Merry Christmas?

Last year, some Christian asshole wished me a "Merry Christmas"--which is pretty much the most offensive thing I've ever heard in my life (aside from "Praise the Lord," "Vote for Palin," "Bush isn't a terrorist," and "No--I don't want an abortion").

I've owned this book for four years, and used it on numerous occasions. One day I plan on actually reading it.

As you might imagine, I immediately pulled out my air horn and honked it in his motherfucking face before he could even finish saying "Christmas," and I beat the shit out of him with my hardcover copy of The God Delusion.

I then spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day driving around in a rented hybrid (--I go all out during Christmas--), blasting Muslim music on its speakers, and using my megaphone to tell kids that there is no Santa--or God.

I ended up getting into a fight with the father of some child I educated--which caused him (and not me) to go to jail (even though I started the fight with a God Delusion hardcover blow to his motherfucking head). His kids ended up spending their Christmas without their beloved Christmas-loving daddy, and with the knowledge that Santa Claus doesn't exist. I even hung out outside of their home for a few hours, and used a spy microphone device to hear them crying about the "man who killed Christmas and put daddy in jail." As you might imagine, I was very happy to free a couple of kids of their crazy religious delusions. (Making children cry due to some new knowledge is almost as satisfying as telling a woman she's gained weight--which is something I do very often. After all, if I don't tell them, how will they know?)

All in all, it was a very Merry... um, Holiday.

But don't you dare say "Happy Holidays" to me, either. I find that even more offensive than "Merry Christmas." After all, it acknowledges the existence of Hanukkah. (By the way, I'm not anti-Semitic--I just hate Israel.)