"Here's how great it is to be white, I could get in a time machine and go to any time and it would be f---ing awesome when I get there. That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't f--- with time machines. A black guy in a time machine is like, "Hey--anything before 1980, no thank you, I don't want to go." But I can go to any time. The year 2. I don't even know what was happening then, but I know when I get there--'Welcome. We have a table right here for you, sir.'"
Louis C.K.--revising history.
Really, Louis? Is that the year 2? White privilege in the year 2? Do you know what would happen if you went to the year 2? Someone would try to put a spear through your heart. That's the year 2, you freaking lunatic. Someone would put a spear through your heart--and then the waiter from the restaurant you mentioned would serve your heart, liver, brain, and muscle meat, and they'd call it the "white meat special." That's what would happen in the year 2. That's where white privilege would get you.
I don't think white and black people had much in the way of interactions in the year 2.So if your time machine goes to a white society, you'll be a white person living in a white world. How are you privileged? They're not going to honor you because you're white. And if your time machine goes to a black, Asian, or other non-white society, they're not going to be fans of your whiteness.
And no matter where you go, your comedy's not going to do well. Not in the year 2. No one's going to pay $100, three pieces of gold, or four pounds of pistachios to see you and your facial expression. First century Mongolians aren't going to pay you to run your mouth about white privilege, marijuana, Cinnabons, or how you're 23 pounds overweight.
Man, what I'd give to actually build that time machine and send you back to the year 2. What I'd give to see that. More than four pounds of pistachios. I'll tell you that right now.
Robert Zemeckis--get on it. Back to the Future IV. Send Louis C.K. back to the year 2. And we'll see if he gets awards for talking about Cinnabons. We'll see if someone's awaiting him with a table at a restaurant. Oh--and make me the Biff in your movie. Back to the Future IV, starring Rodney Ohebsion as Biff, and Louis C.K. as Marty. I'm going to serve the butthead white meat special at my hotel-casino's restaurant.
"Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2. I can go to any time in the past. I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people. Because we're going to pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that."
That message was brought to you by Louis C.K. the segregationist. We? We--the white race? What do you mean "we?" It's 2011. We--human beings--don't see things as "we--the white race," or "we--the black race." Louis C.K.--your time machine malfunctioned. Apparently, you're in 1850. There's no "we--the white race" in 2011.
"We're not just gonna fall from number 1 to 2. They're going to hold us down, and f--- us in the ass forever, and we totally deserve it. But for now, wheeeee."
Great message, Louis. Black people are the victims of this system. White people are the beneficiaries. Wheee.
Thanks for that, Louis. I'll bet you're proud. You're proud that you offended me. Well, you didn't really offend me. I just disagree with you. But let's just say you offended me. You think you're responsible for causing some intellectual activity. But listen. I'm going to end up thinking, regardless of whether some offensive material comes out of your mouth. You don't deserve credit. So just shut your mouth. Please.
The routine's funny--but is this really what the world should single out as the absolute best out there? Does this deserve millions of views? I don't think so. That'll probably offend Louis. Good. That'll get him to think. Apparently. According to his philosophy.
"If you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole. It is great. And I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have?"
You're a white male? You're very privileged? OK. More originality from the legend Louis C.K. Give him an award.
"I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings. What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? Hey cracker? Oh--ruined my day. Boy shouldn't have called me a cracker, bringing me back to owning land and people. What a drag."
Bringing you back, Louis? I don't know about that. You seem like a pretty young guy. You stated that earlier. Have you ever owned people, Louis? Did your pappy own people? Did your grandpappy own people? I don't think so. So shut your mouth.
So that was Louis C.K. on being white. And here's part of a recent Daily Show interview where he discussed farts: