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I love Whole Foods Market. Sometimes I stand near the soy foods section for several hours, just to soak up the Whole Foods tofu goodness. And if I ever decide to have any children (which is pretty unlikely considering how I'm looking for any reason to abort anything--except, of course, a cat fetus.), I'll make sure he/she is born in a Whole Foods produce section. I mean, nothing could be cleaner than the inside of a Whole Foods Market--including a hospital room. (After all, I've never seen a hospital with organic walls.)
Whenever I play Socialist Monopoly (--the game where everyone makes a comfortable living--especially the unemployed illegal immigrants--), I replace Park Place with Whole Foods market. (Boardwalk is Richard Dawkins's toilet. And jail is a Billy Ray Cyrus concert.)
McDonald's, on the other hand, is to me what Satan is to a Christian fundamentalist. (Although to be honest, a Christian fundamentalist is also to me what Satan is to a Christian Fundamentalist. Islamic fundamentalists are OK, though.) I hate McDonald's with all my heart, all my might, and all the piss I spray all over their Men's Room walls and floors on a regular basis.
Of course, I never eat there. But I do a lot of ordering. In fact, every time I pass by a McDonald's, I go in and order a tofu burger, just to piss Ronald & Co. off.
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
"One organic tofu non-dairy cheeseburger on whole wheat wheat-free bread, with a side of organic spinach and a grande acai juice. And put everything in a reusable bag made of hemp and recycled cat feces. Oh--and where's your outlet? I want to recharge my electric vehicle."
It's time for the government to turn all McDonald's restaurant into Whole Foods Markets. And while they're at it, they should give every person in the country $1,000 a month in Whole Foods Market health food stamps. Except for illegal immigrants. They should get $2,000 a month. After all, they're hungrier than the rest of us.
Copyright 2010 Rodney Ohebsion