A Biography of Jack LaLanne


Jack LaLanne was born on July 4, 1876 in a Chevrolet factory. In 1902, he opened the world's first gym. There were no elliptical machines, pilates instructors, or mirrors. There was nothing but sweat and carrot juice. Members paid their dues in the form of sweat. Jack LaLanne doesn't care about money. He loves sweat. Jacks's periodic table and his food pyramid contains two items total: carrots and sweat. Everything else is for communists. 98% of our atmosphere's clouds are made of Jack LaLanne's sweat.

The Jack LaLanne Show

In 1903, Jack got his own fitness show on TV, and he put out 53 episodes a week.

In 1906, he did 10,000 consecutive pushups, while having intercourse with 12 women.

In 1910, he tested an atom bomb on himself. He then asked Einstein to send over a six pack. Nowadays, when the government wants to dispose of an atom bomb, they just give it to Jack. He juices and drinks them.

In 1915, he chopped down 1,000 trees and killed 1,000 communists in ten minutes. Handcuffed. Without an axe, knife, or gun.

In 1920 he went to Antarctica and built a Chevrolet factory out of ice.

In 1923, he went to Mars and built a Chevrolet factory out of red rocks.

In 1930, he beat the crap out of a lot of people.

In 1970, he knocked out George Foreman.

Jack LaLanne towing boats with his hands and feet shackled

In 1976, he put on a straight jacket, jumped into the Atlantic Ocean, and towed 32,000 boats to Japan. While having sex with 100 18 year olds. He then got out, went to a Sushi bar, and ate all of their wasabi. While having sex with 18 100 year olds. All 18 of them got pregnant with triplets. Whenever Jack gets near a woman, her body becomes an egg factory.

In 1986, he faced a hurricane in an MMA fight, and won via a first round armbar submission.

In 1989, he tore down the Berlin Wall. And then he went to China and tore down the Great Wall. And then he put it back up. The Great Wall of China is like Jack LaLanne's lego set.

In 1990, he bodyslammed Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan at the same time. And then he bodyslammed the entire ring with them on it.

In 1993, he bodyslammed the earth.

in 1997, he bodyslammed the universe.

In 2004, he killed bin Laden.

When Jack LaLanne isn't working out or killing communists, he's drinking juice. His juicer uses more electricity than Ceasar's Palace. And Jack generates the electricity with a hand crank.

The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer

In 1945, he went to Australia and became the first person to juice a kangaroo. He also invented the boomerang and didgeridoo.

The Jack LaLanne Show - Nutrition

In 1968, he flew to the moon and juiced the entire thing. He then planted a moon seed and grew another moon, just so that NASA would have something to do.

Jack LaLanne is the healthiest man alive. If you were to inject him with HIV, not only would his body send it back out, it would also cure Magic Johnson. Diseases and illnesses are terrified of him. When they get within a hundred yard of his body, they commit suicide.

Jack LaLanne is an American hero--unlike Barack Obama.

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