy screams across the tracks, screams across the tracks. He goes, "Yo, Monica! Yo, Monica! Yo--you got AIDS, yo!" And I thought, "Wow, that's how they do it" That Michael Moore is right. We have the worst fucking health care system. Up in Canada, they call you up probably, right? Maybe an email or something? They don't just hire a Puerto Rican kid to scream across the tracks. What kind of shitty way is that to get health news? "Yo Greg, your cholesterol's up." "Thank you, Hector. Thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule of barbecuing on the shoulder of the cross Bronx expressway, bringing me up to speed "


he's on every commercial. He was on something for a hotel chain. He's like, "i love pillows! 00:53:04 " [bleep]. 00:53:08 Good to have some passions, michael.


Ken Giuffre Quotes


Mr JLP is the father of one of my best childhood friends. I've always been quite amazed at how this man so perfectly and seamlessly combined the roles of father/husband/very successful entrepreneur. ... Mr. JLP is alive and well and I've used the past tense only because it has been over a decade since I've actually spoken to him.

... When we were very young Mr. JLP left a sales job to risk it with his own company at a point when he had 3 young children and another on the way. He was a calculated risk taker but a man of incredible fortitude. I know what a priority family was for him. From what I understand he lost both his parents by age 19, and yet he had enough faith in himself to put it all on the line for a better life, for which he succeeded wildly. Nothing rattled this man. For instance about 10 years ago I ran into him at my hospital. In his early 70's at the time he quietly snuck in for a major cancer operation so as not to worry his family. I saw him roughly 20 minutes prior to the start of surgery. He sat up in the stretcher, greeted me with his characteristic warm broad smile, and shook my hand with a calm strong energy more like a man waiting for a haircut. His charisma was his warmth and extreme confidence that eclipsed any hint of trepidation. He even joked that he was glad I wasn't his anesthesiologist because he remembered all the times as a kid I forgot to bring my skates to hockey practice. This was a man who at his age regularly swam out in the ocean many yards from shore without fear.

... Mr. JLP ended up with a hugely successful company and like many, could have buried himself in the business. Instead he was a pillar of the community on the board of education, attending all his kids' football, baseball and hockey games, and serving as an usher in the local church. When Mrs JLP suffered a severe permanently-disabling stroke he remained by her side during what was more than a decade of difficulty for her. She was a devoted wife and mother who regularly entertained a huge contingency of friends and relatives at their houses and beach home. In her time of need he did not desert her. He also exposed his four children to the business side of life, early-on often entertaining customers in his own home and letting them see his 'business face' so that now his 3 sons run the business. They each have the same incredible inner confidence, fortitude and humor; each expressed uniquely in each. ... As kids the LP children did not want for material possessions but make no mistake, they were loved but also dealt with very strictly and not coddled or indulged like many other well-to-do offspring. They are as comfortable with celebrities as they are with their own employees. There are no barriers, no shyness, and unlike the cliche of the spoiled child who runs daddy's bz into the ground, they have kept the business in a prime state. There is no subterfuge, maneuvering or jealousy between them and if there are any rivalries, appropriately, nobody outside knows about them.

... [Mr. JLP] knew each of his kids uniquely and thus was able to apply the right amount of discipline to get the behavior he wanted. He also always had his hand on the pulse of new trends and gadgets... I saw the first microwave oven in their home, the first VCR, and the first true video game (Pong).

... A man who entertained but whom I never saw drunk to the point of lewdness or inappropriate words or deeds, Mr, JLP was a religious man who did not wear it on his sleeve. I also never heard him say anything negative about another individual that he was not afraid to express to that person face to face--and he had no problem doing that. He was a man of strong opinion on most matters, unafraid to express it openly, but whom I've never seen go so far as to lose his temper or make a fool of himself.

I believe that... maintaining the kind of balance you describe as husband, father, worker/manager requires a cadre of personal qualities rather than a specific set of methods. These personal qualities like fortitude, confidence, devotion and moderation become as I hope you see in my example, create a foundation upon which that balance you ask about cannot help but result.


Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe Quotes

(1749-1832) novelist, poet, theologist, philosopher, and scientist


If you want to get pleasure out of life, you must attach value to the world.


If we had to depend for our life upon the favor of others, we should never have lived at all; from their desire to appear important themselves, people gladly ignore our very existence. (Schopenhauer paraphrase)


The man who is born with a talent which he is meant to use, finds his greatest happiness in using it. *


I respect the man who knows distinctly what he wants.


One can be very happy without demanding that others agree with him.


All theory, my friend, is grey. But green is life's golden tree.


Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe Biography and Quotes


Vincent Van Gogh Quotes

(1853-1890) eccentric artist


Like everyone else I feel the need of relations and friendship, of affection, of friendly intercourse, and I am not made of stone or iron, so I cannot miss these things without feeling, as does any other intelligent man, a void and deep need. I tell you this to let you know how much good your visit has done me.


I am seeking, I am striving, I am in with all my heart.


Bobcat Goldthwait Quotes


Most people in showbiz are either bitter that they aren’t huge stars or unhappy that they are. From the Starbucks barista to Oscar winners, almost everyone thinks that they’re getting a raw deal.


Lama Anagarika Govinda


I have been a citizen of two worlds, nourished from the great traditions of Western culture in my early youth, and sustained by the ancient and sacred traditions of the East, where I spent the greater part of my life. It is hoped that this book will be a bridge between these two worlds, not as a manual or a mere source of information, but an incentive for others to cross the bridge in both directions.


Baltasar Gracian Quotes


Keep matters for a time in suspense. Admiration at their novelty heightens the value of your achievements. It is both useless and insipid to play with your cards on the table. (3)


Do not condemn alone that which pleases all. There must be something good in a thing that pleases so many—even if it cannot be explained it is certainly enjoyed. Peculiarity is always hated and, when in the wrong, laughed at. (270)


Nothing depreciates a person more than to show he is just like anyone else. The day he is seen to be all too human he ceases to be thought divine. (289)


What is flattery to one is offense to another, and in attempting to be useful you may become insulting. (233)


Things pass for what they seem, not for what they are. Few see inside, many get attached to appearances. It is not enough to be right if your actions look false and ill. (99)


Know how to appreciate. There is no one who cannot teach somebody something, and there is no one so excellent that he cannot be excelled. To know how to make use of everyone is useful knowledge. Wise men appreciate everyone, for they see the good in each and know how hard it is to make anything good. (195)


Know what is lacking in yourself. Many would have been great people if they had not had something wanting, without which they could not rise to the height of perfection. It is remarkable that some people could be much better if they could be just a little better in something. They do not perhaps take themselves seriously enough to do justice to their great abilities. (238)


Do not become bad from sheer goodness—that is, by never getting angry. Such people without feeling are scarcely to be considered human. It does not always arise from laziness, but from sheer inability. To feel strongly on occasion shows personality; birds soon mock at the scarecrow. It is a sign of good taste to combine bitter and sweet. All sweets is diet for children and fools. It is a great evil to sink into such insensibility out of too great goodness. (266)


Baltasar Gracian Biography and Quotes


Tim Greaton


When I first purchased my home an elderly neighbor used to visit regularly. He was a foul-mouthed man. It wasn't through drink because he never drank. He also had a truly kind heart. He was just in the habit of swearing--a lot!

And, it turns out, he was also sick.

During the last months of his life my home was the only outside location he ever chose to go. I would let him talk for hours while I worked. In his last weeks he paced a lot to relieve his fear of the pains that were growing in his chest.

When my neighbor passed I was at the hospital and called his family to make sure they got there in time. I was also at his funeral; one of the few friends he still had left in this life.

I still smile when remembering my foul-mouthed friend. If he could, he would say, "You %$#@ better remember me!" Then he would genuinely wish me a happy and healthy life.


Gil Greengross and Geoffrey Miller Quotes


The public perceives comedians as ostentatious and flashy. Their persona on stage is often mistakenly seen interchangeably with their real personality, and the jokes they tell about their lives are considered by many to have a grain of truth in them. However, the results of this study suggest that the opposite is true. Perhaps comedians use their performance to disguise who they are in their daily life. Comedians may portray someone they want to be, or perhaps their act is a way to defy the constraints imposed on their everyday events and interactions with others.


Francesco Guicciardini Quotes


It's a great mistake to make absolute, categorical, "by the book" statements about things. Almost all of them have some exceptional qualities and distinctions due to differences in their circumstances, making it impossible to refer everything to the same standard. Such exceptional qualities and distinctions can't be found in books, but must be taught by discretion. (6)


It's very misleading to judge by examples. Unless they are identical in every way, their use is limited, considering how even small variations in circumstances can give rise to the widest differences in effects. And discerning these minute variations requires a good and clear eye. (117)


Whatever has happened before or is happening now will repeat itself in the future. But the names and surfaces of things will have changed, and unless we have a discerning eye, we won't recognize them and act or judge accordingly. (76)


…Faith breeds obstinacy—for faith is no more than believing firmly and almost with certainty things that are not in themselves reasonable; or if reasonable, believing them more unreservedly than reason warrants.

Therefore, he who has faith becomes stubborn in his belief, and goes on his way resolute and intrepid, disregarding difficulties and dangers, and ready to suffer every extremity.

And so it happens that, as the things of this world are subject to infinite changes and chances, unlooked for help may come in many ways over time to one who has obstinately persevered. And when this perseverance is the result of faith, it may well be said that faith can accomplish great things.

We currently have a great example of such stubbornness of the Florentines—a group who, contrary to all human reason, prepared themselves to await the joint attack of Pope and Emperor, with no hope of receiving help for anyone else, with disunity among themselves, and with difficulties facing them on every side. For seven months, they have managed to fight off the assaults of armies, even though it seemed impossible for them to do so even for seven days.

In fact, they have brought things to such a point that if they were to win now, no one would be surprised, whereas earlier, everyone assumed they would lose.

And this stubbornness of theirs is mainly due to the belief that—as Friar Girolamo of Ferrara told them in his sermons—they cannot be destroyed. (1)


If princes, when all goes well with them, make little account of their servants, and slight them or set them aside for the most minor of reasons, how can they be displeased or complain if their dutiful, loyal, honorable servants leave them and accept other more profitable employment? (4)


Pay more attention to what people should be expected to do based on their disposition and habits, and less attention to what's reasonable for them to do. (151) [Consider what people really are, as opposed to merely thinking that they'll be reasonable.]


If people were as discreet or grateful as they ought to be, then it would be best to benefit servants whenever you can on any occasion that offers you to do so. But experience (including my own) shows that as soon as servants are fulfilled or their master can't continue providing the benefits he did at first, they'll quickly abandon him. Thus, the master who looks after his own interests shouldn't be too generous, and should be more frugal than liberal, working on his servants by exciting their hopes rather than by satisfying them. But in order for this to work, he must sometimes be generous to one of them. This will be enough—for people by nature are moved more by hope than by fear, and are more exited and encouraged by the example of one person they see abundantly rewarded, than they are discouraged by the sight of many who haven't been well treated. (5)


Even though many people prove to be ungrateful, don't let that stop you from benefitting others—for not only is beneficence in itself a noble and almost divine quality, it may also happen that, as you benefit others, you'll come across someone to grateful that he'll make up for everyone else's ingratitude. (11) [Benefitting others makes you a better person--and that itself is a good reward, even if the people you benefit turn out to be ungrateful. Also keep in mind that for every few ungrateful people you come across, you might come across one who's extremely grateful, and goes above and beyond returning the favor.]


People seldom remember the benefits they've received. And thus, we should depend more on people who can't fail us, and less on people we've benefited. For the latter will often forget the benefits, underestimate their significance, or believe they had a right to receive them. (24)


If you've wronged someone, never be tricked into thinking you have a good reason to trust or confide in him again—even when he has honor or profit to gain should he come through for you. After all, people often become so consumed with the idea that someone else wronged them, that they'll be willing to harm themselves to get revenge—either because they value this satisfaction more, or because their passion prevents them from recognizing what would really be in their best interests. (150) [Don't expect people to be reasonable. Their drive for something like revenge might make them go so far as to (knowingly or unkowingly) sacrifice honor or money.]


Be careful of doing something that'll please one person and displease another person equally. The second person will definitely remember, and exagerate the severity of the offence since it benefited someone else; while the first person will forget what you did for him, or consider it less than it was. (25)


Beyond all others, a prince should beware of the types of people who can never be satisfied. No matter how much he benefits those people, those benefits will never secure him against them. (130)


It is indeed great to have authority. If rightly used, it'll make you feared even beyond what you can do. Your subjects won't know how much authority you really have, and usually choose to give way to you almost at once, rather than test if you can do what you threaten. (40)


I commend those governors who, despite using few severities or punishments, know how to gain and maintain a reputation for strictness. (341)


A dissatisfied person will be reluctant to risk danger, even if he really wants to harm you. Instead, he'll wait for opportunities that might not ever never come. A desperate person, on the other hand, will seek out those opportunities, and jump into all kinds of revolutionary hopes and schemes. Thus, you seldom have much to fear from the first, but always must be on your guard against the second. (131) [Even if someone doesn't get what he wants, he might not be willing to do much about it. But desperate people are often willing to do almost anything.]


When people see you in a position where you have no choice but to do what they want, they'll think little of you and treat you accordingly. After all, people are generally influenced more by their interest or the indulgence of their spite than by what's right, what you deserve, what they owe you, or the thought that you've been brought low because of them or to help them in their distress. Thus, you should flee this humiliation as you'd flee fire.

Many people who are now exiled would have avoided such a fate if they had taken this counsel to mind—for, though a person will not be helped much by the fact that he was driven out due to his fidelity to a certain prince, he will certainly be harmed much by the fact that the prince, seeing him an outlaw, will think, “This man can do nothing,” and will thereby treat him however he wants and without much consideration. (196)


No matter what you do, your subordinates will steal from you. Consider my own case: even though I've been very caring and set a good example, it hasn't stopped the governors and other officers under me from being dishonest. (204) [If you have subordinates, they'll end up stealing at least a little something, no matter what you do. This is an unavoidable part of dealing with others, and it should be tolerated as long as it doesn't get out of hand.]


How true is that ancient saying “Place reveals the man”! Nothing so clearly reveals a person’s qualities so much as to give him place and power. How many are there who speak well, yet do not know how to do! And how many are there in the streets and marketplaces who seem to be capable people, but turn out to be shadows when employed! ... [Morover,] power reveals someone's true bent of mind and character. The higher someone's position is, the less there is stopping him from indulging his natural temper. (163, 253) [It's difficult to tell whether someone will be a good fit for a position.]


My experiences in government have shown me that when trying to bring about an agreement or compromise, it's good to move in only after letting both sides discuss and debate things at great length. When I used that approach, they'd both eventually grow weary and beg me to adjust their differences. And then, by doing what they asked for, and without crossing any lines, I'd get credit for accomplishing what I wouldn't have managed to do at first. (43)


When ambassador in Spain, I observed that whenever the Catholic King, Don Ferdinand of Aragon, a most prudent and powerful prince, wanted to do something new, he'd go about it in such a way so that even before his intention was made public, the whole court and people would be crying out and urging him to do it. (77)


If you have a plan that someone will probably oppose, here's a good way to get his support for it: make it seem like he's the originator and head of it. Lighthearted people especially are often won over by this tactic, since it satisfies their vanity, and they prefer empty honors to something they'd be better off seeking. (200)


We should value the real and substantial more than the ceremonial. And yet, it's unbelievable just how much people are influenced by courteous manners and pleasing words. And this because they all believe they deserve to be greatly esteemed, and thus will feel hurt if they find you aren't giving them the deference they're convinced they're due.


Someone who wants to be loved by his superiors should be sure to show them respect and reverence. And if he makes a mistake in doing this, it would be better for him to go too far than not far enough. Nothing offends a superior more than the notion he's not getting the attention or consideration he thinks he deserves.


If you want people’s goodwill, be careful not to refuse their requests point-blank. Instead, answer them with generalities. After all, the person making the request might not need your help later, or something might happen that'll give you a good excuse for withholding it. Not to mention the fact that many people are foolish and easily tricked with words, and in many cases, you might satisfy someone with a smooth answer, even without doing what you can't or don't want to do; whereas, had you denied that person, he would've been displeased with you no matter what turn of events had taken place. (36)


It is honest and manly to never promise what you don't intend to do. However, people are unreasonable--and thus, even if you have a valid reason to deny someone, he'ill be dissatisfied. ... Therefore, seek to amuse with answers of general encouragement, and as far as possible, avoid committing yourself by positive engagements. (309)


As long as it brings you no loss or discredit, it is a wise course, though little followed, to hide your displeasure towards others. After all, you might have to make use of such people in the future--and that'll be difficult to do if they consider you an enemy. I've frequently had to seek assistance from people I hate--and those people have served me with the utmost alacrity, thinking I like them or at least don't dislike them. (133)


Be careful not to needlessly say something that might be passed on to others and offend them. You might not see the future harm in saying those things. Be very careful, I tell you, for many people—even prudent ones—make this mistake, and it's difficult to avoid it. But if the difficulty is great, so much greater is the gain to him who knows to overcome it.

And should necessity or anger move you to speak sharply to anyone, at least be careful to say what'll only offend that person. For instance, if you want to go after someone, don't vilify his country, family, or kinsfolk. It's a great folly to incur the resentment of many, when your purpose is to only vex one person. (7-8) More


Don't let the fear of making enemies or displeasing others keep you from doing what you ought to do. Doing one’s duty brings a person reputation, and this will help him far more than a few new enemies will hurt him. In this world, the only way to completely avoid offending others is to be dead.

But the same tact that guides us in pleasing others is also shown in knowing when and how to do what displeases—that is, these things must be done on just occasion, at fit season, with modesty, for honorable causes, and in creditable ways. (217)


We often see the advantages of having a good name and reputation. And these advantages are hardly anything compared to those that are unseen, and that, led by the good opinion that prevails concerning you, come on their own, without your knowing why. (158)


We only see a small percentage of the advantages that come from friends and family. After all, occasions when you need their help are rare in comparison with the day-to-day benefits of knowing you can have their support when you will. (87)


Since friends are so valuable, never lose a chance to make them—for people are brought into constant contact with one another, and friends help and foes hinder at times and in places where you least expect it. (14)


Like others, I've sought honors and preferment. Moreover, I've often gotten more of them than I'd wished or hoped for. But they've always been less satisfying than I epxected. And this, if we well consider it, is a strong reason why we should disencumber ourselves from vain desires. (15)


Everyone seeks greatness and honors, because the pluses of having them are easy to see from a superficial glance, while the weariness, fatigues, and risks that attend them are unseen and hidden. But if their inherent evils were as apparent as the good, we'd really have no motive to desire them, other than this: the more a person is feared, reverenced, and honored, the more he seems to approach and resemble God. And who wouldn't wish to obtain such a likeness? (16)


Be skeptical of people claiming that they chose to give up their position and power due to their love of quiet. In almost every case, they've ultimately been forced into to their position of retirement—and experience shows us that as soon as the narrowest opening offers a return to their previous lifestyle, nearly all of them forsake their “much prized” tranquility, and throw themselves into the opportunity as eagerly as fire rushes upon dry or resinous fuel. (17)


Ambition itself isn't evil. And we shouldn't condemn someone whose spirit prompts him to seek fame by worthy and honorable means. In fact, people like that achieve the noble and loft, whereas those untouched by the passion for fame are generally frigid souls that are more disposed for ease than effort.

But hateful and pernicious is the ambition that makes self-aggrandizement its sole end and aim, as we find in most princes, who, having this as their goal, and wanting to clear the path that leads to it, will put aside conscience, honor, humanity, and all else that is good. (32)


Pursuits that are not pushed forward by this fiery spur [fame] are lifeless and empty. (118)


[E]ven if it should be obvious that you're lying, a confident assertion or denial will often perplex and puzzle your listeners’ minds to some extent. (37) [Even if someone says something that's cleary not true, he still might get many people to consider the possibility that it is true, as long as he states it with confidence.]


Even if someone's a known bullshitter, his frauds still succceed at times. (105)


If you want to conceal or misrepresent one of your intentions, try to show others—with the strongest and gravest reasons possible—that you intend the opposite. When people think you're convinced that it makes sense to do something, they'll readily persuade themselves that you'll base your decisions on what reason dictates. (199)


If someone wants to get ahead in the world, he should hide his failures and exaggerate his successes. Though I'm the type of person who hates such charlatanism, nowadays worldly advancement depends more on people’s opinions than on reality, and it's good to make it seem like are going well, but bad for the contrary to be believed. (86)


The world exalts and praises honesty, and it detests and condemns deception. But for an individual, deception is usually more useful, while sincerity tends to advance other people's interests. But since deception definitely isn't a good thing, I'd commend someone who's usually open and sincere, and only resorts to deception in certain rare and important matters. Furthermore, in this way, he'll gain and benefit from a reputation for honesty and sincerity... (104)


A prince or anyone else who is employed in state affairs should not only conceal what is undesirable to have known, but he and his ministers should also be in the habit of being silent about anything at all that he would not have made public—including even very minor and insignificant matters. If your subjects and those about you are thus kept in the dark as to your intentions, and abide in suspense and wonder, they will watch even your slightest movements and gestures. (88)


Though you have much to gain by being secretive, you have even more to gain by not appearing secretive to your friends. After all, most people feel slighted and offended when they see you unwilling to impart your affairs to them.


It's not desirable to gain a reputation for being suspicious and distrustful. And yet... we can hardly err in believing little and distrusting much. (157)


Though I wouldn’t go so far as to suggest that people should avoid ordinary conversation or friendly talk, I will say that it's prudent to speak of your own affairs only when you must, and only about what's necessary for the present conversation or purpose, concealing as much as possible. It's more pleasant to do otherwise, but more useful to do this. (184)


I'm slow to believe news that in itself seems likely, unless it comes from a reliable source. After all, it's easy to fake what people are already prepared to accept, whereas things in themselves improbable and unlooked for are seldom invented. And since this is the case, I am also less apt to discredit unlikely news. (89)


Thought it would be best to produce complete perfection, this is very difficult to do. And it's a mistake to spend much time in over-refining, as other opportunities often escape us while we seek perfection. And even when we think we've attained it, we'll later find out that we were wrong—for due to the nature of things in this world, it's almost impossible to find something that has no imperfection or blemish whatsoever. Thus, we must be content to take things as they are, and to consider the least evil as good. (126)


Whenever we make decisions and act, there will be reasons that support the contrary—for nothing is perfect enough to be entirely free of blemishes. Nothing's so bad that it doesn't contain some good, and nothing's so good that is doesn't contain some bad. And thus it happens that many people, being perplexed by every trifling difficulty, rest always in suspense. These are the persons we speak of as over-scrupulous, because they entertain doubts about everything.

Rather than being this way, we should, after balancing the disadvantages on both sides, accept those that weigh the least, remembering that no course we can take will be clear and perfect in each and every way. (213)


Though we must be cautious in our undertakings, we shouldn't think up so many of their difficulties that we end up concluding that success is almost hopeless. On the contrary, we should reflect on how greater facilities may disclose themselves in the execution of our designs, and that as we proceed, obstacles may disappear of themselves. (194)


Small and almost imperceptible beginnings are often the cause of great disasters or successes—and thus, maximum prudence lies in noting and weighing well all circumstances, even if small. (82)


How often we hear it said, “Had this been done or that not been done, this or the other result would have followed.” And yet, if it were possible to test these opinions, we'd find out how wrong they frequently are.(22)


How many acts are blamed when done, which, if we could see what would have followed had they not been done, would have been praised! And likewise, how many things are praised that under like circumstances would have been blamed!

Therefore, do not be hasty in either commending or condemning based on a mere superficial view of things. To form a just and solid judgment, look carefully below what appears to the eye/the apparent surface. (215)


Though I am naturally firm and settled in my resolutions, I often experience some sort of regret after making an important decision. And not because I believe I'd choose differently were to choose again. Rather, it's because before I chose, I had the difficulties of each choice better in view; whereas after my resolution is formed, I no longer fear the difficulties of the options I didn't take, and I only consider those that I still have to deal with, which, looked at alone, seem far greater than they would have appeared if contrasted with the others.

In order to free myself from this torment, I have to carefully recall in my mind those other difficulties I had previously set aside. (156)


Princes have an infinite number of secrets, and an endless number of matters to take into account. Thus, it is mere rashness to hastily judge their actions—for often it happens that what you suppose a prince to have done for one reason, he has in fact been done for another; and what seems to you done at random and imprudently, has been done designedly and with consummate wisdom. (154)


Messer Antonio of Venafra was wont to say, and with justice, that if some six or eight sensible men are brought together to consult, they become that many fools. For, disagreeing among themselves, they rather promote disputes than arrive at conclusions. (112)


Do not work to effect changes that do not remove the grievances under which you suffer, but merely substitute one oppressor for another. Changes of this kind only leave you where you were.

For example, what profits it to have banished John of Poppi from the service of the Medici, if Bernard of S. Miniato, a person of like character and condition, enters in his room? (50)


Future matters are so deceptive and subject to so many accidents that even the wisest of all people regularly make miscalculations. In fact, if we were to track their predictions, particularly those regarding particular events—for in their general conclusions they are less apt to be misled—we would find them as inaccurate as people who are considered less discerning.

Therefore, it's usually unwise to give up a present good in due to apprehension of a future evil, unless the evil is either very certain and near, or far greater in degree than the good. Otherwise, due to a fear that may afterwards turn out to have been groundless, you may lose the good that lay within your grasp. (23)


Never assume anything will happen, no matter how certain it may seem. As long as you can do so without upsetting your plans, keep something in reserve to be used in case the opposite of your expectations occurs. After all, since things often turn out so differently from what was looked for, it is only prudent to act in this way. (81)


In narrating current events, some writers will enter on a discussion of what is likely to happen hereafter.

However, even when such forecasts are made by well-informed people and seem admirable to the reader, they are actually very misleading—for these types of logical conclusions are like chain links: they depend on one another, and if any of them fail, the other deductions will all fall to the ground. Even the smallest variation in the circumstances can be enough to cause an error in the conclusion.

Thus, it is impossible to form a judgment of the course of events that are still remote. Our opinions must be formed and modified from day to day. (114)


I have noticed that when men of great sagacity have to decide on an important matter, they almost always end up distinguishing the various courses it may take, and, after considering two or three probable contingencies, form their final decision on the assumption that one of these will indeed happen.

Be warned that this is a dangerous method to follow—for in almost all cases, some other contingency will turn up that was not taken into account by these deliberations and met by these decisions.

Thus, in forming decisions, it much wiser to assume that the unlikely might happen, and only limit your deliberations when necessary. (182)


Whoever well-considers it will hardly deny that in human affairs, Fortune rules supreme. After all, we constantly find the most momentous result springing from fortuitous causes that were not within human power to either foresee or escape. And although discernment and vigilance may temper many things, they cannot do so un-helped, but always stand in need of favorable Fortune. (30)

As for those who ascribe everything to prudence and capacity, and exclude as much as they can the influence of Fortune, even they must admit that much depends on being born at a time when your virtues or qualities are in demand. …

But of course, if someone could change his nature to suit the circumstances of the times, then he would be so much the less under Fortune’s control. However, this is difficult if not downright impossible to do. (31)


Neither wise men nor fools can in the end escape what has to be. And thus, nothing I have ever read seems to me more true than that saying of Seneca: “Ducunt volentes fata, nolentes trahunt” [Fate leads the willing; drags the unwilling.] (138)


The truest test of someone’s courage is his behavior when overtaken by unforeseen dangers. He who shows a good front to these—as we find very few do—really deserves to be called resolute and intrepid. (70)


Things we do not anticipate move us beyond comparison more than those that are foreseen—and thus, I pronounce it to be a great and resolute spirit that stands undismayed amid sudden dangers and disasters; for this in my judgment is the rarest excellence.


The person who rushes blindly into dangers without discerning their true character—he is merely foolhardy. The person who recognizes dangers and fears them no more than he should—he is the type of person that ought to be called brave. (95)


Those who govern states must not be daunted by seeming dangers, however great, near, and imminent they look. For, like the proverb says, “The Devil is never so black as he is painted.” Many things may come about that will cause dangers to disappear of themselves. And even of those that do arrive, some un-thought of remedy or alleviation will be found to accompany them. (116)


Anything that is destined to perish by a gradual wasting away rather than sudden violence will end up enduring longer than you might suppose at first sight.

An example of this is hectic patient, who, after his case has been pronounced hopeless, will sometimes linger on not just for days, but even for weeks or months. And likewise, in the city that has had to be reduced by blockade, the unconsumed stores are constantly in excess of what all had reckoned them to be. (34)


Do not attempt any [local] innovation in the hope that the people will second you—for this is a dangerous foundation to build on*. The people will either lack the courage to stand by you, or, as is so often the case, will cherish views that differ greatly from what you imagine.

Consider the case of Brutus and Cassius: after murdering Caesar, not only did they not receive the public support they had counted on*, they even had to flee to another city out of fear of that very public. (121)


Wise economy consists not so much in knowing how to avoid expenses—for these are often unavoidable—as in knowing how to spend to advantage and get extra value for your money. (56)


In wars, those who attempt to spend the least always end up spending the most—for nothing demands a larger or more unstinted/lavish outlay of money than war. The more complete the preparations are, the sooner will the war be over; and since the failure to spend money will prolong the enterprise, it will ultimately cost far more [than not trying to have saved money in the first place].(149)


Too subtle an intellect is a gift that brings torment and unhappiness to its possessor, since it only serves to involve him in scruples and anxieties unknown to people of duller perceptions. (6)


Distrust those who talk loudly of liberty. Nearly all of them—nay, all of them without exception—have their own ends to serve; and we are often shown by experience—which is our surest guide—that these fellows will rapidly rush to an absolute government if they think it will allow them to push their fortunes better. (66)


One who has sound sense can make great use of another who has fine parts; much more so than the other can make of him.


If you observe closely, you will find that not only the manners of people, but also their language and modes of speech, dress, style of building, methods of cultivation, and the like, alter from age to age; but, what is more remarkable, their sense of taste also alters, so that a kind of food that is relished by one generation is often displeasing to the next. (69)


There is nothing in life that should be more desirable or that brings more glory than seeing your enemy prostrate in the dust and at your mercy. And this glory is doubled by he who uses the occasion well—that is, he who shows mercy, and is content with having had the victory. (72)


Revenge does not always spring from hatred or a cruel disposition—it is sometimes necessary, in order to set an example that will teach others they must not harm us.

And likewise, it is not necessarily improper to get revenge without feeling rancor against the person revenged. (74)


If someone takes revenge in such a way that the person who is hurt does not know where the injury comes from, then the act must have been done out of a motive of rancor and hatred. It would be more generous/honest to work openly so that everyone may know who did the act—for then that person will be thought to have acted not so much from hatred and vindictiveness, but more from a motive to clear his honor—or in other words, to be known as the type of person who will not put up with offenses. (202)


What does it matter to me if the person who injures me is acting out of ignorance and not from ill will? In fact, this can make it all the worse—for ill will has definite ends, works by its own rules, and thus does not always inflict the hurt it might; whereas ignorance, having neither rule, nor aim, nor measure, behaves like a madman, and deals its blows in the dark. (168)


Happy/lucky are they to whom the same opportunity offers itself twice. Even a wise person may neglect or misuse it on the first occasion—but to fail to recognize and profit by it the second time is certainly foolish. (80)


If you would be someone employed in [worldly] affairs, never allow such affairs to leave your hold. You will not be able to recover them at your convenience.

But if you continuously retain your hold on them, one will lead to another, even without your using any special diligence or industry to get them. (84)


With a tyrant, it is safer to stand fairly well with him than share his closest intimacy. This way, if you are generally esteemed [in the community], not only will you profit by his greatness—and sometimes more than those people he feels close to—you may also hope to save yourself in the event of his downfall. (100)


To protect yourself against a brutal and bloodthirsty tyrant, no rule or remedy can be prescribed that will avail anything to you, except what is recommended in the case of the plague: Flee as fast and as far as you can. (101)


There is no man so prudent as to not sometimes make mistakes. Good fortune lies in our making fewer than others do, or in matters of lesser importance. (108)


See the extent people deceive themselves! They regard the sins they do not commit as heinous, and those they do commit as trivial. (122)


During wartime, I have often received news that seemed to indicate our affairs were desperate, but was followed shortly later by other news of a reassuring kind; or sometimes the good news came first and the bad news later.

In fact, these contrary rumors were not uncommon at all—a lesson to a wise captain not to be too easily depressed or elated. (127)


To speak of “the people” is in truth to speak of a beast, mad, mistaken, perplexed, and lacking taste, discernment, or stability. (140)


It is no wonder we are ignorant of what has happened in past ages, or of what is currently happening in distant countries and remote cities. After all, if you note it well, you will see that we lack true knowledge even when it comes to what is presently going on day to day in our own town. In fact, between the palace and the marketplace there often lies so dense a mist or so thick a brick wall that no eye can penetrate it; so that the people know as much of what their rulers are dong, or their reasons for doing it, as they know of what is being done in China. And thus, the world is readily filled with empty and idle beliefs. (141)


All historians—without, as it seems to me, a single exception—are at fault in omitting to relate many things known in their times, due to the fact they considered them matters known by everyone. (143)


The very same things that readily succeed and “accomplish themselves” when undertaken at the proper moment, will, if attempted prematurely, not only fail, but will often become impossible to succeed when their time does come.

Thus, rather than rushing things hastily or precipitating events, we should await their season and maturity. (78)


Unless rightly understood, the proverb that bids the wise man to take advantage of time might be dangerous.

By failing to use an opportunity when it offers itself, it might be lost forever; and for many for many things we must decide and act quickly.

However, when we are surrounded by difficulties and trouble, procrastinating and gaining time can either extricate ourselves from troubles, or at least allow us to understand them better.

By putting this meaning on the proverb, it is wholesome; but interpreted otherwise, it might frequently prove harmful. (79)


He who is in too great haste to bring a war to a conclusion will often prolong it, by failing to await the necessary supplies and the right time for the enterprise.

Such a person makes what might have been easy quite difficult—and for every day he thought he would gain, he often loses a month or more. Plus, his haste often causes many additional disasters. (148)


Both in wars and in many other important matters, I have often seen preparations neglected due to impression that they were too late, and yet it has been seen afterwards that they would have been in time, and that the omission to make them has caused much loss.

This results from the fact that things often move slower than we anticipate them to, and that what we imagine will be over in a month often is still ongoing after a few months.(162)


Though human life is short, rest assured that he will find it long enough who knows to make wise use of his time, and does not unprofitably waste it; for a man’s nature fits him for great efforts, and anyone who is diligent and resolute will get through an incredible amount of work. (145)


Pray to God that you are always found on the winning side—for in being so, you will be credited even for what you had no part in; whereas he who stands with the losers is baled for an endless number of ___ he is wholly guiltless of. (176)


Trades and industries are at their best when they are not yet generally understood to be profitable. When seen by all to be so, they fall off; because, from many resorting to them, the competition prevents them from being any longer lucrative. In all things, it profits to be up betimes. (178)


In matters of business, take this as a maxim: it's not enough to give things their beginning, direction, or impulse; we must also follow them up and continue our efforts until completion. People who conduct business this way contribute greatly to finishing things, while those who follow a different plan will often assume things are finished they've actually just begun, and their difficulties haven't been encountered yet ; such are the heedlessness, futility, and perversity of men, and such the lets and hindrances that things present in their own nature. (192)


When enemies who usually have been leagued together against you chance to fall out, to attack one of them in the hope to dispose of him separately is often the occasion for all to unite afresh. It behoves you, therefore, to note carefully what the differences that have arisen between them are, together with all the other conditions and circumstances in which they stand, that you may judge whether it is more for your interest to single out one of them for attack, or to stand aloof and look on while they fight it out among themselves. (221)


In my youth, I made light of such superficial accomplishments as dancing, singing, and playing; nay, even of writing a fair hand, knowing how to ride, how to dress becomingly, and all other like arts, which savor more of show than substance.

Since then, however, I have seen reason to change my mind. For though it is undoubtedly a mistake to waste too much time in cultivating these graces, or to make a lad’s entire training consist in acquiring them to perfection, still I have found by experience that these gifts and the knack of doing everything confer honor and reputation even among men of good birth; and that too in so marked a degree that we may say he lacks something who is without them. Moreover, excellence in matters of this sort opens the way to the favor of princes, and offers a beginning or occasion to him who is a proficient therein to obtain high and lucrative preferment—for the world and its rulers are what they are, and not what they should be. (179)


When entering a new war, it's very dangerous to assume there will be victory. No matter how safe and easy wars may seem, they're subject to a thousand accidents, and these will lead to even greater disorder if the person involved isn't ready to put forth both strengths and courage; as he will be where preparations have been made from the first on the footing that difficulties will have to be encountered. (180)


Prosperity/good-fortune is often our worst enemy, making us vicious, frivolous, and insolent... (164)


Far higher satisfaction will be found in controlling the passions than in gratifying them. For such gratification is brief, and of the body; whereas the satisfaction we feel when passion has been subdued is lasting, and of the mind and conscience.


Thought it's satisfying to vent our feelings of pleasure or discontent, it's also dangerous to do so.


Popes Julius and Clement were as different as could be. The former was of great and even excessive courage, ardent, impulsive, frank, and open, while the latter was of a temper inclining rather to timidity, most patient, moderate, and withal deceitful. And yet, though they differd so much, they ended up with many similar achievements. Because in the hands of great masters, patience and impetuosity are alike fitted to effect important ends; the one operating by a sudden onslaught, breaking down all opposition; the other seeking to wear out by delay and to conquer with the aid of time and opportunity. So that where the one hinders, the other helps, and conversely. But were it possible for a man to combine the two natures, he would indeed be divine. As this, however, can hardly happen, I believe that, all things considered, greater results are to be obtained by moderation and patience than by impetuosity and daring.


Although we act on the best advice, yet, so uncertain is the future, the results are often uncertain. But that doesn't mean that we should give ourselves up like beasts a prey to Fortune, but like men to walk by Reason. And he who is truly wise should be better pleased to have been guided by good advice though the result be untoward, than to have prospered in following evil counsel.


I have ever been of a most open nature, and the sworn foe of all quirks and cavils, so that anyone dealing with me has always felt himself much at his ease. Nevertheless, I have recognized that in negotiating, this artifice is of signal service, namely, never to come at once to those questions that are of most moment, but postponing these to the last, to allow yourself to be drawn towards them only step by step and reluctantly. Whose does this often succeeds beyond his hopes; while he who transacts business as I do, will only secure that without which no settlement were possible. (132)


Charles F. Haanel Quotes

(1866-1949) writer and businessman


The subconscious processes are always at work; the only question is, are we to be simply passive recipients of this activity, or are we to consciously direct the work?


[W]hen you have learned to control yourself you will have found the “World Within” which controls the world without; you will have become irresistible; men and things will respond to your every wish without any apparent effort on your part.


[I]n order to express power, abundance or any other constructive purpose, the emotions must be called upon to give feeling to the thought so that it will take form. How may this purpose be accomplished? … The reply is, by exercise. Mental strength is secured in exactly the same way that physical strength is secured, by exercise.

We think something, perhaps with difficulty the first time; we think the same thing again, and it becomes easier this time; we think it again and again; it then becomes a mental habit. We continue to think the same thing; finally it becomes automatic; we can no longer help thinking this thing; we are now positive of what we think; there is no longer any doubt about it. We are sure; we know.


Charles F. Haanel Biography and Quotes


Haitian Proverbs


Beyond the mountain is another mountain.


Cara Hartmann Quotes


Nothing makes me hate myself more than buying a cardboard box for $6.79.


I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm still hungry.


I don't get how people can have money for rent EVERY month.


I love Canadians because they're just like people!


I’m watching you right now; you are so incredibly handsome. You are staring at me; I feel an instant connection. I can feel the sparks and I know you can too because you are calling probably your best friend or someone close, telling them about me. You look scared and teary eyed, probably because the emotion is overwhelming. Don’t worry… I feel it too. We’ve been making eye contact since you left your office in Burbank four and a half hours ago. Your sister in the passenger seat is screaming frantically, probably because she wants you to follow your heart and talk to me. Her children are crying out, “Daddy", and you are responding. You are a great uncle comforting them since their dad isn’t in the car. I love kids- I can’t wait to be an aunt. Here come your cop friends… I bet they are telling you to bite the bullet and propose. Now they are pointing their guns at me. I love how funny your friends are, taking “bite the bullet" so literally. The helicopter above me is kind of distracting, so, sorry if I break eye contact. I have to get to work now, so if you see this, meet me outside your bedroom window. I will be waiting there all night.


Dina Hashem Quotes


Do you ever feel like you're getting sick and then you have a glass of water and you're like oh, that's why people drink that


There are ALWAYS bigger fish to fry. You must fry fish. Only the bigger ones.


Hebrew Proverbs


Don’t be too sweet, or else you’ll be eaten up; don’t be too bitter, or else you’ll be spitted out.


Don’t trust someone who tells you all of his troubles and keeps you from all of his joys.


There is no book that contains absolutely nothing bad, and there is no book that contains absolutely nothing good.


If someone is coming to kill you, get up early and kill him first.


A defendant’s confession is worth a hundred witnesses.


A good son-in-law is like the acquisition of a new son; a bad one is like the loss of your daughter.


Henry Thomas Hamblin Quotes


[Happiness] is to be found in service. Not if we seek happiness in service, and serve in order to be happy, but if we serve others for the sake of serving we find the only happiness that will endure and satisfy.

One has only to observe the lives of those who are always selfishly seeking and grabbing, who are hard in their dealings, and always 'looking after number one,' in order to see how impossible it is for self-seekers to be happy. (Within You is the Power)


Man is bound to the wheel, yet at the same time, he has free will. (Within You is the Power)


Han Fei Tzu Quotes

(c280 BC-233 BC) Philosopher and political theorist


He who trusts others can be manipulated by others.


For the most part, the difficulty in persuading people is found in reading/knowing someone else’s mind/heart and adapting your words to conform to it.


… Those who attemps remonstration, persuasion, explanation, or discussion before the throne must be careful to first observe the sovereign's loves and hates.


Praise other people who have similar actions to the person you are talking to, and esteem tasks that are in under the same category his tasks are.


In ancient times, Mi Tzu Hsia became popular with the ruler of Wei State. At the time, the laws of Wei State stated, “The punishment for using the royal carriage without permission is a double foot amputation.”

One day, someone went into the palace late at night and informed Mi Tzu Hsia that his mother was sick. Upon hearing this, he forged a fake request from the ruler in order to use his carriage, and then took it to go see his mother.

When the ruler found out about this, [not only was he not offended,] he only had good things to say, and remarked, “What a filial child! Over his concern for his mother, he went so far as to risk having his feet cut off!”

Another time, Mi Tzu Hsia was walking outdoors with the ruler, and began eating a peach. Tasting how delicious it was, he offered the remaining half to the ruler, who remarked, “Your love for me is truly genuine!—so much so that you have put your own appetite aside, and instead concern yourself with offering me good food!”

But many years later, when Mi Tzu Hsia’s looks had faded and the ruler was not enamored with him anymore, a charge was brought against him by the ruler, who remarked, “Don’t forget, this is the same guy who stole my carriage and offered me his half-eaten peach!”

Although Mi Tzu Hsia’s actions remained the same, he was initially praised from them, and later charged with wrongdoing—and this was all because the ruler’s love for him had converted into disdain.


If the ruler only takes advice from ministers of high rank, does not compare different opinions and testif to the truth, and uses only one person as a channel of information, then ruin is possible.


[T]he superior person takes the inner feelings but leaves the outer appearances, likes the inner qualities but hates the outer decorations.


Eels are similar to snakes. Silkworms are similar to caterpillars. People are scared when they see snakes, and surprised when they see caterpillars. And yet, fishermen are willing to hold eels in their hands, and women are willing to pick up silkworms. So, when there is profit, people turn as brave as Meng Pen and Chuan Chu.


In all-under-Heaven there are three truths: Even wise people will find certain tasks unattainable; even strong people will find certain objects unmovable; and even brave people will find certain opponents unbeatable

For example, even if someone as wise as Yao cannot accomplish the great without the support of the masses; even someone as mighty as Wu Huo cannot elevate himself with other people’s assistance; and even someone as strong as Meng Pen and Hsia Yu cannot remain undefeated without upholding law or tact.


Tzu Chang was pulling a push-cart to go across the arch of a bridge, but was unable to bear the weight. So, he sat on the shaft and began singing. Meanwhile, the passers-by from the front stopped, and those from the rear ran forward to help him, until the push-cart reached the top of the arch.

Suppose Tzu Chang had no technique to attract people. Then even if he exhausted himself to death, the cart would not have been able to go across the bridge. The reason why he did not exhaust himself while the cart went up the arch of the bridge was because he had the technique to make use of people.


Tsao Fu managed four horses. He drove them at maximum speed, maneuvered them expertly, and could go in any direction he wanted. He could mange the horses in whatever way he wanted because he was in control of the whip and reins. But, when a jumping pig scared the horses, Tsao Fu lost control of the horses. This is not because the severity of the whip and rein decreased. This is because his authority over the horses was superceded by the impact of the jumping pig.


And if someone only looked at a person’s features, clothing, and speech, even Confucius would not be able to say what sort of a person he is. Yet if one tests him in government position and sees what he does, then even someone with so-so judgment would be able to know if he is wise or not.


Han Fei Tzu Quotes


Hannibal Quotes

(247 BC-183 BC) Carthaginian general


We will either find a way, or make one.


Many things which nature makes difficult become easy to the man who uses his brains.


Lorraine Hansberry Quotes

(1930-1965) playwright


Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.


Julius Charles Hare and Augustus William Hare Quotes


Be what you are. This is the first step towards becoming better than you are. (Guesses At Truth, 1827)


William Hazlitt Quotes

(1778-1830) writer and humanist


There is a pleasure in madness, which none but madmen know.


The definition of genius is that it acts unconsciously; and those who have produced immortal works, have done so without knowing how or why. The greatest power operates unseen. (The Plain Speaker, 1826)


Mitch Hedberg Quotes


My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion!... Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least.


My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter.


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.


Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.


Transportation is a good way to get around.


I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographers' fault! Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me. Cause there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside


I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much fucking meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. Walk in, order a pastrami sandwich. "Alright, anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"


Every time I see someone hand out flyers, it looks to me like they're saying, "Here--you throw this away."


I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.


I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.


My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer--so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.


Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.


I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up and said, "Dude, I saw you on TV last night!" But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good--he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute. Then I turned it back and said, "Dude, I saw you at the airport. About a minute ago. You were good."


I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


I was at the convenince store looking at magazines. The clerk said, "Hey--this is not a library." I said, "Allright--I will talk louder then!"


Fritz Heider Quotes


To conceive of a person as having positive and negative traits requires a more sophisticated view; it requires a differentiation of the representation of the person into subparts that are of unlike value.


Why should one hesitate to accept a present from a hated donor? One would like to keep the hate, not to have to mix it up with gratitude.


Jascha Heifetz Quotes

(1901-1987) violinist


No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other.


Don Herold Quotes

(1889-1966) author, cartoonist, and humorist


Unhappiness is not knowing what we want, and killing ourselves to get it.


Abraham Joshua Heschel


When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.


Bill Hicks Quotes

comedian


Thank you. How you doing, folks? Me too. You gotta bear with me, I'm very tired, very tired of traveling, and very tired of doing comedy, and very tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening. It's been a while since I've been here, it's great to be back, wherever I am, I always love it when I'm here.


"Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City. I got news for you. I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine. Check this out! Someone just peed on this guy. That's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella. What're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking. Now I can enjoy the wonders of New York. Honey--look!"


No one has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false? True. Now-in England last year, they had fourteen deaths from handguns. FFFFFourteen. Now, the United States--and I think you know how we feel about handguns-woooo, I'm getting a warm tingly feeling just saying the fucking word, to be honest with you, I swear to you, I am hard--23,000 deaths from handguns. Now let's go through those numbers again, because they're a little baffling at first glance. England, where no one has guns, fffffffourteen deaths. United States--and I think you know how we feel about guns-woooo, I'm getting a stiffy--23,000 deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a Communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been studies made and there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute proof. You know, fourteen deaths from handguns. Probably American tourists, too. (Angry tourist voice) "You call this a sandwich? BANG! BANG! You don't boil pizza! BANG! BANG!"


They cross galaxies or wherever they come from to visit us and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. ... Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. ... My God, we're being invaded by rednecks. My biggest fear. Last thing I want to see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, you know? Wouldn't that be depressing? Some bumper sticker on it - "They'll get my ray gun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered hand off of it!"


This time Bush lost. Cool. ... People ask me where I stood politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy. But that I believe he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth. Yeah, I'm a little.. a little to the left there


[George Bush] sold 160 fighter jets to Korea and then 240 tanks to Kuwait, and then goes around making speeches why he should be Commander-in-Chief because, "We still live in a dangerous world." Thanks to you, you fucker! What are you doing? Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks!


Watch the fucking news man, it's frightening. What could be worse? You watch the news these days you know, it's unbelievable. You think you you just walk out your door, you're immediately going to be raped by some crack-addicted, Aids-infected, pit-bull. ... Pretty soon we're all gonna be locked inside our homes with no-one on the street but pizza delivery guys and armoured cars with turrets shooting pizzas through the mail-slots of our front doors.


By the way--if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. ... This is not a joke. You're going, "There's going to be a joke coming." There's no fucking joke coming. ... I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now, too. "Oh, you know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart." Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags! "Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now? He's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done research. Huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags! Quit putting a godamm dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet! "Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that."


[Basic Instinct is a] horrible film. And then I come to find out after that film, that all the lesbian sex scenes, let me repeat that, all the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film, because the test audience was turned off by them. Ha. Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America. ... That was the only reason I went to that piece of shit. If I had been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting that film would have been Michael Douglas demanding his part be put back in, alright? "I swear I was in that movie. I swear I was."


Moshimasa Hikita Quotes


The truly upright is that which flows out of your genuine innermost self as a result of the sincerity shown by the kami [gods]; on all occasions, you must exert this sincerity to the utmost, even in the most minor of your activities. (Records of the Divine Wind)


Hank Hill Quotes


Why are we watching a foreign movie? You'd think if it was any good they would make an American version.


The only reason why your nails should be black is because you hit them with a hammer.


You can’t just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I’d like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that’s just not the way it works.


Napoleon Hill Quotes


It is a well known fact that one comes, finally, to BELIEVE whatever one repeats to one’s self, whether the statement be true or false.


All thoughts which have been emotionalized (given feeling) and mixed with faith begin immediately to translate themselves into their physical equivalent or counterpart.


Thoughts which are mixed with any of the feelings of emotions constitute a “magnetic” force which attracts… other similar or related thoughts.


The man who actually knows just what he wants in life has already gone a long way toward attaining it.


Some people are successful as long as someone else stands back of them and encourages them, and some are successful in spite of Hell! Take your choice.


Everyone needs a change of mental environment at regular periods, the same as a change and variety of food are essential.


The mind becomes more alert, more elastic and more ready to work with speed and accuracy after it has been bathed in new ideas, outside of one’s own field of daily labor.


Napoleon Hill Biography and Quotes


Hillel Quotes


If I am not for myself, who is for me? And when I am [solely] for myself, what am I? If not now, when? (Pirke Avot 1:15 or 1:14)


In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man. (Pirke Avot 2:6)


Hindustani / Hindu Proverbs


Diet cures more than the surgical knife.


No one can be a totally fair judge in his own case.


Dig your well before you are thirsty.


In a treeless country, the castor plant is a big tree.


The living things of the Earth depend on each other just like the limbs and organs of the body.


An elephant, no matter how skinny, is valuable.


Hippocrates Quotes

physician


Doing nothing is sometimes a good remedy.


Adolph Hitler Quotes


The great mass of people will more easily fall victim to a big lie than a small one.


Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.


The art of leadership... consists in consolidating the attention of the people against a single adversary and taking care that nothing will split up that attention.


The leader of genius must have the ability to make different opponents appear as if they belonged to one category.


I use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few.


Sooner will a camel pass through a needle’s eye than a great man be “discovered” by an election.


Adam Hochschild Quotes


People are more likely to care about the suffering of others in a distant place if that misfortune evokes a fear of their own.


Ralph Hodgson Quotes


Some things have to be believed to be seen.


Eric Hoffer Quotes

(1902-1983) writer


It is easier to love humanity than to love your neighbor.


Nonconformists travel as a rule in bunches. You rarely find a nonconformist who goes it alone. And woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity.


No one has a right to happiness.


The Holy State Quotes


He that falls into sin is a man; that grieves at it, is a saint; that boasteth of it, is a devil.


Soichiro Honda Quotes


If you hire only those people you understand, the company will never get people better than you are. Always remember that you often find outstanding people among those you don't particularly like.


When Congress passes new emission standards, we [Honda Motor Co.] hire 50 more engineers and GM hires 50 more lawyers.


The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred.


Oliver Wendell Holmes Quotes

(1809-1894) writer and physician


Life is an end in itself, and the only question as to whether it is worth living is whether you have had enough of it.


Hopi Proverbs


You must live your life from start to finish; no one can do it for you.


Horace Quotes

(65 BC-8 BC) philosopher and poet


Wisdom at proper times will forget.


Colonel Edward M. House Quotes

(1858-1938) American diplomat, politician, advisor to President Woodrow Wilson


After I got to know Mr. [Woodrow] Wilson, I learned that the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually, but so as to interest him in it, to get him thinking about it on his own account. The first time this worked, it was an accident. I had been visiting with him at the White House and urged a policy on him that he appeared to disapprove. But several days later, at the dinner table, I was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his own.


Tzu Hsia Quotes

disciple of Confucius


Even minor Ways have something worth attention—but if they are carried out to what is remote, there is a danger of their becoming fanatical. (Analects 19:4)


Tehyi Hsieh Quotes / Chinese Epigrams Inside and Out and Proverbs


To a patient a doctor can say, “Before you try to satisfy any particular hunger, look well as to whether it is a a that can be satisfied, or one that ought to be subdued.” (30)


Every cemetery has a voice that tells living people to hurry up if they can expect to accomplish anything. (203)


Hsun Tzu Quotes

(310 BC-219 BC) Confucian philosopher


When you locate good in yourself, approve of it with determination. When you locate evil in yourself, despise it as something detestable.


No Divinity is greater than self-transformation with the Way. No happiness is greater than being without unhappiness.


In learning, nothing is more advantageous than being near a worthy learner.


Not having heard it is not as good as having heard it. Having heard it is not as good as having seen it [be done]. Having seen it is not as good as knowing it. Knowing it is not as good as doing it.

Learning reaches its pinnacle in putting it into practice. By putting it into practice, one understands it.


He who correctly criticizes me is my teacher; he who correctly tells me I am right is my friend; and he who flatters me is my culprit.


Achievement depends on using time. By carving incompletely, a piece of rotten wood cannot be cut through. By carving steadfastly, metal and stone can be carved.


Someone attempting to travel two roads at once will get nowhere.


Will you attempt to exhaust the inexhaustible, and pursue the endless? If you do, then even if you wear out your bones and muscles until the day you die, you will most certainly fail to reach your goal.


[The superior person] cannot be subverted by considerations of power and profit, swayed by cliques and common masses, or deterred by all the world. He follows it from life to death.


Discipline your will, and you will have greater nobility than wealth and eminence. Consider the Way to be your riches, and you will not need to be discomposed standing before kings and dukes. Thoroughly examine yourself internally, and you will disregard external things.


The superior person is unvigilant in pursuing profit, but vigilant in avoiding harm. He is timid in avoiding disgrace, but intrepid in practicing requirements of the Way.


The superior person is magnanimous, but not negligent. He is scrupulous, but does not inflict suffering. He debates, but does not cause quarreling. He is critical, but does not provoke others.

When he upholds an upright position, he is not merely interested in victory. When hard and strong, he is not haughty. When flexible and tractable, he does not merely drift with the demands of the occasion.

He is respectful, reverent, attentive, and cautious, but still remains inwardly at ease.


The superior person is cautious about untried doctrine, actions which have not been previously seen, and plans that may have been unheard among people.


The starting point of wisdom must be to consider the desires necessary, but to guide them. ... Although desires cannot be removed, their pursuit can be temperate.


In general, when people choose, they never get only what they desired, and never lose only what they disliked. [In other words, they always end up with some sort combination of what they desired and dislked.]


When seeing something desirable, think of whether it also could eventually involve what is detestable. When seeing something beneficial, think of whether it also could eventually involve harm. Weigh the total of one against that of the other, maturely calculate, and then determine the relative merits of choosing or reusing your desires and aversions. This way, you will regularly avoid failure and becoming ensnared by your choices.


All things are one section of the Way. One thing is a section of all things. ... People tend to suffer from a proneness to being beclouded by a single corner, thereby causing the Great Order to remain hidden from them. ... And thus, although princes of erring/chaotic countries and members of erring/disorderly schools may genuinely seek to be right, and consider themselves to be the judge of right and wrong, their partiality causes them to be in error, averse to the Way, and misled by others who cater to what they follow. Partial to what they have accumulated, they fear hearing its evilness. And leaning on their partialness, they fear hearing the praise of differing arts—even if they inquire into them.

[T]he Way is constant, and includes all changes. One aspect is not sufficient to present the whole.

Those with partial knowledge perceive an aspect of the Way, but are unable to know its totality—and thus, they think it is sufficient, and they gloss things over. They confuse themselves and they mislead others. Rulers end up beclouding inferiors, and inferiors end up beclouding superiors.


Huai Nan Tzu Quotes


Long ago, Kung Sung Lung told his disciples, “I have no use for people without talent.”

A guest came along wearing cheap clothing--and upon being interviewed, he said, “Your servant has the talent of being able to shout.”

Kung Sung looked him up and down and said to his disciples “Have we any criers?” “We have none,” was the reply, and thereupon, the King ordered this stranger to be entered on the register. A few days later, the disciples went to call on Yen Wang for consultation: on coming to a river, the ferry boat was found to be far away at the opposite bank. So the newly-enlisted crier was ordered to vociferate his loudest. The boat came, after he shouted once.

It is written that "The Sage does not readily overlook the service of anyone with ability."


Chao Wen Tzu wanted to know which of the six generals of Tsin would die first. Shu Hsiang told him, "Chih of the center army. he runs things with harshness, he he informs himself of vexatious details, his idea of loyalty is being stingy to his underlings, and he considers merit to be in gaining many good marks from the government."


Li Chu's vision was so good that he could see a needlepoint from many yards away--and yet, he couldn't see the fish in a pool. [Master Musician] Shih Kuang was so perceptive that he could distinguish the winds from the eight quarters and harmonize the five notes of the eight scales--and yet, his hearing wouldlet him discern anything more than a few miles off.

If a very capable person relies on his own capability, he can't regulate so much as a small part of town. But when a person conforms to the art of the Way, in accordance with the natural way of Heaven and Earth, he can easily manage the whole world.


What can be expected from one person should not be above what one man’s strength can bear. The inventions that men have transmitted to posterity could not all have been done by one individual. Each man is expert in his own speciality, and concentrates on that which he desires to be proficient in. These results have become of use to the whole world. ...Creation is vast, and one person’s knowledge is not enough to compass the whole.


No one's perfect. ... Yen Hsin Chu of Liang Fu was a bandit, but rose to be a loyal minister of Ch’i. Tuan Kan Mu was a piece-goods broker of Ts’in, and became the instructor of Baron Wen. Meng Mao married his sister-in-law and had five sons by her, but became the Prime Minister of Wei, pacified its turbulence, and dissipated the national troubles. Ching Yang was an unkempt drunkard and whoremonger, but as a General of Wei, he brought the Feudal Lords to their knees. Now all these men had each his shortcomings; yet their work and renown have not perished.


In ancient times, Yao had nine assistants, Shun seven, and Wu Wang had five. Yao, Shun and Wu Wang were not experts in any one thing, like their assistants. ... They were, however, masters in estimating people's abilities.


Pei Li Hsi was a cattle-broker, I Yin a cook, T’ai Kung was a butcher, Ning Ch’i a ballad singer--and they all went on to become great ministers we still talk about to this day. Before they rose to power, the public loked at their low, degrading occupations, considered them degenrates, and were unable to appreciate their general excellencies. ... The public only saw that worth and realized they were exception people after they rose to high positions. ... It took the penetration of [Empreror] Yao to discern their merits, whilst they were as yet undistinguished. This is the way Yao knew [his successor] Shun. The public only became aware of Shun's merits after he had completed his great work and established his reputation. ... If a typical person relies on his own observations and intelligence, he won't be able to properly determine if someone is worthy--and if he seeks out worthy people in a palace or hamlet, he'll miss many of them. Ordinary people can't duplicate Yao's discovery of Shun. They lack the acumen for discovering people. ... Mediocre princes and governors of the world are sometimes easily deceived by appearances. White bone and ivory are similar looking--and most people can't tell one from the other. Specious people appear to be good people--but aren't; the bravado kind don't really have courage. It would be easy to judge people if their character differences were as apparent as the difference between jade does and stone, or beauty and ugliness. ... An expert like O Yen could identify a true Mo Hsieh sword--while others might not be able to; I Tun would never miss the luster of real jade--while many diamond-cutters might mistake jade for imitation stone. ... People who see into the heart of things are not to be deceived by appearances. Most people favor the ancient over the modern--so plausible speakers make use of the authority of the God of Agriculture, or Huang Ti, to gain an entrance into people's minds. Ignorant rulers of an anarchical age magnify these sources of antiquity and honor the speakers by giving them office. Scholars, confused by traditional hearing, captivated by the authority of distinguished names, reverently sit down, and, adjusting their dress, repeating and chanting.


A man of Ts’u boiled a monkey and invited his neighbors to eat it, telling them it was dog flesh. They ate and enjoyed it. But hearing later it was monkey’s broth, they vomited it all up. The symptom was governed by mental conditions.

The musician Han Tan composed a new tune, but told people is was the creation of Li Chi'i. Everybody strove to learn it. But on hearing later that it was not his creation, they gave it up. They really didn’t judge from its merit as music. ... They were enamored of a name. …

However, an expert does not look on things in that light. A swordsman desires edge on his sword... an organist seeks tone, volume, harmony in his instrument... a rider wants a horse that can travel hundreds of miles a day... a poet or scholar wants reason and solid matter in his books... [as opposed to the mere renown of a name]. ...

If a great writer were to put out a book and tell people it was written by Confucius or Mencius, many people would read it, examine it thoroughly, and accept it.


Hsiang T’o, a child of seven years, was a teacher of Confucius who paid heed to his words. A youth speaking to an elder generally gets his face slapped; but this boy was saved a castigation by the wisdom of his words.


Take the cases of Chieh of Hsia and Chou of Yin. If they had been taken in hand immediately, when the people began to suffer, it would have never come about that a person would be roasted on hot irons, as happened after the iniquitous reign had gone on for long.

Again, if Li of Tsin and Kang of Sung, who lost their lives and ruined their countries by unprincipled acts, had been arrested early in their evil course, it could never have come about that they robbed in their aggression and in their violence as they did.

Anarchy of the realm causes general suffering to the people. One man, by pandering to his vicious desires, fills the land with woe. Such outrages are intolerable to the law of Heaven.


The farmer who is not energetic will never have overflowing granaries. The charioteer who does not train his mind, will never be an expert in his art. Generals and statesmen who are not forceful, will never bring any labor to consummation. Kings and dukes who are indolent, will have no renown in posterity.


When society is orderly, a fool alone cannot disturb it. When society is chaotic, a Sage alone cannot bring it order.


Chi Huang, Ch’en Chung Tzu were worthy men and independent in action. They refused to enter the unwholesome atmosphere of the Court, nor would they eat the food of anarchy—and thus they died of hunger. Their idealism failed wholly to save the country and throne, because they lost the conception of the general good in a narrow view of personal integrity.


It would be useless to tell the fish in the well about the horizon of the great ocean, because it is cribbed in a narrow place. It would be vain to speak of the cold of winter to the creeping things that know only of the summer’s heat: they are cognizant only of their own seasons. It would be useless to discuss broad views with a narrow-minded scholar: he is bound to the conventional and tied to his own orthodoxy.


Hu Tzu Quotes


There is a Principle of Creation that is uncreated; there is a Principle of Change that is unchanging. The Uncreated is able to create life; the Unchanging is able to effect change. The created cannot but continue creating; the changed cannot but continue evolving. Hence, there is constant creation and constant changing. The law of constant creating and of constant changing at no time ceases to operate. So is it with the Yin and the Yang, so is it with the Four Seasons. (Lieh Tzu 1)


Elbert Hubbard Quotes


Be yourself and speak your mind today, though it contradict all you have said before. (The Note Book)


The best way to prepare for life is to begin to live. (The Note Book, 1927)


Kin Hubbard Quotes

(1868-1930) journalist, cartoonist, and political commentator


It’s pretty hard to be efficient without being obnoxious.


The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.


Hungarian Proverbs


A habit is first a wanderer, then a guest, and finally the boss.


A bashful beggar will have an empty wallet.


Margaret Wolfe Hungerford Quotes

(1855-1897) novelist


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. (Molly Bawn)


Adam Hunter Quotes


If you have nothing nice to say then do it behind a keyboard.


Edmund Husserl Quotes

(1859-1938) philosopher


Merely fact-minded sciences make merely fact-minded people.


Ray Hyman


I discovered early on that by playing the scientific game I lost the PR game. As a scientist I have to qualify my answers, and this does not make for good PR or good sound bites. For example, when the CIA remote viewing experiments story broke and Nightline had a show on it, I was supposed to be, on but Ed May objected to my participation, so they got the head of the CIA on instead. But he didn't really know the statistics or the research protocol. And even when I did do some shows on it, like Larry King Live, they mostly wanted to talk about the waste of taxpayers' money. They definitely did not want to talk about the data, the research methods, or the statistics.


To be popular with your fellow man, tell him what he wants to hear ... about himself.


"Cold reading" is a procedure by which a "reader" is able to persuade a client, whom he has never before met, that he knows all about the client's personality and problems. At one extreme this can be accomplished by delivering a stock spiel, or "psychological reading," that consists of highly general statements that can fit any individual. ...

You can achieve a surprisingly high degree of success as a character reader even if you merely use a stock spiel which you give to every client. ...Several laboratory studies have had excellent success with the following stock spiel (Snyder and Shenkel 1975):

"Some of your aspirations tend to be pretty unrealistic. At times you are extroverted, affable, sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary and resented. You have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. You pride yourself on being an independent thinker and do nor accept others' opinions without atisfactory proof. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. Disciplined and controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside.

"Your sexual adjustment has presented some problems for you. While you have some personality weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them. You have a great deal of unused capacity which you have not turned to your advantage. You have a tendency to be critical of yourself. You have a strong need for other people to like you and for them to admire you."

Interestingly enough, the statements in this stock spiel were first used in 1943 by Bertram Forer (1948) in a classroom demonstration of personal validation. He obtained most of them from a newsstand astrology book. Forer's students, who thought the sketch was uniquely intended for them as a result of a personality test, gave the sketch an average rating of 4.26 on a scale of O (poor) to 5 (perfect). As many as 16 our of his 39 students (41 percent) rated it as a perfect fit to their personality. Only five gave it a rating below 4 (the worst being a rating of 2, meaning "average"). Almost 30 years later students give the same sketch an almost identical rating as a unique description of themselves. ...

A great deal of the success of the spiel depends upon "setting the stage." The reader tries to persuade the client that the sketch is tailored especially for him or her. The reader also creates the impression that it is based on a reliable and proven assessment procedure. The way the sketch is delivered and dramatized also helps. ...

A reader who relies on psychological readings will usually have memorized a set of stock spiels. He then can select a reading to deliver which is relatively more appropriate in the general category that the client fits--a young unmarried girl, a senior citizen, and so on. ... The cold reading, at its best, provides the client with a character assessment that is uniquely tailored to fit him or her. ... The cold reader goes beyond ... common denominators by gathering as much additional information about the client as possible. Sometimes such information is obtained in advance of the reading. If the reading is through appointment, the reader can use directories and other sources to gather information. When the client enters the consulting room, an assistant can examine the coat left behind (and often the purse as well) for papers, notes, labels, and other such cues about socioeconomic status, and so on. Most cold readers, however do not need such advance information.

The cold reader basically relies on a good memory and acute observation. The client is carefully studied. The clothing--for example, style, neatness, cost, age--provides a host of cues for helping the reader make shrewd guesses about socioeconomic level, conservatism or extroversion, and other characteristics. The client's physical features--weight, posture, looks, eyes, and hands provide further cues. The hands are especially revealing to the good reader. The manner of speech, use of grammar, gestures, and eye contact are also good sources. To the good reader the huge amount of information coming from an initial sizing-up of the client greatly narrows the possible categories into which he classifies clients. His knowledge of actual and statistical data about various subcultures in the population already provides him the basis for making an uncanny and strikingly accurate assessment of the client.

But the skilled reader can go much further in particularizing his reading. He wants to zero in as quickly as possible on the precise problem that is bothering the client. On the basis of his initial assessment he makes some tentative hypotheses. He tests these out by beginning his assessment in general terms, touching upon general categories of problems and watching the reaction of the client. If he is on the wrong track the client's reactions, eye movements, pupillary dilation, other bodily mannerisms will warn him. When he is on the right track other reactions will tell him so. By watching the client's reactions as he tests out different hypotheses during his spiel, the good reader quickly hits upon what is bothering the customer and begins to adjust the reading to the situation. By this time, the client has usually been persuaded that the reader, by some uncanny means, has gained insights into the client's innermost thoughts. His guard is now down. Often he opens up and actually tells the reader, who is also a good listener, the details of his situation. The reader, after a suitable interval, will usually feed back the information that the client has given him in such a way that the client will be further amazed at how much the reader "knows" about him. ...

A good illustration of the cold reader in action occurs in a story told by the well-known magician John Mulholland. The incident took place in the 1930s. A young lady in her late twenties or early thirties visited a character reader. She was wearing expensive jewelry, a wedding band, and a black dress of cheap material. The observant reader noted that she was wearing shoes which were currently being advertised for people with foot trouble. (Pause at this point and imagine that you are the reader; see what you would make of these clues.)

By means of just these observations the reader proceeded to amaze his client with his insights. He assumed that this client came to see him, as did most of his female customers, because of a love or financial problem. The black dress and the wedding band led him to reason that her husband had died recently. The expensive jewelry suggested that she had been financially comfortable during marriage, but the cheap dress indicated that her husband's death had left her penniless. The therapeutic shoes signified that she was now standing on her feet more than she was used to, implying that she was working to support herself since her husband's death.

The reader's shrewdness led him to the following conclusion, which turned out to be correct: The lady had met a man who had proposed to her. She wanted to marry the man to end her economic hardship. But she felt guilty about marrying so soon after her husband's death. The reader told her what she had come to hear-- that it was all right to marry without further delay. ...

[T]he key ingredient of a successful character reading is confidence. If you look and act as if you believe in what you are doing, you will be able to sell even a bad reading to most of your subjects. ...Even readings that would ordinarily be rejected as inaccurate will be accepted if the reader is viewed as a person with prestige or as someone who knows what he is doing. ...

Gain his [your client's] cooperation in advance. Emphasize that the success of the reading depends as much upon his sincere cooperation as upon your efforts. (After all, you imply, you already have a successful career at reading characters. You are not on trial-- he is.) State that due to difficulties of language and communication, you may not always convey the exact meaning which you intend. In these cases he is to strive to reinterpret the message in terms of his own vocabulary and life. You accomplish two invaluable ends with this dodge. You have an alibi in case the reading doesn't click; it's his fault not yours! And your subject will strive to fit your generalities to his specific life occurrences. Later, when he recalls the reading he will recall it in terms of specifics; thus you gain credit for much more than you actually said. ...

Have a list of stock phrases at the tip of your tongue. Even if you are doing a cold reading, the liberal sprinkling of stock phrases amidst your regular reading will add body to the reading and will fill in time as you try to formulate more precise characterizations. ...

Always give the impression that you know more than you are saying. The successful reader, like the family doctor, always acts as if he knows much more. Once you persuade the client that you know one item of information about him that you could not possibly have obtained through normal channels, the client will automatically assume you know all. At this point he will typically open up and confide in you. ...

Finally remember the golden rule: Tell the client what he wants to hear. Sigmund Freud once made an astute observation. He had a client who had been to a fortune teller many years previously. The fortune teller had predicted that she would have twins. Actually she never had children. Yet, despite the fact that the reader had been wrong, the client still spoke of her in glowing terms. Freud tried to figure out why this was so. He finally concluded that at the time of the original reading the client wanted desperately to have children The fortune teller sensed this and told her what she wanted to hear. From this Freud inferred that the successful fortune teller is one who predicts what the client secretly wishes to happen rather than what actually will happen (Freud, 1933).


I Ching Quotes


Small mishaps may, if they do not discourage one, lead on to fortune.


Good people enjoy life. (5)


The superior person acquaints himself with many sayings of the ancients and deeds of the past, in order to strengthen his character.


When we minutely investigate the nature and reasons of things till we have entered into the inscrutable and spiritual in them, we attain to the largest practical application of them; when that application becomes quickest and readiest and personal poise is secured, our virtue is thereby exalted. Proceeding beyond this, we reach a point which it is hardly possible to comprehend; we have thoroughly mastered the inscrutable and spiritual and understand the processes of transformation. This is the fulness of virtue. Appendix 3:2:33-34


Ibsen Quotes


Rob/deprive the average man of his life-illusion and you rob him also of his happiness.


Icelandic Proverbs


Pissing in your shoes won’t keep your feet warm for very long


Indian Proverbs


The baby has not been born yet, and yet you assert that his nose is like his grandfather’s!


When a crow is killed by a storm, the fortuneteller says, “He died by my curse.”


Even if fed milk, a snake will still emit poison.


Pearls are worthless in the desert.


They blame him who is silent, they blame him who speaks much, they also blame him who says little; no one can escape blame in this world. [No matter what we do, at least some people will criticize us.]


Indonesian Proverbs


Most people don’t announce their faults with a gong.


Matthew Ingram Quotes


Human beings have an incredible ability to avoid work or things that require concentration, and social media has definitely fed into that.


Iranian / Persian Proverbs


Solved riddles look easy.


Necessity can change a lion into a fox.


The way a house is decorated will tell much about its owner.


Don’t just take love—experience it.


You can close the city gates, but you can’t close the people’s mouths.


Only a heart can find the way to another heart.


The person who wants a rose must respect the thorn.


Injustice all around is justice!


I used to complain because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.


A quality statement often gets no answer.


A greedy man is always poor.


A single rose does not mean that it is spring.


A drowning man is not bothered by rain.


The joy of finding something is often worth more than what is found.


Iraqi Proverbs


All authors should prepare to encounter criticism.


Sometimes you must sacrifice your beard in order to save your head.


Irish Proverbs


A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures in the doctor’s book.


No time for your health today, no health for your time tomorrow.


He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice.


Italian Proverbs


It's easier to threaten than to kill.


He that will not strive in this world should not have come into it.


Of future and contingent matters, we can have no definite knowledge.


He who offends writes on sand, he who is offended on marble.


Live and let live.


Many a true word is spoken in jest.


Not every question deserves an answer.


Better once than never.


All the brains are not in one head.


If a fox is preaching, beware of your geese.


The person who enjoys good health is rich, even if he doesn’t know it.


Beware of the person with nothing to lose.


As soon as a new law is made, a way around it is devised.


Experience runs a valuable school, but fools learn in no other.


The remedy is often worse than the disease.


Necessity is a great teacher.


Yes and no rule the world.


To the person who watches, everything reveals itself.


The sun passes over filth and is not dirtied.


Yielding is sometimes the best way of succeeding.


Preventing someone from falling is better than helping him get up.


If you stumble more than once over the same stump, you have no one to blame but yourself.


Natasha Jackson Quotes


[O]ne cannot appreciate another person without seeing some good in him. If one does not appreciate the other person in the slightest degree, one would be hard put to experience joy at any stroke of good fortune or success that may befall him. ...If one has a misanthropic view of mankind, regarding people as essentially evil and not worth being concerned about, one cannot, on the face of it, make much headway with any of The Four Divine Abidings. To have a sympathetic attitude towards human beings does not betoken an idealization of man, but rather a realistic appraisal: that, though often in error and grievously at fault, man has, nevertheless, the potential to rise above his darkness and ignorance into the light of knowledge and even to undreamed of heights of Nirvana.


Jaina Scripture Misc. Quotes


The greatest and supreme science among sciences is the study that frees man from all kinds of miseries. (Isibhasiya 7:1) M


Jamaican Proverbs


Poun ah fret cyaan pay ounce ah det


What good a educayshun if him got noh sens.


Howdy an tenk yu noh broke noh skware.


All kine ah fish eat man, but only shark get de blame.


Yu shek man han, yu noh shek im heart.


James (New Testament) Quotes


So be subject to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double minded. (James 4:7-8)


Tommy James Quotes


If I don't get at least 1 email in any given hour, I begin to think my friends are conspiring against me.


I like to regift gift cards... But not before getting a little something for myself.


William James Quotes

(1842-1910) psychologist


Everybody should do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for practice.


We must make automatic and habitual, as early as possible, as many useful actions as we can


Any object not interesting in itself may become interesting through becoming associated with an object in which interest already exists.


William James Biography and Quotes


Japanese Proverbs


The nail that sticks out [the non-conformist] gets hammered down.


Even monkeys fall from trees.


You can’t see the whole sky through a bamboo tube.


Clear sky, cultivate; rainy, read.


A few kind words can warm three winter months.


Time spent laughing is time spent with the kami.


Character can be built on daily routine.


A single arrow is easily broken, but ten in a bundle aren’t. [Individuals are stronger and more protected when they work together as a team.]


It’s better to lie a little than to be unhappy.


Man cannot reach perfection in a hundred years; he can fall in a day with time to spare.


The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.


Anthony Jeselnik Quotes


I honestly can't remember the last time I hit myself in the head with a hammer.


Jesus Quotes

(4 BC-30 AD) founder of Christianity


Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. (Matthew 5:8)


Don’t be surprised that I said unto you all, “You must be ‘born again.’” (John 3:7)


So let your light so shine before people, that they may see your good works, and may glorify your Father who is in Heaven. (Matthew 5:16)


For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? (Matthew 16:26)


The Pharisees and the teachers of the Law sit in Moses’s seat. So obey whatever they tell you to do—but do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They bind heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves will not move them even with a finger. Everything they do is for the sake of being seen by others: they make their phylacteries broad and the borders of their garments enlarged, they love the honorary room at feasts and the chief seats in the synagogues, and they love to be greeted respectfully in the markets and have men call them “Rabbi, Rabbi.” (Matthew 23:2-7)


Christianity


Jesus ben Sirach / Ecclesiasticus Quotes


There is no riches above the riches of the health of the body: and there is no pleasure above the joy of the heart. (30:16)


All wisdom comes from the Lord, and is with him forever. / All wisdom is from the Lord God, and has been always with him, and is before all time. 1:1


For there is a shame that brings sin; and there is a shame that brings glory and grace. 4:21


Many therefore have refused to lend for other men’s ill dealing, fearing to be defrauded. Yet have thou patience with a man in poor estate, and delay not to shew him mercy. 29:7-8


If you would get a friend, try him before you take him, and do not credit him easily. For some man is a friend for his own occasion, and will not abide in the day of thy trouble. 6:7-8


Be in peace with many: nevertheless have but one counsellor of a thousand. 6:6


Neither consult with a woman touching her of whom she is jealous; neither with a coward in matters of war; nor with a merchant concerning exchange; nor with a buyer of selling; nor with an envious man of thankfulness; nor with an unmerciful man touching kindness; nor with the slothful for any work; nor with an hireling for a year of finishing work; nor with an idle servant of much business: hearken not unto these in any matter of counsel. 37:11


In the midst of the unwise, keep in the word till its time: but be continually among men that think. (27:13)


...Hide your counsel from they who envy you. 37:7


Envy not the glory of a sinner: for you know not what shall be his end. 9:11


[M]any have been deceived by the beauty of a woman… 9:8


Skweezy Jibbs Quotes


HOW COME DEAD PEOPLE DONT TRY HARDER 2 NOT B


Jimmy Johnson Quotes

(1943-) pro football coach & television analyst


A losing football team looks at excuses. A championship football team looks at solutions.


Samuel Johnson Quotes

(1709-1784) writer


The best teachers of humanity are the lives of great men.


Every thing future is to be estimated, by a wise man, in proportion to the probability of attaining it and its value, when attained… (20)


Two men examining the same question proceed commonly like the physician and gardener in selecting herbs, or the farmer and hero looking on the plain; they bring minds impressed with different notions, and direct their inquiries to different ends; they form, therefore, contrary conclusions, and each wonders at the other’s absurdity. 107


We have less reason to be surprised or offended when we find others differ from us in opinion, because we very often differ from ourselves.


Some hindrances will be found in every road of life, but he that fixes his eyes upon any thing at a distance necessarily loses sight of all that fills up the intermediate space, and therefore sets forward with alacrity and confidence, nor suspects a thousand obstacles by which he afterwards finds his passage embarrassed and obstructed. Some are, indeed, stopped at once in their career by a sudden shock of calamity, or diverted to a different direction by the cross impulse of some violent passion; but far the greater part languish by slow degrees, deviate at first into slight obliquities, and themselves scarcely perceive at what time their ardour forsook them, or when they lost sight of their original design. (Rambler 127)


The folly of desisting too soon from successful labours, and the haste of enjoying advantages before they are secured, is often fatal to men of impetuous desire, to men whose consciousness of uncommon powers fills them with presumption, and who having borne opposition down before them, and left emulation panting behind, are easily persuaded to imagine that they have reached the heights of perfection, and that now, being no longer in danger from competitors, they may pass the rest of their days in the enjoyment of their acquisitions, in contemplation of their own superiority, and in attention to their own praises, and look unconcerned from their eminence upon the toils and contentions of meaner beings. (Rambler 127)


There would however be few enterprises of great labour or hazard undertaken, if we had not the power of magnifying the advantages which we persuade ourselves to expect of them. ... The understanding of a man, naturally sanguine, may, indeed, be easily vitiated by the luxurious indulgence of hope, however necessary to the production of every thing great or excellent, as some plants are destroyed by too open exposure to that sun which gives life and beauty to the vegetable world. (Rambler 2)


Every man, however hopeless his pretensions may appear to all but himself, has some project by which he hopes to rise to reputation; some art by which he imagines that the notice of the world will be attracted; some quality, good or bad, which discriminates him from the common herd of mortals, and by which others may be persuaded to love, or compelled to fear him. (Rambler 164)


No place affords a more striking conviction of the vanity of human hopes than a public library; for who can see the wall crowded on every side by mighty volumes, the works of laborious meditations and accurate inquiry, now scarcely known but by the catalogue...


No cause more frequently produces bashfulness than too high an opinion of our own importance. (Rambler 159)


Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity. (Rambler 136)


Men are seldom satisfied with praise introduced or followed by any mention of defect. (Lives of the Poets - Pope)


I have often known very severe and lasting malevolence excited by unlucky censures, which would have fallen without any effect, had they not happened to wound a part remarkably tender. Gustulus, who valued himself upon the nicety of his palate, disinherited his eldest son for telling him that the wine, which he was then commending, was the same which he had sent away the day before as not fit to be drunk. Proculus withdrew his kindness from a nephew, whom he had always considered as the most promising genius of the age, for happening to praise in his presence the graceful horsemanship of Marius. And Fortunio, when he was privy counsellor, procured a clerk to be dismissed from one of the publick offices, in which he was eminent for his skill and assiduity, because he had been heard to say that there was another man in the kingdom on whose skill at billiards he would lay his money against Fortunio’s. (Rambler 40)


Sir, there is nothing by which a man exasperates most people more, than by displaying a superiour ability or brilliancy in conversation. They seem pleased at the time; but their envy makes them curse him in their hearts.


[H]e who expects from mankind, that they should give up established customs in compliance with his single will, and exacts that deference which he does not pay, may be endured, but can never be approved. …

The pride of men will not patiently endure to see one, whose understanding or attainments are but level with their own, break the rules by which they have consented to be bound, or forsake the direction which they submissively follow. All violation of established practice implies in its own nature a rejection of the common opinion, a defiance of common censure, and an appeal from general laws to private judgment: he, therefore, who differs from others without apparent advantage, ought not to be angry if his arrogance is punished with ridicule; if those whose example he superciliously overlooks, point him out to derision, and hoot him back again into the common road.

The pride of singularity is often exerted in little things, where right and wrong are indeterminable, and where, therefore, vanity is without excuse. But there are occasions on which it is noble to dare to stand alone. (Adventurer 131)


Labor, if it were not necessary for existence, would be indispensable for the happiness of man.


The most authentick witnesses of any man’s character are those who know him in his own family, and see him without any restraint, or rule of conduct, but such as he voluntarily prescribes to himself. (Rambler 68)


It is not often that any man can have so much knowledge of another as is necessary to make instruction useful. We are sometimes not ourselves conscious of the original motives of our actions; and when we know them, our first care is to hide them from the sight of others, and often from those most diligently, whose superiority either of power or understanding may entitle them to inspect our lives; it is, therefore, very probable, that he who endeavours to cure our intellectual maladies, mistakes their cause; and that his prescriptions avail nothing, because he knows not which of the passions or desires is vitiated. (Rambler 7)


That every day has its pains and sorrows is universally experienced, and almost universally confessed; but let us not attend only to mournful truths; if we look impartially about us, we shall find that every day has likewise its pleasures and its joys. (Idler 80)


A request made with diffidence and timidity is easily denied, because the petitioner himself seems to doubt its fitness… (Rambler 166) *


It has been formerly remarked by The Guardian, that the world punishes with too great severity the errours of those, who imagine that the ignorance of little things may be compensated by the knowledge of great; for so it is, that as more can detect petty failings than can distinguish or esteem great qualifications, and as mankind is in general more easily disposed to censure than to admiration, contempt is often incurred by slight mistakes, which real virtue or usefulness cannot counterbalance. (131)


Scarce any man becomes eminently disagreeable but by a departure from his real character, and an attempt at something for which nature or education has left him unqualified. (Rambler 179)


We seldom require more to the happiness of the present hour than to surpass him that stands next before us. (Rambler 164)


Madness frequently discovers itself merely by unnecessary deviation from the usual modes of the world. My poor friend Smart showed the disturbance of his mind, by falling upon his knees, and saying his prayers in the street, or in any other unusual place. Now although, rationally speaking, it is greater madness not to pray at all, than to pray as Smart did, I am afraid there are so many who do not pray that their understanding is not called in question.


Those who have attempted much, have seldom failed to perform more than those who never deviate from the common roads of action: many valuable preparations of chymistry are supposed to have risen from unsuccessful enquiries after the grand elixir: it is, therefore, just to encourage those who endeavour to enlarge the power of art, since they often succeed beyond expectation; and when they fail, may sometimes benefit the world even by their miscarriages. (Adventurer 99)


Pleasure is ... seldom such as it appears to others, nor often such as we represent it to ourselves. Of the ladies that sparkle at a musical performance, a very small number has any quick sensibility of harmonious sounds. But every one that goes has her pleasure. She has the pleasure of wearing fine clothes, and of showing them, of outshining those whom she suspects to envy her; she has the pleasure of appearing among other ladies in a place where the race of meaner mortals seldom intrudes, and of reflecting that, in the conversations of the next morning, her name will be mentioned among those that sat in the first row. (Idler 18)


Every man has something to do which he neglects; every man has faults to conquer which he delays to combat. (Idler 43)


I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving: having, from the earliest time almost that I can remember, been forming plans of a better life. I have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time of doing is short. (Prayers)


Many, indeed, who enjoy retreat only in imagination, content themselves with believing, that another year will transport them to rural tranquility, and die while they talk of doing what, if they had lived longer, they would never have done. (Adventurer 126)


Many things necessary are omitted, because we vainly imagine that they may be always performed; and what cannot be done without pain will forever be delayed, if the time of doing it be left unsettled. (Rambler 155)


No sooner do we sit down to enjoy our acquisitions, than we find them insufficient to fill up the vacuities of life. (Idler 73)


The desires of man increase with his acquisitions; every step which he advances brings something within his view, which he did not see before, and which, as soon as he sees it, he begins to want. Where necessity ends, curiosity begins; and no sooner are we supplied with every thing that nature can demand, than we sit down to contrive artificial appetites.

By this restlessness of mind, every populous and wealthy city is filled with innumerable employments, for which the greater part of mankind is without a name; with artificers, whose labour is exerted in producing such petty conveniencies, that many shops are furnished with instruments, of which the use can hardly be found without inquiry, but which he that once knows them quickly learns to number among necessary things. (Idler 30)


But, however we may labour for our own deception, truth, though unwelcome, will sometimes intrude upon the mind. (Idler 80)


Franklin P. Jones Quotes

(1887-1929) businessman


Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor’s noisy party than being there.


Michael Jordan Quotes


I never looked at the consequences of missing a big shot… When you think about the consequences you always think of a negative result.


Michael Jordan Biography and Quotes


William George Jordan Quotes


We know nothing of the trials, sorrows, and temptations of those around us; or of the secret struggles and worries, of perhaps a life-tragedy that may be hidden behind a smile. At times we even say to one who seems calm and smiling, “You ought to be supremely happy, you have everything a heart could wish for.” And it may be that at that very moment the person is passing alone through some grief when living seems like an agony from which there is no relief. Then our misjudgements only make them feel isolated from the rest of humanity.

Let us not add to the burden of another the pain of our judgements. If we are to guard our mouths from expressing them, then we must control our minds and stop continually assessing the acts of others, even in private.


Man’s conscious influence, when he is on dress-parade, when he is posing to impress those around him,--is woefully small. But his unconscious influence, the silent, subtle radiation of his personality, the effect of his words and acts, the trifles he never considers,--is tremendous.


Few there are who feel the positive joy of living, whose blood tingles and surges with the thrill of delight just at being alive. It means loving life in a big, free, unquestioning way, feeling it a wondrous, gladsome privilege, drinking it all in, with all it is and has of good or ill, not heroically from a half-filled cup but joyously and unstintedly as from some ever-gushing spring.


The greatest things in life are the commonplace. Their very profuseness, their wide distribution, their unfailing constancy have in a way cheapened them in our eyes as some people unconsciously grow to think too little of a friend they see too often. Familiarity throws an obscuring veil of illusion over them that hides from us their wonder and their revelation. The more we know them the less we know of them.


William George Jordan Quotes


Chief Joseph Quotes

(1840-1904) Nez Perce Native American leader


The earth and myself are of one mind.


I believe much trouble and blood would be saved if we opened our hearts more.


Joseph Joubert Quotes

(1754-1824) philosopher


A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times. It has come to you over a new route, by a new and express train of associations. (Pensees)


Children need models more than they need critics.


In order to be happy, think of the ills you have been spared.


Junius Quotes


Men who are unequal to the labor of discussing an argument or wish to avoid it, are willing enough to suppose that much has been proved because much has been said.


Kang-Hsi’s Sacred Edict Quotes


Do you think that, by bearing with insulting persons, I shall fall into dishonor?


Though at the height of fame, you ought in the watches of the night to lay your hand on your breast and ask yourself, "Have I cause of shame or not?"


Ethan Kaplan Quotes


"Being social" online now takes about 6 hours out of my day. I long for the days where all I had was email.


Alex Karras Quotes


It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more “manhood” to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul & spirit, not in muscles & an immature mind.


Kashmir Proverbs


The healthy person experiences a healthy world.


The message spoken to the daughter is often aimed at the daughter-in-law.


Saving the mustard seeds in your hand might cause you to miss out on getting a watermelon.


Helen Keller Quotes

(1880-1968) writer and social reformer


Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.


The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.


I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and [just] because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. (Hale?)


Helen Keller Biography and Quotes


Thomas A. Kempis Quotes

(1379-1471) Christian monk and theologian


Habit is overcome by habit.


Corita Kent Quotes

(1918-1986) artist


Love the moment and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.


Ken Keyes, Jr.

(1921-1995) personal growth author and lecturer


When you accept yourself completely you do not have to maintain a phony front, drive yourself to achieve or feel insecure if people tune-in to you and what you are doing.


People who postpone happiness are like children who try chasing rainbows in an effort to find the pot of gold at the rainbow's end.


Hazrat Inayat Khan Quotes

(1882-1927) Sufi teacher and musician


Reason is a gift given to us like any other faculty of mind, like imagination. But it is a part of mind: if it becomes all the mind, it spoils it all.


A responsible person is worth more than a thousand men who labor.


Reality itself is its own evidence.


The more a man explores himself, the more power he finds within.


He is an unbeliever who cannot believe in himself.


The first birth is the birth of man; the second birth is the birth of God.


Life confuses man so much that there is hardly one among a thousand who really knows what he wants; and perhaps there is one among a million who knows what he wants; and perhaps there is one among a million who knows why he wants it; and even among millions you will not find one with the knowledge of why he should want it, and why he should not want it.


Harmon Killebrew Quotes


My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys”


Martin Luther King Jr. Quotes

(1929-1968) social activist


People who have a stake in their society protect that society—but when they don’t have it, they unconsciously want to destroy it.


Sam Kinison Quotes


If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.


Lexie and Lindsay Kite Quotes


We live in a world where girls are taught that they are to be looked at above all else, while boys can be lots of things. We talk to little girls about their pretty dresses. Their toys are sexed-up dolls and dress-up kits. We can’t watch the news without a “fashion police” segment on what lady celebs are wearing and how they look in it. Most diet pills and diet foods are targeted directly at women. Many girls and women are featured on TV, in movies, or magazines purely as props to be ogled. In children’s animated movies, female characters are barely represented and when they are, they are wearing just as little clothing as women in R-rated films. There are almost no movies in theaters right now that feature women in leading roles of any kind, doing anything other than being looked at.


Tom Kite Quotes

(1949-) golf pro


Discipline and concentration are a matter of being interested.


Chuck Knox Quotes

(1932-) pro football coach


You can concede to an opponent something he hasn’t earned. It’s one thing to underestimate an opponent. But maybe the worst thing is to overestimate. You always play your strengths. But that doesn’t mean you become predictable.


Dave Konig Quotes


Fact Check: Today Sen. Scalprash said "It's a great day to be in Ohio". LIAR! It's actually humid and overcast.


Alfred Korzybski Quotes

(1879–1950) philosopher and scientist


When we overgeneralize, we render ourselves unsane.


Korean Proverbs


Anyone who goes hungry for three days will be inclined to steal.


Put something off for one day, and ten days will pass.


Even if the sky falls on you, there is a hole you can escape from.


Kuan Tzu


He who trusts petty men will lose gentelmen of worth.


Tzu Kung Quotes


Kung-sun Ch’ao of Wei asked Tzu Kung, “From whom did Confucius get his learning/warning?”

Tzu Kung said, “Wen and Wu’s Way has not totally fallen—it can be found among people. The worthy remember the greater principles, and others of less hsien remember small parts—thus all possess Wen and Wu’s the Way. There was no one * Confucius could not learn from, yet there was no one who was his only teacher.” 19:22


Kurdish Proverbs


Be swift if you are a hammer; be patient if you are an anvil.


A good companion shortens the longest road.


Search yourself, and you will find God.


Ali Khwaja Quotes


A good, emotional relationship is a two-way street, needing reciprocation, give and take - both the persons have to be involved in nurturing it.


Kyrgyz Proverbs / Kirghiz


The satiated do not understand the concern of the hungry.


To the person who takes, six is not enough; to the person who gives, five is too much.


One who is extremely intelligent might turn crazy.


Gina L.


Today, it’s almost two full years since I formally adopted my niece, Jackie, as my daughter. My brother passed away in a car accident three years ago when Jackie was only two-years-old. His ex-fiancé (they broke up before Jackie was born) took Jackie and disappeared for ten months. I found out through a friend at the police office that Jackie had been abused by her mother and that child services had placed her in foster care. I immediately applied for custody, and then full adoption. After a short battle, the formal adoption was finalized. Jackie has been living with me for almost two years now, but she has been very distant until recently. For some reason in the last few weeks she’s been opening up to me like never before, as if she’s finally healed her internal wounds. Just a few minutes ago she gave me a hug and called me “mom” for the very first time.


La Fontaine Quotes

(1621-1695) poet


It is a double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.


We must laugh before we are happy, for fear we die before we laugh at all.


Francois duc de La Rochefoucauld Quotes

(1613-1680) soldier and writer


We do not wish ardently for what we desire only through reason. 469


Reason alone isn't enough to make us enthusiastic about something.


A man often believes himself leader when he is led; as his mind endeavors to reach one goal, his heart insensibly drags him towards another.


The head is ever the dupe of the heart. 102


Those who know their minds do not necessarily know their hearts. 103


The head can't play the part of the heart for long. 108


Self love is more cunning than the most cunning man in the world. 4


It is as easy to unknowingly deceive yourself as to deceive others. 115


We are so used to disguising ourselves to others, that we end up disguising ourselves from ourselves. 119


Sincerity is an openness of heart that's rarely found in people. What we usually see is only an artful dissimulation to win the confidence of others. 62


Most young people think they are natural when they are only boorish and rude.


Nothing prevents our being natural as much as our desire to seem so.


Men would not live long in society were they not the dupes of each other. 87


The most subtle of our acts is to simulate blindness/unawareness for snares that we know are set for us. We are never so easily deceived as when trying to deceive. 117


Sometimes we must play the fool in order to avoid being deceived by cunning men. 129


If we take the liberty to dwell on their faults, we cannot long preserve the feelings we should hold towards our friends and benefactors. 319


When our hatred is too bitter, it places us beneath those we hate. 338


Neither the sun nor death can be looked at steadily. 26


Our greediness so often troubles us, making us run after so many things at the same time, that while we too eagerly look after the least, we miss the greatest. 66


[L]istening well and answering well are some of the greatest charms we can have in conversation. 139


[I]t is necessary to listen to those who talk, we should give them the time they want... We should enter into their mind and taste, illustrate their meaning, praise anything they say that deserves praise, and let them see we praise more from our choice than from agreement with them. ... After having in this way fulfilled the duties of politeness, we can speak our opinions to our listeners when we find an opportunity without a sign of presumption or opinionatedness. ... We cannot give too great study to find out the manner and the capacity of those with whom we talk, so as to join in the conversation of those who have more than ourselves without hurting by this preference the wishes or interests of others. Then we should modestly use all the modes abovementioned to show our thoughts to them, and make them, if possible, believe that we take our ideas from them. ... It is dangerous to seek to be always the leader of the conversation, and to push a good argument too hard, when we have found one. Civility often hides half its understanding, and when it meets with an opinionated man who defends the bad side, spares him the disgrace of giving way.


Every kind of conversation, however witty it may be, is not equally fitted for all clever persons; we should select what is to their taste and suitable to their condition, their sex, their talents, and also choose the time to say it.


There is an eloquent silence which serves to approve or to condemn, there is a silence of discretion and of respect.


[T]here is a tone, an air, a manner, which renders everything in conversation agreeable or disagreeable, refined or vulgar.


We often bore others when we think we cannot possibly bore them. 242


We may forgive those who bore us; we cannot forgive those whom we bore. (304)


There is at least as much eloquence in the voice, eyes, and air of a speaker as in his choice of words. 249


Interest, which is accused of all our misdeeds, often should be praised for our good deeds. (305)


The desire that urges us to deserve praise strengthens our good qualities; and praise given to wit, valor, and beauty, tends to increase them. 150


The desire to appear clever often prevents our being so. 199


To men who have deserved high praise, nothing should be more humbling than the lengths to which they will still go to get credit for petty things. 272


Numberless acts appear foolish whose secret motives are most wise and weighty. 163


However deceitful hope may be, she carries us on pleasantly to the end of life. 168


He who thinks he has the power to be content without the world greatly deceives himself, but he who thinks that the world cannot be content without him deceives himself even more. / He who thinks he can find in himself the means of doing without others is much mistaken; but he who thinks that others cannot do without him is still more mistaken. 201


Intrepidity is an extraordinary strength of soul that raises it above the troubles, disorders, and emotions that the sight of great perils can arouse in it. By this strength, heroes maintain a calm aspect and preserve their reason and liberty in the most surprising and terrible predicaments. 217


What makes false reckoning, as regards gratitude, is that the pride of the giver and the receiver cannot agree as to the value of the benefit. 225


Lucky people are often bad hands at correcting their faults; they believe that they are right when luck backs up their vice or folly. 227


It is great folly to wish only to be wise. 231


Flirtation is at the bottom of woman’s nature, though all do not practice it, some being restrained by fear, others by sense. (241)


There are people whose faults become them, and others whose very virtues disgrace them. 251


There are wicked people who would be much less dangerous if they were wholly without goodness. 284


We are nearer loving those who hate us, than those who love us more than we desire. 321


There are few virtuous women who are not tired of their part.


[A good woman is a hidden treasure; he who discovers her will do well not to boast about it.]


There may be talent/virtue without position, but there is no position without some kind of talent.


The world rewards the appearance of merit more often than merit itself. 166


Most things are praised or condemned only because it's fashionable to praise or condemn them.


Most people judge men only by success/fashionable-appeal or by fortune. 212


It's much easier to seem fitted for posts we don't fill, than for those we do. 164


It's far easier to be wise for others than to be so for oneself. 132


We are never so ridiculous from the habits we have as from those that we affect to have. 134


It's more necessary to study people than books.


It's much easier to know people [in general] than it is to know a [specific] person. 436


We should earnestly desire but few things if we clearly knew what we desired. 439


Few things are needed to make a wise man happy; nothing can make a fool content...


Before strongly desiring anything, we should examine the happiness of those who already posses it.


We concern ourselves less with becoming happy than making others believe we are.


In great matters we should not try so much to create opportunities as to utilize those that offer themselves. 453


Our imaginations can't come up with as many different contradictions as there are by nature in every heart. 478


The mind attaches itself by idleness and habit to whatever is easy or pleasant. This habit always places bounds to our knowledge... 482


However wicked men may be, they do not dare condemn virtue openly. Thus, when they want to attack virtue, they pretend it is false or charge it with crimes. 489


A man who no one is pleasing is much unhappier than a man who pleases nobody.


Hope and fear are inseparable.


It's very hard to separate the general goodness spread all over the world from great cleverness.


For many reasons we may be disgusted with life, but for none may we despise it. Not even those who commit suicide regard it as a light matter, and are as much alarmed and startled as the rest of the world if death meets them in a different way than the one they have selected. The difference we observe in the courage of so many brave men is from meeting death in a way different from what they imagined when it shows itself nearer at one time than at another. Thus it ultimately happens that having despised death when they were ignorant of it, they dread it when they become acquainted with it.


It's easier to extinguish the first desire than to satisfy the ones that follow.


Lovers don't want to the faults of their mistresses until their enchantment is at an end.


Tom Landry Quotes

(1924-2000) one of the winningest pro football coaches of all time


Leadership is a matter of having people look at you and gain confidence, seeing how you react. If you’re in control, they’re in control.


Lao Proverbs


When the water rises, the fish eat the ants; when the water falls, the ants eat the fish.


Lao Tzu / Tao Te Ching Quotes


The Way that can be Way-ed is not the absolute Way. The name that can be named is not the absolute name. 1


[T]he Sage abides by wu wei [non-action] in his activities, and practices with no-words in his teachings. He produces but does not possess, acts but does not assume, and accomplishes but does not wallow/take credit. And not wallowing, there is no departing. 2


The Way is empty. Its use is inexhaustible. So deep, it is the source of all things. It dulls sharpness, untangles tangles, dims light, and unites with dust. Deep and present — I do not know whose child it is. It preceded God. 4


Heaven endures and Earth is lasting. Why can Heaven and Earth endure and be lasting? Because they do not live selfishly. That is why they endure. Thus, the Sage goes back and is in front, detaches/outside and is preserved/within. Not self-fixated, her Self is fulfilled. 7


If you would take, you must first give—this is the beginning of intelligence. 36


Filling to the extreme is not as good as stopping at the right amount/in time. Sharpening too much can wear away. Filling the hall with gold and jewels will result in less safety. Wealth and approval are slavery. When work is accomplished, a person walks away: Heaven's Way. 9


Fame or the self: which is more important? Money or the self: which is more valuable? Success of failure: which is more dangerous? A wrong perspective leads to loss. Obsession with wealth leads to a lack of security.


If I have ever so little knowledge, walk in the great the Way. It is but expansion that I must fear. The Great the Way is very simple, but people are fond of side paths. When the palace is very splendid, the fields are very weedy and the granaries very empty. Wearing ornaments and fine clothing, carrying sharp swords, eating and drinking excessively, and having many costly items—this is the vanity of robbers, and is surely not the Way. 53


Take [preventive] action before things happen. Control/order before disorder has begun. A big tree grows from a small sprout. A high tower starts with a heap of dirt. A great journey begins with a single step. 64


Larry the Cable Guy Quotes


You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?


I went in for a checkup the other day, and the doctor said, "You need to lay off eggs." I go, "Is my cholesterol bad?" He said, "No, your farts are killin' everybody in this room."


There was a magazine out there said, "50 is the new 40." ... And then there's another one said, "30 is the new 20." I sent it to my cousin. Hopefully, he can convince the judge that 16 is the new 21.


I got held back in fifth grade so many times, I drove the rest of the class to school with me


I love my wife. We got married a year and a half ago, by God. She still has that new-wife smell to her.


She was worried about childbirth, too, 'cause she's little. And she was all scared. She was, like, "When I have this kid, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." I'm like, "That's how you were when you got pregnant."


Did you know Waffle House just celebrated their 50th anniversary? Unbelievable. While I was in there, the steak I was eating celebrated its 25th. Don't eat steak at the Waffle House. If you do, you'll be pooping colors Sherwin-Williams ain't heard of.


I remember when I moved away back in tenth grade down to Florida. First time I ever come back, I come up on a Greyhound bus. And I had to go to the bathroom so dad-gum bad. So I'm going to the bathroom in the back back there, and there wasn't no toilet paper. So I go to the bus driver, "Hey, there ain't no toilet paper back there." He's like, "There ain't no toilet on this bus." I had to move to the front real quick.


We was fishin' the other day, and I get hammered. I'm like, "I gotta take a leak." So I start peein' in the lake. Realized I was in the fish tank up at the Red Lobster. Thank God they put rubber bands on them lobster pinchers, I'll tell ya that much.


Felt bad for my grandpa a while back. 'Cause he likes to go on his mornin' walks, and little jogs--but he's been trippin' and fallin' and hittin' his head. We thought he might have a brain tumor. So we took him to the doctor up there. Turns out he's fine. But the doctor said when he walks from now on, he needs to tuck his nuts into his socks.


His name's Wyatt, after his grandma.


I seen Hugh Hefner. What's Hugh Hefner, about 80-somethin', 90 years old? He's old. ... He's walking down the street with a Playboy Bunny under each arm in L.A. I swear, I thought they was filmin' Weekend at Bernie's 3


I get to meet the coolest people, all kind of celebrities I never thought I'd ever meet. And the strangest one was, I met Hillary Clinton about seven months ago. All right. Talk about strange bedfellows right there, all right. And we didn't even really talk to each other. We kind of stood next to each other at the urinal for a couple of minutes.


But my problem is I ain't got no energy anymore. It just sucks. My wife said to me the other day-- She said, "Let's run upstairs and have sex real quick." I'm like, "You need to pick one. I can't do both of 'em. All right?" No. We ended up makin' love downstairs on the couch. Pissed off the manager of the Holiday Inn too, I'll tell ya that much.


I got a boner on a nude beach. According to my shadow, it happened at 3:15.


I'm tryin' to teach my little boy to be outdoorsy, ya know? Ya gotta kinda correlate stuff, though, to the kids. Ya gotta like somethin' else. My little boy knows how to fish 'cause I got him a Spider-Man fishin' pole. Huntin'--forget that. I can't find a SpongeBob 12-gauge anywhere in Lancaster County.


Bought a pair of boots the other day, and they was some silicone gel in there. Big red letters said, "Do not eat." Do they really need that stuff in them boots? Is there really some dude opening a pair of boots goin', "Boy, look at them boots. What the hell? I better eat that. I don't know what the hell that is."


When I die, I don't wanna die naked. And I'll tell you why I don't wanna die naked. 'Cause your relatives have to try and figure out why the hell you was naked. And number two, if your friends find you, you know they're gonna be sad, but they're gonna make fun of you while you're layin' there naked. They'll be like, "Oh, Larry's dead. "Well, he didn't have a lot to live for. Look at him right there. We better roll him over before the ambulance gets here. Spare him some embarrassment. Ooh, that's worse. Roll him back over the other way. That ain't any better."


Hey, folks, this is gonna be my favorite time of the show. I got a special guest gonna come out and talk to you. He's been helpin' me out on a few things. his is a good night for me. Please welcome my buddy, Mr. Toby Keith. [Crowd cheers] All right, I'm just kiddin'. All right, that was a butthole move. All right? It was. But if I was sittin' out there, I'd be laughin' at that right now.


All these people that really got screwed out of their job and lost their homes, I feel bad for them folks-- I really do. I wish there was something we could do. But these people that bought a house, knowing full well they couldn't afford it, and they didn't give a damn what happened--they's the one that piss me off. And my brother done that. And I told him not to do it. I told him not to do it. And I told him. I said, "Dewayne, listen to me. Start small, work into something big. You'll be glad you did." But, no, he didn't do that. He wanted to be big dog in the neighborhood. Sure enough, it got foreclosed on him and they made him drive it back to the lot.


Christian D. Larson Quotes

The Ideal Made Real


There are occasions that seem worthless, and the average person thinks he is wasting time while he is passing through such states, but no matter how worthless the occasion may seem to be the one who makes the best use of it while he is in it will get something of real value out of it; in addition, the experience will have exceptional worth, because whenever we try to turn an occasion to good account we turn everything in ourselves to good account.


Happiness, however, is not the result of any one single cause. It is the result of many ideal states of being grouped together into one harmonious whole. …


Christian D. Larson Quotes

Latin Proverbs


He who seeks a reason for everything subverts reason.


We are born; we die.


While we live, let us live.


He that has time and looks for more, loses time.


Toil is prayer.


It is necessary to risk something.


Danger can never be overcome without taking risks.


It is better to be always prepared than to suffer once.


If you desire peace, be ever prepared for war.


The office shows the man.


Every virtue is but half way between two vices.


Every advantage has its disadvantage.


The hatred of knaves is preferable to their company.


Many will hate you if you love yourself.


Never descend to vulgarity, even in joking.


Attempt nothing beyond your strength.


Times change, and we change with them.


You may drive Nature out with a pitchfork, but she will inevitably return.


Excess of Obligation may lose a Friend.


You teach the dolphin to swim.


Latvian Proverbs


No matter how much you eat, save some seeds for sowing.


Johann Kaspar Lavater Quotes

(1741-1801) theologian, mystic, and poet


He who has not forgiven an enemy has not yet tasted one of the most sublime enjoyments of life.


Act well at the moment, and you have performed a good action to all eternity.


He knows very little of mankind who expects, by any facts or reasoning, to convince a determined party-man.


If you wish to appear agreeable in society, you must consent to be taught many things which you know already.


Johann Kaspar Lavater Quotes


Lewis Lawes Guotes

Sing Sing prison warden


Few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger. Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.


Gustave Le Bon Quotes

(1841–1931) social psychologist, sociologist

Crowds


As soon as a certain number of living beings are gathered together, whether they be animals or men, they place themselves instinctively under the authority of a chief.


There is not a summing-up of or an average struck between the element of a crowd. What really takes place is a combination followed by the creation of new characteristics… [When individuals form a crowd, they don't act the way the average individual would. The fact that they're together in one unit causes new qualities to spring up.]


Whoever be the individuals that compose a crowd, however like or unlike be their mode of life, their occupations, their character, or their intelligence, the fact that they have been transformed into a crowd puts them in possession of a sort of collective mind which makes them feel, think, and act in a manner quite different from that in which each individual of them would feel, think, and act were he in a state of isolation.


The violence of the feelings of crowds is also increased, especially in heterogeneous crowds, by the absence of all sense of responsibility.


[A crowd] knows neither doubt nor uncertainty. … A suspicion transforms itself as soon as announced into incontrovertible evidence. [Crowds have a tendency to be sure about everything--to the point where they'll take a suspicion, and quickly regard it as proof.]


Crowds are only cognisant of simple and extreme sentiments; the opinions, ideas, and beliefs suggested to them are accepted or rejected as a whole, and considered as absolute truths or as not less absolute errors. This is always the case with beliefs induced by a process of suggestion instead of engendered by reasoning. [When people form a crowd, they become more receptive to extreme, one-sided ideas.]


Affirmation pure and simple, kept free of all reasoning and all proof, is one of the surest means of making an idea enter the mind of crowds. The conciser an affirmation is, the more destitute of every appearance of proof and demonstration, the more weight it carries.


Affirmation, however, has no real influence unless it be constantly repeated, and so far as possible in the same terms. It was Napoleon, I believe, who said that there is only one figure in rhetoric of serious importance, namely, repetition. The thing affirmed comes by repetition to fix itself in the mind in such a way that it is accepted in the end as a demonstrated truth. *


In a crowd every sentiment and act is contagious, and contagious to such a degree that an individual readily sacrifices his personal interest to the collective interest.


Personal interest is very rarely a powerful motive force with crowds, while it is almost the exclusive motive of the conduct of the isolated individual.


Even in the case of absolute scoundrels it often happens that the mere fact of their being in a crowd endows them for the moment with very strict principles of morality.


In literature, art, and philosophy the successive evolutions of opinion are more rapid still. Romanticism, naturalism, mysticism, &c., spring up and die out in turn. The artist and the writer applauded yesterday are treated on the morrow with profound contempt.


The possession of prestige does not suffice, however, to assure the success of a candidate. The elector stickles in particular for the flattery of his greed and vanity. He must be overwhelmed with the most extravagant blandishments, and there must be no hesitation in making him the most fantastic promises. If he is a working man it is impossible to go too far in insulting and stigmatising employers of labour. As for the rival candidate, an effort must be made to destroy his chance by establishing by dint of affirmation, repetition, and contagion that he is an arrant scoundrel, and that it is a matter of common knowledge that he has been guilty of several crimes. It is, of course, useless to trouble about any semblance of proof. Should the adversary be ill-acquainted with the psychology of crowds he will try to justify himself by arguments instead of confining himself to replying to one set of affirmations by another; and he will have no chance whatever of being successful.


Denis Leary Quotes


Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, ok? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go *snort* *splat* Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"


We need a two and a half hour movie about the Doors? Folks, no we don't. I can sum it up for you in five seconds, ok? "I'm drunk. I'm nobody. I'm drunk. I'm famous. I'm drunk. I'm fucking dead." There's the whole movie, ok!?


What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom. Yeah!"


The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroine. Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret.


I'm gonna open up a restaurant with two smoking sections; Ultra and Regular, ok? And we're not gonna have any tables or any chairs or any napkins. None of that pussy shit. Just a big wide open black space. And all we're gonna serve is raw meat, right on the bone! And only men are going to eat there. Naked men, sitting around a big giant camp fire. And no men's room either. You have to piss--you mark your territory like a wolf! And if some guy has a heart attack from eating too much meat, fuck him, we throw him in the fire! More meat for the other meat-eaters!


I want a bowl of raw red meat right now. Forget about that. Bring me a live cow over to the table. I'll carve off what I want and ride the rest home!


I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!? Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their necks. "Moo"


You will eat the meat folks. Because this country was founded on two things: meat and war. You eat enough fucking meat, you wanna kill somebody. That's the way it works. That was the ultimate American dream. During that Persian Gulf War, I was sitting in my living room, naked, with a can of Budweiser and a three inch stake watching the war, live on TV. I had a six foot erection with a giant cheese burger on the end of it. I ate so much meat during the war that by the time the war was over three weeks later, I was like, "No no no. We need to keep fighting. Make a couple of stops on our way home from the Persian Gulf. First stop! Vietnam! Surprise the fuck out of those people, huh?"


I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!"


Mark Leathers Quotes

comedian


In 1991, Pee Wee Herman got busted masturbating in a public movie theater. I don't blame the guy. He couldn't do it at home with all his furniture watching him.


Lebanese Proverbs


Love overlooks defects; hatred magnifies them.


If anyone is not willing to accept your point of view, try to see his point of view.


Aart van der Leeuw Quotes

(1876-1931) writer


The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved; it is a reality to be experienced.


Mike LeFevre

Chicago steel mill worker - 37 years old in the early 70s (when he was interviewed), husband to a part time waitress / stay at home mom, father of two children


I'm a dying breed. A laborer. Strictly muscle work ... pick it up, put it down, pick it up, put it down. We handle between forty and fifty thousand pounds of steel a day. ...

You can't take pride any more. You remember when a guy could point to a house he built, how many logs he stacked. He built it and he was proud of it. I don't really think I could be proud if a contractor built a home for me. I would be tempted to get in there and kick the carpenter in the ass (laughs), and take the saw away from him. 'Cause I would have to be part of it, you know. It's hard to take pride in a bridge you're never gonna cross, in a door you're never gonna open. You're mass-producing things and you never see the end result of it. (Muses) I worked for a trucker one time. And I got this tiny satisfaction when I loaded a truck. At least I could see the truck depart loaded. In a steel mill, forget it. You don't see where nothing goes.

I got chewed out by my foreman once. He said, "Mike, you're a good worker but you have a bad attitude." My attitude is that I don't get excited about my job. I do my work but I don't say whoopee-doo. The day I get excited about my job is the day I go to a head shrinker. How are you gonna get excited about pullin' steel? How are you gonna get excited when you're tired and want to sit down?

It's not just the work. Somebody built the pyramids. Somebody's going to build something. Pyramids, Empire State Building--these things just don't happen. There's hard work behind it. I would like to see a building, say, the Empire State, I would like to see on one side of it a foot-wide strip from top to bottom with the name of every bricklayer, the name of every electrician, with all the names. So when a guy walked by, he could take his son and say, "See, that's me over there on the forty-fifth floor. I put the steel beam in." Picasso can point to a painting. What can I point to? A writer can point to a book. Everybody should have something to point to.

It's the not-recognition by other people. To say a woman is just a housewife is degrading, right? Okay. Just a housewife. It's also degrading to say just a laborer. The difference is that a man goes out and maybe gets smashed.

When I was single, I could quit, just split. I wandered all over the country. You worked just enough to get a poke, money in your pocket. Now I'm married and I got two kids.

I worked on a truck dock one time and I was single. The foreman came over and he grabbed my shoulder, kind of gave me a shove. I punched him and knocked him off the dock. I said, "Leave me alone. I'm doing my work, just stay away from me, just don't give me the with-the-hands business."

Hell, if you whip a damn mule he might kick you. Stay out of my way, that's all. Working is bad enough. Don't bug me. I would rather work my ass off for eight hours a day with nobody watching me than five minutes with a guy watching me. Who you gonna sock? You can't sock General Motors, you can't sock anybody in Washington, you can't sock a system.

A mule, an old mule, that's the way I feel. Oh yeah. See. (Shows black and blue marks on arms and legs, burns.) You know what I heard from more than one guy at work? "If my kid wants to work in a factory, I am going to kick the hell out of him." I want my kid to be an effete snob. Yeah, mm-hmm. (Laughs.) I want him to be able to quote Walt Whitman, to be proud of it. If you can't improve yourself, you improve your posterity. Otherwise life isn't worth nothing. ... I want to send my kid to college.

I work so damn hard and want to come home and sit down and lay around. But I gotta get it out. I want to be able to turn around to somebody and say, "Hey, fuck you." You know? (Laughs.) The guy sitting next to me on the bus too. 'Cause all day I wanted to tell my foreman to go fuck himself, but I can't.

So I find a guy in a tavern. To tell him that. And he tells me too. I've been la in brawls. He's punching me and I'm punching him, because we actually want to punch somebody else. The most that'll happen is the bartender will bar us from the tavern. But at work, you lose your job.

This one foreman I've got, he's a kid. He's a college graduate. He thinks he's better than everybody else. He was chewing me out and I was saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." He said, "What do you mean, yeah, yeah, yeah? Yes, sir." I told him, "Who the hell are you, Hitler? What is this 'Yes, sir' bullshit? I came here to work, I didn't come here to crawl. There's a fuckin' difference." One word led to another and I lost.

I got broke down to a lower grade and lost twenty-five cents an hour, which is a hell of a lot. It amounts to a~bout ten dollars a week. He came over, after breaking me down. The guy comes over and smiles at me. I blew up. He didn't know it, but he was about two seconds and two feet away from a hospital. I said, "Stay the fuck away from me." He was just about to say something and was pointing his finger. I just reached my hand up and just grabbed his finger and I just put it back in his pocket. He walked away. I grabbed his finger because I'm married. If I'd a been single, I'd a grabbed his head. That's the difference.

You're doing this manual labor and you know that technology can do it. (Laughs.) Let's face it, a machine can do the work of a man; otherwise they wouldn't have space probes. Why can we send a rocket ship that's unmanned and yet send a man in a steel mill to do a mule's work? Automation? Depends how it's applied. It frightens me if it puts me out on the street. It doesn't frighten me if it shortens my work week. You read that little thing: what are you going to do when this computer replaces you? Blow up computers. (Laughs.) Really. Blow up computers. I'll be goddamned if a computer is gonna eat before I do! I want milk for my kids and beer for me. Machines can either liberate man or enslave 'im, because they're pretty neutral. It's man who has the bias to put the thing one place or another.

If I had a 20 hour workweek, I'd get to know my kids better, my wife better. Some kid invited me to go on a college campus. On a Saturday. It was summertime. Hell, if I have a choice of taking my wife and kids to a picnic or going to a college campus, it's gonna be the picnic. But if I worked a 20 hour week. I could go do both. Don't you think with that extra 20 hours people could really expand? Who's to say? There are some people in factories just by force of circumstance. I'm just like the colored people. Potential Einsteins don't have to be white. They could be in cotton fields, they could be in factories. ... The intellectuals, they always say there are potential Lord Byrons, Walt Whitmans, Roosevelts, Picassos working in construction or steel mills or factories. But I don't think they believe it. I think what they're afraid of is the potential Hitlers and Stalins that are there too. The people in power fear the leisure man. Not just the United States. Russia's the same way. What do you think would happen in this country if, for one year, they experimented and gave everybody a 20 hour week? How do they know that the guy who digs Wallace today doesn't try to resurrect Hitler tomorrow? Or the guy who is mildly disturbed at pollution doesn't decide to go to General Motors and shit on the guy's desk? You can become a fanatic if you had the time. The whole thing is time. That is, I think, one reason rich kids tend to be fanatic about politics: they have time. Time, that's the important thing.

It isn't that the average working guy is dumb. He's tired, that's all. I picked up a book on chess one time. That thing laid in the drawer for two or three weeks, you're too tired. During the weekends you want to take your kids out. You don't want to sit there and the kid comes up: "Daddy, can I go to the park?" You got your nose in a book? Forget it.

I know a guy fifty-seven years old. Know what he tells me? "Mike, I'm old and tired all the time."

The first thing happens at work: when the arms start moving, the brain stops.

I punch in about ten minutes to seven in the morning. I say hello to a couple of guys I like. I kid around with them. One guy says good morning to you and you say good morning. To another guy you say fuck you. The guy you say fuck you to is your friend.

I put on my hard hat, change into my safety shoes, put on my safety glasses, go to the bonderizer. It's the thing I work on. They rake the metal, they wash it, they dip it in a paint solution, and we take it off. Put it on, take it off, put it on, take it off, put it on, take it off...

I say hello to everybody but my boss. At seven it starts. My arms get tired about the first half-hour. After that, they don't get tired any more until maybe the last half-hour at the end of the day. I work from seven to three thirty. My arms are tired at seven thirty and they're tired at three o'clock. I hope to God I never get broke in, because I always want my arms to be tired at seven thirty and three o'clock. (Laughs.) 'Cause that's when I know that there's a beginning and there's an end. That I'm not brainwashed. In between, I don't even try to think.

If I were to put you in front of a dock and I pulled up a skid in front of you with fifty hundred-pound sacks of potatoes and there are fifty more skids just like it, and this is what you're gonna do all day, what would you think about-potatoes? Unless a guy's a nut, he never thinks about work or talks about it. Maybe about baseball or about getting drunk the other night or he got laid or he didn't get laid. I'd say one out of a hundred will actually get excited about work. ...

Oh yeah, I daydream. I fantasize about a sexy blonde in Miami who's got my union dues. (Laughs.) I think of the head of the union the way I think of the head of my company. Living it up. I think of February in Miami. Warm weather, a place to lay in.

When I hear a college kid say, "I'm oppressed," I don't believe him. You know what I'd like to do for one year? Live like a college kid. Just for one year. I'd love to. Wow! (Whispers) Wow! Sports car! Marijuana! (Laughs.) Wild, sexy broads. I'd love that, hell yes, I would.

Somebody has to do this work. If my kid ever goes to college, I just want him to have a little respect, to realize that his dad is one of those somebodies. ...

After work I usually stop off at a tavern. Cold beer. Cold beer right away. When I was single, I used to go into hillbilly bars, get in a lot of brawls. Just to explode. I got a thing on my arm here (indicates scar). I got slapped with a bicycle chain. Oh, wow! (Softly) Mmm. I'm getting older. (Laughs.) I don't explode as much. You might say I'm broken in. (Quickly) No, I'll never be broken in. (Sighs.) When you get a little older, you exchange the words. When you're younger, you exchange the blows.

When I get home, I argue with my wife a little bit. Turn on TV, get mad at the news. (Laughs.) I don't even watch the news that much. I watch Jackie Gleason. I look for any alternative to the ten o'clock news. I don't want to go to bed angry. Don't hit a man with anything heavy at five o'clock. He just can't be bothered. This is his time to relax. The heaviest thing he wants is what his wife has to tell him.

When I come home, know what I do for the first twenty minutes? Fake it. I put on a smile. I got a kid, three years old. Sometimes she says, "Daddy, where've you been?" I say, "Work." I could have told her I'd been in Disneyland. What's work to a three-year-old kid?

If I feel bad, I can't take it out on the kids. Kids are born innocent of everything but birth. You can't take it out on your wife either. This is why you go to a tavern. You want to release it there rather than do it at home. What does an actor do when he's got a bad movie? I got a bad movie every day.

I don't even need the alarm clock to get up in the morning. I can go out drinking all night, fall asleep at four, and bam!--I'm up at six-no matter what I do. (Laughs.) It's a pseudo-death, more or less. Your whole system is paralyzed and you give all the appearance of death. It's an ingrown clock. It's a thing you just get used to. ...

[On weekends I] drink beer, read a book. See that one? Violence in America. It's one of them studies from Washington. One of them committees they're always appointing. A thing like that I read on a weekend. ... I don't do that much reading from Monday through Friday. Unless it's a horny book. I'll read it at work and go home and do my home work. (Laughs.) That's what the guys at the plant call it-homework. (Laughs.) Sometimes my wife works on Saturday and I drink beer at the tavern.

I went out drinking with one guy, oh, a long time ago. A college boy. He was working where I work now. Always preaching to me about how you need violence to change the system and all that garbage. We went into a hillbilly joint. Some guy there, I didn't know him from Adam, he said, "You think you're smart." I said, "What's your pleasure?" (Laughs.) He said, "My pleasure's to kick your ass." I told him I really can't be bothered. He said, "What're you, chicken?" I said, "No, I just don't want to be bothered." He came over and said something to me again. I said, "I don't beat women, drunks, or fools. Now leave me alone." The guy called his brother over. This college boy that was with me, he came nudging my arm, "Mike, let's get out of here." I said, "What are you worried about?" (Laughs.) This isn't unusual. People will bug you. You fend it off as much as you can with your mouth and when you can't, you punch the guy out. It was close to closing time and we stayed. We could have left, but when you go into a place to have a beer and a guy challenges you-if you expect to go in that place again, you don't leave. If you have to fight the guy, you fight. I got just outside the door and one of these guys jumped on me and grabbed me around the neck. I grabbed his arm and flung him against the wall. I grabbed him here (indicates throat), and jiggled his head against the wall quite a few times. He kind of slid down a little bit. This guy who said he was his brother took a swing at me with a garrison belt. He just missed and hit the wall. I'm looking around for my junior Stalin (laughs), who loves violence and everything. He's gone. Split. (Laughs.) Next day I see him at work. I couldn't get mad at him, he's a baby.

He saw a book in my back pocket one time and he was amazed. He walked up to me and he said, "You read?" I said, "What do you mean, I read?" He said, "All these dummies read the sports pages around here. What are you doing with a book?" I got pissed off at the kid right away. I said, "What do you mean, all these dummies? Don't knock a man who's paying somebody else's way through college." He was a nineteen-year-old effete snob. ...

[I want my kids to be an effete snob.] I want my kid to look at me and say, "Dad, you're a nice guy, but you're a fuckin' dummy." Hell yes, I want my kid to tell me that he's not gonna be like me. ...

If I were hiring people to work, I'd try naturally to pay them a decent wage. I'd try to find out their first names, their last names, keep the company as small as possible, so I could personalize the whole thing. All I would ask a man is a handshake, see you in the morning. No applications, nothing. I wouldn't be interested in the guy's past. ...

I'd like to run a combination bookstore and tavern. (Laughs.) I would like to have a place where college kids came and a steelworker could sit down and talk. Where a workingman could not be ashamed of Walt Whitman and where a college professor could not be ashamed that he painted his house over the weekend.

If a carpenter built a cabin for poets, I think the least the poets owe the carpenter is just three or four one-liners on the wall. A little plaque: "Though we labor with our minds, this place we can relax in was built by someone who can work with his hands. And his work is as noble as ours." I think the poet owes something to the guy who builds the cabin for him.

I don't think of Monday. You know what I'm thinking about on Sunday night? Next Sunday. If you work real hard, you think of a perpetual vacation. Not perpetual sleep. ... What do I think of on a Sunday night? Lord. I wish the fuck I could do something else for a living.

... Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel. It took him a long time to do this, this beautiful work of art. But what if he had to create this Sistine Chapel a thousand times a year? Don't you think that would even dull Michelangelo's mind? Or if da Vinci had to draw his anatomical charts thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, eighty, ninety, a hundred times a day? Don't you think that would even bore da Vinci?

[Interview's Question: Way back, you spoke of the guys who built the pyramids, not the pharaohs, the unknowns. You put yourself in their category?] Yes. I want my signature on 'em, too. Sometimes, out of pure meanness, when I make something, I put a little dent in it. I like to do something to make it really unique. Hit it with a hammer. I deliberately fuck it up to see if it'll get by, just so I can say I did it. It could be anything. ... I'd like to make my imprint. My dodo bird. A mistake, mine. Let's say the whole building is nothing but red bricks. I'd like to have just the black one or the white one or the purple one. Deliberately fuck up.

This is gonna sound square, but my kid is my imprint. He's my freedom. There's a line in one of Hemingway's books. I think it's from For Whom the Bell Tolls. They're behind the enemy lines, somewhere in Spain, and she's pregnant. She wants to stay with him. He tells her no. He says, "if you die, I die," knowing he's gonna die. But if you go, I go. Know what I mean? The mystics call it the brass bowl. Continuum. You know what I mean? This is why I work. Every time I see a young guy walk by with a shirt and tie and dressed up real sharp, I'm lookin' at my kid, you know? That's it.


Jay Leno Quotes


I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?”


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Quotes


On the 4th of July, Sarah Palin said, "Imagine what it would be like if the British won the war? We could all be speaking English!"


California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across.


Li Chi (Record of the Ritual) Quotes


They love others, and yet acknowledge the evil that is in them. 1:1:1:[4]:3


Liberian Proverbs


Do not look where you fell; look where you slipped.


Tulku Lobsang Quotes


In your normal life you have too much "I"--that is your problem. Then you practice the spiritual path and you try to make less "I", then you have your own life and you have a spiritual life. Many people practice the spiritual path and they create more "I". They do not realize the root of the problem.

Who does not allow you to become a spiritual person? Nobody, only your "I". That means always, any moment, any time you practice no matter what you practice on the spiritual path, when you feel more "I" then you need to realize this is not the right way of the practice.


Who can make less "I"? You can, nobody but you can.


Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Quotes

(1807-1882) poet


If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we shall find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.


We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while other judge us by what we have already done.


Norm Macdonald Quotes


It's good to be alive. ... And, uh, the reason it's so good is because it's so bad to be dead.

.

.My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died. I think he died. 'Cause, otherwise, he'd be on, uh, Extra. I come from a long line of death.


That's what got my dad. His heart attacked and killed him when he was lying on his bed, and, boom, dead on the floor. You know. They said it was instantly. And my dad, he wasn't expecting it. He was looking for fucking Arabs and shit--and his heart attacked and killed him.


It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. ... There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.


Macedonian Proverbs


If my neighbor is happy, my own work will go easier, too.


Niccolo Machiavelli Quotes

(1469-1527) political philosopher


Love is preserved by an obligatory link in which men... may break... But fear is preserved by the dread of punishment, which never fails.


Niccolo Machiavelli Biography and Quotes


Maga Quotes


The dread of ridicule extinguishes originality in its birth.


There are subjects upon which we cannot reason, we can only feel.


Ramana Maharshi Quotes

(1879-1950) Hindu yogi and philosopher


Mind control is not one’s birthright. The successful few owe their success to their perseverance.


Malaysian Proverbs


No matter how big the whale is, a tiny harpoon can kill him.


Mali Proverbs


If the rabbit is your enemy, admit he can sprint fast.


Steve Martin Quotes

comedian


There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.


I saw the movie 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.


Nelson Mandela Quotes

(1918-) South African leader and civil rights advocate


To be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.


Orison Swett Marden Quotes

(1850-1924) writer


[W]e expect too much from the great happenings, the unusual things, and we overlook the common flowers on the path of life, from which we might abstract sweets, comforts, delights. ... Real happiness is so simple that most people do not recognize it. It is derived from the simplest, the quietest, the most unpretentious things in the world. (The Joys of Living)


He alone is the happy man who has learned to extract happiness, not from ideal conditions, but from the actual ones about him. (The Joys of Living)


Play is as necessary to the perfect development of a child as sunshine is to the perfect development of a plant. (The Joys of Living)


Do you know that nothing is more demoralizing to the life, weakening to the character, than to be constantly wishing and dreaming of the great things we are going to do without a corresponding effort to actualize our dreams? Wishing without a corresponding effort to realize degenerates the mind, destroys initiative. (Ambition)


Everywhere we see people starving for love, famishing for affection, for someone to appreciate them.

On every hand we see men and women possessing material comfort, luxury, all that can contribute to their physical well-being—who are able to gratify almost any wish—and yet they are hungry for love. They seem to have plenty of everything but affection. They have lands and houses, automobiles, yachts, horses, money—everything but love. ( Be Good to Yourself)


The passion for conquest, for power, the love of achievement, is one of the most dominant and persistent characteristics of human nature. ( Be Good to Yourself)


We have an instinctive feeling that we have been set in motion by a Higher Power; that there is an invisible spring within us—the imperious must—which impels us to weave the pattern given us in the Mount of Transfiguration of our highest moment, to make our life-vision real. A divine impulse constantly urges us to reach our highest ideal. There is something back of our supreme ambition deeper than a mere personal gratification. There is a vital connection between it and the great plan of creation, the progress, the final goal, of the race. …

These promptings of humanity and the yearning of every normal man and woman for a fuller, completer life the craving for expansion, for growth; the desire to objectify our life-visions, to give birth to the children of our brain, to exercise our inventiveness, our ingenuity, to express our artistic temperament, our talents, whatever they maybe; the inherent, instinctive longing to become that which we were intended to be; to weave the life-pattern given us at birth—these are the impelling motives for a creative career.

One man expresses himself, or delivers his message to humanity, through his inventive ability to give his fellow men that which will emancipate them from drudgery; another delivers his message through his artistic ability; another through science; another through oratory, through business, or his pen, and so on through all the modes of human expression, each delivers himself according to his talent. In every case the highest motive is beyond the question of mere living-getting.

The great artist does not paint simply for a living, but because he must to express that divine thing in him that is struggling for expression. He has an unconquerable desire to put upon canvas the picture that haunts his brain. We all long to bring out the ideal, whatever it may be, that lives within us. We want to see it; we want the world to see it. ( Be Good to Yourself)

Not long ago a young man whom I had not seen for several years called on me, and I was amazed at the tremendous change in him. When I had last seen him he was pessimistic, discouraged, almost despairing; he had soured on life, lost confidence in human nature and in himself. During the interval he had completely changed. The sullen, bitter expression that used to characterize his face was replaced by one of joy and gladness. He was radiant, cheerful, hopeful and happy.

The young man had married an optimistic wife, who had the happy faculty of laughing him out of his “blues” or melancholy, changing the tenor of his thoughts, cheering him up, and making him put a higher estimate on himself. His removal from an unhappy environment, together with his wife’s helpful, “new thought” influence and his own determination to make good, had all worked together to bring about a revolution in his mental make-up. The love-principle and the use of the right thought-force and had verily made a new man of him. (Peace, Power, and Plenty)


Orison Swett Marden Biography and Quotes


Demetri Martin Quotes


When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.


I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.


I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. "Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass." What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.


I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers. The only time worse would be during a game of fake heart attack, followed by naps.


A lot of times when I fly when I travel, I have to fill out a customs form. They ask me all these questions. And when I answer the questions, it makes me feel like I had a crappy trip. "Were you on a farm in the last four days?" No. "Did you touch any livestock?" No. "Do you have any firearms?" No! I didn't do anything good! Next time, I'm gonna touch a cow, and I'm gonna shoot it.


I don't usually fly in first class, but I do fart in first class. "Can I help you, sir?" "Nah, I'm cool. I'm gonna head back to my seat. Got a little lost. Sorry about that." [sniffs] "It smells like coach up here."


I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things. I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor. "Subaru, reluctant sponsor of the WNBA."


I don't like when I go to a clothing store and I pick out some clothes, then I go to the dressing room, and then they come, and they bother me when I'm in there. "How's it working out for you in there? You all right in there?" When they're like, "How you doing in there?" I go, "Uh... Not too good. I think I'm gonna kill myself. Could you get me a belt, please?" "You all right in there?" "Yeah, I'm naked. Just popping some zits. You want to hop in?" Just leave me alone. "How's it going in there for you?" "Ah, it's all right. I couldn't find the toilet, so I just went. You gotta finish these bathroom stalls, man. Also, could you get me a few t-shirts?"


My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible. [sniffs] "I can't tell if I made any progress in this situation. This is how I started out. This sucks."

Sometimes I'll be sitting there at a table, and there'll be, like, a lady at the table next to me, and then she'll be like, "Um, excuse me, um, can you watch my stuff for a minute? I have to go to the bathroom." And I'll go, "Sure... But I want it." "What?" "Your laptop is a newer model than the one I have."


flyers on the bulletin boards "So you want to learn how to play saxophone? I can stop you! Call immediately." "Spacious, clean, cheap apartment available... Never. Good luck, dipshit." "Learn photography, then teach me. Please. Don't be a prick. Just do it." "Free tiny strips of paper." You can put this next to any flyer that's there already. "That flyer is bullshit. Call me, I will explain." "Found: one cat, looks delicious. Call by Friday. After that, never mind."


I wish my smoke detector had a fajita setting on it. So when I'm cooking, it's like, "Boop, boop--[sniffs] Oh, hold up, these are fajitas. Let's not be an [bleep] here. This is totally fine. Let's not make him get up on a stool with a magazine in front of this girl he's trying to cook for."


Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."


Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican." I'm just joking. I don't think Mexicans are bad listeners. I think Mexicans are good listeners. But not all Mexicans 'cause that would also be racist. I think the right number of Mexicans listen the exact right amount [for me not to be racist].


Dr. Matt


If you're having trouble meditating on a regular basis, try this: sit in a quiet space and visualize yourself meditating. Do that visualization for about 15 minutes every day.


Lorenzo de’ Medici Quotes


Be sure that he who speaks evil of us does not wish us well.


Mencius Quotes


When Shun was living amid the deep retired mountains, dwelling with the trees and rocks, and wandering among the deer and swine, the difference between him and the savages of those remote hills appeared very small. But when he heard a single good word, or saw a single good action, he was like the bursting torrent of the Yang Tzu or Yellow River, which flows out in flood and cannot be restrained. 7:1:16


When anyone told Tzu Lu of his faults, he rejoiced. When Yu heard good words, he bowed. Shun was even greater in this. He regarded virtue as the common property of himself and others, delighting to make the virtue of others his own. While he was a farmer, a potter, a fisherman, and then Emperor, he was continually learning from others. Taking an example from others to practice virtue—this is helping them in the same practice. Thus, there is no attribute in the superior person greater than his helping people practice virtue.


Only when someone doesn't do [certain] things will he be capable of [properly] doing [great] things.


There's a Heavenly nobility, and there's a human nobility. Heavenly nobility consists of goodness (jen), rightness, devotion, and honesty, with unwearied joy in these virtues. Worldy nobility consists of rank and position. ... All people want to be honored. But worldy honors aren't authentic. The people Chao Mung [the King Maker] honors, Chao Mung can debase.


Friendship should disregard a person’s age, station, and relatives. Friendship with someone is friendship with his qualities only. Meng Hsien Tzu was a a high ranking person and had five friends... They maintained a friendship as if he didn't possess that rank. If his rank had been taken into consideration, they wouldn't have [truly] been friends.


[In circumstances of poverty, the people] only fearfully try to save themselves from death. ... Only Aspirants can maintain a fixed heart/mind even without a reliable income. Other people aren't that way: when they don't have that reliable income, they won't have a fixed heart/mind--and without a fixed heart/mind, they'll be willing to do almost anything, no matter how deprave and unethical. And if all the sovereign does is follow up and punish them after they commit crimes, he'll merely be enrtrapping the people.


Though the Way lies in what is near, people seek for it [in what is distant]. 4:1:11


The Great Person never loses his child’s heart.


Goodness (jen) overcomes non-goodness just as water overcomes fire. But nowadays, people practice goodness as if a cup of water can put out a wagonload of burning wood--and when the flames aren't extinguished, they say that water can't overcome fire. This greatly encourages those who are not good, and ultimately leads to a loss of goodness. 6:1:18


The prince of Lu wanted to make Yo Chang Tzu his governor. Mencius said, “When I heard of it, I was so glad that I couldn't sleep.” Kung Sun Ch’au said, “Is Yo Chang magnanimous/vigor/valiant/strong-character?” “No.” “Is he wise/deep in council/thoughtful?” “No.” “Is he possessed of much/extensive/wide information/learning?” “No.”

“What then made you so glad that you could not sleep?” “He is a person who loves what is good.”

“Is the love of what is good sufficient?”

“The love of what is good is more than a sufficient qualification for the government of the Empire—and how much more for Lu State! If someone loves what is good, all within the four seas will consider hundreds of miles but a small distance to come and lay what is good before him. But if he does not love what is good, people will say ‘He seems conceited,’ and the language/air and looks/manner of his conceit will keep people off hundreds of miles. And when good people remain hundreds of miles away, calumniators, flatterers, and sycophants will make their appearance. When a minister lives among calumniators, flatterers, and sycophants, though he may wish the State to be well governed, is it possible for it to be so?” 6:2:13


Worthy people use their own enlightenment to make others enlightened. Nowadays, people [aim to] enlighten others by their own obscurity. 7:2:20


There are many methods of teaching. Refusing to teach [a corrupt person] is to thereby teach. 6:2:16


Most people won't really [be inspired] and exert themselves unless they have a [positive example with high status, like King] Wen. But true aspirants will put forth their strength and exert themselves even if there is no Wen. 7:1:10


Good words do not enter so deeply into people as does a reputation for [doing] goodness. 7:1:14


To nourish the mind/heart, nothing is better than restricting desires [to the essentials]. With restricted desires, we can attend to most things [we want]; with unrestricted desires, we can attend to few things pwe want]. 7:2:35


Thomas Merton Quotes

(1915-1968) Catholic monk and writer


Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.


Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time.


In the last analysis, the individual person is responsible for living his own life and for “finding himself.” If he persists in shifting his responsibility to somebody else, he fails to find out the meaning of his own existence.


Metastasio (Pietro Trapassi / Antonio Domenico Bonaventura Trapassi Pietro) Quotes

(1698-1782) poet


If our inward griefs were seen written on our brow, how many would be pitied who are now envied! / If the internal griefs of every man could be read, written on his forehead, how many who now excite envy would appear to be the objects of pity? (Giuseppe Riconosciuto)


Klemens (Wenzel Nepomuk Lothar Furst) von Metternich(-Winneberg-Beilstein) Quotes

(1773-1859) Austrian statesman


In my whole life I have only known ten or twelve persons with whom it was pleasant to speak—i.e., who keep to the subject, do not repeat themselves, and do not talk of themselves; men who do not listen to their own voice, who are cultivated enough not to lose themselves in commonplaces, and, lastly, who possess tact and good taste enough not to elevate their own persons above their subjects.


Mexican Proverbs


He who speaks too much is tiresome; he who speaks to little is boring.


If you want to live in peace, you mustn’t tell everything you know, or judge everything you see.


If you don’t honor your wife, you are dishonoring yourself.


Mexican Proverbs


Michelangelo Quotes

(1475-1564) artist, architect, and poet


[His motto:] I am still learning


In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it. *


If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it wouldn’t seem wonderful at all.


I do like to write but I also like to get and out and play.


Tokuchika Miki Quotes


God gives man 100% grace and blessing when he sheds his ego. You, not God, begin the process. Shed your ego and you receive grace. Make room for fulfillment, and you will be fulfilled.


Effacement of ego means “One with God.”


It is very well to say that everything that happens to us is destiny; but man also has free will. He uses this free will and wisdom to figure out things. Then adding form and creativity to his decisions, he performs a work of art. Only in this way can a human being feel happy and fulfilled.


Your natural self-expression cannot be selfish if you have a clear understanding of your relative position with your fellowman, society, God, and the Divine Universal Plan. Life is Art. Man’s life is a struggle to overcome his limitations. Art is not an escape. It is a constructive and positive step forward.


When we say that “Life is Art,” we mean that each individual should express his unique personality given by God, but always in relationship to the Divine Plan, and always in reference to the Great Peace. This is true makoto. This is makoto unlimited for world peace. At that point where individual, home, group, race, nation, all express rightly their unique character, there lies the way to world understanding.


It is necessary to use emotion to develop a finer emotion—that is, to use it as material for your highest expression. Govern your emotion. Do not let your emotion govern you. Make your emotion into an art.


Man has emotions, and the change of his emotions affects his life. One’s emotional life must be controlled first of all. Unbalanced conditions of emotions result in unforeseen accidents, physical illness, family troubles, and general unhappiness. …Man can control his destiny by the proper control of emotion.


Approach your situations without preconceptions. There is no true joy of creation when we simply stereotype a former action. There is joy of life when we are inspired to add a new creative touch and do things differently.


When an expression has individuality it has value. When it has not, it has no value worthy of art. Art remains uncreated if we only feel it in our hearts or hold it in imagination. Nothing can be art until it is expressed.


We live together with many people, and we owe much to people everywhere. The clothes we wear, the food we eat, and even the thoughts we think—it is surprising how much we owe to others! Yet the real meaning behind our saying that “human life is relative” is that each man should aim at self-expression on his highest level. He should aspire to such self-expression as no one else has ever attained.


John Stuart Mill Quotes

(1806-1873) philosopher and economist


Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness; on the happiness of others, on the improvement of mankind, even on some art or pursuit, followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.


Henry Miller Quotes

(1891-1980) writer of such books as Tropic of Cancer and Tropic of Capricorn


The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.


Walter Mischel

(1930-) psychologist specializing in personality theory and social psychology


[Young kids] start off unable to wait for anything--whatever they want they need. But then, as I watched my own kids, I marvelled at how they gradually learned how to delay and how that made so many other things possible.


Once you realize that will power is just a matter of learning how to control your attention and thoughts, you can really begin to increase it.


Mo Tzu Quotes


Honoring the worthy is the basis of good government.


Prince Wen of Lu Yang said to Mo Tzu, “Suppose someone is recommended as a loyal minister, and he bows when I allow him to bow down and bends back when I allow him to bend back, and he stays silent when let alone and answers when called. Can this be considered loyalty?”

Mo Tzu said, “Bowing when allowed and bending back when allowed—this is a mere shadow. Staying silent when not called for and answering when called—this is a mere echo. What benefit would you obtain from an echo or a shadow?

“Here is my idea of a loyal minister: He waits and warns when the superior is at fault, he tells the superior about his good ideas without revealing them to the world, he corrects irregularities and leads in goodness, and he identifies himself with the superior and does not ally himself with subordinates.”


Meng Shan, praising Prince Tzu Lu, said, “Formerly, during Po Kung’s revolt, Prince Tzu Lu was held captive. Axes were at his waist, and spears pointed towards his heart. Po Kung told him, ‘Be Lord and live, or refuse and die.’ Prince Tzu Lu said, ‘That is an insult to me! You killed my parents, and are now trying to bait me with Ch’u State. If not righteous to do so, I would not even accept the entire Empire, let alone Ch’u State.’ And so, he refused [and was executed]. Wasn’t Prince Tzu Lu magnanimous?”

Mo Tzu said, “His decision was by all means difficult, but hardly magnanimous. If he felt that the Lord had gone astray from the Way, shouldn’t he have taken the position and run the government? If he felt Po Kung was unrighteous, shouldn’t he have accepted the Lordship, executed Po Kung, and then the Lordship to the Lord?”


Mo Tzu Quotes


Michel Eyquem de Montaigne Quotes

(1533-1592) essayist


Men as often commend as undervalue me beyond reason.


Michel Eyquem de Montaigne Biography and Quotes


J. Pierpoint Morgan Quotes


A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good, and a real one.


Akio Morita Quotes


Our plan is to lead the public with new products rather than ask them what kind of products they want. The public does not know what is possible, but we do.


Muhammad Quotes


Observe moderation in all you do, and if that is not possible, try to be near moderation.


Good thoughts are a part of worship.


Kurozumi Munetada Quotes

(1780-1850) Founder of Kurozumikyo


Follow my example, but go beyond me. *


Eddie Murphy Quotes


Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can't fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. It works. If you have some problem.--walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: "Hey, you got a problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem! I just lost my motherfucking job to a white man, look just like you! So I say I'm gonna step on some feet till I feel I've redeemed myself. You got a problem?" And white guys will go, "Hey, I didn't know about your job." They leave, and the brother be standing there like this: "That was close. I almost got fucked up."


I got one of those fathers who gets drunk and sings old Motown songs to you in his argument, fucks up the lyrics and thinks he's saying it right. "I know you wanna leave me / But I refuse to let you go, Lillian." Then he fuck up, think he's saying it right. "If I have to beg and plead / Do the symphony / I don't mind because it means that much to me."


Ramin Nazer Quotes


Every day I fantasize about not using Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, or YouTube and moving to a beach and selling fruit, then I don't.


Other people's taste in music is always at least a little off.


Stand-up comedy is one of the hardest, scariest things you can do. That's why there are only 800 million people who do it.


Travis Nelson Quotes

comedian


"High five" is short for "Good job, touch me real quick."


Isaac Newton Quotes


If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been due to patient attention more than to any other talent.


I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smooth pebble, or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.


Isaac Newton Biography


Friedrich Nietzsche Quotes

(1844-1900) philosopher and scholar


At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.


Without myth, every culture would lose its healthy creative power.


Friedrich Nietzsche Biography and Quotes


Nigerian Proverbs


Frowning and fierceness do not prove manliness. (Yoruba)


Rain does not make friends with anybody—it falls on any person it meets outside.


The house roof fights the rain, but he who is sheltered ignores it.


Being happy in one’s home is better than being a chief.


You know who you love, but you can’t know who loves you.


It takes a whole village to raise a child. (Yoruba)


Omaha Proverbs


Ask questions from your heart, and you'll receive answers from your heart.


It is easy to show braveness from a safe distance.


Omani Proverbs


Live near water, and ask not about sustenance.


George Orwell Quotes


At any given moment there is an orthodoxy, a body of ideas of which it is assumed that all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to say this, that or the other, but it is “not done” to say it... Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with surprising effectiveness. A genuinely unfashionable opinion is almost never given a fair hearing, either in the popular press or in the high-brow periodicals.


Joel Osteen Quotes


I know this lady. Her husband doesn't come to church with her. There are a lot of issues in her home she's been dealing with. For years she used to come down front for prayer. She had this list of all the things she wanted God to fix. And she didn't think she could be happy unless they all turned around. The main thing was her husband.

I saw her recently and she was just beaming with joy. She was more beautiful and more at peace than I had ever seen her before. And I thought surely everything must have worked out. But she said, "No, Joel. My husband is just the same. Still got a lot of issues. He hasn't changed. But you know what? I have changed. I don't let that frustrate me anymore. I don't let him keep me from enjoying my life."


[N]o one person can give me everything that I need. I’m not gonna be frustrated making somebody change something they can’t change, or give me something they don’t have.


I’ve known people who’ve spent years and years trying to win the approval of someone- playing up to them, sacrificing their own identities, their own goals to try to impress a boss, or try to win over one of their critics. The problem is that person is never going to give them their approval. If we’re gonna live in victory, we have to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like us, and not everyone is going to agree with us. I saw an interesting statistic. It said, 25% of the people you meet won’t like you and never will. 25% won’t like you but could be persuaded to. 25% will like you but could be persuaded not to, and 25% will like you and stand by you no matter what. Life gets a lot free-er when we realise that - if that person doesn’t like me, if they don’t want to be my friend, if they don’t want to give me their time of day, no big deal. I’m not gonna get upset. I’m not gonna spend the next 2 years trying to win them over. I realised they are one of the 25% that will never like me. I could compliment them every hour, send them flowers every day, mow their lawn every week, but this old goat… I mean this person, is never going to like me. Here’s the key - you should not waste your valuable time and energy playing up to them, trying to change their mind, trying to convince them that you’re important. Those are distractions. You don’t need their approval to be who God made you to be. You don’t have to have them accept you. If you will let that go and not get involved in battles that don’t matter, then God will not only send you people that accept and approve you, He will send you people that will celebrate you. People that celebrate your talents, celebrate your personality, celebrate your accomplishments. You won’t have to constantly be trying to prove yourself, walking on eggshells, hoping that you are good enough. You can just relax and be who God made you to be. And they will think you are the greatest thing in the world. It’s like when I was growing up. My grandmother, in her eyes I could do no wrong. Somebody ate the chocolate chip cookie before dinner, “Who was it?” “Not my darling Joel. It may have been one of his 3 sisters but I know Joel couldn’t have done that.” My sisters used to get so aggravated. They used to say, “Grandmama thinks Joel is a saint.” I can’t help it but I’d even have favour back then. That’s the kind of people God wants to bring you - people who are for you, people who believe in you, people who celebrate who you are. Here’s something important - quit wasting your time trying to win somebody over that’s never gonna be won over. Quit trying to make somebody love you that’s never gonna love you. Quit trying to persuade them to be your friend, when they are never gonna be your friend. If you have to constantly play up to them, convince them that you are important, convince them into spending time with you, that is a battle that is not worth fighting. You need to have that attitude - "I know I have something great to offer. I am one-of-a-kind, I have a great personality. I have the right looks and I am not gonna live my life trying to make people love, trying to convince them that I am good enough. I’m gonna let that go and trust in God to bring me divine connections- people that will celebrate who I am." Years ago, there was this couple that I knew. I really wanted to be their friend but they were not that friendly to me. They were cordial, they would say hello, but it seemed like there was always something keeping them from accepting and approving me. I just could not understand that. I went out of my way to win their approval. I introduced them to friends of mine, in fact one of them led to them starting a business together. You’d think they’d be appreciative and at least be friendly, but still - nothing. Eventually they got transferred and relocated to another city and I found people to help them move, and even gave them a gift for their new home. But in spite of all I did, they would not give me the time of day. You know on top of them, a couple of years later, I got word that they were talking bad about me. They thought I’d not done enough, not treated them right and here there was nobody in the world that I’d done more for than that couple. I realise now that they are just one of the 25% that are never gonna like me. I wish I’d known back then that I know now, you don’t have to play up to people, you don’t have to convince them to like you, you don’t have to buy people off. If they don’t wanna be your friend, just have the attitude- Too bad for you. You don’t know what you’re missing out on. When I quit fighting those battles, that’s when God began bringing people into my life that would celebrate me. It was not long after that that I met Victoria. Even if she does leave the lights on, I’ll still take her. She celebrates me, I celebrate her. One reason people will never accept us is because they are so insecure. They will never give you a compliment, never let you in their group because they are intimidated, they are threatened by you. The way they express that insecurity is that they push you down so they’ll look bigger. They minimize so they can equalize. They will diminish who you are and what you have to offer, and your accomplishments so they won’t look so small. People like that are never gonna change. That’s a battle not worth fighting. If you’ll let it go, God will bring people who will add value, not take away. People that will celebrate who you are and be happy when you succeed, not people who will find fault, not people who will get jealous. We should not waste our time in battles that are not win-able. Some people, no matter what you say or do, are never gonna change their minds. Really. All they want to do is argue, they just like to fight, if they’re not fighting with you, they’ll be fighting with somebody else.


Patton Oswalt Quotes

comedian


[On seeing Jerry Maguire with his brother, who hated it] In the middle of Tom Cruise's speech, there's this sudden, dramatic pull-in to his face, and there's tears in his eyes, and he says, "we live in a cynical world," and that's when my brother went, "FUCK YOU!" at the top of his... oh, my God. That was...it was such a horrible, rude thing to yell, and I was laughing so hard. I could not get the air in to make the sound of laughter. People ask me, "what is your favorite comedy of all time?" Jerry Maguire, when my brother yells, "fuck you!" at Tom Cruise. It is a 90-minute setup to one punchline.


This year I have to commit to losing weight--or I have to become fascinated with what's happening to me, like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, and, like, start keeping a journal every morning. Just, "Wow--I grew sub-tits last night. That's new. "


You don't wanna see some happy comedian on stage going, "Hey, folks. Bush is a sociopath. We're all on the edge of Armageddon. But do you know what makes it all better? Snuggling.


When I fly back to LA tomorrow, I am going to the Buggy Whip restaurant and getting a giant fucking steak. You heard me! I enjoy steak too much because I hate hippies so much. You know what I mean. I enjoy it more than I think I actually enjoy it. Every time you eat a steak, like a hippy’s hacky sack goes down the gutter, you know, “Oh man, oh dude, what the fuck man.” And I like the… I mean I’ll go to Lawrys and Ruth’s Chris, the really high end steak houses. But I’ll go to the shitball steak house, I don’t care. Outback. Blank Angus. I’m there, it’s steak. Not so much Black Angus, though. 'Cause do you remember how friendly the ads for Black Angus used to be? They were like, "Come on in! Have a steak. How about a baked potato?" You’re like, "How about yeah! I’ll see you tomorrow night. Table for two, 7:15." Now the ads for Black Angus, have you noticed how it’s turned into this gauntlet of angry food? It’s almost like they’re like challenging you: “At Black Angus, we’ll start you off with our appetizer platter, featuring five jumbo deep fried gulf shrimp, served on a disk of salted butter, with 15 of our potato bacon bombs and a big bowl of pork cracklins with our cheese and butter dippin’ sauce." You're like, "Um we’re all gonna split that… " “Awe, you’ll each get your own! Then well take you to our mile long soup and salad bar featuring bacon and cheese cream soup and our five head of iceburg lettuce He-Man salad, served in a punch bowl with 18 pounds of ranch dressing, pork stuff deep fried croutons and, what the hell, a couple of corn dogs.” "Uh, hey man, I tell you what, I’ll just get like a mixed green salad." “Hey, I’ll suck a cock on the Golden Gate Bridge before I bring you a mixed green, buddy.” "I... what? I..." “Then we’ll wheel out our bottomless trough of friend dough.” "Wait a minute, am I getting a steak?" “Oh you’ll get a fucking steak. Cause then we’ll bring out our 55 ounce Lost Mesa, He-Man steak slab, served with a deep fried pumpkin, stuffed with buttered scallops and 53 of our potato bacon bombs.” "Oh dude, I don’t think…" “And then bend over Abigail May, cause here comes the gravy pipe.” "What?" “Black Angus, doors are locked from the outside, faggot!” "But, no. What, when did I...?" “At Black Angus, your name is Peaches.”


Pancastikaya Quotes


Due to wrong faith, the attitude of a person becomes perverted. Religion is as unattractive to him as sweet juice to a person suffering from fever, for he cannot relish it. (1:6)


Faith, knowledge and conduct together constitute the path of liberation; this is the path to be followed. The saints have declared that if it is followed in the right way, it will lead to the liberation; otherwise, it will lead to the bondage. (16:4 or 164) *


Blaise Pascal Quotes

(1623-1662) scientist/physicist, mathematician, writer, philosopher, and theologian


People are generally better persuaded by the reasons that they have themselves discovered than by those that have come into the mind of others. (10)


No one speaks of us in our presence as he does of us in our absence. (100)


The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things. (277)


Let man now know his value. Let him love himself, for there is in him a nature capable of good; but let him not for this reason love the vileness that is in him. Let him despise himself, for this capacity is barren; but let him not therefore despise this natural capacity. Let him hate himself, let him love himself; he has within him the capacity of knowing the truth and of being happy, but he possesses no truth, either constant or satisfactory. (423)


Kind words do not cost much; yet they accomplish much.


I have made this letter longer because I did not have the time to make it shorter.


Blaise Pascal Biography and Quotes


St. Paul Quotes


We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; (II Corinthians 4:8-9)


And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; and that you put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. (Ephesians 4:23-24)


I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness… (II Timothy 4:7-8)


…Avoid foolish questions, genealogies, contentions, and legal strivings—for they are unprofitable and vain. Warn a conflicting person once, and then once again [if necessary], but no more than that. (Titus 3:9-10)


Cesare Pavese Quotes

(1908-1950) writer


We do not remember days; we remember moments.


Perfect Liberty Kyodan Precepts


Life is art. Man’s life is a succession of self-expressions. ... Man suffers if he fails to express himself.


Man is a manifestation of God.


Man’s true self is revealed when his ego is effaced.


All things exist in mutual relation to one another.


Strive for creating mutual happiness.


Live [as] radiantly as the sun.


Grasp the heart of everything.


At every moment, man stands at the crossroads of good and evil.


Attain the perfect harmonious state of mind and matter.


Perfect Liberty Kyodan Youth Creed


I live for the joy of an artistic life. I pray for the happiness of others. I live with true effort and sincerity. I maintain the highest dignity and honour.


Wilfred Peterson Quotes


Many times we will get more ideas and better ideas in two hours of creative loafing than in eight hours at a desk.


Phaedrus Quotes

Fabulist


The tinsel, glitter, and the specious mien / Delude the most; few pry behind the scene.


The mind ought sometimes to be diverted, that it may return the better to thinking.


The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.


Philippine / Filipino / Tagalog Proverbs


If you like what you are doing, nothing is too far and no job is too hard.


Avoiding danger is not cowardice.


Courage without discretion is no good.


Alertness and courage are life’s shield.


No matter how much care is taken, someone will always be misled.


It is easier to dam a river than to stop the flow of gossip.


The child who is given everything he asks for usually won’t succeed in life.


John Pinette Quotes

comedian


In February I hired a trainer. I've had many since then. Some quit. Some turned to drugs and alcohol. One trainer quit the business and opened up a candy store. Seriously, he makes the best Maple-Walnut Fudge I've ever tasted.


Then he [my trainer] says to me, "Give me a situp." I said, "Oh, Nay Nay!" I don't do ups. I told him that when I signed up. I don't do ups. I do downs. Sit down, lay down, BlackJack I'll double-down. Give me a cheeseburger, I'll wolf it down. Put on a little music, I'll boogie down. But I don't do ups.


I'm like this on the machine. The trainer comes by and says, "I see you're sweating. That's great. That means you're burning fat." "Oh good, I hope it's a controlled burn. Cuz if this baby goes up all at once, there's going to be a mushroom cloud over this gym."


I went to one nutritionist. I walk into his office and he says, "Well, the good news is you can have all the salad you want." "Pheww, that is good news. I was nervous. I came in here thinking, 'Please God anything, don't take away my salad. How will I live without mixed greens?'" ... He wanted me to eat salad as the food. Salad is not food. Salad comes with the food. ... Salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive.


One nutritionist recommended Sushi. ... Sushi, it's wrapped in seaweed. ... You're not supposed to eat seaweed. I pick that out of the crack of my ass at the beach. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to eat that. I never went to the beach and went, "Hey honey! We got sandwiches here. Hold on. What are you getting pizza for?" I hope that's not how it's harvested. Sumo wrestlers up and down the beach at Osaka. "I'ma full now, I'ma coming in."


If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.


My favorite little journey was white water rafting. Have ya been? If you haven't been, just take an ice cold shower and hit yourself with a bag. It's the same thing.


In France, they don't really have breakfast. They have like a croissant. That's it. There's a box of croissants, everybody grabs one, and it disappears and breakfast is gone. Like you go, "Where's breakfast? What do you mean it's over?" They have a Croissant and a cup of coffee, that's breakfast. I have a Croissant and a cup of coffee on the way to breakfast. Where's breakfast?


I was on a cruise ship in 1998 that crashed. This was in the newspaper. It was off the coast of St. Martin. St. Martin is a beautiful island in the Caribbean. It has rocks around it. Big rocks. We're going to call them bad rocks. Everybody knows about these rocks. Christopher Columbus had a map, 1492, "there's gonna be rocks right there." The Captain came too close to the island and we hit the rocks. You know how like the Titanic hit an Iceburg? We hit rocks. Well why is he hitting rocks? Don't you have a rock finder thingy in the steering room? Shouldn't something flash "Rocks!" "Rocks!" Rocks!" My friend has a bass boat, he never hit a rock.


I have no patience in a food line. ... At McDonald's, if there is a long line, I jump behind the counter, I work the fries--I get it moving. I've been employee of the week twice. I don't even work there. But I take the parking space and I love having my picture up.

Watch people at McDonald's. They decide what they want when they get to the front of the line. That makes me crazy. What were you doing in line? Your Tax Returns? I knew what I wanted before I parked the car. People stare at a McDonald's Menu. It's McDonald's. It's the same stuff since you were 6 years old.


Plato Quotes

(428 BC-348 BC) philosopher


Man: a being in search of meaning.


Ted Pollock Quotes


One of the few men able to influence President Woodrow Wilson was Colonel Edward House. Why? Because early in their relationship, House discovered that Wilson could not stand being told what to do by anyone. Somewhat childishly, the President was incapable of admitting that his knowledge of any subject was insufficient or limited. ...Colonel House was keen enough to recognize President Wilson’s "self-image," that of a totally self-sufficient, completely knowledgeable man, and then use it when he thought it necessary. To some extent, each of us entertains a somewhat distorted notion of the kind of person he is, and this self-image is a reliable clue to our character. Learn what a person's self-image is, how he sees himself, and you have one important key to what makes him tick.


One man ... may picture himself as the epitome of all the major virtues, a born leader, better than most people. Another may view himself as possessed of a keen analytical mind, unswayed by emotional considerations. A third may entertain an image of himself as a great innovator and idea man.

As a general rule, people tend to respond positively to those external forces that affirm their own opinions of themselves and negatively to those external forces that deny their self-images.

If you wanted three such men to wear their safety helmets on the job, for example, you would be wise to approach them in terms of their individual self-images.

...Put what you want done in terms of each individual's self-image.


Regardless of the product or service concerned, when a prospect pleads satisfaction with the status quo, the sales person must sell constructive dissatisfaction. One effective way of doing that is to change the frame of reference. People tend to become rigid in their thinking, to see things in one way and one way only. The person used to judging the value of a product according to its price is apt to use price as the frame of reference for all other products. The person to whom efficiency of operation is most important will consider efficiency the sole touchstone of value for other products. Another may consider durability the ultimate test of value. If the salesman can introduce another consideration, however, thereby altering the prospect’s frame of reference, he may break through this resistance to change. By calling attention to other things, he enlarges—or shifts—the criteria by which the product is judged.


Here are a few of the things you can do to provide your people with the incentive to do well. Help them achieve more. Given the choice, most people prefer to do outstanding, rather than mediocre, work. Show them how to do that and you will spur them to greater achievement. One key to accomplishment is improving methodology rather than merely working harder. Examples: You can help an engineer increase his design output by training him in the advanced uses of a computer. You can help a salesperson perform maximally by showing him how to spot and cultivate key accounts. Give them recognition. Over and above monetary reward, what people crave is praise in some form. They need assurances that their efforts are known, valued, appreciated. Sometimes all it takes to satisfy this deep desire is a sincere, “Well done,” preferably delivered in front of their peers. Sometimes something more tangible is required—a business trip that implies trust, inclusion of the individual's name on an honor roll, a letter of congratulations—anything that strokes their egos. Make their work more interesting. It's a fact of life: Familiarity does breed contempt. That's why one of the great demotivators is plain old boredom. To the degree that you can make a person's work meaningful to him, to that degree you will spur him to realize his own highest potential. When people's work excite them, they come alive; they walk differently, they talk differently, they work differently. If you want your own people to do their jobs with dedication, help them enjoy what they're doing. This may require that you build more decision making into their work—more creativity, more variety, more challenge. Give them additional responsibility. This doesn't mean simply giving them more work. It means giving them work of greater importance that requires a higher level of knowledge and skill. The amount of additional responsibility will vary with the individual, of course, but if you haven't reconsidered in the last six months or so what your people are being asked to do, it may be time to reassess their workloads. Help them grow. If any of your people have been in the same job for more than five years, something may be wrong. If they are not promotable, that means they've gained no new knowledge or skills under your management. And since people seldom develop on their own, it means further that you have been remiss in your duty as a supervisor. You ought to be providing help and direction by seeing to it that all your people are exposed to training either inside or outside your organization and making sure that each has an annual program for individual growth.


When someone comes to you with a complaint, it probably represents weeks, even months, of gnawing doubt, discomfort and anxiety. Resist the temptation to belittle it, no matter how baseless it may be. Remember that, as a supervisor, you enjoy a larger view of things—a view that permits you to see events in a larger context with more perspective. Lacking this wider view, the employee may very well be suffering from tunnel vision, but it isn’t his fault. It is woven into the very fabric of the company structure. In short, be understanding.

This becomes particularly important when you consider that a person with a gripe is in no mood to be reasonable. Not at first. Above all, he craves an audience, someone to whom he can pour out his tale of woe. Therefore, the smart supervisor makes it a point, at the very first hint of trouble, to establish communications with the dissatisfied employee.


Most supervisors will happily pat an employee on the back when he or she does an outstanding job, but will say little or nothing to recognize any other kind of work. Yet the human capacity for praise is enormous. Few of us can hear too many good things about ourselves. And the truth is, few people have the opportunity—or the ability—to turn in one outstanding job after another. As a supervisor, therefore, you ought to bear in mind the importance of complimenting an employee on performance improvement.


Big conflicts seldom materialize out of thin air. They are usually preceded by minor skirmishes and other warning signals. If you take the trouble to keep your fingers on your people’s pulse—what’s pleasing them, what’s eating at them—you can usually spot a battle in the making and take appropriate action before it’s too late.


A survey of workers in various industries confirms what most supervisors have long suspected—communications between them and their people could be vastly improved. The workers were asked to appraise their supervisors’ methods of communicating with them and to offer suggestions for improving those methods. Their answers shed some useful light on what kind of communicating subordinates expect from their bosses. They were virtually unanimous on one thing: the way their supervisors communicated—or failed to—had a major influence on their performance. Here are some guidelines that emerged from their comments: Share more information with employees. Workers who have to guess about what’s going on in the department rarely remain silent—they feed the grapevine with rumors based on their hopes or anxieties. It’s up to the supervisor to share information with the crew to eliminate misunderstanding and rumor. Conduct better appraisal interviews. Many employees felt they were on trial during appraisal interviews. They were afraid to bring up problems they were having on the job—problems that the supervisor might have helped them solve. This suggests that supervisors should try to establish a climate in which employees will feel free to say what’s on their minds. Some employees felt that in appraisal interviews their supervisor too often deals with vague generalities that could apply to anyone. They want to be appraised in terms of their own performances and problems. This means the supervisor should be well prepared for each interview and deal in specifics. Employees would also appreciate more frankness during appraisal interviews. Even if something unpleasant is involved, these employees prefer that their boss come right out with it instead of beating around the bush. Give praise as well as criticism. Many employees complained that supervisors talked to them only when something went wrong. These employees agreed that they should be corrected when they make mistakes, but the majority wanted equal time allotted for praising good work. Be available. It isn’t enough for the supervisor to have an “open door” policy. They find that when they try to discuss a problem with their supervisor, constant interruptions by telephone calls and other people make it impossible to hold a meaningful, coherent discussion. Employees would like to consult their supervisor in a more relaxed atmosphere. True, this is frequently difficult to arrange, but supervisors might set aside time when they can give their undivided attention to an employee. Talk to everyone. More than 75% of the people surveyed were concerned about supervisors who consistently fraternized with a few favorite employees and ignored the rest. They felt that the supervisor should spend some time talking with each employee. Discuss, don’t argue. When an employee and a supervisor disagree, the employee is more likely to see the supervisor’s point of view if it is presented in a reasonable, non-dictatorial way. That was the opinion of 90% of the workers surveyed. They said that when a supervisor uses an informal, democratic approach rather than an “I-know-best” approach, they tend to have more confidence and belief in what is said—and this helps them accept new ideas, too. Give Assignments that Train Most assignments are viewed simply as a means of sharing the work burden with employees. That’s certainly their primary function, but it’s not the whole story. They can serve another, sometimes more important function: training your people for bigger and better things. To add this vital ingredient to your assignments, give your people the following kind of assignments whenever possible. Assignments they need to strengthen special weaknesses. In order to get work done, it is only good sense to give it to the most competent worker, but among your responsibilities is that of “stretching” your people. So, fully aware that the job may not be done as well as you would like, give an occasional assignment designed to challenge the employee. Watch his progress from a distance if possible, so that he will not be nervous about your supervision. A variety of assignments to test their versatility and add interest to their jobs. Variety in the details makes the whole job more palatable. But take care not to overspice a job. Too many and too diverse details will overburden your people and kill their interest altogether. Assignments arranged on a rising scale of importance. Make each hurdle a bit higher than the last, assuming that the last was successfully negotiated. It will boost self-confidence, give you a group of people who are ever more valuable. Assignments that make them feel important. Often, all employees require is a vote of confidence from their supervisor to turn in superior work. Most of us tend to live up to what others expect of us. Set high standards, show workers that you do not doubt their abilities and they will move heaven and earth not to let you down. In the process, they will often discover new strengths that even they didn’t suspect they possessed. Occasionally, then, give an assignment designed to demonstrate that you believe your people have what it takes to outperform themselves. Dealing with pressure Are you swamped with work and impossible deadlines? Do you sometimes feel that no matter how hard you try, it just isn’t good enough? Pressure is a part of life. Everyone feels a certain amount of pressure to get things done. Handled properly, however, pressure can be a great motivator. One way to handle pressure is to draw a timetable of accomplishment—a list of what you must do, when you must finish it and the amount of time you can afford to spend on each part. Getting this information down on paper can be a tonic, for you can track your progress and identify precisely what remains to be done. It also helps to convert the sometimes overwhelming feeling of pressure into words you can study and understand.

Stick your neck out. Promise someone you wouldn’t want to let down that you will finish that tough project within two weeks, for example, and the desire to please that person will do the rest. End result: growing self-confidence. 12 Ways To Manage Your Time More Effectively Put your goals in writing. Then set your priorities. Make sure you’re getting what you really want out of life . Focus on objectives, not on activities. Your most important activities are those that help you accomplish your objectives. Set at least one important objective daily and achieve it. Question all of your activities. If they do not contribute to the realization of your goals, eliminate—or at least modify—them. Get rid of at least one time waster from your life each month. Make a to-do list every day. Be sure it includes your daily objectives, priorities and time estimates, not just random activities. Schedule your time every day to make sure you accomplish the most important things first, but leave room for the unexpected, including interruptions. Make sure that the first hour of your workday is productive. Set time limits for every task you undertake. Take the time and make the effort to do things right the first time, and you won’t have to waste time doing them over. Block out an hour a day of uninterrupted time for your most important chores. Get the habit of finishing what you start. Don’t jump from one thing to another, leaving a string of unfinished chores behind you. Don’t spend your time on less important things when you could be spending it on more important things. How Not To Handle Employee Complaints Handled correctly, a grievance can be a healthy safety valve that permits the griper to get things off his chest and, consequently, satisfaction. Mishandled, even a minor complaint can mushroom into anger, stubbornness, spitefulness, lack of cooperation and, finally, disloyalty. In dealing with other people’s dissatisfactions, supervisors are frequently guilty of thoughtlessness and haste. Here are the most common blunders to avoid: Making it difficult for workers to come to you. Of course you’re busy. You have meetings to attend, paperwork to get out, superiors to report to, work to oversee. Under such circumstances, an employee’s grievance can seem very insignificant. But if the worker can’t turn to you, to whom can he go? Deny him the one logical outlet for what is troubling him, and you are setting the stage for massive discontent. So make yourself available. Not giving him your complete attention. Allowing the employee to tell his story is not enough. You must give him your undivided attention. It is insulting to invite a man to talk to you, then riffle through papers, take telephone calls or walk around while he is unburdening himself. Not taking the complaint seriously. Shaking your head, clucking your tongue, smiling in an all-knowing manner while a worker is relating his problem to you—these are only a few of the ways you can tell him that you think his complaint lacks merit. If one of your people feels strongly enough to articulate a grievance, you owe him the courtesy of serious, attentive hearing. Expressing an opinion too soon. To reach a conclusion before you have all the evidence is not only manifestly unfair, but by doing so, you risk appearing ignorant of subordinates. And once workers lose respect for their supervisor, his ability to supervise is irreparably damaged Hiding behind red tape. “I’ll have to check that out with the boss.” “As soon as I get the proper forms, I’ll pass your complaint along.” The supervisor who puts an employee’s gripe off by appealing to bureaucracy may succeed in temporarily stifling the complaint, but at the same time he is laying the foundation for another, larger beef. Not letting a worker know what’s being done about his complaint. Because an employee’s complaint is just one of many items on a supervisor's calendar, a supervisor may neglect to keep an individual informed of its disposition. But just as we can only think of the one tooth that aches, so an employee dwells on the subject of his discontent. Not checking on the settlement of a complaint. Grievances are seldom pleasant. Perhaps that’s why some supervisors are eager to drop them as soon as possible. A crucial final step, however, is to see that a complaint is resolved—by removing the cause of it, compensating for it in some way or proving, to the employee’s satisfaction, that his complaint was unwarranted. Like any other job, in short, a grievance should be seen through to the end. Not forgetting a grievance once it is resolved. When we bear a grudge, we bear the heaviest, most profitless burden of all, for it consumes valuable energy better spent in other activities, it poisons relationships, and it undermines the very essence of team work. Unfortunately, it is all too human to remember complaints, particularly if we figure in them. But dwelling on the past accomplishes little. And, as a supervisor, one of your main concerns is necessarily with accomplishment. So, in the matter of employee grievances, resolve that once a case is closed, it is closed forever. Your people will respect you for it.


Portuguese (Portugal) Proverbs


He who is well prepared has already won half of the battle.


Not much can be done when everyone is giving orders.


C.W. Post Quotes


You cannot get well by exercise alone, or by positive thoughts alone. You absolutely must give up the food and drink that disagree with you.


Richard Pryor Quotes


Police got a choke hold they use out here though, man. They choke niggers to death. That mean you be dead when they through. Did you know that? Wait. Niggers [in the audience] goin' "Yeah, we know." White folks: "No! I had no idea!" Yeah, two grab your legs, one grab your head, snap--"Oh, shit. He broke. Can you break a nigger? Is it okay? Let's check the manual. Yep. Page 8. 'You can break a nigger.' Right there, see?"


That's how she made me stop snortin' cocaine. She did. She pulled that shit on me. It worked too, Jack. I had the nerve to pull out some cocaine at the dining room table. She had never seen me do any. Right? And she looked at me a long time, and she said, "Boy--what's that you puttin' up your nose?" I said, "Cocaine, Mama." "Jesus! God! Take me now, Lord! Take me now! God, save my life! Take me, take me, take me! Lord, have mercy, Jesus!" I said, "Mama, don't do that shit! Look! I'm throwin' the shit out, Mama. Look! Sixteen-hundred dollars worth of shit down the drain, Mama." She found out how much it cost, she say, "You dumb motherfucker! You could have sold some of that shit back to the man you got it from!


My kids, when they lie--that's the thing that I love the most. When they be tryin' to tell them lies, and you know they lyin'. Right? And you say, "Who broke this?" "Huh?" "I said, who broke this?" "Okay. I'm gon' tell you. Okay? First, okay, I'm gon' tell you. First, first, I wasn't in here. Right? Uh-uh. First, I was, I was, I was in the kitchen. Okay? Uh-huh. Then, then, then, when I was in the kitchen, you know what happened? You don't know what happened? Okay. I'm gon' tell you. Okay? Then, I was--I was in the kitchen. Okay? Then I was--I was runnin' in here. I wasn't really runnin'. 'Cause you remember when you told me not to run? Uh-huh. So I wasn't really runnin' runnin'. But it was kinda like I was runnin'. My legs was movin' real fast. It looked like I was runnin'--but I wasn't really runnin'. And I was in here then when that thing--that thing was already broke. Uh-huh. That was broke even before I was born. And when that door was fell back like that, and it broke and it fell down."


You ever be runnin' and you get that pain in your side? The pain say, "Hello! I'll be fucking with you the next hour or so. I serve no purpose other than to kill your ass. I'll be moving from side to side, down your groin and up your ass. When you drop dead, I will stop."


Puerto Rican Proverbs


Do not fear a stain that disappears with water.


What might not happen in a year might happen in an instant.


Brian Regan Quotes


I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. Sometimes you’ll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like: “You, too!” I was getting out of a cab at the airport and the driver goes, “Hey…Have a nice flight!” “You, too! You, too, you have a nice flight, too…in case you ever fly someday. Don’t anybody look at me; I’m a moron. Don’t know when to say the 'you, too' phrase. I can’t handle it." I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat, enjoy it when you eat it, if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.”


Do you ever start to say something, and in the middle of what you’re saying you decide to say something else completely? There’s already words out there. These friends were leaving the other day and I started to say “Hey, take care,” and I decided to say “Good luck” instead like half way through, so it came out neither. “See you later, Brian.” “Take…luck! Take luck and care. Take care of the luck. Good luck taking care of the luck that you might have…if you have luck, take it, care for it. TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT WHEN YOU TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT


I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant. Let me tell you. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. So I said, "Hey, when's that BABY due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that BABY due? BABY!" "What baby?" "Uhhh. At the zoo. The pandas. I knew they were trying to have one. I just thought we'd talk about them. Talk about the fluffy zoo animals, you know, I hear that they have over there. You can go look at them. If you want. And touch them."

Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "MA'AM" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!"


I saw an exhibit for what I assumed was for the Shoshone Native American Tribe. So I walked up there and I was like, "I wanna learn about Native Americans." And the guy said, "Here at the shoeshine stand?"


Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.


The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes--but there's more money in not growing corn. [Alt: I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow.]"


Sometimes you wonder why they [waiters] can't do something that seems simple. ... "Would you like anything else, sir?" "Um. Yeah--I'd like a cup of black coffee, please." "How would you like that coffee?" "How would I like the black coffee? Can you put it in a cup? Yeah--don't just splash it on my face." "Would you like cream and sugar with that?" "Is it black cream? If not, I'll take it blackety black black. Um--filled with blackness."


The toaster directions [for Pop Tarts] are longer than one step. I don't know how that's possible... You think it would be step one: "Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast them. It's okay. Hey, are you still reading this?" But they've managed to break it up into smaller increments. These are the actual toaster steps. I want to be in the room watching somebody who has to consult these steps. "Okay, number one: 'remove pastry from pouch.' Ohh. Okay, yeah. I see where they're going with this. We are banging on all cylinders now. Okay, number two: 'insert pastry' Oh okay... 'vertically' Ahh ohh. 'into toaster.' Ahhaha. I gotta get a toaster!'" ... And then they have microwave directions. You can microwave a Pop-Tart. That just blew me away, that you could do that. How long does it take to toast a Pop-Tart? A minute-and-a-half if you want it dark? People don't have that kind of time?


I looked at the serving size [for Fig Newtons]: two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. Two sleeves is a serving size. I open em' both and eat em' like a tree chipper. "DADADADADADADA! Fig newton shavings comin' off the side. DADADADADADADA!!!"


I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He’s showing up everywhere. "Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We’ll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got, grapes? How about cran-grape? What do you got, mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got, pork chops? Cran-chops." Why don't you back off, cran-man? Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation?


I saw something in the store the other day that I don’t understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I’m lazy--but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich--but, uh, I’m not gonna open two jars. I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?"


People refer to food differently in different parts of the country, I've come to find out. I grew up in Miami, Florida. Went to a small college in Ohio. My roommate, my freshman year, was from New Jersey. Our first night in the dorm, I had never met this guy, he goes, "Hey, uh, you wanna go halves on a pie?" ... I found out later he meant pizza. ... I thought he wanted to get a pie. You know, I was like... [Stares] "You wanna get a PIE?" He was all excited, "Yeah, you know, I figured we'd go halves on a pie, you know? Celebrate. Split a pie." [Squints] "Well I hadn't really thought about that. What are you? Little Jack Horner?"


I just don't know who designed the roof to that place [ihop]. [Forms steeple with hands] That's a bit much, isn't it? It's like a cathedral. [Mimicks solemn church music] They're just pancakes. You don't have to worship em! [Sings as church choir] "Pa-an-ca-akes. Pa-a-a-an-ca-akes. Pa-a-an-cakes."


I feel bad for the donut ladies--because people can't make up their mind in these places. You'd think that donut ladies would just snap and start shooting people. "Out. Everybody out. Go on." I don't know what it is about donuts--but people freak out when they go in there. "Okay. Okay." Looking around. "Alright--I need a dozen donuts. Uhh--you have a lot of donuts. Okay. I'm gonna start with four chocolate, I want two twistygers, I want a lemon twitter, I want a Raspberry puff, I want a honey-curl, and uh, two chocolate--no, one! One! Put em back! put em back! I want a Bavarian apple crunch. Get the ladder!" Hey hey hey! Why don't you go outside and think it over, huh? It's a big decision. You can't blow donut day. But the donut ladies have learned how to get back at you. They do the subtraction for you in front of the other customers, to make you look like an idiot. You go in there--"Yeah I'd like a dozen donuts. I'll start with seven chocolate..." "You have five left." "Okay, if I were to order one more, then how many would I have left? How many would I have then, donut lady? That's want I need to know--and now!"


People will adjust what they just said based on other people's reactions to it. I've always been amazed by that. They'll just change what they just said. No matter how much you would think they would stick to what they just said. "I think it's wrong to kill people with a machine gun." "Oh, I kill people with a machine gun." "Well, sometimes it's OK. But what I'm saying is I don't think you should kill like a lot of people with a machine gun." "Oh, I've killed scores of people." "I'm talking about the people who are always killing people. Day and night. Killing people with a machine gun. I don't think you should do that." "Oh, no. I don't do that." "Yeah--that's what I'm saying."


If anyone out there is having a baby and you're trying to think of baby names, if any name you come up with rhymes with anything, it ain't no good. It's no good--because the other kids are going to find the rhymes, when he's growing up, and torment him. There was a kid in my neighborhood, growing up--I couldn't believe it. His name was Bidiot. What were his parents thinking? And his brother Jimbecile. But we were so stupid, we couldn't find the rhymes. "Bidiot, Bidiot, he is a stupid-face! Jimbecile's a moron stupid-head. Stupid." My parents were embarassed. "Sound it out. Bidiot. What does that sound like?"


You’d show up [at school the day the science project was due. And] you’re scared because you don’t have anything good--and you find out all the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated that. They’re backing them in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano. He didn’t know how to zip up his own pants--but he built a volcano. “How’d you swing that?” I didn’t know what to do for my project. So I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot, and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something. “What do you have there, Brian?” “It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home.” “Well, explain it.” “Well, it’s a cup. With dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’ You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there.” So she went to this one kid; there’s a kid in my class who made the same solar system like 19 years in a row. A bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with coat hangars. “Hey, you’re breaking some new ground there, Copernicus.” He’s going, “The big yellow one’s the sun! The yellow one is the sun!” “OK. Alright. What are these other planets?” “The big yellow one is the sun!” “Alright! Calm down!”


I never knew what was going on out in right field. I just knew I would get a free snow cone at the end of the game. I'd be out there, "Aawww, free snow cone." "Brian, what's the score?" "Free snow cone! Free snow cone at the end of the game. If you play, they're gonna give you a free snow cone. Even if you play half game, you get a, you don't get a half snow cone, you get a whole snow cone for half the game. People that play whole game get a whole snow cone, and the people that play half game get a whole snow cone. So it's always whole, whole snow cone. So, I'd rather play half game. I'd rather play half. Still get the whole snow cone." "How many outs Brian?" "Grape! I'm gonna get grape. Or cherry. They're both favorites--so either one is good. But if they have both, I'll get grape. Because grape is a little more favorite. But if they don't have grape, it's like alright, it's fine--'cause cherry's favorite anyway. It's like another favorite--but not as much. Not as much favorite. But they're both good. They're both good." ... The only compliment I ever got in little league baseball was, "Good eye, Brian!" ... "Oh, thank you! What did I do?!" "You moved your head out of the way of the fast ball!" "Oh, good, good. I'm glad I did that. I almost didn't, but then I did. Go team! Go, team, go!"


I bought the beginner's yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour. Nothing. Just fast-forwarding. "Uh, can't do that. Can't do that. Can't do that. I know I can't do that." This woman in like a soothing voice, "Simply take the bottom of your right foot, and place it on the small of your back. Now take your left leg, throw it over the back of your neck like a scarf, and breathe." "I can't breathe!" They had a thing called the relaxation pose, which I couldn't even do. What kind of shape am I in? I can't even relax. I couldn't do it. "It's time for the relaxation pose. Kneel down on the floor, with your toes pointed back, behind you. Sit down on your heels. And relax." I can hear my feet bones cracking! "Relax." If she really wanted me to relax she would say, "Go get your favorite pillow. Curl up on the couch. Throw this tape away. And relax. Relax."


I joined a health club. That's intimidating. Always having some big, giant guy showing you around. "Hey, thinking of joining here? Follow him." I felt like a little monkey. "Where we going, Thunder?" They gave me a clipboard for my first day. Can you feel like more of a loser with a clipboard? "I'm new! I'm supposed to check things as I see them!" And I think the guy was making up muscle names just to play games with me. "This machine right here is for your flactoid." "That's the toid I'm working on." Then he leaves, I don't remember anything he said. All I know is, I don't think I ever felt so alone in my life. I'm in a health club with a clipboard and nobody's talking to me. I had black socks on. All I knew is, I didn't want to follow these big guys who were able to move the entire rack of plates. I don't want to go next and only be moving only two plates. "I'm the two-plate guy! Who wants to spot me?" So I get away from these guys, and I go over to this other area, where there's nobody around. I got into this one thing. But I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go. So I just get in there and just start moving stuff. This guy comes up, "Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painter's scaffolding?" "Just checking the exits."


I've been watching these strong man shows. You seen these things? It's got these big Nordic looking guys. Their neck starts at like the top of their ears. There's no vowels in their name. Their name is like Kttksvrdgrdgn. How do you call him for dinner? "Kttksvrdgrrrrrrrrrr! Get your brother, Gttsbrgnglvn. Gttsbrgnglvn! We're having goulash!" I'm not making fun of them, you know, in case one of them's here. It's a competition that I think is weird. They're not lifting weights. It's like, "Alright, Kalkervick, we filled these grand pianos with molten lead. See how many you can hurl in that third-story window in thirty seconds." ... "Why don't we rig up a pulley system?


I'm wearing new contact lenses. I just had my prescription changed after six years. You ever wait that long? And then you're like, "Man! I can see!" How can "instantly improved vision" not be at the top of your To-Do List? "Eh--I'll see tomorrow. I got a sock drawer I gotta sort out." So I go in for the eye test. And I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no "D" on that thing. End up with these big, thick, coke-bottle glasses. "I didn't take it serious. Are you still in here?" So I go in for the big eye exam... What's going on with that test? I drive my eye doctor nuts with it--because I can't commit! I can feel him losing his patience. He's like, "Do you like number one, or number two?" "Oh, I don't know." "Okay, let's do it again. Okay, number one, and number two." [Exhales heavily] "I... I think we're gonna be here a while." I'm surprised he doesn't cover one with black tape. "Is the other one clearer now? Get outta here." There's too much pressure in the eye test. They do one test all the time. I don't know what they're looking for. All I know is, I get an anxiety attack in the middle of the damn thing. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." I'm like, "Uhhhh- NOW! No! NOW! NOW! THEN!" I don't know. I don't know when it happened. I'm worried if I'm off by an eighth of a second, I'll get like these big, giant hubble "coming attraction" glasses. "Woah, you must have messed up that A-B test." ...

My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up. He goes, "You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye?" "No, I didn't know that." He goes, "It's no big deal. It doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life."


You have to have information ready about your boxes before you even call them [UPS]. I had no idea. I called 'em up, "Yeah, I have 10 boxes. Can you come pick 'em up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "OK, goodbye!" ... I figured I would call back and just make up some numbers. Let 'em come out and pick 'em up. If it's wrong, I'll pay the difference. Just dispatch the truck. Please! So I called back, "Yeah, um, I have 10 boxes and ..... N... No, I'm another guy. Yeah, and they all weigh exactly 22 lbs, and they all have a girth of ... 3." "3 what?" "3 ... girth units. Come pick 'em up, please! I'm begging you! They're boxes and they're brown and they have tape all on 'em. And they'll probably fit on a dolly!"


Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway. I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there, and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble.


I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey--uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're-- (Pow!)-- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)-- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one--we lost Billy?"


Seattle-Tacoma Airport? I'm not sure why they had to combine the names. Doesn't Seattle just suffice? Tacoma [said,] "Hey--we want an airport!" "Well you can use our airport." "Well why don't we have our name on that airport?" "Alright. We'll put your name on the airport. And make it akward for every person that wants to fly there. So now they have to go through the clunky, 'I flew in the Seattle-Tacoma airport.'"


After a half hour, the captain finally gets on. "Uh, folks--let me tell you what's going on up here." ... Has that ever followed with anything even remotely good? ... It's always, "Uh, somebody put our engine in upside-down. And, uh, there's only one tool in our galaxy that can fix this. And, uh, it's in Madagascar. The tower has instructed us to go to a holding area, and remain there until everyone on board dies a natural death."


How come the first class people, they can just get on when ever they want? I've always hated that. "First class people board at your leisure, take your time first class people. (kissing sounds) Coach class people. No, wait. Sit, scuz. Wait, little piggies." So when you do get on, the first class people, they're already sitting there. They're all sprawled out in their big thrones. "Bring me the head of a pig. And a goblet of something cool and refreshing. Anyone have a fiddle? Make someone from coach fiddle for me. Amuse me." ... You're not even allowed to use their bathrooms. "The bathrooms up front are for our first class passengers. The coach class bathrooms are located at Newark Airport." ... So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as you're boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, "Hey, we're making money right now! Right now we're making money. Go get in the back. Close that curtain, I don't wanna see em. Even in my peripheral. Uhh. Snap it, snap it shut!" ... Then you go in the back, and everybody has coloring books. "Hey--come here! Where was you? Where was you at? You gotta sit in the middle. There's nine of us right here--and you're in the middle. We got all the arm rests. So you gotta sit like this. (scrunches up) You gotta eat your snack while your elbows touch. There's plenty of time to learn. It's a six hour flight."


I admire flight attendants. I really do. They put up with a lot of garbage from people. Have you ever been sitting in your seat, and you see somebody trying to fit something in the overhead rack that you know ain't going in there in a million years? They have like a mattress and a lamp. You're looking at them like, "What kind of perception problem does this guy have?" And the flight attendants are always nice. They always run up and act like it might maybe fit. "Oh, gosh, I don't know if that's going to get up there. We can check it for you, you moron." I know that's what they want to say. I would last nine seconds at that job. I would just run up, "Hey does that look like it's gonna fit? What the heck is the matter with you? You've got this much room, and you've got a dead yak. Hey, hey, you don't see all these people standing behind you? Oh, oh--this is your world. Oh, it's all about YOU! I'm sorry. You let us know when you're all set, Captain You Planet."

And the other people who I also feel bad for are the gate agents, because nobody listens to those people. It's like they aren't even talking. They try so hard to get that whole boarding thing to go smoothly. They're on the microphone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until you row has been called. Please stay seated until your row has been called." That's what they say--but somehow, by the time it comes out of the speaker, it sounds like, "Everybody up and rush the door! Everybody up and try to squeeze your big fat butts in the small gate door area! Immediately! Hurry. Push and shove, everybody. Push and shove! Do whatever you have to do to get on board. This is the last helicopter out of Vietnam!" ... They need to deal with that differently. ... "Ladies and Gentlemen, we're about to begin boarding. If we could ask for your cooperation, please stay seated until your row has been called. {gunshot) Oh, you might notice that we had to take this one person out. Everybody come and check his boarding pass clutched in his dying hands. Notice his row had not yet been called."


So I was driving today, and I came upon a truck pulling a horse trailer with a sign on the back: Caution: Transporting show horses. "Uh oh. 10 and 2! We're sharing the road with show horses. If I start to lose control, I'll hit one of these cars with people. Or at least a trailer with just plain old horses. But those horses, they gotta put on a show!"


These places [greeting card stores] are way too subdivided now. They don't have just a simple birthday section. They have, like, "Happy birthday for age four from the both of us." What the hell? "I'm lookin' for a religious, humorous, happy birthday for age seven twins from the AFC West." ... They have another whole section called "Encouragement." I like to send those to people who are not about to do anything. Just keep sending 'em follow-ups and confusing 'em. "You can do it!" "I can do what? I keep getting these!" "I know it's in you." "What? What is in me? What can I do?"


I put my daughter on my lap with this big cardboard book. "The clock. The big clock." Hey. "Tick Tock. The End." Twelve bucks. And there's a synopsis on the back that is longer than the actual book. ... "Sit down with your children, and you will delight as you read about the adventures of the ticking clock. Sometimes it goes, 'tick,' and sometimes it goes, 'tock,' which just goes to show you, you never can be too sure in life, 'cause sometimes things are one way, but they are about to change." Are you talking about this book? You can't possibly be talking about this book. I must have missed the subtext.


They're all over the place with dogs. "The dog says, 'Bark.'" "The dog says, 'Ruff.'" "The dog says, 'Woof.'" "The dog says, 'Bow-wow.'" That's the one that intrigues me. Who the hell ever heard a dog, and could have possibly interpreted it that way? [Bark Bark] "Did you just hear a bow-wow? I distinctly heard a bow-wow." [Bark Bark] "There it is again. Bow-wow. You're not hearing that? You're not hearing a bow-wow?" [Bark] "Bow."[Bark] Wow. You're not hearing any of that?"


Why would a dog bark at three o'clock in the morning in your neighborhood? ... I'm talkin' about when there's one dog doing a monolouge... What are they doing? I think they just go on the porch at that hour, and just go, "Hey, it's nice and quiet. Why don't I bark it up for no reason whatsoever?" (Barking noise) And right when you think he's done, (More barking noises) "What the hell's the matter with you?" "I'm a dog. Barking." How do you argue with him?

Wouldn't it be weird if people were like that for no reason? Like if some guy went on his porch at three o'clock in the morning. Nobody knows him, new to the neighborhood. "HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY." "Hey, you alright, man?" "HEY, HEY, HEY."


They're always asking him [Daredeveil Evil Knievel] about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard them ask is, “What were you thinking right before you hit the ground, Evil? What were ya thinking?” “I remember thinking, ‘Hey, did I turn off the iron?’ Then my leg cracked in half, then I was thinking, ‘Hey, maybe I should get a puppy.’ What do you think I was thinking?!? I was thinking, ‘AAAAAHHHHHHHH!! AAAAAAAHAHHHHHHH!!’ Something like that, if I remember right. Let me go back. Yeah. Yeah. ‘AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!’ I believe those were my thoughts. I hope I’ve crystallized them for you.”


I had some stomach virus thing. I almost called an ambulance. It’s weird if you’re considering calling an ambulance for yourself. You know? You call ambulances for other people. What are you supposed to say for yourself? "Can you come get me? Yeah, I don’t feel so good. Just come on in, I’ll be lying on the floor." ... I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That’s a nice relaxing drive. "[Calmly whistles a song] Noooo, after you. Merge--everybody merge. I’m only imploding." So I pull up at the entrance to the Emergency Room. No valet parking. I mean, if that’s not the biggest oversight in our solar system. If there’s ever a time when you want to go, “Can you park this--because I need to collapse immediately?” But no. I’m circling around the parking lot trying to find a spot. “Can I park there, I think I’m gonna die?” “I’m dying too.” “OK, go ahead. I’ll go up a couple levels.” Unbelievable. I don’t care if you’re driving yourself or someone else to the Emergency Room, you still want to get out and run in with them. Are you supposed to drop somebody off and go park the car? “OK, you go in! Tell them you’re SHOT! Ask them if they validate!”

Unbelievable. So I finally park. I go in to check in. They ask the most insulting question when you check into a hospital. “What seems to be the problem?” “What seems...? Well it seems--it seems like everything in all my inside wants to be on my outside. But I’m no doctor.” What kind of condescending question...

So they check me in to my luxurious half room. There’s a curtain down the middle with a mystery patient on the other side. And he’s moaning over there. *Moans* I’m thinking, “Man, they’re never going to help me with him moaning like that.” So I gotta out-moan him, you know? *moans louder* *answers with a louder moan* *moans even louder* *screams out a moan* “Quit moaning! We’re all hurting!” The whole floor is like a haunted choir. *moans again* It’s gotta be hell to work in this environment.

So I’m killing time writhing. The nurse finally comes in. “How are you doing tonight?” “I’m on a gurney. Do you have a painkiller or something? This is killing me.” So she goes, “How would you describe your pain?” “It’s killing me. I don’t know if you remember that part. Ouch.” ... So she asks, “How would you rate your pain?” “Four stars. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!” She goes, “How would you rate it on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst?” Well, you know saying a low number isn’t going to help you. “Oh, I’m a two. Maybe the high ones. If you could get me a baby aspirin and cut it in half, maybe a Flinstone vitamin and I’ll be out of your hair. You can go tend to all the threes and fours and such, if anyone’s saying such ridiculous numbers.” I couldn’t bring myself ten though, because I had heard that the worst pain a human can endure is getting the femur bone cracked in half. I don’t know if that’s true, but, I thought, if it is, they have exclusive rights to ten. Now I’m thinking, “What was I worried about? Is there like a femur ward in the hospital. They would have heard about me and hobbled into my room.” “Who the hell had the audacity to say he was at a level ten?!? You know nothing about ten. Give me a sledgehammer, and let me show you what ten is all about, Mr. Tummy-ache!” ... So I said, “I guess I’m an eight.” She goes, “OK, I’ll be back.” I’m like, “aw, I blew it. I ain’t getting nothing with eight.” But she surprised me, she comes in, she told me, “The doctor told me to give you morphine immediately.” ... So they gave me morphine. Wow. All I know is about fifteen minutes later, just for the hell of it, I was like, “I’m an eight again! Guess who’s an eight?” When they finally check me out, I’m walking down the hall, I’m going “Say eight! Say eight! Say eight! Say eight! Happy eight day! Did you get some eight? Did you get any eight?”


[We took our kids to a butterfly pavillion, and] this worker goes, "I'll be happy to answer all your butterfly questions today." "Okay. All of them?" Where do you begin when you get that kind of green light? So this guy's following us around, and it's falling on me to brainstorm up butterfly questions. I'm just, like, "Um... this... what I wanna... does this one like to eat? ... He does? Okay. Care to expound on that at all? ... No? Okay."

I was thinking, could there be a less stressful job than working in a butterfly pavilion? I mean, what could possibly go awry? "So how was work, dear?" "Don't even get me started. I've had it up to here with those butterflies. I had this yellow one landing lightly on flowers. And this purple one fluttering around and around. Like I don't know what he's up to! I can't take the politics!"


I was sitting with my wife watching TV, and it was at night. We thought he was sleeping. And all of a sudden, I heard through the monitor, "Daddy, I have a joke for your career." Wow. I got, like, goosebumps, man. ... I ran upstairs. This is true. And I sit on the bed. I'm like, "Man. Wow. You got a joke for my act buddy?" And he goes, "Yeah. I just thought of it." And I was, like, "Whoa." I wanted to cry--I was, like, so touched, you know? I was like, "Really? Wow. What's the joke, buddy?" And he goes, "How come dinosaurs don't talk?" "I don't know. How come dinosaurs don't talk?" "Because they're all dead." That's my boy's joke, man.


The Kennedys are great speakers, right? John Kennedy said, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." And then Robert Kennedy was credited with, "Some people look at things the way they are and ask, 'Why?' I look at things that never were and ask, 'Why not?'" It's powerful. But it must have been weird growing up with them, you know, speaking in flip-flops around the dinner table. "Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone." "Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?'" And then Ted's like, "There any more rolls?"


Politicians are smart, man. They certainly know how to not answer questions. ... "Well, let me answer that by asking you this." You can't answer that by answering that? You can't do that? I wish I had that stunt ready in school... "Brian, how did World War I affect the economy of Central Europe?" "Well, let me answer that by asking you this. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I think I've made my point."


This is an actual negative campaign ad--I'm not making this up--about the other candidate. "He voted to allow seven-year-olds to be tasered." That's an actual ad. And they interviewed the guy who had voted for that. He was like, "I meant worst-case scenario. If the kid gets a weapon, we don't wanna hurt him. In the worst case you can taser him and get the weapon away." As if that was that man's platform. "I want to taser seven-year-olds." He's talking with his staff--"When I'm elected, can we have some seven-year-olds on the stage with me? I think I'll swear in, and then I'll taser a seven-year-old. Think that'd be a nice way to start the term. 'I solemnly'--and then I'll taser another one. How many can we bus in for this?"


I like watching C-SPAN. C-SPAN is daring. Because the other news stations won't go a second without somebody talking. C-SPAN will show when a press conference is over. And they'll show some guy wrapping TV cable around his elbow for 15 minutes. And I can't turn the channel. "I wonder how much more cable he's got. How come nobody's helping him?" But then they show really cool stuff. They show Congress deliberating. They way they do it just intrigues me. "I would like to respectuflly submit to the distinguished Senator from the fine state of South Caroline, that although I applaud your many years of service in this legislative body, on this particular issue, I must respectuflly disagree." I'm like, "Is he mad at him?" Wouldn't it be great if couples argued like that? "I would like to respectfully submit to my beautiful wife, that although I've enjoyed our many years of matrimonal happiness, if you're not ready within the next five minutes, the car will be leaving without you."


How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue [on the TV news]? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today."


When they're showing you footage [on the news], how do you know that had anything to do with what happened that day? Maybe it's just laying around. "See that over my shoulder? That happened, uh, let's say today." When they had the problem in Beijing, at first they didn't have any film. I was thinking, maybe they're in the newssroom, one guy goes "We don't have any footage." And another guy goes, "Eh--just get anything with Chinese people running." You're watching, "Well, here's what happene din China. (Chinese people yelling)" And then you see monster feet crushing buildings.


I love the commercials for the local news. You'll hear things like, "A news anchor you can trust." What the hell is there not to trust? What, is he gonna lie to you? "There's a big fire downtown. Maybe." "I don't know if I trust this guy." ... Another one you'll hear-- "A news team that cares." They don't care on the other channel? Like, you click over there-- "A major highway is closed down tonight. But, uh, hey--I don't drive home that way."


You know Mike Wallace, the 60 Minutes guy, he started out years ago, as a game show host. I can only imagine how fun that was. He probably would grill the contestants, you know, "Contestant number one, tell us about yourself." "My name is Steve Wilson, I'm from Buffalo, and I like bowling." "Oh really? Well, we have documents that suggest that you've never been bowling!" "[in a scared voice] Well, I would like to go bowling." "But you've never been?" "No, no I haven't." ... [Andy Rooney's voice:] "How come there are ten pins? Why not nine or twelve?"


My favorite part [of game shows] is the beginning when the contestants come out and tell you a little bit about themselves. It's like their only real moment. And sometimes they have something interesting to say, and the host never asks a follow-up question. It just kills me. "Number one, tell us about yourself." "My name is Eugene. I'm a scientist. I'm very close to isolating a gene. If I'm successful, I'll be able to cure very disease known to man." "Alright. Ready to spin the wheel? You don't want to hit a 'zonko,' or you're gonna hear this (sound effect). Number two, how about you? "My name is Suzi, I'm part of a secret, clandestine, manned space mission to the planet Venus." "Okay--you don't want to hear this noise: (sound effect). Contestant number three??" "My name's Toby, and I gots a dog." "Oh really? What kind of dog do you have?"


You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is "film editor." This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product. His life must be hell--watching fishing footage all day, going, "No. ... No. ... No. ... No. ... Oh--right there! He put the worm on the hook. That's good. That's good. We need that. We need that. (to coworker) Hey, uh--you know that 2 hour period where neither of them move? Yeah--we're gonna have to tighten that up a litle bit. Make a little jump cut." And one of the credits was writer. There's a writer for the--what the hell's he writing? Dialogue like, "Ooh--she's a beauty. ... Hey--I think I'm gonna have to throw her back in." So I guess these fisherman got to learn their lines. You know--they catch a fish. "Oh--I got a line. She's a beauty fish! She's a fish in, it's, uh, beauty fish..."


I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up... not using. ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research.


If a movie makes it really big, they do the obvious thing, right? They make an amusement park ride out of it. ... The connection is obvious. You get off, "Man, that was just like the movie! Only the movie had a storyline and characters, and that was a little more like a roller coaster."


I've been watching Nova. Have you seen that show? They had a thing a couple of weeks ago about string theory. I started watching that at 8:00 p.m., and at 8:03, my brain exploded. They said string theory is the stuff that the physicists are now figuring out, that Albert Einstein was not able to nail down in his theories. So I'm thinking, "Well, if Albert Einstein didn't understand it, me on a couch with a bag of potato chips don't have a shot." "Oh, I see what they're talking about. Yeah, you gotta incorporate gravity. I always wondered why he didn't do that."


I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me. I was like, "Mom--did you read this?" I couldn't believe it. So surprised, I coughed fruit loops all over my bib. ... I'm joking. My mom read that for me. "Sound it out. Sound it out." "More-ee and more-ee. Adoolts."


I took a speed reading course. And not to brag, but my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute. But my comprehension plummeted. You take the good with the bad, man.


I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter. Damn! Could you please change the terminology? Could anything conjure up anything more hideous? "So, what are you in for?" "MAAANNNSSLLAAUUGHTTEERRR! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth! So, eh, what are you in for?" "LOITERING! I'm like you, man! I live on the edge! They were all like, 'you gotta move along!' and I'm like, 'I don't think so!'"


We also had to get the phone turned on. It's different than I thought. I didn't know how it works, so I asked him, "How does that work? Do we have to wait in our home for a few days for the phone people to come out?" "No--we do it differently now. We can just flip the switch from right here." "Oh, great ... Can you go ahead and flip it?" "We're gonna flip it next Thursday." "Can you flip it right now?" "We're gonna flip it Thursday, late, or Friday, or sometime in November." "Can you see it from where you're at? Can I come down and flip it?"


I had to call from my friend's house to confirm a flight. She gave me a flight confirmation code, and like I'm an idiot she gives it to me like this, "Ok, Mr. Regan, your confirmation code, jot this down, it's B as in boy." "Ok." "P as in Paul." "Slow down!" "K as in kite." "Oh, I know kite. I know. I know all about kite." "And Q as in Quagmire." "Huh? Gimme another word! I wanna fly so badly!" I called back to confirm the flight. She wanted to know the confirmation code. I don't know about you but I feel like an idiot trying to quickly. come up with words for letters. So I'm panicking on the phone, "Uh, the uh, confirmation code, it's uh, uh, B as in uh. Oh man. Uh. Baked beans? Uh, P as in...Pnemonia! K as in Kaddafi. And Q as in... Qaddafi."


I have this friend who got divorced. I went golfing with him recently. It's the first time I'd seem him since the divorce. So when I got home, my wife's like, "How's Gary?" "I don't know." "I thought you went golfing with Gary today." "I did." "And you don't know how he's doing?" "It never came up." "Is he dating anyone?" "I don't know." "Were you two in the same golf cart?" "Yeah." "You're kidding me! You were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't know if he's dating anyone?" "I know he's got a new driver." "How is that possible that wouldn't come up?" "How is that possible it WOULD come up? 'The hundred and fifty marker's there, probably about a hundred and thirty-five. ARE YOU DATING ANYONE?'"


Jules Renard Quotes

(1864-1910) writer


The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.


Caroline Rhea Quotes

comedian, actress


I constantly walk into a room and I don’t remember why. But for some reason, I think there’s going to be a clue in the fridge.


Jacob Riis Quotes

(1849-1914) photographer and reporter


When nothing seems to help, I go look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it, but all that had gone before.


Chris Rock Quotes


There's nothing more racist than an old black man. You know why? 'Cause an old black man went through some real racism. He didn't go through that I-can't-get-a-cab shit. He was the cab. A white man would just jump on his back. "Main Street. ... Left, nigger! Left, nigger! Left, you fucking nigger!" You know what's wild about the old black man, though? An old black man--he ain't going to let you fuck up his money. Whenever an old black man sees an old white man [at work], the old black man always kisses the old white man's ass. "How you doing, sir? Pleased to meet you. Whatever I can get you, you let me know." As soon as the white man get out of sight, he's like: "Cracker-ass cracker! I'll put my foot in the crack of your ass, cracker-ass cracker! I wish that cracker would've said some shit to me, saltine-assed, motherfucking cracker! (spits) motherf (spits) motherf... cracker, kiss my ass, you fucking cracker!" The white man come back. [And the old black man says to him:] "Howdy, sir?"


I got an uncle real crazy. My uncle B. 55 years old, hates the white people, married to a white lady. And he sits around going, "You know, these crackers ain't shit. Except for Susie." He tried to explain the whole thing to me. One day he said, "Yeah, yeah. I got a white wife. I love her, she love me. That's all that matters. But I'll tell you this: if the revolution ever come, I'll kill her first! Just to show these crackers I mean business! Motherfucker, cracker-ass, motherfucker cracker! Shit, cracker motherfucker! [To wife:] Hey, hey--hi, honey. [To Chris:] Motherfucker cracker. I'll kill my cracker kids, too!"


Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"


There's nothing a white person could ever say to me that will ever catch me off guard, ever. I'm always looking for some racism. ... I could be sitting down with Regis Philbin, doing an interview, talking about Madagascar 2, say, "Yeah Regis, Madagascar 2 is real good, man. I play a zebra again. Oh, this shit great." And right in the middle of the interview, Regis would pull a pencil out of his pocket, stab me in the neck, say, "Take that, you fucking nigger. Take that, you dirty, greasy nigger. Take that, you fucking nigger." And I'll be like, "I should've seen it coming." I'll be mad at me. I'll apologize. "Hey, man, I left my neck all out, man. I'm sorry, man."


Who's more racist: black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people, too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people. And there's two sides. There's black people, and there's niggas. The niggas have got to go. You can't have shit when you around niggas. You can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning, paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day, and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me! You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit! You can't go see a movie. You know why? 'Cause niggas is shooting at the screen. "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!" You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker! ... I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan! ... I see some black people looking at me: “Man, why you got to say that? It ain't us, it's the media. The media has distorted our image to make us look bad.” Please, cut the shit, okay? When I go to the money machine at night, I ain't looking over my back for the media. I'm looking for niggas!


Social Security tax. You don't get the money until you're 65. Meanwhile, the average black man dies at 54. Shit, we should get Social Security at 29! What the fuck, man? We don't live that long. Hypertension, high blood pressure, NYPD--something will get you.


I had a cop pull me over the other day. Scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out the car, get out the fucking car! You stole this car!" I'm like, "Damn, maybe I did. Oh, Lord, I done stole a car."


I went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade this year. They didn't have enough Indians for that shit. They had a bunch of Pilgrims. When it came time for the Indians, they had three real Indians, and the rest was a bunch of Puerto Ricans with feathers in their hair. What the fuck! Shit, I know Puerto Ricans when I see them. You can't slip a Puerto Rican by me. That's not Pocahontas--that's Jennifer Lopez!


I'm watching the news, and like, "Tupac Shakur was assassinated." "Biggie Smalls, assassinated. Struck down by assassin's bullets." I'm like, "No they wasn't!" Martin Luther King was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot. Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie--but school will be open on their birthday. I don't think you'll see their pictures hanging up in your grandmamma's living room. "That's Abraham, Martin, and Pac. And right here, I got one of Jesus and Biggie on the seesaw. Jesus always in the air."


We live in a society where nobody likes who the fuck they are. Everybody's on Prozac, or some shit. Everybody's getting cosmetic surgery. Nobody likes who the fuck they are. Except fat, black women. A fat, black woman don't give a fuck what you think. She's going out on Friday night. She got an outfit on. That shit match. She got the pumps on, and the pump fat coming out the pump. That's right. lt looks like they baking bread in her shoe. "Baby, your foot ready yet? l'll just sprinkle some cinnamon on it."


Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.


I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? It's like, "Hey, if I could pay you less, I would--but it's against the law."


Gays in the military. Everybody says, "Don't let them in." If they wanna fight, let them fight--'cause I ain't fighting. I wouldn't give a fuck if I saw a Russian tank rolling down Flatbush Avenue. I ain't shooting nobody. So call me a faggot. When the war is over, I'll be the faggot with two legs, thank you.


That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."


Same diseases been hanging out since I was a kid, man. What's the last shit a doctor cured? Polio. You know how long ago polio was? That's like the first season of Lucy. Shit, Fred had an Afro with finger waves! ... They ain't gonna cure [AIDS]... Hopefully, in our lifetime, you're gonna see somebody go: "Yo, man, you weren't at work yesterday. What's up?" "My AlDS is acting up. You know, when the weather get like this, my AlDS just pop up. But I took some Robitussin. I'm fine now!"


You know what else happens after you take an AlDS test? You start calling up people to see if they're alive. "Hello, can I speak to Lisa?" "This is Lisa." [click] [Next call:] "Hello, can I speak to Tammy?" "Tammy dead." "What happened?" "She got hit by a bus." "Thank the Lord! Yes! Go Greyhound! Yeah, she got hit by a bus! Livin' la vida loca!"


Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just spicin' up the activities. "Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please!"


Women act like life was just a big sale, or shit. "I want to get the most shit before things close down."


Whatever you into, your woman gotta be into, too, and vice versa... or the shit ain't gonna work. lt ain't gonna work. That's right. lf you born-again, your woman gotta be born-again, too. lf you a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead, too. Or the shit won't work. You can't be like, "I'm going to church. Where you going?" "Hit the pipe!" That relationship ain't going nowhere. Two crackheads can stay together forever.


All a woman really wants you to do is ask her the correct questions that will allow her to run her fucking mouth! You set her up, she'll knock them down. Fellas, you want your woman to be happy? All you got to say is, "How was your day? Honey, how was your day" Know why? 'Cause "How was your day?" is a 45 minute conversation to a woman. And as a man, you don't really gotta talk. You gotta just act like you're talking. "Get out of here. Go on! I don't believe it. ... You don't say! Really? Get out of here! ... Go on. I don't believe it. You don't say? Get out of here. ... I told you that bitch crazy!" You gotta throw in, "I told you that bitch crazy." You know why? 'Cause every woman's got another woman at her job that she can't stand. Women, y'all exaggerate everything. You turn it into some Dynasty shit, like: "She's trying to destroy me!" What the fuck are you talking about? You wrap up bags at J.C. Penney's! What's she doing, ripping up your paper?


Ladies, it ain't that you talk too much. You just talk too much as soon as we get in the fucking door. Let a man get situated. We don't need to hear everything right away. Soon as you take one step in, "You're not gonna believe this..." Let me get my other foot in the fucking door!


Women need to hear compliments all the time. Women need food, water, and compliments. That's right. And an occasional pair of shoes.


Who the biggest liars? Women the biggest liars. Look at you, all of you. You're a fucking liar. You! You're a liar! You're all liars. All of you are fucking liars! Masters of the lie. The visual lie. Look at you. You got on heels, you ain't that tall. You got on makeup, your face don't look like that. You got a weave, your hair ain't that long. You got a Wonderbra on, your titties ain't that big. Everything about you is a lie. And you expect me to tell the truth? Fuck you!


Relationships: easy to get into, hard to maintain. ... 'Cause at some point, you have heard everything this person has to say, and it makes you sick to your stomach. You know what they're gonna say before it even comes out their mouth. And you just wanna stab them in the neck with a pencil! You can't take the shit no more! And they're like, "Remember that time..." "Yeah--I remember that time!" "I ever tell you about..." "Yeah--you told me about that time! Stop telling me the same shit over and over again! Why don't you go out and get kidnapped, have some new shit happen to you?"


Why is it so hard to be a man? 'Cause nobody cares about men. Nobody gives a fuck about men. If you see a homeless man on the street with a dog, you feel sorry for the dog. ... Every night on TV, I see there's a new missing woman. "We got to find Carol. Where's Carol? We must find Carol. Carol didn't come home last night. Where the fuck is Carol?" I've never seen one of these things for a missing man yet. It's like, "Bob didn't come last night." "Good. I hope he never comes home. Probably out fucking Carol."


Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Everybody takes Daddy for granted. ... "Tell your mama how good the food is. Tell her how nice the house looks. Tell your mama how nice her hair looks. Did you tell your mama? You better go in there and tell your mama. That's right! Tell your mama." Nobody ever tells Daddy shit. ... What does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken. ... And some women don't want to give up the big piece of chicken. Who the fuck is you to keep the big piece of chicken? How dare you keep the big piece of chicken! A man can't work hours and come home to a wing. When I was a kid, my mama would lose her mind if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident. "What the fuck! You ate the big piece of chicken? Oh, Lord! No, no. Now I got to take some chicken and sew it up and shit. Get me two wings and a pork chop. Daddy'll never know the difference."


Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. You think you don't give a fuck? Bush don't give a fuck. Nobody gives less of a fuck than George Bush. If you was hanging from a cliff getting ready to fall to your death, and he was at the top of the cliff, and all you needed was a fuck to save your life, and Bush had a pocket full of fucks, he wouldn't give you one. "Hey Bush--I need a fuck." "Oh, you know I don't give a fuck."


I was at the club the other night, down at Life, chilling at the club. I'm chilling with this girl. She was dancing. lt was about 3 a.m. I'm talking to her, and realized she had two kids at home. ... [And] I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing in a club at 3 in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night? What the fuck are you doing here? Is it your birthday? Did you get a raise? Well, you got to get the fuck out. You go. I'm kicking you the fuck out. Yes, bye! Go take care of them kids before they rob me in 10 years."


It's real easy to tell whose kids are gonna be fucked up. It don't take no scientist to tell who's gonna have some fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmamma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam," he's going to jail. You ain't saving no college money. You saving bail money.


If you got enough uncles, they'll prepare you for life... 'cause you got every type of uncle. You got your gay uncle, you got your alcoholic uncle, you got your stealing uncle, you got your molester uncle. Everybody's got that one molester uncle. Your mama's like, "Where them kids at?" "They're with Johnny." "Get them kids! Hurry up! Get them kids! Don't leave them with your Uncle Johnny!" Later on, you get molested, your mama get mad at you. "That's what you get. Hanging around fucking Johnny. I told you about that shit! Now walk it off!"


It's hard to defend [rap lyrics like] "I've got hos in different area codes". It's hard to defend "Move bitch, get out the way!" "Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, 'Move, bitch, get out the way.' You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!"


All the stuff going on in the news, it's just a trick to get your mind off the war. That's all it is. A trick to get your mind off the war. Okay? ... Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house, Bush killed Lacy Peterson, Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video! All to get your mind off the war.


Did you see Michael [Jackson] going to court? Motherfucker going to court 20 minutes late! What kind of black man gonna go to court 20 minutes late? This ain't Barbershop 2. This is court, motherfucker. And he ain't even wearing a real suit to court. Coming in there looking like Captain Crunch. Shit, who's your lawyer, Franken Berry?


What the fuck? Another kid? [Referring to Michael Jackson's second child molestation charge] Another... That's like another dead white woman showing up at O.J.'s house, and O.J. going "I know what you're thinking..." Michael Jackson going to jail. Oh, it's going to be a sad sight when Michael Jackson's going to jail. Oh, we going to shed a tear when Michael Jackson going to jail. We're not going to be sad the day he goes in. We're gonna be sad a month later. When that perm grows out of his hair. The shit's all nappy and gray. His face is all fucked up because it don't got the Crayola people to fix his face nowhere.


What is up with Jermaine [Jackson]? Is it just me or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen? Just greasy motherfucker. Llooking like he sprayed Armoral on his face! Just glistening--like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter! When Jermaine is on the TV, I got to wipe the screen! "I can't see shit! Jermaine must've been on!" Even the police can't catch his ass. He just slips out! They're like "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga please!"


John D. Rockefeller Quotes

(1839-1937) industrialist, philanthropist


The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee…and I will pay more for that ability than for any other under the sun.


Carl Rogers Quotes

(1902-1987) psychologist known for promoting a client/patient focused approach


The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change.


Roma / Rom / Gypsy Proverbs


The journey is just as important as the destination.


We are all wanders of this earth; our hearts are full of wonder and our souls are full of dreams.


Romanian Proverbs


Without other people’s companionship, even paradise would be an unlikable place.


Chooses a wife to please yourself, not others.


The eyes have one language everywhere.


Better late than never.


After the war, many heroes present themselves.


The blessing of having many children has never broken a man’s roof.


Frank Romer Quotes


People will sit up and take notice of you if you will sit up and take notice of what makes them sit up and take notice.


Ben Rosenfeld Quotes

comedian


Last night I didn't realize I said "abortion" [in my stand up comedy act] instead of "circumcision." No wonder I got blank stares at "rabbi got faint at sight of blood."


David Ross Quotes


What matters to most of those collectors is winning. When art becomes a competitive sport, all it takes to win is the guts and the money to go further than anyone else, and then, voila, you win. And winning feels really good. ... We're living in a world of funny money. And money is not really a measure of anything anymore because... it's thrown around in such unpredictable ways.


Jeffrey Ross Quotes

comedian


[At the Roast of Flavor Flav:] In these sensitive times, I'm not gonna do racial humor. Besides, the fact that Flav is black is like the fifth thing that's wrong with him.


These airlines are falling apart! They lost my luggage. They fucked my Aunt. "Sir, the flight's completely overbooked. We're gonna have to fuck your Aunt. You can pick her up at baggage claim in 20 minutes. And she's five pounds overweight. We have to charge extra " Bye, Aunt Donna!


What did our teachers tell us? What did our parents tell us? They said, "It doesn't matter what you look like. It doesn't matter what you believe in. Every single one of you can grow up and become president " Then we open our history books and discover it's been 43 white guys in a row. It's as if when I was a kid, my parents told me I could grow up and host Soul Train.


Every family has a Cousin Stu. He's 47 years old, he lives with his parents. And they live with their parents. [My Cousin Stu asked me how our 104 year old great Aunt died.] ... How'd she die? She was 104! She was trampled at a Wu-Tang concert. She was the oldest dirty bastard in the room. ... You know how she really died, for real? She turned 104, the whole family got together, we took a vote, and we shot her. How long can we wait for three grand and a [bleep] coin collection? I got bills, party people. I cleaned out her attic. ... She had, like, and old vibrator with a hand crank.


Conrad Roth Quotes

comedian


Women like a guy with a sense of humor and they also like a guy with diamonds, just not comedians or refugee miners.


Jean Jacques Rousseau Quotes

(1712-1778) Influential philosopher and political theorist


True happiness is indescribable, it is only to be felt


Thus in every situation, powerful rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble.


Russian Proverbs


A hammer breaks glass, but also forms steel.


It is easier to bear a child once a year than to shave everyday.


Russian Proverbs


Babe Ruth Quotes

(1895-1948) baseball player


What do I think about when I strike out? I think about hitting home runs.


Babe Ruth Biography and Quotes


Rwandan Proverbs


In the birds’ court, a cockroach never wins his case. [People have a strong tendency to favor others from their own group.]


Samoan Proverbs


In every generation there are some outstanding chiefs.


Samurai Proverbs


Control your emotion or it will control you.


A.J. Sanderson Quotes

Doctor


In the maintenance of health and the cure of disease cheerfulness is a most important factor. Its power to do good like a medicine is not an artificial stimulation of the tissues, to be followed by reaction and greater waste, as is the case with many drugs; but the effect of cheerfulness is an actual life-giving influence through a normal channel, the results of which reach every part of the system.


The greatest barrier in the way of the healing process, especially if the malady be one that is accompanied by severe pain, is the mental depression that is associated with it and often becomes a factor of the disease. It stands in the way of recovery sometimes more than do the physical causes, and obliterates from the consciousness of the individual the wonderful healing power of nature, so essential to recovery.


Jay Sankey


The difference between wit that gets belly laughs and wit that gets bored silence is not only a matter of the style the material is both written and delivered in, but also a matter of the degree to which the audience cares about the subject.


Sanskrit Proverbs


You can’t cook one half of a chicken and expect the other half to lay eggs. [When people are choosing between A and B, they sometimes falsely think they can get the advantages of both options.]


Steve Schneider Quotes

comedian


There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong.


I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just play them really badly.


Does not showering to save 10 minutes count as a life hack?


I at least have the decency to hate on & talk shit about people I have met & personally know are assholes.


Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.


These Korean shopkeepers seem pretty angry at me for not being Korean.


I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.


My parents lied to me. They DIDN'T tell me I was a worthless piece of shit.


Arthur Schopenhauer Quotes

(1788-1860) philosopher


It is a clear gain to sacrifice pleasure in order to avoid pain.


The deep grief we feel at the loss of a friend arises from the feeling that in every individual there is something which no words can express, something which is peculiarly his own and therefore irreparable.


[If a man] demands that others, who are altogether different from himself, shall nevertheless be just what he wants them to be for the moment, according to the degree of education which he has reached, or according to his intellectual powers or his mood—the man, I say, who does this, is in contradiction with himself. For while he wants some one who shall be different from himself, and wants him just because he is different, for the sake of society and fresh influence, he nevertheless demands that this other individual shall precisely resemble the imaginary creature who accords with his mood, and have no thoughts but those which he has himself. …

I observed once to Goethe, in complaining of the illusion and vanity of life, that when a friend is with us we do not think the same of him as when he is away. He replied: “Yes! because the absent friend is yourself, and he exists only in your head; whereas the friend who is present has an individuality of his own, and moves according to laws of his own, which cannot always be in accordance with those which you form for yourself.”


You will hardly ever see two people exactly in the same frame of mind; for that is something which varies with their condition of life, occupation, surroundings, health, the train of thought they are in at the moment, and so on. These differences give rise to discord between persons of the most harmonious disposition. To correct the balance properly, so as to remove the disturbance—to introduce, as it were, a uniform temperature—is a work demanding a very high degree of culture. …

When, for instance, a great many people are gathered together and presented with some objective interest which works upon all alike and influences them in a similar way, no matter what it be—a common danger or hope, some great news, a spectacle, a play, a piece of music, or anything of that kind—you will find them roused to a mutual expression of thought, and a display of sincere interest. …

And in default of some objective interest of the kind I have mentioned, recourse is usually had to something subjective. A bottle of wine is not an uncommon means of introducing a mutual feeling of fellowship; and even tea and coffee are used for a like end.


Most men are so thoroughly subjective that nothing really interests them but themselves. …They have no power left for forming an objective view of things… neither can they admit any validity in arguments which tell against their interest or their vanity. … They are so readily offended, insulted or annoyed, that in discussing any impersonal matter with them, no care is too great to avoid letting your remarks bear the slightest possible reference to the very worthy and sensitive individuals whom you have before you... [I]t is just as easy to flatter and win them over; and this is why their judgment is usually corrupt, and why their opinions are swayed, not by what is really true and right, but by the favor of the party or class to which they belong.


[I]t is astonishing how infallibly a man will be annoyed, and in some cases deeply pained, by any wrong done to his feeling of self-importance, whatever be the nature, degree, or circumstances of the injury...


You should never lose sight of the fact that ordinary politeness is only a grinning mask...


For what is our civilized world but a big masquerade? ... It is very necessary that a man should be apprised early in life that it is a masquerade in which he finds himself. For otherwise there are many things that he will fail to understand and put up with, nay, at which he will be completely puzzled…


For the practical man, the most needful thing is to acquire an accurate and profound knowledge of the ways of the world. ... The study is difficult enough in itself; but the difficulty is doubled by novels, which represent a state of things in life and the world, such as, in fact, does not exist.


That we are so often deceived in others is not because our judgment is at fault, but because in general, … [to paraphrase Francis Bacon,] 'trifles unconsciously bias us for or against a person from the very beginning.' It may also be explained by our not abiding by the qualities which we really discover; we go on to conclude the presence of others which we think inseparable from them, or the absence of those which we consider incompatible. For instance, when we perceive generosity, we infer justice; from piety, we infer honesty; from lying, deception; from deception, stealing, etc.; a procedure which opens the door to many false views, partly because human nature is so strange, partly because our standpoint is so one-sided. It is true, indeed, that character always forms a consistent and connected whole; but the roots of all its qualities lie too deep to allow of our concluding from particular data in a given case whether certain qualities can or cannot exist together.


There are many persons who are trained to be strictly honorable in regard to one particular matter... Many a man, for instance, will not steal your money; but he will lay hands on everything of yours that he can enjoy without having to pay for it. A man of business will often deceive you without the slightest scruple, but he will absolutely refuse to commit a theft.


And again, as regards space, small objects close to us look big, and if they are very close, we may be able to see nothing else, but when we go a little way off, they become minute and invisible. It is the same again as regards time. The little incidents and accidents of every day fill us with emotion, anxiety, annoyance, passion, as long as they are close to us, when they appear so big, so important, so serious; but as soon as they are borne down the restless stream of time, they lose what significance they had; we think no more of them and soon forget them altogether. They were big only because they were near.


If you hold small objects close to your eyes, you limit your field of vision and shut out the world. And, in the same way, the people or the things that stand nearest, even though they are of the very smallest consequence, are apt to claim an amount of attention much beyond their due, occupying us disagreeably, and leaving no room for serious thoughts and affairs of importance. We ought to work against this tendency.


…A man should never let himself be mastered by the impressions of the moment, or indeed by outward appearances at all, which are incomparably more powerful in their effects than the mere play of thought or a train of ideas; not because these momentary impressions are rich in virtue of the data they supply,—it is often just the contrary,—but because they are something palpable to the senses and direct in their working; they forcibly invade our mind, disturbing our repose and shattering our resolutions.

It is easy to understand that the thing that lies before our very eyes will produce the whole of its effect at once, but that time and leisure are necessary for the working of thought and the appreciation of argument, as it is impossible to think of everything at one and the same moment.


Any incident, however trivial, that rouses disagreeable emotion, leaves an after-effect in our mind, which for the time it lasts, prevents our taking a clear objective view of the things about us, and tinges all our thoughts: just as a small object held close to the eye limits and distorts our field of vision.


The course of our individual life and the events in it, as far as their true meaning and connection is concerned, may be compared to a piece of rough mosaic. So long as you stand close in front of it, you cannot get a right view of the objects presented, nor perceive their significance or beauty. Both come in sight only when you stand a little way off. And in the same way you often understand the true connection of important events in your life, not while they are going on, nor soon after they are past, but only a considerable time afterwards.


And then the years pass more quickly as we become older… * A thousand things become clear, which were formerly enveloped in obscurity, and results are obtained which give a feeling of difficulties overcome.


In all matters affecting our weal or woe, we should be careful not to let our imagination run away with us, and build no castles in the air.


Those present moments that are bearable, be they never so trite and common,—passed by in indifference, or, it may be, impatiently pushed away,—those are the moments we should honor; never failing to remember that the ebbing tide is even how hurrying them into the past, where memory will store them transfigured and shining with an imperishable light,—in some after-time, and above all, when our days are evil, to raise the veil and present them as the object of our fondest regret.


We are not always able to form new ideas about; our surroundings, or to command original thoughts: they come if they will, and when they will. And so, too, we cannot always succeed in completely considering some personal matter at the precise time at which we have determined beforehand to consider it, and just when we set ourselves to do so. For the peculiar train of thought that is favorable to it may suddenly become active without any special call being made upon it, and we may then follow it up with keen interest. In this way reflection, too, chooses its own time.


Men of learning are those who have done their reading in the pages of a book. Thinkers and men of genius are those who have gone straight to the book of Nature…


A man sees a great many things when he looks at the world for himself, and he sees them from many sides; but this method of learning is not nearly so short or so quick as the method that employs abstract ideas and makes hasty generalizations about everything.


A woman (with certain exceptions which need not be mentioned) will not take the first step with a man; for in spite of all the beauty she may have, she risks a refusal. A man may be ill in mind or body, or busy, or gloomy, and so not care for advances; and a refusal would be a blow to her vanity. But as soon as he takes the first step, and helps her over this danger, he stands on a footing of equality with her, and will generally find her quite tractable.


Money is never spent to so much advantage as when you have been cheated out of it; for at one stroke you have purchased prudence.


Men are like children, in that, if you spoil them, they become naughty. Therefore it is well not to be too indulgent or charitable with anyone.


In this world, where the game is played with loaded dice, a man must have a temper of iron, with armor proof to the blows of fate, and weapons to make his way against men.

Life is one long battle; we have to fight at every step; and Voltaire very rightly says that if we succeed [in this world], it is at the point of the sword, and that we die with the weapon in our hand.

It is a cowardly soul that shrinks or grows faint and despondent as soon as the storm begins to gather, or even when the first cloud appears on the horizon. Our motto should be No Surrender; and far from yielding to the ills of life, let us take fresh courage from misfortune: “Do not give way to evil, but face it more boldly.” (Virgil, Aeneid, vi. 95.) …

Still, it is possible for courage to be carried to an excess and to degenerate into rashness. It may even be said that some amount of fear is necessary, if we are to exist at all in the world, and cowardice is only the exaggerated form of it.


Charles M. Schwab Quotes

(1862-1939) steel executive


The real test of business greatness is giving opportunity to others. Many business men fail in this because they are thinking only of personal glory.


That’s the way character is formed—doing callisthenic feats with obstacles and adversities. I tell you the hard knocks are the nest eggs of our fortunes. The men that are not made of the right stuff go under with them and are never heard of again.

And there are the others who are soured and embittered by them, and they’re heard from eternally. They haven’t a good word to say for the world’s plan, because when it got a trifle complicated it baffled them.

Those are the men who do more harm to the youth of civilization than its vices. Then there are those who start out, sometimes with bare feet and holes in their trousers, bravely resolving never to let circumstances crush them, never to harbor bitterness over defeat, but to save their energies for the next encounter.

These are the men hard knocks don’t hurt. They toughen them; they help them get ready for the next encounter. To these men, it’s only a question of sufficient hardship, and sacrifice, and battle, to make them proof against any onslaught. These are the soldiers, the victors.

Did you ever find a successful soldier who hadn’t seen a fight?


The best place to succeed is where you are with what you have.


Walter Scott Quotes


[After someone said that people's literary talents and accomplishments should be esteemed and honored most:] God help us! what a poor world this would be if that were the true doctrine! I have read books enough, and observed and conversed with enough of eminent and splendidly-cultured minds, too, in my time; but I assure you, I have heard higher sentiments from the lips of poor UNEDUCATED men and women, when exerting the spirit of severe yet gentle heroism under difficulties and afflictions, or speaking their simple thoughts as to circumstances in the lot of friends and neighbours, than I ever yet met with out of the Bible. We shall never learn to feel and respect our real calling and destiny, unless we have taught ourselves to consider everything as moonshine, compared with the education of the heart.


Scottish / Scotch Proverbs


Rather spoil your joke than lose your friend.


Jerry Seinfeld Quotes


I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again.


So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out your chest first.


Why do people that work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they go, "Alright--five o'clock. Time to hit the bar and pick up some hookers. Hold on a second. I have a wife and three kids! I completely forgot!"


The subway change-booth guy. I feel for this person. He's in a shark cage down there. It's this little safety chamber just floating in the subway. They give him like twenty-eight bucks in change, they seal him up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.


What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, "Obviously, I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesman says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'"


Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."


Did you ever catch yourself reading ingredients in the drugstore? "Oh, this has .03 tetrahydroziline! It's a good amount of that." ... Then they tell you about the pain relieving ingredient. There's always gotta be a lotta that. ... "Extra-strength" is the absolute minimum. You can even get "strength." "Strength" is out now. It's all "extra-strength." Some people are not satisfied with "extra." They want "maximum." "Give me the 'maximum-strength.' Give me the maximum allowable human dose. Figure out what will kill me--and then back it off a little bit."


There definitely seems to be an age gap in the hiring policy at most movie theaters. ... They never hire anyone between the ages of 15 and 80. So the girl that sells the tickets, she’s 10. Then there’s the guy that rips it, he’s 102. So what happened in the middle there? They couldn’t find anybody? It’s like they want to show you how life comes full circle. When you’re 15, you’re selling the tickets, then you leave. You go out, you have a family, kids, marriage, career, grandchildren. Eighty years later you’re back in the same theater, three feet away, ripping tickets. ... Eighty years to move three feet.


I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it. And then you’d get the paper back from the teacher, and she’s just written one word across the entire page, “vague.” I thought “vague” was kind of a vague thing to say. I’d write underneath it, “unclear,” send it back. She’d return it to me, “ambiguous.” I’d send it back to her, “cloudy.” We’re still corresponding to this day. "Hazy." "Muddy." ...


Do you ever sneak down to better seats at the game, and get caught by the usher? When you’re a kid, it doesn’t matter because you’re always getting chased from everyplace anyway. But when you’re an adult, it’s really embarrassing to get caught. You have to pretend like there’s some confusion. So you put on this whole act, you’re looking at the tickets, “I don’t understand how this could’ve happened. Let me see ... Oh I see the problem. These are very good seats, I have very bad seats. That’s the misunderstanding.”


When you’re moving, your whole world is boxes. That’s all you think about. “Boxes, where are there boxes?” You just wander down the street going in and out of stores, “Are there boxes here? Have you seen any boxes?” It’s all you think about. You can’t even talk to people, you can’t concentrate. “Will you shut up? I’m looking for boxes!”

After a while, you become like a bloodhound on the scent. You walk into a store, “There’s boxes here. Don’t tell me you don’t have boxes, dammit, I can smell ‘em!” ... You could be at a funeral, everyone’s mourning, crying around you, you’re looking at the casket. “That’s a nice box. Does anybody know where that guy got that box? When he’s done with it, you think I could get that? It’s got some nice handles on it. My stereo would fit right in there.”


Then the stewardesses have to come out. ... They show you how to use the seatbelt, in case you haven't been in a car since 1965. "Oh, you lift up on the buckle! Oh! I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that's how it works. I was gonna try and tear the fabric part of the belt."


Then they [the flight attendants] always have to close that first class curtain, too. They always give you that little look. "Maybe if you would have worked a little harder... I wouldn't have to do this."


Why is it doctors need that little office for, anyway? Little books, little stupid aquarium. I guess he doesn't want people to see him looking stuff up: "What the hell was that? Jesus Christ! That was kinda gross."


There is no more male idea in the history of the universe than: "Why don't we fly up to the Moon and drive around?" That is the essence of male thinking right there. All men kinda think of themselves like low-level super-heroes in their own world. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. But when men are growing up and are reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman... these aren't fantasies. These are options. This is the deep inner secret truth of the male mind. I'll give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Did you ever see a guy, out on the highway, moving a mattress tied to the roof of the car? Without fail, he's got the arm out of the window holding the mattress. This is classic male idiot super-hero thinking. This moron believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 mph... "I got it! I got it! Don't worry about it. I'm using my arm!"


I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.


Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.


When you have a TV set in the back of your car and you gotta leave the car in the street for a few minutes-- ... you put a sweater over the TV. "It's a couple of sweaters. That's all. One of them is square with an antenna coming out of it." So feeble the things we come up with to foil the crooks!


Seneca Quotes

playwright, philosopher, and statesmen


I will govern my life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one and read the other; for what is the significance of keeping something a secret to my neighbor, when all our privacies are open to God (the searcher of our hearts)?


It was the wisdom of ancient times to consider what is most useful as most illustrious.


Serbian & Montenegrin Proverbs


You're not being honest if you burn your tongue and don't tell everyone else the soup is hot.


Joaquin Setanti Quotes


Be wary of the man who urges an action in which he himself incurs no risk.


Lord Shaftesbury Quotes


For my own part… I have really so much need of some considerable Presence or Company to raise my Thoughts on any occasion, that when alone, I must endeavour by Strength of Fancy to supply this want; and in default of a Muse, must inquire out some Great Man of a more than ordinary Genius, whose imagin’d Presence may inspire me with more than what I feel at ordinary hours. (V1, p. 10) *


Thank heaven I can do good and find heaven in it. I know nothing else that is heavenly. And if this disposition fits me not for heaven, I desire never to be fitted for it, nor come into the place. I ask no reward from heaven for that which is reward itself. Let my being be continued or discontinued, as in the main is best. The author of it best knows, and I trust Him with it. (Rand, Life, Letters and Philosophical Regimen, 347.)


What friend art thou like to prove to others, if not so to thyself.


Garry Shandling Quotes


When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg, so when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.


Julius Sharpe Quotes


I'm never happier than when I forget I have a twitter account.


My daughter only knows eight words and already has twenty more friends than I do.


Turning each page of "US Magazine" feels like opening the flap of a baby's diaper to check if it's piss or shit.


Al Sharpton Quotes


I’m rough on them [the candidates on the show I Hate My Job] because life is rough. You should not assume that just because you have a dream, the whole world is going to fold to your dream.


Lenny Shelton Quotes


Haven't heard the Jay-Z/Kanye album yet but the suspense is killing me. Just tell me. Are they still rich?


Shinto Teachings


Makoto is the single virtue that binds the divine and man in one. (Jingishoju)


If you pray to a deity with makoto, you will surely feel the divine presence.


A single prayer of makoto moves Heaven. You will surely realize the divine presence through makoto prayer.


Even in one single leaf on a tree, or in one blade of grass, the awesome Deity presents itself.


Our eyes might see un-cleanliness, but let not our minds see un-cleanliness. Our ears might hear un-cleanliness, but let not our minds hear un-cleanliness.


Shu Ching Quotes


The Duke of Khin said, “Reproving others is easy, but to receive reproof and allow it free course is difficult.” 5:30


Sarah Silverman Quotes

comedian


Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. You know, I'm one of the few people that believes it was the blacks.

Once you hit , you've gotta decide fast. 'Cause it can be difficult to conceive. It can be dangerous. I mean, the best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I'm not a, like, a hoity-toity kind of girl. I, like, I don't wear any jewelry. I'm not like, um, I don't really, I'm not into jewelry or anything. I'm such a hypocrite. I, there's a jewel that I think is, there is one jewel that I think is stunning. That I, it's just like a classic and it's just, it's just gorgeous, you know? And it's really, um... It's rare. You know, it's only found like on the tip of the tailbone of Ethiopian babies. They--they de-bone the babies. I know that sounds so bad when you say it out loud. But, no, if you saw it--so worth it. So worth it. You know, it's like--how do I even describe it? Like, uh, like if, um, like if a diamond had that newborn-baby smell. I want it!

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time. You know, it's like...


Upton Sinclair Quotes


It's difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary is dependent upon him not understanding it.


Sinhala Proverbs


When the dogs bark at the moon, the moon is not brought down because of it.


Samuel Smiles Quotes

(1812-1904) writer and philosopher


When Dr. Abbot, afterwards Archbishop of Canterbury, drew the character of his deceased friend Thomas Sackville, he did not dwell upon his merits as a statesman, or his genius as a poet, but upon his virtues as a man in relation to the ordinary duties of life. “How many rare things were in him!” said he. “Who more loving unto his wife? Who more kind unto his children?—Who more fast unto his friend?—Who more moderate unto his enemy?—Who more true to his word?” Indeed, we can always better understand and appreciate a man’s real character by the manner in which he conducts himself towards those who are the most nearly related to him, and by his transaction of the seemingly commonplace details of daily duty, than by his public exhibition of himself as an author, an orator, or a statesman.


In fine, human character is molded by a thousand subtle influences; by example and precept; by life and literature; by friends and neighbors; by the world we live in as well as by the spirits of our forefathers, whose legacy of good words and deeds we inherit. But great, unquestionably, though these influences are acknowledged to be, it is nevertheless equally clear that men must necessarily be the active agents of their own well-being and well-doing; and that, however much the wise and the good may owe to others, they themselves must in the very nature of things be their own best helpers.


Newton’s was unquestionably a mind of the very highest order, and yet, when asked by what means he had worked out his extraordinary discoveries, he modestly answered, “By always thinking unto them.” At another time he thus expressed his method of study: “I keep the subject continually before me, and wait till the first dawnings open slowly by little and little into a full and clear light.”

It was in Newton’s case, as in every other, only by diligent application and perseverance that his great reputation was achieved. Even his recreation consisted in change of study, laying down one subject to take up another. To Dr. Bentley he said: “If I have done the public any service, it is due to nothing but industry and patient thought.”


A strong temper is not necessarily a bad temper. But the stronger the temper, the greater is the need of self-discipline and self-control.


Samuel Smiles Quotes


Emmitt Smith Quotes

(1969-) Record setting NFL running back


Winning is something that builds physically and mentally every day that you train and every night that you dream.


Socrates Quotes

philosopher (469-399 BC)


If you continue to take delight in idle argumentation, you may be qualified to combat with the sophists, but you will never know how to live with men.


Spanish Proverbs


Begin in other people’s way so as to end by having your own way.


What does not happen in a year may happen in a moment.


If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself.


If you don’t pay a servant his wages, then he will pay himself.


Men work but slowly, that have poor wages.


Buy from people who are desperate, and sell to newlyweds.


Every person is a fool in some person’s opinion.


Talking about bulls is not the same thing as being in the bullring.


A gentle breeze blowing in the right direction is better than a pair of strong oars. (Canary Islands)


Charles Spurgeon Quotes

(1834-1892) Christian preacher


With children we must mix gentleness with firmness. They must not always have their own way, but they must not always be thwarted.


Sylvester Stallone Quotes


If you’re gonna be a failure, at least be one at something you enjoy


Statilius Quotes


It becomes no wise man to expose himself to danger on account of the faults or follies of others.


Richard Steele Quotes

(1672-1729) Irish politician and writer


It is a Secret known but to few, yet of no small use in the Conduct of Life, that when you fall into a Man's Conversation, the first thing you should consider is, whether he has a greater Inclination to hear you, or that you should hear him. The latter is the more general Desire, and I know very able Flatterers that never speak a Word in Praise of the Persons from whom they obtain daily Favours, but still practise a skilful Attention to whatever is uttered by those with whom they converse. (Spectator 49)


Robert Louis Stevenson Quotes


There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.


Sufi Proverbs


When a pickpocket sees a saint, all he sees are his pockets.


Sun Tzu Quotes

The Art of War


Attack him where he is unprepared; appear where you are not expected.


How victory may be produced for them out of the enemy’s own tactics—that is what the multitude cannot comprehend. All men can see the tactics by which I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved.

Do not repeat tactics just because they have gained you one victory. Instead, let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances. Military tactics are like unto water; for water in its natural course runs away from high places and hastens downwards. So in war, the Way is to avoid what is strong and to strike at what is weak. Water shapes its course according to the nature of the ground over which it flows; the soldier works out his victory in relation to the foe that he is facing.

Therefore, just as water retains no constant shape, so in warfare there are no constant conditions. He who can modify his tactics in relation to his opponent and thereby succeed in winning, may be called a harmoniously powerful captain.

The five elements [water, fire, wood, metal, earth] are not always equally predominant; the four seasons make way for each other in turn. There are short days and long; the moon has its periods of waning and waxing.


The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.


If soldiers are punished before they have grown attached to you, they will not prove submissive; and, unless submissive, then will be practically useless. If, when the soldiers have become attached to you, punishments are not enforced, they will still be useless.

Therefore, soldiers must be treated in the first instance with humanity, but kept under control by means of iron discipline. This is a certain road to victory. (9:42-43)


When the general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct; when there are no fixed duties assigned to officers and men, and the ranks are formed in a slovenly haphazard manner, the result is utter disorganization. (10:18)


Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys. Look upon them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death.

If, however, you are lenient, but unable to make your authority felt; kind-hearted, but unable to enforce your commands; and incapable, moreover, of quelling disorder; then your soldiers must be likened to spoilt children—they are useless for any practical purpose. (10:25-26)


Carefully study the well-being of your men, and do not overtax them. Concentrate your energy and hoard your strength…


Cass R. Sunstein Quotes

(1954-) legal scholar, Administrator of the White House Office of Information and Regulatory Affairs


People are certainly not sheep. Many of us display a great deal of independence. But most human beings, including many apparent rebels, are strongly influenced by the views and actions of others.


Much of the time, groups of people end up thinking and doing things that group members would never think or do on their own.


When people find themselves in groups of like-minded types, they are especially likely to move to extremes. ... Like-minded people tend to move to a more extreme version of what they thought before they started to talk. ...A good way to create an extremist group, or a cult of any kind, is to separate members from the rest of society. This separation can occur physically or psychologically, by creating a sense of suspicion about nonmembers.


Extremists and hate-filled [web]sites tend to attract likeminded people who, if isolated, could come to their senses.


The existence of both domestic and foreign conspiracy theories, we suggest, is no trivial matter, posing real risks to the government's antiterrorism policies, whatever the latter may be. ...The best response consists in cognitive infiltration of extremist groups... Government agents (and their allies) might enter chat rooms, online social networks, or even real-space groups and attempt to undermine percolating conspiracy theories by raising doubts about their factual premises, causal logic or implications for political action.


[T]here's a little Homer Simpson in all of us. Sometimes we have self-control problems, sometimes we're impulsive... Once we know that people are human and have some Homer Simpson in them, then there's a lot that can be done to manipulate them.


Sutrakritanga Sutra Quotes


By purity of heart, one reaches Nirvana.


Putting aside all undertakings, he [a monk] should wander about for the welfare of his soul.


Just as a tortoise draws its limbs into its own shell, a wise man should withdraw his senses from evil by spiritual exertion.


Acquire perfect knowledge of the Law. Why do you not study it? It is difficult to attain instruction in it after this life. The days [that are gone by] will never return, nor is it easy a second time to obtain human birth.


He should know that the present time is the best opportunity to mend, and that awakening is difficult to obtain. A wise man should be aware of this.


But those who exert themselves at the proper time, feel no remorse afterwards.


Swedish Proverbs


Don’t throw away an old bucket until you know the new one holds water.


Those who want to sing will always find a song.


Shared joy is double joy.


Swiss Proverbs


Sometimes you must be silent in order to be heard


Syrian Proverbs


A small house is enough room for a thousand friends.


Publilius Syrus Quotes

(1st century BC) writer


It is cruelty to the innocent not to punish the guilty.


He who wishes to injure another will soon find a pretext.


It is as well now and then not to remember all we know.


Even speed when we are anxious seems like delay.


The happy man is not he who seems so to others, but he who seems so to himself.


There are some remedies worse than the disease.


No pleasure endures unseasoned by variety.


A plan is bad if it is not capable of being changed.


We are interested in others when they are interested in us.


Taiwanese Proverbs


It takes sweat to work, but only saliva to criticize.


A husband and wife often fight intensely at one moment, and then kiss intensely at the next moment.


A beautiful person might not have a beautiful life.


Some prefer liquor, others prefer tofu, and some even like rotten salmon.


Greed will cause pain.


Talmud Quotes


If your business does not prosper in one town, try another.


Live well. It is the greatest revenge.


Cold water, morning and evening, is better than all the cosmetics.


Ryoko Tamura Quotes

(1975-) judo champion


I don’t agree with the idea that you have to live in a bubble and sacrifice all your time to something if you want to succeed. I need to be interested in things outside my sport, and I need to meet new people. For me, judo is an expression of the harmony I achieve in my life.


Tanakh Quotes


[H]e did it with all his heart, and prospered. (II Chronicles 31:21)


Alfred Lord Tennyson Quotes


Men may rise on stepping-stones of their dead selves to higher things.


'Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all. (In Memoriam A.H.H., 27)


The folly of all follies is to be love sick for a shadow.


Terence Quotes

writer of comedies


It is possible for someone to be changed so much by love that he will hardly be recognized as being the same person.


St. Teresa of Avila Quotes

(1515-1582) nun, writer, and mystic


Remember that you have only one soul; that you have only one death to die; that you have only one life. … If you do this, there will be many things about which you care nothing.


From moment to moment one can bear much.


Mother Teresa Quotes

(1910-1997) humanitarian


The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted.


Thai Proverbs


The sweetness of food doesn’t last long, but the sweetness of good words does.


Tibetan Proverbs


Spreading the news is also multiplying it.


James Thomas

bill collection specialist for an automobile dealer and service and repair shop


[I visited six different customers, each of whom was disputing an item on his servicing bills, ] a bill that we knew was absolutely right. But, I didn't say a word about that. I explained I had called to find out what it was the company had done, or failed to do. I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer's story, I had no opinion to offer. I told him the company made no claims to being infallible. I told him I was interested only in his car, and that he knew more about his car than anyone else in the world, that he was the authority on the subject. I let him talk; and, I listened to him with all the interest and sympathy that he wanted and had expected.

Finally, when the customer was in a reasonable mood, I put the whole thing up to his sense of fair play. I appealed to the nobler motives. "First," I said, "I want you to know I also feel that this matter has been badly mishandled. You've been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives. That should never have happened. I’m sorry, and, as a representative of the company, I apologize. As I sat here and listened to your side of the story, I could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience. And, now, because you are fair-minded and patient, I am going to ask you to do something for me. It's something that you can do better than anyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here is your bill. I know it is safe for me to ask you to adjust it, just as you would if you were the president of my company. I am going to leave it all up to you. Whatever you say goes."

Did he adjust the bill? He certainly did, and got quite a kick out of it. The bills ranged from $150 to $400. But, did the customer give himself the best of it? Yes, one of them did! One refused to pay a penny of the disputed charge; but, the other five all gave the company the best of it! And here's the cream of the whole thing: We delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two years!


tkdfreak Quotes


A friend of mine was having a hard week. We had two tests that week, and between school and rent, he was really stressed. He really looks up to another friend of ours, who graduated last year. So I called the mutual friend and told him to call my first friend and cheer him up. He was so happy I heard about it three times that week, but he never found out that I arranged it. I hope it stays that way, so that he thinks he got the call out of the blue. ...It made me really happy knowing I helped him through a tough week.


Paul Tournier Quotes

(1898-1986) doctor who developed a psychiatric method he termed “medicine of the person”


Most illnesses do not, as is generally thought, come like a bolt out of the blue. The ground is prepared for years through faulty diet, intemperance, overwork, and moral conflicts, slowly eroding the subject’s vitality.


Donald Trump Quotes

(1946-) Real estate mogul


Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.


Tunisian Proverbs


The enemy of your belly: 40 years. [If you take away someone's food or livlihood, he'll hold it against you for 40 years.]


By telling the truth, your head will be cracked.


Pretend you are crazy, and you will survive.


In dealing with a powerful person, either be nice to him, avoid him, or allow him to speak without answering him.


If you see someone riding a bamboo-cane/log, tell him “What a lovely horse!” [Allow others to enjoy their own fantasies]


You hate me, but God will remember me.


Those who flee from taxes and rent flee from selling and buying.


He who builds a mill must also have a bell.


Better to wait patiently [for the real] than rush into a thing of illusion.


A thirsty person will accept polluted water.


A bad year will pass; a bad mind will not pass.


Though I am rich, I still enjoy receiving gifts.


Everyone lives—the person with one coat, the person with two, and even the person with none.


Turkish Proverbs


If the time does not suit you, suit yourself to the time.


One eats while another watches—that is how revolutions are begun.


Death is a black camel that lies down at every door. Sooner or later you must ride the camel.


Mark Twain Quotes

(1835-1910) writer


The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. (Notebook)


We can secure other people’s approval if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that. (Following the Equator - Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar)


When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. (Notebook, 1898)


He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it—namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain. (The Adventures of Tom Sawyer)


It must be that the increase [in lynching] comes of the inborn human instinct to imitate—that and man’s commonest weakness, his aversion to being unpleasantly conspicuous, pointed at, shunned, as being on the unpopular side. ...No revolt against a public infamy or oppression has ever been begun but by the one daring man in the 10,000, the rest timidly waiting, and slowly and reluctantly joining, under the influence of that man and his fellows from the other ten thousands. (“The United States of Lyncherdom”)


Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. (Notebook, 1902)


The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. (Speeches)


That impressive silence, that eloquent silence, that geometrically progressive silence which often achieves a desired effect where no combination of words howsoever felicitous could accomplish it. (Autobiography)


Mark Twain Biography and Quotes


twilightmoons Quotes


The owner of my company built a village in Nicaragua. He was there for a vacation, and was visiting a town. A few kids in the square saw a white European gringo, and asked him for some money. He took them and bought them food and gave them some money. The next day, he was out again, and a bigger group of kids were there waiting for him. He took them out to eat, and gave more money and candy. The third day, there was a crowd of kids--news travels fast. He figured that he couldn't keep doing this, and so he figured out what the town needed instead.

[Over the years, he's built:] affordable homes for the poor... [with]very low interest loans to pay for them, ... a school for poor kids... a soccer field and practice facility... [and] a free museum of pre-Columbian pottery and artifacts.

Each month, my wife and I pay for 5 kids to go to school there, kids who otherwise would not be able to afford it. It's not much, but I know that it's going to good use down there.


twistedcain Quotes


I have a long time friend who is always happy as a pig in shit. No matter what. He's my age, works for minimum wage, girlfriend left him, no kids, no prospects, no savings, lives with roommates and still struggles to get through the week. He seems to be enjoying life to the fullest.

I've been happily married for 15 years, live in a beautiful house, two great kids, easy job (working right now), and money isn't an issue for me. When I run into my friend, his only complaint is how much I complain about my life. He lives everyday to the fullest while I see everyday I don't have a major accomplishment as a wasted day that takes me one step closer to death. I have a hard time enjoying anything because I always feel like I should be doing something more productive with my time.

I've found a way to replicate how I imagine their brains must work. If I drink a lot of alcohol, I find that I no longer care about anything either and quit worrying. The effect is temporary and the regret I feel the next day for actually enjoying myself is brutal, but I find if I do this about once a week, preferably on a weekend, it's like going on a mini vacation from myself.


Mike Tyson Quotes

(1966-) heavyweight boxer


Everyone has a game plan until you get hit in the mouth.


Am I an animal? If necessary—it depends on what situation am I in…


Ugandan Proverbs


The hunter who is tracking an elephant does not stop to throw stones at birds.


The laughter of a child is the light of a house.


Ukrainian Proverbs


No matter how hard you try, you'll never get milk out of a bull.


Uttaradhyayana Sutra Quotes


Like an untrained steed who needs a lash, seek not guidance again and again. Like the trained who sees the whip [and avoids danger/pitfall], avoid sin. 1:12<


Even so are human pleasures compared with the pleasures of the gods; divine life and pleasures surpass [the former] a thousand times and more. 7:12


What water is at the kusa grass tip, compared to an ocean deep, so are the pleasures of human life, compared to the life divine. 7:23<


Victory over one’s self is greater than conquering thousands and thousands of enemies on the battlefield. A true conqueror is he who conquers his own self. Fight the fight within—why fight external foes? He who conquers himself through himself obtains supreme joy. It is difficult to conquer oneself—but when that is conquered, everything is conquered. 9:34-36


One must conquer one’s own self. It is difficult to conquer it. One who does so is fortunate/blissed in this world and will be so in the next. 1:15


Better is that I should subdue my Self by self-control and penance, than be subdued by others with fetters and corporal punishment. 1:16


There are four things of paramount value that are difficult to obtain here by a living being: human birth, instruction in the Law, belief/faith in it, and energy-in/the-endeavor-to-practice self-control. Having been born as a man, having heard the Religious Law, believing in it, and fulfilling it strenuously, an ascetic should restrain himself and shake of sinfulness / annihilate the karmas completely. 3:1, 3:11


The pious obtain purity, and the pure stand firmly in righteousness, reaching the highest nirvana/liberation like fire fed with ghee. 3:12


Though others sleep [i.e. are unvigilant], be awake [i.e. vigilant]! Like a wise man, trust nobody, but always be on the alert; for time is dangerous, and the body is weak. Be ever watchful, like the [two-headed] Bharunda bird. 4:6


Mother, father, daughter-in-law, brother, wife, and sons will not be able to help me when I suffer for my own deeds. 6:3 (Also Sutrakrtanga 1:9:5)


Everything that happens to somebody affects him personally; therefore, knowing the creatures’ love of their own self, do not deprive them of their life, but cease from endangering and combating them. 6:6


One should acquire valuable knowledge, and avoid what is worthless. 1:8


Here some are of opinion that they will be delivered from all misery merely by attending the teacher without abstaining from sins/*learning what right conduct is without living up to it. Acknowledging the truth about bondage and liberation, but only talking and not acting, they seek comfort for themselves in mighty words. Clever talking will not work salvation; how should philosophical instruction do it? Fools, though sinking lower and lower through their sins, believe themselves to be wise men. They are [going] a long way in the endless samsara; therefore looking out carefully, one should wander about carefully [conducting oneself to commit no sin]. 6:8-11


A wise man, having weighed and chosen the better one—the Law of compassion—will become calm through patience, with an undisturbed mind. 5:30


Choosing what is beyond and above [this world; i.e. liberation], one should never desire [worldly objects], but sustain one’s body only to be able to annihilate one’s karman. 6:12


Even if the whole world of wealth is given to a man, he will not be contented, for it is very difficult to satisfy the desires of a greedy man. 8:16


It indeed is very difficult to acquire human birth. One acquires it after a very long span of time for the karmas that bind the soul are very powerful. Therefore Oh Gautama, be not careless even for a while! 10:4


Place your self on the right path … be careful all the while. 10:31


'If he does not get it [victory] early, he will get it afterwards'--such reasoning assumes the eternity of human life. But such a person will despair when his life draws to its close, and the dissolution of his body approaches. 4:9


The days and nights that pass will never return. They bear no fruit for him who does not abide by dharma. The days and nights that pass will never return. They bear fruit only for him who abides by dharma.

14:24-25 M


He who can call death his friend, who can escape from its clutches, and who is sure to never die—he only can decide to postpone his duties to tomorrow. 14:27


I have cut off all my fetters, these are destroyed by right means. Now I am wholly free from these, being light, I move and happily live. 23:41


The mind is that fierce/bad, unruly and dreadful horse that runs hither and thither in all directions. I control it by the discipline of righteousness, so that it becomes a well-trained kanthaka-steed [horse of the Buddha]. 23:58


Just as a threaded [sasutra] needle is secure from being lost, in the same way a person given to self-study [sasutra] cannot be lost. 29:59 M


A great monk eats to sustain life, and not for the pleasure of it. 35:17


David Venhuizen


All I would prescribe if I were a psychologist is seven years of chopping wood in Alaska.


Vietnamese Proverbs


The buffalo that arrives late will have to drink muddy water and eat dry grass.


VitriolicMasquerade


While walking through South Station in Boston (waiting 3 hours for a connecting train to Worcester) I met a beggar by the name of 'Fast Eddy'. ...

I have this habit of connecting with the dregs of society, since I myself have been not only homeless, but a criminal in the past. So he started by coming up to me and saying 'I bet you that I can tell you three things if you'll give me a dollar (it was a 3 part riddle, something about the state you were born in (A state of infancy), where you got your shoes (You got your shoes on your feet and one other thing.). I told him after he told me his riddle that unfortunately I didn't have a dollar, but I had a debit card and 3 hours to burn before I had to catch my train to Worcester, so I invited Fast Eddy out to lunch with me. I walked over three blocks with him to a restaurant called 'Shabu Zen'. It's a delicious Chinese food restaurant that serves 'hot pot' style cuisine.

He ended up eating a LOT, 3 platters of beef and 3 bowls of Udon later, he started to loosen up a little bit.

Turns out that Fast Eddy has a masters degree in economics. He lost his wife in a car accident 3 years earlier and turned to drugs to kill the pain. What started out as weed and hard liquor turned into coke, meth, and speed. He was living in a homeless shelter and had nothing but the clothes on his back... he spent all his money panhandling on hookers booze, drugs and hotels to do the above.

We sat for a while, after we finished eating before we walked back to South Station, I asked him what he would do now, if he had the chance to turn things around. Eddy looked right at me and said that he couldn't turn things around, he couldn't get over his losses. I asked about his family. His mom lives in South Carolina from what he confessed, and his Dad passed away 6 months before his Wife. I asked him when the last time he talked to his mom was, he told me 3 and a half years ago.

I thought to myself about the amount of money that I had in my bank account. $650 was approximately what I had in my checking, savings was pretty low too. I asked him if he had any interest in going home, to see his mom and get out of the harsh New England winter. He told me time and time again that he couldn't go back to living with his mom, he was 34 years old and his pride couldn't take the hit...

I pointed out to him that he was strung out on meth, and I want to put him on a bus back home so he can get better. He teared up as soon as I said it and kept saying, "thank you" as he hugged me. ... Before I put him on the Bus I cashed out all buy $40 of my checking account and went to a few stores to get him some respectable clothing. He ended up looking a lot more human once he shaved, washed up, and got into some clean clothing.

I pulled out my cell phone and told him to call his mom, and to tell her that he's coming home. The phone call lasted a little over 20 minutes, which made me end up missing my train, I didn't really care at this point. I knew that even if this man went back to drugs... that for this brief moment, he was happy.

I put him on that bus Feb 23rd 2005, I got a letter with a picture 6 months ago [in 2012]. It was (Fast) Eddy, his mom, his fiance' and their newborn child in the picture. In with the letter was a note it read: "Once, you told me that if I ever needed help you were just a call or a letter away. Now I'm writing you to tell you that it was your help that has saved me from myself. God bless you..."

It went on into more personal details about his old meth habits, his new girlfriend, his relationship with his mom, his new job, and his new life. ...

I bought someone lunch, a bus ticket to go home, new clothing and let him call his mom. I don't see why we as people can't be more civil to those in need... sometimes there is infinite potential right behind a broken smile.


Voltaire Quotes

(1694-1778) writer and philosopher


Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.


I know of no great men except those who have rendered great service to the human race.


Voltaire Biography and Quotes


Dave Waite Quotes


I have a degree in geography. Which makes me a dumbass. Nobody told me the world's already mapped out.


Wang Ji Wu Quotes


My thoughts are pure; in spirit I seek to forget myself and transcend the common affairs of the world, keeping my life simple and my desires few. With a clear heart, I do not contend with others or make demands upon the world, but rather seek to contribute what I can for the benefit of all, aiding those in need and protecting those in danger.


I have traveled the long road of life, experiencing hardship, difficulty, and I know the sentiment of man is often as thin as paper. I have seen corruption and those whose only concern is realizing their own desires. Because of this, I have striven even harder to live a practical life, willing to sacrifice even more for the good of the people. After the founding of the Republic [of China], I spent my time working in the streets as a doctor, treating anyone who came to me for help with wholehearted enthusiasm. When one finds happiness in serving others, one will be full of the spirit of life, seeing things as they are with a calm heart. Thus, one may reach the state where the spirit is preserved within, the body is healthy and the spirit full, the intellect wise, decisions made adroitly and reactions made spontaneously. Consequently, the life energy will be strengthened and increased while promoting the health and longevity of the body.


Wang Ken Quotes

(1483-1541) Neo Confucian philosopher


Respecting the self and not respecting the Way is not respecting the self. Respecting the Way and not respecting the self is not respecting the Way. Respecting both the Way and the self is the highest good.


Wang Yang Ming Quotes

(1472-1529) Neo Confucian philosopher


This effort [of self-cultivation and obliterating selfishness] must be carried out continuously. Like eradicating robbers and thieves, one must resolve to wipe them out completely. In idle moments, one must search out and discover each and every selfish thought for sex, wealth, fame, and the rest. One must resolve to pluck out and cast away the root of sickness, so that it can never arise again. Only then may one begin to feel at ease. One must at all times be like a cat catching mice, with eyes intently watching and wars intently listening. As soon as a single [selfish] thought begins to stir, one must conquer it and cast it out. Act as if you were cutting a nail in two, or slicing through iron. Do not indulge or accommodate it in any way. Do not harbor it, and do not allow it to escape.


A deluded person recites [philosophical texts]; a wise person puts his [pure] mind into practice.


And there are also deluded individuals who empty their minds, sit in tranquility, and think of nothing [i.e. those who perform certain Buddhist practices]. They call themselves great. Due to their deviant views, one cannot even speak with this kind of people.


Booker T. Washington Quotes

(1856-1915) leader, reformer, educator


Any man’s life will be filled with constant and unexpected encouragement if he makes up his mind to do his level best each day.


Ewing T. Webb and John B. Morgan Quotes


Only by approaching people through their own point of view can we hope to control them.


Ordinarily it is not very difficult to find out what other people want and how they want it. All that is necessary, as a rule, is simply to keep our mind on the other fellow's problems instead of our own, to make a real business of studying his viewpoint.


Seldom is anything accomplished by forcing other people to admit that they are wrong.


H.G. Wells Quotes

(1866-1946) writer, historian, and sociologist


We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery.


Rob Whisman Quotes

comedian


i am so confused by the ending of donnie darko. what the FUCK is a "key grip"


woah did you know if u start metallica's master of puppets exactly 1 min 21 sec into paul blart mall cop, the girl i invited over will leave?


Ricky Dean Gervais is an English atheist [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] and comedian [16] best know for h


i'm arguing with a 13-year-old on twitter. i have relatives i haven't called in over a year


i always say "happy holidays" just in case you celebrate toyotathon instead of honda days


somewhere, dennis miller is dropping a dostoevsky reference mid-arbys order


Ron White Quotes

comedian


I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big, like a pack of gum with eight people in it, just (imitates sound of a tiny airplane). We took off from the Flagstaff Airport / Hair Care and Tire Center there. We were going half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, the pilot was screaming, "Go around! Go around!" On the way there, we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a 9-minute flight. Can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane. Which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Sure did." Everybody else was panicking, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't give s shit." You ever have one of those days? "Hit something hard--I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes, "Hey man! Hey, man! Hey, man! If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?" "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"


My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer.


I bought this big two-story custom van back when I was married. I forgot to tell you this, it was getting kinda cool, it had the James Bond couch in the back, when you push a button, the couch automatically turns into a bed, and I was like, "Well, that's cool. I finally got something over those Mercedes-Benz-driving in-laws of mine." You know what I mean? When I first bought the van, I was real proud of it. I took it straight over to my brother-in-law's house to show it off. 'Cause he's such a prick. He takes one look at my new van and he goes [in snobbish accent] "I can't believe you didn't buy a Mercedes-Benz." They don't make a van. "Ron, I don't think you fully understand the intricacies of Mercedes-Benz engineering. Why, I got the three-inch windshield wiper that keeps my headlight clean in a rainstorm." "I got a place to fuck your sister." I don't know why they didn't like me.


My first marriage ended in divorce because my wife thought that I had cheated on her. And I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you agree to not have sex with anyone else, ever—for-fuckin'-ever—but...when that person decides they're not going to have sex altogether, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I was doing a show in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't gotten laid in 3 months. 3 MONTHS! You can't go 3 months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. After the show, this gorgeous woman comes up to me, about mid-30's, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. And she says to me, "I thought you were funny, I would like to buy you a drink." I was like, "Naw, I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanted to fuck, big boy. I asked if you would like to come have a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that stands on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and moral fortitude? Well, I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months, either.


The cops showed up, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent — but I didn't have the ability.


the arresting officer, who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood comin' out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Ron... 'Tater Salad' White?" You caught me! You caught the Tater! You can take down those roadblocks now so i can get to Cody Plummers Premiere.


I went to Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that there wouldn't be a lot of snow in Fairbanks, Alaska in February was off by about seven and a half fucking FEET!


I got 2 Scottish Terriers, because if you drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just send you the dogs. ...Their names are Birdey and Bogey; and someone said to me, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they would be called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going?


I saw this commercial last week, and it was for a bladder control awareness group. I'm like, let me explain something to you. If you have a bladder control problem, you're probably aware of it. Or you're in some weird-ass denial I've never even heard of, you know? "Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity, or...or if I'm pissin' myself, Bob."


Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself. My brother's a doctor, and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table, and my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. My mom goes, "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!" Maybe I shoulda told my story first.


I saw a commercial the other day, and I really don't understand the organization, and I really don't understand who they think they're ever gonna help. And it was for a company called www.don'tshakeababy.com. Now, I'm not gonna get up here and take a big pro-baby-shaking stance, so you can go ahead and relax, Seattle. But I don't know who they're supposed to help. Because if you're such an inbred, meth-head shit-hook, that you would consider shaking a baby, the only thing that's gonna help you is a beheading. Now, I know there's people in the audience tonight going, "But Ron, Ron, Ron--but Ron! What if the baby's asking for it?" Don't shake a baby! "What if I can't find my car keys and I've looked everywhere?" Yeah--even then. I went on to www.don'tshakeababy.com, and they have links to similar websites. They have a link to www.don't-stick-your-dick-in-a-toaster.com, and they have a link to www.don't-shove-a-ferret-in-your-ass.com. And there's a lot of reasons why you don't want a ferret in your ass. Because they're not like gerbils. They've got fangs and claws and a lot of shit you don't need in your ass, man.


I was having a fight with the landscape guy, because half the plants died. ... We walk over. There's two trees, right? Not one leaf on either one of them. It's September. The forest is abloom. And I said, "Those two trees are dead right there." And he goes over to one of the trees, and he scratches the trunk of it with his thumb. And he comes back, and he says this, and I quote: "The core of this tree is still alive." I said, "Let me tell you what I'm looking for in a fucking tree. I'm looking for a tree that you can tell is alive, even if you don't know shit about trees. I don't wanna spend the next two years, every time somebody comes over to my house, going, 'Oh, no, those trees are fine right there. Go scratch the trunk with your thumbnail. You will find a vibrant core.'"


And the drug dog walks by a couple times. Guy goes, "Well, the dog gave us the signal that there are drugs on the plane." I'm like, "No, he didn't. That dog didn't do anything. I was staring straight at him. He didn't wink, blink, woof or paw. What's his signal--a blank stare? That's all he did." ... They found seven-eighths of a gram of marijuana. In my bag. Now, when I have seven-eighths of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be out of marijuana. That is no weed.


I went to the Sunglass Hut to buy a new pair of sunglasses after I lost my pair. And I see a pair that I like. I don't love them. I like them. $309. So I asked the salesman, very politely, I said, "How do you sleep at night, you fucking prick?" And I told him--this is true--that I bought a 25" color television at Walmart for $218. And he says, "Well, apparently, sir, you don't get it." "I'm listening." "These sunglasses block 100% of all UV rays." "No, apparently you don't get it. This thing decodes a digital signal it picks up from outer-fucking-space!" Then I found out the glasses got basic cable, and I felt like a dickhead.


Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos, flipping through the television, and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist out of Dallas. And he was staring at me. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" Man, this guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" YES, SIR! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second. Apparently, I'm not the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.


Oprah Winfrey Quotes

(1954-) businesswomen, TV talk show host


If you live in the past and allow the past to define who you are, then you never grow. (Woman’s Day, October 1, 1986; Lyn Torrnabene)


Oprah Winfrey Biography and Quotes


Henry Winkler Quotes

(1945-) actor, producer


Assumptions are the termites of relationships.


John Wooden Quotes

(1910-) college basketball coach


When you improve a little each day, eventually big things occur. When you improve conditioning a little each day, eventually you have a big improvement in conditioning. Not tomorrow, not the next day, but eventually a big gain is made. Don’t look for the big, quick improvement. Seek the small improvement. Seek the small improvement one day at a time. That’s the only way it happens—and when it happens, it lasts.


Steven Wright Quotes

comedian


I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house, and four people died.


I live in a house on a median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is that when I leave the driveway, I have to be going 60 miles per hour.


I thought I was a procrastinator until I met Winnie. He got a birth mark when he was 8 years old.


I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.


Yang Chu Quotes


One hundred years is at the heights of a long life. Less than one in a thousand people attain it. Let's take an example [typical] of someone who does. Most of it is taken up by infancy and old age, sleep and wasted time, pain and sickness, sorrow and grief, ruin and loss, and anxieties and fears. This perhaps leaves several years—and of this, I reckon that the time he is truly content and liberated barely amounts to much at all.

So what is human existence for, and where is its joy? Only comfort/beauty/wealth and luxury? Only music/color and beauty/sound/senses/women? Ah, but we cannot always be satisfied by comfort/beauty and luxury, nor incessantly enjoy beauty/color and music/sound.

Besides, we're moved here and there by rewards, punishments, fame, and laws--and we busy ourselves competing for one vain moment of praise, and scheming for the glory that will remembered after our deaths, to the point where even when we're alone, we consider and go along with what we think others want us to see, hear, think, feel, and do, and we discredit what our own selves feel and think. Vainly missing the realest enjoyments of life’s time, we can't give way for a moment. How different is this from being a chained in prison?

The ancients knew that all creatures enter life in a moment, and must depart in death at one moment. Therefore they followed their hearts and did not deny themselves these natural inclinations. During life, they weren't seeking fame, but were only following their own nature. They went smoothly on their path unvaried from their inclinations. They didn't seek for posthumous fame. They were out of the reach of external disapproval, and were not concerned with glory, fame, rank, or position during their lifespan.


Rev. Koreaki Yano Quotes


[When asked whether he believed Heaven to be a location or a state of consciousness:] Who but God knows about these things? The thing we know is that we are living now. We know there are things to be done and that we are here to build a better world. This is a big enough assignment. Life is given by God so that we may create a better life for all.


Toshio Yasaka Quotes

Author of The Principles of Perfect Liberty: A System for an Artistic Life


Whenever a man says he is great, he is thinking of the past, and this is not good. A man should continue to express himself. The true Self exists moment by moment, and the challenge of PL is ever leading us forward to a more artistic life.


Perfect Liberty is a movement based on a system of individual self-expressions through an artistic life. Its beginning is the discovery of Self. Its assignment is the effacement of ego. Its challenge is to live the Precepts and Principles. Its ultimate aim is the Great Peace, a time when man will have learned to live harmoniously with himself, his fellowman, and God.


[T]he universe is One-whole-integrity. The nature of this integrity is God [kami]. The function of this integrated whole is God-in-action [kamuwaza].


You cannot at this instance write on a blackboard that exists in time twenty minutes from now. You cannot sit at a desk that existed yesterday and then lost its existence. In the same way, Self can only relate to other existences conterminous with the present.


Self is the subjective function, and is not able to place itself in the position of object. Self is the most exalted existence in the universe. Even the work of Kami is under its recognition. Because Self recognizes Kami, Kami exists. Self is Kami manifested. The only identity of Self exists in the process of expression. One should, therefore, identify oneself in all expressions. Expressions are possible only with the function of the related existences. So, once again, Self independent of the surrounding existences has no meaning. The idea of exclusiveness merely disturbs the effect of Self-expression in such a way as to cause a person to be obsessed with “I” and place his identity in an exaggerated position.


Yen Hui / Yen Tzu / Yen Yuan Quotes

disciple of Confucius


Yen Yuan sighed and said:

I look up to it, and find it high. I penetrate it, and it becomes firm. I look at it before me, and suddenly it is behind. Confucius skillfully leads people step-by-step. He enlarges me with wen, and teaches me restraints by li. I cannot stop, nor would I ever want to. And after having exerted my ability and finding it standing right up here, though I wish to follow, how can a find a way to do so? 9:10


Yiddish Proverbs


Health comes before making a livelihood.


A person should stay alive, if only out of curiosity.


Every answer can result in a new question.


Being too nice can cost a lot.


If one soldier understood the thoughts of another, there would be no wars.


Cold strengthens you more than hunger.


A penny saved is a penny earned, but sometimes a penny is better spent than saved.


God created people because he loves stories.


When brains are needed, brawn won’t help.


Henny Youngman Quotes


I've got two wonderful children--and two out of five isn't too bad.


Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?


He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.


I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


The more I think of you, the less I think of you.


You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.


Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.


I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.


Yoritomo Tashi Quotes


in order to persuade someone it is necessary to merit his sympathy; now, one never gains the sympathy of those whose opinions he does not share.

Hence, in order to persuade successfully, one must banish suspicion and know how to listen.

One must not forget the profound egotism that characterizes all imaginary invalids; they are so full of themselves that their ills seem to them to acquire high importance. They can not admit then that the whole world is not interested in their aches and pains, and the importance they themselves attach to them is a subject of development for their malady.

For it is incontestable that all moral emotion has an immediate repercussion on the physical state.

To be able to persuade a patient that he is cured is, in most eases, to free him from his malady; it is always infinitely attenuated, since it is to spare him moral uneasiness, too fruitful mother of bodily ills.


Intensity of determination, when it reaches a certain point, possesses a dazzling influence which few ordinary mortals can resist, for it envelops them before they are aware of it and thus before they have dreamt of endeavoring to withdraw themselves from it.

Moreover, the man who retains the power of influencing rarely needs to exert himself, in order to exercise it effectually, for the need of protection from it is non-existent in most persons.

They are rare who are morally sufficient for themselves and who pass through life without feeling the need of resting their weakness on a supporting and directing force.

Still less numerous are those who accept with courage the consequences of their acts and do not seek to place the responsibility for these acts on an outside influence, which, however, they are ready to repudiate if they are successful.


Influence over others is acquired especial by perseverance of the will and concentration of thought, the undulations of which, project around us, come to reach the minds that we wish to impress.


With perseverance, you succeed in causing effectively to penetrate the minds of your hearers the thoughts the emission of which will attract similar thoughts, and their undulations returning to affect you will increase your conviction, giving you thus the more power to spread it around you.


Edward Young Quotes

(1683-1765) poet, dramatist, and literary critic


Who does the best his circumstance allows / Does well, acts nobly; angels could no more. (Night Thoughts)


I had looked for happiness in fast living, but it was not there. I tried to find it in money, but it was not there either. But when I placed myself in tune with what I believe to be the fundamental truths of life, when I began to develop my limited ability, to rid my mind of all kinds of tangled thoughts, and fill it with zeal and courage and love, when I gave myself a chance by treating myself decently and sensibly, I began to feel the stimulating, warm glow of happiness.


Yu Tzu Quotes

Confucian philosopher


The superior person deals with the root. Once the root is established, the Way unfolds. 1:2


Lin Yutang Quotes

(1895-1976) writer


If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.


This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought.


Zohar Quotes

Kabbalah text


If you wish to strengthen a lie, mix a little truth in with it.


Anonymous / Unknown Source


Money talks—mostly lies.


If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you're misinformed.


The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.


We too often love things and use people, when we should be using things and loving people.


A nation reveals itself not only by the people it produces, but also by the people it honors and remembers.


For one rich person that is content, there are a hundred who are not.


You gain power over another person by winning his heart or by breaking his spirit.


The gods delight to see a man struggling to succeed.


He benefits himself, that does good to others.


He will never get to Heaven, that desires to go there alone.


Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.


A good friend is my nearest relation.


A friend that you buy with presents will be bought from you.


Man would've perished long ago, had it not been for public spirited people.


He teaches ill, that teaches all.


He that will not be saved, needs no sermon.


Everyone thinks himself able to advise another.


He has no small portion of virtue, that loves it in another.


He is a very ill man, who doesn't retain a secret reverence for a good man.


A virtuous person loves virtue even in an enemy.


Heaven is a cheap purchase, whatever it cost.


Hell is full of good meanings and wishes; but Heaven is full of good works.


I'll be your friend, but not your vice's friend.


If we are bound to forgive an enemy, we are not bound to trust him.


Good deeds remain; all other things perish.


He that resists his own evil inclinations, obeys God.


Do all you can to be good, and you’ll be so.


A person may be happy here and hereafter without much fame or wealth.


A person may have a just esteem of himself without being proud.


It's not humility, but sordidness, to be regardless of true honor.


Desire of glory is the last garment that even wise men put off.


It's a fair degree of plenty to have what's necessary.


People are less eager for what they may have than what they can't get.


It is a sin not to be angry with sin.


A gift with a kind countenance is a double present.


A pot that belongs to many is ill stirred and worse boiled.


A stumble may prevent a fall.


Adversity oftentimes leads to prosperity.


There's no defense against the wildfire of the mob.


Anger is short-lived in a good personn.


Argument seldom convinces anyone contrary to his inclinations.


He that would right understand a person must read his whole story.


People's actions aren't to be judged at first sight.


Our pity is often misapplied; for none can tell what another feels.


At the end of the work, you may judge of the workman.


Even doubtful accusations leave a stain behind them.


Bad excuses are worse than none.


Inconsiderable excuses are a sort of self-accusation.


Correction should not respect so much what is past, as what is to come.


Best dealing with an enemy when you take him at his weakest.


Bitter pills may have wholesome effects.


He that stays in the valley shall never get over the hill.


He that will conquer must fight.


He that will not sail till all dangers are over must never put to sea.


Dangers are overcome with dangers.


One danger is seldom overcome without another.


Do as most do, and people will speak well of you.


Do as others do, and few will mock you.


Everyone living has something to do.


Everything has its time, and that time must be watched.


Fear can keep a man out of danger, but only courage can support him in it.


Few dare write the true news of their chamber.


Flattery fits in the parlor when plain dealing is kicked out of doors.


He is no wise man that cannot play the fool upon occasion.


He does much, that does a thing well.


He invites future injuries, who rewards past ones.


He leaps into a deep river to avoid a shallow brook.


He that falls today may be up again tomorrow.


He that follows nature is never out of his way.


He that has the most time has none to lose.


He that has time, and looks for a better time, loses time.


He that listens after what people say of him shall never have peace.


Every fool can find faults that a great many wise men can't remedy.


Everyone's faults aren't written on their foreheads.


Everyone has his weak side.


He that lives on hope has but a slender diet.


He that speaks ill of his wife dishonors himself.


He's not ungrateful that cannot, but he that will not repay.


Husband, don't believe what you see, but what I tell you.


If we're enemies to ourselves, where shall we fly?


If you're a jester, keep your wit till you have use for it.


If you're not content, put your hand in your pocket and please yourself.


If you make money your God, it'll plague you like a devil.


If you don't pay a servant his wages, he'll pay himself [by stealing].


If you sell the cow, you sell her milk too.


If you leap into a well, providence isn't bound to fetch you out.


In fair weather, prepare for foul.


It's a bad bargain, where both are losers.


It is a base thing to tread upon someone who's down.


It's a most base thing to betray someone because he trusted you.


It's a great point of wisdom to find out one's own folly.


It's a miserable thing for a wise man to be under the government of a fool.


Kings have no power over souls.


No tyrant can take from you your knowledge and wisdom.


It's easier to prevent ill habits than to break them.


It is in vain to cast your net where there's no fish.


It is in vain to use words when deeds are expected.


It is the easiest thing in the world for a person to deceive himself.


Justice will not condemn even the devil himself wrongfully.


Make not even the devil blacker than he is.


Many get into a dispute well, that can't get out well.


Men generally look more upon decency than virtue.


People hate those they have hurt.


Since you wronged me, you've never had a good thought of me.


Modesty isn't bashfulness.


Nature will sometimes lie buried a great while, and yet revive upon occasion of a temptation.


Natural folly is bad enough; but learned folly is intolerable.


No day passes without something we wish not.


No one can always stand his ground.


No vice goes alone.


The maintaining of one vice costs more than ten virtues.


No one is always a fool; everyone is sometimes a fool.


No one is so wise, but the fool sometimes overtakes him.


Oftentimes, to please fools, wise men err.


Old men think themselves cunning.


One can't live by selling goods for words.


One may be confuted, and yet not convinced.


One may think, that dares not speak.


Pain is forgotten when grain [money] comes.


Prosperous people seldom mend their faults. [Wealthy people tend to be very satisfied with themselves.]


Patience and pusillanimity are two [different] things.


Play may be good, but folly can never be of any use.


Praise not the ford till you are safe over.


Pride goes before; shame follows after.


Quarrels couldn't last long, were but prudence on one side.


Rashness isn't valor.


Religion is the best armor in the world, but the worst cloak. [True religiousness is as good as religious phoniness is bad.]


Remember, you are but a man.


Search not a wound too deep, lest you make a new one.


Seek not to reform everyone's dial by your own watch.


No dish pleases all palates alike.


Set a thief to catch a thief.


Shallow wits censure everything that's beyond their depth.


Sickness is felt, but health not at all.


Sickness will spoil the happiness of an emperor, as well as mine.


The two principal things are wisdom and health.


Singularity always seems to have a spice of arrogancy in it.


So now you act like yourself, and nobody will trust you.


Solitude dulls the thought, too much company dissipates it.


Some are atheists only in fair weather.


Some injure all they fear, and hate all they injure.


Some people's "no" is better received than others' "yes."


Sometimes it's better to give your apple than eat it yourself.


That sick person is not to be pitied, who has his cure in his sleeve.


An envious person hurts others some, but hurts himself very much.


The first faults are theirs that commit them; the second theirs that permit them.


The greatest barkers aren't the greatest biters.


The guilty man fears the law; the innocent man fears fortune.


The nature of things will not be altered by our fancies of them.


The only way to know and to serve God, is to be like him.


The thief is sorry he is to be hanged, but not that he is a thief.


The true Gentleman is God’s servant, the world’s master, and his own man.


The unfortunate are counted fools.


The way to be safe, is never to be secure.


There are more Lords in the World, than fine Gentlemen. (4856)


There is a critical Minute for all Things. (4873)


There is a sort of Pleasure in indulging of Grief. (4883)


There is more Pleasure in loving, than in being belov’d. (4900)


There is no Piety in keeping an unjust Promise. (4915) [Anonymous]


There is no Reputation so clear, but a Slanderer may stain it. (4920)


There is no usual Rule without an Exception. (4925) *


There is some Virtue or other to be excercis’d, whatever happens. (4938)


They love dancing well, that dance barefoot upon Thorns. (4966)


They must hunger in Winter, that will not work in Summer. (4968)


They seldom live well, who think they shall live long. (4971)


They, who cannot do as they would, must do as they can. (4988)


Things not understood, are admir’d. (4992)


This, or any Moment may be your last. (5000)


Till Death all is Life. (5045)


‘Tis harder to unlearn than learn. (5085)


‘Tis in vain to speak Reason, where ‘twill not be heard. (5088) [Anonymous]


‘Tis not Liberty to live licentiously. (5098)


‘Tis not Prating but Working, that brings in the Harvest. (5100)


Too much Familiarity breeds Contempt. (5263)


Truth may sometimes come out of the Devil’s Mouth. (5308)


Truth needs not many Words; but a false Tale, a large Preamble. (5309)


[M]y great uncle was a quiet guy. He wasn't around much. He lived in a small town. But when he died a LOT of people came to the funeral. Way more than expected.

Turns out he'd spent a lot of his time volunteering, visiting with old folks, talking with people in hospice, the food pantry, etc. etc. He never told anyone. When he died all the people from these different volunteer organizations showed up along with the people he'd helped. Line was around the block to the funeral.


[One] time I received a gift set of processed ham and Spam for Chuseok (major Korean holiday) when living in Korea. I didn't want it, so I decided to give it to the parking garage security guard in my apartment building. This guard was always so gruff and stony with me ... until I gave him the gift set. I told him I was re-gifting, but nevertheless he was moved to tears and told me nobody had ever done anything so nice for him. Slight exaggeration on his part, I'm sure, but from there on out he gave me a hats-off salute every time I passed by and he watched my bike for me when I was out of country.


My friend’s father volunteers at the local soup kitchen three times a week. What's amazing about this is that his family has been struggling with money and has eaten at shelters several times themselves in the past. When I asked why he does it, he said, "All people deserve something to eat, and I know there are others who have far less than us right now."


I gave my umbrella to a japanese tourist during a downpour. I was getting into my car and he had at least a mile to walk (based on where we ran into one another). He said "thank you for your kindness" and bowed like 10 times.


I was day tripping to Vancouver from Seattle and stopped in for lunch at a little cafe. From my window I saw a young teenage girl out in the cold, squatted down in a closed up businesses doorway, holding a small bundle in her arms. She was panhandling, people were mostly walking by ignoring her. She looked just broken.

I finished up my meal and went outside, went through my wallet and thought I'd give her $5 for some food. I got up to her and she was sobbing, she looked like she was 14-15. And that bundle in her arms was a baby wrapped up. I felt like I just got punched in the chest. She looked up putting on a game face and asked for any change, I asked her if she's like some lunch. Right next door was a small quick-Trip type grocery store, I got a can of formula for the baby (very young, maybe 2-3 months old.), and took her back to the cafe though I'd just eaten. She was very thankful, got a burger and just inhaled it. Got her some pie and ice cream. She opened up and we talked. She was 15, got pregnant, parents were angry and she was fighting with them. She ran away. She's been gone almost 1 full year.

I asked her if she's like to go home and she got silent. I coaxed her, she said her parents wouldn't want her back. I coaxed further, she admitted she stole 5k in cash from her Dad. Turns out 5k doesn't last long at all and the streets are tough on a 15 year old. Very tough. She did want to go back, but she was afraid no one wanted her back after what she did.

We talked more, I wanted her to use my phone to call home but she wouldn't. I told her I'd call and see if her folks wanted to talk to her, she hesitated and gave bad excuses but eventually agreed. She dialed the number and I took the phone, her Mom picked up and I said hello. Awkwardly introduced myself and said her daughter would like to speak to her, silence, and I heard crying. Gave the phone to the girl and she was just quiet listening to her Mom cry, and then said hello. And she cried. They talked, she gave the phone back to me, I talked to her Mom some more.

I drove her down to the bus station and bought her a bus ticket home. Gave her $100 cash for incidentals, and some formula, diapers, wipes, snacks for the road.

Got to the bus, and she just cried saying thank you over and over. I gave her a kiss on the forehead and a hug, kissed her baby, and she got on the bus.

I get a chistmas card every year from her. She's 21 now and in college. Her name is Makayla and her baby was Joe. ...

I just feel good knowing I did something good in this world.


All I can remember about my dad from my childhood is him screaming at me for various reasons. He would beat my sister and I from time to time. We never hugged unless he forced me to give him one. He has called me things like stupid and worthless. But he left for Afghanistan over a year ago and comes back tomorrow. Ever since he left he has texted and emailed me, "I love you" at least once a week. He seems like he truly misses us. I don't know what to expect tomorrow.


One of my classmates passed away from leukemia. She loved to learn, but couldn't continue in school for the last six months due to her illness. I found out this afternoon at her memorial service that our English teacher had gone to her house to read to her every single day until she died.


For nearly half a year my internet has been painfully slow. Slow to the point I couldn't watch 10 seconds videos without it having to buffer every couple of seconds, so slow that 10 megabytes would take me 20 minutes to download.

I've called Verizon in the past and complained to which they said everything was fine and the connection speed was good.

They sent a tech to my house to check on everything and he said everything was fine.

Recently I began looking into getting cable internet so when I called Verizon to cancel my account they said they would increase the speed of my internet at no extra cost.

A few days go by and just this morning I was informed by Verizon that they increased my internet speed. I checked and yes it is in fact faster. Now I can watch 1080p videos on YouTube just fine, my downloads are faster and performance has improved.

So on the day I was prepared to cancel my service they decide that suddenly they can flip a switch and now my internet is actually good. I still feel like I was getting the short end of the stick so I'm gonna cancel it anyway.


He talks at them, but not into them--he makes them think, not feel, which is most tiresome to the majority of persons, and few speakers succeed who attempt to merely make people think--they want to be made to feel. People will pay liberally to be made to feel or laugh, while they will begrudge a dime for instruction or talk that will make them think.


Every deed that we do, good or bad, is prompted by Desire. We are charitable because we Desire to relieve our inner distress at the sight of suffering; or from the Desire of sympathy; or from the Desire to be respected in this world, or to secure a comfortable place in the next. One man is kind because he Desires to be kind--because it gives him satisfaction to be kind; while another man is cruel from precisely the same kind of motive.

One man does his duty because he Desires to do it--he obtains a higher satisfaction from duty well done than he would from the neglecting of it in accordance with some weaker desires. The religious man is religious because his religious desires are stronger than his irreligious ones--because he finds a higher satisfaction in religion than in the pursuits of the worldly-minded. The moral man is moral because his moral desires are stronger than his immoral ones--he obtains a greater satisfaction in being moral than in being the contrary.

Everything we do is prompted by Desire in some shape or form--high or low. Man cannot be Desireless and act in any way. Desire is the motivating power behind all actions--it is a natural law of life. Everything from the atom to the monad; from the monad to the insect; from the insect to man; from man to Nature, acts and does things by reason of the power and force of Desire, the Animating Motive.


When I was younger I had abusive parents, like really abusive parents, one night in the middle of a snowstorm they threw me outside in the snow with no shoes or socks and in a tshirt. It was freezing cold. I was wandering around the neighborhood behind the houses because I was too embarassed.

Suddenly, a neighbor of mine, (17ish) was sitting on his window smoking and looking at the snow. He saw me, asked what the hell I was doing, I just gave him this look and he leaned out his window, grabbed me by the arms and hauled me up into his window. He gave me some blankets and let me sit there in the warmth for awhile and we just small talked and he put on a movie. A little while later my mother came by, saw him and asked if he had seen me. He instantly, without hesitating told her no, and watched until she left before helping me back home.

At the time, it was the kindest thing anyone had ever done for me, the only person who had ever protected me from my abusive parents. Since then I've always been doing my best to help my friends and acquaintances from their abusive families or relationships.

It can feel so alone being in an abusive situation, and the feeling of having someone protect you never goes away. Pay that shit forward.


Today, I received a call from my good friend's mom thanking me for taking the time to talk to her son, who had decided to see a counselor this morning instead of killing himself--which he apparently admitted openly. Last night, I talked to my friend for an hour outside of his parent's house, and had no idea I had just saved his life.


Today, I helped make food for the homeless. The man I was giving the sandwich to said he didn’t want it. I asked why and he pointed to his friend behind him and said, “I want the birthday boy here to have two sandwiches on his special day. It’s the only gift I have to give.” His friend was elated. People who have nothing and still give MakeMeThink.


I was in a hurry and stopped at a gas station to fill up. While I was outside my car a man came up to me and asked if I could spare a buck or two for gas. He, his wife, and his daughter were traveling but were broke and barely made it to the station. They had a broken down old volvo and it was clear that they were vagabonds of some sort who lived in their car. The kid was at most two years old. I was pretty low on cash myself but I thought hey what the hell, I could use some affirmation that people can be kind if I were in their situation. So I swiped my card at their pump and said, "Fill it up. Good luck to you and your family, I hope this can get you where you're going" and walked away. He started crying as I left and I would have lost it too if I wasn't too proud to do so in public. To see a grown man cry like that - both for having received an unexpected gift and for having to be put in the position of begging to keep his family safe, was one of the most profound experiences of my life.


Today, I realized how much my mom has really been through. Her mom and dad divorced when she was young. Her mom was an alcoholic. When she went to live with her dad, he had no idea how to care for a teenage daughter so she learned lots from her neighbors. Then her dad died and she went to live with her mom and her new boyfriend. They were quite abusive, and I don't know how she manages to be the happy mom she is to me today. Her strength MakesMeThink.


I went to college in a pretty horrible neighborhood. We would have parties and have all sorts of people showing up, on a few occasions we had to hire bouncers to keep the locals out. One night at 5 AM after we had a party there was a knock on the door my roommate answered and a homeless gentleman basically pushed his way into the house thinking there was still a party going on. The party had dispersed a few hours earlier, what this guy wanted was some food. My roommate woke me up because he wasn't trying to deal with this guy by himself. I got out of bed and began cooking everything we had, which basically ammounted to some bacon, 3 eggs (no cheese, this homeless gentleman hated cheese) and a bowl of pasta. While I was cooking my roommate went to bed and the guy put espn on the TV and just acted like a normal person (even though it was 5 AM on a weekend). Sometimes you realize that people just want to be treated like people and not shooed away, granted if I were sober and my roommate woke me up at 5 AM to cook for a homeless man the story may be a little different.


Despite the fact that I'm in a failing marriage, I'm steadily working towards all the goals I've set for myself, and live a good life. My friends, family, and coworkers love me. I have a great job, a great church, and am engaged in really fun activities and hobbies. I really want to share this life with my spouse, but if he doesn't love me anymore, I am okay with facing this reality. Looking at my life, and the bright future ahead, MakesMeThink.


Today, I watched as a homeless man crossed the street with a shopping cart full of his belongings near my shop in Portland. The wheel of the cart got stuck in a small pothole and tipped the cart over, and his possessions went everywhere. A man dressed in a suit and tie stopped, got down on his hands and knees, and frantically helped the man gather his things.


My sister sent me a text that said "I love you so much." Worried something was wrong, I called her and asked what was up. Laughing, she replied, "Nothing's up, Anna. I was just thinking today about how much you mean to me and what an amazing role model you've been in my life. I realized I haven't told you I loved you in over a month, and that's just not right when I love you this much."


The end of one of the most difficult months of my life is coming to a close. Over the last four weeks, I discovered my boyfriend was cheating on me, I was laid off from my job, and my mother was diagnosed with cancer and began chemo. Despite all of this, my two best friends have been there for me every step of the way. They’ve taken the trouble to meet me for lunch and dinner, swing by my house randomly to check on me, post little jokes on my Facebook wall, and leave funny messages on my voicemail. Not a single day has passed this month that they haven’t reached out to me to make sure I’m okay. Having true friends who care and go out of their way to keep you smiling MakesMeThink.


I was babysitting my friend’s 10 year old daughter at her house. I noticed a picture over the fireplace of a happily smiling, yet completely bald little girl. Not recognizing the girl in the photo, I asked who it was. My friend’s daughter replied, “That’s me. I had cancer when I was 4.” Her smile in the picture despite her illness, and seeing her today fully recovered Makes Me Think.


This morning I went to drop of my large items to the recycling center. There was an Asian lady in the line who looked about 65-70 years old. She had 6 big black bags of recycling with her. I asked her if she wanted my items, because she was commingling and she could get money for it. She accepted them and thanked me with the most wonderful, loving hug I have ever had.

After leaving the recycling center, I went to the market. I had just finished writing my book, and am hoping to get it published someday. I wanted to pick up some steaks to celebrate. It was kind of a special occasion for me, since I have been unemployed for four months and money is tight.

At the market, I had the steaks in my hand, but then thought about the lady at the recycling center. I put them back and decided to buy hamburgers instead. Then, I went back to the recycling center.

Folding up the twenty dollar bill that I would have spent on steaks, I walked up to the Asian lady. Taking her hand, I put the money in it, gave her a hug, and walked away. All of a sudden, before I could get too far, I felt someone grab me around the waist from behind. (Note: I am 6' tall and she is maybe 5' tall.) I turned around and hugged her back. Tears filled both of our eyes. She told me she loved me and thanked me again. I kissed her cheek and told her to have a wonderful day.

Then I got in my truck and drove away.


A few of us were walking our dogs around the neighborhood yesterday.

"Now, Danny," my sister-in-law said to her son. "When we walk by Miss Margie's house remember to stop and call out and wave to her."

A few houses later Danny called out, "Miss Margie! Miss Margie, are you there?" And Miss Margie's waving hand appeared at the window. Then she looked out, smiled, and leaned back in again.

Danny told me that Miss Margie likes it when he remembers to look for her. She doesn't really like company in her house, but still likes people to think of her.

Kindness, it's as easy as that!


I am a crime scene officer. I responded to a woman who was badly beaten by her husband. Taking pictures of her battered body we talked about her next steps and how there are people more than willing to help her. She said I was her angel.

Just earlier today I watched as a chaplain comforted a grieving husband whose wife committed suicide, thinking I could never do that, but in a way I did without even initially realizing it.


I got a phone call from my daughter's kindergarten teacher. She asked me why I wasn’t providing lunch for my daughter over the past few days. Confused, I hung up the phone and asked my daughter what she was doing with her lunches. She said, "Katie’s mom is in the hospital and hasn’t been able to make any meals for the last week, so I gave a few of my lunches to her.”


So many people today know how it feels to be on limited funds. I do my best to help others. Whether paying bills or at the grocery store, I am always looking out for those who need help. And today I was blessed to be able to help a homeless man.

He was sitting outside the grocery store, shivering. You would think that in Arizona people wouldn't get that cold but this man was really shivering.

My hubby and I were putting our groceries in the van and I saw a folded blanket just laying in the middle of the seat. I grabbed it, our 8-piece chicken dinner and a bottle of juice and gave them all to him.

He was so thankful that he stood up and hugged me. He said, "God bless you, sister!" Then he hugged my hubby and said, "God heard my prayers!"

I was so touched that a tear ran down my cheek. As my hubby and I returned to the van he smiled and said, "God heard his prayers and sent you, an angel, to help."


I have now lived 227 days beyond the 9 month life expectancy they gave me. Every single one of these days has been a true blessing.


I am a single mother with two wonderful kids under the age of 4. I don't make much money and I get hardly any money from my ex-husband. My 16-year-old neighbor down the street visits me almost every day to entertain my kids, and give me a short break. Sometimes she even buys them small toys and takes them for a walk around the block. This afternoon I tried to pay her as a way of thanking her, and she refused.


When I was about twelve, I was headed to a restaurant for dinner with my family. It was winter, and on that particular night, the wind was really blowing.

As my mom and I headed towards the restaurant from our car, a girl about my age and her mother came up to us. They asked if we had any spare change. My mom immediately asked where they kept their things. They pointed to an old car in a parking lot across the street. The girl said there were six of them living in that car, which was the same size as my own family.

My mom said she had something to do, and after handing the people a few dollars, we said good-bye. Then, my mother sent me inside the restaurant with my dad and my three siblings. But she didn't come.

Later, I found out that she had gone home and practically emptied our cupboards into a few bags. Then, she brought that food over to the car and handed the bags to the family. I wasn't there when that part happened, but I can only imagine the joy it brought to their faces.

A few days, later, when I actually found out about what she had done, I asked her why she helped those people. She told me that we were lucky and that her family wasn't as lucky. I remember the face of that girl who had asked us for change-- how she was the same age as me, yet we looked so different.

Here I stood, dressed in almost new clothes, headed to dine in a restaurant and then back home to the bedroom I shared with my younger sister. I remember thinking that the other girl didn't have any food to eat, and she was headed back to a cold car shared with 5 other people.

After painting this picture in my mind, I understood why my mom had done what she did. I will never forget what she did that night, and how she taught me one of the best lessons I ever learned.

Thank you mom, I love you.


I have never lived in the same province as my only niece, but she and I have a special bond. Since she was two years old I have written her a letter every week!

We refer to them as my Thursday letters because my day off used to be Thursday and the first thing I would do would be to write to Brooke. She is ten now and quite grown up, but I continue to cherish the times when I write to her. I have only missed six Thursdays in eight years; because of a mail strike and a hospital stay.

When Brooke was four she was talking with my mom. "Auntie Steph writes me a letter every week," she said.

"That's a lot of letters," my mom replied. "What does she write about?"

"Well ..." Brooke thought about it. "She tells me that she loves me! Sometimes she says it long and sometimes she says it short!"

She was absolutely right! She saw the love right through the envelope, past the stickers and addressed to her heart!


Today, I realized that so much has changed since all of his alcoholic rages, verbal abuse, and the nights he made me feel like I didn't deserve to be breathing. It feels like so much time has passed since the first time I asked him why he did it, and told him I needed him to change and be my dad again. And somehow he did change. My father has transformed himself into the most respectable and caring man I know, and became my dad again. And now I can't begin to think of my life without him in it.


I'd had a couple of yard sales, but I also had lots of good stuff I no longer needed. I didn't want to bother with another yard sale and I couldn't bring myself to throw the items away.

So, I decided to have a "Kindness Sale" where everything was free! If a person took something they were encouraged to perform an act of kindness to a stranger at some time in the future.

Everything was given away!

People shared so many heart warming stories and often individuals would say, "This is just what I needed!" When I told people about the idea behind the Kindness Sale some of them could hardly believe it.

I now have my two-car garage back and I have loads of room.


Today, I waited on an elderly couple where I work. She kept forgetting things. Turns out she has Alzeihmer's disease. Her husband was so calm and understanding. He never got annoyed having to tell her everything she had forgotten. I witnessed true love at its best.


It’s been over 20 years since I recovered from acute depression. And it’s my little brother that I have to thank for keeping me alive and pushing forward toward recovery. Every single time I had a breakdown, he was there to talk to – a phone call away or there in person if I needed it. And every time I told him, “I hate myself!” he said, “I love you.”


It’s been ten years since she passed away. But she was my best friend, and she saved my life when I was at a low point in my twenties. Although she is no longer here, I am, and I wouldn’t be here without her. She still lives though the life she saved in me.


I can't believe how bored we were after watching this unbelievable guy['s stand up comedy video]. I think we only laughed once. I thought is was because I wasn't drunk the first time I watched it, or maybe because I was alone, but after my wife sat down to watch it with me, and neither one of us laughed.


Anyone that says that this wasn't funny is probably racist... I've showed all of my friends Kevin Hart and the only ones that never fell out of their chairs laughing were the racist ones. The ones that grew up hating black people. I grew up in a country town like that. This isn't even an exaggeration either. I've probably shown over 15 different people this one comedy act, Laugh At My Pain, and every person save one or two racist fucks were dying by the end of this act. Watch it. You wont be disappointed.


I spent the majority of high school with no friends, or friends out of pity. But now I'm in college and I have a best friend who truly cares. And this summer after I temporarily moved away to a new city, she called me every single day for several weeks straight so I wouldn't get home sick.


Today, I ran into my ex-husband's new girlfriend at Whole Foods. She apologized to me for showing up at a party that I also attended and for putting me in a very awkward position. My ex did not tell her that I would be there. I stood speechless for a second in deli area, and she realized how sad I still am over the divorce and gave me an unexpected hug. She was very compassionate. And as awkward as this encounter initially felt, in some backwards way, she made me feel better too.


Today, my little sister saved my life, and she has no idea. All she did was send me one text: "It was so great to see you yesterday. I love talking with you. And I want to start spending more time together." 22 words was all it took to stop the suicidal thoughts that had been running through my head all day. This evening I even went to my first therapy session to cope with my issues. I wish more people knew how powerful their words are.


Today, I celebrated my one year anniversary of working with Autistic children at the local hospital. Three times a week I work with a boy who has never spoken to me. Today he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Thank you, Hailey. You make my life better."


I work as a meat clerk at a major natural foods chain.

Every week there's an old man that comes into my store - his name is Sid.

Sid is a picky old man that forgets things--he often calls me "George" (my name is Robert). He gives the clerks a hard time, asking for special things, and being an overall curmudgeon. No one wants to help him - but I was nice to him one day and ever since that day, he comes in asking if "George" is around. One day while I was helping him he told me that he had lost his wife several years back and that he forgets things and that it's generally lousy being old. No secret there, but he's lonely and I felt bad for him.

I often give him special service that takes a great deal of time--it can be a pain in the ass at times, and my co-workers sometimes give me guff for it.

This past week I was helping Sid when he asked me to take his hand. He firmly grabbed it, looked me dead in the eye and said: "Thank you for being my friend."

I started to well up and thanked him for being my friend, telling him that he was a nice man.

It's not to much that I'm doing something incredibly nice for Sid, or even that it's the nicest thing I've ever done--it's simple stuff. It sounds cheesy, but the impact of simple actions can make a huge difference to some people. I honestly had no idea that what I was doing was so important to him.


For a moment I was frustrated to go to work on a Saturday morning. Then I remembered waking up in a safe warm bed when others don't. I contemplated driving in my nice car, while others walk. I sipped on my warm coffee and ate a slice of toast while I thought about how others went to bed hungry last night and woke up this morning, still hungry. Instead of fretting about working today, I choose to smile. It's my goal to find someone who woke up cold and hungry this morning, and give them what I make today, hoping it will make much more than a day’s difference to them.


Today, for the first time in five years, I saw the homeless man I used to give a couple dollars to on my walk home from work almost every day. He was my cab driver this afternoon, and he recognized me as soon as I got into the cab. He told me he saved the money I gave him and used it to get back on his feet. He thanked me over and over again, and gave me a free ride.


It's been five years since I adopted a puppy from a high kill shelter that had no time left. Since then I have developed a moderate case of a neurological disease that causes seizures. Believe it or not, dog is able to detect my seizures before I know. She starts barking hysterically, and keys me into my episode before it starts. So today she is my service dog. The life I saved saving me every day MakesMeThink.


The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.


Fine dining cook here. 30% of your meal is butter. That's why it's so good.


I've never written a review on Netflix before but I felt obliged to say something after watching this.This guy [Aziz Ansari] is moderately funny. I was enjoying the show for a few minutes, but then I noticed that one of the buttons on Mr. Ansari's right sleeve was missing. Three buttons on the right sleeve, four on the right. To make matters worse, there's a bit a black thread where the button was. I tried to keep watching but the missing button is just so egregious that it's impossible to enjoy the performance so I had to stop. Also, his cadences are so similar to Mitch Hedberg's as to make listening kind of sad.


I work at a Design and Branding firm, and we have had Marketing companies come in and tell us that they have 1000+ people across the world with 20+ twitter accounts each with very different personalities and tone. They charge one dollar per tweet to promote your product, and guarantee the results will look "organic."

I'm still not overly familiar with him [Dane Cook]. A friend of mine LOVES him, thinks he is the funniest thing around. I have chuckled at the little bits I have seen, but nothing has made me search him out. Hell, my friend even gave my two of his albums to check out, and I ended up deleting them before I even listened.


The US military has a tradition where you spend your entire budget by Oct (the new fiscal year) or you risk losing that portion of your budget. I've been in units that would go out and purchase $200,000 worth of useless shit just to avoid having a budget surplus. Multiply by the number of units in the military (a shit ton) and you have all your fraud, waste and abuse.


Government bodies work ... are exceedingly good at and anxious to spend other government bodies' money. What I mean by this is that a city manager will be as frugal as possible and really vet every project that would use city funds. But if the state is picking up the bill, hot fucking damn, let's add spinners to the municipal fleet. Same with states and federal funds. If it would come out of the state budget, ehhh, we should be careful. If it's federal funds, let's do this thing. A great example of this was with This American Life's show several months back on SSI. When they moved welfare to a state funded program under the Clinton administration, states (Missouri specifically was the one profiled) spent a bunch of their own money hiring companies to get people that would be on their welfare rolls to be accepted on the federally funded SSI. End result to the taxpayer was that you still had more or less the same cost for the recipient (welfare/SSI money) plus a chunk spent by the state on a company that did nothing but facilitate a shell game. But, those state politicians are elected based on what they can say they did with the state budget, and they can say that they saved you money, even though that's not true in the fine print. They don't give a fuck about those federal dollars, even though it costs taxpayers more in the long run.


I spent 4 years in the Navy, and never saw or heard anything as disgusting as Mencia. He has taken a subject which should be beautiful, and turned it into what you might expect to buy in a slum house of prostitution. Carlos is a deranged person who has no sense of comedy.


A young guy from N. J. moves to Fla. He goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a sales job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in New Jersey." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65." The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. "Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, "So I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft." "Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold him a BOAT AND a TRUCK?!" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"


Why is it so hard to find undercooked meat? Because it's rare.


What does a gay horse eat? Haaaay!


What's big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock-eater.

Roberto Acuna Quotes


According to Mom, I was born on a cotton sack out in the fields, ‘cause she had no money to go to the hospital. When I was a child, we used to migrate from California to Arizona and back and forth. The things I saw shaped my life. I remember when we used to go out and pick carrots and onions, the whole family. We tried to scratch a livin’ out of the ground. I saw my parents cry out in despair, even though we had the whole family working. At the time, they were paying sixty-two and a half cents an hour. The average income must have been fifteen hundred dollars, maybe two thousand.

This was supplemented by child labor. During those years, the growers used to have a Pick-Your-Harvest Week. They would get all the migrant kids out of school and have ‘em out there pickin’ the crops at peak harvest time. A child was off that week and when he went back to school, he got a little gold star. They would make it seem like something civic to do.

We’d pick everything: lettuce, carrots, onions, cucumbers, cauliflower, broccoli, tomatoes – all the salads you could make out of vegetables, we picked ‘em. Citrus fruits, watermelons – you name it…We’d follow the seasons. After my dad died, my mom would come home and she’d go into her tent and I would go into ours. We’d roughhouse and everything and then we’d go into the tent where Mom was sleeping and I’d see her crying. When I asked her why she was crying she never gave me an answer. All she said was things would get better. She retired a beaten old lady with a lot of dignity. That day she thought would be better never came for her. ...

I never did want to go to town because it was a very bad thing for me. We used to go to the small stores, even though we got clipped more. If we went to the other stores, they would laugh at us. They would always point at us with a finger. We’d go to town maybe every two weeks to get what we needed. Everybody would walk in a bunch. We were afraid. (Laughs.) We sang to keep our spirits up. We joked about our poverty. ...

I started picking crops when I was eight. I couldn’t do much, but every little bit counts. Every time I would get behind on my chores, I would get a carrot thrown at me by my parents. I would daydream: If I were a millionaire, I would buy all these ranches and give them back to the people. I would picture my mom living in one area all the time and being admired by all the people in the community. All of a sudden I’d be rudely awaken by a broken carrot in my back. That would bust your whole dream apart and you’d work for a while and come back to daydreaming. ...

We used to work early, about four o’clock in the morning. We’d pick the harvest until about six. Then we’d run home and get into our supposedly clean clothes and run all the way to school because we’d be late. By the time we got to school, we’d be all tuckered out. Around maybe eleven o’clock, we’d be dozing off. Our teachers would send notes to the house telling Mom that we were inattentive. ... School would end maybe four o’clock. We’d rush home again, change clothes, go back to work until seven, seven thirty at night. ... On Saturday and Sunday, we’d be there from four thirty in the morning until about seven thirty in the evening. ... I’d go barefoot to school. The bad thing was they used to laugh at us, the Anglo kids. They would laugh because we’d bring tortillas and frijoles to lunch. They would have their nice little compact lunch boxes with cold milk in their thermos and they’d laugh at us because all we had was dried tortillas. Not only would they laugh at us, but the kids would pick fights. My older brother used to do most of the fighting for us and he’d come home with black eyes all the time. ...

The growers don’t recognize us as persons. That’s the worst thing, the way they treat you. ... They haven’t any regard as to what safety precautions are needed. The pesticides affect the farm worker through the lungs. He breathes it in. He gets no compensation. They don’t investigate the cause.

If people could see--in the winter, ice on the field. We’d be on our knees all day long. We’d build fires and warm up real fast and go back onto the ice. We’d be picking watermelons in 105 degrees all day long. When people have melons or cucumber or carrots or lettuce, they don’t know how they got on their table and the consequences to the people who picked it. If I had enough money, I would take busloads of people out to the fields and into the labor camps. Then they’d know how that fine salad got on their table.