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Why I Don't Drive a Hybrid

I want a hybrid. Very few things would give me more satisfaction than driving around in one and telling non-hybrid drivers to go fuck themselves (--which is something I do frequently when I'm not in my car).

But I can't afford a hybrid. Because republicans don't want the government to increase my unemployment benefits, and they also don't want the government to bring down the price of hybrids. So instead of riding around in some 60 mile per gallon Toyota, I have to drive an old Buick Regal with a cloth interior roof that's currently held up by 15 strategically placed staples.

air horn

But there's no way in hell/Texas I'm going to let something like that stop me from doing my duty to help keep the world clean. For starters, I chose a green Regal in order to let others know I care about the environment. I also use a fuel efficient driving strategy, even when I'm running late for work and it might slow me down a few minutes. (Although to be honest, I haven't had a job since 2003--and even then, I was actually just unemployed with a business card.) And of course, whenever I come across an SUV, I honk at it for no good reason. (And when I happen to see a Hummer, I also use an air horn to really make my point.)

Hummer H2

Couple all of that with my "Save the Earth," "Bush is Hitler," "I'm Not Gay--But I Support Gay Rights," and "Looking at Brad Pitt Makes We Wish I Were Gay" bumper stickers, and I think I'm doing as much good for the environment and world as anyone else out there.