The Truth About Barack Obama

Most of you already know that Barack Obama is a neo-Buddhist dolphin-like blood-sucking tree-eating plutonium-based alien from the pancake-shaped planet Rockabaum333.666. And some of you might know that his mind is being controlled by a computer chip developed and implanted by Vladimir Lenin’s third generation clone Kojo Vanderbilt. And a few of you might know that Vanderbilt’s mind was being controlled by a superintelligent mini giant beaked whale hypnotist genetically engineered by Burt Lancaster. And one or two of you might know that the whale’s mind was being controlled by a chip developed by Barack Obama himself.

But here’s something I’m sure you don’t know: You’re Barack Obama!

And I mean that literally, and not in some sort of New Age spiritual mumbo jumbo sense.

You’re not you! You’re Barack Hussein Obama, 44th President of the United States.

I mean, think about it: You and Barack Obama have never appeared in the same place at the same time. You’ve never been spotted shaking hands, eating tacos together, playing on a see-saw, or square dancing. We’ve either seen you or Barack Obama—but we’ve never seen you and Barack Obama. And why? Because you are Barack Obama.

So the next time you complain about the economy, our international policies, gay marriage laws, bailouts, taxes, or health care, complain to yourself, and not some fantasy Obama who doesn’t even exist.

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