Rodney Ohebsion

The Internet

The internet is one of the greatest inventions ever. It's even better in theory. "We can share anything. Quickly and easily. For free. That should lead to another enlightenment." That's what we expected.

But then you actually read a few blog posts, go through a few Facebook comments, and watch some YouTube videos. At that point, you're not thinking enlightenment anymore. You're thinking world war.

"The Internet. Where anyone can comment on anything." Again, it seems like a great idea. But when you actually read those comments, you kind of want to delete the entire internet.

Interestingly enough, there's a popular program that does nothing but hide comments on YouTube. That's all it does. When you add that program to your computer, you can go to YouTube and watch videos, but the comments won't show up. People actually created a program for doing just that. And plenty of people use it. "Yes. I need a comment blocker. I want to watch videos on YouTube. But I don't want to see those comments. I don't even want to ignore them or scan past them. I want to obliterate them from the face of my compter." There's actually a program just for that. Which might seem a little strange at first. But after you've spent some time on YouTube, a comment hider seems like a pretty good idea.

If someone creates a guide to the internet, he should start off with that. Chapter one. "OK. Let me start off by talking about YouTube comment blockers, and why they exist." That should be at the very beginning. He should get to that before the part about accessing emails.

When people were first creating computers, did anyone envision something like a YouTube comment blocker? When some guy was working on computer technology in the 50s, did he think to himself, "I'll bet one day, almost all computers will be connected together. There'll be some sort of system for sharing everything. It'll let anyone post or access anything. Text, pictures, and videos. There'll be millions of hours worth of videos. And people will have the option of leaving comments on those videos. The videos will be there, and anyone will be able to type whatever they want about them. Or reply to something someone else said about them. And of course, the people leaving those comments will end up calling each other 'Jew nigger faggot bitch motherfuckers.' Obviously. That's a given. I mean, with compters, videos, and a comment system in place, we're going to end up with a lot of people saying, "Kill yourself, you jew nigger faggot bitch motherfucker." So I guess we'll have to create a program that'll block those comments. I should get working on that right now. A comment blocker. People will want to watch the videos without coming across the comments."

Yeah. I think there's a Nostradamus prophecy about that.

But again, I think at some point, the internet will cause world World War III. Two people will be arguing on a message board. About something like Justin Bieber. The debate will branch out into other topics and draw in more people. And that'll lead to a few alliances, an attack, and a world war.

Internet debates are amazing. "You seriously disagree with me when it comes to Justin Bieber? That's it. I want you dead. Let's fight to the death. You should be prepared to die for your beliefs about Justin Bieber. Otherwise, what kind of internet user are you?"

It doesn't matter where you are. As long as you're online, that's what you'll come across. I don't care if you're at a Stanford science forum. At some point, two people will declare their undying hatred for one another. Due to a disagreement about physics. And Justin Bieber. "After all, I hate Justin Bieber. And that other guy only kind of hates him. That son of a bitch. And he's also wrong about quantum physics."

The internet is really opinionated. When it comes to everything. Just do or say anything anywhere on the internet, and you'll get some serious opinions. Even if you post a picture of cheese. That's enough. People will be at each others' e-throats over that picture.

On the internet, cheese is enough for a lengthy debate. And mentioning anything about Israel will lead to an internet war. Just say "Israel," and a million people will start arguing. "Israel? I love Israel." "Fuck Israel." "Fuck you."

It doesn't matter where you go. Even if you're at Nickelodeon.com. As soon as Israel is mentioned, a bunch of ten year olds are transformed into al-Qaeda members and Israeli special forces.

The internet is the most opinionated place everywhere. It's like everyone on the internet has a machine gun--but instead of shooting bullets, it shoots opinions. People pull the trigger, and they don't let go. "I have to form and distribute as many opinions as possible, as quickly as possible." He pulls the trigger, and there he goes. "George Bush is a war criminal, Citizen Kane is the greatest movie ever, the debt ceiling should be raised, lawyers are evil, Netflix should change its pricing plan, Cisco Systems is undervalued, teachers should be paid more, Justin Bieber should be paid less, dentists should do this, steel companies should do that, we should use more nuclear energy and less coal, spend more money on Africa and less money in Afghanistan..."

And everyone starts with this premise: "I KNOW EVERYTHING." I've never come across someone on the internet who didn't have that belief. "I know everything." Pow pow pow pow pow pow pow pow. I know everything. That's the name of the gun they use. It's not an AK-47. It's an IK-Infinity. I know everything.

If you bring up any topic anywhere on the world wide web, half a billion people will rush in and act like they know everything about it. It's truly unbelievable. A countless number of people are convinced they're experts on everything imaginable. And they're eager to let you know about it. "I must share my knowledge and wisdom with the world." They can't conceive of the possibility that they might not know all there is nto know about genetics, or Jimmy Carter, or running a website, or promoting an album. In their minds, they just know. Why? Why not! "Of course I know! Of course I know! Stock prices are headed up 20% over the next year. And NBC should cancel so-and-so show and replace it with this. And all obese people can easily lose weight by doing these five things. And this governs gas prices. And..." It never stops. They have it all figured out. They hold that belief, and it makes them spout their ignorant bullshit nonstop.

I'm even worse. I've never come across another human being and not thought, "I know more than he does." Never!

The internet is the world's leading producer of opinions. They're all over the place. There is, however, a shortage of knowledge. Every second, there's an opinion flood and a knowledge drought.

You're not required to know something in order to have an opinion. And you're definitely not required to think. Thought is as uncommon as knowledge. After all, you wouldn't want your opinion gun to get jammed with thought. Thought just gets in the way of having an opinion.

Nowadays, just about anyone can post something on the internet and make it available to the world. Again, that seems great in theory. Because it seems like the internet has opened everything up to the general public. But if you've actually spent a lot of time on the itnernet, you realize that the new system has drawbacks. You know that when someone decides to post something on the internet, he he usually does so out of insanity. I'm not saying he's insane. But it's an act of insanity. And that insanity is influential.

There should be a rule. Any time someone posts anything online, he should be forced to slap himself. Especially is that person is a celebrity.

Hundreds of years ago, Voltaire said, "The multitude of books is making us ignorant," and Chamfort said, "[A]lmost all books are corrupters, and... the best do almost as much evil as good." They weren't too fond of books. Imagine the two of them browsing through an internet forum or a celebrity gossip blog for a few minutes. They'd never touch a computer again for the rest of their lives.

The internet makes books look good by comparison. I'll bet that publishing companies were pretty happy about the internet when it first came out. They thought, "Once people spend few hours online, they're going to flock to books." Little did they know that a decade and a half later, millions of people would be retweeting how Ashton Kutcher bought a pair of sneakers.

There are bullets everywhere on the internet. It's a sea of bullets. Or it's like Venice. Your web browser is a boat. And just like how Venice is actually just a sewer in plain sight of everyone, the internet's opinions are basically sewage. Opinions on the internet are like the sewage of bullets.

They're everywhere. And they're not going anywhere.

Just about everything on the internet is saved. Once again, that's great in theory. Then you come across some content. And you think maybe some of it shouldn't stick around.

25,000 years from now, someone will come across some random comment on YouTube, and think, "Holy crap--this guy really hated Snooki. Who the hell's Snooki?"

Can you imagine what the internet would be like now if it had been invented two thousand years ago? Jesus would've had a blog that would still be online today. People would've left comments.

Just imagine going to Jesus's blog and seeing a 2 millennium old comment. July 3, 30. Bill said: "Nice religion, douchebag. No one's going to follow some loser who can't even afford sneakers. You and your 12 Apostles are gay."

Jesus would've followed up with a Christian response and ended with, "Even though you seem to hate me, I still love you. Jesus will always love you."

And the other guy would've said, "You're getting gayer and gayer by the minute. I don't care how many towns you go to. You and the Apostles will never spread the Gospel. The only thing you'll spread is AIDS."

I think Jesus's Christian attitude might've converted that guy. Because there aren't too many Christian-like people on the internet. I've never seen an exchange like "Drop dead, douche." Reply - "I love you." We need some sort of a modern internet Jesus. He should go from website to website just like Jesus went from town to town.

So almost everything on the internet sticks around. Which is fine when it comes to most of its content. But we should destroy some things that are on the internet. I don't think internet memes should make it past a decade or so. Do we really want someone to get Rick Rolled 25,000 years from now? I have a feeling that might lead to the destruction of the universe. We need to put some sort of Mission Impossible device on certain comments, blog posts, etc. "Your message will self-destruct in ten days. No one needs to know your opinion of Snooki ten days from now."

But once again, the internet is full of opinions. There's never going to be a shortage. The world is never going to have an emergency meeting and say, "We need more opinions on the internet." Barack Obama's not going to put together a stimulus package. He's not going to address Congress and tell them, "ChristianKiller144 used to post 8.4 comments a day on YouTube. Now it's down to 4.3. We need to hire people to get him to run his mouth more."

There's no shortage of opinions. But there is a shortage of patience. The Internet is killing patience. It's using up the world's supply. Pretty soon, there won't be much left anywhere. We've become so used to getting everything instantly.

Before, we had to go to the library and find the right book, or get on the phone and find the right person, or wait for a channel to air our favorite sitcom episode. But with the internet, you're seconds away from watching that sitcom episode while reading that book while chatting with that person. And there's pornography, too.

A sea of content is available through a click or search. You can go from one universe to another in just one click. There's no counterpart for that in the real world. There are no concerts featuring Garth Brooks, Tupac, and Barney the Dinosaur. No one holds gun club meetings right next to an Abercrombie and Fitch.

The internet is begging us to jump from one thing to another to another. It's giving people ADD. I'll bet the makers of Ritalin were happy when the internet took off. I should buy some stock in that company.

Nowadays, if we don't get everything all at once, we lose our minds.

Tim Berners-Lee--it's your fault. You founded the web. The blood's on your hands.

A few years from now, he'll realize he brought an end to patience. "What have I done! I didn't know this would happen. I was just doing some html http bullshit."

Yeah--you didn't think that one through, Timmy. I guess you're not the visionary we thought you were.

I love Time Berners-Lee. He's a great man. But he killed patience.

I think we're getting a little carried away with the internet. We don't even confine it to computers anymore. It's on our phones. Two months after smart phones took off, patience filed for bankruptcy.

We need some sort of patience conservationist movement. The hell with saving trees. We need to save patience. The government should round up people who are on their iPhones, lock them in a room contining nothing at all, and leave them there for a few hours. Throw them in the hole. Force people to spend a few hoursa a week there. Otherwise, there won't be much patience left in the world.

At least nowadays, we actually wait for something to happen before we form opinions. But ten years from now, opinions will actually precede events. We'll beat them to the punch. You won't even have to wait. There won't be a waiting period.

You won't have to wait for a celebrity scandal. People will start forming opinions before the scandal. [Person 1:] "That Angelina Jolie is trash. I can't believe she left Brad Pitt for Jake Gylenhall." [Person 2:] "But she's not with Jake Gylnehall. She doesn't even know him. She hasn't left Brad Pitt." [Person 1:] "She's going to, though. I know she is. She's unbelievable. I hate her!"

And presidents will be judged before they're even elected. Before they're even born. [Person 1:] "George Bush III is the worst president ever. He's a war criminal, he's a terrorist, and he doesn't like Arrested Development." [Person 2:] "He hasn't even been born yet." [Person 1:] "I don't care. We need to impeach him. A preemptive impeachment. He's like John Connor. We need to sterilize his mother."

That sounds pretty internety. That'll be the internet five years from now. But it's not like things are any less ridiculous now.

One thing I've learned about the internet is that everyone on it is a lunatic. When you're online, just assume that's the case. My long term experience has shown me that that's a good assumption to make.

I used to wait for signs that someone was insane. And even then, I was still reluctant to actually conclude anything. It used to be, "I should’ve realized this guy was insane when he said Bush and bin Laden were tennis partners." But nowadays, it's, "I should’ve realized he was insane when he posted something on the internet." And pretty soon, it'll be, "This guy's on the internet. He's insane." You don't have to wait for signs of insanity. The very fact that someone is posting something--that's your sign. I should know. I post a lot on the internet, and I'm nuts.

The internet's crazy. For instance, 70% of people are religion-hating atheists, 25% are religious fundamentalists, and the other 5% want to kill the other 95%.

We're talking about a place where a forum post about marijuana can lead to a 300 page exchange of insults, a video of a sneezing panda has 200 million views, the official anthem is a 1980s Rick Astley song, Jews are responsible for 9/11 and Hurricane Everything, saying that you're "not really into Arrested Development" is considered heresy, and pirating content is considered a right and duty.

Everyone on the internet is crazy. I'm not 100% sure why, but I do have some theories.

My best guess is that I'm on the wrong internet. Maybe http:// is for the psycho internet, and some other prefix takes you to the sane one. I tried http/, http::, and http:/, but none of them worked.

Or maybe I'm on the right internet, but there's some sort of conspiracy that's keeping it insane. Maybe some secret society is removing everything but the insane content.

Imagine what it would be like if the internet were a real place. Like a city. Internet City.

Let's look around Internet City.

There are huge Justin Bieber posters everywhere. Only there's graffiti all over them. And the graffiti says: "Justin Bieber's Gay!" That's actually the offical city motto. Well, in addition ot the other one. "Internet City: The Land of Opinions and Impatience. Justin Bieber's Gay."

Let's head on down the Internet City fashion district. There are a lot of ninja suits there. They're in high demand. And they're free. Emmitt Sanders of Seattle just put one on. And now he's just a guy in a Ninja suit. With a name tag that says Ace145. No one knows he's Emmitt Sanders of Seattle. He's basically anonymous. And what does that do? It removes the limit on his Insult Card. Outside of Internet City, his Insult card has a $5,000 spending limit. On the internet, there's no limit at all. And he doesn't even have to pay his bills. And in his mind, there's a rewards program. "I'll get 1% cash back."

And there you go. Ace145 is on an insult shopping spree. He comes across someone and says, "You don't know who I am, do you? No? Are you sure? OK. Well, in that case... I hate everything about you. Kill yourself."

What did Ace145 do before the internet? Did he just call random people in the phonebook and tell them off? "May I speak with Aaron Abramson?" "Speaking." "Mr. Abramson--you're a piece of garbage. Kill yourself."

Kill yourself. That's the most common greeting on the internet. Offline, it's "hi" or "hello." Online, it's "kill yourself."

That's also the motto of Internet City. "Internet City: The Land of Opinions and Impatience. Kill Yourself. Justin Bieber's Gay."

What else do people do in Internet City? They use their thumbs a lot. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Thumbs down. Everyone has carpal tunnel syndrome. (Because of the thumbs. Not what you're thinking.) Go into Tony's Authentic Italian Pizzeria, and you'll see a lot of the people there with a thumb up or a thumb down. 23 thumbs up. 4 thumbs down. What does Tony have to say about that? "4 people think the Olive Garden serves real Italian food."

And next to the pizzeria, there are a hundred thousand people in a stadium. Watching a cat chasing a lazer, or a panda sneezing. And there are 3512 thumbs up, and 574 thumbs down. "574 people have been molested by pandas."

And when people aren't using their thumbs, they're sword fighting. Especially at places like IMDB square. It's supposedly a place for discussing movies and TV. But in reality, it's the swordfighting capital of the world. Someone says, "Arrested Development is the greatest sitcom ever." And then someone else replies, "You know what? It's good--but I don't love it." [Person 1:] "Oh--really. You sir, have insulted me. I challenge you to a duel!"

CHING CHING CHING CHING.

Yeah. It's a 275 comment duel. It was originally about Arrested Development, but it quickly branched off into a few dozen other topics, like communism, vaccines, quantum physics, Israel, the history of steel, and Justin Bieber's sexual orientation. And both parties are armed with their insult cards--as well as their swords.

Like everywhere else in the world, there are some strange customs in Internet City. It's not uncommon for someone to stop a random person right in the middle of the street, and say something like "I just ate a bag of Doritos. My favorite movies include The Shawshank Redemption, When Harry Met Sally, and Scarface. My favorite musicians are Usher, Mariah Carey, and Paul McCartney. And definitely not Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber's gay!"

Oh. And there's a bookstore in Internet City. Let's go in there. [Customer:] "Where are your books on 9/11 conspiracies?" [Employee:] "Floor 2."[Customer:] "Where on floor 2?" [Employee:] "The entire floor, asshole!"

And on floor three, there are books on History. The Ancient History section covers events from three years ago. Not the fall of Rome, but the fall of MySpace. And things from ten years ago don't even qualify as history. They're in the Myths and Legends section. "AltaVista: Did it really exist? We don't know." "Netscape. According to a Nordic legend, there was a browser known as Netscape."

And what about the health section? It's mostly marijuana books. Marijuana: The Cure for Cancer. Marijuana Saved My Life. The Three Food Groups: Pancakes, Corn Chips, and Marijuana. The Marijuana Diet. Smoke This--It's Good For You. Marijuana: The Cure for 1001 Illnesses. No--Not 1001. Make That a Million and One. Billion and One. Trillion and One.

The books are all printed on hemp paper. The entire store is made of hemp. The entire city is made of hemp. And Joe Rogan is the mayor. There's also an ambassador to Israel. And he wants to wipe Israel off the face of the planet.

And next to City Hall, there's a Fox News building--and a hundred million people protesting outside of it. Every single day. [Person 1:] "Fox News is not fair and balanced! They're calling themselves fair and balanced--but they're not!" [Person 2:] "Yeah. We know. You've been telling us that every day for the last ten years." [Person 1:] "Yeah. But they're not doing what I want. What the hell is going on here! We need to get the word out. Tell everyone you know. And everyone you don't know. Even if you've already told them. Tell them again. Fox News is not fair and balanced! Fox News is not fair and balanced!"

And what about internet ads? They're not even part of Internet City. The links are part of Internet City--but any time you click on one, a portal takes you to another universe.

Welcome to the universe of internet ads. Everywhere you look someone's selling gold for the price of silver. Only it is silver. Plated.

And here's an exchange you'll find a lot in the universe of internet ads. [Advertiser:] "You want to go to Disneyland? I'll take you there. Just give me your email address." [Internet User:] "No--I don't want to give you my email address. I don't want you to send me..." [Advertiser:] "No--just give me your email address. I'll take you to Disneyland." [Internet User:] "No--I'd rather not." [Advertiser:] "Just give me your email address." [Internet User:] "No--I don't..." [Advertiser:] "GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADRESS." [Internet User:] "No. I'm going to go." [Advertiser:] "Are you sure you want to leave?!"

When you try to leave a shady website, it stops you. A confirmation box pops up and asks, "Are you sure you want to leave? I'm asking you. You said you wanted to leave. Are you sure? Think about it."

Does that ever work? Does anyone ever say, "You know what? You're right! I don't want to leave. What was I thinking? Why would I want to leave your piece of garbage website? I thought I wanted to leave. But it took your confirmation box to make me realize I want to stay. This is where I belong. Now what were you saying about gold for the price of silver?"

It does work in the real world, though. The "are you sure you want to leave" angle. "Are you sure you want to leave Wal-Mart? We sell 12 packs of beer for just 44 cents. Get back here." "Are you sure you want to leave our car dealership? I can get you that red Audi. $3,000 off." "Are you sure you don't want to have sex with me? In case you didn't realize it, you're pretty drunk. By the way, I'm very rich. If you don't believe me, take a look at my cufflinks. Pay no attention to the Honda Civic I drive."

Instead of asking you if you want to leave a website that's trying to con you, a computer should ask you to confirm some of your other decisions. "Are you sure you want to spend another five hours playing Pac-Man?" "Are you sure you want to bid $500 on a Smurf lunchbox?" "Are you sure you want to call your friend an asshole on his Facebook wall?" "Are you sure you want to search for transsexual golden showers?"

"Yes I'm sure."

A computer should do that. And it shouldn't even limit itself to computer decisions.

Google has a lot of information on you. It should follow you around when you're not on your computer.

"Are you sure you want to eat another donut? You've already had five. I'm counting. I know you're not counting. But I'm counting." "Are you sure you want to join the Black Panther Party? You do realize you're white." "Are you sure you want to drink $5 worth of Wal-Mart beer?" "Are you sure you want to sleep with that guy? He's not rich. And his cufflinks are made of plastic."

Google knows a lot about you. It collects data any time you do something. Sometimes Google knows things that you don't even know about yourself. You might not know you're a workaholic, but Google knows. You might not know you can afford a new car, but Google knows. You might not know you're gay, but Google knows.

Pretty soon, Google is going to tell its users if they're gay. Which is why I expect Tom Cruise to sue Google around 2015. [Tom Cruise:] "What do you mean I'm gay! I'm going to sue you. ... Bill. Call my lawyer. We're going to sue Google." [Tom Cruise's Assistant Bill:] "Mr. Cruise--it's software." [Tom Cruise:] "I don't care. It's calling me gay."

Cruise v. Google. I think that's going to be a historic case. They'll probably take it to the Supreme Court.

I could never sue Google. I love Google.

Google is the greatest company ever. Just type in a few letters--like PIZ--and Google will take it from there:

"Oh, you must mean Bob's Pizzeria. You went there six months ago. Here's the phone number. Here's the address. Here are directions. Do you want us to drive you there? We'll drive you there. We'll send over a Google cab. Do you want to go to Disneyland, too? Do you want some ice cream? Ice cream?"

That's Google. It's just pizza, Dinseyland, and ice cream. Although to be honest, I actually meant to type in PUZ and search for puzzles. Maybe it was a Freudian slip. Or maybe Google changed PUZ to PIZ. "This guy doesn't want puzzles. He wants pizza. Obviously. Just look at his search history. The other day, he searched for triangles, and then tomatoes. You know what that means."

Google is everything that Ask Jeeves should've been. Ask Jeeves--which is now Ask.com--is a website that made itself out to be your personal butler. As in, "Tell Jeeves what you want him to do." But in reality, it was just a search engine. But Google is better than a butler. It's like Mary Poppins. It pulls out its magic bag, and it can do anything. Whenever I run a Google search, I kind of expect it to go, "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." I'll bet Mary Poppins didn't actually have magic powers. She just used Google.

Google has built up so much goodwill with me, that even if it were somehow take a ton of PCP, go to an orphanage, and kill 100 kids, I'd have to let it slide. "Yeah--Google killed a bunch of orphans. But do know how muych time it's saved me?"

Other companies on the internet aren't so great. Like AOL.

A few years ago, cancelling your AOL account was like trying to leave the mafia. This was their motto: "Once you've got mail, you've got mail for life. You got that? Kapeesh?"

They wouldn't even let people cancel their accounts online. "AOL," they shouted. "America Online. You can do anything online." But as soon as anyone said, "Can I cancel my account online?" they replied, "No--call us up." You had to call an internet company to cancel your internet service.

And whenever someone called, they made him go to war. Because over at AOL accounts, they told their employees, "People are going to call us and try to cancel their accounts--like they have a choice or something. What you need to do is break their wills. Destroy them. We'll give you a bonus if they stay with AOL. And we'll give another bonus if they end up in a mental institute. Just make sure they don't commit suicide. Dead people don't have credit cards."

I'll bet even those crazy pro wrestler types had a tough time cancelling their AOL accounts. Just imagine the Rock on the phone with AOL:

[The Rock:] "Finally, the Rock is cancelling his AOL account." [AOL:] "Uh OK. What's your username?" [The Rock:] "therock@aol.com" [AOL:] "Oh. OK. Well, we actually have a special offer for you." [The Rock:] "Well, what's the offer?" [AOL:] "We can..." [The Rock:] "It doesn't matter what your offer is! The Rock doesn't want AOL."

[AOL:] "Oh. OK. Alright. Now, I can do one of two things for you, Rock. I can either cancel your account, or I can give you threee free months of AOL." [The Rock:] "The Rock doesn't want AOL. It doesn't matter if it's free. The Rock wants to cancel his AOL account."

[AOL:] "OK, great So I can do one of three things for you, Rock. I can cancel your account, I can give you three free months, or I can give you nine months for just $5 per month." [The Rock:] "You're not listening to the Rock. The Rock doesn't want AOL. He doesn't want it if it's discounted. He doesn't want it if it's free. He does not want it on a train. He does not want it on a plane. The Rock doesn't want AOL. Period."

[AOL:] "OK, great. So you want to renew your subscription?" [The Rock:] "No, no. The Rock wants to cancel his account." [AOL:] "OK, great. May I ask why you want to cancel your account." [The Rock:] "It doesn't matter why the Rock wants to cancel his account!"

I think the AOL guy would end up completely destroying the Rock at some point. Like 20 minutes into it. The Rock would be finished.

[The Rock:] "The Rock... the Rock... just wants you to cancel his AOL acount. That's it. That's all the Rock wants." [AOL:] "Well let me just say this, Rock. I can give you 15 months for just $6 per month. How does that sound?"

It would turn into one of those "I Quit" matches--the ones that go on until a wrestler actually quits. It would be the Rock vs. the AOL guy. And my money would be on the AOL guy.

[AOL:] "OK, Rock. I can give you 6 free months, and give you 6 additional months for just $5.99 a month." ... [The Rock:] "OK. The Rock will take your offer. Finally, the Rock has come back to AOL." [AOL:] "You never left, Rock. You never left AOL. And you never will leave AOL. And do you want to know why?" [The Rock:] "Yes. Yes. The Rock would like to know why." [AOL:] "Listen up, and listen good, Rocky. You might be high flying and electrifying in that wrestling ring. But around here, at AOL accounts, you're nothing but a jabroni. ... And that's the bottom line, because AOL said so."

So AOL went with that strategy for a while. And eventually, they got sued for it. And a few years ago, it became much easier to cancel your account.

Nowadays, when you tell people you use AOL, they act like you drive a Ford Edsel or Pinto. "What do you mean you use AOL? Is your computer stuck in 2002?"

In 2011, AOL bought the Huffington Post for $300 million. How did AOL even have $300 million? I know they paid for it in stock--but AOL stock should be like Zimbabwean currency. You should need a truckload of it to buy a grape. Or to buy a blog with 10 followers. AOL shouldn’t be acquiring anyone. If anything, it should be acquired. By some crackhead on the street. “In recent news, some crackhead won $100 in a dice game and used it to buy AOL.”

I think it's hard for some people to get off of AOL. They don't want to change their email address, and they're used to the AOL software. They need some sort of Nicorette gum or patch to make the move to Google.

They shouldn't make the move to Yahoo.

Yahoo is insane. They used to have a file backup service called Yahoo Briefcase. I used it for a few years. Then they discontinued it. And they deleted my files. They notified me six months in advance. But still. How can you delete someone's backup files?

They discontinue a lot of their services. They paid billions of dollars for Broadcast.com, and they threw it away. They used to have Yahoo Auctions, and they got rid of that--even though it had plenty of users.

I'll bet the head of Yahoo has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. "We gotta get rid of Yahoo Auctions." "But people are using it." "I don't care. Discontinue it. And let's change our logo. Let's make it green on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and pink of all other days."

That guy needs a Google psychiatrist. Not a Yahoo psychaitrist.

I can't believe so many people actually use Yahoo. They have some pretty good Web Rankings. As does Microsoft Bing.

According to Alexa Web Rankings, Bing is one of the most popular websites in the world. Who actually uses Bing? I become like Jerry Seinfeld when it comes to this. "Who are these people?"

Seriously. Who are they? I think there are some aliens using the internet. That's the only explanation that makes sense. Aliens are using Bing.

I've never come across someone using Bing. Most people haven't even heard of it. Everyone's heard of Google. It's synonymous with web searching. "Just Google it." No one's even heard of Bing. No one's going to say, "Just Bing it." You say that, and you'll end up in prison. They'll think you're a pedophile. "The guy's talking about binging things. He's probably a pedophile."

Bing. The Preferred Site of Pedophiles.

Microsoft will probably sue me for that. Bill Gates's lawyer is going to call me soon. Don't worry, Bill. Even if I call Bing the preferred site of pedophiles, you won't lose any users. No one uses Bing. It's just aliens. And aliens don't care about pedophilia. They're all pedophiles. In alien culture, pedophilia is completely acceptable. We have to do something about that. We have to march on down there and put them in prison. We can do it. After all, we put a man on the moon. We need to go down to alienland and put everyone in jail for pedophilia.

It's a shame how tweets just come and go. Some people have a ton of tweets. I think they should print them out and wallpaper their homes with them.

Twitter is best known for having a 140 character limit. It's like someone who constantly interrupts you. [You:] "And that's when he got on one knee and said..." [Twitter:] "OK. That's enough."

Twitter's very eager to hear what you have to say. "Yes, yes. Go ahead." Until you reach the character limit. "You know what? Shut up."

Here's how I think Twitter was invented. I think some person was annoyed by all of the blog entires and comments on the internet. "I hate this shit. I want to eliminate it. But since that's not going to happen, how about I limit people to 140 characters? I'll popularize the 140 character limit. That's not getting them to shut up--but it's the next best thing." He's telling people, "Since I can't silence you altogether, can you at least keep it to 140 characters?"

Or maybe someone just wanted people to be concise. He wanted the world to start summing up books in one tweet. He thought, "We won't have to read books anymore. Some people will fgure out how to sum up a book in 140 characters. War and Peace used to be 1400 pags long. But thanks to Twitter, it'll be 140 characters long."

Is that what people do on Twitter? Do they sum up a 1400 page book in 140 characters? Not really. Instead, they tweet about how they just ate pancakes. "I just ate pancakes. 2 of them." Twitter is primairly a means of letting people know what you had for breakfast. Sometimes you don't have anough room left to include important information. Like how many panckaes you ate. That can be a problem. "Holy shit. I'm following this guy on twitter. He had pancakes--but I don't know how many."

I post a lot of videos on YouTube--only most of my uploads aren't videos at all. They're basically just audio files. You hear me, but you don't see me. And once, someone left me an insult-filled comment that included the remark, "You sound fat."

I sound fat. That's a new one. Here's what I think happened. The commenter was really hoping I was fat. Why? Because that would give him a lot of ammunition. He wanted to insult me--and calling me fat was high on his wishlist. "Yes--I definitely want to call this guy fat." But he could only hear me. So be saw what he wanted to see. He couldn't actually see me, so he just said, "Yeah--this guy's fat. He sounds fat. What a fat ass."

Maybe I should respond and tell him that he types fat. "You typed that comment like a fat ass. I can tell your fingers are fat. How can your spacebar stand getting pressed by your fat thumbs? Make that thumb. You only press the spacebar wtih your right thumb. Your other hand is always holding a Bic Mac. You probably wear out ten keyboards a month with your fat right thumb. I'll bet sometimes, you have to choose between buying a new keyboard and buying a new hamburger. You fat ass."

I think I might do that.

YouTube comments are pretty interesting. I think 90% of them are part of a conspiracy. I think a lot of people on YouTube work for the funeral industry. They're just trying to sell some plots and tombstones. People from the indsutry got together and said, "How can we get people to buy more of what we're selling?" And someone said, "Let's create 50 million YouTube accounts, and tell people to kill themselves." And there you have it. Any time you do anything on YouTube, 10 people rush in and say, "Kill yourself, bro."

Yeah--you guys aren't fooling us. You're just trying to sell more coffins.

One guy who saw one of my YouTube uploads decided to email me something like that. He said, "Do you really think people care about what you have to say? You shouldn't. P.S. Have you killed yourself yet?"

And I responded, "Thanks so much for setting me straight. If I do kill myself, I'll be sure to let you know right after I pull the trigger. And if it isn't too much trouble, please arrange to have the contents of your email put on my tombstone. You can leave out the P.S part, though. It'll be pretty unnecessary. My corpse will let everyone know that I did in fact kill myself. Actually, I changed my mind. Leave the P.S. It'll be a nice touch. My dead body will be like a reply to your email. 'Have you killed yourself yet?' Response: My Dead Body."

That was before I knew about the conspiracy. That guy was just trying to sell a coffin. Like a lot of other people on YouTube.

Oh--and let's not forget about the people telling you that you sound fat. They're working for Weight Watchers.

Or maybe "kill yourself" and "you sound fat" are just internet slang.

YouTube is amazing. You can find a video about anything. What did we do before YouTube? We must've been ignorant. After all, we didn't have instant access to Dave Chappelle saying, "I'm rich, bitch." But now we do.

The interesting thing is, people keep on adding videos at a faster rate. We used to add ten thousand hours worth a day. Now it's a hundred thousand. Soon it'll be a million. And then ten million. Ten million hours of new videos every single day.

One day, someone will run a YouTube search for __ chess scene, and end up with 172,000 results. Is that good or bad? I'm not sure.

What's it going to take to be noticed in a world with 172,000 __ videos?

People are easily offended. People who post comments on the internet are 100 times more easily offended. A popular guy on the internet once featured a video of a dog getting beaten up hy a deer. And viewers were offended. A dog geting beaten up is offensive to that segment of the population. Namely, people who post comments on the internet. They will, however, laugh at a 3 year old girl getting kicked in the head by a horse. That's hilarious. So if you're trying to beome popular on a site like YouTube, keep that in mind. If you want to show someone getting hurt, it better be a 3 year old girl, and not a dog. And definitely not a cat. Cats on the internet are like cows in India. They're sacred.

Wikipedia is Great--in Moderation

Wikipedia is a valuable and informative site, and I can hardly imagine the internet without it. It absolutely, positively makes the world a batter place. And a worse place.

Wikipedia has tainted the web. It was developing into a source of variety, broadness, and fairness. Web 1.0 wasn't perfect, and it definitely needed some changes. But it didn't need a radical transformation. And Wikipedia has been a leader in the move towards an extreme, unbalanced internet.

When multiple web sites cover a topic, one presents it one way, and another presents it another. Source A might have a few points of emphasis, while source B might have a different set. One might misrepresent something, while another might not.

Individual sites have complete freedom.

No one's obligated to follow one organization's rules.

And Source A does not have the option of deleting something in Source B.

But as it is right now, multiple sources are often being replaced with just one: Wikipedia. People are making it their first and last choice. Wikipedia's take on a subject tends to dominate the internet; and the internet is on its way to dominating the world.

As one of many sources, Wikipedia is valuable; but as the only one, its shortcomings become the entire internet's shortcomings.

A consolidated source like Wikipedia is not the same as multiple independent sources. Wikipedia doesn't just add content--it also deletes it. Wikipedia is not always fair and balanced--and I don't think there's anything they can do in order to ensure that it will be. And Wikipedia is ultimately an encyclopedia--and there's no reason why encyclopedia entries should be so dominant.

Walk into a library, go through a few books on Native American religions, J. Pierpont Morgan, yoga, pez dispensers, computers, the Mumia Abu Jamal case, and the history of Coca Cola, and you'll find much more than mere extended encyclopedia entries, and something much different than the opinions on a typical internet forum or any op-ed piece on or offline.

Web 2.0 isn't an abundant source of library book content. And even the traditional media appears to be transitioning away from that type of content.

Our overuse of and over reliance on Wikipedia is partly to blame for all of this. Wikipedia is strictly an encyclopedia, and there ought to be a huge world outside of that--but little by little, that world seems to be narrowing. And too much of it consists of internet forum posts--which, though having plenty of value too, also have their limitations. Most of the content here consists of misinformation, assumptions, extreme of views, and intolerance.

And when people post content on sites they don't control--including Wikipedia, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and Forums--they generally don't have much in the way of freedom. I've had to censor myself on many of those sites, I've had material deleted from many of them, I've been banned from a couple of them, and of course, I've always had to use their software.

A personal website, on the other hand, gives you more freedom than you can use. That should be one of the main advantages of the internet. Jay Leno, Dan Rather, and Barbara Walters have to meet certain demands of the FCC, their producers, their sponsors, their respective networks, etc. A random person with a website doesn't have to worry about any of that.

But his website probably isn't getting as much as many visitors ad it should, partly due to Wikipedia.

And to make matters worse, Wikipedia frequently takes content from other sources without properly mentioning and linking to them. The site lifts content from webpages, books, magazines, TV programs, etc,--and rather than going out of its way to mention a source and link to it within the entry, it merely includes the information in a small font Notes/References section at the bottom of each page.

Now, that might be what encyclopedias have done for centuries--but other encyclopedias don't maerely take content from other courses without their permission. The least Wikipedia could do is include external links within the main text. But no! Wikipedia reserves that space for internal links.

Are you kidding me!? Who's going to bother to click on a footnote and then click on an external link?!? I happen to do that quite a bit, but Jimmy Wales knows damn well that most people won't.

And Wikipedia is a non-profit organization! They're just being unfair for the sheer fun of it!

Oh--not to mention the fact that all of their links are no follow! In other words, links on the internet are normally followed by search engines like Google and Yahoo. When site A links to Site B, site B gets credit for it--something in the way of popularity points (often referred to as juice--or in the case of Google, PageRank. Please excuse me if I'm wrong about any of this. I don't know that much about the topic, and I don't feel like verifying anything with research. But I have the right to do that--due to the fact that I'm not on that piece of shit site Wikipedia. I can even change my font to Comic Sans. In fact, I'm going to do that right now.) Search Engines then use those popularity points to determine Site B's search engine rankings.

I am going to talk about Wikipedia. I like Wikipedia a lot--so let's get that straight right now. But there are some things I don't like about it.

I was at Wikipedia's article for "carpal tunnel syndrome" a few weeks ago, and I came across this intro at the top: "Carpal tunnel syndrome is idiopathic median neuropathy at the carpal tunnel."

Now, both "idiopathic" and "carpal tunnel" are in the form links to other Wikipedia pages. But still. If I'm not familiar with carpal tunnel syndrome, I have no clue what "Carpal tunnel syndrome is idiopathic median neuropathy at the carpal tunnel" means. Who are they writing this for? People who already know everything about carpal tunnel syndrome? If I knew everything about carpal tunnel syndrome, why would I go to its Wikipedia page?

So far the article is a waste of bandwidth. I'm kind of tempted to put up a Wikipedia competitor right now. Anyways, the article continues: "The pathophysiology is not completely understood but can be considered compression of the median nerve traveling through the carpal tunnel."

"Pathophysiology" isn't even in the form of a link. According to Wikipedia, tt's just something that I know. I don't even have to look it up. Of course I know what pathophysiology is.

Why would I know that? I'll bet even Ken Jennings doesn't know what that is. He wouldn't buzz in after reading that. He wouldn't bet big if the category were Pathophysiology.

Imagine Ken Jennings reading a Wikipedia page and not getting the pathophysiology part. I'll have to call him up and see if he knows what that is. If he doesn't, then honestly, someone needs to be waterboarded. How about we waterboard Wikipedia?

Anyways, "The pathophysiology is not completely understood but can be considered compression of the median nerve traveling through the carpal tunnel." That kind of makes a little sense. The first part sentence got this article off to an insane start. I'm not too upset about this one. I'm still not 100 percent sure what it's saying, but some nerve is being compressed traveling through the carpal tunnel. And carpal tunnel is in the form of a link, unlike pathophysiology.

"The risk factors for CTS are primarily genetic rather than environmental."

Really? Okay, so that is pretty informative. I guess it's not some sort of repetitive motion injury, like most of us think it is. The rest of the article is pretty informative. I don't like beginning though.

So I like Wikipedia, but I hate it, too. Am I done here? Yeah--I guess I'm done. No--actually, I'm not done. I was done a second ago, but I should probably thank everyone involved with Wikipedia for this. I really appreciate it. I use it a lot. I do have some beef with them, but I still want to thank everyone. Even Jimmy Wales. Although I'm pretty sure I hate Jimmy Wales for some reason. I'll have to look into that.

But thank you Wikipedia. And not just the organization. As a matter of fact, I think I want to thank everyone but the organization. Because the organization doesn't do shit. They're just using existing software, and funding the site with donations. Big deal. And by the way, Wikipedia has a liberal bias. So I'm pissed off about that. But I'm still grateful. Am I? Maybe I'm not grateful anymore. No--I am. I like Wikipedia. Thank you. But get rid of the liberal bias. And do some other shit. Thank you.

Wikipedia

You

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (that needs your donations, you wikifreeloading son of a bitch!)

! This article has multiple issues.

- It cries any time someone mentions belts

- It’s a commitment-phobe

- It washes its hands exactly 99 times a day

- It thinks Napoleon is trying to assassinate it

- Tagged since October 3300 BC

This article is about You. For the Chinese Emperor, see Yu . For the letter, see U For the chocolate flavored drink, see Yoo Hoo. For the grape flavored drink, see Grape Drink. For a good time, call 581-32??. For The Shawshank Redemption, press 4. And for God’s sake, please see a Psychiatrist as soon as possible.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much you piss me off. Why? I think you know why. And if you don’t, then you piss me off even more.

References

^ I don’t need any. Everyone knows you’re a jerk.

External links

Asshole Hall of Fame – You

Categories: Assholes | People who make me want to vomit emotionally | People I’d like to sue |

I'm not really against blogs, Facebook, and Twitter. But what's wrong with using your own non-blog website? Are Facebook, Twitter, and blogs always preferable to them?

I don't think so. A ton of people went to a lot of trouble to create the world wide web, and for some reason, we've gone overboard with all of this Social Networking and Blogging horseshit to the point where we're abandoning a lot of other good options.

Why does everything have to be in reverse chronological order? Why are we supposed to just crowd out old content and bring in whatever's new? The internet isn't supposed to be like a newspaper or magazine. Not everything on it is supposed to just come and go.

It's like everything is some fad. The internet is obsessed with that.

And why don't people want some dang freedom? Blogs give you a little--but Facebook and Twitter are like jail cells. They're jail cells. Why are we tossing ourselves in there?

Again, I'm not against blogging and using social networking sites--but come on now. Let's not go too far with all of that. Web 3.0 should be a little more like Web 1.0.

Instead of Blogging, Tweeting, and Facebooking most of the time, consider the world that exists outside of that.

But don't make a site like mine. That won't get you anywhere. I should know. I don't get any traffic.

Maybe I should get on Facebook. That should bring in some more people. Oh--and twitter. I should use that, too. But I'm going to draw the line at a blog.

One thing I love about the internet is that you can type in just about any theory, any opion, etc., and you'll find plenty of people supporting it. The internet introduced that. There's no equivalent to that offline. Not even in a gigantic library. You can search a library all you want, buy you're not going to find

Some sites have a section titled "What is this?" It tells you what the site is. What is this? "It's an online store that sells electronics."

Twitter needs a what is this. Because there are a lot of people who have no idea what it is. Which is understandable. When I first came across it, I didn't know what it was. Even after hearing about it. What is this? I don't know. Tell me.

"What is this?" Everything should have that. Or "Who is this?" Each person should come with a "Who is this?" link. When I come across a human being, I want to click on something to know who I'm dealing with. Who is this? "He's a very charitable man. He does beat his wife, though. He sells refurbsished carpeting." Something like that. So I'll know who I'm dealing with.

Google--get on it.

There's a lot of insanity on the internet--but there aren't that many weird people.

Am I the only one who's disappointed by the lack of weird people on the internet? I mean, with 2 billion internet users worldwide, there should be millions of unbelievably bizarre people __

I'll bet when Tim Berners-Lee invented it he __ "Yeah--now all the pyschos are __. Because NBC

I personally like the internet. I think people should comment more. I get pissed off at people when I hear that they're not active posting on twitter, Facebook, YouTube, a blog, etc. Even that's not enough. People should put out a lengthy volume detailing their bleifs, way of life, etc.

One half of the world doesn’t know how the other half lives. Even nowadays. Even with the internet. In fact, people who spend a lot of time on the internet seem to have no idea that others aren’t that into it. For instance, even though newspapaers still have circulations in the hundreds of thousands, some internet users seem unaware that people actually read newspapaers.

[Internet User:] "Where do you get your news?" "The LA Times." "I don't really like that site. The pages load slowly." "No. I read the actual LA Times." "What do you mean?" "The newspaper." "I don't get it." "The newspaper. As in paper." "You mean e-papaer? Do you read it on the Kindle?" "Mo. I mean paper paper. The kind you can touch." "Oh. You have a touchscreen Kindle?" "No. I mean I turn the actual pages of a newspaper."

He'd probably have to drive the internet user down to a newspapaer vending machine and show him. "Look. These two things I'm holding in my hands are quarters. They're money. Cash. Not a credit card. Not a PayPal balance. Cash. I'm going to put them in this machine. And look. Now I'm taking out a newspapaer. A newspaper made up of actual pages. News is printed on these pages. As in text and pictures. Look."

The other guy probably still wouldn't get it. "Where do you click for more articles? And how do you add Adblock?"

Facebook is a repackaged MySpace. MySpace was a repackaged Friendster. Friendster was a repackaged message board. There's not much new. And people go crazy over it. Even the internet and world wide web. They kind of existed a long time ago. They're essentailly a system of sharing computer files publicly over something like a phone line. Most, but not all of the elements were already in place. But no one really developed the internet and web. I will give the world credit, though. It developed a great system. HTML, search engines, email, etc.

One thing most websites have discoevered is that people are almost never willing to actually pay for content. People on the internet demand that everything is free. They're offended when you put a price on something. Or if you show an ad. Any type of ad. They'll yell, "What is this shit? An ad?!"

They have a strong sense of entitlement. And many of them argue that "content wants to be free. It's begging. I'm just setting it free."

I didn't know they were emapcipators. It's them and Lincoln. I thought they were just watching porn. But I guess they're emancipators.

I like how Tim-Berners Lee devleoped the web and then gave it away for free. That's impressive. I like him. But he thinks he's so cool. His mother seems pretty impressed. She always calls up my mother and brags about. No matter what they're talking about, his mother somehow ends up mentioning how Tim invented the web. " ___ My son created __. So what has your son been up to? Big deal. Don;t forget about the porn, Mrs. Berners-Lee. Maybe I should let her kow about it. "You're son invented the web. Congratulations. That led to the distribution of 5 jillion jigabytes of porn a day." Is there such thing as a jigabyte. I think so. We had to invent a unit of measurement for internet porn. Before, we had gigabytes and terabytes. But now we have jigabytes.

Porn is becoming mainstream. I really think that pretty soon, they're going to sell hardcore porn at Barnes and Noble. I know Barnes is pro porn. Noble isn't. But his son is on board. So once Noble, Sr. dies, Barnes and Noble will have a porn section right next to the Shakespeare one.

People used to be offended by porn. Nowadays, they still are. But ususally for the opposite reason. Just imagine your college dormmate coming across your Playboy magazine. "Playboy? What the hell is with you, bro? Don't you know about the internet? Playboy? I should light this Playboy on fire. Get online, and watch some internet porn like a normal person."

You can get your ass kicked nowadays if you have a Playboy. Don't let a porn afficianado find you with one. He'll be really offended. Reading Playboy in front of him is like hiring Wolfgang Puck to make you steak, and then putting ketchup on it.

Playboy is mainstream. You can sell it anywhere. Not that anyone wants it. Now that there's internet porn.

We've gotten to a point where Playboy magazine is nothing. Nowadays, they have one in every motel room instead of a Gideon Bible. I think motels put in there as some sort of a gateway drug. They want you to move on from that and order porn.

Did you know that 93.2% of the the hotel industry's profits comes from pay-per-view porn. Is it 93.2%? Is has to be. I gave you an exact figure. 93.2%. 93.2% of their profits come from the sale of porn. It's not really a hotel industry anymore. The hotels are just what they use to sell porn. A bunch of people fot together and asked, "How can we sell more pornography. And someone says, "I know. Let's build hotels."

If you want to sell porn, now you know how. Build a hotel. So now we know. Paris Hilton's fortune really is porn money. Her Hilton hotel inheritance is essentially a porn inheritance. The hotel indsutry is the porn industry. That has totally ruined Monopoly for me. Whenever some lands on my Boardwalk hotel, I say, "OK. You owe me $173 for the hotel, and $1,827 for porn."

Can we please hide porn again? What's wrong with hiding it? At least do that. Don't put it in a Barnes and Noble. And if you do, at least keep it out of the Chidren's section.

Turn on my PC, and open Chrome / It automatically loads my Home / Page -- what website am I on? / You're damn right -- it's Google.com

Holy smokes, those pages load fast

It took me half a sec to find J Lo's ass

Obama's in charge -- that's not quite accurate

He's second in command, right behind Eric Schmidt

Even more -- there's a Google freakin' world

From Google Search and Earth to Google Jheri Curls

We revolve around the sun -- that used to be true

But nowadays, we go around Mountain View

The company's making all the right moves

Back in the day, they gave us Google News

In 2006, they acquired YouTube

And in 2010, they introduced Google Lube

Thanks to Google dates, I met my wife Dolores

Six months later, I got a Google Divorce

Ten times a day I check my Gmail

And thanks to Google Shopping, I don't pay retail

I pay my bills using Google Checks

And I get busy using Google Sex

See the stars with Google Telescope

Get off drugs with Google Methadone

Feed your fish with G-Aquarium

If you're insane use Google Sanitarium

Sometimes I go to Google

For no reason

Maybe I find

The Google logo pleasing

'Tis the season to be Googly

It's high treason to be Yahooey

Put an end to wars -- just go to Google Peace

And sign a treaty with Ahmadi-

nejad, Kim Jong Il, Fidel, and Saddam

Hussein -- oh wait, that guy is gone

Google stock debuted at eighty five

Right now it's really freakin' high

They make 20 million every day

It should be 20 Googol -- move the decimal place

They gained our trust -- Google always comes through

That's why Yahoo is a distant number two

Google's name is something sacred

Sometimes I think that we should hyphenate it

If Google were a snack, I'd have a fat neck

If Google sold crack, I'd be a crackhead

If Google baked rolls, I'd eat nothing but bread

If Google had a hole, I'd dump my girlfriend

If Google were a hooker, I'd be in line to pay

And if Google made a toilet, I'd pee twenty times a day

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs

Will watch Google grow

And in in a couple of years

Both of their asses will be broke

Windows, ipods, ipads, iphones

Excel and word, pretty soon they'll go

Extinct

They'll be replaced with Google products

Say goodbye to those ridiculous markups

If I could snort Google, I'd be snorting those keys

Oh yeah, I'm high

On GOOGLE

Search images, videos, books, and blogs

And with a quick download

Your own desktop

Scholarly papers, patents, and traffic

You can even search Uranus

Both your ass and the planet

Checkout let's you pay the safe and easy way

And also say, "Screw you eBay"

Google Maps will give you directions

Use Google condoms for your protection

I used Google Faith, and I found God

I Used Google Earth and found Osama bin Laden

Pop Pop -- used my Google AK

And I don't think that he went Heaven's way

And I gotta say

That even though I'm not gay

I must admit

I'd like to marry Larry Page

GOOG-411 is FRE

E FUCK ATT

Create some privacy with Google Toilet Stalls

Then pull out and inflate your Google blow up doll

Store your pictures with Picasa

Park your Honda and your Datsun