Proverbs

Never do tomorrow what you can make someone else do today

You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. You can’t eat your cake and then not poo.

You can’t make money as a preacher without breaking a few commandments.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’ll freakin’ kill you.

Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile barefoot.

The pen is mightier than the sword. The pencil, on the other hand, falls somewhere between a small rock and a Swiss Army knife.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless, of course, the sword happens to be dipped in ink.

It ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings. And if it weren’t for those hands over your ears, you would have heard her singing at the top of her lungs in the third quarter.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t get your husband to leave the toilet seat down.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating. The proof of the eating is in the toilet.

Prevention is better than cure. Unless you’re a doctor.

Honesty is a policy. I wouldn’t say it’s the best one, but it’s definitely in the top two.

Variety is the spice of life. Variety is the spice of life. Variety is the spice of life. Variety is the spice of life.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Unless the basket is mine.

If at first you don’t succeed, odds are it’s time to bribe someone.

Actions speak louder than words. And money’s so damn loud that it won’t even let you hear yourself think.

You’re never too old to learn. But you’re often too stubborn.

You’re never too old to die.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. But it might not be. Which is exactly why you should buy my course Earn a Million Dollars, Lose 35 Pounds, and Find Your Soul Mate in 6 Days.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law. The other tenth is owned by Disney.

Too many cooks spoil the broth. My wife, however, is capable of spoiling it all by herself.

The enemy of his enemy is his friend. The friend of his friend is his enemy. You got that? OK. Now good luck trying to make a seating chart.

It takes a village to raise a child. Except in the case of Jenny’s son. You’d need an army of Mary Poppinses to raise that monster.

The early bird catches the worm. Unless the worm is late.

The early bird catches the worm. The early hunter catches the early bird.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man miss a lot of good TV shows.

A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted twenty years of his life. Not to mention the fact that he doesn't know how to subtract.