Jerry Seinfeld is the most insane person in human history. He's made a billion dollars over the course of his career, and he's still asking questions like, "What’s the deal with oatmeal?" Yeah. He's still performing stand up about topics like oatmeal.
A few months ago, he was sitting around in his $50 million home, eating breakfast, and he thought to himself, "What's the deal with oatmeal?" And then he decided to put on a suit and ask the world that while on stage at Carnegie Hall, Madison Square Garden, and Staples Center.
He already has fame and fortune, he's been in 200 Seinfeld episodes, he's been a stand up comedian for a few decades--and he just has to ask us, "What's the deal with oatmeal?"
That’s a mental disorder. I don't care if it's not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders--it's a mental disorder. Someone add it. And then put Jerry Seinfeld in a straight jacket.
"What's the deal with car washes?" There we go. Give $1 million to Mr. Seinfeld. "Who are these people?" Give him another million. I don't think Jerry answers his questions, though. Because he's gotten to a point in his career where he's pretty lazy. He just asks the question. "Who are these people?" And then he says, "OK. Where's my money?" That's what he does.
I do more than that. I ask the question, and then I answer it. In other words, I think I should get paid more than Jerry Seinfeld. I should get paid more than Jerry Seinfeld. There's no "I think" about it. I thought about it, but there's no "I think" anymore. It's a fact. I should get paid more than Jerry Seinfeld.
You pay $300 for a ticket to his show. He asks "Who are these people?" And then he walks away with your money. That's it. He's like a thief. Why would anyone pay $300 for a ticket to a Jerry Seinfeld performance? People actually do that? Who are these people?
Jerry Seinfeld has made a billion dollars over the course of his career. Are you kidding me? That should be the name of his next show. Are You Kidding Me? Jerry Seinfeld's a celebrity? Are you kidding me? He's made a billion dollars? Are you kidding me?
He's made a billion dollars? For his analysis of... who knows what. Probably Swiss cheese. I'll bet he has a routine on Swiss cheese. The differences between Swiss cheese and American cheese. Or socks. How your socks get lost in the dryer. "What's the deal with socks?" If you haven't used that already, go ahead, Jerry.
And what's the deal with low calorie food? People are advertising that. "It's low in calories. Buy it. Eat it." Two thousand years ago, people didn't brag about how a food was low in calories. They were hungry. They advertised high calories. "It's high in calories. Buy it. Eat it." People who put low calorie labels on food back then were executed. "That guy's advertising how his food is low in calories? Chop his head off. We'll eat it. Brain is high in calories. It's loaded with nutrients."
That's mine, Jerry. The low calorie bit is mine. But feel free to talk about socks.
Jerry will talk about socks all day. I might talk about socks, too--but that doesn't take up 1% of my career's worth of material. Seinfeld has probably accumulated 5 hours worth of material--300 minutes--and 3 of those minutes are about socks, or something like that.
We should send Jerry back to the year two--along with Louis C.K. The second Jerry opens his mouth and asks, "What the deal with oatmeal?", someone will chop his head off and eat his brain. I'd pay to see that. I like Seinfeld--but I think I'd prefer Jerry Seinfeld, 2 AD. Larry David--get on it. Jerry can die in every episode. It'll be like South Park.
Do you want to know why I'm not famous? Because of Jerry Seinfeld.
When Jerry Seinfeld does something new, he gets plenty of attention. People hear about it, they're into it, he's invited onto the Tonight Show, etc. And he has a huge budget to work with. I don't get any of that when I do something. When the Rodney Ohebsion Show was about to debut, no one cared. I even called NBC and told them--and they told me to f--k off.
Over the course of my career in entertainment, I've realized that I'm not exactly in Jerry Seinfeld's shoes. That's the first thing they should teach at Film School. "You're not in Jerry Seinfeld's shoes."
I don't even care.
It's all a Jewish conspiracy. It's Seinfeld and the President of NBC. The President of NBC just sits in his office all day and thinks, "How can I ruin Rodney Ohebsion's career?"
And it doesn't stop there.
What's the deal with Grape Nuts? Huh? You open the box--there are no grapes. There are no nuts. I'll bet the the Jews have all of the grapes and nuts. Jews like Jerry Seinfeld and the President of NBC. They're eating all your grapes, they're eating all your nuts. You're left with a box of grain. They charge $4.50 for it. What's the deal with Grape Nuts? Grape Nuts are a Jewish conspiracy. That's the deal with Grape Nuts. I figured it out, Jerry. Your routine is now obsolete.
Actually, I'm Jewish, too. Does the President of NBC know that? I need to tell him.
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