Imagine what it would be like if the internet were a real place. Like a city. Internet City.
Let's look around Internet City. Let's take a tour.
There are huge Justin Bieber posters everywhere. Only there's graffiti all over them. And the graffiti says: "Justin Bieber's Gay!" That's actually the offical city motto. Well, in addition ot the other one. "Internet City: The Land of Opinions and Impatience. Justin Bieber's Gay."
Let's head on down the Internet City fashion district. There are a lotf of ninja suits there. They're in high demand. And they're free. Emmitt Sanders of Seattle just put one on. And now he's just a guy in a Ninja suit. With a name tag that says Ace145. No one knows he's Emmitt Sanders of Seattle. He's basically anonymous. And what does that do? It removes the limit on his Insult Card. Outside of Internet City, his Insult card has a $5,000 spending limit. On the internet, there's no limit at all. And he doesn't even have to pay his bills. And in his mind, there's a rewards program.
And there you go. Ace145 (and a hundred million other people) is on an insult shopping spree. He comes across someone, and says, "You don't know who I am, do you? No? Are you sure? OK. Well... I hate everything about you."
What did Ace145 do before the internet? Did he just call random people in the phonebook and tell them off? "May I speak with Aaron Abramson?" "Speaking." "Mr. Abramson--you're a piece of garbage. Kill yourself."
That's also the motto of Internet City. "Internet City: The Land of Opinions and Impatience. Kill Yourself. Justin Bieber's Gay."
What else do people do in Internet City? They use their thumbs a lot. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Thumbs down. Everyone has carpal tunnel syndrome. (Because of the thumbs. Not what you're thinking.) Go into Tony's Authentic Italian Pizzeria, and you'll see a lot of the people there with a thumb up or a thumb down. 23 thumbs up. 4 thumbs down. What does Tony have to say about that? "4 people think the Olive Garden serves real Italian food."
And next to the pizzeria, there are a hundred thousand people in a stadium. Watching a panda sneezing. And 3512 thumbs up, 574 thumbs down. "574 people have been molested by pandas."
And when people aren't using their thumbs, they're sword fighting. Especially at places like IMDB square. Someone says, "Arrested Development is the greatest sitcom ever." And then someone else replies, "You know what? It's good--but I don't love it." [Person 1:] "Oh--really. You sir, have insulted me. I challenge you to a duel!"
CHING CHING CHING CHING.
Yeah. It's a 275 comment duel. It was originally about Arrested Development, but it quickly branched off into a few dozen other topics, like communism, vaccines, quantum physics, Israel, the history of steel, and Justin Bieber's sexual orientation. And both parties are armed with their insult cards--as well as their swords.
Like everywhere else in the world, there are some strange customs in Internet City. It's not uncommon for someone to stop a random person right in the middle of the street, and say something like "I just ate a bag of Doritos. My favorite movies include the Shawshank Redemption, When Harry Met Sally, and Scarface. My favorite musicians are Usher, Mariah Carey, and Paul McCartney. And definitely not Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber's gay!"
Oh. And there's a bookstore in Internet City. Let's go in there. [Customer:] "Where are your books on 9/11 conspiracies?" [Employee:] "Floor 2."[Customer:] "Where on floor 2?" [Employee:] "The entire floor, asshole!"
And on floor three, there are books on History. The Ancient History section covers events from two years ago. Not the fall of Rome, but the fall of MySpace. And things from ten years ago don't even qualify as history. They're in the Myths and Legends section. "AltaVista: Did it really exist? We don't know." "Netscape. According to a Nordic legend, there was a browser known as Netscape."
And what about the health section? It's mostly marijuana books. Marijuana: The Cure for Cancer. Marijuana Saved My Life. The Three Food Groups: Pancakes, Corn Chips, and Marijuana. The Marijuana Diet. Smoke This--It's Good For You. Marijuana: The Cure for 1001 Illnesses. No--Not 1001. Make That a Million and One. Billion and One. Trillion and One.
The books are all printed on hemp paper. The entire store is made of hemp. The entire city is made of hemp. And Joe Rogan is the mayor. There's also an ambassador to Israel. And he wants to wipe Israel off the face of the planet.
And next to City Hall, there's a Fox News building--and a hundred million people protesting outside of it. Every single day. [Person 1:] "Fox News is not fair and balanced! They're calling themselves fair and balanced--but they're not!" [Person 2:] "Yeah. We know. You've been telling us that every day for the last ten years." [Person 1:] "Yeah. But they're not doing what I want. What the hell is going on here! We need to get the word out. Tell everyone you know. And everyone you don't know. Even if you've already told them. Tell them again. Fox News is not fair and balanced! Fox News is not fair and balanced!"
And what about internet ads. They're not even part of Internet City. The links are part of Internet City--but any time you click on one, a portal takes you to another universe.
Welcome to the universe of internet ads. Everywhere you look someone's selling gold for the price of silver. Only it is silver. Plated.
And here's an exchange you'll find a lot in the universe of internet ads. [Advertiser:] "You want to go to Disneyland? I'll take you there. Just give me your email address." [Internet User:] "No--I don't want to give you my email address. I don't want you to send me..." [Advertiser:] "No--just give me your email address. I'll take you to Disneyland." [Internet User:] "No--I'd rather not." [Advertiser:] "Just give me your email address." [Internet User:] "No--I don't..." [Advertiser:] "GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL ADRESS." [Internet User:] "No. I'm going to go." [Advertiser:] "Are you sure you want to leave?!"
When you try to leave a shady website, it stops you. A confirmation box pops up and asks, "Are you sure you want to leave? I'm asking you. You said you wanted to leave. Are you sure? Think about it."
Does that ever work? Does anyone ever say, "You know what? You're right! I don't want to leave. What the hell was I thinking? Why would I want to leave your piece of garbage website? I thought I wanted to leave. But it took your confirmation box to make me realize I want to stay. This is where I belong. Now what were you saying about gold for the price of silver?"
It does work in the real world, though. The "are you sure you want to leave" angle. "Are you sure you want to leave Wal-Mart? We sell 12 packs of beer for just 44 cents. Get back here. Come on." "Are you sure you want to leave our car dealership? I can get you that red Audi. $3,000 off." "Are you sure you don't want to have sex with me? In case you didn't realize it, you're pretty drunk. By the way, I'm very rich. If you don't believe me, take a look at my cufflinks. Pay no attention to the Honda Civic I drive."
Instead of asking you if you want to leave a website that's trying to con you, a computer should ask you to confirm some of your other decisions. "Are you sure you want to spend another five hours playing Pac-Man?" "Are you sure you want to bid $500 on a Smurf lunchbox?" "Are you sure you want to call your friend an asshole on his Facebook wall?" "Are you sure you want to search for transsexual golden showers?"
"Yes I'm sure."
A computer should do that. And it shouldn't even limit itself to computer decisions.
Google has a lot of information on you. It should follow you around when you're not on your computer.
"Are you sure you want to eat another donut? You've already had five. I'm counting. I know you're not counting. But I'm counting." "Are you sure you want to join the Black Panther Party? You do realize you're white." "Are you sure you want to drink $5 worth of Wal-Mart beer?" "Are you sure you want to sleep with that guy? He's not rich. And his cufflinks are made of plastic."
Google knows a lot about you. It collects data any time you do something. Sometimes Google knows things that you don't even know about yourself. You might not know you're a workaholic, but Google knows. You might not know you can afford a new car, but Google knows. You might not know you're gay, but Google knows.
Pretty soon, Google is going to tell its users if they're gay. Which is why I expect Tom Cruise to sue Google around 2015. [Tom Cruise:] "What do you mean I'm gay! I'm going to sue you. ... Bill. Call my lawyer. We're going to sue Google." [Tom Cruise's Assistant Bill:] "Mr. Cruise--it's software." [Tom Cruise:] "I don't care. It's calling me gay."
Cruise v. Google. I think that's going to be a historic case. They'll probably take it to the Supreme Court.
I could never sue Google. I love Google.