Oprah Winfrey is the most powerful person in the world. She has too much power. It's un American. I mean, what ever happened to checks and balances? Maybe we should pass an amendment that limits her power.
And it's not just her telling us what to do. She's so powerful that she can just point at someone, and then we'll do what that person says. "Dr. Phil wants us to do this. Dr. Oz wants us to do that." "OK."
Oprah could take a random crackhead on the street and turn him into a celebrity doctor. "It's Doctor Crack. Dr. Crack wants us to scratch ourselves." "OK." (By the way, Oprah--if you use that idea, I want an Executive Producer credit. I'm an Executive Producer of the Dr. Crack Show.)
Oprah's so powerful that she chose our president. It was her choice. That's how things work nowadays. Well, everyone else kind of has a say, too--but it's like Oprah has 200 electoral votes. So if you can get Oprah, California, and Florida, you've got it made.
Can you imagine some old time presidential candidate trying to get the Oprah vote? Imagine Lincoln's campaign manager saying something like, "OK. This is how we're going to win. We need to go for good old fashioned American values. Let the people know what kind of a man you are and what you stand for. And, we need to buy Oprah a closet full of purses and shoes."
I'll bet Obama did something like that. Apparently, he spent $800 million on his campaign. I'll bet half of it went to Oprah's purse and shoe collection. That's what it takes to become President nowadays. You want to be President, you have to be a celebrity. You want to be a celebrity, you have to get the Oprah endorsement. You want to get the Oprah endorsement, you have to buy her some shoes.
There's a good chance Newt Gingrich's campaign manager is actually a shoe shopper. Because Newt is a good politician. He knows what it takes to get elected.
But anyways, Oprah chose Barack Obama. When she gave him her endorsement, he was just a longshot candidate. But she just pointed at him, called him Dr. Obama, and that was it. He went from nobody, to celebrity, to President.
Even Obama couldn't believe he won. He thought he was just setting up a run in 2012 or 2016. [Obama:] "What? I won? What do you mean I won?" [Assistant:] "Sir--you won the election. You're President." [Obama:] "Get out of here." [Assistant:] "Sir--what's your first order of business?" [Obama:] "Let's send Oprah a gift basket. And a jet. Filled with shoes."
I'll bet even Oprah couldn't believe it. Even she was surprised she decided a Presidential Election. She didn't actually expect Obama to win.
Here's what I think happened. She was at some sort of a gathering of the world's wealthiest and most powerful people. It was her, George Soros, Bill Gates, etc. And she was piss drunk, and bragging to everyone. "I can do anything. Anything at all. I'm the most powerful person in the world. You guys are nothing compared to me. I can turn a crack addict into a celebrity doctor. I did it with Dr. Crack. And Dr. Phil."
And she got into it with Bill Gates. And Bill showed his stats. "Look at how many Windows users I have." And Opah said, "You can't even get people to go to your website. They prefer Google, Yahoo, MySpace, and Facebook."
And then Bill Gates said, "I'll bet you can't choose our President." And Oprah replied, "I'll bet I can. Just choose anyone in the top 10. I'll get that person to win."
So Bill Gates pulled out his laptop, and he came across Barack Obama. "Barack Hussein Obama. OK. Good. His Godfather was a communist. And his spiritual advisor is an anti-American segregationist."
And at that point, Bill was sold. "OK. I've got all three bases. I can tie him to Islam, racism, and communism." He thought it was a sure thing.
Then the next morning, Oprah got up. "Oh--did I make that bet with Bill Gates? What the hell was I thinking?" She was going to call him and try to get out of it. But then he called her up. [Bill Gates:] "Good luck getting Hussein Obama elected."
He pissed Oprah off. Let that be a lesson. Don't piss Oprah off. Bill Gates better watch out. If he crosses that line again, Oprah might destroy his entire computer empire. [Oprah:] "Ladies and gentleman. Say hello to your new operating system. Dr. Linux!"
So Oprah went ahead and got Obama elected. [Oprah:] "Ladies and gentleman. Say hello to your next President. Dr. Obama!"
And I'll bet the second Obama won, Oprah was in a room by herself, looking at her hands and thinking, "Oh my God! I can get anyone to do anything! ... Who do I want to have killed?"
Well, she can get anyone to do anything, but she can't get her boyfriend to propose. So ladies--let that be a lesson to you.