Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"
I grew up in Boston. And in Boston, people just beat the shit out of each other, for no reason. ... But I kind of think you need that, you know, to keep quality control. 'Cause in places where that doesn't happen, people are just too free. ... I was once on Venice Beach, and I'm jogging. And there's this guy rollerblading towards me. And he's got rollerblades on. And just a thong. Just a fucking thong. And it's just grabbing his dick and balls, and just fighting with it, going, "Aargh! Stay in there!" And then he's just totally naked otherwise. And he's got this Kenny G hair. And he's just rollerblading. Like, "I'm free!" And I actually had to stop jogging--'cause I needed my whole body to fucking hate this guy with. I had to just stand there, and go, "Ugh--you motherfucker! Now I have to know you exist, you piece of shit! Fucking go skate into an AIDS tree--you motherfucker."
Fake Louis CK Quotes
I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."
[My three year old daughter is] looking at her plate [of French toast and angrily panting.] ... 'Cause she needs to want something. There's nothing logical for her to want--so her brain has to go somewhere crazy. So she's looking at her plate. She goes, "I don't know which piece to eat!" ... I'm like, "Oh, I know, honey. That's hard. That's really hard. I'll just make a list of pros and cons for every piece, and I'll help you with it later." And I look at her, and she's walking towards me now with the plate just vertical with syrup fucking going on the floor. And she's like, "Help me! You're not helping!" And I'm standing there, looking at her. And I love her. And I'm proud of her in a way. 'Cause I know she'll never want for anything. She'll beat the shit out of people. She'll kill people for meat after the Apocalypse. She'll be one of those.
Usually, [kids at school] need help opening a milk. ... We put it in this envelope that was invented by some Dutch asshole in 1773. ... The glue is vicious, so they have to pick at the corner and try to get it, and they end up drinking out of this finger-filth disease spout. So they can’t do it, and they raise their hand. And I do it for them. I’m not better at it. I just deal with the stress better than they do. I don't cry like a little bitch because I can't open my milk. I'm a man.
Louis CK - Honking Car
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."
This summer she [my daugher] got bit by a pony. ... How do you more break a little girl's heart than a pony bite? That's like being raped by Santa Claus. ... And there's all these websites that talk about what to do when your pony bites. And it's like everything else on the internet. It's just fighting, just people angry at each other. The first guy says, "You got to punch the pony right in the face. Just punch it right in the face." And the next person says, "You're a terrible person. You should have your ponies taken away from you." The next person was my favorite. They go, "People who don't punch their ponies make me sick." So we really are a divided nation.
I was in one of those [grocery stores in Chinatown], and they had duck vaginas. I swear to God. A huge barrel of fucking duck vaginas--with a scoop stuck in it. ... I didn’t get any. Because I don’t want to know--what if I love duck vaginas? I don’t want to find out. It’s not like millions of things taste like a fucking duck vagina. Four in the morning. "I gotta have a duck vagina! Right now!" Chinatown's closed. I gotta go to the park with a knife. "Where's a duck?!"
Stand up Comedy Playlist - Louis CK and others
We picked her [my friend's cousin] up at port authority bus station. She had never been to any city before. And we’re picking her up at the port authority, that smelly hole of a place. We pick her up there, and she’s just freaking out at New York. She’s never seen anything like it. And we pass this homeless guy and she sees him. I mean, we all passed him, but she saw him. She’s the only one who actually saw him. We didn’t. Me and her cousin were like, “So? He’s supposed to be there. So what? There’s a perfectly good reason why that’s not me and it’s him. The right people always win, I’m sure of it.” ... His cousin immediately just gets--“Oh, my God! Sir--are you okay? What happened?” What happened?! ... Like she thinks that he just fell into that. Right now. ... So she’s down there. “Sir, can we call someone?” And me and my friend, we’re from New York, this is the crazy part, we immediately go to her, we start correcting her behavior, like she’s doing something wrong. She was so confused. “Why, is he okay?” "No, no, he needs you desperately. That’s not the point. We just don’t do that here--you silly country girl.” ... It's weird. Because if you did see a guy who was dressed up fall into shit and vomit and garbage, you'd go, "Oh my God!" And you'd stop and dust him off, and you'd laugh at him a little bit--but you'd help him. But then a guy who's been there for a long time, you go, "Fuck him."
I was with my daughter once. ... And we pass this homeless guy. And I gave him a dollar. ... And she said, "Daddy--why did you give that man a dollar?" And I said, "Because he doesn't have a house. He just lives on the street." And she said, "And so is the dollar--can he buy a house with that?" And I was like, "No. Of course not. That's comically not enough money for a house, honey. It's hilariously too little of an amount." And she said, "Why didn't you give him enough for a house?" And I was like, "Eh, uh, you know--he doesn't just need money. He needs someone to spend time with him. He needs someone to help him." And she said, "Why don't you do that?" And I was like, "It's, it's, it's--I got stuff. I got stuff to do. I got my own, I got stuff. I gotta--I can't do that." And she said, "You don't do anything else. You sleep all day. And you do a show tonight." And I was like, "Why don't you fucking help him? OK, honey? How about that? Where do you get off judging me?"
You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you [look at it and] kind of go, "Yeah, but"--like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing--but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."
My friend was buying some tuna once, and I asked him, "Are you getting the kind that is dolphin safe that doesn’t hurt?" And he’s one of these guys who’s just contrary, just, you know, he's like, "So what! Who gives a crap! Who cares! Screw that! Screw the dolphins!"--for no reason, just to say "screw that." And so I said, "Well, but it’s cruel to kill dolphins." And he said, "Well what about the tuna? What about the tuna? Why isn’t it cruel to kill the tuna?". And I said, "That’s stupid. You know. Because everybody knows that all tuna are assholes. I mean, everybody knows that. They’re arrogant, they’re racist."
I hate when people explain [exactly] where they're from. ... I met a guy recently in Boston. I said, "Where are you from?" And he goes, "Well, I was born in East Meford. But then we moved to North Medford." I'm like, "I hope you die in South Medford. Why would you think that people want to know about your family's migrations within the town? Was your dad in the army? Is that why you moved around Medford so much? What was it like when you first saw snow in North Medford? Did you have to change money--you fat idiot?" He's fat, too. I hate this guy. I knew him for ten seconds. And I just carry hatred for him. Like, I'm in the shower. "Ugh--Medford idiot!" I'm like scrubing my ass. My ass is raw because I hate this guy so much. I'm like, "Just say Medford! Nobody wants to know [the details]!"
I cut him off in traffic. It was one of things where I had to merge lanes and no one was in my car to judge me--so I just decided, "He's not me--so I don't care what happens to him," then I cut him off. I know it's a shitty thing to do. It was bad--'cause he was coming fast. And, well, I guess he figured not in a million years would somone be that big of an asshole. So when I did it, he had to stomp on the brakes hard, his dog just flew into the windshield. It all was just really very bad. And the worst part is, when you cut people off, they don't just vanish. They're behind you now. I'm just looking back, and he's holding his wheel just screaming mad in rage. And he just keeps on trying to get next to me, 'cause he just wants to see my face--the fucking face of the dude who just did that to him. And I keep cutting him off, 'cause I don't want him to see. I'm ashamed of what I did. So finally, we get to a red light, and he pulls beside me. Only because there was a car in front of me. Otherwise I would have taken off. So he's here just yelling in my direction, and I have the apologetic look going on. Then he starts to do the "open you window" motion ... like I'm supposed to take part in my own abuse."
I saw this guy in New York one day, and he's walking his dog. ... He's got a coffee and a dog on a leash and a phone. He’s on the phone. So he’s got his phone like this, and the dog’s leash is going from the phone hand to the dog. And I look at this and I go, “Oh--he's got, like, a dogphone.” That thought sincerely inhabited me for like a full minute! I'm like, “Oh, I wonder, what are the benefits to hooking your phone up to a dog?” And then the other part of me had to go, “Why the fuck would that exist?! You asshole!”
I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fucking do that.
I was in the airport, and ... this old lady, she falls down... I got her up. And she looks at me and she goes, "I don't know where to go!" Oh, come on! That's not fair! I thought I was helping an old lady; now, I have an old lady! Now this ismy old lady that I have in my life. ... She just hands me over stuff: "I don't know how to do it!" She has a passport with a black and white picture, and, like, a different alphabet on it. An itinerary of onion-skin paper from some travel agency in a village somewhere. I'm like, "How do you not know how to get around? You've probably been a refugee, like, eight times in your life already." ... Anyway, we sat there at her gate, for, like, two hours. And she she said a bunch of shit that changed my life and I'll never forget her. But that's the boring part. You don't need to hear that. "Oh, yeah. I thought was I giving to her, she gave back tenfold and all, she's precious forever and ever to me." But she really was amazing. Like, I got her on the plane, and right before she got on, she turned around and she stuck her old gypsy finger in my face, and she said, "I shall never forget you!" And I was crying! It was intense! I love old ladies! I really do! I connect with old ladies. Because they don't care! They say whatever! The filter comes off around 72. 8-year old boys and old ladies have the same sense of propriety. ... And old ladies talk to you in the middle of just--I'm walking through a supermarket, and there's always an old lady, like, "This is ridiculous!" I'm like, "I know! Don't buy it!" I connect with old ladies! They're my favorite demographic of person. I wish that I desired them sexually. ... Because, then I'd be SET! I could find an old lady, and spend the rest of her life with her.
I was in a hotel room in Dallas, and I was jerking off so much and so sadly and pathetically, that the phone rang, and I thought it's them, they're complaining. ... "Sir, could you please stop?"
For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, "I got an erection, and the scene's not there."
I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated--like, how long you waited. And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. I had to do it. I had to. Otherwise, they win. That's the way I was looking at it at the time. It was a really strange time for all of us.
...The constant perverted, sexual thoughts. I'm so tired of those. ... It just makes me into an idiot. ... [Girl:] "Look at my tits." [Louis:] "Yeah, your tits are awesome." It's just a dumb part of life that I'm sick of. It's all day too. ... I just want to be a person in clothes walking in a store and just--I just want to go to the library and ask for--"Hi, ma'am, is there-- I'm looking for a book about early Abraham Lincoln, like when he was--I wish I could wrap your hair around my dick and--Oh, shit. I'm trying to talk to her!" That's really a male problem. ... [Women] have no idea. ... See, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have them. ... And for men, sex just is such a constant thing. It's not even sex to us. It's just pussy. ... It has nothing to do with women. ... "Mmmm, I sure would like to have my arm around a girl." "Mmmm, Vanessa, I love--" No, it's not. ... It's just pussy. ... It's not even a pussy. It's not some peoples' pussies. It's just pussy. ... To men it's just an element of the universe, like it should be on the chart of the elements next to tin and ammonia. P-y with an atomic weight of 12.
And then the next night I saw her in the club. And she goes, "Hey what happened last night?" I was like, "What?" And she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'Cause you didn't want to." She's like, "Yes I did. I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" And she goes, "'Cause I wanted you to just go for it." I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird. I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me. Like that's a big turn on for me." I was like, "Well you should have told me. I would have happily done that for you." And she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous." I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?" What kind of idiot [thinks], "Hmmm. I'm getting kind of a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know--I suspect she might enjoy being raped. Maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it--so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her. What the hell--what's the worst that could happen, after all?"
You notice, there's no Women Gone Wild [series]--'cause no one would fucking buy the wild women DVD. Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub. That's what wild women do. They don't show their tits to nobody. They fuck with their bras on.
I remember when I first started doing stand-up. I was living in Boston and there was one club that was owned by a gay guy. And my memory is that that guy was always trying to fuck me. ... And recently I caught up with an old friend of mine from those days, who I hadn't seen in years. And we started talking about different people and he brought him up. And I said, "That guy always used to try to fuck me." ... And he goes, "Really? Did he--I mean, did he like take you to his house or something and really try to physically..." "No, it's just that, you know what I mean. He was trying to fuck me all the time." And he was like, "Well did he say, did he push you, and say stuff all the time and make you uncomfortable?" "No, it just was--" And as we went through it, the truth came out. The whole story really was, there once was a gay man. That's it. That's really what happened. He was gay. I was 19. And now, "He tried to fuck me all the time." I went through life with that.