The Difference Between Liberals and Conservatives

The Military / War

Conservatives shoot first and ask questions later.

Liberals ask questions first and then blame conservatives for everything.

Illegal Immigration

Conservatives stand around at our borders holding guns.

Liberals want conservatives to turn their guns on themselves and pull the trigger.

Punishments

Conservatives want to stab eyes and remove teeth.

Liberals want to give murderers a sad face sticker and a timeout.

Religion

Conservatives believe in God.

Liberals think they are God.

The Economy / Money

Conservatives want to leave everything to supply and demand.

Liberals demand that the government supply them with everything.

Conservatives think that people solve problems, and governments create them.

Liberals think that governments solve problems, and conservatives create them.

Conservatives think people tend to be more productive when being productive makes them more money.

Liberals think people will screw each other when presented with the opportunity to make more money.

Conservatives think that having the government handle money is like having a blind man handle your hernia surgery.

Liberals think that having a free economy handle money is like having Willie Nelson guard your marijuana stash.

Conservatives will tell you that every man has his price.

Liberals would like to tell you that every man has his rice.

Conservatives want to say farewell to welfare.

Liberals want to say farewell to capitalism.

School Funding

Conservatives think that schools should compete for business.

Liberals think that schools should teach people not to become conservatives.

Healthcare

Liberals think that the government should provide free healthcare.

Conservatives think that free healthcare will be worth exactly what people pay for it.

The Environment

Liberals think conservatives are a bunch of deluded, money loving bastards who would gladly trade the sun for a jar of mayonnaise.

Conservative think liberals are a bunch of deluded, tree hugging sissies who don’t realize that we need to cut down a few trees in order to build a house.

Liberals think that global warming is caused by conservatives.

Conservatives think that global warming doesn’t exist, or that if it does exist, it’s caused by the burps of degenerate liberal drunks like the Kennedys.

Guns

Liberals think that guns kill people.

Conservatives think that guns not only don’t kill people, they actually save people—as long as we each have at least fifteen of them.

Liberals are convinced guns are unnecessary.

Conservatives are convinced King George will attack any day now.

The United Nations

Liberals think the UN spreads peace.

Conservatives think UN stands for Unbelievably Naïve.

The War in Iraq

Liberals want the US to withdraw from Iraq.

Conservatives want the US to attack France.

Heroes

Liberals root for Fonzie and Chachi.

Conservatives root for Mr. Burns and Flanders.

Favorite Songs

Liberals sing “Heal the World” and “We Shall Overcome.”

Conservatives sing “Achy Breaky Heart” and “I Wish I Was in Dixie.”

History

Liberals reenact the Civil War in order to learn about the nation’s history.

Conservatives reenact the Civil War in order to get ready for the rematch.

Similarities Between Liberals and Conservatives

Liberals want to spend other people’s money

Conservatives want to spend other people’s money.