Book of Prayers

I love you, you’re the best, your religion is number one, all other gods are bastards, I’ll never stop believing in you, God bless America, etc.

OK—now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here’s what I want: $50 million in cash (preferably in unmarked bills), a harem of 30,000 nymphomaniacs, another $50 million in cash, a body that makes Brad Pitt look like a fat slob, Mary Poppins’s magic bag, ten thousand keys of coke, another $50 million in cash, a Back to the Future IV DVD, and 50 channels that show nothing but Duck Tales.

You’re really great. And I really mean that. In fact, you’re greater than great.

Let me put it this way: If Frosted Flakes are grrrreat, you’re grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat.

I can’t even begin to tell you how great you are. I get up every day thinking: “God that God is great.”

You’re so great, I actually think calling you great is not so much a compliment as it is an insult.I mean, I’ve called orange juice great. I’ve called movies great. I’ve even called movies about orange juice great. You’re in another league altogether.

You know what? The next time someone calls you great, I’m going to kick the crap out of him.

Dear Jehovah, Jesus, Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, Lao Tzu, Confucius, Sun Myung Moon, the Dalai Lama, Kim Jong Il, and/or Larry the Cable Guy.

Please. I’m begging you. Make my wife stop whining. Just for a day. Even an hour would be much appreciated.

Thanks for bankrupting that douche neighbor of mine the other day. You should have seen the look on that asshole’s face (although come to think of it, you probably did) when those repo men were taking away his BMW.

The satisfaction of watching that prick go from champagne to a Chevette made me realize why you created mankind in the first place.

As I follow your righteous path and do my utmost to carry out your will, I ask that you purify my soul and punish my enemies. And by enemies, I mean just about everyone on the entire planet—especially that asshole at work, Carl Smith.

Remember what you did to the Canaanites back in the day? Well, if it’s not too much trouble, I was hoping you could do the same thing to him—only times a jillion.