What's up, Obama? I don't know if you've been reading my blog, but I'm a big fan of yours. But the thing is, I don't really like your chances of being reelected. If you want to win in 2012, you need to start doing some crazy shit.
Like Bill Clinton. How did he win reelection by a landslide? He did all kinds of stuff. Like he played the saxophone. And he did all this crazy laughing when he was with Putin. He was all like, "I don't even give a shit, man. That shit was funny. I'm laughing, dude." He just went all out. People like that.
And he had sex with Monica Lewinsky, and everyone said, "Dude--this guy is freaking cool. He's like Vince Vaughn. We have to reelect him!" And he didn't just like sleep with her. He lied about it. He was all like, "I didn't sleep with that woman. You guys don't have shit on me." And everyone was like, "Man, this guy is like Vince Vaughn or something. We have to reelect him and see what happens next. It's going to be really entertaining. It's going to be like a four year Vince Vaughn movie. For free."
So he totally kicked ass in that election. He beat Eisenhower. Dude--do you know how many people love Eisenhower? That was after the Persian Gulf victory. Everyone was like, "I like Ike--but I like Bill more."
So yeah man, you got to do some shit like that.
Or look at George W. Bush. How did he win reelection? Same shit, man. Ge showed up to work drunk or high, and people were like, "This guy is crazy, dude!" He rode around on a horse like some cowboy. And what else? He did a lot of shit. He gave that European woman a back rub, just like out of nowhere. Come on dude--that's freaking crazy. That's why I voted for him. And I'm not even a Republican. But I had to do it.
And he danced with those African people. He was like, "I don't give a shit dude, I feel like dancing. And I'm going to hit some drums."
So you got to seriously consider doing that. Put together a scandal or something. Cheat on your wife, dude. Seriously. It'll totally boost your odds.
Or instead of smoking in private, just pull out a cigarette right in public, in the middle of a State of the Union address. Light it up and be like, "Yeah, man. I'm smoking. That's what I do. I'm Barack Obama." And at the same time, say something about how we should stop smoking--while you're smoking. People will love that shit, dude. That's a really good idea.
It doesn't have to be a cigarette. Just pull out a blunt and be like, "I have diplomatic immunity, man. You guys can't do shit." Like Lethal Weapon 2. You probably know what I'm talking about.
Dude--you should be like a combination of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover. People would totally eat that up man. But not Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in real life. Their characters, Riggs and Murtaugh. You know. Be all like, "Yeah, man--I'm going to commit suicide! Do you know what I'm saying? I'm going to freaking blow my brains out!" And people will be like, "Damn, man--what's going to happen, dude?" You know--it'll create suspense. And they'll definitely vote for you again. Like, "We got to renew this shit, man. I need to know if President Murtaugh or Riggs or Obama is going to blow his brains out."
They'll definitely reelect you then, dude. That's a really good idea.
But if you want me to be your campaign manager and stuff, I just can't do it. I'm really busy, man. I mean, I'm not busy or anything--but I'm just too lazy to do all that shit, man. I don't want to go all the way to Washington and stuff.
If you want to come by here, that's cool, dude. I don't know. It's up to you, dude. But get back to me. OK.