Rodney Ohebsion

Hat Theory

I don't get the world sometimes. Like Apple iWhatevers. Those are considered inventions nowadays. They're not really inventions. But they're considered inventions. They're inventionless inventions.

Back in the old days, you had to contribute a lot in order to become a famous inventor or make a fortune in business.

100 or 150 years ago, the world said, "Take these pieces of wood, put them together, and make the whole thing fly." And when people replied, "What do you mean fly? Do you want me to throw it or catapult it?" the world said, "No. Make it fly on its own. And don't use any balloons or any tricks like that." And everyone responded, "OK."

And thousands of people got on it. Some contributed this, others contributed that, the Wright Brothers put a lot of it together and added a few missing ingredients. And there you go. Heavier than air flight. The world asked for it. The world got it. "Where's my money? Where's my fame?"

But things have changed. Nowadays, that's not necessary. Just take a look at the iWhatever. What exactly are all of those Apple products? No one even knows.

This is what I think happened. There was a meeting at Apple. Someone said, "You know those mp3 players?" Everyone responded, "Yeah." And the guy continued. "We're going to take one, and call it an iPod." And when everyone asked, "And then what?" he replied, "That's it."

"OK," said Team Apple. "Meeting adjourned. Let's go home. We're working way too hard."

Imagine what would happen if the inventor of the iPod were living a hundred or a hundred fifty years ago, and the world told him to make something fly.

[iPod Inventor:] "Make it fly? What are you talking about? That's not necessary. That's a waste of time. Listen. All we need to do is take that wood, stamp our logo on it, and call it iWood." [World:] "Why?" [iPod Inventor:] "What do you mean why? We'll make money." [World:] "How?" [iPod Inventor:] "We'll sell it!" [World:] "Well who the hell's going to buy it?" [iPod Inventor:] "Everyone's going to buy it!" [World:] "Why" [iPod Inventor:] "Why? What kind of question is that? It's iWood. We'll throw a parade. On Main Street. IWood! iWood! Believe me, It's an excellent idea. Just go with me on this one. I know what I'm talking about."

If Mr. iPod did all of that in the year 1900, what do you think the world would've done? Yeah--they would've killed him. [Person 1:] "What happened to Jim? The one who lived down on Palm Avenue? I haven't seen him for a while." [Person 2:] "Oh--they had to put him down." [Person 1:] "Put him down? Why?" [Person 2:] "Oh--he just started going on and on about stamping wood and throwing parades. We had to put him out of his misery."

I'm pretty sure they would've killed Mr. iPod back then. Or at the bare minimum, they would've put him in a straight jacket and strapped him to a chair. But today, he's a billionaire.

Or what if the Wright Brothers were living today and working for Apple? Just picture a meeting. Someone's presenting the next big Apple idea. "Listen guys. This is the iToilet. Basically what it is, is a toilet with an Apple logo. And there's an iPod/iPad/iPhone docking station. You can put your Apple devices there and do all of your iWhatevering." And then Team Apple responds, "OK. Great. That's a great idea. That's going to make us billions of dollars. Meeting adjourned. Let's go home. We're working way too hard."

Then the Wright Brothers say, "You know what? That's a good idea--but we need to add something. Let's also have the toilet take your pee, make it fly up in the air, separate all of the components--the vitamins, minerals, enzymes, hormones, urea, water--and distribute all of that. The water goes back into your toilet, the vitamins and minerals go to a supplements manufacturer, the hormones go to a hospital, etc. How about that? That could be the iToilet."

What do you think they'd do right now? Yeah--they'd put the Wright Brothers in a mental institute. "What are these guys talking about? Flying pee? No. We're talking about an Apple logo and an iDockingStation. The Wright Brothers? Who hired these guys?"

I guess it helps to be born during the right era. Which explains why I've had a few stays in a mental institute.

The funny thing is, back in the year 1900, flying wood was considering a very reasonable and realistic idea. And now in 2011, flying pee is considered crazy. What's going on here? I think back then, science was obsessed with what's possible; but nowadays, it focuses a little too much on what's not possible. "We've proven that this is not possible." That's not right. What happened to all of the visionaries? I mean, I want some flying pee. Someone better get on that.

Audio Version

It seems to me as if things have changed since the Wright Brothers era. That's my theory. Hat Theory.

In the mid to late 1800s and the early 1900s, the world was unbelievably innovative and creative, and its accomplishments were truly astounding. And keep in mind that they didn't have much to work with back then. The world wasn't interconnected, there was no efficient means of distributing and accessing information, and there wasn't much in the way of accumulated technology and science. And yet, people invented planes, telephones, alternating current systems, light bulbs, radios, etc.

If we take today's standards and place them back then, the new technologies they developed seem like sheer fantasy. A radio back then is like what a "beam me up, Scotty" machine would be right now. But the world created things like that regularly. And the world of industry brought down prices regularly.

But then here's what happened. Look at any picture from the 1920s where there's an assembly of people. Watch a video of an outdoor event from that time. Look at all the men. And what do you see? Almost all of them are wearing the same hat!

There was no law stating that they had to. America wasn;t a communist country. I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I'll check my history book.

I just checked it. There was no communist America back then. There was no law stating people had to wear that hat. But they did.

That marked the beginning of an era of greatly increased conformity relative to the late 1800s and early 1900s. The world standardized a hat-ish way of thinking. "You need to do this. You need to do that. Follow the protocol. Go to college. Learn this. This is what you should do. This is what you should believe. This is the way you should think."

Since then, we've had far less in the way of thinking outside of the box. We haven't had as many revolutionaries and innovators.

Modern colleges and science are heavily influenced by hat culture. The pre-hat era was supposedly less educated and less scientific--and yet, it seems far more accomplished to me.

And I think we're getting even more hat-ish today.

Just look at TV ratings, DVD sales and rentals, blog traffic, YouTube views, book sales, radio ratings, etc. You'll see evidence of hats. Nowadays, there's an endless sea of choices--but the world is still flocking to a few things. In the 70s and 80s, 15% of the population tuned in to a very popular TV show. Nowadays, that number is down to 5%--but we have access to 1000 timea as many choices. 1000 times as many choices--but it hardly even matters sometimes. Everyone's watching American Idol. And American Idol is very far being original.

Unoriginality tends to do very well nowadays. Unoriginal products, unoriginal works.

And the world doesn't have as many innovators, revolutionaries, and creative people as it used to. But there are some. I'm not saying there are none at all. There have been plenty since the 1920s. Like Richard Nixon. He altered his state of consciousness quite a bit, in many different ways on numerous occasions. And Mr. T. Definitely Mr. T.

I'm that way, too. And to some extent, that explains why I'm kind of a nobody. Because I'm dealing with hat wearers. That's why they're not going for what I'm doing. Because of the hat culture. I'm a comedian, for instance, and I haven't made it to wherever the hell comedians perform. Where do they perform? Carnegie Hall? Somewhere. The point is, I'm not highly regarded. I haven't won any Grammys. I haven't even had an album. Nobody wants to work with me. Even though I'm hilarious. I'm hilarious! I'm funny! I'm funny! I'm the funniest person on the planet!

But we're part of this era of conformity. We're going crazy with the whole hat thing. That really explains why I'm so unpopular. Does that explain it? It's one of the reasons. There are many reasons why. That's one of the main ones, I think. That's really the whole point of Hat Theory. It explains why I'm not popular, why I'm a nobody. Is that the point? No--there's more to it than that. But that's a big part of it.

It's a good thing I am so unpopular. Otherwise, I might not ever have developed Hat Theory. The world needs my Hat Theory. It's very important. But yeah--I'm a nobody, and I kind of explained why. So now you know. Although you don't know, because you're probably wearing one of those hats, and you see things differently.

I should be the most popular person in the world. I am very popular among aliens--because they haven't adopted hat culture. My average YouTube video gets a billion views among aliens. But those views don't show up on my view counts, because the aliens download the videos, and then they store them on their own servers. They don't want to download them from the earth's servers each and every time. They're located a million light years away. Why would they keep on sending data from earth to another planet? Wait--do aliens live on planets? Where do they live? I don't know. They're pretty vague about that. I don't really talk to them that often. I don't know why. You'd think I would, being that I'm so popular among them. But for some reason, they just ... I don't know. I haven't figured that one out yet. I don't have that much information on them. I do know my videos are popular. And some of these other popular people that you see nowadays are nobodies among aliens. And among non-hat wearers in general. I bet Tesla would've loved my comedy. I'll bet Mr. T likes it. Does Mr. T know about me? Probably not. But Tesla would've loved it. The Wright Brothers would've loved it. I don't know. Well, probably.

So take off your hat. If you want to go to my university. No hats allowed around here. There are signs at every entrance. "Take off your hats!" Well, you can wear a hat if you want--but don't just stand in line to receive your state-issued hat that everyone has. But you can wear a hat--because if I just tell you not to wear a hat, that's like making you wear a hat.

But anyways, in today's hat era, Apple gets ahead primarily by putting its brand on existing technologies. I think we're getting to a point where brands are taking over. Everything is a brand. Pretty soon, we'll just phase out the products and services. "We don't need products and services. We need brands."

There's going to be a meeting at Apple. And someone--probably the inventor of the iPod--is going to say, "You know what? We need to focus on the Apple brand. That's been our winning ticket over the last fifteen years. The Apple brand." "OK," they'll say. "So what do what do you want us to do?" And he'll respond, "Let's just get rid of all of the actual computers, iPods, iPhones, and iPads. The brand is what's selling." "OK," they'll say. "Good idea."

And that'll be it. Apple will be in the business of selling it's brand. Ten years from now, someone's going to say, "I just got back from the Apple Store. I bought a thousand dollars worth." [Person 2:] "A thousand dollars worth of what?" [Person 1:] "Oh--a thousand dollars worth of Apple." [Person 2:] "What do you mean a thousand dollars worth of Apple? Did you buy a computer?" [Person 1:]"No--just Apple." [Person 2:] "What--like a gift certificate, or..." [Person 1:] "No." [Person 2:] "Apple stock?" [Person 1:] "No, no. no. Apple." [Person 2:] "What the hell are you talking about? What did you buy?" [Person 1:] "Apple. I bought a thousand dollars worth of Apple. The brand." [Person 2:] "What do you mean Apple brand? Are you part owner of an Apple Store?" [Person 1:] "No--I bought a thousand dollars worth of Apple."

This actually seems like a possibility to me considering how for the last twenty years, Nike's put our commercials that show 29 seconds of compeltely random footage followed by one second of the Nike logo. We've already made it to that territory. Apple's just going to take it to the next level.

A week after that guy yells at his friend for buying a thousand dollars worth of Apple, he's going to call him up and say, "You have a thousand dollars worth of Apple, huh? Well guess what, buddy? I just bought two thousand dollars worth. How do you like that, asshole?

Pretty soon, the CEO of Apple is going to be like the head of the Federal Reserve. He's going to control the supply of Apple. There will be news resports on that "And in realted news, Apple just realeased $2 billion worth of Apple. Apple what? We have no idea."

Audio Version

Apple makes a ton of money mainly for popularizing techonologies. People didn't know they needed an mp3 player or a tablet. Apple let them know.

And in the case of a tablet, Apple pretty much created a demand.

People still aren't sure what a tablet is. Even Ron Popeil's pasta maker isn't like the iPad. "It makes pasta. I don't have any other machines that make pasta. This is the only device in the house that makes pasta."

The iPad is different. "I have an iMac, I have an iPhone, I have an iPod. Why do I need a tablet?"

And Apple said, "It's not about 'Why do I need?' It's just about 'I need.'"

iMacs, iPhones, iPads. I need. There's no why anymore. We're not sure what a tablet is--but we know we want one. That's basically Apple's invention. They eliminated the "Why do I need this?" "What is this good for?" and "How is this different from anything else?" Apple just said, "Buy it. You know you want it. Everyone wants it."

Apple has convinced us that everything revolves around iPads, iMacs, iPhones, and iPods. That's the main message of their ad campaign. "Without iDevices, there's nothing. There's no existence." Nowadays, when people from the city see a farm, they find it hard to believe that crops grow out of dirt. "It grows out of dirt? Where's the iPad?" I think farmers should put together ads countering Apple's ads. "Listen. These are fruits and vegetables. They grow out of dirt and on trees. There's no iBullshit involved."

Just look at what makes money nowadays. Vitamin Water? That's a moneymaking idea? What was the meeting like when that was created? The inventor presented a bottle of water to everyone else. And the CEO said, "Water! That's an amazing idea! Here's $100 million." And then the inventor said, "Wait. There's more. This is water... with vitamins." "Wow," said the CEO. "Here's $500 million. By the way--what do you call the stuff?" "That's the best part," replied the inventor. "It's called Vitamin Water." "Here's another $500 million," said the CEO. "For the life of me, I'll never figure out how you came up with that."

Vitamin supplements have been around for a long time. Water has been around for even longer. Who ever thought combining the two would be a billion dollar idea? Not me. And probably not the guy who combined them decades before Vitamin Water even existed. But people are getting paid for doing things like creating and marketing Vitamin Water.

That reminds me of Facebook. Someone became a billionaire by creating it. Even though it more or less already existed--as in MySpace and Friendster. It was more or less a generic social networking site with the brand name Facebook.

Facebook is a repackaged MySpace. MySpace was a repackaged Friendster. Friendster was a repackaged message board. There's not much new. And people go crazy over it. Even the internet and world wide web. They kind of existed a long time ago. They're essentailly a system of sharing computer files publicly over something like a phone line. Most, but not all of the elements were already in place. But no one really developed the internet and web. I will give the world credit, though. It developed a great system. HTML, search engines, email, etc.

But iPods, Vitamin Water, and Facebook? Are those inventions? Maybe I should become an inventor, too. Here are some of my inventions:

Facechair--the world's first social networking chair. When you sit on it, it scans our elbows, and adds their images to the database.

Hammer Toothpaste--a combination hammer and toothpaste dispenser. I mean, whenever I brush my teeth, there's never a hammer around. Imagine having a toothpaste dispenser that doubles as a hammer.

The iPod Medallion--a round iPod you wear around your neck, complete with the spinning techonology you see on car rims. Just imagine some guy walking down the street, blasting music on his iPod medallion. People will be all like, "Yo--man. Where's that music coming from?" And then the the guy will show them. "From my iPod Medallion." That should be the commercial.

The Burrito Sandwich--a sandwich inside of a burrito inside of a sandwich inside of a burrito. You won't even know what the hell you're eating.

So those are some of my inventions. Someone give me money.

I will give Apple some credit. Their products are user friendly. That's a big deal to me.

I think the world needs more user friendly products. I actually pitched an idea to Microsoft the other day. A version of Windows 7 for people who don't know shit about computers. Because a lot of people don't know shit abot computers. And that's OK. Not everyone should spend time and effort learning how to do something like, say, connecting a digital camera to a computer, extracting the photos, and then emailing those files or send them to an online photo printer.

So I think the world needs a user friendly version of Windows. And when I say user friendly, I mean it. Your main screen has 10-20 main links. They say things like "Click here to turn off your computer." "Click here to check your emails." "Click here to go to the internet." Etc. There's also a button on your mouse shaped like a question mark. If you want more information on what something is or how to do something, just run your mouse over it and click your question mark button. A video will then pop up and tell you what you need to know. And I don;t mean a standard tutorial. The video will feature some other guy who doesn't know shit about computers, and Bill Gates will tell him what to do.

Anyways, I pitched the idea to Bill Gates. I was very close to closing a $10 million deal with him. And then I decided to get into an argument. Because he wanted to make Bing and Windows Live Mail / Hotmail the default programs used. And of course, I had to tell him how wrong he was. "Bill. Enough of this bullshit. Just get rid of Bing and whatever the hell you're calling Microsoft email. Sell those aasets to Google and move on. Your online assets are garbage. I like Windows 7, MS Word, MovieMaker, etc.--but there's no way I'm going to send people to Bing or MS Mail."

So that was the end of our deal. Bill actually called security and had them escort me out of the building. Anyways, the point is, user friendliness is important. I'll give Apple some credit for that. I appreciate products that are user friendly. And I'm sure they do the world plenty of good.

I think it's interesting how a lot of people in the over 45 group are clueless when it comes to technology. Once it comes to technology, they have no idea what's going on. Some of them are out in the world, they have power, they run huge companies, they do this, they do that, and then they come home, and they don't even know how to turn on their TVs.

Of course, technolgy has become more and more complex over time.

Back in the 70s, there wasn’t much to a TV. Hook it up to an antenna, plug it in. On. Off. Volume up. Volume down. Channel Up. Channel down.

Then we added cable. And then, a VCR. A nintendo. A cable box. With a guide. A DVD player. A Tivo. There's this remote, there's that remote. Your TV's on, but your cable box is off. Your cable box is on, but your TV's off. You're using the wrong remote. Now you're using the right remote--but you need to press Cable first, and then Power. If you want to watch TV, get your TV remote and press Input. But don't select TV. Select HDMI1. That'll get you TV. After you do that, get your cable box remote. And press Cable. You got your long form. You got your short form. You got your Season Pass. You got your Season Ticket. You want to watch a DVD? Press Input again. No---not on your cable box remote. Your TV remote. Press Input, and select HDMI3. Don't use a 1040 for that. Your business income goes on another form. Use the guide. To browse. If you want a specific program, use search. How do you get to search? Press menu. No--not on your TV remote. On your cable box remote. Press menu. There are 127 buttons on that remote. Find the one that says menu. Then select search. Then deduct your business expenses. On Line 2. Of form 47. No--you're using the wrong form. And the wrong remote. And the wrong TV. I think you went into the wrong house. Look around. You're in the wrong house. Those aren't your kids. That's not your wife. You're using the wrong remote, and you're in the wrong house. You're in ths wrong state. You live in Springfield, Missouri. Not Springfield, Massachusetts. Put down all fifteen remotes, and get the hell out of that house. Otherwise, you're going to miss 60 Minutes. And you might get arrested for trespassing. You'll get to see next week's episode of 60 minutes. In jail. Maybe. They don't have Tivo there. I don't know if you'll get TV time during 60 Minutes.

So that's what watching TV is like nowadays. And then of course, this all leads to some guy calling tech support and saying, "How do I turn on my TV?"

And then the tech support guy starts asking questions. "Sir, what brand and model of cable box do you have?” Of course, they never put that information on the front of the box. [Customer:] “Uh... where can I find the model number.” [Support:] "Sir--you have to unscrew the box. The model number’s listed inside."

And at some point, he calls for a remote change. [Support:] "Sir--you need your TV remote." [Customer:] "What remote do I have now?" [Support:] "That's your cable box remote. You need your TV remote."

And that starts off a scavenger hunt. "My TV remote?" He's searching here and there, in this cabinet and that cabinet, under his couch, over his refrigerator, and he can't find it. He's still looking for it. The guy’s wife is in labor, and he doesn’t even care. He wants to turn on the TV. [Wife:] “Honey--I’m in labor.” [Customer / Husband:] “OK--go to the hospital. I‘ll meet you there after I find the TV remote.” He's sweating bullets, doing acrobatics to reach in cabinets for a remote. It's almost like he's the one in labor. The tech support guy ends up coaching him on Lamaz breathing. "Ok, sir. Breathe in, breathe out. Press input while you're breathing out."