Earth changes course, begins revolving around Kanye West’s ego
“Hell is closing in on us,” concludes global warming study
President spends all Sunday watching football
Christianity and Islam agree to merger
Buddhism acquires Sikhism
Judaism acquires News Corp.
California declares war on Nevada
Salvation Army declares war on Red Cross
Man who says “either” declares war on man who says “eye-ther”
Iran declares war on rest of world
Iran declares war on itself
Iran declares war on the electron
WAR declares war on Earth, Wind & Fire
Bigfoot claims to have seen the Loch Ness monster
President opens door
Bill Gates goes berserk in Apple store, smashes computers with sledgehammer
Man pees on modem, causes worldwide internet malfunction
New IV-Tunes device injects music directly into bloodstream
Study shows that study doesn’t show anything
Scientists develop low carb carbohydrates, low cal calories, and food free food
Scientists find link between money and wealth
Scientific study shows that scientific method is unscientific
Nothing happens in Wyoming
Man gets up and goes to bed early, does not become healthy, wealthy, or wise
Man eats an apple a day, keeps the doctor away
New “Apple a Day” healthcare plan to save country $2.6 trillion annually
Man breathes air
Government replaces US Dollar with Pokemon cards
President disapproves of his approval rating
Satan claims Hell is actually “a lot of fun”
President divorces wife, marries Britney Spears