You have to be careful when you mention a person or group's race. There are certain rules or standards that determine what is and isn't politically correct. You can't just go around saying things like, "Remember that black guy who used to live next door to us?" Referring to someone as "that black guy" isn't politically correct. It's very important to follow the rules of PC.
Let's start off with black people. When you're talking about black people, first of all, don't call them "black people." That's not politically correct. Well, actually, it is politically correct. Sort of. Not quite. Maybe. It depends.
But when you're talking about people who are sometimes referred to as "black," you have to be careful.
I'm almost afraid to offer commentary on this topic. Because I could get in trouble for a PC violation. If I violate PC law, that could really hurt my career. Especially when it comes to this.
You have to be careful when it comes to the blacks. By the way, don't call them "the blacks." I don't know why I called them that. Oh--and don't refer to them as "them," either. I'll get into all of that later.
But again, when you approach any topic that might have to do with people who are sometimes referred to as "black," you have to be careful. There are 123,524 rules of political corectness, and 72,102 of them have to do with black people. Or as I like to call them, "African-Americans." Because I'm very PC. As you can tell.
But I actually don't use the term "African-American," either. For two reasons. First of all, if you use it, you might end up calling a black French guy an African American. Even though he's French. Not American.
And even if someone is American, it's still kind of weird to call him an African-American. When you say that, it sounds like you're too into race. It sounds too PC to be PC. The term African-American isn't politically correct. Even though it is. It's the "offical" PC term. But it's not PC.
It's kind of like how the world of stock analysts works. Stock analysts tell us how much they think a company is going to make over the next year. But everyone in Wall Street knows that those projections aren't the real projections. Five analysts might be saying, "We expect Microsoft to make $1 per share this year." So that's the official number. But then there's what's known as a "whisper number." The whisper number is what Wall Street really thinks Microsoft will make. The analysts are saying $1, but the whisper number might be $1.25. That's the real number. Not analysts' "expectations" of $1.
The term "African-American" is like those those $1 expectations that you're not supposed to take seriously. "African-American" is the "politically correct" term when it comes to people who are sometimes referred to as "black." But it's not really PC.
So don't call them African-American. And as I mentioned earlier, don't refer to them as "them." I have to stop doing that. But again, "African-American" isn't really PC. It's better to call African-Americans "black." "Black" is preferable to "African-American." So use the term "black." But don't actually use the term black. Because black isn't PC, either.
Don't say "black" or "African-American." Here's what you should say: "appropriately tanned." Black people are "appropriately tanned." And white people are "undertanned." That's what I call them.
The other day, a police officer was interviewing me about something I saw. He asked me to describe two people. One was appropriately tanned, and the other was undertanned. So I said, "The first guy was appropriately tanned, and in his late twenties."
Notice how I didn't call him an "appropriately tanned American." Don't add the "American" unless you're sure it fits. Because again, you can't make that assumption. An appropriately tanned person might be European. There are plenty of appropriately tanned people in Europe. So I said, "The first guy was appropriately tanned, and in his late twenties." And I gave his height in meters. Because again, I didn't want to assume he wasn't European.
So I said, "He was three meters tall." And the officer said, "You know what? Just give it to me in feet." At first I though he was Europhobic, but now I realize that it was because I gave him the wrong figure. I think I meant two meters. But anwyays, the officer asked for the measurement in feet, and I said, "He was six European feet tall."
Then he asked me about the other man. And I said, "He was an undertanned American in his early thirties. Six American feet tall."
So I said all of that. I'm surprised the policeman didn't give me a PC award.
But sometimes, even I'm not sure how to be PC. If you want to be PC, identifying people can get a little tricky at times. People put us in situations where we have to point out who someone is, and sometimes we might not know what's politically correct.
Let's say you're at work, and you tell your coworker Tom something about your coworker Mike. But there are two Mikes at your office, and Tom asks you, "Which Mike are you talking about?" Don't say "the black Mike." Don't even say "the appropriately tanned Mike." That's probably not PC, either. So don't say "the black Mike" or "the appropriately tanned Mike." Just change the subject. Start talking about something else. Or say something like, "I don't know which Mike's which."
It's also usually a good idea to bring up Martin Luther King. So say, "I didn't notice which Mike it was. I was too focused on Martin Luther King."
Oh--I forgot to mention. Appropriately tanned people might not be from America or Europe. They might be from Africa. It's possible. I don't know why I forgot to mention that. Plenty of appropriately tanned people are African.
So there's another reason why I don't like the term African-American. If you start calling appropriately tanned people that, you might call an appropriately tanned African person an African-American. That's a major PC violation. That'll make you sound like you're in the KKK.
Oh--and about the meter thing. I just did some research. A meter is 3.1 feet. I was thinking 2.2 when I gave my description to the police, But apparently, that's pounds in a kilogram. 2.2 pounds per kilogram. 3.1 feet per meter. I mixed up the two.
But let's get back to appropriately tanned people.
This goes without saying. Don't use the term "negro." Unless you're referring to the United Negro College Fund. That's the only exception I can think of. And don't say "colored." Even though NAACP stands for National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. No one ever says what those letters stand for.
And like I got into earlier, don't call appropriately tanned people "the blacks." Donald Trump did that a while ago. He said, "I have a great relationship with the blacks. I've always had a great rleationship with the blacks." What a lunatic. If you're not going to say "appopriately tanned," at least don't say "the blacks." And if you do say it, don't repeat it.
And don't say "you people" or "those people." Donald Trump is lucky he didn't say that. That's even worse than "the blacks." Don't say "you people" or "those people." As a matter of fact, you should say "we" when you're referring to appropriately tanned people. Even if you're not appropriately tanned. Say "we." People might not know what you're talking about. But it doesn't matter. Say something like, "We've been the target of racial profiling." And then later on, let everyone know that you were referring to appropriately tanned people. And then they'll point out how you're not appropriately tanned. But don't worry about it. Just do what I'm saying. Believe me. I know what I'm talking about. I'm an expert.
Mel Gibson should do that. He should refer to himself as an appropriately tanned Jew. He should say something like, "We--the Anti-Defamation League and the NAACP--need to be more active." That's what Mel Gibson should say if he wants to get on people's good side. He should refer to himself as part of those groups.
OK. Now let's get into Orientals. You can't call Orientals "Orientals," you can't call Chinamen "Chinamen," and you definitely can't call non-Chinese Orientals "Chinamen." So the next time you come across an Oriental, keep in mind that he's not Oriental. He's Asian. So the next time you come across an Asian--not an Oriental--don't call him a Chinaman. And again, don't even call a Chinese person a Chinaman. If you come across a legitimate Chinese person, just call him a Chinese person. And if you come across a Japanman, first of all, he's not a Japanman. He's a Japanese person. Don't refer to him as a Chinese person, and definitely don't refer to him as a Chinaman.
So again, no Orientals, no Chinamen, no Japanmen. And don't equate Orientals with Chinamen. But don't call them Orientals. Or Chinamen. Even if they're Chinese, don't call them Chinamen. Or Orientals. There are no Oriental people. There are Oriental things. A fortune cookie is Oriental. The guy who makes it isn't Oriental. Even if he's from the Orient.
So that does it for Asians. Let's move on to Hispanic people. Here's the main rule: You can assume that a Hispanic person is Chilean, but you can't assume he's Mexican. [You:] "Are you Chilean?" [Him:] "No--I'm Mexican." That's OK. In fact, it makes you seem very PC and informed. I mean, who the hell else would walk up to a person and say, "Are you Chilean?"
So you can call people Chilean, even in you have no idea if they're from Chile. In fact, you should call people Chilean as frequently as possible.
But don't walk up to some guy and say, "Are you Mexican?", only to have him reply, "No--I'm Chilean." That's a major violation. You'll get at least a 15 yard penalty for that. I think you'll get a 30 yard penalty. You'll get an automatic loss. If you call a Chilean person Mexican, you're in big trouble, buddy.
So just call everyone Chilean. If you're describing someone, say "I think he's Chilean. He might be from one of those other Mexican countries. But I think he's from Chile."
But don't refer to those other Mexican countries as "Mexican countries." Because they're not. They're not Mexican countries. Mexico is just one of the many countries where people speak Spanish. Spain is the original one. They're the ones that started it all. Spain conquered a lot of Mexican countries hundreds of years ago. Although before Spain conquered them, they weren't Mexican countries. They were Indian countries. And even after Spain conquered them, they weren't Mexican countries. Except for Mexico itself. By the way, you can call Mexico a Mexican country.
OK. So those are some rules when talking about appropriately tanned people, Asians, and Chileans. And again, someone doesn't have to be from Chile in order for you to call him Chilean. He doesn't even have to be Hispanic. You can call an appropriately tanned person Chilean. It's politically correct. In fact, if someone asks you which Mike you're talking about, just say "the Chilean Mike."
OK. Now let me get into celebrities and PC violations. I guess if you're not a celebrity, this might not have that much relevance to you. But then again, most people are interested in almost eveything that has to do with celebrities. Any time Britney Spears takes out her garbage, US Magazine does a four page pictorial about it. So I guess even if you're not a celebrity, this might be intersting. In fact, it should really boost my book sales.
Before I get started, let me just say that I love appropriately tanned people, Jews, homosexuals, etc. You have to say that. To avoid getting in trouble.
Celebrities like me have to watch out. (By the way--I'm a celebrity. Just take my word for it.) A lot of celebrities get in trouble for accidentally saying bad things about those groups. Every once in a while, some actor, musician, comedian, etc. says something he obviously shouldn't have said. And that can really ruin a career.
I should provide a service for celebrities. I should attach a microphone and remote control taser to their body. I'll listen to everything they say. And if they're about to offer their commentary on appropriately tanned people, Jews, homosexuals, etc., I'll use my remote control to tase them. A comedian will be on stage and say, "If my son were a homosexual..." And then all of a sudden, smoke will be coming out of his head. Courtesy of my celebrity tasing service.
I think it'll get a lot of customers. Being tased is better than being blacklisted. I'll put that in my commercials.
That sounds like a good idea. I think I'm going to make a lot of money with it. I can't actually do it all myself, though. I don't really have the time. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't be able to take listening to a celebrity run his mouth all day about champagne temperatures, fitness trainers, pet clothing, etc. After a few hours of that, I'd probably end up tasing myself.
I'll have to outsource everything to Indians. I'll run the business, and have a team of Indians doing all of the listening and tasing. Is that politically correct? I think it is. What's wrong with giving jobs to people in India?
But I won't outsource the Mel Gibson job. I'll handle that one myself. That sounds like fun. I'll listen to everything Mel has to say. I won't even wait for him to say something inappropriate. I'll just taze him all day.
But I guess it's too late for people like Mel Gibson and Michael Richards. They didn't sign up for my service. I didn't taze them in time. And they ended up with major PC violations.
But I can still make them likable again. I also offer that service. Even if a celebrity ends up commiting a PC violation like those two guys did, he can win back public support. The same goes for non-celebrities.
If you accidentally say something bad about appropriately tanned people, Muslims, Chileans, Jews, homosexuals, etc., just follow it up by saying anything postive you can think of about that group. For two hours. That's not an exaggeration. Don't stop. Just go on for two hours about how great that group is.
I think Kramer could've gotten way with saying the n-word by doing that. Right after his n-word rant, he should've said, "George Washington Carver was the greatest inventor in human history..." and then continued for two hours.
If you're a celebrity and you find yourself in a situation like Kramer's, just put out a two hour infomercial, and spend the entire time talking about great appropriately tanned scientists, inventors, leaders, etc. And make sure you also let everyone know about your appropriately tanned friends. But don't mention that anyone's appropriately tanned. For instance, if you're Michael Richards, just put out an infomercial special titled "Michael Richards and Friends Present: Great People Througout History." And make 95% of the people appropriately tanned--without mentioning anything about race. And even though it's a paid program, show commericals for the NAACP. And then at the end of the show, adopt an appropriately tanned child.
That'll repair your image. So Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Don Imus--call me up. I'll put together a PR campaign for $100,000 plus expenses. I'm pretty sure it'll work. By the end of your informercial, Al Sharpton will call and apologize to you. "Michael Richards. I'm sorry."