"Offending people is a necessary and healthy act. Every time you say something that's offensive to another person, you just caused a discussion. You just forced them to have to think." Thank you for that, Louis. There's a guy on my block who swears at old ladies, kicks dogs, watched porn with the volume turned all the way up, and offers plenty of commentary on Puerto Ricans. Good for him. "Blasting porn on your speakers and calling Puerto Ricans 'the scum of the earth' are two necessary and healthy acts. Every time you offend people by doing that, you just caused a discussion. You just forced them to have to think." This is the Louis era. We're on the verge of making thousands of breakthroughs. After all, Louis is an offensive son of a bitch--and that's making us think. It's too bad Bob Hope and Jack Benny didn't do rape jokes. Otherwise, Einstein would've done way more thinking, and invented the iPhone in 1949. How come Louis's pedophilia jokes aren't studied by Buddhists? That's what I want to know. Don't they realize that's the path to enlightenment?
The great comedian recipe. 1. Be Louis. 2. Take a joke. 3. Add "kick her in the cunt." For example: "Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. I hate 6, 7, 8, and 9. I'd like to kick all 4 of them in the in the cunt. Especially 8. Look at 8--with that cunty criss cross thing it has in the middle. And it's divisible by cunty numbers like 1, 2, and 4. I hate 8 so much, I want to kick its cunt in the cunt. 8 is a bigger asshole than my 2 daughters. I hope 8 dies. I really do. And do you want to know what I really can't stand about 8? It always complains about its cell phone. it should be happy it has a cell phone. It's a freakin' digit! And it has an iPhone. But it's all like, 'This camera's photo quality is crappy. And I hate Verizon.' Fuck 8 and its white number problems. Do you think numbers in Pakistan have cell phones? Pakistani numbers don't even have clean drinking water."
The best thing abous Louis is that he also gives us social commentary and history lessons.
The world is a store, and whiteness is the only credit card it accepts. Don't leave home without your Master-Race Mastercard. When white people take a time machine to the year 2, they get a five course meal on the house. When a black guy goes back to 2, they're told, "Here's a mop. Here's a hair net. Get to work. And at the end of the day, we'll kick your wife in the cunt." Black people don't want to travel back to the year 2. Black people are afraid of three things: the police, sickle-cell anemia, and time machines. Police Academy is a black man's Friday the 13th--and Back to the Future is a black man's Nightmare on Elm Street. As long as a black man travels to any time before Sasha Obama's 2049 inauguration, it's a racist nightmare on every street.
OK. Now allow me to offer my retort. Retortically speaking, would Louis's whiteness and his material get him far in the year 2? Um... Here's Louis in 2. He's in a white society or a non-wtite society. Either one. He's doing his act. And two minutes into it, some guy is putting a harpoon through his white heart. And the next day, Louis's corpe is being served as the white meat special. And he's sold a grand total of zero $5 downloads.
As for me, I'd gladly pay $5,000 to send Louis to the year 2. Robert Zemeckis--get on it. Back to the Future IV, starring Louis as Marty, Rodney Ohebsion as Biff, Jerry as the Doc, and Dave as Mayor Goldie Wilson. No soup for you, Louis. Spoiler alert. My hotel-casino's restaurant ends up serving a "white meat special" containing Louis's butt and head. "Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2. I can go to any time in the past." We'll put that on Louis's tombstone.
Goldy Wilson was a black mayor in 1985. He didn't want to take a time machine back to racist 1955. The alternate title of Back to the Future, is Black People Don't Want to Use Time Machines. Robert Zemeckis co-wrote Louis's joke.
Here's the first phone call ever. Bell called up Watson. "What's up, Watson? Dude--you're never gonna believe this. I'm calling you on a telephone. Yeah--I just finished inventing it." [Watson:] "Whoa! This is unbelivable. It sounds like you're right here in my ear." [Bell:] "I know. But I'm not in your ear." [Watson:] "Where are you?" [Bell:] "I'm in the outhouse, taking a piss." [Watson:] "That's weird. I'm taking a piss, too." [Bell:] "You're pissing in the laboratory?" [Watons:] "Don't worry. I'm using a flask." [Bell:] "Dude--I told you to stop pissing in the flasks." [Watson:] "Bro--I'm totally wasted right now. So uh, how does this phone call thing work? What are we supposed to do?" [Bell:] "Well. You're supposed to talk. And then I'm supposed to talk. And then you're supposed to talk. And then I'm supposed to talk. And when we're ready to stop talking, we're supposed to take our receivers and put them up our asses." [Watson:] "Up our asses?" [Bell:] "Yeah." [Watson:] "Well how about we just put them down, instead of putting them up our asses?" [Bell:] "Well. That's not what I originally envisioned--but I guess that works, too." [Watson:] "Yeah. Because I already got a gerbil up my ass--so I don't have room for anything else." [Bell:] "So how are things?" [Watson:] "Pretty good. My wife is pregnant." [Bell:] "Oh. Congratulations. By the way--you gotta change your phone number. You have too many zeroes in it. I hate waiting for the rotary shit to make those zeroes go through. Like any time I want to call you, I think, 'He's got six zeroes. Fuck that guy. The hell with him and his 000-0001 phone number. I'm gonna call someone else.'" [Watson:] "What the hell are you talking about?" [Bell:] "It's a joke. It would make more sense if you familiarized yourself with the technology. 'Cause a phone has a thing you use to dial numbers." [Watson:] "What numbers? The telephone is a device that transmits sound over distances. There are no numbers I'm aware of." [Bell:] "Dude. I hafe to add numbers, so you won't end up on the phone with the wrong person. You know. If you have no numbers, you might pick up the phone and end up talking to some fat Chinese guy." [Watson:] "Oh. OK. I get. Alright. I guesss I'm done talking to you now. By the way, my gerbil just crawled out, so I have room for the reciever." [Bell:] "Great. Put it up there."
And over a hundred years later, Louis stole Bell's joke about the zeros. He stole the first ever telephone joke. One that was made during the first ever phone call. It's literally the oldest joke in the phonebook.
I don't even have any writers, Louis. How many writers do you have? Even if you don't have any, so what? Regardless of whether it was you who noticed that you're 47 pounds overweight, or it was your writers, it doesn't matter. I have 193 hours of material--and I didn't steal any of it from Back to the Future or Alexander Graham Bell. You think you're a working comedian, Louis? I'm a working comedian. 193 hours. Who's working, Louis? Who's working? I'm also the first comedian ever to integrate a taser into my routine. Either someone laughs, or I tase him. It's one or the other. Do you want to laugh, or do you want to be tased?
I'm gonna send you back to Mexico, Louis. I'm pro Mexican immigration--except in your case. I'm gonna wrap your ass in a burrito, and send you back to Juarez. You'll be a 250 pound burrito--and I'll get a bunch of Mexican kids to beat you like a pinata. I love Mexican comedy like El Chapulin Colorado. But I'll tell you what, Louis. Your last special brought Mexican comedy to a new low. If I want better comedy, I can just go to a Home Depot and hire five workers in the parking lot.
I'm gonna make a biopic of Louis. White People's Cuntish Behavior, and How I'm the White, Overweight Nigger Who Will Change It. By Calling Faggy People Faggots. By the Way--I Hate Most Kids: The Louis Story. That'll make as much money as Chicken and Weed: The Dave Chappelle Story. And let's not forget about Jerry: The More I Talk About Milk, the More Porsches I Can Afford: The Jerry Seinfeld Story.
So Jerry, Dave, and Louis cover cereal, airplanes, marijuana, race, and the word faggot. And of course, I get into parking signs, and how carrots are oranger than oranges. I'm still waiting for my Grammy and TV show.
You ruined my career, Louis. And for what? So you can tell your horseshit jokes. We need more jokes on parking signs, and fewer jokes on whatever the hell you talk about.
Louis is relevant. He goes on relevant people's relevant shows. And one comment of his gets more attention than my irrelevant career.
My agent's shoes aren't worth $4,000. My agent is barefoot and nonexistent. As for Mr. $4,000 shoes, he won't even glance at my works. Nor will his assistant. Nor will his assistant's three year old son. I went to that kid's preschool and gave him one of my movie scripts, and he just buried it in a sandbox without even looking at the title.
I've been shopping my scripts around to Hollywood. I talked to James Cameron. Well, I didn't really talk to him. Because he was unwilling to take my calls. But I talked to James Cameron's assistant. Well, I didn't really talk to him either. Because he was unwilling to take my calls. But I talked to someone. Some guy who was willing to take my calls. Unfortunately, that person's not in the entertainment industry.
But it's not like Hollywood's unwilling to buy my scripts. It's unwilling to read them. No one will so much as look at them. Someone take down that Hollywood sign, and replace it with "No One Wants to Read Your Script. Unless you're James Cameron's cousin." If you walk into Hollywood holding a script, don't expect a director or producer to walk up to you, take your script, and start reading it. That's not the way things work around there. Instead, somebody will say, "Oh--you have a script! Congratulations. Now we're going to exile you for being one of the countless number of assholes who have the audacity to try and waste our time with a scrip that we're not gonna read. Now if you'll excuse us, we need to go film a remake of Tootsie starring Nick Cannon. Read our city's sign. 'No One Wants to Read Your Script. Unless you're James Cameron's cousin.'"
How can I convince James Cameron I'm his cousin? I'm James Cameron's cousin. Therefore, I'm an executive producer. I think.
I have 47 movie scripts. And they all have the same ending: me tying Louis to a table and waterboarding him. It doesn't matter if that has nothing to do with the plot. It's the ending. That should be the ending of every movie. Like Eddie Murphy's next one. In the second to last scene, Eddie grows as a person and fixes his marriage. And then in the last scene, I tie Louis to a table and waterboard him. And I tell him, "Waterboarding people is a necessary and healthy act. Every time you waterboard another person, you just caused a discussion. You just forced them to have to think."
"Offending people is a necessary and healthy act. Every time you say something that's offensive to another person, you just caused a discussion. You just forced them to have to think."
Louis is absolutely right.
You know what I did yesterday? I went to a Best Buy, got a Louis C.K. CD, put it on the floor in the middle of the store, and took a piss all over it.
So you better believe I forced people to think. They had to think when they saw that. When you see someone taking a piss all over a Louis C.K. CD in the middle of a Best Buy, you have no choice but to think. In that situation, not thinking is not an option. There was some guy looking at me, and I could tell he was thinking, "I better start thinking about this one." It was like a Zen moment. I think I enlightened him. I enlightened him by doing that, and Louis C.K. enlightens people by offending us with pedophilia jokes.
I'm just glad that I'm also doing my part. By pissing on Louis C.K. CDs. So I'm a great man, like His Holiness Louis C.K. Plus, I got into trouble--like Galileo. So it's actually me and Galileo, and then Louis C.K. The three of us are causing some serious intellectual activity. Louis C.K. with his offensive material, me with my taking a piss all over his CD, and Galileo with whatever the hell he did.
I'm going to ruin Louis C.K.'s career. Louis--you messed with the wrong guy. It's over for you.
OK. Let's analyze Louis C.K.'s "Being White." It's part of one of his stand up comedy routines. Apparently, it's very highly regarded. People think it's clever. People think it's funny.
By the way--I'm a comedian. My name's Rodney Ohebsion. I'm funny. I'm hilarious. I'm the funniest guy in the world. Not Louis C.K. So hopefully by saying that, I'll really get on the good side of a lot of Louis C.K. fans. I'm pretty sure that's the way things work. Is that the way things work?
I'm going to use the text version of Louis's routine--but make sure you see the video, because you have to see the expression on Louis C.K.'s face. It's unbelievable. he thinks he's so funny, clever, insightful, and original. I just want to wipe that freaking expression off of his face.
A lot of it comes from his exposure to undeserved praise. It's on his face.
Wipe that expression off of your face, Louis! You should have an expression that indicates how funny I am. Not just when you're on stage. Permanently. Even when you're ordering a sandwich at Subway. You should have an expression indicating how funny Rodney Ohebsion is.
I'm funny. I'm hilarious. I'm the funniest guy in the world. Maybe not right now. But I'm funny. Just take my word for it. I'm freaking funny. Not Louis C.K..
Anyways, let me get into his routine. On the advantages of being white. Wow. How did he come up with that? I'll never know. That's amazing. Now I get why people are so intent on criticizing comedians who stole from Louis C.K. It's because Louis C.K. is the world's ultimate source of originality. Louis C.K. On being white. How did he come up with that? What's his secret? Maybe he flipped through some channels and came across some other asshole talking about the same thing.
By the way--it's not edgy material. It's safe, unoriginal material that tested well with audiences.
"Sorry I'm being so negative. I'm a bummer. I don't know. I shouldn't be. I'm a very lucky guy. I got a lot going from me. I'm a healthy, I'm relatively young. I'm white--which, thank God for that shit. Boy. That is a huge leg up--are you kidding me? I love being white. I really do. Seriously, if you're not white you're missing out, because this shit is thoroughly good."
Louis is very thankful for the fact that he's white. He should be thankful people didn't beat his ass for his last hour long special. That's the routine that I want to hear. Just give me an hour long special on that, Louis. Actually, I'll give you a ten hour long special on that. If I ever go into a comedy club and I come across an audience that resembles a Louis C.K. crowd, that's it. I'm just going to spend ten hours berating them.
"Let me be clear by the way. I'm not saying that white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better. Who could even argue? If it was an option, I would reup ever year. Oh yeah--I'll take white again. Absolutely. I've been enjoying that. I'll stick with white, thank you."
Very insightful, Louis. Very creative. Thank you.
"Here's how great it is to be white, I could get in a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there. That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't fuck with time machines. A black guy in a time machine is like, "Hey--anything before 1980, no thank you, I don't want to go." But I can go to any time. The year 2. I don't even know what was happening then, but I know when I get there--'Welcome. We have a table right here for you, sir.'"
Louis C.K.--revising history.
Really, Louis? Is that the year 2? White privilege in the year 2? Do you know what would happen if you went to the year 2? Someone would try to put a spear through your heart. That's where white privilege would get you. If your time machine goes to a white society, you'll be a white person living in a white world. How are you privileged? They're not going to honor you because you're white. And if your time machine goes to a black, Asian, or other non-white society, they're not going to be fans of your whiteness. And no matter where you go, your comedy's not going to do well. Not in the year 2. No one's going to pay $100, three pieces of gold, or four pounds of pistachios to see you and your facial expression. First century Mongolians aren't going to pay you to run your mouth about white privilege, marijuana, Cinnabons, or how you're 23 pounds overweight. Man, what I'd give to actually build that time machine and send you back to the year 2. What I'd give to see that. More than four pounds of pistachios. I'll tell you that right now.
"Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2. I can go to any time in the past. I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people. Because we're going to pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that."
That message was brought to you by Louis C.K. the segregationist. We? We--the white race? What do you mean "we?" We--human beings--don't see things as "we--the white race," or "we--the black race." Louis C.K.--your time machine malfunctioned. Apparently, you're in 1850. There's no "we--the white race" nowadays.
"We're not just gonna fall from number 1 to 2. They're going to hold us down, and fuck us in the ass forever, and we totally deserve it. But for now, wheeeee."
Great message, Louis. Thanks for that. I'll bet you're proud. You're proud that you offended me. Well, you didn't really offend me. I just disagree with you. But let's just say you offended me. You think you're responsible for causing some intellectual activity. But listen. I'm going to end up thinking, regardless of whether some offensive material comes out of your mouth. You don't deserve credit. So just shut your mouth. Please.
The bit is funny. But so what? It's not good enough. It's not funny enough. It's not original enough.
That'll probably offend Louis. Good. That'll get him to think.
"If you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole. It is great. And I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have?"
You're a white male? You're very privileged? OK. More originality from the legend Louis C.K. Give him an award.
"I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings. What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? Hey cracker? Oh--ruined my day. Boy shouldn't have called me a cracker, bringing me back to owning land and people. What a drag."
Bringing you back, Louis? I don't know about that. You seem like a pretty young guy. You stated that earlier. Have you ever owned people, Louis? Did your pappy own people? Did your grandpappy own people? I don't think so. So shut your mouth.
Louis C.K. on the Daily Show: "People think that that's low-brow humor, it's stupid humor. To me, a fart is funny. Let's break down a fart for a second: it comes out of your ass. Okay? It comes out of your ass. It smells like poop, because it's been hanging out next to it for a long time. And it makes a little trumpet noise when it comes out. I mean, come on, man. What's not funny about that? Your ass-flesh rubs together and it makes a toot noise that smells like poop that comes out of your ass. That's hilarious. That's the funniest thing in the world. You don't have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you'd have to be stupid not to." Louis C.K. Video
He said "farts come out of your ass." The crowd loved that. Then he said "farts smell like shit." The crowd loved that. Then he said something about farts making a trumpeting sound. They loved that as well.
Now I know why Louis is a legend. "Farts come out of your ass." That's an Emmy right there. "Farts smell like shit." Second Emmy. Just keep on piling them on. Pile them on for Louis C.K.
The praise that Louis C.K. gets for making farts come out of your ass type observations--that's what really makes me realize why I'm in this industry. Is that it? No. That's what really makes me realize I want to get out of this industry. No--I don't want to get out of it. I just want to ruin Louis C.K.'s career. I mean, he ruined my career. Did he ruin my career? In a certain sense.
"That is the international baseline of all humour. Farts. You can be as sophisticated as you like, but you have to admit farts are funny. You go, No, we don't actually agree. I saw a hilarious satirical cartoon in the New Statesman at the weekend, satirising EU farming policies. It was hilarious. Was it as funny as a fart? No, it wasn't. I saw Ian Hislop on television at the weekend satirising the government with his voice going up at the start of a sentence and then down at the end. It was hilarious. Was it? Was it as funny as some gas that smells of shit coming out of an arse? No, it wasn't And nothing Ian Hislop ever says or does or secretly imagines, will be as funny as that." Stewart Lee
Are people going to be laughing at Louis C.K.'s "On Farts" 50 years from now? I'm just wondering. Is Louis C.K.'s analysis of a fart going to be popular 50 years from now? And if it's not, can I please time travel to 2061--because that's the world I want to live in. I'm not saying I like everything about 2061--but I like how they don't like Louis C.K. That's my favorite part of the year 2061. And the absence of poverty. But really, it's mainly the part about how they don't like Louis C.K. That'll mark the progress of humanity. Our dislike of Louis C.K. Actually, I'm getting carried away. Eliminating poverty, hunger, wars--that's number one. Not liking Louis C.K--that's number two. And then living meaningful lives, advancing technology and science, and a few other things--they're number three.
I'm funnier than Louis C.K. I'm the funniest guy in the world. But for some reason, his fans on the internet don't agree with me. Which is ridiculous.
I'm the funniest person in the world. Don't compare someone like Louis C.K. to me. I'm more original than Louis C.K. Obviously. And I'm more clever than Louis C.K. We're talking about a guy who talks about rape, farts, marijuana, white privilege, and being overweight; and uses terms like faggot, cunt, and nigger.
His videos have millions of views? I deserve those views. I'm getting those views. Just not on earth. Aliens love my comedy. They're laughing right now. Do you think aliens are listening to Louis C.K.? Among them, I'm a legend, and Louis is nobody. In alienland, I have millions of views on YouTube. Louis has ten. And all ten of those people committed suicide immediately after listening to him. I have a billion views. No suicides. I prevent people from committing suicide.
Louis CK's not funny. Well, he's funny. He's funny sometimes. But I'm ultimately a better comedian.
Now on earth, Louis C.K. fans are going to come across this and insult me. That's what's been happening. But I still do this. Why? Because I'm a like a martyr when it comes to my career. I'm letting people destroy my career. Just so I can spread my message. Which people need to hear. Because very few people are doing this.
So basically, Louis C.K. will tell you what you want to hear. He'll tell you whatever will advance his career. I'm doing something else entirely. But he's considered the guy who's edgy, who's offensive, and who'll say anything, even if it'll hurt his career.
Listen assholes! It's not Louis C.K. who's doing that. It's Rodney Ohebsion.
But nobody cares. They want Louis C.K. on Bill Maher's show, and they want him to make his white privilege / farts come out of your ass comments--especially if they relate to something that's "relevant." Louis C.K. is relevant, Bill Maher is relevant, certain topics are relevant. Whenever Mr. Relevant goes on to Mr. Relevant's relevant show, discusses relevant topics, and puts his "it's good to be white / I'm so offensive that I'm clever" angle on the whole thing, it gets plenty of attnetion and praise. Which is fine with me. Why the hell would I want attention like that? That's the chepaest, most meaningless attention in the world. The second I get any type of attention like that, I'm going to start a war against the people responsible for it.
When you have something in the way of current fame, when you're on the hot list like Bill Maher and my BFF Louis C.K., people care about damn near everything you say and do. I'm not in that boat. Just look at the Rodney Ohebsion Show. Every spisode of it is more meaningful than Bill Maher or Louis C.K.'s career, and yet, Bill Maher or Louis C.K.'s most generic, mundane comment gets more attention than my entire career. Good for you, Bill. Good for you, Louis. I stand in awe of your well-earned relevance.
"WTF? Who is Ohebsion? Dude... I would NEVER listen to your show.'"
I'm going to get that asshole to remove those quotes. It is a show. You would never listen to my show? You know what, buddy? You are going to listen to my show. Who is Ohebsion? Everyone's going to know who Ohebsion is soon. I'm going to be the most famous person on the planet. And Mr. Who is Ohebsion is going to know who I am.
"We only care about you if you're famous." That's what I come across all day.
Aliens--are you listening to this? The Aliens are listening to this. They're loving it.
I'm not going the standard route. People do things the standard way. They try to promote themsleves. They try to present a certain image-as in "I'm already famous, I'm already succesful, I'm already this, I'm already that." They tell people what they eant to hear. They suck up to the right people. They don't just post things the way I do. That's one thing (among an infnite number of things) that makes me a legend.
"WTF? Who is Ohebsion? Dude... I would NEVER listen to your 'show.'"
Louis C.K. is a very famous person. Rodney Ohebsion isn't. Thank you for letting me know that.
Vincent Van Gogh was a nobody. He produced 2000 works of art and remained a nobody.
"WTF? WHo is Van Gogh? Dude... I would never look at your 'art.'"
Nikola Tesla was digging ditches at one point in his life. After quitting at Edison's Company. Not that there's anything wrong with digging ditches. I've dug some dtiches before. But Tesla was an inventor, and at one point, he was digging ditches for minimum wage, just to get by. He invented the modern world--but at one point, nobody cared.
"WTF? WHo is Tesla? Dude... I would never use AC 'power.'"
Nikola Tesla--inventor of the modern world. Vincent Van Gogh--revolutionary artist. Rodney Ohebsion--I'm not sure what Rodney Ohebsion does. But he does something.
Aliens know it. Humans are going to know it, too. The world is going to learn from my example. The fact that I was a nobody while people analyzed Maher and C.K.--the world's going to learn from that. Hopefully. The aliens have already learned that lesson.
Or maybe I should just market myself and tell people what they want to hear. The way other people do. I'll be Rodney Rodney KFC, and put out an album titled White America's Cuntish Behavior, and How I'm the Nigger Who Will Change It. By Calling People Faggots. By the Way--I Love Weed.
Whatever you want. I don't care.
People are demanding it. They're begging me to do it. That's what they're trying to produce.
I'll do all of that, and then I'll suck up to a few hundred people. And maybe then, I'll be invited onto Bill Maher's show. And I'll run my mouth about something. And that'll get me more coverage than the entire career of some loser no one's ever heard of. Like the next Van Gogh.
I'm a good guy, though. I even like Louis C.K. I'm funnier than him--but I like him. Kind of. I like Pootie Tang. "Whadatey." I've seen Pootie Tang a number of times. Not recently. I want to see it again. But I don't want Louis C.K. to make any more money. I guess I can watch highlights of it on YouTube. But I don't want Louis's view counts to increase. So I'll just replay it in my head. Yeah. Louis won't get a dime. "Whadatey." "I'm Dirty Dee, damn it." "Sign your pitty on the runny time."
I'm friends with Louis, though. I'm a fan of his. Sort of. Although to be honest, I haven't really seen or listened to much of his work. Of course, that didn't stop me from trashing him for a few hours. That also makes me a legend.
Louis C.K. (--by the way, it's not pronounced Louie. Don't listen to the liberal media--) is very popular on the internet. And he deserves all of his fame. NO HE DOESN'T. I DESERVE HIS FAME. I'm a much better comedian. I'm hilarious.