The Library: Revised and Condensed
1 million BC News Written in Dirt - Man Puts Hand in Fire, Says 'Ow!'
950,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Jim Jackson Builds House
949.999 BC News Written in Dirt - Kate Jackson Remodels House
949.997 BC News Written in Dirt - Kate Jackson Remodels House Again
949,996 BC News Written in Dirt - Jim Jackson Divorces Kate Jackson
900,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Asks, 'Who Created the Universe?'
899,999 BC News Written in Dirt - Scientists Still Trying to Figure Out Who Created the Universe
899,998 BC News Written in Dirt - Tom Smith Says, 'I Created the Universe.'
899,997 BC News Written in Dirt - Tom Smith Dies
899,996 BC News Written in Dirt - Scientists Conclude the Gods Created the Universe
899,995 BC News Written in Dirt - Scientists Sacrificed to Gods
800,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Bill Smith and Thomas Ford Fight Over Land
799,999 BC News Written in Dirt - 276 People Die in Smith-Ford War
799,998 BC News Written in Dirt - The Smith-Ford War: Was it Worth It?
799,968 BC News Written in Dirt - Bill Smith, Jr. and Thomas Ford, Jr. Fight Over Land
799,967 BC News Written in Dirt - 421 People Die in Smith-Ford War II
750,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Asks, 'How Big is the World?'
749,999 BC News Written in Dirt - Exploration Team Sets Out to Measure the World
749,998, BC News Written in Dirt - 'The World is Really, Really Big,' Says Returning Exploration Team
650,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Asks, 'How Old is the World?'
649,999 BC News Written in Dirt - World Tells Man to Stop Asking Questions
600,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Buys Walnuts, Sells Them for Profit
559,999 BC News Written in Dirt - Nuts N Stuff Reports Annual Net Income of $300
500,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Wears Fig Leaves Instead of Eating Them
499,999 BC News Written in Dirt - Armani Marks Up Fig Leaves 1000%
450,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Hundreds of People Argue for Hours and Hours
449,999 BC News Written in Dirt - World Forms Republican and Democratic Parties
400,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Breaks Leg After Jumping Off Tree and Flapping Arms
350,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Sick Man Cured by 'Rub Dog Urine on Your Face' Treatment
300,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Heats Food with Fire
299.999 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Heats a Lot of Food with Fire, Invites Friends and Family
200,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Makes Mistake, Blames Other Man
150,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Says He's Only Willing to Pee in Private
100,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Obesity Rate Hovers at 0.001%
90,000 BC New Written in Dirt - Sharp Sticks Inc. and Hard Rocks Corp. Agree to Merger
80,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Removes Hair from Face, Looks Like Little Girl
70,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Why Is It So %&*#ing Cold?
60,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Draws Pictures of Naked Women; Feminists Outraged
50.000 BC News Written in Dirt - Fart of the Gods Causes Earth to Shake
30,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Rain Dance Results in Rain
29,999 BC News Written in Dirt - Rain Dance Results in Drought
29,998 BC News Written in Dirt - New Rain Dance Results in Rain
20,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Dick Clark Counts Down the New Year
15,000 BC News Written in Dirt - Bud Miller Invents Crazy Bubbly Juice
14,997 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Pees for Three Minutes Straight
10,000 BC News Written in Dirt - 'Universe Will Disappear Next Year' Says Local Scientist
9999 BC News Written in Dirt - Local Scientist Disappears-Universe Still Here
9000 BC News Written in Dirt - Herding Stocks Up, Hunting Stocks Down
8000 BC News Written in Dirt - Farming Stocks Up, Gathering Stocks Down
7000 BC News Written in Dirt - Metal Stocks Up, Stone Stocks Down
6000 BC News Written in Dirt - Obesity Rate Skyrockets to 0.03%
5000 BC News Written in Dirt - Mankind Develops Writing
4500 BC News Written in Dirt - Man Invents Wheel
4499 BC News Written in Dirt - Thomas Edison Takes Credit for Wheel
1/12/4000 BC News Written in Caves - Woman Eats Apple, Destroys the World as We Know It
3/5/3500 BC Mesopotamia Metro Daily - Many People End Up in Same Place, Form World's First City
8/7/2277 BC News Written in Caves - Huge Flood Kills Most of Us
5/8/1247 BC Egypt Phree Press - Pharaoh Organizes Frog Eating Contest
6/30/405 BC Greek Gazette - Hippocrates Prescribes Rest and Healthy Food for 10,000th Time
9/16/200 BC News Written on Bamboo - Critic Calls Great Wall of China 'So-So'
2/18/77 BC Bethlehem Today - Confused Man Claims to be the Next Coming of Jesus
0/0/0 Bethlehem Today - Y0K Kills 973,000 People
4/05/30 Cana Courier - Man in Sandals Turns Water into Wine
4/06/30 Cana Courier - Water Stocks Up, Wine Stocks Down
11/29/312 Rome Review - Constantine Credits the 'Do Unto Others Guy' with Military Victory
12/13/1098 What's Up, Europe? - Crusaders Do Unto Others Until Others Are Dead
2/28/1193 Far East Focus - Deluded Mongolian Guy Claims He's Going to Take Over the World
8/17/1492 Ocean Blue Courier - Mismarked Compass Causes Columbus to Go the Wrong Way
4/7/1492 Portugal Daily Post - Compass Manufacturer Wants Credit for Discovery
11/3/1512 Vatican View - Michelangelo Paints Ceiling
11/28/1512 Vatican View - Thousands of Italians Suffer from Neck Strain
2/7/1513 Rome Reporter - Da Vinci Sketches the 'World Wide Web'
4/8/1790 Pennsylvania Evening Post - Pennsylvania To Vote Against Article II
12/16/1791 Pennsylvania Evening Post - If You Get Shot, Don't Blame Pennsylvania
4/11/1876 USA To-day - Bell Invents Telephone
4/12/1876 USA To-day - Jewish Mother Tells Son to 'Call Me As Soon as You Get There'
5/15/1877 USA To-day - Elisha Gray Crank Calls Bell
6/3/1891 (London) Times - Thomas Toilet Patents New Crapper
6/3/1891 (London) Times - Correction: Thomas Crapper Patents New Toilet
11/13/1955 Hill Valley Telegraph - Clock Tower Struck by Lightning
12/3/1955 Montgomery Racist - Troublemaking Negro Leads Bus Boycott
8/20/1963 Montgomery Racist - Troublemaking Negro Gives Speech
1/5/1968 Montgomery Racist - Looks Like We're in Trouble
1/8/1970 Montgomery Racist - OK-We Lost
11/5/2008 Montgomery Racist - We Really Lost
11/6/2008 Montgomery Racist - At Least He's Half White
A History of the Future
US Weekly
Cosmo
PreTeen Girl
News
Fox News / MSNBC