Jesus Christ was born in Israel at 12:00 A.M. on December 25th, 1 AD. He immediately got up and sawed off his umbilical cord. And then he nailed a cross to the wall.
Five minutes later, he finished builidng the world's first Buick. Out of dirt, wood, and nails. That Buick is still on the road today.
On July 4th 2 AD, Jesus invented the gun.
He shot the world's first bullet at 6:16 P.M. (Or 17:76 in military time). And he added the Eleventh Commandment to the Bible: "Thou shalt have the right to bear arms."
He then added the Twelfth Commandment: "Love thy nieghbor. Unless he's Muslim." And the Thirteenth Commandment: "Though shalt frisk and waterboard all Muslims at airports."
Jesus hated Muslims. Especially Palestinians.
Oh--and he hated atheists (aside from Chinamen and Japanmen). Especially Australian atheists. He used to take Noah's Ark to Australia every month or so and beat the crap out of them.
At the age of 30, Jesus turned water into wine. And he sold it. Why? Because he wasn't a communist. He believed in the free market.
Jesus was a workaholic, just like Nixon. He made wine, built benches, resurrected conservatives, tortured liberals, sculpted Mount Rushmore, opened a chain of fish and bread restaurants, decreased taxes, and balanced the budget.
And he added hundreds of commandments to the Bible.
Asked to see the Devil's long from birth certificate. And the Devil refused. Why? You tell me. You tell me why he's refusing to show it.
Heterosexual ApostlesJesus came back from the dead, turned Noah's Ark into the Mayflower, and took the Founding Fathers and their families on a forty day and forty night trip to America. With guns. Everyone had a gun. Guns and Jesus are the ultimate combination.
He and George Washington devised a plan to defeat the British,
After landing on Plymoth Rock, we won independence from the British and the Indians, and built 100 million Buicks. Jesus owned 40 million of them--one for each person he killed during the war.
United NationsContrary to popular belief, he didn't have long hair like some hippie degenrate. That's just something the liberal media wants you to believe.
The holy grail isn't a cup. It's the gun Jesus used to __
If you're not going to be a Christian or Jew, at least be a Confucian, Taoist, Buddhist,