If infomercials weren’t allowed to lie, they'd be five seconds long. After you filter out the fake testimonials, the paid audience, the deceptive demonstration, and the spokesperson who doesn't even use the product, there's not much left.
My favorite informercial character is Ron Popeil. Ron Popeil is selling us things that we definitely don't need. He's well beyond the "might not need" category. If there's no chance we need it, Ron Popeil will convince us to buy it. That's what he thinks when he decides what product he wants to sell next. "What's the one thing people absolutely, positively don't need? A food dehydrator. A sausage machine. A pasta maker. A rotisserie oven." He's challenging himself as a salesmen. "Don't give me something that people actually need." You'll never see Ron Popeil selling something like food. That's beneath him. "Food? Why would I sell that? I'm Ron Popeil. Anyone can sell food. People need food. A true salesman doesn't bother with things people need."
So the next time you're considering buying a food dehydrator, just keep that in mind. It's all part of Ron Popeil's challenge.
Oh--and don't call the guy an inventor. Or a salesman. He's an entertainer. Ron Popeil is an entertainer.
I'd pay to wach him live. Put me in an infomercial audience. I'll pay you, Ron. Not $20, not $30, and not even $40 like you're probably thinking. If you let me watch a taping of an infomercial, I'll give you 3 easy payments of $19.99. And if you act now, I'll throw in my handy dandy peanut de-sheller.
I love infomercials. Especially the audiences. They applaud and ooh and ah everything. The infomercial audience lets you know that "Everyone agrees with this infomercial's claims--and you should, too."
Everyone? Is an infomerical audience "everyone?" Not really. They shouldn't be considered everyone. Unless you're talking about a mental insitiute "everyone."
With an infomercial, you can sell things that people wouldn't normally buy. Has anyone ever thought, "You know what I really need? A pasta machine." Has anyone ever thought that? No. But Ron Popeil sold them on TV.
Over the years, the infomercial community experimented with lies. One level at a time. "How much can we get away with?" Over time, they learned how much.
“OK. Let’s tell them they can lose ten pounds in forty days using our equipment, or our juicer, or our video. Do you think they’ll go for that? Probably not--but let’s try it.” So they tried it--and people bought it.
And they took things to the next level. “Lose 15 pounds in 30 days.” They weren’t so sure it would work. But it did. “20 pounds in 20 days?” Yes. “Without dieting?” Sure. They made wilder claims--and the companies that didn’t make those claims didn’t make money.
So what’s next? “You know what? You don't even have to use the machine, watch the video, or diet. As soon as your payment clears, the fat will start burning off. Once that money goes from your credit card to our account, your fat will go from your body to your worst enemy's ass."
I think I look at infomercials a little differently than others do. I saw one where a knife cut through granite, and then easily sliced a tomato. Others look at that and think, "This might be a good knife." But I'm prety sure it's some sort of code. There's some sort of connection between granite and tomatoes. Infomercials are like the Da Vinci Code for me. I think Tom Hanks should star in a few. Hanks and Popeil. That sounds like an Oscar to me. And as an added bonus, when they accept their Oscars, they'll sell food dehydrators to the TV audience. And the live audience. Nicolas Cage will take three of them.
I think we should put Ron Popeil in a room with Crazy Gideon and some similar characters. They'll go head to head trying to sell each other TVs and food dehydrators. They should make a video game based on that. "I'm Crazy Gideon. I'll give a TV for half price." "The RonCo Pasta Maker. 4 Easy payments of just $39.99. And if you act now..."
"If you act now, we'll throw in something." I like that. That's nice of them. Not only do they want to give you soemthing for free, they want to help you overcome your procrastination problem.
Infomercials like to give people free bonuses. But at least they keep them within reason. Unlike those webpages that sell you ebooks. They get a little carried away. "If you buy our ebook, we'll give you $1000 worth of bonuses. And our ebook costs just $50. Not $150. We crossed that price out. It's just $50. And we'll give you the $1,000 in bonuses."
I actually feel bad when I buy something like that. I think to myself, "This guy's losing at least $950." I don't just pay the $50. I contact the site and say, "Can I give you a little something extra?" I feel indebted to them after I get my $1,000 worth of free bonuses.
The internet's filled with webpages selling ebooks. And for some reason, those webpages are all a mile long. Apparently, researchers have found that long sales pitches do a better job of persuading people. The very fact that they're lengthy makes them more effective, even though we don't read the entire page.
But on the internet, those sales pitches probably don't do so well with people who are used to the internet. Because if you are, you know what most of those sites are like. You're suspicious.
So I guess those ebook sales pitches target people who aren't used to the intenet. People like that think those sites are like the Wal-Mart of the internet. They think they're shopping at Wal-Mart for an ebook. They don't realize that they're a long ways from Wal-Mart. They're in the online ebook equivalent of one of those electronics store run by a Middle Eastern guy. "Yes. Yes. I'll give you a good deal. Ebook. Half price. I'm Crazy Gideon." They're not even at Crazy Gideon's. They're at his complete insane cousin's store.
The imternet should come with an atlas. One that'll let people where they are. If you see one those long webpages trying to sell you an ebook, know that you're not in Wal-Mart. You're in one of those sleazy electronic stores. "I'll give you a good price. A $1244 value. FOr just $52."
A lot of those pages stop you when you try to leave. And they sweeten up the offer. They lower their price. The initial price was $50. But if you try to leave, they'll say, "OK. $40."
When that happens to me, I try to leave again, in hopes of getting another discount. That's never worked before. Next time I'll try putting a gun to my modem. Maybe that'll get the price down to $35.
Once, a site tried the "don't leave--we'll give you a discount" approach, and lowered its price from $50 to $40. But they took away the free bonuses. "Our normal price is $50. But now that you've tried to leave, it's just $40. But you won't get the $1000 in bonuses. You can either pay $50 for the full package with the bonuses, or pay $40 for just the original ebook."
That was a new approach. I didn't expect that at all. That would be like going to a car dealer, rejecting his $15,000 offer. And then right when you're about to walk out, someone stops and says, "You know what? We'l give you the exact same car for $11,000. But we get to keep four of the tires. And the ignition. And the transmission. And the brakes. But aside from that, you get everything. That's a $4,000 discount."