Love your neighbor as yourself. Unless you live at 358 North Rockingham Avenue at any point from 1974 to 1995.
Do unto others as you’d have others do unto you.
Do not do unto others as Bill O’Reilly would like to do unto Obama.
Don’t even think of doing unto others as Al Franken would like to do unto Bill O’Reilly.
If someone hits you, turn the other cheek. If someone takes your coat, give him your shirt. And if someone hits you and takes your coat, you pretty much have to become his slave for life.
Forgive and you will be forgiven (of a sin of equal or lesser value). Offer not valid in blue states Limit of two per person per day Cash value: $0.0001
If someone wrongs you seven times and apologizes all seven times, you must forgive him. But if he wrongs you an eighth time, all bets are off. And if he wrongs you a ninth time, I’ll personally come down there and help you retaliate.
It’s easier for a camel to pass a kidney stone than for a rich man to bribe Heaven’s guards. Unless, of course, he’s really rich—in which case he actually has a pretty good chance.
You can’t serve both the Mets and the Yankees; you can’t serve both God and money; you can’t serve both red wine and blue cheese.
Seek and ye shall find.
Knock, and it shall be opened unto you. … What? … No one answered? … Well, then, try ringing the bell. … Still no answer? … Well, then just break in. Hey—no one ever said saving your soul would be easy.
Let him who is not stoned cast my next movie. And for God’s sake, stop portraying me as a British guy with long hair and a Jesus beard.
The kingdom of God is like the thing that happened after that guy did that thing to that other guy. Can you believe that guy?
The kingdom of God is like the opposite of a U.S. automaker.
The kingdom of God is like the opposite of your friend Tom’s decision to marry a stripper.
The kingdom of God is like a casino with no expenses and plenty of drunk gamblers.
The kingdom of God is like mustard on a hot dog. Actually, it’s more like the yeast in a loaf of bread. You know what? It’s more like sprinkles on a Christmas cookie. … I’m getting really hungry. Can you make me some fish?
The kingdom of God isn’t “here” or “there.” It’s right over there. No—over there.
To be honest, the kingdom of God isn’t really like anything. In fact, it isn’t even like the Kingdom of God.
Religious phonies are barriers to my Way, like a man who’s miserable and won’t let his wife be happy. And don’t even get me started on those religious phonies who are miserable and won’t let their wives be happy.
If a blind person is leading a blind person, both will end up in a ditch. If a tasteless person is leading a tasteless person, both will end up watching Benny Hill.
A rich man ended up getting richer, and spent his days and nights devising ways to protect his new wealth and ensure he would never be in want in the future. A few days later, he dropped dead. The End
God is good. Everyone else is pretty annoying.
Blessed are the hungry—for they shall be filled. And as for those who aren’t hungry—they might want to consider sticking a finger down their throats.
The first will be last, the last first, and the middle… um… uh… the middle will remain in the middle.
Nothing can stay covered, nothing can remain hidden. In other words, I know exactly what you did at that company Christmas party last week—and it’ll only be a matter of time before everyone else knows, you pervert.
Don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. And believe me—I know exactly what your right hand has been doing, and so does your wife.
If you so much as think about a woman sexually, you’re committing adultery. You’re thinking about one right now, aren’t you? Jesus Christ! I just told you not to, and one second later, you’re doing it. You’re just like that guy Adam.
Ask not what your religion can do for you. … On second thought—go ahead and ask. What can your religion do for you? Everything.
Beware of all false prophets, all fat bearded men in red suits, and all infomercial pitchmen promising $19.99 miracles.
To hang on to your life is to lose it. To let go of your life is also to lose it. So how can you save it? Find out next time on… The Gospel