I Love Lucy: The Remakes

I'm normally against the idea of remakes--but in the case of I Love Lucy, I think we should remake that shit ASAP. And I'm not referring to a fun movie remake set in modern times--I mean we should remake each and every episode of the show and destroy the originals.

I Love Lucy is the most politically incorrect, inappropriate, pro conservative values show on TV today.

Are you fucking kidding me?

For starters, just about every character on the show is in the habit of just casually pulling out a cigarette and smoking it as if it's the most acceptable behavior in the world. That shit has got to stop. I mean, if you want to have a few smokers on the show, fine--but most of them should end up dying of lung cancer within the first few episodes. Oh--and don't forget Little Ricky. Making him die due to second hand smoke will really get the message across.

And for Dawkins' sake, add a few black people to the show. Making Little Ricky black would be a good start. He should be the Ricardos' adopted child from Africa. That'll make his death even more dramatic.

"Lucy and Ricky killed an innocent African child with their cigarette smoke!"

That sounds like a winner to me.

And be sure to add some gay sex. That's the sure sign of a politically correct show. Ricky and Fred should have an affair. Believe me, it'll make for some hilarious S&M scenes.

Oh--and add some sort of "Lucy Gets an Abortion" episode. In fact, there should be at least two or three of those per season. I want the viewers to know that there's absolutely nothing wrong with aborting a fetus during the first, second, third, or fourth trimesters. (In fact, you score bonus atheist points for aborting them during the fourth one.) And just to really make a case for abortion, make Lucy a stem cell researcher, and have her discover some miracle cure using one of her own aborted fetuses. Make that ten of her own aborted fetuses. That'll let people know that we all need to do our part and abort as many fetuses as possible.

Oh--and add some sort of hip-hop theme song. That'll be a nice touch.