Israel is one of the smallest countries in the world. There's not much land there. But two different groups want it. And that has led to one of the biggest conflicts in the world. Smallest country, biggest conflict.
I get the feeling that those two groups are intent on fighting. They could fight over anything. It doesn't have to be over a small country. It could be one square foot of land. They could fight over one square foot. [Palestinian:] "A Palestinian will stand on this square foot of land!" [Israeli:] "No, no, no, no. An Israeli will stand on the land." [Palestinian:] "No, no, no. A Palestinian will stand on this land." [Israeli:] "No, no. no. Israeli. Israeli."
They'd have to work out some sort of compromise. [Palestinian:] "OK. A Palestinian will stand on it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; and an Israeli will stand on it on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays." [Israeli:] "What about Sundays?" [Palestinian:] "On Sundays, an Israeli will stand on it, and a Palestinian will sit on his shoulders." [Israeli:] "No, no, no, no. A Palestinian will stand on it, and an Israeli will sit on his shoulders." [Palestinian:] "What? No! Death to you!" [Israeli:] ""No, death to you!" [Palestinian:] "I declare jihad." [Israeli:] "I declare war!" {Palestinian:] "Jihad!" [Israeli:] "War!"
Israelis and Palestinians aren't fighting over one square foot right now--but they are fighting over one of the smallest countries out there. It's not even a country. It's like a big city. Like Detroit.
But who would fight over Detroit? If it were Detroit, they'd be doing the opposite. [Palestinian:] "You take it!" [Israeli:] "No, no, no. You take it. You take Detroit." [Palestinian:] "No, no, no. I'll give you a hundred billion dollars if you take it." [Israeli:] "No. I'll give you a hundred trillion dollars if you take it."
Maybe we should rename Israel "Detroit." That would solve a lot of problems.
We have to think outside of the box. We can't rely on conventional solutions. They're not working.
Maybe we should just send all Israelis and Palestinians a kitten. That'll probably make everyone more peaceful. When people see kittens, they deemphasize land. That's my theory. I've never seen Donald Trump with a kitten.
So give all Israelis and Palestinians kittens. That should work for a lot of them. It'll probably make half of them much more peaceful. Although I suppose the other half might turn the kittens into bombs.
You know what? Forget the kitten idea. I didn't really think that one through. Don't send them kittens, whatever you do. What we really need to do is get all kittens out of there. I'm going to start an organization to get kittens out of Israel.
Here's a better idea. Let's have Israel and Palestine try a new style of negotiating. Let's not go for a full agreement too soon. We're not ready for that yet. The two sides disagree with each other a lot--and we're trying to reach some sort of major agreement all at once. That's not going to work. We have to get them to agree on some minor things. Then maybe they'll be able to move on to something more important.
You can't ask them to make a major land and peace deal in one swoop. "I hate you. You hate me. We disagree when it comes to everything. We want each other dead. But... we're going to work out a deal." I don't think that approach is going to work.
Just get them in a room and have them agree on things, one step at a time. Not all at once. Start with minor things. And work up to land and peace.
[Israeli:] "What do you think of food? I like eating food." [Palestinian:] "Yes, food. Food is very good."
They shouldn't mention any specific foods. That could get out of hand pretty quickly:
[Israeli:] "I like chicken soup. Do you like chicken soup?" [Palestinian:] "No--I don't like chicken soup! You son of a bitch! Die!"
So they should just stick to food in general. And then get into something else. Like sunlight. [Palestinian:] "I like sunlight." [Israeli:] "Tes. Yes. Me, too. Sunlight's very good."
Then they'll move on to something else. [Israeli:] "Guns are amazing. I love them." [Palestinian:] "Yes--I like guns, too." [Israeli:] "Maybe one day we should use guns to shoot each other." [Palestinian:] "Yes--I agree. We should do that."
So they reached an agreement. That wasn't the agreement I had in mind, though. This is going to be tougher than I thought.
A lot of Muslims won't even acknowledge the existence of Israel. I'll bet their schools focus a lot on geography. Primarily the geography of one particular region. They probably cover that in depth. And when I say "in depth," I mean they make it to the other side of the earth with that one.
[Teacher:] "What country is east of Egypt?" [Students:] "Palestine." [Teacher:] "What country is west of Jordan?" [Students:] "Palestine." [Teacher:] "What country is south of Lebanon?" [Students:] "Palestine."
And then the next day... [Teacher:] "OK. Geography. What country is east of Egypt?" [Students:] "Can we please study something else? We covered all of this yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. We get the point." [Teacher:] “No! Geography is very important! Now can anyone tell me what country is east of Egypt?”
It's only a matter of time before they start tattooing their map of the Middle East on kids. That'll be their version of a bris.
Some people think it's all about the land. I'm not sure I agree. When it comes to both sides of this conflict, land itself is usually secondary. There are plenty of unstable Jewish and Muslim extremists with lots of power--and they're fueling this whole conflict. Usually out of their own insanity.
But some people think it's about the land. And many of them are saying that if we give some or all of Israel's land to Palestinians, that'll improve relations between Israel and Palestine, which in turn will exert a major positive influence on Muslim extremists around the world. I don't think that's true. The people involved are insane. Land isn't going to change that. Ask Donald Trump. He has plenty of land--and he's crazy. He's gotten more and more land over time--and he's become crazier and crazier. Do you think if he buys one more building, he'll suddenly become sane? Is that what his psychiatrist says to him. "Trump. You're completely insane. But if you buy a 300 unit building on 7th Avenue, you'll be cured."
Muslims already have almost all of the Middle East. Will giving them a little more land make that much of a difference?
In my opinion, the land is secondary. There are Jews and Muslims who are intent on fighting.
If we were to take all Israeli Jews, send them over to North Dakota, and give all of Israel to Palestinians, along with everything in it--the property, the factories, the tech companies, etc.--and throw in a bonus country, would that make Islamic fundamentalists get along with everyone else? The typical Islamic fundamentalist can't even get along with other Muslims. He's at war with most of the Muslim population.
A Muslim extremist could come across someone sitting in a chair, and end up getting pissed off.
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] “Why are you sitting like that?” [Man:] “What do you mean?” [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "I don't like the way your head is tilted." [Man:] "What do you mean you don't like the way my head is tilted?" [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "There's a 78 degree angle between your neck and your shoulder. What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying you want to return Israel to the 1978 borders?" [Man:] "No--I'm just sitting in a chair." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "No! Death to you!"
What'll happen if Israel is eliminated? Will an al-Qaeda member say, "OK. We're finished. I'm going to go home now. I'm going to beocme a Honda dealer."
If we give Israel to Palestinians, Muslim extremists will say, “Yes! Yes! We got Israel! It's over. It’s over.” Then ten minutes later, they'll follow up with, "We declare war on India, Russia, Antarctica, and Israel.” And someone will point out, “You guys own Israel.” And they'll respond, “I don’t care! We declare war on Israel!”
If we give Israel to Palestinians, Palestine will declare war on itself. They might also end up in wars with other Middle Eastern countries. Including the ones that are pro-Palestine right now. Because those countries aren't really pro-Palestine. They aren't even anti-Israel or anti-Jew. They're pro-war. If Palestinians get all of Israel in 2013, Iran or Yemen will go to war with Palestine in 2014.
If Islamic fundamentalists were to direct 10% of their Israel and America hate towards developing science, invention, industry, etc., they’d turn the Middle East into Back to the Future II within a few years. Because they're pretty devoted. That’s an area where they lead the world. I mean, around here, some people are devoted and hard working--but most just go through their 9 to 5 whatever. But in the Taliban, there's none of that 9 to 5 casual attitude. There's no, "OK--at 9:00, I'll do some filing. At 10:00, I'll go for a coffee break. And at 3:00, I’ll launch an attack on the rest of the world. Death to Israel, death to America. And then at 6:00, I'll watch Access Hollywood.”
There's none of that. They're into the "Death to Israel, Death to America" thing all day long. There's no Access Hollywood. And even if they do watch Access Hollywood, they spend most of the time declaring war on Jewish celebrities, and coming up with conspiracy theories about the Jew media.
So we really need to get them focused on something else.
We need to make some sort of deal with them. We often take aid away from countries when we find out they support terrorism. We should work out a deal. Obama should call the head of Pakistan. “OK. We’ll give you the money back. All you guys have to do is take one out of every ten 'death to Americas,' and replace it with an 'E equals MC squared.'"
Yeah. I'd like to see an Islamic Fundemantalist yelling, "E equals MC squared." If we're going to give aid to those countries, that should be part of the deal.
But I don't think money will change things. I don't think a financial incentive is enough. It's not about money. And it's not about land.
How about we find Islamic fundamentalists a new enemy? We should turn them against companies we hate. Because Islamic fundamentalists are looking for some sort of war. So we need to direct their zeal away from the US, Israel, etc., and towards the real Great Satan. Time Warner Cable. That would solve two problems at once: Islamic fundamentalism and Time Warner Cable.
We should call up Islamic fundamentalist headquarters one day and say, "Did you guys hear what happened?" [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "No. What?" [Caller:] "Time Warner Cable said some really bad things about Islam." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "What? What do you mean? Death to Time Warner Cable!"
You know what? We don't even need to do that. All we need to do is send Time Warner Cable down to Yemen. That would take care of everything. Imagine Time Warner Cable doing what they do here, in Yemen:
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] "What do you mean you're going to be here at some point between 9 am and 5 pm? When are you going to be here?" [Time Warner Cable:] "9 am to 5 pm." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "Care to be more specific? Maybe 10 am to 3 pm?" [Time Warner Cable:] "No." [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "OK. Fine."
And then of course they won't show up. And he'll call them. [Islamic Fundamentalist:] "I waited. I waited. 9 am to 5 pm. You do the math. That's a long time. No one showed up. No one called. I missed a lot of good shows. Like Meet the Press. Imprison the Press. Covering Gray’s Anatomy. And Looney Sunni Toons."
[Time Warner Cable:] "Oh--sir. I'm sorry. We were very busy yesterday. There was some sort of incident involving a camel eating some cords, and we weren't able to make it. But we can get there tomorrow. We're going to be busy again. So we're going to have to broaden that range a little bit. We'll be there at some point beween 4:30 am and 11:25 pm."
[Islamic Fundamentalist:] "You know what? It's OK. You don't have to come here. I will come to you. And I'll bring a gift. It'll be attached to my chest. I'll be there at some point between now and next month."
I don't know. I guess we can try that. But I'm not so sure that'll change everything.
I actually have a solution. A two part solution.
First, we need Israelis to help Palestinians. They should use the Gospel to get along with Palestinians. We need someone like Jesus to be a peacemaker. We definitely don't need Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is more or less an Islamic fundamentalist. We need someone like Jesus. How about Ned Flanders? We need Ned Flanders to head an organization run by the Israeli government. An organization that helps Palestinians. And I mean only Palestinians. They should open a waterpark for Palestinians. No Israelis admitted. The Israeli government should have Prime Minister Netanyahu go down to the waterpark and try to get in, only to be turned away for being Israeli. The Israeli government will pay for the park--but it's own Prime Minister won't be allowed in.
The point is, Israelis really need to go out of their way to help Palestinians. If they do that and persist, I think it'll eventually create a lot of goodwill. And maybe Palestinians will move on to something else. Like science. I think that might happen.
So that's part one.
But here's what I think will really change things: Positive activities. When people don't have positive activities, what do they usually do? Take up some negative activities.
What America needs to do, what the free world needs to do, is introduce some positive activities to extremist Muslims and Jews.
I'm not saying I know exactly how to do that. I'm not saying I have an exact plan for America or anyone else. I have most of it worked out. Ned Flanders. Waterpark. Positive activities. I have most of it. But not all of it. You guys have to come up with something. I'm not even getting paid to do this.
You know what? Maybe I do have a solution. But I'm not going to give it to you unless you pay me. Three easy payments of $99,999.99. Yeah--I'm doing that. So what? Look at all of these politicians. They're getting paid money. And they haven't found a solution. The government should pay me. Barack Obama--give me your credit card number.