Jack LaLanne was born on July 4, 1876 in a Chevrolet factory. At the age of 16, he began devoting himself to health and fitness.
In 1902, he opened the world's first gym. There were no treadmills, elliptical machines, pilates instructors, or mirrors. There was nothing but great American fitness equipment, like weights, jump ropes, and medicine balls.
Members paid their dues in the form of sweat. Jack LaLanne doesn't care about money. He loves sweat. When he got his own fitness TV show in 1910, the nation's sweat output increased 473%. TV hadn't even been invented yet--but Jack LaLanne was putting out 15 episodes per day and making us sweat like maniacs.
Jacks's periodic table contains one element: sweat. All of the other ones are for communists.
98% of our atmosphere's clouds are made of Jack LaLanne's sweat. Any time there's a storm, people beg him to take a rest.
In 1922, Jack dove to the bottom of the ocean and ate a live shark. He didn't use any air tanks.
In 1935, he did 10,000 consecutive pushups. Without using the earth. Physicists still have no idea how he did it.
In 1945, he tested an atom bomb on himself. He then asked Einstein to send over a six pack. Nowadays, when the government wants to dispose of an atom bomb, they just give it to Jack. He juices and drinks them.
In 1957, he chopped down 1,000 trees and killed 1,000 communists in ten minutes. Handcuffed. Without an axe, knife, or gun.
In 1976, he put on a straight jacket, jumped into the Atlantic Ocean, and towed 32,000 boats to Japan. While having sex with 100 18 year olds.
He then got out, went to a Sushi bar, and ate all of their wasabi. While having sex with 18 100 year olds. All 18 of them got pregnant with triplets. Whenever Jack gets near a woman, her body becomes an egg factory.
in 1978, he went to Antarctica and built an entire Chevrolet factory out of ice.
In 1985, he faced a hurricane in an MMA fight, and won via a first round armbar submission.
In 1989, he tore down the Berlin Wall. And then he went to China and tore down the Great Wall. And then he put it back up. The Great Wall of China is like Jack LaLanne's lego set.
In 1990, he bodyslammed Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan at the same time. And then he bodyslammed the entire ring with them on it. And then he bodyslammed the entire arena.
In 1993, he bodyslammed the earth.
in 1997, he bodyslammed the universe.
In 2004, he killed bin Laden.
When Jack LaLanne isn't working out or killing communists, he's drinking juice. His juicer uses more electricity than a tank factory in China. And Jack generates the electricity with a hand crank.
In 1945, he went to Australia and became the first person to juice a kangaroo. He also invented the boomerang and didgeridoo.
In 1968, he flew to the moon and juiced the entire thing. He then planted a moon seed and grew another moon, just so that NASA would have something to do.
Jack LaLanne is the healthiest man alive. If you were to inject him with HIV, not only would his body send it back out, it would also cure Magic Johnson. Diseases and illnesses are terrified of him. When they get within a hundred yard of his body, they commit suicide.
Jack LaLanne is an American hero--unlike that son of a bitch Barack Obama. Every time Jack works out or kills a communist, Obama pisses on an American flag.
I'm a Real American