Marijuana is the Cure

Obama and Marijuana: The greatest combination of anything in all of human history

Marijuana is the cure. I don't care what your problem is--just smoke some marijuana, and everything will be alright. Do you have cancer? Smoke marijuana. Do you have hepatitis? Smoke marijuana. Are you overweight? Smoke marijuana. Are you underweight? Smoke marijuana.

Is your car having problems? Lift the hood and blow some marijuana smoke into the engine. Do you want an abortion? Just smoke some weed and it'll take care of everything. Unless, of course, you don't want an abortion, in which case the marijuana will make your baby healthier. Although to be honest, if you don't want an abortion, there's definitely something wrong with you. And marijuana will take care of that.

We all should smoke it in a box. We all should smoke it with a fox. We all should smoke it here or there. We all should smoke it everywhere. And yes--I really mean everywhere. Especially at your three year old daughter's birthday party.

It's natural. Nature put it here. It's as natural as a tree or a hurricane. How the hell can it be bad?

Marijuana is the greatest gift Nature has given to man. In fact, the existence of marijuana is the reason I'm only 99.9% sure God doesn't exist.

What the hell am I saying? Of course he doesn't exist. After all, if there were a God, he'd probably be some uptight conservative who'd get rid of the world's marijuana.

In fact, now that I think of it, marijuana is the ultimate proof that God doesn't exist.

If I were a doctor, I'd do nothing but prescribe marijuana all day. And if I were the Surgeon General, I'd make the government keep huge bundles of weed burning at all times throughout the country. And if I were President, I'd remove all of the fluoride from our water and replace it with THC. And if I were the Buddha, I'd reincarnate myself as a marijuana plant.

If anyone has anything negative to say about marijuana, it's because he's been brainwashed. Like this asshole:

Unfortunately, that asshole is me. Or it was me. I went a full 48 hours without smoking marijuana, and I became susceptible to the world's anti-marijuana propaganda.