The Library: Revised and Condensed
Instructions:
Open eyes
Read
Turn pages
Blink and breathe when needed
For best results, use another book instead of this one
Cleaning Instructions: Wash gently for six hours a day with 33 ounces of 42 degree donkey ball sweatin a 67 degree room located 87 degrees west of a 157 pound 76ers fan 57 days away from receiving his 44th social security check
Warranty Information: If this piece of shit ever stops working, or if it’s pretty much broken right out of the box (I’m betting on the latter), you’re pretty much shit out of luck. I mean, theoretically you have the option of returning it—but when you factor in the return shipping and the time and effort associated with buying packing supplies, packing the item, driving to the post office, parking, getting out of your car, getting into a fight with the son of a bitch claiming that you stole his space, walking from your car to the post office, waiting in line, flirting with the man/woman in line, getting into a fight with his/her boyfriend/girlfriend, handing your package to the postal worker, paying for postage, and walking back to your car, it turns out you’d be better off tossing the fucking thing in the trash, staying home, and watching an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Ingredients: Wood, corn syrup, grits, natural flavoring (made from natural sewage and nuclear waste), organic pubic hair, non-organic chest hair, Grey 42, Grey 42, hut, hut, hike, 100% unrefined whole toilet water, monosodium gluteus assimus, methylethylcrapahide, brown sugar (sugar, donkey poo), yellow sugar (sugar, donkey pee, more donkey pee), something that looks like rotten cheese, pig semen, pig feces, pig urine, pig saliva sus domestica extract, bread mold sprouted wheat, recycled computer keyboards, recycled non-computer mice, banana peels, 100% unwashed used prison underwear, anything we could find in our neighbor’s trash bins, soap scum, used shaving cream, unclaimed corpses, cigar ashes, Ernest Eats Tacos film reel, spilt milk, spilt piss, Install AOL 7.0 CD-ROMs, 45 bottles of beer on the wall, twelve dirty dishes, eleven pickled peppers, ten lords a-leaping, pencil shavings
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: One Serving
Servings Per Container: A shitload
Calories: You’d be better off not knowing
Protein: 34g
Carbohydrates: 224g
Fiber: Are you kidding?
Fat: Yes
Calcium: Not Applicable
Iron: Get the f--k out of here
Vitamin C: It depends on what you mean by “C”
Vitamin Y: 1,000,000%
Vitamin Z: 1,000,000,000%
(FDA notice: Vitamins Y & Z do not exist)
Nutrition Opinions
Eating a pound of this shit every day will turn you into Superman.