I have a serious feud with McDonald's.
For starters, they stop serving breakfast way too early. Like they're trying to mess up my sleep. I have to set my alarm just to get there on time--as if I'm in the army or something. I didn't sign up for this. I'm not trying to join the McMilitary. I'm not trying to be all I can be. I just want an egg McMuffin at 12:33. Is that too much to ask for, Ronald?
It's like they're going out of their way to get me up early. Maybe Ronald McDonald thinks he's some sort of dictator.
My stepdad used to get me up early, too. And he did that for no reason. I hate that son of a bitch. He used to get me up at 6 a.m. every day. Even on Saturdays. I should pay him a visit. At 6 a.m. on a Saturday. I haven't seen a 6 a.m. in years--but I'll get up that early just to wake his ass up. Actually, he'll probably be up. I'll get there at 4:30 a.m. I won't even go to sleep that night. I'll go to McDonald's at 4 a.m., eat a few egg McMuffins, and then beat Ronald's McDonald's ass. And then I'll take his shoe, and head on down to my stepdad's house. At 4:30 a.m. And I'll beat the crap out of him with Ronald's shoe. That sounds like a good idea. I'll do it on Father's Day.
But this isn't about my son of a bitch stepdad. It's about McDonald's.
Maybe they're some sort of a cult. They try to get you in there early, when you're most susceptible to their brainwashing.
Just sell me some food, assholes. Don't tell me when to get up and when to eat breakfast.
But that's not it. I was in there a few days ago, and I ordered an extra value with an extra chicken sandwich--as in one extra value meal and one sandwich. And they charged me full price for the second sandwich! That's not right. They should extend the extra value meal discount to the second sandwich. That's basic McMathematics as far as I'm concerned. If you give me 30% off the extra value meal, you have to give me 30% off the second sandwich.
Discount (sandwich 1 + side order 1 + drink 1 + sandwich 2)
Because it's like I'm ordering one and a half meals. You can't give me inferior value when I order more food. That's like a volume surcharge.
As you might imagine, I had a serious talk with the manager about their absurd pricing, and I asked for a discounted second sandwich. But she said, "No. We don't do that. If you want to get 30% off the second sandwich, you have to order a second extra value meal."
A second extra value meal! That's really what she said. What the hell am I going to do with a second Coca Cola! Am I supposed to pour one over my head? What the hell was that lady thinking by even mentioning that? Is that what they teach at Hamburger University? Are they trying to sell multiple sodas to people who are entitled to free refills?
So I just ordered one extra value meal--and that messed up my nutritional balance. I'm trying to maintain a two sandwich per French fry ratio--and McDonald's is working against that. That's why we have all of these health care problems in America. It's because of McDonald's and their inflexible pricing.